965: Seeking Repentance for Unfair Life Sentence | Feedback Friday

24:35I mean, the plaintiff must have known that the likelihood of collecting on that number from a whatever 20 year old kid or whatever, how old he was, was nil, virtually impossible. They might be going, OK, well, if we get 400 grand out of this guy over the course of his life, we'll be lucky unless Liam or his family happen to be extremely wealthy. But even then, unless the family were defendants in the lawsuit, it can't go after the family anyway. So your point is, is moving abroad really as dodgy as it seems when you look at this more practically? Exactly. Yeah. Does he need to feel as guilty if he's not really running away from$180 million, but just from the tiny portion of that that he might have paid over the course of his life?

25:14Yeah, it's an interesting point. All I can say is, no, I don't think he should ignore his guilt. The guilt will probably always be there to some degree after a tragedy like this, unfortunately. But you might want to encourage Liam to ask himself where that guilt is actually coming from at this point. Is it about the accident itself? Is it about dodging this debt? Or is it about making some moves now to prioritize himself, whether that is morally right or wrong, after only living to service this obligation for so long? Yeah, it's a great question. And like you said, that's really up to him to work through.

25:48But I agree that his relationship with his guilt, how he factors it into his decision making, that might be more flexible than he thinks. That could change. So time for Liam to talk to an attorney. That's move number one. Aaron said that even if they don't recommend filing bankruptcy, they can advise Liam on whether to move his funds, dodge garnishments, potentially move abroad, all that. Yes, a bankruptcy attorney can advise you on that stuff. And again, man, I am so very sorry that this happened to your friend and that these other people were impacted by his mistake. It's a tragedy that is difficult to wrap your head around.

26:20And I can't blame these people for holding him accountable, but I also can't blame him for wanting to live a halfway decent life and move on somehow from this financially. And look, I understand why the other party is mad, but now another person's life is ruined. And to what end? To what end? The dude's probably thinking about killing himself to get away from a debt that he'll never be able to pay. So it's like, what are we doing here? So yes, explore these clever strategies. Maybe some of them will help. But more importantly, man, I hope Liam finds the support that he needs. legal, psychological, spiritual, to make sense of what's happening here and to live the most meaningful life possible.

26:56The money's a huge thing, no doubt about it, but it's probably nothing compared to the emotional burden that he's going through and shouldering with this as well. And that's the part that I really hope he finds a way to cope with and make sense of because that's what's gonna get him through. And I'm wishing both of you the best. Good luck. You know what else will compound over the course of your life? Your love for the amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by 1-800-CONTACTS. You know that last pair of contacts panic? My wife Jen knows it way too well.

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28:54Thank you for listening to and supporting the show. Your support of our sponsors does keep the lights on around here. All the deals discount codes and ways to support this show are all in one searchable and clickable place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm 27, and I just got engaged to my boyfriend of six years. We are so excited to be getting married and have just started the wedding planning process. Very cool. Congratulations. Two years ago, my brother, who was born a girl, informed the family that he would be transitioning to become a man.

29:33He lives across the country, and he's not always been the best at communicating with us. Apparently, he had been living as a man for over a year when he decided to start taking testosterone and schedule his top surgery. I was so happy for him. My brother was always a tomboy growing up, and it made so much sense to me when he said it out loud. But the majority of my family is fairly conservative. To this day, they still misgender him, and my grandmother cut off communication with him entirely, saying, I don't want to know the person who stole my little girl away from me. Man, that is really sad.

30:07We hear stories like this a decent amount. It's got to be so painful. When I announced my engagement, my brother immediately texted to congratulate me. He also said that he might need a plus two, as he's now in a poly relationship with his husband and another person. I love it. Did you say plus two? That's hilarious. I'm actually going to need more than a plus one. You know, it's funny. I actually used the term plus two in a movie that I wrote. There's a character who's in a thruple and he wants to come to the main character's wedding. and there's a scene where he's like, yo, can I get a plus two?

30:37And I was pretty proud of myself for that one because I thought I made it up, but apparently that is a real thing. I mean, who knew? It's such a Gen Z request. Hey, can I get a plus two for my husband and my secondary long-term relationship? Yeah, exactly. Her brother's rolling up to the wedding with a damn posse at this point. Yeah, seriously. Sorry, we're not making fun of the guy. It's just a funny request. What a time to be alive, right? I told him, of course he was invited and I could definitely accommodate an extra guest. I mean, that's nice of you. I might have been like, hey, you get one, bro.

31:06This bitch is a thousand dollars a plate. Pick your favorite, pick your favorite partner and deal with the consequences on your own. What a hip modern wedding this is turning out to be. That's one word for it. I'm just trying to imagine how these introductions are going to go, though, because of course that's got to, you know, hi, mom, this is my husband and this is my boyfriend. Yep. I think we're about to get into that. So the letter goes on. OK, but this brought up another thought. Do I have to have my grandmother at my wedding and then have my brother at the reception only because poly, brother, husband, and more is going to cause a lot of drama with my family.

31:38Yeah, I bet. They're not on board with him being trans. I doubt they're going to be on board with him being in a polycule. What's a polycule? Dude, you're killing me with these polyamory terms. I can't even keep up. I need like an urban dictionary for this. I did some reading before we recorded. I don't know if you can tell. Yeah. I got to get up on the lingo for this letter. By the way, Jordan, you're my comment partner, professionally. speaking, of course. What is that? What's a comet partner? It's a long distance relationship where the partners only meet in person every now and again, you know, like a comet.

32:09It comes around every so often, but they're happy to pick up their special connection and be intensely in touch in between. Oh, man, we are comet co-hosts for show. We might also be in a polycule with Corbin Payne and Dr. Aaron Margolis, but I don't want to make things weird. Oh, yeah. Nothing weird about a four-pole. It's too late for that. No, you're right. We're pretty polyamorous with our subject matter experts. And I like to think it's all in the up and up, but anyway. It is. Yeah. Everyone's needs are getting met. Exactly. Anyway, look, I don't see grandma being super cool with her grandson who used to be a little girl or a woman rolling up to the wedding with his two male partners.

32:44I think that's just going to be one awkward family photo. And I don't know how we're going to get there. Just imagine the speeches. I don't know. Like, and now the bride's brother would like to say a few words and then just as he walks up to the microphone grandma yells from table seven you mean the bride's sister no joke like that's not the best man it's the best woman as grandma scream cries from over yeah table seven oh man so she so we're stressing our friend out here so bad she's like is this really what my wedding is gonna be like maybe not i know it's funny to imagine so she goes on and then there's my mom she's refused to accept that my brother is a man.

33:20She has pictures all around her house of him when he was a young woman, calls him she, sends him Bible verses about changing his mind, and so I've tried to tell her that he's so much happier now, but she doesn't care. That is the key. And I'm not going to go down that road, really, but that is the key. She doesn't care. Her comfort, way more important than her son being comfortable, which I think is a shame. Again, that's got to be really hard for your brother. I know we're having a laugh just now about the wedding, but obviously this is something many trans people have to go through. It's very painful.

33:53And I got to say for me as a parent, dude, I just want my kids to be happy. Of course, I wouldn't wish for my kids to have to make difficult life choices like this. You know, I'm sure that that's not easy for anyone, especially the person who decides that they're the wrong gender. They're having the hardest time with this mom. OK, but the last thing that I do is make them feel like shit about it or feel unloved if this is what they feel is right for them. Like, what are you doing? You're a parent. You're failing in your most basic obligation as a parent. Remember when I said I wasn't going to go down that road?

34:23It's okay. No, you're making a good point. Anyway, Gabe, carry on. I think everybody gets me on this one. I'm worried that I'm going to have to keep going to bat for my brother at my wedding, insisting that the family respect his pronouns and his relationship when all I really want to be doing is marrying the love of my life and starting a new chapter. I want my brother to be part of this momentous day, but how can I do that with all of the friction in this family? Signed, looking for a clue to handle this unused plus two without getting booed, getting screwed, or making things boku cuckoo on the day I'm wearing something blue.

34:59Sheesh. I don't want to hear anything about the length of that sign off. It just, it just tumbled out. You read in my mind because the first thing I was going to say was, wow, I thought last week you had long ones and this one just takes the wedding cake. Why is it never well done? Why is it always too much? Also well done. So good. So good. Really, really amazing. Anyway, this is an interesting question and a tough one because look, the reality is either way you are inviting friction. And I know that that's unfair to you. It is. I acknowledge that. If you tell your brother not to invite his other partner, his secondary, if I have the lingo right, that's going to cause friction with both of them.

35:37if you invite your brother and his husband and their secondary, which is apparently what you've already done, that's probably going to cause friction within your family, even if it's unfair. Although unclear how much, right? I mean, if they're all getting down on the dance floor and they're holding hands by the open bar, yeah, that's going to raise some eyebrows. But if they're just chilling and the brother doesn't go around telling everybody at the wedding who Dave is and why he's randomly there for the first time, they've never met this person, maybe they can just pass him off as a friend of the family or something some other person right right but still i'm sure people are going to wonder who this new guy that they've literally never seen before is at a wedding someone's going to have to explain why dave keeps going to the photo booth with your brother and his husband i mean our friend could always say that dave is a friend of hers yeah true depends on how handsy he and the brother are yeah and then why is he sitting at the family table right right or can she seat him at that table you know that one table where they put all the random single people.

36:32Maybe that's where you put them. Yeah, and they're like, hopefully they click. Yeah, I mean, she could, but then Dave might be kind of insulted. Like, I'm not single. I'm dating your brother and his husband, or who knows? I'm in the polycule. Yeah, I'm in the polycule. Maybe he'll be understanding. I'm sure he's no stranger to judgy families being poly himself. Yeah, maybe he'll take one for the team. So my feeling is you have to decide which friction you can live with. Welcome to wedding planning. Isn't it so fun? Clearly, some people in your family, mama Bible verses and grandma, you stole my baby, maybe others.

37:02They just aren't on board with your brother's identity. But you're not going to change their minds. Not before the wedding. Anyway, possibly never. Although I do hold out some hope that they can at least come to accept that he's happier, even if they vehemently disagree with everything else. You've already invited your brother and his partners. So you've picked a side. Now you got to make peace with the resulting drama or try to minimize it. And the way that I would do that is I would go to your mom, your grandma, anyone else in the family who has an issue with your brother, and I'd say, hey look, I know you don't approve of Ryan's choice.

37:32I understand that's difficult for you, but I want him and his husband at the wedding, so I've invited them. I know that might be hard for you, but I'm respectfully asking you to put all of these feelings and questions and all that stuff aside for my big day, because I want to be able to enjoy my wedding and not stress about how everybody feels about Ryan today. After the wedding, sure, we can talk about it, but on the day, I am asking you to be kind, to be diplomatic, to be respectful for my sake. And if that means you don't talk to Ryan or his partner at the wedding, okay. If it means you guys gossip about them afterwards, fine.

38:08But I do not want any unnecessary stress at my wedding. That is really important to me. Can you do me that favor? Can you help me have the most fun and peaceful wedding possible. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I mean, something like that. If you frame it as this is what I need as the bride to ensure my wedding goes smoothly, I think that is your best bet. Right. You're not asking them to change. You're just asking them to play nice for a day for your sake, which they're probably way more likely to do. And if they do, then I don't think you need to have your grandmother only at the ceremony and then have your brother only at the reception.

38:42I mean, it's an option if you want to do that. And if your grandmother seems intent on causing a scene, then maybe that's the move. But I would try Jordan's approach first. I think that's a wonderful script. And maybe don't seat your brother and your grandma at the same table. That seems like one easy way to sidestep some drums. It'll also probably make the wedding way more enjoyable for your brother. But you can also ask him, hey, where do you want to sit? Where would you feel most comfortable? And then do that. Yeah, I think that's a good call. Another idea is steal grandma's glasses before the ceremony so she doesn't know who anyone is.

39:12Nice. Nice dark Jordan pitch there, but also very zany. I do have some more. Please, let's hear him. I would love to hear more Dark Jordan. What do you got? I mean, get grandma so liquored up at the reception, she can't even tell who anyone is. Oh, yeah. I like that one. I don't know what her lifestyle is like if she's a big drinker, but she might also have more fun that way, too. Exactly. Everyone wins. Although she might also be like, I'm going to march up there right in the beginning and give a speech. That's right. Right. Because she's had three glasses of wine. Oh, yeah. Sloppy, disinhibited grandma up on the mic.

39:41That could be it could go either way. I have a dark gay bitch. Put Dave in a tuxedo and make him carry around a tray all night so everybody just thinks he's part of the catering staff, but really he's just hanging out. Yeah. Nice one. Kind of avoidant, very difficult to pull off logistically, but A plus for creativity. Thank you. Mine were pretty basic compared to that one. Here's one. Dave and his partner put on a trench coat and Dave stands on his shoulders little rascal style. But then he's going to be so tall he's going to stand out, right? Yeah. So that's not going to work. Yeah, some of our ideas are better than others, I'm thinking.

40:14Anyway, I'm sorry your family isn't supportive of your brother. Like I said, it's a sad situation and there's no easy solution. But you can't fix your family dynamics on your own. All you can do is be kind to your brother and ask your family to be on their best behavior so that you can have the day that you want, which is your right as the bride. And hey, you might not succeed 100%. Your grandma might make a snide comment over the shrimp cocktail. Your mom might drop a Bible verse that's definitely about him into her toast. that's supposed to be about you. You can't control every aspect of your wedding, but you can control your response to that stuff.

40:49So if anything crazy goes down, just take a deep breath, let it roll off your back, remind yourself to enjoy your wedding anyway. You can't let these people infect your whole day. And after it's over, you'll probably remember the good parts more than any of the bad ones. And hey, congrats on getting engaged, have fun at the wedding, and good luck with that seating chart. It sounds more complicated than most of Gabe's sign-offs. That's absolutely true. I got to say, Gabe, it is unfair for people to bring their personal beliefs to weddings if they are not the bride and groom. Yeah. Even the parents of the bride and groom.

41:20It's like, this is not your, yes, the party is kind of, you know, that whole thing, like the wedding is for the bride's mom or whatever. Okay. That's partially true. But that just means you get to really enjoy the day. It doesn't mean that you get to use this as a platform to talk about why you're disappointed in your son. That is so wildly inappropriate. This is not the place for that people. Not the venue. Leave it at home. No. Just enjoy. Absolutely not the place for that. It's really kind of sad. My wedding was hilarious because I didn't really invite that many people, as you might recall.

41:53Like, I didn't invite like my college roommates or like all these people that I grew up with. I invited people who didn't really have to fly to get there. And of course, other family. But most of my family stayed in Michigan. We had another reception. But we invited some really fun local friends. and one of my buddies, his wife, they have four kids and she's very like a serious person. She doesn't get to go out too much because she has four kids. I think they have five now. She got absolutely trashed at the wedding and I'm sure it was kind of an accident, right? She was just like, the food was really late coming out.

42:27She never gets out and she was absolutely hammered. Not sloppy hammered where you're like picking her up off the floor, but we had sparklers at the end. You remember those? Oh yeah. And we were going to do this thing where we walk through the tunnel of sparklers and take photos. I don't remember the super drunk person, but yeah, what happened there? Well, she grabs sparklers and she's like running around barefoot at the country club. And again, she's like a lawyer. Okay. It was dead serious all the time. And she's running and she's got the sparklers. And my friend, they had brought their baby.

42:57And she's like, Jordan, sparklers plus baby. And my friends were like, is a terrible idea. This is Caleb. It's like, is a terrible idea. And she's like, no. So she's like around the baby, like doing with the sparklers and they're like running away from her. Oh, wow. She had a good time. It was just, she had a great time, but it was so funny because if you, the juxtaposition between who this woman is during the day, a lawyer and a serious mom, and then her with like, yeah, baby and sparklers, she's like doing cartwheels on the grass. It sounds like she needed it. Your wedding was probably the most lit event she had been to in years, probably still since that day.

43:34Yes. Literally with the sparklers. Another good pun. I know. My point is weddings are hilarious and they're worth every penny in many ways because you have all these memories and they're hilarious. And even if drama does happen, you're hopefully going to be able to look back and be like, that was the time grandma threw her teeth at Ryan. Right. Oh my God. I forgot about that. Like just try and enjoy and put humor behind any sort of negativity. If any, it actually happens. Anyway, you can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier.

44:06If your tax evading husband is hiding guns in the wall, your sister slept with her boyfriend before you met, or your friend tragically killed her baby during a psychotic episode, that was absolutely heartbreaking last week, Gabe. I can't stop thinking about that story. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Okay, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I've been living in a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate for about eight months now. We were friends during childhood, but lost contact during our teen years and through college.

44:37Then we reconnected when we were both looking to move, and it worked out. When we moved in together, he asked if his girlfriend could stay over a few nights a week. I had no problem with this, so I agreed. But now she essentially lives here. In fact, she's here more than I am, and she doesn't pay any of the rent. I have a solid job and hobbies, friends, and social obligations that keep me very busy and away from the apartment most of the time. My roommate has always been very messy and disorganized, so it's no surprise that he's the same now. I do all of the cleaning, restocking, and other upkeep.

45:14Meanwhile, they generally sit in his room and watch TV most of the time. His girlfriend is also rude to me and unpleasant to be around, which is frustrating considering that this isn't her apartment. My roommate also hasn't had a stable job or car for most of the time we've been living together. His girlfriend drives him everywhere, which is why she's here so much. She doesn't have a stable job either. None of this would be as big of an issue for me if they were ambitious, looking for a stable job, furthering their education, and being respectful of me in the space that we share. Coming back to the apartment always stresses me out, as they are always there, and I never know what I'm walking into.

45:52The problem is, my roommate has just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and it's causing him to have limited feeling and strength in his hands, among other health issues. His mom has MS too. Then, a week or two after getting diagnosed, the restaurant he worked out was sold, leaving him jobless and carless. I'm at my wit's end with him and his girlfriend, but I also genuinely feel bad for him. How do I go about navigating this conversation with my roommate without piling on. How do I tell him to either find a new place with his girlfriend, move back home, or get his act together and contribute more?

46:27Signed, trying to be compassionate, but expecting more from my cohabitant when he's being pretty intransigent about restocking the frigging cabinets. Oh man, this was shaping up to be a pretty typical my roommate sucks, how do I tell him to stop being such an a-hole or kick rocks story? Yep. Until the big MS reveal. And that definitely complicates matters. It raises the stakes on all those. And honestly, my heart does go out to this guy because getting an MS diagnosis on top of having a parent with MS, that's a very intense piece of news to receive. And it's got to be pretty scary and painful physically and emotionally.

47:00And I'm sure this guy is really going through it. In fact, him cocooning with his girlfriend, not leaving the house a lot, avoiding responsibility, that might just speak to how overwhelming this diagnosis really is for him. Totally. I mean, it's very sad, but to be fair, he was doing all of that before he found out he had MS. So I don't know. Well, that's right. He can't blame all of this on his health problems. Look, I've got a buddy with MS and he's like in the C-suite at Amazon. So, OK, this guy was struggling to take care of himself and be a thoughtful roommate before he found out. So he can't pin it all on this news.

47:37But finding out you have a life altering disease, that's a tough piece of news for somebody who's already maybe not the most ambitious or proactive or equipped. Right. So first of all, I totally get why this situation is frustrating you. All this would drive me up the dang wall too. You moved in with one guy. He doesn't pitch in or pull his weight. Suddenly you got two roommates. They're constantly there. They don't seem to do much. They're not really taking care of themselves. This girlfriend is actually rude to you when you're being pretty damn cool, which tracks totally, by the way. They just sound awful.

48:07That's the part of the letter that just gets me so angry. The messiness thing, the not pitching in thing. Ah, this stuff makes my blood boil. I don't like it. It reminds me of that story that we took, I think, last year. There was a guy who threw a bachelor party for his friend, and one of the other guys just, like, never paid for anything and was like, Oh, yeah. I'm broke. And then it was like, oh, and also I'm not going to clean up your stuff. When everybody else is cleaning, he's just watching TV. It's like, what is wrong with you? Who raised your dumb ass? Have you no shame? Some people are raised by wolves.

48:37and it shocks me all the time, but it shouldn't anymore. It really is shocking. And if you're not like that, you just can't live with these people. It's gross, first of all. It's stressful. It's unfair. They're taking advantage of you and they're just oblivious. I get why our friend is at his wit's end. How long do you wipe down the counter every day and restock the frickin' Windex and toilet paper while your lazy ass roommate and his rude girlfriend watch their sixth hour of Vanderpump Rules before you blow a gasket, man? It's untenable. He's gotta get out. It's time. I agree. but then he genuinely feels bad for this guy, which I also understand.

49:09Right, but the two are compatible. He can feel empathy for this guy, and he can also say, I'm really sorry, man. I know you're going through a lot right now, but this arrangement isn't exactly what we agreed on on many levels, so we gotta talk. True. He doesn't need to be a dick about it, but he does need to protect himself. So here's how I'd do that. Sit down with your roommate or take him out to coffee if his girlfriend's always around. I'm thinking you don't want to do this in front of her because she's just going to step in and blast her loud mouth about the whole thing and basically tell him, listen, man, I know you got this big piece of news.

49:41I'm so sorry you're going through it. I can only imagine how intense that must be. And I'm also very sorry about the timing of this because I know you're going through a lot, but we gotta talk about our living situation. When we moved in together, I thought, you know, it's gonna be you and me. I thought we'd pitch in equally. As you know, I was very accommodating when you asked if Chloe could stay over a few nights a week. I felt that's fair game. But now she lives here. She's at the apartment more than I am. And you and I are still splitting the rent. It doesn't really feel entirely fair, especially since I put in most of the work to keep the apartment running.

50:14We also just have very different standards for our home. And we have totally different lifestyles, which is fine. But it does make our roommate situation a lot harder. And truth be told, I'm finding it super stressful. I don't really feel like this is our apartment anymore. I've gotten some weird vibes from Chloe, which is extra weird because we're doing her a big favor by having her over so often. And it's gotten to the point where something's gotta change. So I just wanted to talk to you about it. Does this make sense? Are you happy with our living situation? Is there a world where you could keep things a little neater and contribute a little bit more?

50:47Is that hard to do with your symptoms? And then you guys have to talk about it. And if he's like, honestly, no, I'm really happy. You're good at the housekeeping stuff and I'm good at watching TV. Then yeah, it's time to part ways because he's taking advantage of you. And then you can talk about options, moving out or encouraging him to move out or move back home. But if he's open to changing, hey, maybe you guys hit the reset button and try again for a few months and see how it goes. But I will say it's very unlikely. He's going to be like, Chloe, you can't come over as much. I was going to say, I don't have high hopes for this guy changing, unfortunately.

51:20No, me neither. I would have low hopes for this guy changing before he had a diagnosis, but now he's got to fight that and this. the fact that the guy was already kind of a lazy POS to begin with. But also, you know, this isn't just, you know, I don't like how you love the dishwasher. I like it my way. Right. This is, I want to live in a decent place that feels like mine and yours. And you want to live with your nightmare of a girlfriend in Joe Exotic's Wild Animal Park or whatever. And that's just like, I don't know how you cross that bridge. How this girl could even feel comfortable spending this much time at their house without either offering to pay rent or being super kind and respectful.

51:58I mean, I can't wrap my head around it. Raised by wolves. I'm telling you, these people, I can't. It's just so weird to me that people can enjoy themselves when they're not being decent human beings in these very basic ways. But that's the issue, because we're not just talking about stocking the cabinets and logistics or lifestyles. We're talking about values. And those values existed before his roommate found out he had MS. And it doesn't seem like they're going to change after getting this piece of news, to your point, either. Right. I got to say, I'm also pretty worried about this roommate.

52:26If you have MS and you're already experiencing symptoms at this age, you should not be sitting around watching hours of TV, never leaving the house. You've got to be exercising. You've got to be doing physical therapy. You have got to be eating well, socializing and taking care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. This is the opposite of that. So who knows what this guy is going through? Maybe the news has just totally flattened him and he's kind of given up. But if he's going to live a relatively full and well-functioning life, he's going to have to come to terms with this and start taking care of himself better.

52:57It's an excellent point. So this living situation isn't really working for him either. No, it's not. And maybe that's something you bring up in that conversation. Like, hey man, I'm concerned about you. I want you to be as healthy as possible. I know it must be hard, but I don't think this lifestyle is giving you the best shot at doing that. This isn't just about me and my preferences. Maybe that'll wake him up a little bit too. But again, this is his life. It's his diagnosis, his relationship. You can't make him change, but you can give him some perspective. And if you do all of that kindly and gently and compassionately, even if you give it to him pretty straight, that's how you have this conversation without piling on.

53:34You don't need to be cruel. You don't need to be unfeeling in order to be honest. What your roommate is going through is very sad and it's very difficult, but that doesn't mean that your needs, your very reasonable needs don't matter. You're one half of this living situation. So you can definitely make space for both. Agreed. Go have this conversation and longer term, go find a roommate who's more compatible or better yet, keep investing in yourself so you can live alone. And then you'll never have to deal with fricking ants in the kitchen and Chloe being snippy with you as she pours the last of the fruity pebbles into the bowl in the morning.

54:06It doesn't swing by the market to replace it or wash the bowl because you know she doesn't wash the bowl. You know she's not doing any of that. No, just ends up in the sink for three days. And then she's like, where are the bowls? There's no clean bowls. Do you live here? Chloe, I'm sorry. Do you live here? Who are you? Get out of my kitchen. Anyway, good luck. You know what your lazy and avoidant roommate and his rude, mooching girlfriend don't deserve? The amazing products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you find our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors.

54:41All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are all in a searchable, clickable place, jordanharbinger.com slash deals. Also, if you can't remember the name of a sponsor, you can't remember the code, can't find the code, email me, jordan at jordanharbinger.com. I will happily service that code for you. It is that important that you support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 34-year-old mother of two elementary school kids, and three days after my daughter was born, I found out that my college professor husband had started an affair with one of his students.

55:18He left our home and rented an apartment for the next six weeks. This was the hardest and most painful thing I've ever been through. Wow, three days after childbirth. Talk about timing. Man, that is quite a bombshell. I am so sorry that that happened. Wow. He ultimately came home and told me he wanted to fight for our family. I did too. I was still very much in love with him and felt that he was going through some sort of early 30s crisis. You know, the old famous 30 early 30s crisis that hits everybody at 32 and a half. Yeah, the quarter life crisis or whatever. I really thought that he would come to his senses and realize what he was gambling away.

55:56Two years later, he communicated with the same girl multiple times. He just couldn't completely end things. But he also didn't seem to really want to as he didn't block her on social media or on his phone. I realized that it was time to walk away and started the divorce process. He continued to pursue a relationship with this woman and they got pregnant. Their relationship has been dysfunctional and toxic from the jump. They've broken up and gotten back together countless times. They're both immature, impulsive, and selfish, and they amplify those traits in each other. This all came to a head last year when my ex-husband made two trips to jail after his girlfriend filed domestic assault charges.

56:38The second incident happened while my kids were in the home, although in a different room, and he hit her while she was holding their now one-year-old. My ex was never violent in any way during our decade-long relationship, so this information was foundation-shaking. He seemed so irrational and delusional to me. I immediately contacted a lawyer and petitioned for full custody of the kids. He He signed away his custody without fighting, and the kids have been with me full-time since. Wow, so intense. Well, that's probably for the best, and I guess I'm glad that he made things easy there. Yeah, this sounds like a very chaotic relationship.

57:14I'm getting the sense that these two wind each other up and bring out the worst in each other. I'm not letting him off the hook whatsoever, but this combination does sound uniquely combustible. I also learned that he lost$30 ,000 to a guy he met in jail, who told him he would invest that money in his drug business and turn it into$150 ,000. Plot twist, the guy took his money and ghosted. What on earth? Color me surprised. Shocked. For the love of God, why? Why would you give 30 grand to a lowlife nobody felon that you met in jail, you idiot, to invest in an illegal business? Are you the dumbest person alive?

57:54Just some weirdo who wants venture capital funding for his fentanyl business? I don't get it. Dude, there's something wrong with this guy. Yeah. Which college is this guy a professor at? What on earth is happening? What is happening here? Well, I mean, one explanation is that he might have serious financial problems, and maybe they're worse even than our friend here realizes. But even if you have money problems, yeah, not firing on all cylinders, her ex. Or maybe, yeah, he's just desperate, and that has completely warped his thinking. So she goes on. Thankfully, I got all three of us in therapy shortly before all of this happened, as both kids were struggling with the transition between houses, and my daughter was showing some intense anxiety while at his home.

58:36Wow, okay. I'm sure the divorce was hard on them. Kids absorb a lot. Yeah, I wonder if your daughter was picking up on some of the tension in his house. So good on you for getting therapy. Way to be attuned to your kids. We're now doing really well. My kids are thriving with a stable and consistent home life. They see their dad a few times a week, supervised by either me or their grandmother. They're happy to see him, and they're completely fine after saying goodbye. They aren't showing any signs of stress or anxiety. Amazing. That's a huge turnaround. That's encouraging. So she goes on, The problem is, he now wants to see them without supervision for a few hours here and there.

59:11But I'm hesitant. I don't trust him. He's lied to me many times. Some of those lies involve the kids. I also know that he's still engulfed in this toxic relationship. I actually found out because I recently got a bunch of super inappropriate messages from him at 1 a.m. that were meant for her. Oof, that must have been weird. Also, that makes me wonder if he's taking care of himself properly. I mean, was that a true accident or was he just wasted and he starts sexting you thinking that it's her? I don't know. Why isn't he in bed asleep? You know, I'm kind of speculating here. It just raises some questions.

59:47Yeah, get some sleep, dude. I'm 100 % not okay with my kids being around him if she's there. He's saying that he's seeing a therapist and has gotten a side job to help recoup the money. He does help out financially, but it's significantly less than what I should probably be asking for. But then I don't want to see him drown financially. I want him to have some chance of turning things around. But as long as he's pursuing this unhealthy relationship, he isn't doing well. He's very surfacy with his insight about all of this. this person has destroyed his life, and yet he still can't give her up.

1:00:22Well, all right, not to quibble. I take your point. I agree, mostly, but I also think it's a little simplistic to say that this woman destroyed his life. He definitely has destroyed his life. He pursued her. He sticks around in this dysfunctional nonsense relationship. He hit her. He gave his money to a criminal. I mean, she didn't help matters, and she's definitely a part of this, and she's bringing out the worst in him, but let's just be totally accurate about who's responsible here. Should I give my ex-husband more credit for these things? Do I need to relax a little on my rules around seeing the kids?

1:00:53Should I let him take them out for dinner without supervision? Or should I trust my gut and keep things the way they are? Also, what responsibility do I have to promote my kids' relationship with their half-brother? How do I handle making plans for them when I have to coordinate with my ex's girlfriend? Signed, a bomb mom dealing with an errant co-parent. Oh man, what a tough family situation. I am very sorry that your ex-husband went off and did this. He sounds like he's being an idiot. And I'm even more sorry that his life seems to have gone off the rails in a number of ways since you separated.

1:01:27You guys gave it a real shot. Obviously, this relationship with this other woman was very compelling to him for reasons that are not entirely clear to me, but probably speak to some unresolved stuff in him and also in her. and as chaotic as all this is, it does sound like you guys are better off as co-parents than partners. So I guess I'm glad it played out this way, kinda. But yeah, man, very hard to watch and definitely concerning for your kids since they might be exposed to a lot of this dysfunction when they spend time with their dad. I absolutely understand why that puts you in a difficult spot.

1:02:01So let's just get this out of the way. Should you give your ex-husband more credit for his improvements? I mean, sure, why not? he does deserve credit for taking some positive steps. Validating his efforts couldn't hurt. He could probably use the recognition, a little encouragement. But I also understand why these steps don't feel like enough to you. Because even if he's going to therapy and he's working another job, that doesn't necessarily mean he's getting better in these more foundational ways. I mean, who knows how he's showing up in therapy, what he's taken away from it, how he's applying it to his life.

1:02:33Like you said, his insight into all of this, It just seems pretty surfacy. And the real thing you want to see him make progress on is realizing that his relationship with his girlfriend is dysfunctional and unhealthy in either working on those things with her or parting ways. So yes, I think it's important to recognize him for the progress he's made. He deserves that. But I also get why you're finding it hard to golf clap for your ex-husband when he's like, I went to therapy three times and found out my relationship is a little wacky. Yeah, like good effort, bro. You want to dig a little deeper there and maybe take a look at some other parts of your life?

1:03:06You know, maybe do you want to maybe get eight hours of sleep so you can perform at your best at work tomorrow and have energy to see your kids instead of sending dick pics from the bathroom to the woman you also inexplicably feel the urge to hit, apparently, which landed you in jail not once but twice. I mean, and also, by the way, where you met a guy who conned you out of 30 grand on an illegal enterprise. I mean, I'm just still shaking my head about that detail. It's got to just be so hard for her to watch all this and bite her tongue. As for relaxing a little on your rules around seeing the kids, that's a little tricky.

1:03:36In a way, you have less reason to worry now than you did before. Your kids are doing well. They're happy to see their dad. They're not dying to get away from him or crying when they say goodbye. Maybe they have a pretty good relationship now. But then, are those visits going well because you or grandma is there? You don't know for sure how dad would behave if he's alone with them. Like, is he gonna order one too many beers at Chuck E. Cheese? Is he gonna start bad-mouthing you over dessert? Is he gonna take them bowling and spend the whole time sexting his girlfriend. Maybe, or maybe he'll be just as peaceful and present as he is during the supervised visits.

1:04:09So here's an idea. Maybe you let him take the kids out unsupervised once and see how it goes. Something simple. They go to the park for an hour. They catch a movie. They grab some ice cream. They come right home. And then you really check in with your kids. Ask them how it went. See how they're acting. If there's any cause for concern. If they seem happy and normal, maybe you let him have another unsupervised visit. And if things continue to go well, you can graduate to longer hangs with dad alone. But if you notice anything off, if your kids are being weirdly quiet, they hint that something happened while they were out, they suddenly don't want to see their dad the next time, then yes, trust your gut and go back to supervised visits only.

1:04:49But either way, I think it's totally fair to ask that he not bring his girlfriend along to these visits. You could say, hey, I'm sorry, but I see how chaotic things get between you And I'm sure we both agree that that is not healthy for the kids to be around. I agree. I think that's a very reasonable request. And you don't even have to say who's to blame for that. You can just say, you know, I see that there's some friction between you guys and I don't exactly know how it happens, but we're on the same page here, right? The kids should not be around that. And then down the road, if their relationship gets better, you can revisit that.

1:05:18Although who knows if that's ever going to happen? I'm not clear on whether they're working on their relationship or have the desire to do that. It's kind of a mess. So you're asking another interesting question. What responsibility do you have to promote your kid's relationship with their half-brother? Honestly, I'm not sure because sadly that relationship comes with a lot of tension and the potential for more conflict. It sucks that their son might not have the closest relationship with his half-siblings, but that's his parents' fault. I mean, I hope that they do end up having a good relationship because he could really use some good siblings, stable siblings, happy siblings as he grows up.

1:05:56But I don't know, that might not be easy. Yeah, I'm afraid the kid is going to have a tough go of it. I mean, dad hit mom while she was holding him. That and probably a thousand other weird moments. I mean, that's got to make an impression, right? Oh, yeah. That's going to be a core memory inside out style. So my feeling is you have a responsibility to not unnecessarily prevent your kids from seeing their half brother. I think you have a responsibility to not deliberately drive a wedge between them. I don't know if you necessarily have a responsibility to make sure that they are best friends, but you know what?

1:06:27Why don't you follow your kid's lead on this one? If they hang out with their dad more and they like their half-brother and things are harmonious and they like doing things together, great. Then I would definitely encourage their relationship. Right. As long as it doesn't expose your kids to anything toxic. Like if visiting their half-brother means they have to sit at the dinner table while his mom yells at them or dad drinks himself into a stupor or something like that. Right. That's your first responsibility to protect them. And yes, I am sure that it is challenging to coordinate those visits with your ex-girlfriend.

1:06:54The only advice I can offer there is keep it kind, keep it respectful, keep it just focused on the logistics. I think you just have to be diplomatic and compartmentalized. So when you're on the phone with her, it's, you know, what time would you like me to drop them off? What time can you pick them up? Thank you for making dinner tonight. I hope you and your son are doing well. Goodbye. I wouldn't get too deep with her or insert yourself into her relationship with your ex or anything like that. And if those calls are really difficult for you, just, you know, do some deep breathing and promise yourself that you'll stay on point.

1:07:24Remind yourself that this is just about making sure your kids have a relationship with their half-brother, right? It's simple. I would just pretend you're coordinating with a nanny service or something, and that's the end of that. Yeah, that's a tough one. Imagine having to call up the student your husband started an affair with while you were married and who kind of stole your husband away from you and then turned his life into a dumpster fire. Like, hi, is little Caleb free for a play date tomorrow at three? Dark Jordan wants to be like, hey, homewrecker, just scheduling a play date between your Satan spawn and my innocent kids were collateral damage in the divorce that you helped cause.

1:07:56We're free at three. Hope that works. Bye-bye. Oh, brutal. But yeah, I kind of get it. Look, I take back the Satan spawn thing. There's no evidence that that kid's a monster. I actually feel bad for him. Like, his mom is a knucklehead. His dad's a knucklehead. He's totally blameless in all this. And he's growing up in what sounds like a very chaotic home. Poor kid. But yeah, I couldn't resist Satan Spawn for the sake of the joke. You had to do it. But I had to. I'm sorry that this guy spun out in this way. This is definitely a challenging co-parent to have, and it might always be a little rocky until your kids grow up, but I do commend him for taking some positive steps.

1:08:29And I commend you for navigating all this with a lot of strength, sensitivity, and attunement to your children. I do hope your ex confronts his stuff in a deeper way, but that's his business. You're handling yours. You're doing a damn good job of it from the sound of it. So keep up the great work. Keep being there for your kids and protecting them as needed. And hey, call me crazy, but maybe tell your husband not to invest in any more drug trafficking operations. Just a little business tip from your Uncle Jordan. That's right. Gun running. That's the illicit business you want to be in. Exactly.

1:09:00Better margins. Way more fun. Thank us later. So much more exciting. You're welcome. Yeah, actually, I doubt the margins on guns are better, but that wasn't the point of that bit of advice. All right. What's next? Hey, guys. I know you're both great at networking. love connecting with people and learning about them and have terrific life experiences. That is correct, as evidenced by the ostrich farm story and the barber who was arrested for assault in front of me story. So I was curious, what conferences do you guys typically go to? What would you recommend a 25-year-old do to learn more about themselves, gain these valuable experiences, and add some tremendous perspective to their life?

1:09:38Signed, hoping you bros can disclose where you rub elbows. Me? Good at networking? I think he's confusing you with somebody else. I don't know. Yeah. I actually don't really think about it all that much. I just cross my fingers and hope people will be there for me when shit hits the fan. That's part of the brand, actually. That's right. It's part of the brand. You might have noticed I've got a whole course that I keep on banging on about. I'm actually about to do it again, so thanks for putting up with me. So if you want to learn more about yourself, meet interesting people, have valuable experiences, I would absolutely not look to conferences to give you that.

1:10:11conferences can be interesting in an intellectual way. For example, you might hear about some cool ideas at TED, maybe about neuroscience or sleep or the benefits of doing therapy on a trampoline or whatever. But the conference itself, probably not going to meaningfully change your life. The programming at conferences, in my opinion, it's usually kind of like, meh. A lot of people swear by the self-help seminar type stuff, but I really find that a lot of it is culty and or just a sucker funnel for some guru or wannabe guru teaching it. Or it's interesting, but it's secondary to the social aspect.

1:10:46What does transform your life is relationships and experiences. So if a conference adds to your life in a meaningful way, it's almost certainly because of somebody that you met there. So Gabe and I actually met at a conference in what was like 2010, Gabe? Yeah, 2010, 14 years ago. Wild. Yeah. So we met at this conference called Summit Series, which is more, it's more like a retreat than a conference, I guess. So it's kind of like Ted meets Burning Man meets Wanderlust or something like that. And as far as these things go, hey, it's a good one. It's honestly a lot of fun, but I can't say that it was something that taught me about myself.

1:11:20But Gabe and I both ended up in a random talk one afternoon and somehow just started chatting. Can't remember why, can't remember how. I had just moved to LA with my old company. So we grabbed dinner a few weeks later, got along really well. And then over the years, we just started collaborating on some articles and stuff, traveling a little bit together to North Korea. The rest is history. So the value of that retreat for me was meeting Gabe and maybe, maybe a tiny handful of other people. And that value is huge for sure. But it wasn't because of the programming of the conference. My feeling is if you're 25, you don't really need conferences.

1:11:53You need to build skills, whether it's sales or programming or writing or speaking foreign languages. You need to build confidence in those skills and you need to generate a social circle. Conferences can be part of that, but they're really no substitute for that. Having those skills is what makes you valuable. It rounds out your hobbies, and most importantly, it puts you in touch with other people who are also interested in those things and opportunities that need your skill set. So the relationship-building aspect is part and parcel of developing your toolkit, your craft, and taking it to interesting places.

1:12:24Slash the people you meet show you those interesting places. If I had to do it all over again at your age, I'd probably get a job at another country, even if it was like, I don't know, working at a hotel or a translation company or whatever. Learn a new language that way, make a bunch of local friends, get experience working in another cultural environment. If I'd done that earlier, I probably would have skipped law school. I probably would have stuck with my areas of interest far more than I did early in my career, which would have saved me a lot of time, saved me a lot of money, and probably so I'd hopefully gotten me to where I am now a whole lot faster and with a lot less stress.

1:12:58But then, yeah, I probably wouldn't have met my old business partner, which sort of set me down this path. So who knows? Things always play out the way they kind of have to or the way they did anyway. Prioritize this other stuff over conferences. That's my take. And if you're gonna attend some sort of event, I'd pick one that's hobby related. For example, you go to Thailand for a week and you do Muay Thai training or you go to Brazil and do some jujitsu stuff. Don't go to some networking specific event for like startups unless you have very specific goals for that conference. Like there are people who will be there who you want to connect with and you reach out to them beforehand so you can make sure it happens instead of just hoping you cross paths when you're there.

1:13:38For sure. Totally agree. I got to say, Jordan, meeting you at Summit Series obviously literally changed my life. I mean, you're the reason I started traveling more ambitiously, why I started pursuing my writing, how I got into podcasting. But, you know, you didn't change my life overnight. It happened slowly over many years in the way that we grew together and the stuff we did together, the collaboration. So obviously that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't bumped into each other at that retreat. So you could say that the conference was essential, but really, I think it was just that the event brought us together.

1:14:09And after that, it was just about how we nurtured our friendship and then created really cool experiences together, which really started with going to North Korea that first time. Right. There's a world where we could have met on Twitter or whatever, and maybe the same thing would have happened. There's also a world where we meet and we didn't foster much of a friendship. Exactly. In fact, it's funny. I remember when we grabbed dinner that first time, we met at some random restaurant in Hollywood or whatever, and they had the most epic bougie grilled cheese sandwiches. I remember that. And a day or two before we were supposed to go, you texted me saying, hey, I'm just confirming we're on for dinner at this place at this time.

1:14:42And I was like, whoa, this person is actually following through on our plans. Because I'd been in LA for, I don't know, a month or two at that point. And so many people were flaking on me. I had come out from New York where people don't bail on plans nearly as much. I was starting to realize the cliche about LA people being flaky was true, and you didn't do that. So it's like, yeah, you can meet super interesting or important people at a conference, but how are you nurturing those relationships? How are you showing up in them? What experiences are you creating through them? That's what really matters.

1:15:11Yes, I agree. And I'm so glad that I confirmed dinner because my God, I don't know where my life would be if we hadn't crossed paths. So I'm with you. I'm not crazy about conferences. is they're not my favorite vibe. I will say this. They're a very efficient way to meet a lot of people at once, which is usually what you end up paying for. That's true. But you don't need them. Like you're better off reaching out to people you're excited about, people you have something to offer and traveling and creating rewarding experiences. And, you know, all of that, by the way, travel is by far the most stimulating experience and it's a great way to meet people, but also reading and building your skills and being present and generous in your relationships.

1:15:49That's basically it. But if you ever do see a conference that's relevant to you and you think that it's going to attract interesting, solid people and they're not charging you, you know, three months rent for two days of lame workshops and a drink ticket, then yeah, maybe give it a go. Just remember that the best thing you can do there is meet one awesome person, not attend 17 different talks about biohacking and emotional intelligence in the hopes that it's going to make you a richer person. Exactly. reading books and watching YouTube or listening to podcasts can give you that same thing and much better.

1:16:21But if you happen to sit next to the right person or walk up to somebody interesting at the mixer afterwards, then it could be a game changer. But you could probably do the same thing in an airport terminal or on LinkedIn, maybe even better and definitely cheaper. I love your question, man. It's a great one for a 25 year old to be asking and good luck. And I want to caveat this actually, Gabriel, if you are in a very specific industry or the conference is curated in some way, Like you get invited to a thing. I get invited to these conferences. I'm not going to mention the name of it because I'm not sure what their sort of standards are.

1:16:54But I got referred by this guy who's like a rocket scientist and a super smart dude. And they're always like, can you make it to this event? And the people who are coming, it's always like the CEO of OpenAI, the head of Google publicity department or like not even publicity, but some like department in Google. this person from the Department of Defense, this person from the Department of Transportation. And then I'm like, and you want my lame ass over there? Like, okay, that seems like a pretty cool thing to be a part of. And there's other conferences that are like, okay, everyone who's here is an entrepreneur that owns this kind of business or is in this circle of businesses and is this big.

1:17:30And also we met with everyone personally, so there's no D-bags. That's good curation. And I'll buy tickets to those kinds of things and do those kinds of events. But if the curation is you paid 100 bucks for the ticket or$5 ,000 for the ticket, I'm probably going to pass on that because you're just trying to turn this into a moneymaker. You don't really care about who's there. Like you said, it's never the programming at the event. It's always who's there. So if they're just letting in anybody who can buy a ticket, it's probably going to be lame and a waste of time. That is a very good caveat.

1:18:03And you just reminded me of something that I completely forgot about, but I'm just going to quickly tell this story because I think it might help this guy. so this is very funny early early on in my screenwriting days when i was really just starting out i knew nothing really i was so green and i also knew nobody in the industry and i don't know if anybody listening has ever heard of this before but there's this thing and it happens in la i think it might also happen in smaller cities where there isn't you know hollywood is very far away there are these things called pitch fests for writers where it's a cattle call and it's really unpleasant.

1:18:36And you basically go there with your projects in tow, like your little pitch, and you line up in these lines for the companies whose representatives are there. And from 9am till like 5pm, you can just meet one after another after another with these executives and pitch them your ideas. And I went and I did this and I truly one of the worst days of my life. I mean, it was so depressing. And it was very demoralizing, not just because I didn't really know what I was doing and my pitches were not good. It just confirmed how difficult it is to break into the industry because you're like, there are so many people who want to do this.

1:19:11And then there are these events that are run by people who are kind of preying on amateur screenwriters and making you pay a hundred bucks or 200 bucks or more to have access to these executives. And half of them seemed like they didn't want to be there. I mean, it was like, it was a really, really bad day. But narrator, they did not want to be there. so I walked away from that experience a little scarred and then I think two years went by maybe and I wrote another script and I learned a little bit more and I was like I wonder if I should go back to that event but with a new perspective and I should give this another shot and I decided that I would but I did something different this time I asked my friend in the interim since I went to the first event I met a really wonderful producer who ended up becoming my collaborator on a number of movies and is also my really good friend.

1:20:01And she had a small production company. And I was like, how would you feel about me going to this pitch fest, but I will go as an executive, quote unquote, of your company and see if I can maybe source some projects that are interesting to you. You don't have to go, I'll do all the work. And then while I'm there, maybe I'll meet some people and I can kind of get my little thing in while I do this other thing. So I went and by the way, everything you need to know about this event can be summed up by the fact that the moment I wrote them saying, hey, I'm an executive for this company you've never heard of.

1:20:30Can I come? They were like, of course, sure. And we'll pay you a hundred bucks to be there. So I was like, okay, this whole thing feels like very lame and not well done and scammy, but whatever. So I went and it was one of the most eyeopening days I've ever had because for eight hours, I sat across from people who are in my shoes pitching their projects. And I got to see what a good pitch looks like, what a bad pitch looks like, where people make mistakes. Oh, this is brilliant. It was extraordinary. And then during the lunch break, they're like, oh, all the executives go have lunch in the side room while the participants have to like walk across the street to the Chili's or whatever.

1:21:07And I was like sitting at lunch with all the people I wanted to meet, but it wasn't weird because I wasn't trying to pitch them on anything. I was kind of a peer. Right. So it was actually kind of brilliant. And the funniest thing about it was at the end of the day, they asked all the executives to come by the little station where the people who run the conference are sitting to come collect their money. And I'm like, oh yeah, I forgot I'm being paid to be here. So I had to line up for 20 minutes to go get my money. And while I'm standing in line, I run into this woman who's super nice and we end up totally clicking and we actually are still friends and colleagues kind of.

1:21:42And then I got to the thing and they're like, here's your, they hand me a$100 bill in cash. And I just almost burst out laughing like, dude, you have no idea. I'm just as lame as everybody else here. But it was such a great thing. And I didn't really plan for it to be so great. But I just wanted to throw that out there. Because the thing I took away from that day was if you can ever change the rules of an event like that to your favor, do it. Yes. And sometimes you have to get a little crafty. And you got to be a little a little weird about it. And you got to kind of like call in a favor, pretend you're someone you're not.

1:22:13And I'm not advocating for being a total fraud. But in this case, it was innocent. And it was fine. And I still got what I needed. And I think I actually did a better job with some of the writers than some of the executives there. So everybody won. But the brilliant thing is, if you don't have to be the customer or the end user, if you can kind of be a few other things alongside, that's how you win. And if you ever find a conference that you want to go to, and you don't want to be just like every other schlub who paid 250 bucks for that drink ticket, but there are people you want to meet, maybe you offer to help them run the conference, you say, Hey, can I pitch in and you give me a ticket and I can hang out a lot of conferences are willing to do that.

1:22:47Anything you can do to just change up the standard rules to work in your favor is great. So just want to share that. This is like the professional version of setting up an online dating profile that's a woman just to see what kind of lines come in your DM inbox. Yes, exactly. It reminds me of when I first did that back in the 90s and that's how I started catching pedophiles. Perfect. So it was a slightly different outcome for me. Yeah. But yeah, anyway, hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in and everybody who listened. Thank you all so much. Don't forget to check out the episodes this week with Charles Duhigg, a lot of good feedback on that so far, and Miles Johnson on international arms and weapons trafficking and other assorted intrigue as well.

1:23:26The best things that have happened in my life and business have, of course, come through my network, speaking of which, the circle of people I know, like, and trust, yada, yada, sixminutenetworking.com. I think we've sort of hit this nicely hard. The course is free. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Dig the well before you get thirsty. Build relationships before you need them. Again, all free, sixminutenetworking.com. Oh, and if you haven't signed up for it yet, come check out our relaunch newsletter for the show. It's called Wee Bit Wiser. It's a bite-sized gem from a past episode from us to you delivered right to your inbox once a week.

1:23:54So if you want to keep up with the wisdom from our 900 plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts on the website at jordanharbinger.com. Advertisers, discounts, and ways to support the show at jordanharbinger.com slash deals. I'm at jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram or just hit me on LinkedIn and you can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Emilio Campo, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi.

1:24:29Our advice and opinions are our own and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Erin Hoskins. Her advice is general and informational in nature. Please seek independent legal representation before making any decisions. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with someone else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time.

1:24:59Ever find yourself trapped in a cycle of always wanting more and never feeling content? You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger Show where scarcity brain author Michael Easter unravels the mysteries of our primal drives and how they can be both our downfall and our salvation. I'm an investigative journalist, but I firmly believe that to understand a story, to understand all the mechanics of it, to get the information that you need to really tell a story, you have to go in person. Sometimes I get to go to the nice, shiny, comfortable labs where they bring me coffee and it's, you know, at Harvard or whatever.

1:25:28But some days you find yourself in Iraq in a prison looking at cells of drug dealers and terrorists. But ultimately, I think that going there makes you get a better story, makes a story more interesting and gets you better information to really understand it. Everyone knows that everything is fine in moderation. So then the question is, well, why do we all suck so bad at it? People keep eating when they're full. We often find ourselves shopping when we already own a ton of stuff. We scroll through social media or keep binging news when we know it's not necessarily improving our mental health. When you think about how humans evolved, everything we needed to survive in the past, it was all scarce and it was all hard to find.

1:26:05So everything from food to possessions to information, even influence and status. the number of people we could influence. All hard to find, all scarce. And we lived like that for basically two and a half million years. And it wasn't until very recently in the grand scheme of time that we started to get abundance of all these things that were sort of built to crave. So in the past, it always made sense to eat more food than you needed if you had the opportunity, to hoard items, to try and get as much information as you can, just keep seeking information. All that would give you a survival advantage.

1:26:37And then our environments split, And now we have an abundance of all this stuff, and we're still compelled to just consume and consume all this stuff. For more about our insatiable desires and how to harness them for good, tune in to episode 902. All right, remember, the machine knows if you're lying. First statement, Carvana will give you a real offer on your car all online. False. True, actually. You can sell your car in minutes. False? That's gotta be... True again. Carvana will pick up your car from your door, or you can drop it off at one of their car vending machines. Sounds too good to be true.

1:27:10So true. Finally caught on. Nice job. Honesty isn't just their policy. It's their entire model. Sell your car today, too. Carvana. Pickup fees may apply. This episode is sponsored in part by Conspirituality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling New Age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis. Basically, the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspirituality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

1:27:53An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspirituality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics. Find Conspirituality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts.