How to Stop Caring What People Think of You

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:07Today, you and I are going to talk about one of the biggest obstacles that's holding you back. What is the obstacle? Oh, it's worrying about what other people think and then how hard you are on yourself because of it. So if you're exhausted by worrying about other people, or if you're tired of constantly feeling misunderstood, or if you feel like you're trapped in this prison of self-criticism, you're so hard on yourself, our conversation today will set you free. I'm going to teach you a revolutionary new approach to life. Let people have negative thoughts about you. Your power is never in what someone else thinks.

0:45Your power is in what you think about yourself. Today, you're going to learn how to use the let them theory to let people have their opinions and focus on living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself.

1:08Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so thrilled to be here with you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for hitting play on this episode and choosing to spend some time with me. It is always an honor to be together with you. If you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I just want to welcome you to the family. Here's what I know about you. The fact that you actually hit play on this tells me that you're the kind of person who really values your time and that you've made the time to listen to something that could truly help you create a better life. There is no doubt in my mind, you have hit play on the perfect episode because today we are going to unpack a topic that I personally believe is the single biggest obstacle that stands in the way of you and your ability to achieve absolutely everything that you want in your life.

1:58And what is that obstacle? That obstacle is your fear of what other people think about you. We all have it. We worry about it. We care about what other people think. We try to manage what other people think. You probably don't even realize how much of a default it is for you to stop and consider what somebody might think before you post something on social media, before you say something at work, before you make the move that you've been afraid to make, before you start the conversation. You always stop and you consider what somebody else is going to think or do in response to it. And you don't even realize how often you do this.

2:35I didn't either until I discovered the let them theory and starting to learn to catch myself whenever I was considering what somebody else would think or how they might react and worrying about it and learning how to say let them, it has been life altering. And one of the reasons why I thought I got to dedicate an entire episode to this is because first of all, you struggle with this. That's why you chose to listen to this. That's why somebody that you care about deeply forwarded you this episode, because they want you to stop worrying so much about what everybody thinks and live your life and be happy.

3:10But I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. Every single human being struggles with this. And so I thought, here's what we're going to do. We're going to unpack this today, because in the 35 press interviews that I've so far for the Let Them Theory book, this is the biggest question everybody's asking. And I don't care who's on the other side of the microphone with me, whether it's Oprah Winfrey or the New York Times or it's Time Magazine or it is the Wall Street Journal. Everybody wants to know, how do I stop caring about what other people think? And that's what we're going to do today. And I'm so excited because I'm going to teach you this in a really special way.

3:50We're going to talk about this topic and I'm going to unpack it by sharing a conversation with you that I had with Chrissy Teigen. And before we even jump into it, I want to thank Chrissy. I want to thank her for allowing me to share this conversation with you because we were talking on her new podcast and she was so open with what she's struggling with and she struggles with what other people think about her. I mean, it's almost crippling to her that people would think something negative, that they would attack her. And she was so open about it. And on top of it, she allowed me to coach her. And I got in her face about this because it's really sad when you hold yourself back because you're afraid of something that you can't control.

4:34Because you're going to learn you will never, ever, ever be able to control or guarantee what another person thinks about you. Never. And so I not only got in Chrissy's face about this because I want her to have a breakthrough, but I need to get into your face about this because you need a breakthrough about this. Right now, you are holding yourself back because you're worried about what your friends from college are thinking, or you're worried about what your parents are gonna be thinking, or you're worried about what your boss is gonna think, or this, or that, or the other thing. And more importantly, it's not even that worrying about it is the problem.

5:12It's the fact that you then aim it back at yourself. Like, I think it's fine to care what other people think. It's a sign that you're a good person. That's not the problem. The problem is how you hold yourself back, how you silence your opinion, how you use other people's opinions as a means to make yourself feel like you're not good enough as you are. That's gonna stop today. And the reason why we struggle with this is because you believe that there's a way that you can behave that somehow can manipulate or guarantee that somebody will think a certain thing. I'm here to tell you, you can't. And any time and any energy that you pour into trying to manipulate or control or guarantee what somebody else is going to think about you is a gigantic waste of time and energy.

6:11And in fact, anytime you start worrying about what somebody else thinks about you, you actually cause stress and anxiety for yourself. The fact that you're worrying about what everybody thinks so much is actually a major source of stress. And there is an easier way to live. I am going to prove it to you today with the help of Chrissy Teigen. And it may surprise you that when you listen to Chrissy and you listen to her share. It may surprise you that when you consider her life, well, this is a woman that is so wildly successful. She's an extraordinary businesswoman. She has four amazing kids. She's got an incredible marriage to John Legend, and she struggles with this.

6:49And so from the outside, you see somebody who's succeeding. So you don't think that this is a person who feels misunderstood. You don't think that this is a person who feels like she's living in a prison of her own making. You don't think that this is a person who lives in fear that she's going to pass this onto her kids. And what is it that she's afraid she's going to pass onto her kids? Well, it's this fear of being misunderstood, this fear that people are criticizing her, this fear that she can never do anything right. And the let them theory is liberating in this regard, not only for Chrissy Teigen, but also for you and for whomever you share this with.

7:29And so I just want to thank Chrissy because she is giving me permission to share a few segments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious, with Chrissy Teigen. And you can listen to the whole conversation that Chrissy and I had right now if you just go to audible.com forward slash Chrissy and Mel. So on the opening of her podcast, I explained to Chrissy what the Let Them Theory is. And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins Podcast family, let me just share what the Let Them Theory is to you as well. So let them theory is a very simple mindset tool that shows you instantly what's in your control and what's not in your control.

8:04And there's two very simple parts to the let them theory. Part one, you're going to use whenever you feel yourself starting to get frustrated or stressed out or annoyed or worried about what somebody else is doing, feeling or saying. Just say, let them. Let them say what they're going to say. Let them think what they're going to think. I'm going to stop trying to control them and just let them. And the second step is when you say let me. And when you say let me, you remind yourself that in life there's only three things you can control. It's what you think, it's what you do or don't do, and it's how you process the feelings that are rising up.

8:43And when you say let me, this is where you get your power back. Let me remind myself that my power is not in what other people are doing. My power is always in my response. And when you focus on your response, and particularly you focus on showing up in a way that makes you proud of yourself, you're now in control of your life. And so I explained that to Chrissy on her new podcast, and this is what she had to say in response. I can say that to myself all I want. I can say, let them, let them, let them think their thoughts, let yourself be misunderstood. It's okay. You have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, a wonderful life, but it is so incredibly challenging for me.

9:26The one thing I wish I could change was that I wish I weren't so misunderstood and I wish people knew how good I was. And it's so desperate sounding and so sad, but that for me is my biggest battle in life.

9:47yeah I'm so happy that she shared that because I don't think it sounds desperate at all haven't you ever had an experience in your life where you felt like you just wish that people didn't misunderstand you that you wish people knew who how good you were how you had such great intentions. I think that's a really universal fear. And I was so glad that she actually shared that this is the one thing I wish I could change. I mean, just imagine what would change about your life if you really could just let people think what they think and you didn't worry about being misunderstood. And so, of course, I had to ask Chrissy directly, like, why are you so concerned about what other people think?

10:32And what is it exactly that you're afraid of? And this is what she had to say. Since I was little, I really wanted to be loved and I really wanted adoration and affection. I had a parent that was not very touchy-feely. I felt growing up that I was someone that she could show off. And so when I was little and going up to people and saying my words in Thai or doing what I was told and being good, I got really good feedback from that. And I got that feeling of always wanting to be really good for everybody. And it's been in me since I was little.

11:19I think it's been inside all of us since we were little. I mean, if you just think about your own life, when did you get positive attention? It's when you were performing or you got good grades or the team that you were on won. And so what she's talking about here is something that so many of the psychologists and psychiatrists that have come on the Mel Robbins podcast talk about, which is the experience that you had when you were little, where you got positive attention. It kind of tells you, oh, oh, oh, when other people are telling me that I'm good, when other people are giving me positive attention, that's how I know that I feel good about myself.

11:54But here's the problem. As long as you locate your goodness and whether or not you're doing a good job as a person in the opinions and the moods of other people, you're never going to be in control of it. And that's why so many of us, whether it's Chrissy Teigen or it's you or it's me, we find ourselves in these situations in life where you're like, oh my gosh, why am I so concerned about what other people think about me? And as I explained to Chrissy, look, it's natural when you're a kid because you need to be cared for, to be deeply, deeply connected to the people around you and attuned to them and looking to them for positive signaling that you're okay and that you're good.

12:37That's what happens when we're kids. But when we are adults, we have to pull that back to ourselves. And that's where the let them theory is really going to change things. Because when you outsource your self-worth, When you outsource the positive affirmations to other people's opinions, you will never feel safe. And so I was explaining to Chrissy that you're really going to love the let them theory because it's going to teach you how to stop looking outside yourself for the thing that you're actually seeking. And as I started to explain this to Chrissy, that the more you can learn to let other people say what they're going to say, be who they're going to be, the better your life is going to get.

13:18because you're going to understand that what you think about yourself is actually the most important thing. And in this next part, in the conversation that we had on her new podcast, Self-Conscious, she started talking about her relationship with herself. And this is where it starts to go way deeper. Take a listen. The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food, emotionally or drinking, I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people.

13:58And it's so all-encompassing. I very rarely leave the house because when I do and I interact with people out in the world, whether it's through work or just being out shopping at the grocery store, I just destroy myself and work so hard to make sure that they had a really good experience with me. and then I come home and I dwell on it forever. It's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself and I don't know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. But right now I'm in the prison of it.

14:38You're clearly in a prison of it because you've given all the control to other people. Your worth, your value, whether or not you're happy, whether or not you are proud of yourself is entirely given away to other people's reactions or what they say. And just like you cannot control what another human being feels, you will never be able to control what someone else thinks about you. I can by being really good. No, you can't. I know. No, you can't. When we're done talking, can you control what I'm going to say about you when my two daughters are like, can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be?

15:28No. Excellent. I know that I'm saying that, but there's another level of me that I can do the best I can to ensure that you are.

15:45So there's a couple things I want to unpack about this because she's describing something that you have experienced, which is, if you ever had the experience of you wake up in the morning, you feel fine, you feel good about yourself, the day starts, and then you get to work, and something goes down. And suddenly you're obsessing over the email that somebody sent you or the mood that your boss is in, or maybe something happened at school or with your friends and you start obsessing. I should have done this. I should have done that. I should have done the other thing. What are we doing when we do that?

16:17What we're doing is we're giving our power away. We're basically saying that our worth lies in what another human being thinks about us. That if you don't act the right way at work and somebody's upset with you, that somehow now you're the bad person. I'm here to tell you, absolutely not. This is why you need the let them theory. Like your boss's bad mood doesn't mean you're a bad person. Somebody saying something negative about you doesn't mean you have to feel negatively about yourself. And I knew that intellectually, but I never knew how to separate myself from other people's moods and other people's opinions of me.

17:00And the let them theory has been life altering in this regard. And this is what I was trying to explain to Chrissy. She's literally describing how you probably go through your day two, where you're concerned about what people at work think about you. You're concerned about what your sorority sisters think about you. You're concerned about what your family thinks about you. What if we were to invert this? What if you were more concerned about what you think about you? And instead of exhausting yourself over something you'll never be able to manage, you pull the power back. This is what I was trying to explain to her.

17:31And I think she's starting to get it. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change. So much of my day would be free to think of other things that really matter. Can you actually control what my thoughts and feelings about you are going to be? No. She said the correct answer. No. Just like I can't control what you're going to think about me as you're listening to this podcast episode. please take a moment and share this with everybody that you care about because everybody needs to learn how to let people have negative thoughts and take their power back. Oh, there's so much more that we need to unpack and I want to stay on this topic, but let's take a quick pause so we can hear from our amazing sponsors of the Mel Robbins podcast and don't go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after this short break.

18:33The relationship with myself is the hardest part. I've always been a punisher, whether it was through diets and food emotionally or drinking. I always inflict some kind of pain on myself and punish myself for letting people down or feeling like I wasn't good enough in a group of people. And it's so it's getting so exhausting being this mean to myself. And I don't know what it's like to not be that way. And if I could heal that part of myself, so much would change.

19:10Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I am so glad that you're here. I'm so glad that you're learning how to let people have negative thoughts. And again, I'm so grateful that Chrissy Teigen is allowing me to play some moments from her new podcast, Self-Conscious with Chrissy Teigen. As we're unpacking this and it's really starting to sink in, I have to applaud Chrissy because she shared something very personal in this next segment. And I wanted to share it with you because I think it's really important to stop and consider that how you move through life is an example to other people. and using the let them theory, you can truly take the power back and decide who you want to be.

19:57That's the let me part. Let me decide what I want to think about myself. Let me align my actions with the kind of person I want to be. Let me allow my emotions to rise and fall instead of navigating my life based on what I think everybody else expects of me or is going to be disappointed. And that brings me to this part of Chrissy's new podcast and the conversation that we had that I wanted to share with you. Because she shared this fear that she had that is extremely personal. And I think it's an important part of this conversation. Check this out. One of the worst parts about it is me feeling crazy or feeling that nobody else will understand this feeling.

20:39Why am I like this? I'm really scared of passing this along to my kids. I think that is the big realization for me. I can't do this to my kids. I don't ever want them to feel like they have to perform for everybody and be good all the time. But I know that sometimes I probably am that way. I do want them to be the most polite. And I don't want people to think that they're just celebrity asshole kids. And so I might go harder the other direction to make sure that they don't come off that way and I really need to break that because I'm okay and this is another reason I'm in therapy I'm okay with me getting the shit end of the stick on anything or living this life where I'm stressed and in pain but I'm not okay with them yeah well I can see it really bothers you yeah yeah because I see how much my interactions with adults as a child affected me from so many different layers, from whether it was sexual or the reason I became such a people pleaser.

21:48And that was through sleeping with people. It travels so far in my life. It's not just that I wanted to smile and say my little Thai words for people. It started that way, yes. But then I ended up believing, sorry, I ended up believing that I was for everybody and my body was for everybody. And it took a hold on every part of my life. And as you can see, it still has a hold on me now. So I cannot imagine this for my kids. I hope that they don't want to please everybody in life. And I hope that they know that their body is their own, their mind is their own, their actions are their own, and they can't control other people.

22:34I cannot have them live this way that I live. Who is going to teach them this? And that's the enormous opportunity that you have. When you understand what you're dealing with, you have the ability to face it and to make decisions to live differently. And that's exactly what you're doing. And your kids watch you. And they are watching how much strangers and other people impact how you feel about yourself. And so as you take this on, and you truly start to separate what is your responsibility to manage, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your words, when you focus on that and you align your values with how you show up in life and you put yourself first in that regard, you are also showing your children that their opinion of themselves is more important than what anybody else says or does because they're no longer seeing their mom destroyed by what other people are saying.

23:56It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give. Well, anybody, anytime anybody says I don't give a shit what they think, you know, they totally do because it's when you have to say that out loud. It's evidence that you are still processing something that bothers you.

24:23It's so true, isn't it? I bet you're thinking about somebody in your life who constantly says, I don't care what they think. This is an episode they need to hear because the fact that they're saying it out loud means they care what they think. And I really want to unpack this whole idea of not giving any fucks. And let's look at what Chrissy Teigen actually said, because I have it right here. It always amazed me that I was the give no fucks girl. I'm like, you guys have no idea how many fucks I give. You guys have no idea how many fucks I give. Give is the word. Because when you actually are worried or try to manage what somebody else thinks, you give someone else power.

25:09That's why Chrissy's crying. because she's sensing and realizing how much power other people had over her life. And here's the other thing I want to say, both to you and to Chrissy, and I said this to her on her podcast, this isn't your fault. This isn't your fault. This was conditioned in you as a child. When you get positive reinforcement based on other people's behavior, your mom's or the adults around you, Of course, you're getting conditioned to please other people. Of course, you're getting trained to care what other people think. And a bigger issue is you're actually being taught somehow that you are responsible for other people's moods and opinions and that your worth is outside of you.

25:57And so I want to come back to the word give. When you give fucks or you give a shit or you give power to what somebody else thinks, thinks you are always going to feel stressed out, anxious, and unworthy because you're never going to be in control of what somebody else thinks. And you're always going to be up in your head worried about it. And that's why the let them theory is going to change your life. Because when you say, let them think something negative, let them be disappointed, let them be upset that I'm not meeting their expectations. Let them say that I'm rude. Let them believe that I should be acting a different way.

26:34Let them unfollow me. Let them think what they're going to think. And then a really funny thing happens, and this is something that I've noticed in my own life. The more I say, let them think something negative, and the more I take my power back, and I really put all my time and energy into showing up in my life in a way that makes me proud of myself, I know who I am. And when I know who I am, and I'm proud of myself, because I'm trying, and I'm doing my best, and I know what my intentions are, I don't actually think about other people a whole lot because I know the truth. And that's what's available to you.