#1 Body Image Expert: How to Repair Your Relationship with Your Body & Food

15:16Mel Robbins:You're nodding like, of course you did, Mel.

15:19Dr. Rachel Goldman:I've heard this. Yeah, it's so common. Yeah, you are probably either home alone, feeling lonely, or you had a really tough day. And I hear this often from moms also, like, the kids are asleep. I'm finally able to have a moment to myself. And that moment becomes enjoying some kind of food, but we're not really enjoying it. We're mindlessly eating it. Like I joke sometimes I could give you cardboard, like halfway through eating it, I could swap it out and you probably wouldn't know. But the first time it started, it was for a reason, it served a purpose. And now what purpose is it serving? That's the question.

15:58Dr. Rachel Goldman:Is it bringing joy? Great. If it's bringing joy and you feel good and you feel in control, we don't have to change it. But if it's causing distress, if you're feeling bad about it, if you feel guilt or shame, that's a problem. And again, that comes back to the thoughts. So what I often say is it's not the behavior itself that matters. It's the thought that follows the behavior. So give me an example. So you eat your popcorn. Yes. Great. You're going to go into it like I got my popcorn. I'm going to sit down. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to feel good. The thought following eating, it's probably like, wow, that was really good.

16:32Dr. Rachel Goldman:Or you don't even think about it. Like it happened, you're done.

16:34Mel Robbins:Well, you know, if I'm being honest, because I'm now really clinging on every word, I love the taste of this. It's like super, super salty and amazing and local. I might have to get some later. But I don't need to eat the whole bag. Right. And I could easily treat myself to a handful and then be done. And the thought that always happens for me as there's about 11 kernels left in the bottom of the clear plastic bag is, why did I eat that whole thing? Like I wasn't even hungry.

17:10Dr. Rachel Goldman:Like I, like I could have just, like, why did I eat the whole thing? Right. And then what do you do with that thought usually?

17:17Mel Robbins:The next thing is, well, I'm a problem solver. So the next thing is, well, I'm not going to, I'm not going to do this tomorrow night. I'm going to be good tomorrow. I got to be good tomorrow. Right. Yes.

17:25Dr. Rachel Goldman:So the thought that followed the behavior. Yes. So it's not about the popcorn. The popcorn did nothing wrong, right? It's not about the popcorn. The thought that followed you eating the popcorn is where we can tell if this is problematic or not. So if you're beating yourself up or judging yourself? Then it's not worth it. Like, why eat the popcorn then? Or eat less of the popcorn, right?

17:47Mel Robbins:So what do you hear from people in your practice? What are some common things that people say to themselves so that the person who's with us can really start to realize how subtle but destructive this is? Yeah.

17:59Dr. Rachel Goldman:So very similar to what you said. It's kind of like, why did I eat the whole thing? What's wrong with me? I felt so out of control. I'm not going to do this again tomorrow. Beating themselves up, feeling guilty, feeling shame, or like, I'm never going to be able to do this. I failed. I'm never going to lose weight if that's their goal. What's wrong with me? So first of all, nothing's wrong with you. This is so common. Nothing is wrong with you. and the first step is awareness. So identifying that like, wow, this doesn't feel good. I actually beat myself up over it and then it impacts what I eat the next day, right?

18:37Dr. Rachel Goldman:And then it becomes that vicious cycle again. And then maybe you restrict, then maybe you overeat, then maybe you skip a meal, then maybe you binge. It keeps going until we can find, let's pause what's really happening right now.

18:52Mel Robbins:What do you think the biggest misconception people have about emotional eating? What is it?

18:56Dr. Rachel Goldman:I think one is that something's wrong with you if you participate in it, which again, so many people, like I would be shocked if there was somebody listening that was like, I don't know anything she's talking about. Like, I've never done that. I've done it. We've all done it. So I think that's probably the number one is that something is wrong with you if you do this. Nothing is wrong with you. It's about identifying that if this is a problem to you, if it doesn't feel good, what's going on? Like, why did I turn to this food at this time? So something I often tell people is if you find yourself in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets or opening and closing the refrigerator.

19:39Dr. Rachel Goldman:You mean like every night after dinner? Yes. Well, it's telling us we're searching for something specific. So what I would tell people to do is pause and say, what's going on right now? And then I would ask, did I just eat? When is the last time I ate? What did I eat? Sometimes you may have just had dinner, but it wasn't satisfying enough because you were restricting. So maybe you didn't add enough substance to your food to feel not just physiologically full, but like emotionally satisfied. And then you can also ask if you're like, no, I just ate, it was satisfying, this and that. Okay, what's going on?

20:19Dr. Rachel Goldman:Oh, did I? Oh, I had a really tough day at work. Oh, I'm feeling stressed. Oh, I had this stressful phone call. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And then to kind of dig deeper and be curious about yourself and what you're feeling right now.

20:32Mel Robbins:I want to make sure that you heard those three questions. So let me just repeat them back to you. So you're in the kitchen. You're opening up the drawers. You're looking for something. You hit the pause. Which is hard. Which is hard. Yes. But this is what you're teaching us. The first thing you ask yourself is, when's the last time I ate? Right. And then you ask yourself, was it satisfying? And then the third thing that you ask yourself is, what's going on right now? Exactly. And what am I actually looking for? Right. And that makes you go a little deeper because what is going on and what you're looking for is likely not in the fridge or the cabinets or the freezer.

21:14Mel Robbins:Exactly.

21:14Dr. Rachel Goldman:And if you're physiologically hungry, you wouldn't be opening and closing. You would open the refrigerator, see the bowl of fruit, you eat the fruit. Okay, wait. Right.

21:23Mel Robbins:So I just want to, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I'm starting to get this. Yeah. When you are truly hungry, meaning physiologically you need fuel. You're going to eat whatever's there. You're right.

21:36Dr. Rachel Goldman:I don't, I don't, I like open, grab, in mouth. Yeah. Like you're running out the door, but I know I need food. I'm just going to grab what I see and I'm going to go. you don't think too much about it. Yeah. So that's a big way to differentiate it. So also physiological hunger comes on more gradually. Like, oh, it's almost lunchtime. Oh, I can wait 10 more minutes to eat. Emotional hunger is like, I am hungry and I need something right now to satisfy me. But I may mistake it for actual hunger. Exactly.

22:05Mel Robbins:Okay. So one of the big differences that you see as a psychologist between physical hunger and emotional hunger is that physical hunger comes on more gradually. Right. Whereas emotional is like, I need it now.

22:18Dr. Rachel Goldman:Like right now. Like I just had a really stressful call and oh my God, I'm craving something. And it's usually high fat, sweets, comfort foods. Okay. Again, as opposed to, oh, lunch is soon. No big deal. I can wait 15 minutes. It's so true. Big difference.

22:34Mel Robbins:It's so true. Yeah. Yeah. How does stress affect how, when, and what you eat?

22:43Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah. So back to the mind-body connection, right? Stress, if we think about stress, it's our body's natural way of responding to some kind of threat or something that seems threatening to us. So now stress though, I'm sure people have heard of the fight or flight response. That is the way that our body, what our body does in response to stress. So we can all like relate to it, you know, maybe sweaty palms, maybe our mind racing, our heart beating really fast. Again, mind-body connection. I think something is stressful. I'm interpreting it as stressful. My body is going to automatically go into this auto drive and help me get through this really stressful time.

23:26Dr. Rachel Goldman:now when that happens the stress hormone cortisol among other ones is released when we're really stressed in the moment a lot of times our appetite is suppressed okay for some people it's the complete opposite right but like right when it happens the appetite's suppressed and we're like oh i can get through the day i don't need to eat i'm forgetting to eat because i'm so busy i'm stressed but then when it kind of dies off and it starts like us returning to a homeostasis back to our baseline, it could be like, oh my God, I'm so hungry. Right? So that's why when people go through really stressful times, you hear people either say like, oh my God, I ate so much.

24:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:I can't stop eating emotional eating. Right. Or like, oh my God, I forgot to eat. That makes a lot of sense. It can go either way.

24:09Mel Robbins:So what are three ways to address emotions and stress when your default mode is to start emotional eating?

24:18Dr. Rachel Goldman:So back to the pause. Okay. Right. So because of this conversation, Hopefully people are a little bit more aware. And then we can say pause and let's check in with ourself. What is going on right now? Let's also not forget to be kind to ourselves, right? Like we all participate in this. We all get stress. Life happens. So let's just remind ourselves that this is okay. And then what can I do about it? And I always love talking about what I call your coping toolbox. Great. Like let's pull from that coping toolbox. Give me a tool. Yes. One is something internal. You don't need anybody else for it.

24:57Dr. Rachel Goldman:You don't need anything else for it. That's like the breathing exercise. Could also be a different type of relaxation exercise, like imagery or meditation, things like that. Then at least two others. And the reason I want more than one is because if my go-to coping tool was to go on a run, for instance, I can't just leave right here and go running in the middle of a stressful moment. So we need to have a few options because not only is not all of the coping tools always readily available to us, but they may also not work for every stressful situation.

25:30Mel Robbins:Okay, so the first tool is we have the breathing exercise. In through the nose, blow out the straw, the belly breathing, we got that. Yes. The three of those. Yes. Okay, what's the next one?

25:41Dr. Rachel Goldman:So I don't like to tell you what should be in your toolbox. Okay. Because if you're not a runner, that's not gonna be helpful to you. I'm definitely not gonna. for running. There's no question. I would.

25:50Mel Robbins:No, definitely not.

25:51Dr. Rachel Goldman:So it's not going to be helpful for me to tell you to put running in your toolbox. That's true. Right? So we have to take a moment and think, okay, when I am stressed, what do I see myself actually doing? Taking a walk. Okay. A 10-minute walk. Yes. Great reset for me. And I love that you said that because my running slash my walking is that. It's getting outside, getting fresh air, moving my body. What's another the one we could add in your toolbox.

26:16Mel Robbins:So I don't emotionally eat? Yeah. I put a lock on the fridge? I don't know. Like, how do I, what do I do?

26:21Dr. Rachel Goldman:Okay, the key is escape. Like, get out of the kitchen. Got it. So what's, like, maybe get into a book, right? What is a good distraction that's not eating, unless you're physiologically hungry, that's going to get you out of the kitchen for a few minutes? Because usually it's about 10 minutes. Do something else for 10 minutes. and what I tell people is if you really are still thinking about the food, go for it. There's nothing wrong with eating the popcorn or the ice cream or the chocolate, but it's how you eat it. Taking the pause and mindfully eating your popcorn and enjoying it is very different than I'm stressed and I'm just going to eat and watch TV, right?

27:01Dr. Rachel Goldman:It's so different. It's about how you eat it. And if you take the 10-minute walk, come back and you're like, I really want my popcorn, you're probably going to eat the popcorn slower. I might pour it into a cup. Exactly. Instead of just sticking my hands in the bag. Right. You're going to enjoy it. And you're probably not, I can't guarantee, but you're probably not going to beat yourself up over it afterwards because it wasn't an automatic impulsive act. You broke the automatic right there.

27:29Mel Robbins:So this is like a 10-minute rule for emotional eating. If you can give yourself a 10-minute buffer. To be honest, it could be less. Maybe less for people that are a little stronger than Mel Robbins. like it could be less, but like if I, I can see how this would work though. Because some of the things that you've already taught us is that emotional eating, you're reacting, you need it now. It's often mindless. And then there's the cycle where you beat yourself up. But if I can either take a couple deep breaths or go out for a walk or walk away and come back in 10 minutes, now I'm responding intentionally.

28:01Mel Robbins:Right.

28:02Dr. Rachel Goldman:You're telling yourself like, I want this and that's okay. Yes. I do it all the time. Like all my clients know I have ice cream almost every night. You do? I do. Wow. Almost every night. Okay. What flavor? I love it. Depends on what we have in the house that night. But I love it. And I know that I'm going to eat it and I'm going to enjoy it. And it's amazing. And I don't care. It is like the thought doesn't come up that I'm beating myself up over it.

28:27Mel Robbins:Because you're choosing to do it because you like it versus mindlessly standing there because you had a terrible day at work.

28:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yes. I also wait to have it until the kids are asleep. I can enjoy it without chaos, you know, because again, it could be the TV, it could be something. We're like, oh my God, did I even eat that? I didn't enjoy it. Let me go get more. But if we can sit down and enjoy it and eat it slowly, it's like giving your body what it needs at that time and that's okay.

28:55Mel Robbins:So emotional eating, when you struggle with it, I think a lot of us make the mistake of thinking it's about willpower. It's not at all.

29:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:What is this about? It's about tuning inward and actually taking that pause. And emotional eating is, I like to actually relate it to children. When a child has a tantrum, that's their impulsive reaction. Yep. They, I mean, most of us might say we need a timeout, right, for a kid. What's a timeout really, Doe? It's the pause. That's all it is. So we need an adult timeout. Look, kids are reacting out of their emotion. We are also reacting out of our emotion, but just in different ways.

29:39Mel Robbins:I want to pivot a little bit and now go a layer deeper. And let's talk about disordered eating. As a psychologist, how would you describe what is disordered eating and how is it different than just emotional eating?

29:54Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah. So there's disordered eating, disordered eating behaviors, disordered eating thoughts. Okay. And then there's eating disorders. What's the difference? Two different categories. Yeah. So eating disorders are things like anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, which are disorders in the DSM, which is the Diagnostic Statistical Manual, which is, we joke, it's our Bible in psychology. Okay. So they have a specific set of criteria that you have to meet in order to be diagnosed with this disorder. Okay. Disordered eating, I think, is much more common. And I think most people struggle with some sort of disordered eating, disordered eating thoughts, disordered eating behaviors, or their relationship with food.

30:37Dr. Rachel Goldman:Okay. That could be things like emotional eating. It's not in the DSM as a full diagnosed eating disorder. Okay. It could also be grazing. So grazing behaviors is like just picking on food all day. It's different than like three meals and two little snacks. That's very different. That's planned. And raising is like, I'm going to get up and have a little bit of this. A few minutes later, I get up a little bit of that. That's a little disordered. It's not the way that we, quote, should be eating regularly throughout the day, right? Also, restrictive eating, not necessarily meeting criteria for anorexia, let's say, could be disordered, right?

31:17Dr. Rachel Goldman:Like if somebody skips meals often, then that can become problematic because it might lead to overeating or binge eating later. Gotcha. Okay. There's a lot of disordered eating around food, thoughts, behaviors that, again, I think is much more common than we think. What are some examples of disordered thoughts about eating? So one of them would be labeling foods good and bad, right? I actually really like to help people get away from that. Okay. Food is food. Yes. Some have more nutrients than others. Some are going to satisfy us differently than others. But there is nothing wrong with this food versus this food.

31:58Dr. Rachel Goldman:All or nothing thinking related to food, I tend to say is that's kind of a dieter's mentality. It's like, I eat a cookie, I might as well eat the whole box. I'm bad now because I eat the cookie, right? You're not bad because you eat the cookie. You want to the cookie, you eat the cookie. So we have to actually get away from that all or nothing thinking and introduce more of a flexible thinking or flexible mindset.

32:21Mel Robbins:I would love to kind of take some of the big ones that you mentioned and go kind of line by line. And I'm interested in this because I definitely see this as a pattern in myself in terms of the emotional eating. Both of our daughters have struggled with this and are very open about it. And I think this is incredibly common. So let's start with restricting. What are the three biggest warning signs that you're crossing a line that you think it's important that we're aware of?

32:55Dr. Rachel Goldman:So the first one I would say is preoccupation with eating food, body shape, or size.

33:02Mel Robbins:What do you mean?

33:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:Being consumed too much in terms of your thoughts and your feelings related to food, body shape, or size. Like preoccupation with that. It is consuming your day. Okay. Right? So like you wake up and it's the first thing you think about, right? You're looking in the mirror a lot, things like that. Like very much consuming your brain and your diet. It's taking over your diet is the first thing I would be like, wait a minute, what's going on here?

33:29Mel Robbins:And so if you're somebody who all day long you pass a mirror and you're like, I hate how I look. I'm fat. This. You're noticing how your pants are like tight. You're this. You see how everybody else is smaller than you. And that's what you're talking about? Yes, exactly. Okay, so that's warning sign number one.

33:45Dr. Rachel Goldman:rigid rules around food. Like I can only eat at this time. You know, I often hear this like, well, it's not 10 o 'clock in the morning. I can't eat until 10 o 'clock or, you know, I have to eat this way or I can only eat organic or gluten-free, things like that. Like very rigid rules. Again, getting away from that all or nothing thinking, we're now thinking more all or nothing. Yep. Right? Like I have to eat this way. I can't go out to eat. Right? Things like that. which brings me to the third one is it starts impacting your daily functioning. It's causing you distress and maybe you're now isolating.

34:20Dr. Rachel Goldman:Maybe you're late to work because of it. Maybe you're skipping meetings that have food involved, things like that. I would say those are the three things I would first be on the lookout for. And if anybody listening is struggling with any of that, I think just let this be a sign that there's nothing wrong with you, but maybe it's time to seek professional help or speak to somebody. Aren't a lot of people scared to seek help because you don't want to gain weight?

34:46Mel Robbins:Right. Or you feel like you can't get control of this and there's a lot of shame in it.

34:51Dr. Rachel Goldman:And I'm saying this from hearing the thousands of clients that I've worked with, that people are afraid to seek help because they are afraid of gaining weight. And what does that mean? And what people often miss is that eating regularly throughout the day doesn't mean you're going to gain weight. You might gain energy. You might gain nourishment. You might gain clarity. And it comes down to trust though. And trusting that your body knows what it needs and to give back that trust. Because I think the diet world, diets, have told us not to trust our bodies, have told us that you can't eat at this time or you can't eat this.

35:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:And a lot of people have now lost trust in their own bodies. and we have to take that step back and be kind to ourselves and be like, okay, maybe this is what I need, right? Our bodies are always communicating to us. Again, back to the mind-body connection. Our bodies are always sending us signals, but we live in a go, go, go world that we just ignore them or we miss them. So for somebody that's struggling to lose weight, I think the knee-jerk

36:03Mel Robbins:assumption is, okay, I got to get a trainer. I got to get a nutritionist. As a psychologist, what's the piece that's missing that you may not have considered in terms of resetting your health and feeling more in control?

36:18Dr. Rachel Goldman:So getting a trainer or a nutritionist are great. And I think a big part of it is people just assume they have to eat less. And that's not the answer. It's not? No. Oftentimes eating less, restricting, for instance, then leads to overeating later. Oh. And when you end up eating under what your body needs, it ends up holding on to its fat cells. It's like in survival mode back to now. It's all related back to the stress response. Your body is going to hold on to whatever it has because you're starving it. So it's not going to lose weight. It's actually in survival mode.

36:56Mel Robbins:So are you saying as a psychologist that you've had patients come in who are struggling with losing weight and they are overweight and they are very unhappy and that the stress and the restricting of calories is actually keeping them overweight? It could be. Okay. I mean, there's the biology. It's part of the piece of it? Absolutely.

37:20Dr. Rachel Goldman:Wow. Yes. Oftentimes people say, I don't understand why I can't lose weight. I don't eat or I don't eat it. You know, I barely eat, but that's actually the problem or part of the problem. And why is that part of the problem? Because if you're not eating, it could be leading to later, you're so hungry that you eat the first thing you see, kind of emotional eating, impulsive reactive, or you overeat. And then the stress response and the cortisol is then keeping you in this survival mode because I have to survive.

37:51Mel Robbins:What do you do when you are concerned about somebody in your life because you are seeing the restrictive behavior or you are seeing the thoughts that are disordered and very judgmental? What do you do if this is somebody you deeply care about?

38:08Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah. So I think it depends on the relationship you have with them. But the first thing you could do is talk to them about it, but not about it. How do you do that? Like ask, like, how have you been lately? I've noticed you're, maybe they have lower energy or maybe they're missing meetings or missing appointments or canceling on you. Like find something like that and make it, like use I statements though. Like I'm concerned about you. I noticed. So taking that judgment away, taking the assumptions away. I noticed you've been missing meetings or you've been canceling on our dinner parties, whatever it is.

38:46Dr. Rachel Goldman:Like, I'm concerned. Is everything okay? Open-ended questions and I statements. Okay. But if you're going to ask a question, be prepared to listen. Most people listen, but don't really hear, right? So like really genuinely listen to what they have to say and be open-minded. What if you get just like nothing? So you could then let it go for now and you could try again at another time, but it also depends on the circumstance. So like you don't want to bring up a sensitive topic like this when you're in a crowded place, when you or the other person are already emotional, right? Like you want a neutral place.

39:26Dr. Rachel Goldman:Ideally, I would actually say like on a walk, right? Like as you're moving your bodies, it's easier to come up and share emotional things. But you could, again, just kind of check in on somebody. And if you needed to, you could be, you know, I've noticed whenever we go out, you're just picking on your food. Like, you know, is everything okay? Right? You don't want to assume there could be a medical situation going on also, right? We don't want to assume that what's going on is an eating disorder necessarily.

39:54Mel Robbins:Wow. If you're anything like me right now, you're probably already thinking about someone you love who really needs to hear everything that Dr. Goldman is sharing. Maybe it's your friend who's constantly on and off a diet. Maybe it's your mom who you would love it if she could make peace with food and with her body. Or maybe it's your adult daughter who's quietly struggling, second-guessing everything they eat, criticizing how they look. I mean, you've done everything you can to try and help. Dr. Rachel Goldman might just be the exact person she will listen to. So thank you for sharing this. Thank you for trusting yourself.

40:34Mel Robbins:Thank you for giving this resource to people that you care about. While Dr. Goldman and I take a quick break, thank you for sharing it with the people that you care about while you listen to these amazing sponsors and don't go anywhere. There's so much more we're going to dig into when we return, so stay with me.

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44:06Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your buddy, Mel Robbins. Today, the amazing Dr. Goldman is here to remind you that you can rebuild trust with your body and change your relationship with food. So Dr. Goldman, let's keep going. You know, one thing I wanted to ask is as a psychologist, what do you believe the line is between being health conscious, whether it's like counting macros, exercising, avoiding processed food, like all that stuff versus slipping into disordered behavior. What's the line there?

44:38Dr. Rachel Goldman:So, you know, there's actually a term, orthorexia, O-R-T-H-O-R-E-X-I-A. Okay. Orthorexia. Okay. It was actually first introduced in 1996. Okay. We've only started hearing about it in media in the past 10-ish, 15 years. And I think it has almost skyrocketed because of the things we're talking about. So what orthorexia is, is when something healthy becomes an obsession, but related to food and eating and body shape size. So with all the gluten sensitivities and the allergies or somebody wanting to go organic, sounds like, oh, that could be healthy for you. Sure. Yes. You want to be a little more health conscious?

45:23Dr. Rachel Goldman:Sure. Go for it. Right. But now it becomes an obsession. And now it becomes this rigid thinking and rigid lifestyle. Right. And I think the reason that we're seeing more of this is because of social media. I've said that before. I will say it again. The comparison, the what I ate in a day, like really, did you really just only eat that today? Right. All of that. Or somebody decided to go gluten-free and now you're looking at their body and you're looking at their skin and they're like, well, like it worked for them. It must work for me. I'll do it. Right. But nobody should be going gluten-free unless they have a legit gluten sensitivity and spoke to a doctor about it.

46:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:Why? Well, we all need the same reason like we shouldn't be cutting carbs completely. We all need all of these nutrients and all of these food categories in order to have a balanced diet. Can you limit a little? Can you minimize a little? Sure. We all can. Should we have more protein than carbs? Of course we should. But in completely eliminating any one food group, I think it's a sign that you have too rigid thinking related to your food.

46:31Mel Robbins:Unless you've had a doctor say that there's a sensitivity. So for you as a psychologist, when you talk about orthorexia and how this disordered eating has skyrocketed in the last decade. What is the line between very positive healthy changes, being conscientious, planning, you know, like really being careful about what you eat, but still allowing yourself to enjoy yourself versus it slipping into something like orthorexia?

47:06Dr. Rachel Goldman:Well, you just described it. Being able to enjoy yourself. It's about the mindset. Am I nourishing my body and finding joy and it feels good? Or am I rigid and restricting because I feel like I have to? Like, I can't eat this is very different than, I don't want to eat this because I'm choosing to not have a glass of wine with dinner because I really want the dessert later. Like, that's a healthy balance, let's say, right? Versus I can't have this because I ate it yesterday. or I can't have this because I'm going to feel like I'm gaining weight or I feel a certain way afterwards, right? Again, the thought that follows the behavior, but what's the purpose?

47:46Dr. Rachel Goldman:Am I eating because we're at lunch and we're enjoying food or am I not eating because I'm restricting and have rigid thinking about food?

47:56Mel Robbins:Got it. Got it. So it does come back to the thing you've said at the very beginning, the thought, the emotion, the behavior.

48:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:Absolutely.

48:04Mel Robbins:Because one of the things that I care deeply about is that people do feel better in their lives, that they do prioritize their health. And there's a lot of incredible content out there. I particularly love the stuff that is now educating women around resistance training and eating breakfast and getting protein. And for so long, the message was the opposite, that you're going to get big if you go to the gym. You're going to get big if you eat three solid meals a day. And what I'm also recognizing as we're talking is all of those harmful messages around restricting create real hunger and it screws up your body in terms of your metabolism and your body's designed to be fueled consistently and in a certain way.

48:53Mel Robbins:That's how it works. And when you stop putting fuel in the tank, the car doesn't drive the way it's supposed to. And then when you overfill it, like, so it makes a lot of sense. But I think so many of us have been conditioned by the media, by examples around us, by culture, that we're supposed to look a certain way. And when we don't, we torture ourselves. Right.

49:19Dr. Rachel Goldman:Right. Like something's wrong with you. Yes. Or like you don't have willpower. Yes. Like, oh my gosh, I had breakfast. What's wrong with me? Like, no, you need to eat. You need to have breakfast.

49:29Mel Robbins:What would be the warning sign for you that you've gone from somebody who's doing like really good health conscious things to take care of yourself? What are the warning signs that this is now slipping into orthorexia?

49:43Dr. Rachel Goldman:So one of the key criterias of any diagnosable disorder, which orthorexia is not in the DSM. Do you think it should be? Yes. Yes. So it falls under the category of other specified eating disorders, which it's like a catch-off for anything that kind of like doesn't meet full criteria yet. Okay. So, but because it's not there yet, I still believe this. Anything that is causing you distress, it's now crossed over. If it is impacting in your daily functioning or it is causing you distress, it is probably crossed over. And by distress, what do you mean? So for instance, we'll use the example of somebody going to the gym every day and all of a sudden they have to miss a day because of a work event.

50:32Dr. Rachel Goldman:And all day they're like, oh my God, I miss the gym. I miss the gym. Like it becomes an obsessive thought. Yes. Like, oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? And like you can't get out of that cycle. Gotcha. Right? Or you like isolate yourself, right? Like I'm not going to go to this meeting. I'm not going to go to this birthday dinner because I can't eat what's there. or I'm nervous about what is going to be eating there. What about weighing your food? Right. So yes, also weighing your food, weighing yourself too much, right? So I think there's a happy medium and I don't think there's an answer in terms of how often you should for any of this.

51:05Dr. Rachel Goldman:I think weighing your food once, every once in a while to like get an idea of, oh, what really is six ounces of this could be helpful. But now you know, you don't need to do it again, right? Same with your weight. Like you weighed yourself once today or even once this week, you don't need to weigh yourself five minutes later, 10 minutes later, after you eat, today, tomorrow, every day. So it's all about, you know, it's so tricky because there's the gray area.

51:29Mel Robbins:Right. But I think it's important to talk about, and here's why. It happens quickly. Yes. That somebody slides through the gray area into something that is now way more dangerous. Right. And you want to, I think, catch it in yourself or catch it in the people that you love before you're now talking about an inpatient or outpatient program. Absolutely.

51:54Dr. Rachel Goldman:And one thing we can all do to help minimize this, not just within ourselves, but with others, is not comment on body shape and size or what people are eating. Like right there, you gave the example before, like, oh, you look so good, you've lost weight. Well, we don't know what they're doing to lose weight. Like, did they restrict? Are they purging?

52:13Mel Robbins:We don't know what they're doing.

52:15Dr. Rachel Goldman:But what we did was we just reinforced that behavior. Whatever you're doing, silently we're saying, keep doing it.

52:21Mel Robbins:So in other words, compliment people on something other than what their body looks like and what their appearance looks like. Right. Like, I love your glasses. Well, thank you. I love your maroon suit. Thank you so much. I almost said it looks fantastic on you, but now I'm like, I can't do that. No, you can say that. That's different. Because it's about the suit. It's not you. Right. What do you do at family dinner if you've got somebody in your family that has an issue? So it depends where they are on this. Like, is it an open? Let's take it in, like, if it's, like, it's start, like, in the beginning.

52:55Mel Robbins:Like you haven't spoken about it yet. Talk to us through the three phases.

52:57Dr. Rachel Goldman:Right. So you haven't spoken about it yet. It's not like a known thing that's an issue. Okay. But you think it might be an issue. Yes. You want to model good, healthy eating behaviors and things around food and eating. Okay. So like for instance, I would, if it was me, I'd be like, wow, this is so good. Whatever it is I'm eating. Wow, you want to try it? You want to have some of mine? You want to share? So just kind of like encourage and open the door for like, wow, this is good. Or wow, I feel so good when I eat this. Oh, I was, you know, I really felt like I needed something to nourish my body.

53:31Dr. Rachel Goldman:So make it a little bit about you, but they're listening. Okay. Right. Also, depending on the age of the child, because it depends on that too, you could offer more options, right? Like, oh, you don't want to eat that. Can I make this for you? Right. So kind of offer more options. You can also include them in the kitchen. This is a fun way to get younger kids or any age a little bit more involved, right? Oh, you know what? You didn't like what I made for dinner last night. Let's go to the supermarket together. Let's find something that's going to be really good for you, right? Or that's going to make you feel good.

54:03Dr. Rachel Goldman:I also think when kids are picky, because we hear this a lot now, picky eaters, if they're eating something, just go with it for now. Okay.

54:12Mel Robbins:What if the person at the table

54:14Dr. Rachel Goldman:is overeating, emotional eating? So it's funny because I tend to look at all of this through a different lens now that I'm a mom. Yes.

54:22Mel Robbins:Because the tendency to be like, are you sure you want to say an helping? Right. You really need dessert? Like you say these things, you don't mean to say these things you're trying to say?

54:30Dr. Rachel Goldman:So we have to pause and think, would I want someone to say that to me? No, I wouldn't. Right? Yeah. So what I say to my son, for instance, is let's just pause. Let's check in. So he'll also have his little ice cream every night. Before he finishes the first cup, he's ready for the second cup. He's like, all right, mom, I'm ready for seconds. And I'm like, let's just pause. Let's just take a few minutes. So it actually takes time for our brain and our stomach, again, mind-body connection, to connect, to send the signal that we're full. So when we're mindlessly eating and we get up for seconds and we overeat, oftentimes, not everyone, but oftentimes it's like, oh, oh my God, I eat so much.

55:10Dr. Rachel Goldman:But you were so hungry in the moment, but it's because you didn't give time for your body to enjoy the food, react, and be like, I think I'm full. I think I'm good. How much time does it take? About 20 minutes. people say, but like 10 to 20 minutes, let's say.

55:25Mel Robbins:Do you have a recommendation for how much we should be chewing our food to slow ourselves down?

55:29Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yes. Oh, I love that question because I do. So I always recommend if this was your utensil, you take a bite. This is hard to do, I have to admit. You take a bite, you put it down, you don't touch it. Chew, chew, chew your food until there's nothing left in your mouth. Like chew it. Like there's nothing left. Like chew it, not like. I don't even know if I've ever done that. Wait, you chew it till it's gone? Yes.

55:55Mel Robbins:Does it just slide down the back as you're chewing?

55:57Dr. Rachel Goldman:I've always chewed it to swallow it. I know. Chew it until because of liquid? Kind of. I mean, but chew it, chew it, chew it. Imagine a raisin. How long does it take you to eat dinner? I'm usually the slowest because I do this, but you can enjoy your food and then you're like, oh, I kind of am a little hungry still, or you know what? I think I'm good. One more bite or whatever it is. So you're allowing your body to digest the food and actually feel that. That would completely change. Yeah. How I eat. I'm going to try that at lunch today. I can predict what's going to happen. What is going to happen?

56:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:You're going to eat less and feel satisfied sooner and realize, wow, I could save the rest for later. Or I don't need to finish it all. I'm feeling okay right now. Or let me wait a few minutes and then I'll see if I want another bite. And you're going to enjoy the food. So there's actually, with mindful eating, there's an exercise called the raisin exercise. It's quite amazing. You take one raisin or one almond or one piece of chocolate and you go through this whole exercise, but you put in your mouth, you don't chew it yet. You just put in your mouth, you enjoy like what it feels like, the texture, and then you chew it.

57:10Dr. Rachel Goldman:And I joke that like you just enjoyed a raisin as opposed to like most of us just a box of raisins and you swallow. So you will enjoy food and the flavor in a whole different way if you actually mindfully eat and slow down. I love that as a tool.

57:28Mel Robbins:What did you call that thing? The raisin? It's the raisin exercise. So the raisin exercise is a way to mindfully eat?

57:36Dr. Rachel Goldman:It's like an exercise to teach yourself how to participate in mindful eating.

57:41Mel Robbins:Well, I could see how simply doing the fork rule of putting down the fork and chewing your food until it's liquid. I don't even know how to do it. I'm going to try that at lunch today. Yeah. And doing the raisin exercise of just eating one raisin at a time would completely change your relationship to eating and to food. Well, for you, it's with popcorn. Let's try that tonight. Wow. Okay. I will. I am learning so much for you. I wish I knew this decades ago. I'm sure you're thinking the same thing. And here's what I want to do. I want to take a quick second. I'd love for our sponsors to be able to share a few words with you because they allow us to bring world-renowned experts like Dr.

58:20Mel Robbins:Goldman to you. And if what Dr. Goldman is sharing has been resonating with you, I guarantee you it's gonna resonate with people that you care about too. Your sister, your partner, maybe a parent, or maybe this is something you can share to somebody that you're dating or a friend of yours to help explain what you're going through. So take a moment to share this while we give our sponsors a minute, and we'll be right back. And you don't wanna miss what we're gonna be talking about next, So stay with us.

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1:00:50Mel Robbins:Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins. And where are we going next? This is where it all starts to click. Now that we've unpacked the emotional side of eating, the guilt, the stress, the shame, it's time to talk about the cycle so many of us are stuck in with NYU's Dr. Rachel Goldman. Let's talk about the binge restricting cycle and how those things can be related because for a lot of our listeners, restriction can be the beginning, but it then escalates into what you've been talking about, which is binging and purging or just overeating and then getting mad at yourself and then restricting.

1:01:30Mel Robbins:So why don't you unpack that for us? What causes the restrict then binge cycle and how can you break it?

1:01:36Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah, so it could have started for many different reasons, right? The restricting. It could be a comment that you heard. It could be you looking in the mirror that day and feel like you look a certain way and like, oh, now I can't eat. That misconception of let's just eat less, right? Not the answer. So it could start that way. And then you go hours without eating. And then you realize, wow, I'm hungry. But now it's impulsive. It's reactive. It's emotional. You might overeat because you're so hungry. You can't get in fast enough almost. And then like, oh my gosh, I just overate. oh, I have to skip my meal or I'm going to purge.

1:02:14Dr. Rachel Goldman:So it becomes this vicious cycle and we have to break the cycle somewhere. And it's hard. How do you do it? Yeah, it's hard. You actually have to eat. If you're binging, you have to eat? Not then. But for instance, let's give an example of somebody binged in the evening. This is common. People will participate in night eating, right? Which there's night eating syndrome or night eating disorder, which is that you're consuming most of your calories, say, in the later evening hours after dinner. And or you're waking up in the middle of the night and eating, but aware of it.

1:02:50Mel Robbins:Okay.

1:02:51Dr. Rachel Goldman:Because that's different from there's a sleep disorder that's also related to eating.

1:02:54Mel Robbins:Okay.

1:02:55Dr. Rachel Goldman:So a lot of people that overeat or binge eat, it happens in the later evening. Why? You're busy all day. You're working. You're skipping meals. You're not really realizing you're hungry. And now all of a sudden your body is relaxing. You have that space and you're listening to your body. You're like, oh my God, I'm hungry. Right. And, or there's the shame that some people have. So you're doing it a secret. Some people, yes. Correct. So say you binge eat in the evening or overeat and there is a difference. What's the difference between binging and overeating? Yeah. So overeating, I like to use the example of it's Thanksgiving.

1:03:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:It's a holiday meal. We really enjoy the food that's there. You want seconds, you overeat a little. That's okay. Right? We've all done it. Like at your favorite restaurant, you're like, oh, it's so good. I want to eat more. That's overeating. Happens every once in a while. You're not beating yourself up over it. Not a big deal. It happens occasionally. Binge eating has that shame and guilt tied to it. Right? So you are overeating in a way that is also feels uncontrollable. So the binge eating piece is there's a loss of control. Got it. Okay. So let's go back to now you're binging in the evening.

1:04:10Dr. Rachel Goldman:Now you're going to wake up actually not hungry, most likely, right? You are still full. Your body did not have time to digest. I know I said before, like 20-ish minutes to make the connection, but you just ate. You're laying down. It doesn't feel good. You might have reflux. You might feel bloated, all those yucky feelings that you might have. But then you wake up feeling that away and you're like, oh, I can't eat. I'm not hungry. Or I can't eat because I just ate so much last night. I need to restrict, right? The key is to actually eat something. It doesn't have to be a lot. It could be something small, but start that, break that cycle right now.

1:04:46Dr. Rachel Goldman:Get rid of the restricting. So it could be a few bites of something. It could even be like, if you really feel like you can't put something in, it could be like a few sips of a smoothie or a protein shake. Okay. But something.

1:04:56Mel Robbins:What does that do if you, instead of restricting, you have just a little something instead?

1:05:02Dr. Rachel Goldman:So you're breaking that cycle. Okay. You're nourishing your body. And it's actually a form of self-care. Like eating is a form of self-care. We are taking time out of our day to nourish ourselves.

1:05:14Mel Robbins:And what I'm gathering is the more that you are in this cycle of, I was bad yesterday, so I got to be good. And good means restricting. The more you stay in that cycle, because then you're going to be bad again, because you were trying to be good by restricting. Absolutely, right. And so it's the restricting that is the direct cause of this cycle of then getting out of control. Right. That's fascinating.

1:05:39Dr. Rachel Goldman:Right, and the restricting makes us think about food all the time, which is like that term food noise that we keep hearing about. Yep. So restricting is now going to make your brain think about food all the time because it's what it wants. So you're thinking, when can I eat? When can I eat? What can I eat? What did I eat? Did I eat too little? Did I eat too much? And now it's consuming your day. So you're restricting the behavior of eating. But now your brain is like all food. It is all you're thinking about.

1:06:10Mel Robbins:That's so true. Yeah. That when you restrict, you actually expand the amount of thoughts that you have about food. Right.

1:06:19Dr. Rachel Goldman:All day. until you can get home tonight privately and say binge or overeat.

1:06:25Mel Robbins:You know, one way I see this play out, especially for women, is that we skip breakfast.

1:06:30Dr. Rachel Goldman:Right.

1:06:31Mel Robbins:And then we're chugging a coffee and then we exercise in an empty stomach and then we try to be good and then we end up like just the wheels come off at night. Right. Can you, as a psychologist who specializes in this, talk about how skipping breakfast can lead to emotional eating. Yeah. Yeah.

1:06:53Dr. Rachel Goldman:So first, coffee isn't breakfast, but I hear it all the time. So breakfast - Even if you put whole milk in it? It's not breakfast. Okay. Right? I mean, yes. Could it be filling? Of course. Sometimes. Is it okay? Of course. I always say it's what we do on most days. On most days, are you skipping breakfast? That could be a problem. Okay. Every once in a while, sure. No big deal. But how does skipping breakfast lead to emotional eating? So like the restricting, the skipping breakfast could lead to overeating later. But before we even get there, say you had a really stressful phone call or something stressful happened or you're just emotional for whatever reason it is.

1:07:32Dr. Rachel Goldman:And now you are craving, searching for that food. So you are more likely to not be able to pause and do the things we said. if you're also physiologically hungry on top of the emotional hunger.

1:07:47Mel Robbins:That's true.

1:07:48Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yes. So eating regularly throughout the day is going to kind of give you this baseline. So now when stress happens, it's like, all right, I can pause. But emotional hunger, physiological hunger, it's not impossible, but it is so hard because your body needs something and it's craving something on top of that. So the key is to eat regularly throughout the day. Nourish your body.

1:08:14Mel Robbins:So as a psychologist who specializes in the mind-body connection, what do you recommend that women should eat in the morning in particular?

1:08:24Dr. Rachel Goldman:So you might not like my answer, but it's what are you likely to eat? Let's go back to the basics. Okay. Right? I could tell you to eat eggs and avocado and whole wheat toast. And I mean, that sounds delicious to me right now. But if you're not going to eat that, it's the same thing as putting running in your toolbox. It is not going to help you. So we can just start with the basics. If you're like, the only thing I will eat is a muffin, eat your muffin, but know that an hour later, you might still be hungry because there was no protein, right? I'm not a dietician, but that is a fact.

1:09:00Mel Robbins:Well, why do you say protein? Like, what is it about having protein in the morning that helps you be in a healthier relationship with food?

1:09:08Dr. Rachel Goldman:So I think we should have protein with all of our meals. Okay. But some people say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. What do you think as a psychologist? Right. So it's the most important meal of the day in a way that it's setting you up for success for the day. It's not about the breakfast. It's about starting your day, participating in the self-care behavior of I'm gonna sit down, Take time out of my day to nourish my body. So you're setting up that positive cycle for yourself. They're all important. Food is important. So it doesn't matter if it's breakfast, lunch, dinner. I think they're all important.

1:09:45Mel Robbins:I get your point though about breakfast. Yeah. Because it's a lot like having a good morning routine. It sets you how you wake up is how the day ends up. Absolutely. And if you're running on an empty stomach and caffeine and you have a stressful day, your entire day is just going to get worse. Right. But if you take the conscious moment and that act of self-care and you have a breakfast and you're even saying, you know, not a nutritionist, but as a psychologist, having something that is more satiating that has protein in it, it just sets you up differently. Exactly. Because of the mind-body connection.

1:10:20Mel Robbins:And how does having something with protein or that's more satiating impact the mind-body connection?

1:10:27Dr. Rachel Goldman:So when you feel satisfied and you're not hungry, you're not thinking about food all the time, you're able to focus, you're able to concentrate, you're able to feel energy. Now, maybe you're going to have more energy in that workout class, right? You're going to be able to focus at work and you're not distracted by food, food, food, food here until it's like probably about time to have lunch.

1:10:52Mel Robbins:It's so true. I'm just sitting here thinking that we had this huge thing that we're doing this week here at work. And so a bunch of us were here working on something till like 1030 at night last night. The old me a decade ago would have just gone to bed, probably been stressed and not gone to bed till after midnight. I would have then woken up late and raced over here with a cup of coffee and just dove right into it. And instead I went to bed and I got up and exercised. I ate something before I exercise, that's a trick that I learned from another expert here. Amazing. And then I had a full breakfast, eggs, avocado, bacon, like the whole deal before I came here because I knew I had a huge day today at work and probably another late night.

1:11:37Mel Robbins:Right. And I feel different. I haven't thought about food since, and we've been talking for a long time, two hours. Yeah.

1:11:43Dr. Rachel Goldman:Because you ate this morning and nourished your body and brain with what it needed.

1:11:49Mel Robbins:Wow. Well, this is new, I think, for a lot of women because of just the social conditioning to skip breakfast, exercise on an empty stomach because the world is telling you you're supposed to be skinny. Right. I wish I had known this 40 years ago. Yeah.

1:12:07Dr. Rachel Goldman:And a lot of people are like, yay, I have willpower. I was able to get through the day without eating, but instead let's reverse that. Yay, I took the time for myself and I had breakfast. Yes. Yeah, I feel great. Yes.

1:12:21Mel Robbins:So one of the things that you've also specialized in is the treatment of obesity. And I would love to have you talk a little bit about the GLP-1s that are available now. And what is your take on how to be body positive and not shame yourself and use the tools like GLP-1 for weight loss?

1:12:43Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah, this is a hot topic. So I think a lot of people think if you're body positive, you can't be doing something to, quote, change your body, right? And I say quote because we're not really changing our body. Our bodies are what they are. But GLP-1s are medications that are indicated for two diseases, diabetes and or obesity. Those are medical conditions. They are diseases, and they are available to treat them. So you can be body positive and love your body and accept your body and know that you need a treatment to become healthier. It's about health. Yeah. We need to get away from this idea that it is a weight loss medication.

1:13:29Dr. Rachel Goldman:Like, I don't like that term for it. GLP-1s are not weight loss medications. They are anti-obesity, anti-diabetes medications or treatments available for these conditions. and if we stop calling them weight loss medications, I think we're also able to start breaking that stigma and shame that some people have for going on them. But you can be on this journey. I like to think of it as a journey. We are all on a journey of body acceptance because of the world we live in. We are on a journey of body acceptance. We can accept our body and know that there's things I can do that's going to help me become healthier.

1:14:05Dr. Rachel Goldman:One of them is like eating breakfast. Right. One of them can be taking or being on a GLP-1, right? Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that.

1:14:14Mel Robbins:Are they a good tool for emotional eating or disordered eating? Like how can they help somebody or do they help somebody if you're not dealing with the disease of obesity? Right. You're dealing with disordered eating, disordered thoughts, being in a cycle. Yeah.

1:14:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:So I think it depends on each individual. and their history with their relationship with eating, if they had an eating disorder, things like that. But GLP-1s work by limiting the amount of food that people eat. So they get full faster, but it also allows people like, so this term food noise becomes quieter. What does the term food noise mean? So food noise is the constant excessive, obsessive thoughts related to food and eating. So kind of like what we were talking about before, right? It's this constant chatter all day of what am I eating? What am I eating? Did I eat enough? What, you know, when's my next meal?

1:15:12Dr. Rachel Goldman:Some people have that all the time. Wow. That would blow. It's hard. Yeah. When people are on GLP ones for the most part, most of my clients say the food noise not completely gone, but it has quieted. That's amazing. It's like a volume being turned on. It's incredible. It absolutely is incredible. It allows space for other things. So when you ask the question about GLP-1s for emotional eating, I think, so GLP-1s can quiet the food noise, which helps control the emotional eating. It helps take back some of that control. But GLP-1s are not working on the mindset. It's working on the brain in a way in terms of the reward center because that's like decreasing those cravings.

1:15:53Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah. But it's not changing the mindset. It's not changing your habits. Is that why when people go off them, they gain the weight back? Well, for many reasons, yeah. I mean, GLP-1s, if it's a treatment for obesity, obesity is a recurring, complex, chronic disease that has to be treated and managed for the rest of your life. So if you have obesity and you're on the medication, you need to be doing something to be managing that obesity regardless. So if you come off the medicine, which most people probably won't, it's like hypertension medicine.

1:16:24Mel Robbins:Well, if they have the disease of obesity. Exactly. I've heard you say that GLP-1s are not a diet. What do you mean by that? Right.

1:16:31Dr. Rachel Goldman:So GLP-1s for people that have the disease of obesity are not a diet is a treatment option that is available for people with diabetes or obesity. Absolutely. It is a great tool. Like absolutely great. My clients, I think people have found hope that have lost hope because it really puts them on an even playing field. So if you choose to make healthy choices with your food and you choose to go to the gym, the person who was struggling with obesity maybe was doing the same thing, but their weight wasn't moving. Yeah, their body wasn't doing anything. It wasn't responding. Biologically, correct.

1:17:06Mel Robbins:Yes, which is why the GLP-1 works, because it's got a biological intervention for a disease that is affecting your biology. Exactly. But when do you, as a psychologist that has specialized in working with people struggling with the disease of obesity, when are you going, you're using a GLP-1 as a diet.

1:17:26Dr. Rachel Goldman:Right. So the person that wants to lose five or 10 pounds is going on the medication like pre-wedding, right? Like before a wedding, you go on some crash diet, you lose weight. To me, that's a diet. It's not sustainable. So it's short-lived. Maybe it's a Band-Aid. Maybe it's temporary for you, but it's not making lasting changes. So, and that's also why with GLP-1s, also the lifestyle changes are very important. The mindset work is very important. Working with a dietician and like somebody like myself, a psychologist or a behavioral health expert is very important to learn about what is healthy, how to nourish your body, and to also work on the mindset and those habits and those automatic behaviors we were talking about.

1:18:09Mel Robbins:You're the first person I've ever heard say that there's a lot of people using GLP-1s as a crash diet. Yeah. And it makes perfect sense because back in the day, people would starve themselves before a wedding to try to get into the dress. And then as soon as the wedding is over, your habits are back. And that's what you're seeing with people that are doing the mail order and microdosing this stuff. They lose some weight and then they get off it. And then it comes right back because to your point as a psychologist specializing this, it's just another crash diet. Exactly.

1:18:42Dr. Rachel Goldman:Yeah. Whoa. It's temporary for something. You're going to lose the weight. You're going to get off of it, but nothing really changed.

1:18:49Mel Robbins:Because you didn't change the habits related to the mind-body connection that are part of the eating cycle that's not working for your body. Right.

1:19:00Dr. Rachel Goldman:You don't work on the thoughts, right? That relationship with food and your body is still the same. You still are beating yourself up over eating breakfast, for instance. That didn't change. You just took something that made you eat less, so you lost weight. Wow.

1:19:17Mel Robbins:That makes so much sense. What are the do's and don'ts? If there's somebody in your life and you're worried about them, whether it's because they're carrying too much weight or you're starting to see some of the signs of disordered eating. Yeah.

1:19:33Dr. Rachel Goldman:So similar to what we were talking about before with children, we want to be mindful and very sensitive to this. It is a sensitive topic. We can't judge. We can't assume. So like I said that I'm curious as a provider. We want to be curious. We want to ask open-ended questions. We want to say I'm concerned, right? And try to gain that trust to open the door is the first thing. Okay. And validate their feelings. So many people gained weight during the pandemic, for instance. Let's normalize it. This is tough. And people gain weight during stressful times. So it's about how we present it. So language is powerful, not just the words we use, but also the way we present it, the tone.

1:20:18Dr. Rachel Goldman:Are we being curious and mindful and compassionate? Or are we accusing somebody of something? But I also want to say, don't be afraid to have the conversation if you're really concerned. Sometimes we have to have hard conversations and that's okay. But again, be prepared for it. Actually listen. maybe be ready with some advice, right? Or with some solutions to help provide solutions together. Don't come with the answers though. For instance, what I would do, I would almost have like some therapist's names and info in my pocket. Like, oh, actually I looked into this. Like, can I help you get a therapist?

1:20:55Dr. Rachel Goldman:I heard about this doctor. Can I help connect you? But they have to be ready.

1:21:01Mel Robbins:And I have a feeling that this conversation is gonna be one that a lot of people send to people in their life who they're concerned about. And so could you speak directly to a person who's listening that has been struggling with either their weight or they've recognizing that their relationship to food or the disordered thoughts or the cycle of purging and binging and good and bad and just beating themselves up. Can you talk to that person about what's possible? Yeah.

1:21:30Dr. Rachel Goldman:So I want to say it's not your fault and you're not alone. so many people struggle and it's okay, this awareness, this aha moment is going to make you pause and think, what can I do differently? And help is available. There are people out there, friends, supports, resources, doctors that want to help you, and it's not your fault.

1:21:58Mel Robbins:Is it really possible to rebuild trust in yourself and with your body after years or in a lot of cases, decades of shame and dieting and just feeling out

1:22:13Dr. Rachel Goldman:of control? It is. It is possible. But the key is not to think it's going to happen like a drastic change overnight. Nothing, like that's a diet, right? The big drastic change is a diet. It's the small steps. so I actually talk about this a lot in my book that it's tweaks I like to use the word tweak instead of change okay change is overwhelming nobody wants to change anything but we can all make a tweak so if we make small tweaks and actually start doing them they add up like I love it when my clients say to me like I feel like I didn't change anything but wow I'm sleeping better. I have more energy.

1:22:55Dr. Rachel Goldman:That's when we do it. If it is too hard, we aren't going to do it. So if I told you, I want you to start eating three meals a day today, two snacks, go to the gym, do this, do that. I already forgot the first one. I was just going to say, I lost, like, I already lost you.

1:23:08Mel Robbins:I know. So if the person makes one tweak today, out of everything that you have shared, what is the most important tweak that you want someone to make?

1:23:22Dr. Rachel Goldman:I want you to pause and give yourself credit for where you are and remind yourself that you aren't broken and nothing's wrong with you because if you're able to do that you're then going to be able to take the next step and be kind to yourself and know that you deserve help if you need help or you matter so many people put themselves on the back burner I don't matter it doesn't matter It's fine. It's fine. I have kids, whatever. But no, if you are not taking care of yourself, we can't show up to be the best us. So that pause and that reminder that you matter is everything.

1:23:58Mel Robbins:Well, what's also great about the pause being the one tweak you take is that it's where you have to start because your entire book, what you do with patients and have been doing for decades, the thing you began our conversation with is teaching yourself how to stop reacting emotionally to everything and to stop reacting to the destructive thoughts that you have. Right. And take a breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. And that little boundary between you and your emotions and you and the world and you and your stress is where you will find a different response. Right.

1:24:40Dr. Rachel Goldman:It all starts with that pause. Yeah.

1:24:42Mel Robbins:Dr. Rachel Goldman, what are your parting words?

1:24:47Dr. Rachel Goldman:It's scary when we feel like we lost control, but we can hit the reset button right here, right now. We don't have to wait till Monday. We don't have to wait for the new year. Right now. There's no reason to wait. We can all make a small tweak. We can all pause right now.

1:25:03Mel Robbins:Well, I just want to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for the work that you do. Thank you for being here with us in our Boston studios. Thank you for filling the toolbox with a lot of tools that we can reach for. And I know it's going to make a huge difference. So thank you.

1:25:18Dr. Rachel Goldman:Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, doing what you're doing and for allowing me to be here with you to share all of this.

1:25:25Mel Robbins:Oh, well, of course. I'm glad you came and I'm glad you came too. Thank you for making the time to listen to or watch this. And I know that this is going to be an incredible resource for people that you care about, that you maybe haven't been able to talk to, you don't know how to bring it up. Let Dr. Goldman talk to them. That's what this conversation could be for you. So thank you for listening. Thank you for learning. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. And as your friend, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

1:25:58Mel Robbins:And if you just take that one tweak of the pause, that one small change and making that a habit is going to help you create a better life because you're going to feel more in control of how you respond to it. Alrighty, I will see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

1:26:24Mel Robbins:All right, I love this. We're going to kill this. Okay. Yes. obesity and body image sorry lots of water in my mouth today here we go hold on sorry that was the chicken salad sorry about that and here i am burping in the middle of an eating episode okay well i look at my notes all the time i don't know why we think we should go through life without notes yeah okay you did dynamite walking out and like that was so

1:26:54Dr. Rachel Goldman:sweet. So amazing. But that was just like, I don't know, that was a moment.

1:27:06Mel Robbins:Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

1:27:41Mel Robbins:Sirius XM Podcasts.

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