4 Surprising Secrets of Successful Relationships (What I Learned From a Fight With My Daughter)

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:10I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you. You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean? To just be like, like halfway through the welcome to Melrose. Welcome to having kids on the show. All right. Well, as you can tell, I'm not alone. I have our 18-year-old son, Oakley, our 23-year-old daughter, Kendall, and my awesome husband, Christopher Robbins. all here at SiriusXM Studios in Los Angeles. And we have piles and piles and piles of questions from listeners that are directed at Kendall and Oakley. And so we are just going to rapid fire your questions and crowdsource answers as a family.

0:54But before we start, can we please talk about the fact that I met Reese Witherspoon? Yeah. So I got to tell you this story. A couple days ago in New York, I'm there for work. I get up early. I go exercise with Christine, who, you know, is our chief operating officer and your aunt. And we are walking back to the hotel that we're staying in. It's probably, I don't know, maybe quarter of eight o 'clock in the morning. And you know how when you walk into some hotels, there's two sets of doors. There's that first door on the outside, and then there's that little like hallway area, and then the second set of doors.

1:31So we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel. And just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 745 in the morning, The second set of doors open up and somebody walks through and there is a woman behind him walking with another woman. And the woman who was shorter was incredibly striking and she had dark sunglasses on. And I noticed her out of the corner of my eye, but I was busy talking to Christine about something because we had a busy day ahead of us. And as we pass by the two women, Reese Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses. She walks past me and then stops. She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over and says, excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan of yours and I really love your work.

2:38I'm Reese and I nearly shat my pants I I would shit my pants I admire her so much and I I thought she knows who I am and I'm like I know who you are you're Reese freaking Witherspoon and by the way she looked gorgeous I mean she is so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life all the things that you would want her to be from, you know, seeing her afar. She is that in real life. And I couldn't believe that she knew me. I mean, this is a person that I admire. And so I was so floored by the whole thing. And I was like, you know, of course I know who you are. Oh my God, you know me.

3:28She's like, of course. And she's like, you did a great job on the Today Show yesterday. I'm like, you saw me on the Today Show? She's like, well, I'm here today to be on the Today Show. And so we start to talk. Now, by the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll. I have on Birkenstocks and socks and yoga tights, my hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting. So we step outside and now I'm really self-conscious because like it's Reese Witherspoon and we're on the sidewalk in New York City. And so I don't want to take up too much of her time and I don't want to draw attention and I don't want to be a weirdo.

4:04But at the same time, I am freaking out. And she says, I've been wanting to meet you. And there's a bunch of stuff we're working on. And then we started talking about some other things. And literally, I met Reese Witherspoon. And she asked me if I would want to come do something with her. And I'm like, yes, I would. and you know you think those things happen you're like okay that'll never happen maybe she was just being very gracious when i looked on instagram she had already dm'd me guys i met reese witherspoon what are you thinking oak it's awesome it's awesome it's awesome because you know it's one thing when somebody recognizes you but it's a whole nother thing when it's somebody that you really admire.

4:54Like I'm not the kind of person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever. You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck? No. Because we're all just human beings. But there's people stop you because they admire you. That's true. That's true. Like the feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you. Really? Were you scared when you met her? Were you nervous? Kinda. I mean, like not even kinda. Yes. Like I felt that moment. Like, have you ever felt that moment when you're, where all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry and then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words?

5:45yes i i just i i i didn't know what to say i was so overcome by the fact that she admires what i'm doing because i admire what she's doing and that was that was a really cool moment for me that is cool and of course i was wearing socks with birkenstocks when that berken socks berken socks i wear vermont represent man So that was really cool. Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?

6:23Probably Jack Kornfield, Mark Nepo. Who are those guys? Thought leaders in the field of contemplative.

6:40good question. I'm like, I'm tongue tied. I guess that's how I would be if I walked in and there was Jack. Would you recognize him? Would you say Swiss army knife of insert word here? Yeah, just a leader in the field of mindfulness and a prolific author and somebody that clearly has a very, very big heart for this world. What about you, Ken?

7:19Probably, oh, I would be starstruck if I met Olivia Dean. Not like Taylor Swift? Well, I mean, that's the obvious answer, but wouldn't we all be? We would. But yes, obviously Taylor. I mean, come on. But Olivia, she's got some... Swagger. She's got some pipes. Yeah, and they stopped you and were like, yeah, dude, I've seen your stuff. I feel like it's going to be out of nowhere, but I think of Lucky Day. Kendall knows what I'm talking about. Who the hell is that? An artist. An artist. And what does Lucky Day do? He just produces some cool music. Good music that I love to listen to. I mean, if he stopped me...

8:02Hold on. Are you getting choked up? Are you getting choked up? I don't know if he would ever actually listen to self-help stuff, but if he stopped me and he said that what I said was very insightful, I would, like, pee my pants because that would be pretty cool. I'd be like, I listen to you every day. Like, that's sick. Well, that was pretty sick. So thank you for asking because I hadn't told you that story yet, and I'm still just floating about it. I can't believe it happened, honestly. So Reese, if you're listening or somebody who knows her is listening, thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so cool to meet you and even cooler to see that you are just as smart and inspiring in person as I always thought you would be.

8:48All right. You guys ready for questions? Sure. Anything else anybody needs to get off their chest or beef that you have with one another that we need to talk about before we... Kendall, I missed you. Yeah. Oh, I missed you too, bud. How long has it been since you guys have seen each other? A month. Two months. It hasn't been that long. It hasn't been that long, but. Okay. You ready? Yes. Okay. Here we go. So our first question comes from Chelsea and she starts off by saying, Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy. After a difficult past couple of years, socially breaking up, loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90 % of the time.

9:38I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons, and in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me. I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world. How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?

10:04Well,

10:09hold on. Do you have any friends that hate their parents? Not any immediate friends, no. How would you answer this, Ken? Oh, gosh. Actually, I want to say one thing. I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life. And I think that part of that emotion is from losing previous friends. And it's not all because of you, his parent. And so there's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you. But he just has a lot of negative feelings. and like you're the only person that he can channel them into. Yeah. Well, you always tell us that the reason we sometimes treat our family the worst is because deep down we know that they're not going anywhere or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom any word that I want because she's my mom and she's not going to go anywhere.

11:11And especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion like Oakley said that he's feeling out on his parents. I don't necessarily think in my experience the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents. They just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling as though they couldn't move up or down or left or right. You know, they're just kind of stuck. But I will say that if he's 17 and he's in high school. And it's a social issue primarily. I'm sure that in if when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college.

12:01I think that. He will find some new perspective. I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment where she feels distant from her son. What would you want to hear from your mom or dad? Let's say that dad and I did something that really made you angry and that impacted your friend group and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating. And you were really mad about it. And now you felt isolated and you were mad that we did what we did. what would you want the parent to do? I would want you to apologize to me and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say, only because it shows that you're human too and you make mistakes and that you also don't think that you're above it all and that you're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me in a way and you are sorry about what you did.

13:09And just like, I think the first step, 100 % apologizing for what you did. You know what this is making me also think about Oakley is the number of times that I've apologized to you. And there's a lot that I screwed up and a lot of mistakes that I made. And you guys have always been super gracious in not only hearing the apology, but accepting it. And so thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And there's one other thing I wanted to add to this. And it's understanding that when your kids go off to college or they go off to camp or they have these experiences where they leave home for a little bit, they don't leave forever.

13:47In fact, Kendall, there have been a number of times that you've reflected on the fact that when you got to college, you had so many friends tell you that they had terrible relationships with their families. They fought all the times. they couldn't stand their siblings, the parents were going through a divorce, whatever it may be. But while they were at college and they gained some perspective, something really shifted. In fact, something wonderful often happened. And I would love for you to share that insight that you have when we come back from a really short break to hear a word from our sponsors.

14:20Would that be okay? Yeah. Awesome. Stay with us, everybody.

14:33Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with us. It's your friend Mel and I am here with my family. Kendall, Chris, Oakley, Sawyer is off on the other side of the world on a solo backpacking trip. We miss you, Sawyer, if you're listening to this. And we're in the middle of answering a question from a listener named Chelsea. She's a mom and she's worried that her 17-year-old son is mad at her and mad at her because of some stuff that she did. and that she may have screwed up so badly that her son may never speak to her again. And Oakley is assured her that your son is likely not mad at you, likely just mad at the world and taking it out on you.

15:09And Kendall, you know, you're a college graduate. And would you share what happened when you got to college and your friends who did not have a great relationship with their parents or their siblings or their family, they get to college, they get a little perspective. What did you see happening time and time again? just that once you have some space from your family you tend to appreciate them more because now that you're one step closer to the real world and you're you're you've flown a bit from the nest you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there and i think when you have space from that environment you can start to see it in a new perspective which your fan like your relationship with your family i think naturally sort of evolves once you move out You've shared with me that you also get, you know, your perspective on the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children widens hugely once you get to college.

16:13I mean, you sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school, but as you get a little older and get out there, you hear understanding of all the different ways. Oh, yeah. And I think there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for. And now that I've had. We're right here. You can tell us. Well, that's what I'm doing. You knew in the moment. Don't even pretend. but there were dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for like what name one didn't let me go to some parties didn't let me hang out with some people gave me even even if it wasn't preventing me from actually doing an activity just giving me opinions that I didn't want to hear all the time just parenting me you know what I mean but there were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you and made me slam doors and point fingers specifically middle fingers and now that I have had a lot of years outside of the house and I don't live at home anymore and I've graduated college I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to love me and set me up for success over and over and over.

17:43And I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would have acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it, you know? What do we do that pisses you off, Oak?

18:03We talk to them in the morning. Yeah, that's... Yeah, honestly, that's my biggest thing. There's been so many times where I've been in the kitchen trying to fill up my water bottle for the day, and you come in and start having a conversation with me. And I want to uppercut you. I'm like, please get away from me. I actually had the exact same experience this morning with mom. We had the worst fight, you guys. Okay, you're still being dramatic, which is what you were doing this morning. Can we talk about what happened? Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy and rude.

18:39Thank you. You're welcome. And I'm really sorry for treating you like S-H-I-T because I was really rude this morning and I feel bad about it. Wow. Thank you. Is that a blanket statement for everything that's happened up until now? No. But you know what? I actually think it's a good thing to unpack because this is the kind of argument that we had this morning that happens over and over and over again in families, between siblings, between Chris and I. And it's just a stupid thing. But we got at each other over it. And here's what happened. So I what I'm just laughing at, like thinking about being a fly on the wall during that fight.

19:20would have I would have needed popcorn. Were you in your house? Were you in your house? Well let me set the scene for you. Do it. Mom and I we had a mother daughter dinner with my roommate and her mom. It was amazing. We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks and a gummy and a few gummies and we were laughing. We laughed our butts off and just wore matching PJs to bed. Shout out to my roommate's mom. and we had booked a 7 a.m. workout class the night before and before bed we're climbing into bed and we both are looking at each other saying no we're not going to make the class we're not going to make the class but my mom had to be here at nine in the morning so we still had our alarm set pretty early so we go to bed an hour into trying to fall asleep my mom is a furnace I'm I'm sure you know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot.

20:18More like a nuclear reactor. Yes, I am. It is so hot. I don't know this is an understatement. I radiate heat? Yes. And so all night I was tossing and turning, sweating. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. But anyway, I was tossing and turning all night. Didn't get great sleep, partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees. And I was not on my eight sleep pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down. So keep going. Sponsor of the show. Shout out. Okay. That's smooth. Thank you. So anyway, my alarm goes off at 630. Immediately turn it off. And mom's like wide awake, turns over at me and is like, we're not going to Pilates.

21:03Yeah, question. I didn't stay. I'm like, don't you want to go to Pilates? I said, no, I told you last night we're not going. And she said, come on, will you come with me? And I said, no, I don't want to go. And she said, okay. So then we both kind of fall back asleep. Another alarm goes off about 45 minutes later, 7.15. Anyway, this part is not really important. We just kind of went back and forth in the morning. I was up at six in the morning. No, no, no, no. This part is important. Your bedroom is small and I stayed with you last night. So I had a suitcase. Yes. And I needed to get ready and you had offered to drive me here.

21:35Yes. And I was trying to get my suitcase packed. Well, no, because here's scratch everything I just said. Just keep going. We wake up too early, miss our exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover. And it's also bright outside and it's gloomy. And my mom is 500 degrees in my bed. and I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful, awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my little face and getting my little workout clothes on. But instead I woke up was 503 degrees. I opened my eyes and it looks like a tornado has gone through my room full of my mom stuff.

22:31I have so much sympathy for your life. Yeah. It's insane. It's insane. It's like everything that you own is alive and has legs and just picks a spot to spend the night that's not in the suitcase. And so I wake up and immediately I'm hungover. I'm groggy. It's way earlier than I expected to be up because we said we weren't going to go to our workout class. Immediately my mom gets out of bed. She starts, I don't even know what, pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately, our energies were just completely not matched because she was, as she always is in the morning, hey, what's going on? Hey, girl, are you ready to go?

23:12And I'm like, I'm going to strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now. So then she's all chipper and I'm just meeting her with just really negative energy. And we just kind of got into it because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, she just shuts down. And then I'm like, don't shut down. And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed and we literally both laughed. And I was like, are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie. Do not do that. So we were kind of laughing but also kind of fighting. But then it kind of just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.

23:48Totally. It was the worst. It was just horrible. And then I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she's because she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate or her roommate's mother. So she's fair and kind. And consider it. And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed because I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all of her thing. And she's like, can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed. I'm like, can I just get my suitcase packed so I can get it off your bed? I need to make my bed right now. And they're like, OK, then I'll put it on the ground. And then she's like making her bed in a fuss as I'm then trying.

24:22And we're bumping into each other because the whole room is tiny. And she's pissed off and I'm hot. And then I have a hot flash. And then she's like, shh, shh, you're going to wake him up. And I'm like, I got to get my makeup done. I'm going to call an Uber. You're not calling an Uber. So now we're bickering about everything. And also we're whispering. We weren't full volume.

24:47And so that's how I'm already started. And then we get in the car and we don't talk. And I'm in the worst mood and I don't want to drive her here. And she, I mean, because then she goes, well, I'll just get a car and go to Sirius. And I go, no, now I feel like bad. I'm going to drive you. So then we go and get caught. I meant it. Like, here's the thing. And this is why this is important to unpack. Okay. I was more than willing to just get in an Uber and get out of your hair. And you let guilt make you do something you didn't want to do. And then you were mad at me about it. That's facts. But did you allow for her to step aside from the guilt?

25:33Did you say anything? Well, I said, I'll just get an Uber, Ken, so you can get on with your morning and you can get yourself organized. It's totally cool. And she's like, no, no, no. I want to drive you. I want to drive you. We'll go get coffee. And I'm like, okay, okay. You know, I'll let you do it. And then we get in the car and she's like, you know, kind of like, like you can tell like when somebody's mad because they drive with their elbows up, they're really like mad as they drive. And it's true. That's LA. True. It's true. Thank you for apologizing. Yeah. Well, I also just think that. She's about to rescind it.

26:08No, and I actually do apologize because that my negative energy got my own morning started off on the wrong foot. And then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated. But. I don't. Here's what I learned this morning. I learned a number of things. You ready? Number one. Most of the time when you fight with people that you care about. it is about either energy not matching. So you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around like the Energizer bunny, or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you. And now I'm in the way of that. And so however you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it.

26:58And you're not really mad at the other person. It's all this pent up energy that you feel because you're not able to just go about the beginning of your day the way that you want to. And one of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important to distinguish because it's something I'm kind of proud of is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw them on your bed as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were making me move my stuff so you could make your bed. I just let you, like the let them theory. I'm just like, she's going to get pissed.