How to Handle Difficult People: 7 Psychological Tricks to Read Anyone, Spot a Liar & Stay in Control

22:04Mel Robbins:I think that's a hundred percent right. And what's interesting about you reflecting back on just the, that literally 10 seconds was that today I'm exhausted. I mean, we've been hosting my parents. We've got all kinds of stuff going on. I'm more tired than normal. I was up late talking to my daughter in Los Angeles, who's going through like a really rough thing right now. And so I am happy to hear that I just instinctually walked over to you and that the experience for you was that I was open. I was warm because I know that's who I am, but I didn't think about how I would greet you. And so it's interesting to hear how many data points you had in that short interaction.

22:51Mel Robbins:And also it is true. I think we walk in and you feel the energy of someone. And if it's warm and inviting, you're immediately at ease. But if somebody is a little stiff or crossed arms or formal or tense, then you start to go, oh my God, something's wrong with me. You know, like, I think we reflect it back on ourselves. What's wrong with me? Yes. Right. So what should we do instead? I think quiet and just, so here you're going to absorb people. And I'm not talking about empathy where you take everybody's stuff on and then you feel like garbage later. That's not what I'm talking about. But when I say absorb, I mean, feel people's energy.

23:32People give stuff off. It's a real thing. It's a legit thing. Feel it. Number one, the two is body language. So your body language, you're open your arms were open they were out they weren't in your pockets you you were your body language communicated what your words communicated they were in harmony so what you said to me evie i'm so happy you're here thank you so much i'm so excited that mirrored what your body did so there was so right in that moment i'm like it's all genuine it's not a formality i'm not another guest like hey okay you know all right get her in there and you immediately stepped forward where maybe your, your, your, your team could have taken me, brought me in here and you could have made your entrance.

24:13Evie. Hi, I'm Mal. How are you? Some people do that.

24:17Mel Robbins:Right. You did none of that. So when somebody gives you either weird energy or they are kind of open, but body language is off and you're reading something's off, pay attention to it. First, don't make it about you. Okay. Because that's when we're like, they don't like me. They don't this, they don't that. And that's where you start going down that rabbit hole. Yes. And then that's like it's good to be self-reflective, but not so self-focused because then we start to make everything about us. And sometimes most of the time, nothing to do with us. So allow people to be and look at them, listen to them.

24:53How are you today? You can ask like simple questions. Tell me about your morning. How's everything going well? And then people can reveal slowly, you know what? I really had a tough morning or, oh, this is going on. I was up late. And then now you know what's going on with that person. So we want to, we want to see if people are off harmony, meaning what you're saying and what you're showing me with your body. And then also what I feel from you is not in harmony. I just have to pay attention and we don't call people out ever.

25:22Mel Robbins:Like, I mean, as in that's a rule, don't call somebody out. Like, Hey, you see, you know, I just want to be careful because sometimes we think like, I know all this body language stuff, right. And I'm going to call everybody out and be like, And I know when you say this or when you look away, you just looked away. And that must mean it's like those cues are there for you to gather information, not for you to kind of reflect back to someone and be like, let me show you how much I'm paying attention to you and how smart I am. So despite me having this background, I never tell people what I see. I told you because you asked me, but I don't tell people you want to make people feel uncomfortable.

26:00Tell them you want to make people feel like you're analyzing them. tell them. You want to make people feel that you think you're better than them? Tell them. We don't need to do that. It's for you to understand the people around you and who you're dealing with so you can make smarter decisions with people. That's what this is for.

26:19Mel Robbins:Does that make sense? It makes a lot of sense. And what I'm gathering so far is that there is all this power in settling yourself and observing and in letting people show you and not reacting. And, you know, you said something really important. You're meeting somebody for the first time. You're in a situation where you're on a date or you're meeting your significant other's parents for the first time, or you're going on an interview or whatever. You're pitching a client, interviewing a babysitter, the baseline and just giving yourself permission to observe, to get data and not read anything weird as if it has to do with you is a power move.

27:03Mel Robbins:And I think a big mistake a lot of us make is that when somebody else is off, we let it make us get off. And what you're saying is absolutely not just observe, keep being in the mode, pretend you're like, it's almost like, cause I think of about a secret service agent. And I think about dark suits, sunglasses in the corner, seen, maybe definitely not heard. And so there's a cool confidence that comes from doing this in your life. Are there any cues, though, that for you over the years became kind of a telltale? Like I had always heard, for example, that if people look away, they're lying to you, which of course made me go, wait a minute, I have ADHD.

27:40Mel Robbins:A lot of times I will look away, gather my thoughts, come back. I also think it can be really disarming for people if you're staring right at them, like a prosecutor or an attorney that's cross-examining somebody. but are there telltale signs with the eyes? So this is like such BS, the whole eye thing. It's like, I know, like it's a marketing thing. Think of it this way. How can everybody do the same exact thing with their eyes? Like if we're preaching diversity and we're all so different and we're all so unique, then how on earth is everybody going to behave the same way? So here's the thing with eye contact.

28:15How a person does eye contact depends on that person. I could have grown up shy. I could have grown up being told I was stupid. I could have grown up being hit a lot. So how I'm going to look at someone is going to be kind of a marker of everything I've experienced in my life. That's why that doesn't make sense. I could have ADHD or autism. There could be so many reasons. So the thing with eye contact is there's two parts. One part is when you're looking at people, let people be. Like, you know, sometimes you ever have a serious conversation, maybe with your kids and you're trying to talk to them and they're doing the they're doing this on you.

28:57And you're like, look at me when I talk to you. You want to try to refrain from doing that because that's just them releasing stress, releasing energy. You're also getting a really good baseline on what they do when they're stressed out. Oh, yes. Now, when you want to teach them, hey, when you talk to people, I want you to have good eye contact because it conveys trust. It conveys authority. That's different. So we're talking two different lanes. One lane is reading people. Just let people be. Don't correct them. Let them go where they're going to go. They'll show you. So before you asked me a question before we started, what did you ask me, Mel?

29:32You asked me, what am I excited about, right? And I had nothing. But I broke eye contact with you and I looked down because you know what I was doing? I was searching my mental Rolodex. And I'm like, do I? But I had to break eye contact to do that so I could really go into my head. I'm not about to lie to you. That's just what I do. so that's reading people right now eye contact when it comes to you right right now i'm your guest so even though i would presume that maybe eye contact's hard for you but you're like evie's my guest i want her to know i'm here and i'm present so i'm going to do everything i can to keep eye contact because it shows i value her it shows i'm here that i'm present that's separate and so eye contact for you as an individual like if you're going out there for an interview or a and you're really trying to build trust, eye contact hands down builds trust.

30:23It's just we're wired that way. If you're looking at me, it means that I can trust you, right? So those are two things. Reading people, we leave them alone, but we pay attention to what they do. So now you know, every time I ask Evy a question where she has to think about something, it's likely she's going to do what? Break eye contact because she's searching her mental Rolodex. That's just what she does. Yep. But when it comes to how I show up, I'm going to be here. I'm going to be present. I'm going to look at you. I'm going to show you, Mel, you matter to me. Mel, you can trust me because I'm going to look at you.

30:57And it's also a great way to show respect

30:59Mel Robbins:to people. Evie, I am learning so much from you. This feels like a great time to take a break so that we can hear a short word from our sponsors, but don't you dare go anywhere because Evie is going to teach you how to read people. And then where we're going next is really deep and you don't want to miss this. Stay with us.

31:20Mel Robbins:You know those times where your cat or your dog is being all kooky and stubborn? Let them. Because that's when they're at their lovable best. To be their best crazy selves, pets need the right nutrition. The kind they can get from a canna pet food. The people at a canna are as stubborn as the pets they feed. They never compromise. They never take shortcuts. They never accept second best. They insist on high quality meats like pasture-raised beef and all sorts of farm fresh fruits and vegetables like butternut squash, whole cranberries, and golden turmeric. If you want whole food nutrition for your pet, turn over a pack of Acana and read the list of ingredients.

32:00Mel Robbins:You wouldn't normally want to do that with pet foods, but Acana is different. You'll be blown away by all the healthy foods in there. Acana is stubbornly good. And you can find out more about their ingredients and where to buy it at acana.com. That's A-C-A-N-A dot com. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app where you can bank, borrow, and invest all in one place. Let's talk bank accounts for a second. The average bank savings rate is 0.39 % in interest. You're earning pennies on your savings, but it doesn't have to be that way. But with SoFi's high-yield checking and savings, the money barely making moves sitting in your savings account can earn over eight times the national average savings rate with eligible direct deposit.

32:48Mel Robbins:No account or overdraft fees. We love transparency. You can get your paycheck up to two days early. Plus, get up to a$300 welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Sign up for SoFi Checking and Savings at SoFi.com slash Mel. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank and a member FDIC. Terms apply. I want to tell you about our sponsor, Noble. Noble is a footwear brand built for training and daily life. They have these incredible all-day knit shoes that are perfect for running errands, working out, and everything in between. It means you don't need to switch shoes throughout your day.

33:30Mel Robbins:The all-day knit from Noble gives you one less thing to think about. And by the way, you need fewer things to think about and fewer things that get in your way. That's the whole idea behind Noble, a footwear brand that's designed to support you as you build your physical, mental, and emotional strength. Because real strength, it's not built on perfect conditions. You build it in the middle of real life when you're busy moving from one thing to the next and you just keep showing up. You just need the all-day knit for your whole day. exclusively for the Mel Robbins podcast listeners, No Bull is offering 35 % off your first order.

34:06Mel Robbins:Visit nobullproject.com and use code MEL for 35 % off your entire first order. That's www.nobullproject.com and use code MEL for 35 % off.

34:32Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. And you and I are here today with secret service agent, Evie Pamporis. We are talking about how you can read people, detect lies, and tap into your power. So, Evie, on the topic of reading someone, what are the list of things that you're assessing? It's such a hard thing to answer. So look, there's body language overall. Just look at what they're doing with their body. Simple things, even, even how, when they're talking to you, are they frontally aligned? So we're, we're frontally aligned right now. Meaning we're like squared off against each other. Yes. Frontally aligned, shoulder to shoulder.

35:13That's a good way when you talk to someone to have that, you don't want to talk to people like this or like this or like that or on our phone. We don't, we don't want any of that.

35:23Mel Robbins:And for you listening, she literally pointed her body away from me. So it's like talking at somebody on the diagonal. She then twisted and pointed her shoulders in the other corner, which basically signals I'm either not interested or I'm nervous or I'm thinking about something else, right? It's just when it matters to you, when those conversations matter, you really want to be deliberate with your body language. You want to show with your body to people what you're saying, that those things need to be in harmony. And for me, I really don't care what people say. I look at what they do. And so that's the other follow-up.

35:57That's actions. That's separate. But with the body, you want to have, if you're reading people, you just want to look at what they do with their body. You get their baseline. You can get somebody's baseline in just a couple of minutes, right? You can see, do they like to have their arms crossed? If I could stand all day long with my arms crossed, I would. That's like my, I'm comfortable. But I don't do it because psychologically understand it gives off the wrong energy or vibe.

36:23Mel Robbins:Yeah. And as you're talking, I just want what's interesting is that you have this ability to both go, OK, as I'm observing someone else, these are the things I look forward to get a baseline and assess what kind of person this is. What is the energy? What is their emotion? Is this somebody whose energy is trustworthy? Is it not? Are they sketchy? Like what's going on with that person? and the same exact things that would signal, I don't know if I can trust this person. They do the same thing to you. Yes. And also are the same things that you should not be doing if you want to display confidence.

37:01Mel Robbins:Yes. So it's like almost sort of common sense. Like if somebody's not looking you in the eye or their body is pointing toward the door as you're trying to have a serious conversation. That's called a fleeing position, by the way. That's called a who? Fleeing position. So when you're speaking to someone and they're leaning. so right now the door is here to my to my left yeah so we're doing the interview mel and i'm like this the whole time and i'm just like sitting at the edge like this mel you know i'm like he doesn't want to be here that's called it's called the fleeing position when i would interview suspects a lot of them would sit in the fleeing position because they just wanted to leave like their body literally was showing me i don't want to be here that's fleeing position well if you've ever talked to a kid and they're in trouble and you're sitting at the island in the kitchen Fleeing position.

37:44Mel Robbins:Fleeing position. Absolutely. So it's kind of common sense almost that the things that you do when you're not interested or when you're lying or when you're like done with a conversation, somebody that's not that interested in you or might be covering something up is probably doing to you. They are doing. And I think what you said is important because everyone's so fixated on them that we, how are people treating me and what are they doing to me? And we don't pause to think like, yeah, hello, you're the other half of the equation. Did you pause to think how you're presenting yourself? Because it's a reaction.

38:22And you have to think thoughtfully, what am I doing? And what are they seeing? How am I showing up for this person? But we sometimes become a bit more very egocentric. We think like we're the sun and then everybody revolves around us and pause and think like, how are you showing up? How are you speaking? Are you present? Are you looking at them? Are you doing these things? And even if you are, and they're not reciprocating what you think they should do, like leave people alone. Let people be. Why? Because if I want to have an authentic conversation with you, Mel, I'm going to let you do Mel. So that I can really see who you really are.

39:06Mel Robbins:So it's a theory almost that if you center yourself, and you're in a place with people where you show up aligned with your best intentions and you're observing and you're creating this space for someone else to be and operate how they're going to be and operate in that moment, people's behavior reveals the truth. You don't have to work so hard when you just let people show you. I remember once when I first got into this business. I left the U.S. Secret Service and I went to meet with somebody from a management company. I was going to get up. I was looking at managers and I took my husband, who's another, you know, interrogator, government, you know, person like myself.

39:51And we go, I'm like, come with me. And we're in LA. We sit down. And within like three seconds, he and I instinctually knew like this dude does good care less that we're in this room. He has no, he's in this room because somebody asked him to meet with us and he did it as a favor. So we ended that interview really quickly because I knew right away, I'm like, this guy could care. He's not even remotely interested in representing me. So at that moment, I didn't make it about me. My feelings didn't get hurt. He called it in. It was a favor called in by somebody who knew me. I thought he wanted to meet me.

40:22He clearly showed me he didn't. I end the conversation sooner rather than later and I leave and I don't waste my time trying to make the relationship work, trying to follow up with an email. He showed me, he also showed me, he's not going to work hard for me. He showed me that. I'm like, if you're this excited about me now, forget about it later. Let's say even he's like, fine, I'll do your, it was my entertainment attorney at the time. I will do your entertainment attorney a favor and I'll take on as a client. No, I don't want you because you just showed me what it's going to be like working with you.

40:55Mel Robbins:This is brilliant because we are all in the mode of chasing. That I got to prove to you that I'm worthy of your time. No, that confidence and being able to get a baseline is observing whether or not somebody else is worth your time, whether or not they're displaying interest. I want to go to the situation where you may be administering a polygraph. your job is to make sure, well, I don't need, your job is to kind of get the truth. As somebody's sitting there and you're going through a polygraph exam, you've got colleagues that are watching you, you have this steely confidence where you're administering the test.

41:38Are there specific things that people do with their eyes though, that do indicate that their

41:48Mel Robbins:words might not match the truth? So like signaling that happens? We'll do an example. Okay. So I'm sitting here, I'm interviewing you, Mel, right? So I'm like, hi, Mel, you know, I'm Evie, good to meet you. So one of the things I might do is like, Mel, where are you from? Where were you born? What's your date of birth? Okay. What's your address? Yep. So you answer these questions. So as you're answering these, you're looking at me, you're nodding your head up and down. Okay. I got Mel's baseline. So Mel, tell me, tell me about what happened on the night of March 15th, 1998. Now I watch what Mel does.

42:27Now you're likely going to shift a little bit because I just asked you to do what now? Recall something? From the past. Right. So in that moment, I'm going to watch what does Mel do when she's accessing her memory? That's one. Okay. So I'm collecting information. So I've got who Mel is, the beginning part when she's not threatened, name, date of birth, blah, blah, blah, right? Unless you're lying, of course, which happens. Then it's like, I'm getting you to access a memory. Then I might ask you, how do you feel about being here today? Are you doing all right? Is there something I can get you? So then I'm going to get a baseline on how Mel reacts or what you show me when you're emotional.

43:05You might start crying. You might be angry. You might frustration. Mel, tell me what you know about this case. So Mel, tell me what you think happened.

43:14Mel Robbins:I'll tell you what, sitting here right now, I feel like I'm in an investigation and I'm about to get my ass thrown in jail. I'm like, like you have a, have you always been this scary in this confidence? I mean, you like, I have like death stare with your, cause you were just like, I got my paper. Like I, it is amazing to be in the presence of somebody who is emotionally settled. because it makes me nervous about the fact that I might not be. That's good. What do you mean? That's good. That's good though, to some degree, right? You want to be steady enough to, here's the thing. We want to be warm towards people, right?

43:54You want warmth, but you also want people to like, you want to keep people on point from time to time. Because when we don't, that's when we get taken advantage of, we get betrayed, we get rolled. like it's it's it's like a it's a dance so yeah do I want people from time to time to be like oh I don't I don't want to cross every I don't want to mess with every I don't want to harm every because I you want to give that off because that's also a way to let people know like I'm not that person

44:27Mel Robbins:that's a good thing so it's finding a way to be both how do you do that if you're somebody who who has spent a lifetime feeling insecure, because I agree, you don't want people to take advantage of you. You don't want to get played. You don't want to get scammed. And it happens in small and big ways to people every single day. So how do you, if you've always been insecure or you've been taken advantage of, how do you start to build this? I think first, there's no way to not ever be insecure and maybe get rid of that word. Okay. Maybe think of like people, you're not going to, you're not going to get it every time.

45:08Even myself, there's days where I'm like, meh, I should have seen it or I gave that person a chance. But then I, I, I rectify my behavior. I think where people get kind of screwed a bit is when they don't, you see it, you don't course correct. That's something else. So you have to be okay with messing up. You have to be okay. When people pull the wool over your eyes. You have to be okay with that. You have to be like, oh, he won. I lost. It happened. Lesson learned. I think that's also strength.

45:38Mel Robbins:It's not just lesson learned. What you're saying is lesson applied. Yes, but I also have to like not be so hard on myself. Why is not being hard on yourself a good thing when it comes to making sure that you become stronger and braver in the future? Because I'm beating myself up and I'm giving myself more anxiety. I'm making myself more into care. And then I'm also telling myself, you dummy. That's what I'm saying to me. You're a dummy. You should have known better. That's not good. And the whole, like, I should have this, I should have that. And my husband's very good with that. He's got this rule, like nobody ever says I should have.

46:14He's like, in that moment, you make the best decision you can with the information you have. And I think that's having faith and trust in yourself.

46:23Mel Robbins:So instead of beating yourself up, you just remind yourself, I made the best decision I could with the information, and the situation that I had. Oh, yes. And if you mess up, which we all do being like, I messed up, I will do better, but then do better. But this, I don't think it's, it's good. Like it also reminds me in training when you, when you messed up in training, like, like sometimes they'd give us, like we do these shooting scenarios, which were really stressful. We would, they would create these, like secret service compound had like, you know, we had cities that we called like tiny town where we do attacks, simulated attacks, or out in the open where we do these attacks.

46:59And they were very stressful and they were designed to be very realistic. Everyone's there. Everybody's watching everybody's moves. And when you get attacked, depending on the position, you had to memorize who goes where under what circumstances, depending where the line of fire is coming from and what weapons to use and where the counter assault team is coming from and where the shift is. There's so many elements. So you're being attacked. And then at the same time, you have to know your choreography and you would mess up. so in training they call you out be like hey you were supposed to do this you did this it's wrong this guy's dead now because of you don't do it again and they move on nobody has time to sit to feel bad move on so i'm not it's like learn feel it and maybe you go i go back home at night and i'm like man i'm i messed up on that that guy could have died if this was a real life scenario

47:55Mel Robbins:If you continue to dwell and beat yourself up, you actually won't move on and do better. No. You're going to make it worse the next time. You make yourself insecure. How messed up is that, like to live in that place? You know what I'm laughing about is that we sit here and beat ourselves up over like forgetting to get the milk or the butter on the list at the grocery store. And you're sitting here going, oh, I screwed up. The guy could have died. Okay, let's move on. You are so centered and steely and just grounded. It's amazing. And I want to dig more into confidence when we return. But let's hear a short word from our amazing sponsors.

48:33Mel Robbins:And Evie and I will be waiting for you after a short break. So stay with us.

48:40Mel Robbins:Picture this. It's 8 p.m. on a school night, and your child tells you they have a presentation tomorrow. Oh, and they need a poster board for it. And maybe some markers. Did they mention it's due tomorrow? Life as a parent gets chaotic fast, but DoorDash can help bring a little sanity in the moments you need it most. DoorDash delivers everyday essentials like meds, diapers, groceries, and supplies. It's not just for meals. So when you're juggling sick kids, forgotten supplies, packed schedules, and emotional overload, let DoorDash deliver a little bit of breathing room. It can help in the messy moments of real life and handle the small things before they become a big stress.

49:22Mel Robbins:Whenever I'm in our Boston studios to record the Mel Robbins podcast, the days are long, things move fast. My team and I cannot leave the studio to go run around Boston to grab things we forgot. That's why we use DoorDash, early morning coffee runs, lunch runs, to get all those cool props that we use on the Mel Robbins podcast when you watch on YouTube. When life gets crazy, DoorDash helps bring some order to it. Order now. This episode is brought to you by SoFi, the all-in-one finance app where you can bank, borrow, and invest all in one place. Let's talk bank accounts for a second. The average bank savings rate is 0.39 % in interest.

50:02Mel Robbins:You're earning pennies on your savings, but it doesn't have to be that way. But with SoFi's high-yield checking and savings, the money barely making moves sitting in your savings account can earn over eight times the national average savings rate. with eligible direct deposit. No account or overdraft fees. We love transparency. You can get your paycheck up to two days early. Plus, get up to a$300 welcome bonus when you sign up with eligible direct deposit. Sign up for SoFi Checking and Savings at SoFi.com slash Mel. SoFi Checking and Savings is offered through SoFi Bank and a member FDIC. Terms apply.

50:41Mel Robbins:You know, there's just something about spring that makes you just want to take everything outside. Your coffee in the morning, relaxing in the sun, maybe being outside hosting a few friends this weekend. If you've been thinking about your outdoor space and making it a place you want to hang, Paragold brings together some of design's best home brands in one place. And Paragold is offering the largest ever outdoor selection from furniture to weatherproof lighting, accents, and serverware in every style. You'll find high quality pieces crafted to outlast the season and elevate your space. Plus, Paragold offers free, fast, full-service delivery on most items.

51:19Mel Robbins:Shop in-store and online at paragold.com.

51:28Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins, and we are here today with Evie Pamporis, who is a Secret Service agent who has served under the administrations of three sitting presidents and she is trained as a human lie detector. So Evie, one of the things that you have been trained in when it comes to lie detection, as you're interrogating somebody, are there verbal cues that people give you that signal they don't know what the hell they're talking about or they're covering something up for me? There are verbal indicators. There were some things people would do. And this sounds terrible, but it's, it's true.

52:07And there's no research to prove this. We just, it's just something we'd see like any time somebody showed up with like a Bible in their hand for an interview. For an interview? Oh yeah. So if you

52:16Mel Robbins:bring a prop, this might be like a, here we go. You're eye rolling. The divine prop. We would call this. So anytime somebody we'd see, we'd see someone do that right away is like, that guy's going to fail for sure. Or if like in the interview, you'd hear like, I swear to God, is God is my witness, my grandmother's grave. Language like that, it always was like, all right, this person did it. Like those were little clues. There's no science behind it, research, but like these were like things that we knew over time. So you would hear things like that because it's kind of like the truth is typically simple.

52:48You don't need to swear to God or bring your Bible in to tell me the truth. Like you don't need to sell it to me. If you didn't do it, you didn't do it. I understand you're going to be nervous. But if I say to you, Mel, did you have donuts this morning for breakfast and you're like, Evie, I swear to God, I swear to God, I didn't do it. I swear on my mother's grave, I didn't do it. I'm kind of like, I just asked you if you're having donuts. So those types of reactions with people, you pay attention. Or if you ask your kids a question, Hey, you know, what's one of your kids' names? Are we allowed to say?

53:20Of course. Oakley. Oakley. Oakley. Did you do your homework? Who me? Homework? stalling tactic right you know it intuitively so that's a stalling tactic um we do that to buy time to think about what i want to say so those are good verbal indicators for you know why is this person stalling um sometimes when people put like possessive words like instead of saying like the car versus my car or my car versus i the car so if i hear my car i like my if somebody says my car, that means that person likes their car. If they say the car, they don't really like the car. So those are little things that people will do.

54:03So there are indicators in language to listen to. And then also when you ask somebody a direct question, this is the biggest thing. Did they actually answer your question?

54:15Mel Robbins:I think a lot of people don't. No, they move on. Or they like, you know, I didn't say that. Or they... They come at you. I'm trying to think of an example. It drives me freaking crazy. Do I need to start polygraphing people for you, Mel? Yes, but it drives me crazy when you're asking somebody something and then they change the subject or they like say, well, I never had time. And I'm like, I didn't ask you about the time. I asked you if you know what you're doing. And so there is like a disconnect between the question I asked and the answer being irrelevant to the topic of the question. But that's, there you go, though.

54:55You know, but you just got intel. Why aren't they answering you? Something's wrong. They messed up. They didn't do it. They forgot. That's, that's info. All of it.

55:03Mel Robbins:And see, I think that for me, I feel like the harder thing to try to detect in people is the omission. That the overt lying to me feels like something that would be easier to start to notice when you do what you're teaching us. Don't be so like jacked up when you meet somebody. Slow down. Get a baseline. Focus on how you're showing up. Notice. Give the person the space to be. gather data in terms of what the baseline is and just use your common sense. Is their energy matching their body language and what they're saying? Are they giving you a vibe that you like? You have so much that you can just absorb based on common sense.

55:48Mel Robbins:And then also don't go back in and make it about you. Always just be on the observing. We self-sabotage ourselves. We're so, I don't want to say this, like the self-development space, it's a great thing. I like books like that. I read, I listen, I want to learn. But if you're so in the me, me, me headspace, no, no, no, no. Because you're not seeing things. So you also have to find a part of you where it's like, Mel invited me. I drove all the way from New York City. She wants me here to be her guest. There's a reason I'm here. I walk in, I bring my best self in. You know, I don't walk in, I say hello.

56:26I control the parts of me that I can. And then after that, I also have to surrender a bit. And then understand that Mel is the other 50 % of the equation, 50-50. But if I'm so self-focused and I make the whole thing about me and I'm not paying attention to you, I'm not reading the room, I'm not looking at your colleagues and even just the tone of the team. How are people feeling? How do they move in the room? Because that's another indication too of like the synergy of the environment. Because sometimes people can shaft you, right? Hey, come on in. The charmer, which is something you really should.

57:01those are like certain cues, certain behaviors with people. Those are definitely red flag cues. How do you know a charmer? So I interviewed, um, Jim Smith, who was, um, a detective for the Canadian police and he did serial killers. He did all sorts of confessions. We were talking about one of his cases, Russell Williams, and he got a confession, this guy, serial rapist, murder, all that. And he was actually a military commander. Anyways, one of the things I asked Jim, I said, you know, what part of human behavior, like of all the types you've met, like, what was the thing where you're like, oh, I got to look out for that person?

57:40He's like the charmer. The, hey, how are you? I'm here. That person who's very like overt and charming and, and trying to very much ingratiate themselves with you. Like those people always like, why are you trying so hard? And those are true. that actually charmer that falls into a little bit of that. And I'm going to say this from a clinical perspective, a true narcissistic personality disorder or an antisocial personality disorder, which is people who you would call a sociopath or psychopath. They have, some of them have that trait, not all, but you'll see it there. So how do you get the truth out of anyone?

58:19It depends what you're asking. Do you want them to verbally say something to you? Because you cannot tell me something verbally, but you just showed me the truth. And that's all I need. There was somebody I was working very closely with and someone I liked a lot. I considered a friend, but I was also trying to do work stuff with. And she would say a lot, but her actions were very different than what she would say. You know, she had very strong boundaries, but when it came to, if I had like, Hey, I'm not available. It was like, what do you mean you're not available? I'm like, dude, you turn your phone off like at five on a Friday.

58:52And then like, I'm in another country and you're like, you're kind of losing it.

58:57Mel Robbins:Right. So with people, I don't physically have to have somebody tell me the truth. They can show me the truth. So with this scenario, I'm telling you, there were so many indicators with this person. I never actually had a conversation where I said, you need to tell me blah, blah, blah, blah. They gave me so many indicators through their actions and behavior that it was enough for me. to collect intel and say, nice human being, I like them, but they're not for me. And you know what I did? I just quietly pulled back because it was too hard of relationship to have. I never had that conversation. So I think people feel like in this day and age where it's like, speak up, tell everybody, like why?

59:39You can just pick and choose when you're going to do it.

59:43Mel Robbins:I mean, sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes it's not worth it at all. Can you truly tell how somebody feels about a situation or another person? Mostly it's observing. It's also, it depends. You look at their performance. So let's say it's an employee, like just look at their performance. You can try to help people as much as possible. Sometimes like you can't, they'll show you, they'll show you like what they're willing to do and not do. I think that it's easy to ignore the behavior. It's easy to ignore the kind of output of somebody's behavior and make excuses. And so I keep coming back to this theme with you as I'm having this experience and you're just being you.

1:00:30Mel Robbins:So I'm like giving you the space to be you and you have this steely confidence and settled nature where if you are grounded, people reveal themselves and you can really decode just about anything if you're paying attention. Let me say one thing. Sure. Because you brought up the confidence thing a few times. Like there are times where I'm not sure, but I'm still steady in myself. Sometimes we invest in people and we want to believe in people and we want to trust in people. And then sometimes what is right there in front of us, we don't. We don't want to see it. No, I don't. I don't want to see it.

1:01:08I'm going to keep and keep and keep and keep. And then I get pissed off at you for not being what I want you to be, meeting my expectations. Then I get angrier and more frustrated. And then I'm also mad at myself for being in that situation. And on and on and on that cycle goes.

1:01:25Mel Robbins:I'm nodding because I really resonate with that. How do you break that? So let's say that, because you've even mentioned personally too, that you talked about the fact that you were trained in how to deal with lies. So when you realize that what somebody is saying does not match what they're doing, how somebody is treating you does not match what they said. Somebody is, you know, talking all about boundaries, but they're crossing yours consistently. How do you confront that? when do you know to call somebody out versus to back away? So sometimes you do have to call people out. So in those moments where you have to deal with someone, let's say it's your team.

1:02:09Okay. And you have to address certain things. It's okay to address things. And I think that that's another important thing. It's first you make the decision, do I want to deal or not deal? Okay. If I don't deal, what are the consequences? It's always better to deal with things when they're small, especially when they're people or circle of people that you have to deal with, like a team or family member where you're like, this person's not going to go anywhere. So, but when problems are small, deal with them because what happens is they get bigger, bigger, bigger, and then you get angrier, angrier, angrier.

1:02:40And then it becomes this big problem. And you're like, you've done this, you've done that. And then you get frustrated. So one, when you have small problems, address them because they're small. That person now knows you're paying attention. Also, kindness is clarity. you can be clear in what you expect of others sometimes they don't know we we presume i wouldn't do this so they should know better it's like look they're in a whole other headspace right so i think addressing things while they're small not waiting for things to get big when it's important and there are situations where it's like you know what this person is too much of a mess it's too much of a shit show or it's too much stress or if it's someone where your phone rings and you're like, your stomach turns.

1:03:26That's when you're like, all right, something's going on here. I need to minimize my exposure to this person. I'm not saying cut people out, although I have done that and I don't think that's a bad thing out there. You save that for when you need to do it. And then with some others, you just, I call it like you just make more space. You make more space, make more space. You don't answer the phone as often. You let it go to voicemail. you can send a text rather than call back there are ways to create space with people when you realize this isn't for me because not everybody is for you and but it's your responsibility to recognize it and then to act on it I'm I can feel the person listening completely leaning in and there's probably a person they

1:04:20Mel Robbins:have in mind. And then there's that heartache that you feel when you go, oh my God, I'm probably the name on someone else's phone. That when my name pops up, their stomach twists because I'm not showing up how I need to show up. Or maybe you're showing up in a way that they don't want you to show up. It doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. What if it's you're calling Oakley because you're concerned and worried about, you know, what's going on in Oakley's life and the phone rings and Oakley's like, oh, it's mom and stomach's turning. Right. Yeah. And that scenario, I would think maybe sometimes you're like, I don't care if your stomach's turning.

1:05:03Right.

1:05:04Mel Robbins:Yes. Thousand percent. So I know that I'm acting in a way that I'm, that is aligned with my values. And the other scenario, when you're making somebody else's stomach turn, you're probably not. Yes. So there, Right. There's scenarios for that. Yes. Yeah. Can you talk about paralinguistics? What is that? So paralinguistics is what you sound like when you speak. It's your tone, your pitch, your voice. So often people are so focused on what they're going to say, right? We have our talking points and I need to make sure I hit this and I hit that. I need to say this. And it is what we sound like when we deliver information.

1:05:43That is more powerful than the things that actually come out of our mouth. When I left the U.S. Secret Service, and I really learned paralinguistics more so when I began doing the news, I left the Secret Service and I started doing the news. Meaning you were

1:05:56Mel Robbins:an expert on the news. Yes. So I started doing the Today Show initially, and then, you know, shootings and crime. And one of the things I learned from the working, you know, going on air is I had to learn to make sure my paralinguistics were strong enough so that when I spoke, it resonated and I found yes it matters what you say but half the time it's how you say it and so I learned talking points so I'm going to give my top three talk less give them your greatest hits and this is whether it's a pitch you're talking to somebody they don't need at all give them the strongest hits that you have but then put more value in how you speak Um, so it's authority in your voice.

1:06:39We are more likely to listen and believe in someone and see them as a confident person or as a person of authority when they use a stronger tone voice, meaning they're stronger, deeper tone.

1:06:49Mel Robbins:So if somebody's listening and they would like to convey more confidence, more authority, and they're leaning in as you're talking about paralinguistics. And I hear you loud and clear. It's not what you say that really matters. It's how you say it. It's the strength that comes out through your voice. And one thing that's going to help you do that is to have very few talking points. So boil down the thing that you want to convey to simple ideas, focus on a lower, and notice I'm doing it now, slow way of speaking, Are there other tips in terms of displaying that kind of authority? Pauses and silence are good because it lets you catch up with your thoughts.

1:07:43You don't have to say everything that's in your head. Like nobody cares. Just give them your top talking points. The other thing that you touched on is when you say less, you don't have to think as hard. So what I'm also trying to do is lighten somebody's cognitive load. If I've got all this stuff in my head that I have to say, my cognitive load is maxed out. So I'm not going to speak well because I don't have enough cognitive load to pay attention to my voice. I'm going to go, OK, Mel, this is what I want to tell you about. I'm from I do. I drove up from New York and, you know, like and I was really upset about it.

1:08:19And that I'm not going to have enough bandwidth. To stop and think about how I sound. And I would tell people, even when I do the news, I don't want, I don't want text. I'm like, give me my bullet points. I'm going to know my stuff. I'm going to know these three areas really well. And then I'm not going to try to memorize everything else. Like, forget it. Even if I interview somebody, I'm like, I, I look through my questions. I start asking questions, but then I'll let the conversation kind of move and go. And then maybe I'll look back at my notes to see like, oh, did I ask that? Let me go back there.

1:08:52But don't get so hung up on memorizing stuff that, that messes you up. memorizing things, worrying about that. I think the most important thing when you're really trying to convey something to someone, be present physically, right? Think about how you're sitting, how you're presenting. That's more important. Think about, are you looking at that person, not just when you speak, but when they speak, right? Have that. And then at the same time, just own your voice. I think that that's really it. Own your voice. And then maybe get rid of things like, I'm just going to hurry up and say this. All right, I've got a few minutes left.

1:09:28Let me just power through this. Because when you do that, you tell people inadvertently, I'm going to hurry through this because what I have to say is not that important. So I'm going to, I don't want to waste your time because obviously I'm, I'm wasting it. That's what I'm saying. And I really, truly, I learned this through watching presidents. These guys would speak. They didn't, they didn't race through anything. They get up on that mic. Nope, I have something to say. And not just them, but other world leaders. They would get up there and they would speak. They would own their voice. Own it.

1:10:01Especially women, Mel. And I usually don't try to gender things. But like with women, we go, hi. And we, you know, we, okay. And I think your voice captures all the stuff you've been through in life. So just make sure that the voice you're using is really your true voice and not the one that's captured all these markers of shame, of guilt, of frustration, of embarrassment. And now you're showing up with not your true voice. Where I'm going with that is you don't have to be on all the time. You don't have to be 100 % brave, 100 % confident. You don't always have to be here. You don't always have to operate at this level.

1:10:45Like it's okay if you don't. you become more courageous or more brave when you do things. I will tell you, like, the more I've messed up, the more I lose, the more brave I become. You don't get better when you win. You just don't. Is it nice to win? Sure. Is it nice not to get rejection? Sure. But bravery comes through action. It's not something you think about. It's something you do. I think what's really important is it is okay to go into a meeting and be afraid. It is okay to have a conversation with someone and be like, you know what? I don't really have it, but I'm just going to ask what I need to ask.

1:11:27I think what's important is get into the, what am I actually doing here? And maybe leave yourself, kind of leave that you out of it. Leave your, check yourself at the door, check your emotions at the door, leave them there. And if you can go, come in mission focus. So if I sat there and let's say I did once it's really high profile. I don't think I'm not allowed to say what case it is, but it was a high profile case of a murder of a child. And it was a very well-known case. And there was new information that came out. Was I concerned? Yes. Was I nervous? Yes. All eyes were on me to get information.

1:12:04So, but I went in and I said, Evie, you don't matter. Evie, you're going to stay outside. You're going to be focused on what you're doing. And my goal is to get information to see, is this person involved with the murder of this child? Or do they have information? What is really going on here? And so I took all of my essence in being to focus on what I was trying to accomplish. That has helped me, even in personal situations. Let's say you have a loved one and you want to know, let's say they have a substance abuse issue and you really want to find out like what's going on, you're going to check you at the door and you're going to say, okay, this is not about me and how I feel.

1:12:45I want to find out as much as I can about what's going on with this person. And then once I get all the intel, intelligence information I have, now I can move. So that's how you become brave when you become focused on what you're doing. So maybe these ideas of, I need to be brave to do this. I need to be confident to do this. I need to be, to have motivation to do this. Like such time wasters. So I can't do something unless I have bravery or, and I have to check that, or unless I'm confident, check that, or unless I'm motivated, check that. I'm going to do nothing. And we create obstacles. We put these in the middle of what we're trying to do.

1:13:27And then, you know what we do? We don't do what we're supposed to do because we're chasing these outliers that really like, are they really the barometers of whether I'm going to accomplish something or not? When I went to NYPD my first week, I was a hot mess. I was like, what am I doing here? Everyone's yelling at me. I can't wear makeup. I was like, what do you mean you can't wear makeup? You're not allowed to wear makeup. I'm like, you want me to come in like me? So it was just so off, but was I afraid? I was all these things, but I showed up.

1:13:58Mel Robbins:You know what you I've learned from you so far that I think is really important, and it's changed the way that I would approach a situation with a loved one, is when you mentioned, let's say you've got somebody that you love that has a substance abuse problem. Most of us would go into that intervention or that conversation, like, I got to get the truth out of them. And what I've learned from you in just this conversation is that you don't need them to say anything. before you walk in that door and have that conversation you need to be clear about your objectives and what you're doing which is you're trying to assess the situation and gather data and it doesn't require them to speak at all so that's a great example the way you broke it down so what is your true goal in that situation let's use this as an example i have someone a loved one who's got a substance abuse issue.

1:14:55What is my goal ultimately?

1:14:57Mel Robbins:My goal ultimately is to be the most effective that I can to support my loved one from a safe distance. And that is going to require me to get a assessment of what the hell is happening based on my gut. Because if I'm dealing with somebody with addiction, That's somebody that lies as a coping mechanism. So I know that going in. I also have a whole history of behavior that I've probably been in denial about that. I know that going in. And so you're going in to observe and assess and to ask questions with an open heart and an open mind. But you got to have your secret service brain training in the background.

1:15:51Mel Robbins:because based on body language, based on tone of voice, based on not answering questions, based on past behavior, you are going to get all the data that you need to know where the situation is, whether they tell you the truth or not. And then it's not on them, it's on you to decide what you're going to do about it. Because we also know that people don't heal until they're ready to heal. They don't get sober until the pain of being drunk or stoned or whatever is way worse than the pain of actually trying to change. And so there's nothing you can do to force them to actually change. All you can do is use the tools that you're giving us right now to not get so damn emotional and not try to control the situation and not try to like accuse, but to just sit back and be like, I'm here to get the data that I need to know what I need to do next because that's all I can control anyway.

1:16:48What am I dealing with? What am I dealing with? I need to know what's going on in front of me. Look, and you can maybe take it one further because if you already know, you might be like, my goal is to try to talk to this person to see if can I get them to go get help, rehab or whatever help looks like. That could be really ultimately your mission, but you also have to be okay with, you may not get there. It may be like, But my goal is to get the truth so then I can try to get this person help. But I also know I'm 50 % of the equation. Right. They're the other 50. So they may not want my help or want, right?

1:17:21All that stuff you just said. So I have to be okay with that. And I also have to have my strategy for what do I do then afterward? And I can figure that out later. What it's going to look like for me, whether do I want this person in my life and how much given the circumstances, yada, yada. But when you go in that conversation, you're not going in how I feel, what this is doing to my life. It's like, I want to know what the fuck is going on. Yes. Right? What am I dealing with? Yeah. And then it's my ultimate goal would be my mission to get you help. But I may not get there. Maybe not that day.

1:17:54Well, what I love about this approach is that it has nothing to do with them.

1:18:04Mel Robbins:and even if you go in and we all want everybody to reassure us right we all want everybody to tell us the truth somebody not reassuring you is an answer somebody not giving you a direct answer is an answer somebody refusing to answer your questions is also an answer and we spend way too much time than dismissing that making excuses for it instead of saying this motherfucker can't even give me a one sentence answer to a simple question, I have all the information I need to know what I'm dealing with. And it's the inability, I think, to assess the situation and to really trust your gut and to look at somebody's behavior or their lack of behavior as the only honest answer that they can give you and then to act accordingly.

1:18:58You know, it's interesting. I did, I remember I did this one interview. I don't remember what the person did. He was involved in some kind of fraud or something. And he wouldn't come out. So you would think in trying to get a confession from someone is you want him to say, I did this. And what I learned is that's not what you're after. Like, I didn't need that. So he wasn't giving me any information about what was going on. So I never tried to get them to say, I took this, I stole this money. I committed this crime. Like I wasn't trying to get that, but I would get them. They're called admissions where people admit to little, little things.

1:19:36And as you get these little admissions, all these little admissions give you a picture. It's like a puzzle. But some, like I remember with him, I said to him, you don't have to tell me if you did it or not. Can you tell me what are you worried about? and his thing was I'm worried about my family huge red flag I'm like uh he just gave me the admission he just told me why he doesn't want to tell me why he did what he did so I said okay you're worried about your family he said yes the blowback well I think we needed to do a search warrant or something and I said well they need to do a search warrant how do you want to do this how can I help you maybe he's like I can get my wife to leave town so these are little admissions that he's without him telling me, yes, I did this.

1:20:24He's giving me little, little clues that are telling me I did this. You don't need the smoking gun from people. They show you, but everyone's waiting for the person to say, I did this, I lied, I cheated. It's a waste of time to try to get that. Most of the information you're going to get from people are little, little breadcrumbs that you collect and you put together and you got your loaf of bread.

1:20:46Mel Robbins:And I think the biggest thing standing in the way is you don't want to see the truth. No. And that's why we don't trust our guts because all along the way, people's behavior and their lack of behavior and their decisions are giving you the truth about who they are and what they care about and what they're doing and what they're not doing and how they make you feel. And we are so focused on, I did something that we don't hear the bell that's ringing deep inside us. And it's really fascinating. If you could speak directly to the person that's listening and there was just one change or takeaway that you wanted them to take from everything that you taught us today, what would it be?

1:21:43handle your shit don't avoid your problems don't blame other people handle it if things aren't right they're not right because you're allowing them to not be right it's hard i'm not saying it and i come with humility i'm not it's a hard thing to deal to do it but it is on you to handle your stuff because when we don't we get pissed at everybody around us you should this and you should that and only you should do this and it's a really hard way to live where your steadiness your bravery your confidence your happiness your whatever is tethered to the instability of other people and whether or not they're going to give you what you hope they will give you like live in reality and live in truth when you do that you make better decisions

1:22:38Mel Robbins:for somebody who just went, oh shit, heavy. Like I do have to handle my shit. I have been avoiding the truth. I have been like blaming other people. I haven't taken responsibility. What is the first step when you have that realization that you've been ignoring your instincts or you've been beating yourself up or you've not been taking responsibility for changing yourself or the situation that you're in. You're going to sit down and you're actually going to put into effect what you're going to do. So I need to address this person. I need to leave this relationship. I need to quit this job, whatever it is.

1:23:21I need to ask my loved one to leave the house or my kid who's got an addiction issue. I have to do the hard thing. Usually the hard thing is harder in our mind. Once you do it, not saying it's not going to hurt, but you have to do these things. If it is the right thing to do, we all know what we should do. We don't do it. We all know. That's what I would do. Put into action what you want to do. The one thing I'll say is, once you come to that realization, get into a place where you're steady and prepared. because people look, people are, I don't want to say people are manipulative. Some people are, some people will sell you.

1:23:58Some people will mislead you. Some people confuse you. There's this great ancient Greek quote, and I love it. It says, it was from Odysseus from the Iliad. It says, he said, don't listen to your enemies. Look at them. It will tell you everything. and I'm not saying people are your enemies but what I'm saying is people when you listen to the words like people tell you all sorts of stuff to get you to change your mind like you have to not you have to look and pay attention just do I think that's the biggest thing so once you make that choice put your plan in place leave your emotional self at the door and be like, I'm going to handle this.

1:24:44But I think one of the mistakes people make sometimes is I'm going to sit this person down and I'm going to tell them this and I'm going to tell them that. Sometimes it's just like, pack up your shit and leave. Sometimes it's just as simple as that. You don't need to sit them down.

1:24:59Mel Robbins:What are your parting words? Trust yourself. Like nobody knows what's best for you, except for you. Nobody. Stop asking everybody. It's okay to ask people for guidance, but if you're going to ask someone, make sure that they have the expertise and knowledge to guide you. You know what the most important decisions I've ever made? I didn't ask anybody. I didn't ask anybody if I should become a cop. I didn't ask anybody if I should be a secret service agent. I didn't ask anybody what I should do on 9-11. I didn't ask. That's how you build confidence. Evie, I think that you were here today to talk directly to me.

1:25:39Mel Robbins:Handle your shit, Mel Robbins. It's hard. It's hard. It is hard. There were so many incredible things that you said. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I'm sure it is exactly what you needed to hear today too. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here and for just telling us what we needed to hear. I tell it to myself all day long too. I'm not excluded. Like we all just have to handle our stuff. But thank you. Thank you, Mel, for having me. You're welcome. And for you, I wanted to just make sure to tell you in case nobody else does that I love you. I believe in you. Now go handle your shit and I'll talk to you in a few days.

1:26:26Mel Robbins:All right, you guys ready? Oh boy, are you in for a fascinating experience today on the Mel Robbins podcast? How to get the truth out of anyone. Sorry. Woo, that's mouthful. Okay, great. Next up. Wow, the ending was fantastic. Is there anything else that you wanted in that? Great job.

1:26:55Mel Robbins:Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

1:27:55Mel Robbins:on my time. It's my treatment, my way. Visit vivgartmyway.com. That's V-Y-V-G-A-R-T myway.com. And talk to your doctor about Vivgart Hattrulo. Brought to you by Argenix. In the U.S., there's a break-in every 26 seconds. But when intruders step near, SimpliSafe Home Security steps up. Stop. This is SimpliSafe. Police are on the way. Using AI alerts, U.S.-based live agents help deter break-ins. SimpliSafe, no long-term contracts. Save 50 % on your new system with professional monitoring at simplisafe.com slash sxm or with promo code sxm. Outdoor deterrence requires a SimpliSafe Active Guard outdoor protection plan starting at$49.99 a month.

1:28:34Visit simplisafe.com slash licenses for alarm license information. Tennessee 2012.