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The Mel Robbins Podcast - Episode Notes
Episode Title
5 Ways to Take Your Power Back When People Disrespect You
Episode Overview In this episode, Mel Robbins discusses strategies for reclaiming personal power when feeling disrespected or taken advantage of by friends, family, or partners. The conversation includes actionable advice inspired by two listener coaching sessions, highlighting the importance of setting boundaries and encouraging self-responsibility in relationships.
Key Themes
- Identifying Disrespect: Recognizing when others rely too heavily on your contributions and the emotional toll it takes.
- Taking Responsibility for Change: Understanding that enabling others contributes to the problem, and that change begins with you.
- Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear expectations to foster healthier dynamics in relationships.
- Empowering Others: Encouraging loved ones to take ownership of their responsibilities and potential.
Main Discussions
- Understanding Situations of Being Used:
- Differentiate between being used and being in a situation where others are comfortable with the status quo.
- Mel emphasizes that if you are feeling used, it may be more about comfort than malice.
- Coaching Session with Crystal:
- Scenario: Crystal feels overwhelmed by her family's reliance on her after their mother's passing and struggles with her siblings' lack of responsibility.
- Advice:
- Recognize the difference between being used intentionally and being in a comfortable routine.
- Encourage her siblings to take ownership through clear expectations and teamwork.
- Introduce the concept of a “performance improvement plan” to motivate family members to contribute.
- Coaching Session with Brooke:
- Scenario: Brooke is frustrated that her boyfriend has not worked for two years and is becoming increasingly resentful.
- Advice:
- Set clear boundaries regarding financial and emotional support.
- Encourage Brooke to express her feelings about the situation and to insist on therapy as a condition for their relationship to continue.
- Highlight the importance of recognizing her own needs and self-worth.
Key Takeaways
- You Are Not Responsible for Others' Growth: If others are not willing to change or take responsibility, you may need to remove yourself from the situation.
- Set SMART Goals: Use Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely goals to define expectations.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and reinforce positive changes in the behavior of those around you to foster a supportive environment.
- Empowerment through Boundaries: Setting boundaries is an act of love, both for yourself and for those who may need the push to grow.
Action Steps
- Identify Your Patterns: Reflect on your own behavior and emotional needs in relationships.
- Communicate Clearly: Use direct language to convey your needs and expectations to others.
- Create a Supportive Environment: Encourage those around you to step up and contribute, while recognizing and celebrating their efforts.
- Be Prepared for Resistance: Understand that change may cause discomfort and resistance from those used to the status quo.
Final Thoughts Mel Robbins reinforces the idea that change often requires discomfort and that by maintaining clear boundaries and expectations, you empower both yourself and others to grow. The episode concludes with a call to action for listeners to reflect on their own relationships and to take steps towards healthier dynamics.
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Additional Resources
- For more strategies on self-advocacy, listen to: [How to Speak Up for Yourself](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-speak-up-for-yourself-simple-strategies-for/id1646101002?i=1000606014020)
Disclaimer This podcast is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel. And today on the Mel Robbins podcast, we're going to talk about the other people in your life, the ones that are kind of annoying you and what to do about it.
0:15All right, you guys, I don't know what is in the air, but you have been flooding MelRobbins.com and all of the DMs with questions about people in your life that will not change. And it's starting to bug you. And it doesn't matter what you do. You have tried to push people, inspire people, lead by example. You have given pep talks. You have resorted to bribing people. If you would pick up around the house a little bit more, I'll buy you that new lacrosse stick. I think we've all been in that situation where you see potential in somebody that you love, you want them to fulfill upon that potential, and they don't do anything about it.
0:55And yeah, you've been dropping hints. You support, you push, you have tried in every single way to get that person to fulfill the potential you see in them, or at least to get them to see it in themselves, and nothing happens. It breaks your heart. And as hard as you try, they don't do anything. And yet you can't stop yourself from trying to push them. Or there are those situations where you're starting to feel like you're being used because you do everything around the house or everything around the office and everybody else seems to have it pretty easy. While you're busy doing all the dishes and all the grocery shopping or finishing up all the year-end reports?
1:35Why does this always fall to you? And you've dropped hints and you've tried to push people to do different and you've even given your ultimatums. Nothing changes. That's what we're talking about today. What do you do when either you can't get somebody you love to change and they are wasting their life, wasting, throwing their potential out the window. And what do you do if you're starting to feel used, that it's all on your shoulders, that everybody lives on easy street, but you, because you pay the bills and you do all the hard stuff and it always drops in your lap. Well, that is exactly what we're going to talk about today.
2:17How to identify when this is happening and more importantly, what to do about it. And you're going to hear from two listeners who are struggling with people in their life who they love, but who they are ready to just, oh, they just are just so sick of it. You know, they're so sick of it, they're calling me. And by the way, for those of you who have never met me, I'm Mel Robbins. I'm a New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's leading experts on habits, motivation and change. and you have pulled into a fantastic inaugural edition of the Mel Robbins podcast, because today we're kicking this topic off with a question from a listener named Crystal, who has got some issues with her siblings.
2:59Hey, Mel, it's Crystal, and I have a big question. How to know if you're being used? I have two adult siblings that have always lived with me. One has been unemployed for more than three years. Last week, my working sibling was placed on PIP. I've always been the big breadwinner and they and my mom all lived in my home. My mom passed away four years ago. It's becoming increasingly difficult to motivate them and or get them to understand the weight of responsibility is on me. I'm beginning to think they don't care and are enjoying the stress-free lifestyle they've become accustomed to or they don't understand because they've never had this type of responsibility.
3:38When are they going to grow up and be equal contributors or move out? This is really eating up bandwidth in my head. I will add we had a horrendous childhood and largely why we all stayed together. There is safety in numbers and we had to have a united front against a very abusive father and ex-husband. He abused us all well into adulthood. Thanks for any insight. Thanks for all you do.
4:05Crystal, thank you for that question and thank you for the detail that you provided in the end. I think that's really relevant to how you handle this and how you think about the situation that you're in. I've got five takeaways that I'm going to share with you. The first one is this. There is a big difference between being used by somebody and being in a situation where somebody is used to the situation. Does that make sense? I'm going to unpack this a bit because I think it's really, really important. When you're being used, that's a situation where somebody is intentionally taking advantage of a situation to their benefit.
4:57They know they're doing it. For example, if you're in a job and you've basically phoned it in and you're only staying there because you want the money, but you're not actually doing what's expected of you, you are using your employer. when you sneak stuff from your roommate's side of the refrigerator you're using them when you intentionally do something like invite yourself to somebody's house even though you don't like them but they have a great pool and it's a nice weekend but you are not that great of a guest or you know you gossip about them you're using them are you in a situation where you're being used because somebody's leading you on, but deep down they just want sex.
5:45And yet they're telling you that this is more, but they just want sex. That's a situation where you're being used. Or are you in a situation like Crystal where the situation's been like this for a while and everybody's kind of used to it, but you're just sick of it. So you now want to change And so I think it's important for you, Crystal, to anchor there. And as you are listening to me unpack all of these takeaways, I want you to apply this to your situation. And the details, Crystal, in your particular situation matter, because you guys are used to living together. You guys are used to being under the same roof.
6:27You said that you've been doing this for a long time. Your mom used to live with you and that there's safety in numbers. And so I believe what's happened is that you are just tired of the situation the way that it is. And that means that you are going to be the one that changes it. Because if everybody else is used to it and they're comfortable in it, they have no motivation or no interest in changing it. Why would they? It's working for them. It's just not working for you. And that's okay. So the second takeaway, you ask the question, when are my siblings going to grow up? When are they going to realize I'm frustrated?
7:05When are they going to? Never. They are never going to grow up. Why? Because they're comfortable. They're used to this. They're used to you being in charge. You've always been in charge. You've always been the breadwinner. You said as much. So they're not going to grow up. And that's okay, everybody. That's okay. That means that you are going to have to be the grownup and you're going to have to parent. And I'm going to tell you exactly what to do when you're in a situation where you're trying to make the people around you level up and help you change the situation. I also want to say for your sake, Crystal, and for anybody else that, you know, it sounds like you guys are all so struggling with trauma and PTSD.
7:50And so I know that that's also why you haven't shaken things up. If all three of you experienced horrific abuse, which you just said that you did, then you also have the added issue of people maybe not having healed from that trauma and maybe not being as proactive or as motivated or as self-sufficient as they could be. There was another detail in what Crystal said. She said PIP, what does that mean, everybody? It means a performance improvement plan. What that basically means is you're fucking up at work and your bosses have sat you down and they have said your work is not satisfactory and we are going to put you on a PIP, a performance improvement plan, which is very embarrassing.
8:42It's very confronting. I'm not making excuses for the sibling. I'm just trying to explain the psychology here of why they're not growing up and why they've gotten very comfortable with very low standards. And you're now in this framework at work where you're being measured. And if you don't measure up, your ass is fired. But oftentimes when people are set up with a PIP, they feel so ashamed and embarrassed that they just quietly quit. They feel like the writing's on the wall. They feel unmotivated and self-conscious. 90 % of people, when they get put on a performance improvement plan, leave the job.
9:24Whoa. It kind of makes sense because you feel like you've been called out and you're embarrassed. And so it's really important how you set up a performance improvement plan. Because if it's literally like you suck, and you're going to get fired unless you do these things, who wants to stay at that job? A performance improvement plan can be a really good thing. Because it means that they are providing a pathway for you to be able to excel, which means they believe that you can. And so Crystal, ironically, we're going to put your family, your siblings on a performance improvement plan, and we're going to set it up the right way.
10:03And you're going to get everybody on the same page, clean slate, new energy. And you're going to do that by setting small attainable goals so that everybody feels not only like they can be successful, but they're going to feel a sense of pride as they start contributing to the family household. And you, Crystal, you're going to borrow a 19 word sentence. This is something that's been studied at Stanford. When you say to somebody, I have high expectations of this team, and I think you're capable of achieving them, which is why I'm going to put you on a performance improvement plan so that you know what's expected.
10:39And I believe you can achieve this. This is the path forward for success for you. That is a way that makes you want to play the game. because since it's your family, you can talk about your feelings and you can talk about your need to feel support and you can talk about these simple things that they can do that would make a huge difference in this living arrangement and in their lives and in your lives. So it can be like a really positive thing that you're going to do. So takeaways so far, you're either being used because it's conscious and intentional, or you're just in a situation where people are used to what's going on and they're not motivated to change it like you are.
11:19When will other people grow up and realize this? Never. You got to be the adult in this situation if you want to change it because it's your life. It's your happiness. By the way, it's also your house and it's your responsibility to lead the change that you want to see always. Another takeaway that I want you to have is when you're around people that are not motivated to change their lives, you're probably dealing with what psychologists call learned helplessness. Now, learned helplessness was first coined in 1965 by a very famous psychologist after doing these really awful experiments with dogs.
12:02I'm not even going to explain the experiments, but basically what learned helplessness is, is it's when you receive a series of setbacks or you are experiencing a lot of pain and you basically give up, you decide that there's nothing that you can do. It is what it is. And you just survive and try to cope through the pain and the situation. It's the difference between being a person who is pessimistic, that you feel like nothing's ever going to change. You're never going to be good enough. Why even bother? Boss never likes my work or I never do well at work or my sister already takes care of things and I'm never going to amount up to anything versus having an optimistic point of view.
12:51And optimism, realistic optimism is just the belief that through your own actions and through your own attitude, you can make a positive dent in any situation. That your effort is always worth it, that trying is always worth it, that growth is available to you. And so I say this because when you're surrounded by people that have this sense that nothing they do matters, it just creates complacency and fear. And there's one thing that makes a difference when you're in this situation. And Crystal, I think that's the situation that you're in. You guys have passed trauma. The situation has always been that you always take care of everything.
13:36Now you've got one of your siblings who's on a performance plan. So they're feeling kind of kicked down to the ground. And I would imagine there is this sense of pessimism. There is this sense of I'm just used to life not being easy. And that's where you can come in. And this is the fourth takeaway. You ready? They need goals. They need goals set by you. goals for how they are supposed to show up. You see, they don't know the path forward. They don't know how it's supposed to look. You do because you want the situation to be different. And so it's on you to set what are called smart goals. For those of you who have not heard about smart goals, we will link to the article that was written in 1981, where three researchers came up with the idea of SMART goals in the context of leadership and business.
14:30But SMART goals is a very simple and effective way to think about setting goals for yourself or other people. SMART stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and timely. And so here's how this is going to work with your siblings. I want you to think about how the situation could be different. Put on an optimistic hat. And now we're going to paint a picture of what it would look like in the day to day living situation so that you feel supported. Because it's not just about the money. Are they doing anything around the house? Are they cooking? Are they caring for the yard? When it snows, do they shovel?
15:10Are they taking the trash out on Mondays? Are they making their beds in the morning? Like what is it that would make you feel as though the dynamic has shifted, that everybody's leveled up in their own achievable way, and those actions make you feel a shift, okay? So let's go back to smart, specific. What are specific goals you could set? And those goals might look like you need to make your bed every morning. Those goals might look like I'm going to make a grocery list and every Tuesday, so-and-so is going to go to the grocery store. I'm going to create a schedule for who's cooking and who's doing dishes.
15:54And since you guys aren't contributing financially, that's what you're going to do. I know I'm being very kind of like annoyingly detailed here and maybe in a really condescending way. I don't mean to be. I'm trying to say that because people don't know what you want, which is what you should assume, and you're the one who wants the situation to be different, you have to get crystal clear, black and white, granular, meaning specific. I got to be able to measure it. It's got to be broken down so that your siblings can achieve it. It's got to be realistic and it's got to be timely, meaning do it on a Tuesday, do it on a Wednesday.
16:36Every weekend, I expect this. because that is how you lay a path forward for somebody who is in a hole to be successful. And any of you listening who have adult kids coming back to live with you in your home, or if you have an ex who lives with you or a friend, if you're in a situation where you feel like you're the one that's being used and you're the one that's paying the bills and everybody's got a free ride, I want you to use this same plan to help get those people in your life back on their feet and help you detach from being their crutch. So the final piece, the fifth takeaway is this. When you see your siblings doing those actions, when you see them checking the boxes, when you see them making their bed, when you see them spending an hour every day looking for a job, or you see them checking in with you for 10 minutes every night about how work went today.
17:39When you see those actions happening, you got to cheer for them because what you're trying to do is you're trying to create an environment where somebody knows that you believe in them. They know what your expectations are. They know the defined achievable steps that they can take in order to make you happy. And then when they do those things, you got to cheer for them. You got to say, thank you. You got to say, I appreciate you. This is so important because you're not dealing with a situation, Crystal, where you're getting used. You're in a situation where you're trying to level up your siblings.
18:23And you're trying to do it when there's issues like generational trauma and hopelessness and patterns in place and a dynamic between all of you, which means you got to get super intentional about what the new game looks like. You got to define it. And then like an awesome coach always does, you got to cheer for your players as they are in that game. That's how you do this. And I know you can do it because I can just tell based on your voice that you are somebody who is a very, matter of fact, professional, successful, awesome person, which is why this is frustrating. Because we all think that everybody thinks like us.
19:06We all think that all those things that you think are obvious, why do you put your stuff on the floor? Why don't you just let the dog out? We think it's obvious. It's not obvious to everybody, but you can make it obvious and you can make it a game worth playing. And don't forget, you get to talk about your feelings. Guys, I love you, but I feel frustrated and I'm starting to feel a little used and I'm starting to feel very sad because I see you guys just coasting in life and I believe that there's something more for you. And so here's my request. If you're going to continue to live with me and I want you to, I need you to show up differently.
19:42And here is what I need from you. And I know you can achieve this. It would make a huge difference for me. And if you don't think you can do that, then maybe it's come to the point where we can't live together, but I need this support from you guys. And you might be surprised at how they show up if you frame it in the support that you need from them. It would probably feel really good to know that I could actually do something that my sister would appreciate and feel supported by instead of feeling like the one that's not successful. So that's another way to look at it. But gosh, I really appreciate your question.
20:21So thank you. All right. So that's question number one. But don't you dare go anywhere. Because coming up, I'm going to be coaching a listener of this podcast live. Her name is Brooke. And Brooke's boyfriend has not worked for two years. And she's feeling used. And she has no idea how to bring this up with him. She wants him to get a job. She wants things to change. But she's scared he's going to leave. We got all that coming up next.
21:01Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Today we're talking about what you do when you are feeling used and how you can inspire people around you to level up the game of life without trying to fix them. I can't wait to jump in with this next listener. Her name is Brooke and she wrote to me because her boyfriend hasn't worked in two years and honestly she's tired of it. So let's get Brooke on the line. Brooke! Hi! It's so nice to meet you. Oh my gosh, this is great. It's great to meet you. Thank you for being here. Absolutely. Thanks for having me. Of course. So tell me you're so cute. I love your glasses.
21:43Oh, thank you. I like yours too. And the photos behind you are so cool. Oh, thank you. That's actually of my best friend. She just passed away a little over a year ago. Oh, that sucks. I know it really does. Yeah. So what's going on, Brooke? How can I help you? So I just would love your advice on this. I have a boyfriend whom I love a lot for many reasons, but he hasn't worked in almost two years. He lives with me and isn't contributing financially. And he doesn't see a problem with it. When I bring up getting a job, he gets defensive and often leads to not only a conversation that ends up not being productive, but he becomes more distant.
22:21He doesn't have a close relationship with his friends and family. I am his closest person in his life. And I have learned that this makes it really difficult to persuade him or encourage him. I want to be supportive and allow him to have his own process of change. but it's frustrating because I'm paying for everything. I also feel like I can't fully trust him and he's turning away from me. I'm not sure if he's using me or he's going to become what I feel he's capable of becoming, which is a greater version of himself and find a job and be better. This relationship feels toxic, but also feels unique.
22:55This is the greatest issue that I'm having right now and I just don't know how to go about it. Gotcha. So that was great. And now I want you to just talk to me and tell me what's going on. Like a friend. well actually right now i've been finding that you know besides the work situation our relationship has not felt as toxic we haven't been fighting we've been getting along i just don't bring it up i don't bring up him not working as much because it does lead to friction i can immediately see his uncomfortability in it and he just kind of shuts down and gets defensive so i kind of leave it alone but i i can't keep leaving it alone like i really feel it's inappropriate that this is what's going on does he know you're talking to me he does he i i made him leave the house so he couldn't hear what was going on and how did he feel about you talking to me good um he was supportive i didn't go into detail about what it was about um he knows i listen to your podcast all the time though and i make him listen to it too or i'll like sneak it on when like I'm driving in the car.
24:05Um, I just, me and my sister were just talking about this the other day. I feel like with, you know, listening to your podcast, I feel like I am realizing things that I need to change and I'm doing it, but no one else around me in everyday life is doing the same things. So I'm trying to be patient and like using different tools. And she was laughing. She's I feel the same way. It's, it's so hard to, you know, you want to just like, get them to understand it and feel the same way and change. But you know, that's not always what happens. Well, I want to get some facts. So how long have you been with your boyfriend?
24:42Just about three years. Okay. And for how long has he been unemployed? It's going on two years now. I, um, It was January of last year that he officially stopped working completely. And then when he was working and he kind of wasn't doing that great, like he was going there late and his boss was getting frustrated with him. And then I think his boss actually ended up letting him go. And he just hasn't been motivated to do anything since. He was incarcerated for eight years as well. And I don't know what that's like. And he does say a lot of times that he believes that that could have something to do with where he's at in his life.
25:29And he gets very frustrated with that. I'm sure. I don't know how to help them in that way at all. I don't I want to be supportive, but I also need support, too. Yes. Yes, you do. You deserve support. And I'm glad you reached out for help. And there's a couple things that I want to say right off the bat, because I'm going to ask a few more details. Okay. It's important for you to know that in the beginning of my career, I worked for legal aid and I was a criminal defense attorney. And so I represented people like your boyfriend who were either accused of or convicted of crimes. And I believe that once somebody has served their sentence, we need to do a much better job as a society in rehabilitating and empowering and in welcoming people back into society.
26:26And so I'm glad that you shared with me that he did spend eight years incarcerated because there is no question that the re-entry into life outside of the jail system is very jarring, traumatic, isolating. and one of the things that I know a lot of people that I represented really struggled with is not only the rejection and the scrutiny that you face when you get out and in some states the laws that make it very very difficult for you to truly find meaningful work is that the structure of being incarcerated is completely removed. And even though it is horrendous to experience any time behind bars, there is this kind of certainty that you come to rely on in terms of the day-to-day schedule.
27:29And so for somebody like your boyfriend to get fired and lose that day-to-day structure, it does not surprise me at all that he has spiraled mentally, that he has not got any motivation, and that this has been a very challenging situation for you to watch as well. And so I'm saying that because I want you to know that I'm bringing a level of not firsthand experience, but having either represented or counseled or kind of coached people that are in this exact situation, this is more complex than, say, Christopher Robbins, my husband, losing his job because of the added shame that you feel, the added discrimination that he's probably experiencing when he goes in to try to find a job.
28:21And was he in jail for a violent crime or Or was it more of that sort of white collar, as they say, crime of financial fraud, that kind of stuff? Well, it was it was pretty, I guess you consider it violent. It's it was armed robbery. It was a young kid. And he, you know, it was with a cap gun. He fucked up. Yeah. And he right. And it was a shame because he was so young when he went. And, you know, I do understand that he is not that person anymore. And he has lost a lot of time. what he often tells me and before i started you know working on myself i used to get very defensive and kind of just you know stab him with my words and because he really feels like he's owed something he feels that he doesn't even know what he wants to do who he is that he just got into skateboarding you know and at first i was like you're not a child you know what i mean you need to work.
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29:22This is what real life is. People have responsibilities. And, you know, my dad would get involved too. And really kind of, I felt like I was bullying him in a sense, now that I have some different perspective. And I do want to be supportive and I don't want to be bullying him. And I don't want to discourage him more than he already is. I really feel that he is, he has so much potential. He's so smart. He's fluent in sign language because his mother is deaf. He is like, can figure out how to do anything. You know, he's very capable and he presents himself very well. He's just not applying himself.
30:00He's just not going out there. And I don't see it changing anytime soon. And it's starting to freak me out. It should freak you out because two years is a very long time. Two years is plenty of time to let somebody coast. And I agree with you. It is time for the dynamic to change. And what you're really asking, and this is what's universal in your question, and one of the reasons why I really wanted to talk to you, is that we all have the experience in life of seeing the potential in somebody that we care deeply about. and doing whatever we can to support, to push, to cajole, to like whatever we can to try to get that person that we care about to see their potential too.
30:46And the truth is that at some point, if the person stays stuck and you start to feel as you said you do, am I getting used? what is going on here? Something's got to change. You have to change the way you're showing up. He's going to have to do the work to tap into his own potential. We've got to disrupt the dynamic between the two of you in a healthy way so that your kindness and your generosity and your patience is not enabling him to stay stuck where he is. And I believe in this deeply for a number of reasons. Number one, I do think when somebody's really struggling, they need your compassion, they need your support, they need all of that.
31:46But if you start to share how it makes you feel to watch them struggle and you start to offer up things that they could do and he is actively not doing those things, then what's happening is you're now, after two years, standing by watching somebody slowly self-destruct. And so this is a really common thing that we all face. And when you get to the point where you are, where you're sort of like at the end of your rope, you care about this person, you feel guilty about being tough with them, they get defensive when you are, you have to change your strategy. And I relate to this, Brooke, deeply because I remember when Chris left the restaurant business, he was a shell of himself, complete problem with alcohol and just devastated because he had not provided, he felt he had failed in his career.
32:50And I looked at him and I was like, number one, you got to get sober. And number two, you got to talk to a therapist those are non-negotiable yeah that's i'm sorry i don't want to cut you off at all but i really feel like he needs to see a therapist for several different reasons clearly and i don't see him being too receptive of that too there was a time where you talked a little bit about it but i just he's very close-minded right now and i'm sorry and i didn't mean to turn that into a go in a different direction with what you were saying but i did want to throw that in there. That's very important too.
33:25It is very important. And this is where your strategy can change. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. You've paid all the bills for how long? For two years, I guess, technically. I mean, when he was working, I wasn't contributing too much. You've been paying the bills for two years. How does it make you feel to have all that responsibility on your shoulders? Well, in one way, it makes me feel good because I am getting it accomplished, but I feel like he's like taking advantage of. I can see why you feel that way, Brooke. And I want you to hold that thought because I have a lot more that I want to say, but I got to take a quick pause real quick.
34:10And we need to hear a word from our sponsors and we'll be right back with Brooke. And we're going to talk more about the strategy she needs to use, what she needs to say exactly to her boyfriend and how she can help her boyfriend and herself get into a better place. Stay with us.
34:37Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and I'm here with Brooke and let's just get right back into it, Brooke. So one of the things that I want you to change is you need to have a conversation with them. And you need to say, I can't do the work for you. But it is breaking my heart to watch you struggle. And in my opinion, not see you taking the proactive steps to change this. And so I have new boundaries that I need to express for myself. And that is, if this relationship's going to work, you must go to therapy once a week for three months. because I believe that the reason why you're not flourishing is because you have PTSD from being incarcerated or you are struggling with depression.
35:46And if I don't see you take the proactive steps of going to counseling for the next three months, once a week, then this is not going to work and you're going to have to move out. I will pay for it, but you have to be willing to meet me halfway because I can't stand by and watch somebody I love self-destructing. And I've given you two years to try to figure it out on your own and what your behavior has communicated to me is that you're not capable of doing this on your own. And that's okay. You need a ladder to help you climb out of this hole. So I'm going to tell you what that ladder is. And I personally agree with you.
36:39I think it is therapy, but I don't want to shove that down your throat, Brooke. So what is one behavior change that you could say to him? I can't make you do it. I am not going to force you to do it. I'm not going to guilt you into doing it. I'm just going to express a very clear boundary. We are not going to be together if you don't do this thing. I don't really know. I guess I would like to see him, you know, seeking out at least one thing that will be the start of helping. And I'm not sure what that first step would be, whether it is to seek some, you know, professional help. I think you do know.
37:20Tell me, what is it? See, because here's the thing. We all make the mistake of being like, I want you to start working toward it. That's not specific. You actually have to create a structured thing that he needs to check the box on because while he won't do it for himself, the relationship is important to him. So he will do it for you because you have expressed this boundary. I don't know if that's true or not. What do you mean you don't know if it's true or not? That's where the toxic part comes in, because honestly, like, I just feel like when we have conversations, like because I have kind of approached this similarly to him before.
38:00And he'll say, like, well, this is what we had broken up for a short time recently. Did he leave and pack up and leave the house? Well, it took him a while to pack up until I forced him out. But and then I regretted it. And, you know, because I did you regret it? Because I, of my own toxic traits, I, you know, I want him back. I don't want to be alone. And I, you know, started getting scared because, you know, he was talking to somebody else. And it just, you know, really freaked me out. And I do feel like I love him. I just, I don't know. And then he throws in my face because like, you know, he came back and sometimes he'll be like, well, this is, you know, I don't know.
38:41I need to figure myself out. I told you I need to work myself. But he's not working on himself. That's not what that means. And when we broke up, he wasn't working on himself. He was trying to get into another relationship with somebody who's 10 years younger than him. And his dad lives just shortly down the road. And that's where he was supposed to be up, like residing. And he wasn't, he was like out all the time, wasn't sleeping hardly. You know, he was just, he was really a mess. And then showing up here unannounced and getting, you know, breaking my heart over again and being callous and mean.
39:12I know this is bad. He's not breaking your heart. You're breaking your heart.
39:25why does that make you emotional because i know that's true i feel like i've abandoned myself and you know i've listened to one of your podcasts about the attachment theories i'm definitely um the anxiety version of those you know he's the avoidant and And, you know, I say sorry a million times and I just like want, I just feel like I, you know, need him to love me. And I've been just not being very nice to myself, you know, in the process of that. When it becomes more important for somebody else to love you than it is for you to love yourself, you're in a really toxic dynamic. And I want to commend you on something.
40:23I think deep down, you know this. and what actually scares you is you're starting to tap back into your self-worth and realize that you're better than this dynamic and you deserve better than this dynamic and it scares you because you've never been in a relationship with yourself or with somebody else where there's been a healthy dynamic And I would imagine, I'm willing to guess, that you are attracted to men who are not available because this is what was present in your childhood. Is that true? I'm not sure exactly. I have looked into that. And I'm sure that it is. Well, which one of your parents do you chase more in terms of wanting affection approval?
41:29My mother. And did she feel like she wasn't that available? Yeah. Yeah, she did. Like she was there. And but she, you know, it's kind of like me as a mom right now, which I feel guilty about. you know she kind of cared more about her shows and she you know when you know my parents got a divorce she really wasn't like emotionally present and she was always tougher with her words my dad actually had left the relationship but he you know gives me the world now you know and I just am still trying to like get that relationship back with my mom and I hate to say that because she'll probably watch this and she's been really trying to you know express to me lately like that she's sorry that that's happening again now because she's going through her own personal struggles and right now personally i'm not affected by that i do understand that i'm an adult now and i see things differently and i love her dearly and she's doing a marvelous job how is the dynamic with your boyfriend similar to what it was like when your mom wasn't available
42:40I mean I guess I can only really talk about how I feel with how it is currently because I don't know but I just with with my boyfriend I feel like I'm constantly just trying to be
42:54so great and then he he's gonna turn on me like oh wow you're so great and like I love you you know like you're so great I see what you did and I see how great you are to me and I see you in general and I love you, you know, and I just feel like I'm constantly just trying to do that, you know. You are. That's why it's not enough. You're in a relationship where you're chasing somebody who is not available and who resents you for what you need and who is in so much pain and in such a whole that he can't possibly give you what you need right now. And you just keep telling yourself, so many of us fall into this trap.
43:38Okay, well, if I just try harder, I just do this, or I just do the other thing, then it's going to be okay. And then he's going to be happy. And then he's going to love me. And then it's going to be good. And then he's not going to want that woman who's 10 years younger. And you probably know that he slept with her anyway, while you guys were broken up. And it's technically a broken up. So it didn't really matter. And even though it breaks your heart, you don't really talk about it. Is this the life that you want? No, it's not. and life is too short it's just too short and I want to you know it's just it's too short I see the photos of your best friend on the wall behind you what was her name Molly and what did she die of an overdose what would Molly tell you right now She always told me to get out of this relationship and that I was, you know, I deserve so much better.
44:31It's just so confusing and I just don't know. It's not confusing. It's not confusing at all. You either deserve better or you think you don't. Brooke, which is it? I deserve better. And if you are acting, let's just, I want you to close your eyes. Okay. Close your eyes. and together we're going to travel forward in your mind two years so two years from now it's a beautiful spring day this relationship is behind you or not you get to choose it is the future you and you have spent two years brooke really healing yourself, putting yourself first, and taking actions every single day that show you that you believe you deserve the best, that you love yourself, and that your heart is worth protecting, that you come first.
45:43Tell me what your life looks like. you're waking up what does life look like for the future Brooke two years from now I have no idea about oh my gosh I don't even know I can't even picture that yes you do come on let's picture it together imagine that I'm there with you
46:06I feel like I would feel a lot lighter first of all I would wake up a lot earlier and not feel like I have something to look forward to. I would probably be a lot more successful in my career. And I don't know. How would you do? I would just be happy. I'm proud of myself, I feel. What do you see yourself doing that you're not doing now that makes you proud?
46:42I would be more present with my son.
46:48And I would probably be more present with my friends that I have now that I, you know, don't really engage in as much.
46:57I would show up more for myself. What does that look like? Give me an example of how you're not showing up for yourself right now. I wouldn't have days where I like just like to feel lazy and lay in bed all day binge watch television shows to escape my life I don't know I feel that's one thing I would definitely be not doing I don't know I yes you do stop saying you don't know I just painted a very clear picture can I tell you what you just reflected back yes you'd get up earlier you would be more present with your son you would not lay in bed all day and waste the day binge watching TV. You would be more successful.
47:43You would be proud of yourself. And you would probably wake up and have a day full of things that you were doing, whether it was volunteering or going to do something with your son or spending time with those friends that you don't spend time with right now because you spend all your time trying to fix this guy that doesn't want to be fixed. fixing him will not fix you
48:10you are perfect and lovable exactly how you are and you deserve to have somebody in your life that sees that and that wants to grow with you and i can't do this for you i can tell you that if you break up with him, he will find somebody else because he needs it. And only you can decide, Brooke, whether or not you deserve to put yourself first. And I guarantee you, Molly is sitting there going, girl, break up with him. And what you don't know, because you've never experienced this, is will I be able to put myself first? Will I be okay if I'm alone? And here's my answer to that. You're alone right now.
49:11Just because you have a man living in your house who you're paying for doesn't mean you're in a relationship, you are lonely. You do not see your friends. You have isolated yourself and you have put all of your worth into this guy somehow transforming and giving you something he doesn't have to give right now. And I can tell you that with certainty because his actions demonstrate that.
49:46i agree i agree 100 so what do you see as the next right step
50:02i would probably want to approach it again with him just to see i i just I get so confused because like he is he does do some kind loving things so I want to approach this again with him maybe about the job I think I want to you know tell him like these I want to set that boundary and make it real let's role play I'm gonna be him all right you ready yes all right so how did that thing go with Mel did she tell you to break up with me yep she did no I'm just kidding I knew it I knew that bitch was gonna do that
50:39I don't know. I don't know how to do this, Mel. I'm so sorry. You're probably not going to want to air this. This is terrible. It's not about whether it's good or bad. You and I are practicing. Okay. I just feel so incapable of everything. Well, do you know how you change that? You try.
51:01You have to stop letting the feeling dictate what you do. You have to visualize a happier, more confident Brooke and let her guide you right now. And it's okay to write it down and read it to him. That's probably what I would have to do. Well, let's rehearse this. Let's go. What is the boundary?
51:39I love you, first and foremost. I just feel that I can't sit here anymore and watch you not be your greatest self. I know that you are capable and have done some very amazing things. And I feel you're not showing up right now as that version of yourself for yourself and or for me. And I want to be in this relationship. I it means very much to me, but I am struggling with you not being a part of this with me together. I feel we are on a team right now because of whatever it is that you are going through that's allowing for you to be this. See, I see a lot of words. I say a lot of words. Is this going okay?
52:38I think you're doing fantastic stuff. Just keep talking from your heart. What is it? Tell me. Well, I get that. So what do I need to do? What do you mean? What's happening? I would really like for you to find a job and start working. I've been looking for a job. Where have you been looking for a job? I'm applying online. Oh, okay. Well, have you had anybody reach out to you? No. What can you do about that then? Like, what is it that you can do to put yourself in a position where that's, I don't know what to say. I feel like it's something like that. Oh, my gosh. I'll tell you why it kind of went off the rails.
53:26Okay. Because looking for a job is not something specific. Okay. And he's been doing it for two years and it has not worked. Right. Or he does door dash, but he doesn't door dash. You can pick and choose your schedule in that job. why would you not tell him that he needs to go to therapy for three months once a week? Because that's what you actually want. And that's what you think would make a difference. That's what I was going to say that first. I really was. And I just, I'm scared to say that because I feel like it's not my right. Bullshit. Bullshit. It is your, hold on a second, Brooke. You're paying the fucking bills.
54:05He is living with you. You have let this slide for two fucking years. And I'm going to tell you something else. Maybe he needs you to be stronger than he is. Maybe he needs you to say, I see something better for you. And I'm not going to fucking sit here and watch you flush your life down the toilet. And you clearly have bigger issues than I can help you with. So you either get your fucking ass in therapy and I will pay for it. And you're going to go every week for three fucking months because you're worth it. and you need somebody to help you sort out that bullshit in your head that you're telling yourself that's keeping you down and keeping you isolated from me and keeping you acting like this.
54:45There is a better man inside. And by God, I'm not going to let my son be influenced by somebody who will not pick himself up and do the work. If you can make it through jail for eight fucking years, you can go to a therapist's office once a goddamn week while I pay for it. And you want to know something else, I don't trust you. So I am going to drive you there. And if you're unwilling to do that, you don't deserve to be here with my son. And I am not going to stand here and watch you continue to spiral. I care so much about you that I am willing to say goodbye to you. But what I am not willing to do is sit here and watch you self-destruct.
55:35how's that feel really great i want to be you that was wonderful well you have to get angry yeah you perked up when i said your son so what was it about the example that he is giving to your son that actually lit a fire under your ass brooke he's being influenced that's that's the male role and you know he doesn't have a biological father you know he is being around us all the time he lives with me and he is my world his name's oakley too by the way i wanted oh how old is oakley eight this is pivotal years right now i know he is watching well then fucking do something about it i have to i really have to i don't know why i've allowed myself to do this like i'll tell you why I'll tell you why, honey.
56:28And this is where self-compassion comes in. None of what you're doing is a choice. You are stuck in old patterns based on your childhood. You're scared to death of people leaving you. And your feelings and your fears are making you so hesitant. And the other reason why this is not a choice is you deeply believe you're not worthy of love. and so you don't know how to act as though you deserve it and so if you want to quote be me use me as an avatar and when you start to get those feelings coming up in your body like I can't do this just be like what the fuck would Mel say this is your life Brooke so you got to decide what's right for you.
57:18But I will tell you, if you stay in that feeling emotional space of, I can't do this, I don't know what to say. You're just going to continue to have the same thing. But if you want something different, you got to show up and act in a different way. And since you don't know how to do this for yourself, that's okay. That's okay. your why becomes bigger than you. It's about your son. It's about being that fucking mama bear. And it's about saying both, I love my son so much. And I love you, by the way, that I'm, I'm breaking the fucking chain in this dynamic right now. And since you can't do it, I'm going to tell you what's required.
58:08Does your son deserve a man in his life that will go to therapy for three fucking months to get help. Absolutely. Yes. Well, I mean, yes, the person who really probably deserves someone who doesn't have to do therapy. Personally, I think we should all be in therapy. There's nothing, but if you can afford it, it's the best fucking thing on the planet. You got somebody that is completely objective listening to you go on and on, and then they give you strategies. In fact, if we all talk to a therapist every week, we wouldn't have the problems we have because we'd be sorting through them and working on it and taking steps proactively to make ourselves happier, more fulfilled.
58:54Everybody deserves this. I wish it were universal that we all had access to this. So it's not that he needs it. It's also that he'll benefit from it and your son will benefit from the example and you will benefit for sticking up for yourself. You have to remove the love piece from this. I'm serious. You're getting so caught up in the emotion of, does somebody love me? Am I worthy? Bullshit. If this were your son, would you want him to go to therapy? Absolutely. I have to live in therapy too. So you get to say, Brooke, because you pay the bills, you get to say what happens next. I love you. I'm not going to stand for this.
59:39I love my son too much to continue for this dynamic, this broken dynamic. And you must see a therapist once a fucking week because it's the only thing I can measure. And if you're not willing to do that, this is never going to work. And you might as well move out. You've asked him for two fucking years to get a job. Do not ask him that. That's not working. What are your takeaways from this?
1:00:12well first I feel like you've painted a picture that I do feel in my soul very clearly for me to digest and I do feel very much more confident in going in the direction of I really like that we are going in the direction of the therapy as the ultimatum because I believe that's the most appropriate approach I'm going to do that I feel confident in doing that I feel confident in that for many reasons can I say something that I think will make you feel better instead of the word ultimatum, you're giving him a choice. He makes the choice. You're telling him he has two choices. Choice one is accept the gift and the request that you get support once a week for the next three months, which I will pay for.
1:01:14And choice two is, this doesn't work. Because it hasn't for a long time. And so you are empowering him to choose. that's what a boundary is. It's your line. You know, I remember when Chris was really struggling and I finally said to him, the doctor has recommended that you take medication for depression. And even though, you know, Chris leads men's retreats and he's a hospice volunteer and is in all this counseling and psychology and coaching and never ever had any issue with me taking medication, the second he was like told he probably should do it, all of a sudden he thinks it means he's weak.
1:02:09And I did give him a choice. I'm like, this is not going to work if you don't try that medication for a year.
1:02:18And he got to make the choice.
1:02:23And you can give him a deadline, but you're going to have to hold him to it.
1:02:31How do you feel in the framing of it as you are presenting option A or option B? I think that's that I feel good about that. I feel like it'll tell me my answer. Yeah. Like if you ever want to know what somebody is actually committed to, close your ears and don't listen to a damn thing they say. Yeah. Watch what they do. that scares me a little bit but i feel like it's time to put my big girl pants on and deal with whatever he chooses because he does have the right and i'm giving him you know the option to choose and what he chooses is going to tell me what i you know can invest in for any much more time you know because my time's valuable that's right brooke you're having this conversation, not as Brooke, but as Oakley's mother.
1:03:27And it's time you put Oakley first. He deserves more. He needs his mother. And this is a win for him either way, because he either sees his mother stand up and have the strength to support a man in getting into therapy and healing and holding him to it. Or he sees a mom who cares so much about him that she does not tolerate bullshit like this. And so if you go in as Mama Bear Brook, and you're doing this for Oakley, it's a win-win either way, because he either sees you change a relationship and stick up for yourself, and it feels the love and the safety from you, or he sees the same thing. Right.
1:04:40I love you. I love you too, Mel. I believe in you. Thank you. And I want to also come back to this point that sometimes in life, the people that we think we're helping actually need the push. Because just like you're trapped in your own past patterns of feeling and emotion. He is too. That doesn't mean you let him off. It actually means that you see higher potential. So you're going to raise the fucking bar for both of you. You're doing this for you and Oakley and you're doing it for him. And he'll make his choice as to whether or not he can raise the bar too. And he might not. And that's okay.
1:05:29Right. I'll be okay. you're going to be more than okay honey you're going to be fucking fantastic
1:05:41what are you thinking i just feel good i'm so grateful i do i feel like i said i feel so good i feel like i could take you know over the world right after this well you know look the fear is going to be there and you're going to have the conversation anyway. And the feelings are going to be there, Brooke, and you're going to feel overwhelmed and you're going to talk through them. And I would highly recommend that you put down some bullets on a piece of paper. Why are you having this conversation? This is a really important bullet. because it's a you know the way it's impacting bothly and myself and him too as a person it's time to get this process started you know what i mean he needs to start his healing process and i will respect that and i understand that i and i'll support it but i want to see it actually starting and actually being a real thing.
1:06:47Not, you know, sorry, I didn't do well with the bullet part thing. No, Brooke, stop making yourself wrong. You did amazing. Because here's the thing. The second that you're willing to let him walk out the door, you have opened up the door to a whole new you. You need to stop trying to keep him. You got to be willing to let someone leave.
1:07:19Because the second that you're willing to let him walk out that door, he is now free to choose whether or not he's going to stay and show up. You said it beautifully. I got to do this for me.
1:07:39I deserve someone. who is growing with me and who can accept my support and who is taking responsibility for their own stuff. And the only way I'm going to know that these things are handled is if I see you going to therapy once a week with a professional to get the support you deserve. That's it. that was great you're great oh my gosh and here's the other thing i want you to understand brooke expect to feel uncomfortable expect to cry you're feeling excited now i promise you the second he walks back and he's like whatever you're gonna be like expect it because then you won't be as freaked out when the emotions flood okay i think i should do this right now okay oh boy because otherwise five four three two one if he doesn't immediately be like i'm in that's kind of your answer if he's like i gotta think about it be like great we're gonna have breakfast tomorrow morning and you're gonna tell me whether you're gonna start your healing somewhere else with somebody else or if you're going to accept this gift i'm giving you and this request I'm making.
1:09:09That's it. That's it. I've got to raise the game here. We're going to play a bigger game. Do you have any questions, any other questions or concerns or anything else that's rattling around other than shit, should I have the conversation now? No, I don't think so. Other than, I mean, if you want to, you know, I'll bet you we can, you know, meet weekly and we can, you know he might I'm just kidding oh my goodness well I will meet weekly I'm here every Monday and every Thursday for you and it always feels so good well what's happening is see I think everybody on the planet wants one thing you want to live a life where you feel like your best and your truest self, every one of us, we all just want to live our lives feeling like we can express our best, truest selves.
1:10:11That's it. That's it. And so does your boyfriend, by the way. We don't want to give up the stuff that feels good that we're doing that are, you know, self-destructive. That's the bitch. That's the bitch. But here's the thing. You're also doing this because you know it doesn't feel good for him to live like this. True, right. You're not trying to fix him. You are holding up a light and saying there is a bigger possibility here. And your actions have demonstrated that you're not going to do that on your own. Right. That's it. Okay, you're going to do great. Remember, Molly and I and everybody listening are your guardian angels holding up the light.
1:10:59You can do this. I promise you, you can do this. And I want to know how it goes. Okay. Okay. Thank you so much. I love you. I'm really proud of you. And Oakley's a really lucky little guy to have such an awesome mom. Thank you, Mel. You're welcome, darling.
1:11:25I hope that our conversation today has been a wake-up call for you too. That you've got the tools now to spot those moments where you're being used or where you're just in a situation where the people around you are used to things the old way and you now are tapping into something greater for yourself. And what's exciting about seeing a bigger vision for your own life is that it does elevate what you see in terms of the potential in people that you love. And that's a really good thing. But remember, when you're the one that wants to change the situation, it's your responsibility to lay out the plan that is specific that gets you there.
1:12:10And I think one of the biggest things that I want both you and I to remember is that people aren't in our lives so that we can grip onto them. We're also not meant to be everybody's caretakers. Just because the situation works for somebody else doesn't mean you got to continue to tolerate it. You can demand higher standards for yourself. And then you got to be willing to let somebody walk out the door. You got to be willing to let them say, I'm not ready to heal. I'm not ready to do that. I don't want to do that. Fuck you. That's okay. Because when you let somebody walk out the door, you actually open up a whole new possibility for you.
1:12:51Because these conversations are not really about changing somebody else. It's about changing you. It's about you practicing the highest and the most courageous self-expression. It's about you requesting what you need in your life. And when you do that from a place of love for yourself, for those around you, and even for the person that you're laying this choice out for, trust me, everything works out exactly how it's meant to. Because you are raising the game for yourself. And I love that when you do that. And a final note on being used. You're only being used if you allow it. I mean, come on now.
1:13:35I I didn't really say this to Crystal or Brooke, but you're allowing shit if you continue to sit in the situation. You got two feet. You can walk out the door. You will be just fine on your own. But if you're staying in something that doesn't work and you know it, you're not being used because you're participating in it. It's time to level up your own ass. And maybe that means you're the one that's supposed to walk out the door. boom that's the door shutting behind you that sound good all right in case nobody else tells you i believe in you i do i know you can do this you can raise the game and i love you i love you for so many things and uh go do it okay put yourself first i'll talk to you in a few days you're awesome
1:14:48Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
From the publisher
Today, you and I are calling BS on partners, friends, siblings, colleagues, and roommates who ride on your coattails, mooch off your generosity, and love the fact that you do everything. (While they do next to nothing.…)
It’s time to take your power back with 5 actionable takeaways to get people in your life to step up and do their part.
I’m not messing around. The first person you’ll meet in this episode is tired of being the only one holding her family together.
And during the second coaching session I get even more intense with a woman whose boyfriend hasn’t had a job in three years.
Hear me loud and clear: by enabling other people, you are part of the problem.
There are 5 things you need to know that will change this dysfunction now.
Clear your schedule for the next hour because you and I have an appointment where you, my friend, will learn how to lay down the law and start putting yourself first.
Xo Mel
Can’t ask for what you need? Listen to “How to Speak Up for Yourself.”
In this episode, you will learn:
- 3:00: Do you have people in your life who rely on you a little too much?
- 4:30: Maybe you’re being used or maybe it’s this instead.
- 7:00: Is it time for you to be the parent now?
- 10:00: This is how to get your entire family on the same page.
- 14:00: Your siblings will understand your expectations if you do this.
- 17:15: Do this to make people feel that they’re doing the right thing.
- 21:30: Have a partner that isn’t pulling their weight? You need to hear this.
- 35:00: This is how you start a conversation when it’s time to set boundaries.
- 38:30: In a toxic partnered relationship? This is the truth bomb you need.
- 40:15: Has it become more important to be loved than to love yourself?
- 44:45: Let me coach you through this exercise to help you change your future.
- 48:00: Another truth bomb you need to hear today, no matter what you’re doing.
- 51:45: Listen to Brooke set a courageous boundary for the first time.
- 54:00: Keep little ears away, because this is what tough f’n love sounds like.
- 56:30: Stop letting your patterns make choices for you and step up.
- 1:00:45: Use this word instead of “ultimatum” when it’s time for that.
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