2 Ways to Believe in Yourself & Achieve Cool Things

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:07I have been dying to talk to you. So let me back up and tell you what happened. A couple days ago, I saw something and ever since I have been bursting at the seams to tell you about it. I've been holding this in until I could get up here above the garage in Vermont, get on this microphone, get in front of the camera and share this with you. Because today, what I want to talk about, it's going to unlock this power that is lying dormant inside you. And yes, you heard me right. You do have power. Even if you're sitting there right now eating cheese curls on the couch, or you're feeling too lazy to get up and do anything today, or you're out there walking the dog, or maybe you're driving home from a job you hate.

0:51I don't care where you're listening to this. You have power. And I'm so excited because I saw something that motivated me, that lit a fire inside me, and it's going to help me show you how to tap into that power and yes, unlock it today. And you need to. But before we jump in, I just want to say, thank you. Thank you for being here with me. And thank you for spending your time listening or watching something that can change your life. All right. Are you ready? Okay, good. Because you and I are cooking up something pretty hot today. And the topic is something that I knew the second I saw this thing go viral this weekend.

1:34So you and I were in the middle of award seasons, right? For movies and for films. And I saw the most incredible acceptance speech. It went crazy viral. You maybe saw it too. It was this acceptance speech that was delivered by actor Nisi Nash Betts. Now, if you don't know Nisi, don't worry, I'm going to tell you a little bit about her. She is an amazing actor. She's 53 years old, so just two years younger than me. And she's been in the acting game for decades. And I want to put this acceptance speech in context because Nisi has been nominated five times for a primetime Emmy, and she's never won, which means she has lost four times.

2:16And if you're hearing my voice right now, I guarantee you at some point in your life, you have experienced a string of losses. Maybe you've gone through four relationships in a row that all ended up in a breakup, or maybe you've had four different career changes or you've tried four different medications or you've been passed over at work for at least four different types of jobs or promotions, or maybe you've been searching for a house and you have been turned down four different times. And I say that because I wanna put what you're about to hear in context. I want you to think about what it must feel like to be Nisi.

2:58Here you are, you're an actor, this is your dream, you're 53 years old, you have been working at your craft day in and day out, and you get nominated for awards. In fact, you get nominated for the primetime Emmys four times. And four times you show up, you sit on national television, they got a camera pointed right at your face, you're all dressed up, you're sitting there in the audience, there's all these other actors around, and four times in a row, they announce someone else's name as the winner. Whoa. Now look, I know you're supposed to be grateful that you're even nominated, right? But can we just be honest among friends here?

3:46It freaking sucks to lose. That is not an easy position to be in, right? Because here you are, you're now at the fifth award ceremony. And if I'm Niecy and I'm sitting there dressed up to the nines, I will be thinking because I want to manage my disappointment. I'm sitting in the audience and I'm thinking, don't get your hopes up. Just put that expression on your face, lock in the smile because you know that this is not going to happen. You've experienced this four times where someone else's name is called. And in today's world, I do not want my facial reaction to become some kind of a meme when I'm all like disappointed.

4:24And then all of a sudden, boom, they announce her name. She wins the Primetime Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actress for the series Dahmer. And here's why I wanted to talk about this. Because when Niecy stepped up to that mic, she was like a heat-seeking missile of motivation. And I want you to hear it. I am going to take you through parts of her acceptance speech step by step. Because there is something here for you and me to learn as we listen. I'm a winner, baby. Thank you to the Most High for this divine moment. Thank you, Ryan Murphy, for seeing me. Netflix, every single person who voted for me.

5:13Thank you, my better half, who picked me up when I was gutted from this work. Thank you. That last sentence is takeaway takeaway number one. No one tells you that pursuing the things that you love, pursuing the things that you want to do, pursuing the changes you want to make, there will be days that it guts you. It's true. Do not expect your life to be a cakewalk and do not expect those changes or the ambitions that you have to be easy or to be fun. Because here's what I've learned. And I've learned the hard way. Nothing in life that is worth doing is a walk in the park. In fact, it's the opposite.

5:56The higher the stakes, the bigger the battle. And it's important to understand who you're up against, who you're battling, because you want to know who you're not battling? You're not battling other actors. You're not battling other people in your company. You're not battling your friends or anyone in your industry, you are in a battle with yourself. Because here you have all these hopes and dreams and these expectations and these ambitions, and that's the future you. That's the future you that sees what's possible. And yet every single day, you have to drag yourself out of bed. You got to do the work.

6:39Then you got to come home. You got to feed the dogs. You got to wash the dishes. You got to pay the bills. And some days, some days turn out pretty amazing, don't they? But a lot of days, they just suck. Some days, you're going to be gutted. And so if you're fighting that battle right now, and you're working on making changes, or you're going after something, or you're chasing down those ambitions, and let me tell you something, you probably are, because you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast. I want you to hear this loud and clear. expect it to suck. Expect it to be a battle. Expect days where you feel gutted at the end of the day because it is harder than you could possibly imagine.

7:28And then you got to do the hard part. You got to get up tomorrow morning and do it again. And we don't talk about this part enough that when the work is worth doing to you, it's hard. Whether the work for you is trying to get in better shape, or maybe you're trying to get some aspect of your health under control, or you're trying to write a book, or maybe you are a working actor, or perhaps you want to go back to school and get a degree. I need you to understand, except from the beginning, this is not going to be cakewalk, expect a battle. And I'm going to talk more about that battle in a minute, but I want to go back to her acceptance speech because she was just getting started.

8:16And you know who I want to thank? I want to thank me. For believing in me and doing what they said I could not do. And I want to say to myself in front of all you beautiful people, go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that. I love that. Go on, girl, with your bad self. You did that. You know what else Nisi just did? Nisi just gave you a master class in self-esteem. What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And being able to thank yourself for doing the work, being able to thank yourself for believing in yourself for doing what people said you would not be able to do that's self-esteem and you and i need to know how to do that for ourselves self-esteem is critical because when you value yourself you not only prop yourself up but you also pave the way for other people to feel valued too you lead by example and nisi gives a beautiful nod to that at the end of her acceptance speech.

9:33I accept this award on behalf of every black and brown woman who has gone unheard yet over policed like Glenda Cleveland, like Sandra Bland, like Breonna Taylor. As an artist, my job is to speak true to power. And baby, I'm gonna do it to the day I die. I love that part so much where she says, as an artist, my job is to speak truth to power. Now, here's what I want you to consider. It's not just the job of an artist to speak truth to power. It is the job of each and every one of us to speak our truth, because it's only through speaking your truth that you unlock your power and thanking yourself for everything that you do.

10:26Thanking yourself. That is an example of speaking your truth. Thanking yourself for fighting the battles that you fight, for picking yourself up when you feel gutted, for opening your mouth and saying what needs to be said. That is exactly how that power that's inside you, you know it's in there. That's how that power gets unleashed. And one of the big takeaways for me in really experiencing the force that she was in that moment, you can feel it coming through that microphone, right? Is just notice how powerful it is to hear someone thank themselves. I mean, you don't hear that, do you? You don't ever hear somebody say that.

11:12And you're so quick to give the thanks to everybody else, to give all the credit away. And yeah, you should thank people that help you. But don't you dare forget the one person that knows exactly how hard it was for you to keep showing up. And that's what I want you to learn how to do today with me. You need to learn to thank yourself in the moments when you're winning. And you got to learn how to thank yourself in the moments where you feel gutted. Now, here's what's interesting. The second Nisi stepped off the stage, everyone was so blown away by her force and her presence and her passion and her words on stage that almost immediately she was asked by an interviewer, Nisi, why was it so important for you to take that moment?

12:01Well, I'll tell you what, if you thought that moment she shared on stage was powerful, you better stick around because it was nothing compared to what she said next. Stay with me.

12:16And you know who I want to thank? I want to thank me. That was Niecy Nash Betts, an actor accepting the Primetime Emmy Award for Best Supporting Actress. And I'm Mel Robbins. I'm so glad that you're here with me today because we are talking about the importance of self-esteem. And as far as I'm concerned, Niecy Nash Betts just gave a master class in it in her acceptance speech. And I'm unpacking the lessons step by step. So we've already talked about what she said on stage. But what I find more interesting is that when she got off stage and somebody put a microphone in front of her and said, during your acceptance speech, you thanked yourself.

12:57You gave yourself the recognition you deserve, which is something that women, especially black women, can struggle to do. Why is it important for you to take that moment? And I really want you to pay attention to what she said. I'm the only one who knows what it costs me. I'm the only one who knows how many nights I cry because I couldn't be seen for a certain type of role. I'm the one who knows what it's like to go through divorce on camera and still have to pull up and show out. And you still got to go home and you had children and a whole life. Now, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see me nodding right now.

13:35But I guarantee as you're hearing my words and you're listening with me right now, you are nodding along. I'm the only one who knows what it costs me. I'm the only one who knows what it's like to go through what I had to go through to be here in this moment. And you are the only one who knows what it's like to be you. You are the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you had to go through. for you to be here with me in this very moment. You know, it's so easy to forget that people only see what you're doing on the outside. Nobody but you knows the battle that you've been fighting on the inside, how often you feel defeated, how you struggle to believe in yourself, or the problems and the challenges that you have in your personal life.

14:36And yet when you walk out the door, you slap a smile on your face, carry it all on the inside. I mean, heck, just think about how challenging it can be some days to just get through the day, especially for we women. I mean, we're the ones that are usually taking care of the kids and the dogs and the aging parents and the to-do list and the grocery shopping and the cooking and trying to do it all at work and trying to do it all at home and got to put a smile on your face. I mean, it's exhausting. So today, let's talk about self-esteem. Let's talk about how you value yourself. And here's how we're going to do it.

15:17I'm going to ask you to stop and not only think about the credit that you deserve, but I'm going to ask you to give yourself some credit. I want you to think about yourself. I mean, just how far you've come, how hard you've worked, all the things that you deserve to feel proud of. I bet there are things that you've been dealing with or that you've overcome or that you're currently living through right now that most people in your life don't have a clue about. That's the truth. So let's take a moment and listen to what Nisi says next, because thanking yourself is speaking the truth. It is a form of power.

16:22Being proud of yourself, especially if you haven't won yet just being proud of yourself that you're still trying being proud for simply taking the time to even listen to this conversation right now because you know it's going to help you feel better that's the truth I'm talking about So I want you to hear a few other things that she said, because I believe it will strike a chord with you two. I'm proud that I did something that people said I could not do because I believed in me. Believe in yourself and congratulate yourself. And that's why it's not called mama esteem, them esteem, us esteem. It's called self esteem because nobody got to believe it but you.

17:16I am just smiling ear to ear. It's not called them esteem or us esteem. It's called self esteem because nobody has to believe it but you. So how about you and I take a minute right now? How about we do a little acceptance speech together? I'm dead serious about this. I know I have crazy ideas, but you know, you've come to expect that from your friend Mel. as you're walking the dog right now, or you're listening to me in the car, or maybe you're playing this at home on YouTube in the background, just stop for a second and indulge your friend Mel Robbins. I want you to imagine that I am handing you an award right now.

18:03What's the award for? Mel Robbins is giving you a Lifetime Achievement Award. What do you want to thank yourself for? What is it that you got yourself through? Whatever it is that nobody knows that you dealt with, I'm going to tell you something. You were here. You're still chipping away at it. You are still working hard to create something better for yourself. And in my mind, that means you deserve a lifetime achievement award every damn day. So thank yourself. I deserve one too. And so I'll go first, okay? And I hope that what I say inspires you to think about what you need to thank yourself for.

18:43So I want to thank myself. Thank you, Mel. Thank you for doing the work to become a better person. And, you know, for you listening to me right now, you have no clue how freaking toxic I used to be. I'm talking lying, cheating, people pleasing. I was crazy jealous, insecure. So I want to thank myself, Bell Robbins. I want to thank you for living with that crap for 40 years, for tolerating that shit day in and day out, for living with that self-hatred. And you know what? While you were living with that self-hatred woman, nobody knew on the outside, but you sure did. And then I want to thank myself for getting sick and tired of all the lying and cheating and people pleasing and jealousy and insecurity.

19:30And I want to thank myself for deciding you got to be different. I want to thank myself for how at the lowest points in my life, when I didn't want to get out of bed or face the stack of bills or deal with unemployment or how much I freaking hated my husband, that I actually dragged myself out of bed. I did that. There was no cheering squad. There was no marching band. I want to thank myself for getting into therapy. I did that. Nobody told me to go. Nobody paid for it. I decided I wanted to be better and I did something about it. Thank you, Mel Robbins, for taking care of yourself. And you know what else?

20:09While we're on it, I want to thank myself for moving to a state in the middle of freaking nowhere when I didn't want to. You know why I did that? I did that because I'm a great mom. I did it for my son. I did it for my husband. I didn't do that for myself. And I'm going to tell you something. It sucked. It sucked for about two years it sucked. And I'm going to tell you, it was so hard to leave my old life behind. But I kept showing up every day, not knowing how it would turn out. I'm proud of myself. I did that. I got to say, it feels really good to thank yourself like that. So now it's your turn.

20:52Seriously, what do you want to thank yourself for? what have you pushed through thank yourself for that what are the things you're chipping away at where nobody sees you and the progress that you're slowly making thank yourself for that thank yourself for the work that you do to heal thank yourself for the time that you take for your hobbies and to see your friends and thank yourself for taking the time to be here with me right now. I mean, you made a decision to listen to this and I'd like to think it's because you like hanging out with me and because you know when you listen, it helps you improve your life.

21:33Thank you. I mean, you could have been sitting on the couch, zoned out, playing video games, smoking a joint, scrolling social media, but you're not doing that. So thank yourself. Seriously. Go ahead.

21:48Doesn't it feel good? It's true, isn't it? You deserve to be thanked. It feels powerful to acknowledge yourself. And I also want you to do this because it creates a ripple effect. I mean, look at Nisi's inspiring me, and it's so easy to call out what everybody else is doing and point out their small wins. But the fact is, we all need to know how to do this. Because when you start to thank yourself and claim a win, even on those days when it looks like you're losing or you feel gutted, it's powerful. and I want to give you a simple example of just how easy this is and how you need to make this part of your daily life.

22:44So we have this family group chat. It's Chris and me and our three adult kids. And just before I was about to get on the microphone to talk to you, the chat pings and Oakley, our son, has texted in the family chat. And let me give you a little bit of background. So Oakley is on his ski team for his public high school here in Vermont. And we always joke because his peers elected him captain of the ski team, which is kind of a joke because he's the worst skier on the team. And I know nothing about ski racing, but what I've come to learn is that when you are the worst person on the team, you go last at every single race.

23:23And going last at a ski race, it's like the hardest thing on the planet to do because Because by the time you go, a hundred racers have already gone down the exact same course, which means they have carved the mountain into a solid ice luge run that you are now going to go down last as everybody's watching. So here he is. He's been at this big regional ski race with all the public high school teams in the state. He's competing against all these other kids. We were waiting to hear how it went. And all of a sudden this text pops up. This is what he said. So they set me up as the last skier. I got a DNF, which means did not finish.

24:07He went down the ice luge last, did not even finish. This is what he texts next. But it meant I was skiing really hard. And in the video they recorded, it looked like I was pretty good. So I'm happy. That's a win for me. I love that line. That's a win for me. Now, see, most of us, let's admit, you and I, if we were the last on the ski team and we did not even finish the race, like we turned a gate and just completely went in the wrong direction, you and I would not say that's a win for me. We would count that as a loss. This is the power of telling the truth. This is the power of acknowledging yourself.

24:52Okay? Let's go back to the definition of self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you value and perceive yourself. And what's so cool in that text is Oakley clearly understands something. He understands what I'm trying to communicate to you, that he's not competing against the other skiers. He is only ever competing against himself. And when you look at it that way, it is so easy to start thanking yourself for doing the work, even on the days when you don't even finish. You can still thank yourself. You can count it as a win because you went for it. And so it begs the question, when you are fighting against yourself, what exactly does that mean?

25:45Well, in order to truly break this down, I'm going to pull in one of the people that really motivates me. Who am I talking about? I'm talking about David Goggins, the Navy SEAL bestselling author and F-bomb dropping David Goggins. Do not go anywhere because we are going to talk about what it means when it's you against you. And I'm just getting warmed up and you definitely do not want to miss this next part.

26:17Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so thrilled that you stuck through the break, that you are still here with me. We are just cranking up the motivation engine right now. I hope that you are taking the time to share this with people in your life. Seriously, you can do that while you're listening to the amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast, because everybody on the planet needs this reminder. The reminder that self-esteem is critical, how you value and perceive yourself, and that thanking yourself, particularly on those days when you are not feeling great, when you just tried your best, but you didn't finish, that's how you tap into the truth.

26:54That's how you unlock power. And it's also how you motivate yourself to keep going. Now, you and I have already been talking about the powerful example that Niecy Nash Betts gave us at her primetime Emmy acceptance speech. And once I heard that speech, I thought, I got to tell you. And the very next morning, I hop on the treadmill. This was over the weekend. I put on my headphones. I turn on this interview and I'm listening to somebody I love. And that's David Goggins. Now, David Goggins, Navy SEAL, bestselling author, and he's doing this interview with someone else I listen to. You might listen to him too, Stanford professor, Andrew Huberman.

27:30I freaking love David Goggins because of everybody that I know in the personal development, life optimization research, science space. I think David's message is the closest to what I'm trying to convey to you every time we talk. And look, I'm not a Navy SEAL. I don't swear as much as he does, although some of you think I do. But his message is always about action, that you cannot sit around and wait to feel like it. That there is always some level of resistance or friction or suckiness or pain in the way between you and the things that you need to do in order to change your life, in order to reach your potential.

28:21And that's what I believe too. I tell you that every single time that you and I are talking, action, action, action. I even say that this is not just a listening podcast. It's a doing podcast. I tell you to expect it to be hard because when you expect it to be hard and it is hard, it doesn't derail you because you're smart. You saw it coming. You expected this so you push through it. And so here I am. I'm on the treadmill. It's literally the next morning after I've decided we're going to have this conversation and we're going to talk about Niecy's acceptance speech and I'm listening to him as I'm walking.