How to Become a Better Human: Lessons on Kindness, Love, and Happiness (From a 10-Year-Old)

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:08Today, you're about to meet someone who is so important to me. I just love this guy. Every single time he opens his mouth, I'm like, truth bomb, holy cow, why do I learn something every time I talk to you? He just has this simple wisdom. You know, you talk to him about a situation that you're in and it's like, boom, well, that was exactly what I needed to hear. And the fact is, I have been wanting to get him on the Mel Robbins podcast for over a year because I know you're going to love him as much as I do. And every time I talk to him, I just feel better. I smile. And today, he's here. Can you hear me smiling as I'm talking to you?

0:48I'm so excited because he flew all the way from the West Coast. It took me so long to get him here because he's been so busy. And I had to get permission from his parents. He's 10 years old.

1:08Welcome. It's your friend, Mel. I'm so happy you're here. Whether you've been listening for a while or someone that you love sent you this episode and you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast family, welcome. You are going to absolutely love listening to this episode today. And I'm particularly excited because I know so many of you listen to the Mel Robbins podcast while you've got your families around or you're driving in the car with kids. And this episode in particular is absolutely perfect for you to listen to with the kids in your life, whether they're in elementary school or middle school.

1:45And I cannot wait for you to meet our guest today. His name is Elton. He is one of my most favorite people on the planet. and the reason why I love him is because he just has this simple wisdom. You ask him his perspective about any situation or anything going on in the world and it's like boom that was exactly what I needed to hear and as I mentioned this conversation has been over a year in the making because first Elton had to finish the fourth grade and second I had to get him out here and so he came out to visit his grandparents and I was like, Elton, let's make this a twofer. And so here he is.

2:22I have known Elton his entire life. I've been wanting him to be on the podcast. I cannot wait for you to hear the simple wisdom and the fact that he has all these little sayings that are actually tools and you're going to want to steal them. The way he describes things in particular that kids struggle with, it's going to help your kids and it will definitely help you. So here's how this is going to work. I'm going to ask Elton a few questions. And as I ask Elton questions, I invite you and the people that you love who are listening along with you to answer these questions for yourself too, because I guarantee you what pops into your mind is going to surprise you.

3:05So without further ado, please help me welcome Elton to the Mel Robbins podcast. Thank you for inviting me. I always wanted to be on a podcast. So tell me, first off, how old are you? 10 years old. And what grade are you going into? Fifth. And one of the reasons why I wanted to talk to you, Elton, is because you are one of my all-time favorite human beings. Thank you. You're one of my at least top five. Top five? Top five. You're on my Mount Rushmore. I am? I've never thought of it that way. I love that. Did you hear that? Steal that. Steal that. Can you imagine if you turned to some of your favorite people and you're like, top five, you're on my Mount Rushmore.

3:58When I'm having a bad day, I just think of my top five and your mug is right up there. Oh, Elton, I'm stealing that right now. I'm going to tell Chris and Sawyer and Kendall, you're my top five. You're my Mount Rushmore. You're the best. Now, before we jump into the way that you think about life in middle school and some of the things that are going on that you wish adults would know, which is what I cannot wait to hear you answer. I'm so curious about what you wish adults would know. First, Elton, I would just love for everyone to get to know you a little bit more. What do you like to do in your free time?

4:31So I like to play some sports, but I'm also a video gamer. What does that mean? So like I play some Pokemon, I play some Super Mario. I play some baseball, some soccer. And then in real life, I also play some baseball, some soccer, some football. And it's just really fun, at least what I think I'm doing. And I'm a people person. Do you think you were born that way? Just always been that way? Because I've always been very interactive. Even since I was five, I was going up to strangers and I like your shoes. Do you think it's important to compliment other people and be nice to other people? Yeah, because like, it's kind of like karma because like...

5:16It's kind of like what? Karma. Oh. Like, if you don't share with someone, then they're not going to share with you or they're not going to be kind with you. Because like, if I, if I like start like picking on a kid and they're not going to want to be friends with me because I'm picking on them. Like, if I was kind to that kid, then maybe they would want to be friends with me. But if I'm not, then they won't. that's true so kind of what energy you put out there comes back to you yeah usually usually yeah that is so cool now I want to ask you this next question and I want to invite you as you're listening along to think about your own answer too because this is a really important question what do you think makes life special well at least all i know we only get like one chance and you gotta make it good because if you just decide to be a jerk all your all your life then like what what have you really accomplished because like you're not being kind to people you're not going to have many friends at least.

6:25And like we know how friends helps your mental state. We know that. And so then you're going to be usually like depressed. And like that just doesn't feel good, does it? So if someone doesn't be a jerk and they're super kind, they're going to have lots of friends. They're going to be invited to a bunch of stuff. rather if you're a jerk nobody wants to be friends with you you're not going to get invited to stuff because you're just going to be like a party pooper and like yeah like you're not going to live life that the way you probably want to got it and what do you think is the most important thing in life kind being kindness yeah because like that that just that determines it all usually because like if you're not kind then people don't want to be friends and then that leads into a whole different story and then you argue a lot and then you're mad at people and then you get mad at yourself and then that leads to sadness and like that's just not very fun so you're absolutely right olden you know i think a lot of adults are probably nodding in agreement with you right now.

7:47Because if you don't have friends, or if life is not going how you think it should go, then you argue a lot, then you get mad, and that leads to sadness. I know I've experienced that in my life. So I love that you're bringing this up. Don't let other people dictate your mood. And absolutely, do not be a jerk to yourself or anyone else. Yeah. So here's my next question to you, Elton. And I also want, as you're listening, to you consider this question too. What makes you truly happy? Friends. My friends. Yeah, like they are the nicest people I've ever met. And like, they are just super kind, super supportive.

8:32Like they're into what I'm into. And like, they are just so nice. You know, I have some great friends like that too, and I think you're right. Friends do make all the difference. Friends make the best parts of life even better, and you know what else they do? They make the crappy parts. I know I can say that word to you. They make the crappy parts of life better too. Yeah. So here's my next question for you, Elton, and this one's for you too as you're listening. How do you handle the days when you're feeling a little sad or a little lonely? I try to interact with not kids, adults. Like I try to like hang out with some adults.

9:13It's kind of like a safe place too. I think that's a great idea. Do you tell people when you're sad and lonely? I tell my mom and my dad, not like just random strangers or like, like I don't tell like my uncle or someone. I tell my mom and my dad, those are like my safe keeps. Safe keeps? I freaking love that. These are like your home bases. These are the people that you feel safe with, your safe keeps. I love this. First, I got my top five. Now I got my safe keeps. Chris is definitely my safe keeps. I agree with you. I think telling someone that you're feeling sad or lonely is the single best step you can take to be happy again.

9:53And here's what I'm getting from you, Alden, is that you have this amazing and unique perspective about happiness. and I want to try to just share what I'm picking up on. Yeah. Happiness comes from being with other people. You talked about spreading happiness through this intentional action and decision to be kindness with other people. You've also talked about how your friends make you happy and about how telling your mom and dad that you're sad and lonely is your first step to feeling happy again, to having those safe keeps in your life. So I want to thank you for highlighting that for me and for the person listening, that happiness can be like a group sport.

10:36And I know you love sports, Elton, so I know you're gonna like give me permission to say happiness is a group sport. What a beautiful way to think about it. That's not just on you, that you can rely on your teammates in your life, your top five, your Mount Rushmore, your safe keeps. And what I want to zero in on is what you said about their first step to becoming happy again. Because first of all, you're not going to be happy all the time. Life is about ups and downs. There are moments when you're going to feel sad and that's perfectly normal. But I think that a lot of times when you become an adult, you put so much pressure on yourself to be happy or to be in a better mood or to snap out of it.

11:21But what you're saying is the first step in feeling happier or less alone is to recognize that you aren't feeling happy. And then it's to tell someone. Don't try to change how you're feeling. Just tell someone. And you probably didn't know this, Elton, but what you're saying is proven by the research. Isn't that kind of cool? That there are so many studies that have proven that simply telling another person how you feel can make you feel better. And this goes for every one of us. I don't care how old you are, whether you're a kid who's listening right now, or you're a teenager, or you're in college, or you're in middle age or school, or you're adult.

12:08I mean, these studies have been done on all ages that people feel better when they share their feelings. Maybe that's why I feel better when I talk to you, Elton, because you're always sharing how you feel. Yeah. Thank you for that. What do you think people should do to be happier? To be happy? I do do this, but not a lot. Spend less time on your phone and scrolling and scrolling because what is that going to do for you? You're just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling when you could have time outside, making new friends, playing, talking. Elton, I could not agree with you more. And I also know that your mom and dad are very strict about this.

12:55But I love that you're sharing this because there's this huge movement right now around the research and what scientists and psychologists have figured out about the impact that the phone is having on kids. and on teenagers. And the research is really, really scary that being on your phone too much can cause a depressed mood. It can cause a spike in anxiety. It makes you feel lonelier, not more connected. It's everything that you were just talking about. Once again, you have this ability, Elton, to describe the experience that you're feeling as a 10-year-old that is validated by all of this science and all of this research.

13:44And beyond the science, as I sit here and I listen to you, you just know it's true. And I'm sure as you were listening to Elton, you're nodding your head too, whether you're a parent or you're the kid who's listening and you're Elton's age or a little bit older, you're like, he's right. I know he's right. And yet I scroll and I scroll and I scroll. And it's not just kids. It's for all of us. And here's the simple truth. If you want to be happier, get off your phone. Your life is not on your phone. Your life is lived off your phone. The people that you want to connect with are on your phone, but make plans to connect with them off your phone.

14:24Use the phone as a device to improve your life, not to escape your life and to create more loneliness and anxiety and comparison. So Elton, I love, love, love the fact that you, as a 10-year-old, are saying this. Like, wake up, everybody. We know what's good for us. It's time to actually do what's good for us. So Elton, what do you think people should do to be happier? I know you've already just shared the fact that if you're feeling sad, you need to tell somebody. And that'll make you feel a little happier. But let's just say you wake up, it's a normal day, things are going okay. what do you think people should do to be a little happier?

15:09Well, I did this and I do this. I go to therapy. Like I actively go to therapy. And like that helps a lot with my mental state and it helps a lot with being happier. So Elton, since you mentioned the fact that you go to therapy and it really helps your mental state and you are one of the most positive people I know. I would love to hear you share a little bit more about what you get out of therapy or why you went, like just what you're comfortable with. I am comfortable. So I went to therapy because of that. I just didn't feel happy because like I didn't have many friends and like I was getting a little picked on and like bullied And like, so I just decided to go to therapy and it really helped in my mental state and really helped me be a better person.

16:09I still go because I know it helps me be a better person. Wow. I mean, I go to therapy. I love talking to my therapist. It's one of the reasons why I'm a better mom and I'm a better friend. And I like myself more because I have somebody that I can talk to. Talk to about like everything. on us yeah like they're your safe person like that you can just like let it all dump out yeah and I think it's easier for me I don't know how you feel but I think it's easier for me to just dump it all out with somebody that I'm not related to you know or that's not a friend yeah they they don't know your friends but like therapists are really trustworthy yeah therapists or kind of like if you give somebody like a very dirty shirt and after like two weeks, which in therapy is like a year or something, that shirt is going to be so clean.

17:09You're the best. You're the best. It's true. Because if you keep it all inside, it just... If you keep bottling it up, then you're going to have so many bottles and you're just going to feel so sad because you have all of this still in you. Yeah. Rather just taking some of it out. And like, I know you might still want to bottle things up. And like, you can bottle some stuff up, just not too much. Yeah. Like, I have bottled things up and that hasn't hurt me. But when I bottled too much stuff up, that hurt me. Elton. Man, I feel like going preach. Preach Elton. And I absolutely am guilty of that.

17:56You know who's really guilty of that? Chris. Yep, Chris. Godfather Chris is, your godfather is guilty of that. He is a bottler upper. I don't even know if that's an adjective, Elton, but I'm running with it. And I have a few things bottled up right now that I need to get out. And for you listening, I just want you to be honest with yourself. like search around inside and notice are you bottling anything up is there any tension that you're holding or something that you are carrying around that you wish you could say to a friend or to somebody in your family or some feelings that you have that you don't know how to talk about so you just bottle them up is there anything that you just kind of push down and you feel like okay okay, well, if I just don't talk about it or I just don't think about it, maybe it'll go away.

18:49You know, maybe you've been doing it for too long and maybe it's time to let it out. Like, can you find a safe keep? Is there anyone on your top five or your Mount Rushmore? Or maybe like Elton did, it's time to admit to yourself, I'm just not as happy as I want to be. Like, I want to work on this and I want some help. And so I need to go talk to somebody, like a therapist, or maybe you need to journal about it. I don't know. What could you do? This is the point I think that Elton's making. Bottling stuff up doesn't work. Yeah. Just trying to ignore it doesn't work. Elton's right. Bottling your feelings hurts you.

19:33It makes you more stressed. It makes you more angry. It makes you more sad. It makes you feel more alone because you're sitting alone with your feelings. And that's why you need to talk to somebody about them. So if you have something that you've been bottling up and you're tired of it, today's the day. Find your safe keep. Find your Mount Rushmore's and your top fives and go talk to them. And if you've got somebody in your life that you're a little concerned that they're bottling something them up. Why don't you share this episode to them? With a little note that if there's anything you want to talk about, I'm your safe keep.

20:15And after you listen to this, you'll know what I mean. I love that, Elton. Thank you. Thank you. It is the secret to feeling better. Just not holding it all in. So let me ask you, Elton, do you feel better now that you're not bottling things up? I do and like bottling stuff up and this is a terrible comparison but it's like eating grapes what do you mean it's like eating grapes you know if you have too many grapes your stomach hurt hurts yes if I'm gonna have six grapes that's okay but if I'm gonna have 20 grapes like my stomach's gonna hurt

21:00wow how do you think people should think about going to talk to a therapist or going because it's because because i think you know like when somebody's like you know you should probably go to see a therapist you're kind of like what am i like a big loser yes yeah that's offensive like because like it's like are you saying something's wrong with me like maybe you maybe you say like, hey, everything feeling all right? And then they say no. And then you say, oh, maybe you should go to like therapy. Maybe I mean, I might go or something. So then you kind of like pin the blame on yourself while also pinning it on them.

21:37Great. So it doesn't feel like, oh, you need to go to therapy. It's like, instead of like. How about this? What if you said, do you think it would help if you went to there? If you, if you talk to somebody about how you're feeling? And then they say, what, like a therapist? And then you say like, yeah, sure. Whatever you like, whatever you think it'll help. And so maybe that therapist is like your mom. Maybe that therapist is like your aunt. Maybe it's your uncle. Maybe it's like your grandpa, but like you have to usually talk to somebody about your feelings to make you feel better. Absolutely.

22:16You cannot sit with the feelings and talk to yourself. Because what's that going to do? You're not going to let them go and then they come back to you. You got to let them go to somebody and then they fix it and they give it back to you. Correct. It's like that shirt analogy. Exactly. And the other thing is, is that since the person that you're talking to has worked with and seen and talked to so many people that have felt exactly how you felt, they actually know you can get better. Yeah, because they have experience doing this. When you were sad, and I realize that your mom's a therapist, but when they were like, do you want to go to therapy?

22:55Were you like, what? Or did you, were you like? I said like, sure, like why not? And like, I didn't want to go the first couple of days because I thought it was like boring and like, because all we had to do was talk about our feelings. But then I actually feel better because what we do is, at least in my therapy office, we play, we have this one game that we play. We play Guess Who while talking about her feelings. Really? Yeah. How's it work? So we, like, we play some regular Guess Who. We play, like, does this person have orange hair? Is this person a man? But in between the turns, we talk about, like, so how's blank been?

23:40Or how is... Oh, how's school been? Yeah. So like you kind of shove it in there with the games. Sneaky. I like it. Yeah. That's good. And then so as you're like chatting about something else, you all of a sudden find yourself just chatting about how you feel about school. Exactly. Super smart strategy. I love it. And I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. Yeah. And while you're listening to this, share this to someone who needs this. Maybe share it to like a cousin, a kid, an uncle, an aunt, anyone who you think this will benefit from. Share it with them because there is no downside to listening to this.

24:21There's a huge upside. Exactly. Exactly. And we'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with us.

24:35Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and I'm here with my friend Elton. And we are on the Mel Robbins podcast. So Elton, is there anything else that you've learned talking to somebody who's a therapist about yourself? Well, I didn't talk to a therapist about this, but last year I was diagnosed with dysgraphia. Oh yeah, Oakley has that. that's what I was going to say. Oakley has it. It's a language-based learning. So like I have to like, I can't really write as well. Me either. So like I get to type and like voice type and it just really helped me because at the beginning of the year in fourth grade, I was like skipping class, not because I was a bad kid, because I didn't, like I couldn't learn, not because I didn't want to, because I couldn't, like I physically couldn't learn.

25:34So my teachers just thought I was like a bad kid. They misjudged me is what my mom said. But then at the end of the year, I got diagnosed and they were like, oh, so that's what's wrong with that kid. Well, it's not even what's wrong. It's what's like the difference. Yeah. Because there's a huge difference between I can't learn and I don't want to learn. True. Because like if you can't learn, then like, yes, you want to learn, but you like can't. Like there is no like, oh, I'm just not going to listen. I'm trying to listen, but like I can't. You know what I love about what you just said? I've never heard anybody say it that way, but you're right.

26:21I can't learn based on how you're trying to teach me. Yeah. But if you change the method of the teaching, it's easy to learn. Yes. And do you know that Oakley... went to a dysgraphic and dyslexic school, right? Yep. And he was diagnosed in the fourth grade, just like you. That's awesome. And did you know that I also am dyslexic? No. Yes. And I did not find out, Elton, until I was 46 years old. Imagine going through life. Was it like really hard? You know what was really hard? is I couldn't understand why things were so hard. Yeah, in like K through third, everything was like easy enough that it was hard, but I got through it.

27:12Yes. And then in fourth grade, it was like everything was so hard for everybody. And so that was just like, instead of a slap, that was like a punch. Yes. And like, I couldn't like recover. And then at the end of the year, I finally realized, oh, that's why that's, has been so hard for my life because I have this. Yes. And, you know, I think about it now, and I was able to get through high school just fine. And then I went to a very competitive college. Which one? Dartmouth. And I got there, and it was like, oh, God. I can't do this. I can't do this. And I would skip classes. I would just make it worse.

27:58I would pull these all-nighters. I would leave things to the last minute because I was avoiding it. And then you start to feel like there's something wrong with me. Yeah. If there's something you hate, like you want to do it earlier so you don't have that in your mind, but really what your brain wants you to do is stay away from it as long as possible, but then it gets stronger and stronger. And like, if you just deal with it right then and there, then it might take you a while and it might be really hard, but at least you did it. Elton, I'm so proud of you. I am so proud. You are just the coolest.

28:40I feel better talking to you. I'm so proud of you. Oh, my God. I have this other question for you. If you could give one piece of advice to adults so they could have an even better relationship with their kids, what would it be? I mean, like, for a lot of my life, my parents have been super, super nice. But there's some moments where I wish they did push me more because I know I could do it. So, like, encouraging your children is, like, a huge part. But, like, you really have to hit them with, like, the double whammy. The double whammy? what's the double whammy Elton? Like let's say like they have like a learning difference and it's like yes you can do whatever you want and yes you are awesome but some people will like pick on you because of this.