Nervous System Reset: Do THIS Every Day to Rewire Your Brain From Stress and Anxiety

26:31Okay.

26:31Mel Robbins:So something happens, now the teeter-totter's down. Right. Exactly. Then the way that our body's biological stress response works is that we want to maintain balance. That's what keeps it healthy. Our stress response is designed to save our lives from a mortal threat, right? And it works best when we keep it in balance. So on one side, there's stress and adversity. And then on the other side, we have safe, stable, and nurturing relationships. We have regulating practices like breathing techniques and exercise and mindfulness. We have trauma-informed systems and trauma-informed care. And that keeps us in balance.

27:25Now, one of the things that a lot of people don't realize is that where this fulcrum is set, This fulcrum on the bottom of the teeter-totter. Yeah, it's normally in the middle on a playground. Right, on the playground, it's in the middle. Right. The age at which you experience a major stressor or a trauma can actually change the location of that fulcrum.

27:52Mel Robbins:Making either the adversity more pronounced and harder to balance out of. Right, exactly. So what that means is that the younger you are when you experience a stressor or trauma or adversity, you need way more buffering on the other side to be able to balance that out. So if I move this fulcrum over, right? And what Dr. Burke Harris is doing is she's moving the base of the teeter-totter over to one side. So it's not an even teeter-totter anymore. Right. Right. So you have a short end over here, which is on the buffering side. And then you have this really long end over here on the adversity side, because what we understand is that adversity, when we're younger, which is a time where we're more biologically plastic, right?

28:47It actually can shape the developmental trajectory. Your brain and body become wired to respond to stress. So you need way, way more buffering on the other side. And that's a big part of the reason why if some of your listeners are like, sure, I experienced some adversity, but that was way back when. Right. And now I'm fine. And I don't know why this should even still be bothering me. Right. I got a good job. My life seems like it's great. but I noticed that I'm still like triggered sometimes, right? It's because the adversity that we experience needs to be balanced out by a lot more buffering in order for us to be even feel.

29:37Because you didn't get it back then. Right, exactly. People used to think that stressors or traumatic experiences that happened in like infancy, like, oh, if you don't remember it, it didn't affect you. And it turns out it's the exact opposite. it, right? The younger you are, those experiences that happen in infancy, they can actually shape the way that your stress response is wired, right? So you may not remember the actual event, but the body remembers.

30:09Mel Robbins:Oh my gosh. You know, this is one of those interviews, Dr. Burke Harris, where I forget that I'm interviewing because my mouth is on the floor and I'm thinking of so many people that I wish were right here with me right now to hear this. And that's the coolest thing about this being a podcast episode, that you can share this with people right now. And in fact, I want to take a quick pause so that we can hear a word from our sponsors. But more importantly, as you've been listening, I want you to share this with somebody that you love and don't go anywhere. We're going to be getting into more of what you can do about this when we return.

30:45Mel Robbins:So stay with me.

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33:52Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. I'm so thrilled you're here. Thank you for sharing this conversation with people that you care about because we get to learn today from Dr. Burke Harris. So I want to stay on this topic of how trauma from childhood is impacting our experience as an adult. Well, you know what's interesting about this is I immediately just thought about the fact that if you think about your own experience in life, right, and wherever it is that you were born, whatever household that you grew up in, there was probably a predominant language that was spoken. From zero to two, you probably don't even remember the adults who were speaking it or the experiences of it, but your brain and your body and your nervous system absorbed all those voices and it encoded itself in your brain and your body and you started responding with that language that was in your household.

34:52Mel Robbins:And so it does make sense that even if you don't remember something and it stressed you out and your body biologically still freezes or remembers it or got triggered or it was threatening, that of course it would still remember it now. Right, right. Is that kind of how it works? Yeah. In fact, it's actually a little bit more interesting than that, right? So you're like, of course your body remembers it now. So there's been some really fascinating research on this. This was really powerful. What they did was researchers took these baby rats and they stressed them out, right, by handling them. And then they gave them back to their moms.

35:41and some moms naturally did a lot of buffering. So lots of licking and grooming. That's what rat moms do. And some moms, not so much. They didn't do a lot. And then when those baby rats grew up, they did all these tests on them. And what they found was that the rats that had a lot of buffering did better on cognitive tests, right? They were more stress tolerant, so they were more able to explore. They were more adventurous. When they actually measured their biological stress response, their stress response shut itself off more normally after the stressor was gone. And this was really important.

36:29when those rats had their own babies, they were more likely to do lots of buffering, lots of licking and grooming, right? And the ones who didn't receive a lot of buffering care, it was the opposite. Like they were less stress tolerant. Their stress response would stay on longer after a stressor. So after stressor is already gone, they're still fired up with the stress hormones, right? And when they had their own babies, they were less likely to do the buffering care. And what was wild about it was that these behaviors, they could actually, they were tied to markers on the epigenetic markers. So markers, not changes to the genetic code, but markers on the DNA to tell the body like which parts of the genetic code get read.

37:28Wow. So then what they did with the next generation of rat babies, they I don't know if they were watching Lifetime TV. They they switched them at birth.

37:38Mel Robbins:What? Right. OK. So the the the ones that they grew up with with rat moms and dads that gave a lot of cuddling and licking. Right. They went to the one low buffering. OK. Mom. And the the ones that were from a low buffering mom, they cross fostered them to a high buffering mom. And what they found was they took on the stress reactivity of their rearing mother, not of their biological mother. And then even the epigenetic markers were of their rearing mother, not of their biological mother. And what that showed was that experience of receiving buffering actually changed the epigenetic markers for these baby rats.

38:34So it actually changed the way their DNA was read and expressed. And that was what translated into changes in behavior. Okay.

38:43Mel Robbins:That's really exciting because if I'm tracking correctly and you tell me if I've got this or not, you're basically saying that even if you have had a lot of adverse experiences or traumatic experiences and you did not receive the support and the nurturing and the intervention that you needed at the time, that the research shows that if you recognize that and you provide that to yourself now, that changes you and it changes your DNA almost in terms of what's firing and it opens the door to a completely different way to experience your life. Is that what you're saying? That's exactly right. It changes your biology.

39:32So when we experience something stressful or traumatic, it activates our biological stress response. And that, it actually involves a lot of our body system, like the brain, the immune system, our hormonal systems, even the way our DNA is read and transcribed. And in absence of adequate buffering caregiving systems, what can happen is that our stress response can actually stay on high alert. And then that increases the risk for not only some of the stuff we typically associate with trauma, right? Maybe anxiety or depression, mental health or behavioral health challenges, but it turns out that it also increases the risk for things like headache, asthma, autoimmune disease, heart disease, cancer, right?

40:26And that is because of these changes that we see to our biological systems when we don't have enough buffering.

40:35Mel Robbins:Well, it kind of makes sense because if you have something that flipped on your fight or flight survival mechanism and you didn't have any buffering that helped you flip it off and start to feel safe again, your body starts to run at that rate, always under threat. I mean, I woke up for, my God, I had an incident in the fourth grade where I woke up in the middle of sleeping during a sleepover and found an older kid on top of me and immediately like possum and disassociated and froze. That was the response in your definition to what was happening in my body. Right. I didn't remember it. I didn't remember it for over a decade and a half.

41:20Mel Robbins:Wow. And then had this moment where I was listening to somebody else tell a similar story and the whole thing came flooding back. And it took me another decade and a lot of therapy to recognize that the experience that I had from being in the fourth grade to being a grown woman with a job and kids, and I'm married, and I'm able to mostly pay my bills, and I'm somewhat functioning. Yeah. But every single morning for three decades, I would wake up and have this intense sense of dread no matter what was going on. It could be the most beautiful day. It could be a weekend. We could have incredible plans.

42:06Mel Robbins:And in my body, I felt this like, oh, something's wrong. Someone's just this deep thing. And what I've come to learn, and your work has been a huge part of this, is that is what you're talking about. My body was remembering the experience of waking up the morning after it happened, and I didn't tell anybody what had happened. So there was nobody to buffer me. And it stayed with me, and I didn't even remember it. And so I feel like understanding that there are experiences that your body remembered. And if there's aspects of your adult life that just don't seem to make sense, they're not how you want them to be, this is a door you can open to really start to heal and take control.

43:00Mel Robbins:And one of the key is buffering. And even if you didn't get it back then, we can use buffering techniques to be able to calm down an overactive stress response that you've probably had since childhood. Right. Right. So that's exactly right. So let me give an example. Okay. Right? So let me not be hypothetical here. So Mel, real talk. When I read about the ACE study and I was working on trying to find solutions for my patients, part of the reason why it was so important to me is because I grew up in a household with a mom who had untreated mental illness. My mom suffered from paranoid schizophrenia.

43:54It was buck wild. Sometimes. Yeah. So let me just tell you, even worse, I will say, in my own personal experience, even worse than it being buckwile all the time was that sometimes my mom was the best mom in the world. Right? My mom taught me how to hit a backhand in tennis. My mom was like the biggest educational champion. But she was unpredictably...

44:30violent, just dysregulated, all of the above. That was the big motivator for me to say, to see the data on ACEs and was just like, these are my patients. I'm going to scour the science to figure out what these interventions are, right? And the ironic thing about it is that the more research I did and the more I put into practice for my patients, the more I was like, I might try that at home, right? And so for myself, right, as I started putting in some of these self-regulation practices, right? We know things like mindfulness, meditation, regular exercise, spending time in nature, all of these things kind of reduce the activity of our fight or flight response, right?

45:33That's our biological stress response and increase the activity of our parasympathetic nervous system that is like counteracts the fight or flight. It's resting and digesting. So I start doing all this stuff, right? It's great. And I think for most people and for most of your listeners who are out there, you do this. And it's just what that's doing is it's stacking stuff on the other side of the teeter-totter, right? You're building self-regulation into your own life. I start every day with a meditation and journaling, literally every day.

46:13Mel Robbins:What does it do for you?

46:20Oh, so for me, it helps me start the day from a place of calm and regulation. And it helps me remember what that place feels like so that when I start to move away from it, I notice it. Right. Because one of the things that happens when we kind of have this stress response that's going all the time is that for most of us, we don't even notice it.

46:51Mel Robbins:Well, I think that's the thing about your work that is so profound because it's not like you're some slouch. I mean, you're like going to the best schools in the world and you have all these degrees and you're opening this clinic and we think we can outwork or we can out-degree or we can somehow run away from this. Out-earn. Out-earn. Yes. And what I found is that there was nothing that I did that involved running away from it that made it disappear. That's right. And I'm happy that you just shared that because if you're listening right now and, And you think you've kind of outrun a lot of this stuff, but you've never fully thought, huh, maybe it would feel good to not have my stress response on all the time.

47:49Mel Robbins:Maybe it would feel good to not have the response of every headline or every email send me through the roof that I maybe should try some of these buffering things. Because what you're doing, as I really listen to it in the context of your adverse childhood experiences, since your mom was incapable due to her mental illness of providing that calm, safe, routine start to the morning, you now as an adult woman are providing it for yourself. Correct. Correct. So I start with these self-regulating practices of, you know, mindfulness, journaling, go for a walk, do my workout. And then we also know that for some of us, for some of us, that's enough.

48:49That's fantastic. For some of us, we also need therapy. Yeah. Right. So we add things on top of that. I myself personally, I've used EMDR. It's the best way you explain for the person listening what that is, because it is a game changer. What EMDR is, is it's called eye movement desensitization and reprogramming. And essentially, someone who's trained in EMDR, a therapist, will help someone be able to go back to a past memory and then using a process of bilateral stimulation. so some people do tapping, some people use like a TheraTapper, which is what I use, and you have alternative bilateral stimulation, the brain actually processes that experience differently when you're having this bilateral stimulation.

49:52And then as part of the process, one of the really important things is having a corrective experience, right? So when you go back and you have the memory, then you identify what should have happened. And in my corrective experience, when I went back, there's this moment when, you know, little me from my childhood is sitting there and terrified. An adult me comes in and just sits down on the bed and says, I'm here. And that for me, when I think about all of the research, all of the science about buffering, trauma-informed care, regulating the stress response, all of that, essentially, All of that can be summed up in this I'm here effect, right?

50:52It is a regulated presence who says, I'm here. And that can be adult you showing up for little you who didn't get it.

51:07Mel Robbins:And adult you showing up for adult you right now. Correct. So for me, I'm here on a daily basis means starting my day with these regulating practices, mindfulness, journaling, exercise, time in nature. And that's how I do I'm here for myself. And honestly, as I'm listening to you, so many people that I care about are coming to mind. People that I think, now that I understand this, I can see how they're probably stuck in patterns from their childhood and they don't even realize it. The good news is there's something you can do about it. Dr. Burke Harris is providing a free resource that will empower somebody to break free from these patterns.

51:55Mel Robbins:So thank you for taking a moment to share this in your family group chat, share this with your siblings, share those with people that you know have more potential but keep getting in their own way, and don't go anywhere because when we return, we're going to continue to dig into the tools that help you heal. Stay with me.

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53:00Mel Robbins:It was amazing. And because my brain wasn't fried, I had the energy to sit down and eat dinner with Chris without feeling mentally wiped. That's the whole point for me. Microsoft Copilot clears the clutter so I can be more present for the moments that matter. That's why I'm using it. If you want to try it for yourself, visit Microsoft.com backslash Mel Robbins to download the Copilot app. Get started with Copilot today for free and see how handing off the small stuff gives you more energy for the moments that matter. That's Microsoft.com backslash Mel Robbins. It's Way Day at Wayfair. From April 25th through the 27th, you can score the best deals in home, like up to 80 % off with free shipping on everything.

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55:22Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. And today you and I are learning from the extraordinary Dr. Burke Harris, who is teaching us all about how childhood trauma has shaped you as an adult and keeps you stuck in frustrating patterns. She's teaching you and me and the people that we love how to stop holding ourselves back and start creating the life that we deserve as an adult at a biological and neurological level. So Dr. Burke Harris, talk to the person who right now is kind of going, because I think the person listening around, I can almost hear you being like, oh my God, like I have so much, I need buffering.

56:00Mel Robbins:I have an overactive stress response. I got to do something. Like where do you want the person who's now having this epiphany? This is me, this is me, this is me. Yeah. Where do you start? Okay, is this it? Yeah, it's right there. Girl, I see you. Okay. But I think, so number one, I want to say that it starts really simple. So what does I'm here look like in your own life showing up for yourself? whether that means taking a walk every day for 20 minutes or starting with some mindfulness or you know getting out in nature right these are some of the basic self-regulation practices that anyone can do.

56:56And there are actually seven evidence-based interventions to help buffer the biological stress response that I include, that I actually wrote about in the Surgeon General's report. And these include sleep, exercise, nutrition, mindfulness, mental health, and healthy relationships, and time in nature. So these are the seven evidence-based interventions that help to regulate the biological stress response. So that's, I would say, step one. And then, Mel, I would say step two is really connecting and intentionally building for yourself, right, these safe and stable relationships. That is key. We all know, we all have the one girlfriend, we talk to when we're about to say something that sounds crazy and we know that she's not going to overreact.

58:01Or the brother, right, who was there during all the madness and can validate our experience and just be present, right? So really identifying who are the people in our lives. And sometimes it's one person and one person is enough, right? That's the good news. One person is enough. But oftentimes it's more than one person that we can talk to, be authentically vulnerable and feel safe. And sometimes it means that we're going to need more. So we may need to reach out to a therapist or we may want to try, you know, trauma-focused It's cognitive behavioral therapy or internal family systems therapy or EMDR.

58:56But any of these different interventions can also help us to establish internal safety and regulate ourselves. And then finally, for some people, medication is helpful, right? And so that's the other thing. We can talk to your doctor.

59:11Mel Robbins:I love that you said the first step is starting with yourself. Yeah. And the reason why I love that is I can think back, and it's more recent than I care to admit, to me having an overactive stress response, me not having started EMDR yet, me still, like, I'm the kind of person that when I get emotionally, like, triggered by something, the stress response is like a volcano. know. And I can think of moments with my husband, like I would walk in the door, pressure, like got a great amount of evidence for why I deserve to be stressed. And this is very, and like barking at everybody. And then the poor man just shuts down.

59:57Right.

59:57Mel Robbins:And so how could I possibly buffer him as he's going through his stuff if I can't even buffer myself? Yeah. And I also feel like it's a really important thing if you have challenging people in your life. because I do think almost every one of us has somebody that has an overactive stress response and isn't shutting down. They're the ones yelling at you. They're the ones who are unpredictable. And you're not going to be able to deal with them if you don't start buffering and creating safety for yourself and being the I am here in your words for yourself as a way to feel safe even around somebody chaotic.

1:00:37Mel Robbins:I hate admitting that I was the chaotic person. I hate admitting that I was the asshole. I hate admitting that. Oh my gosh, I love that you're admitting that. You want to know why? Because I feel like for a lot of people,

1:00:54the biggest obstacle to being able to address a dysregulated stress response is even acknowledging, right? People say, oh, yeah, I had these difficult experiences, but it didn't affect me because, look, I've got a great job. I'm making good money. I have this nice house, and I even have a great spouse, right? And so it didn't affect me. And you're like...

1:01:24Mel Robbins:Is that why you drink a bottle of wine every night after work? Right. Right. Right? And so that first step of being able to say, and let me just tell you something, that peace is a part of saying, I'm here for yourself, is to be able to say, gosh, I did just kind of react a little heavy handed there, didn't I? That's not the mom I want to be. That's not the partner I want to be. That's not the self I want to be. Or, wow, I did feel really dysregulated because one of the things that happens when we experience trauma and adversity is that we become the ones who can't see ourselves. right and so that piece of it being able to say yeah I felt really overwhelmed and I responded in a way that that I wasn't proud of so the next thing that you do for yourself yes and it just depends on how how much it's affecting you right so it can be making a plan with your partner right about so it's how do you get that buffering for how do you set up an infrastructure of buffering for yourself right like oh I know that when a certain thing happens so you know many of us have these like code words or a hand squeeze or a something yes to be able to um to be able to help us regulate and get out of the situation.

1:03:11But honestly, it sounds like that's a really good time to maybe explore it with a therapist and understand what that trigger is for you, and then understand what is that corrective experience, right? Because one of the pieces that we understand is that these corrective experiences can then help to rewire our stress response. So maybe it's that I actually didn't feel safe holding a boundary that, and so maybe I got to say to, you know, my mother-in-law, actually, you know what? We're not coming for Thanksgiving this year. I know that it's very upsetting for you. And, uh, but this is what our family's choice is, right?

1:03:59So really understanding how do you show up for yourself in those moments in a way that creates a corrective experience for you.

1:04:08Mel Robbins:One of the other things about your work, Dr. Burke Harris, that I think is important for you to explain because you're very clear about the fact that willpower, motivation, and mindset often fail when you have an overactive nervous system. So could you as a doctor just kind of explain if you're dealing with this issue of motivation, you can't get your resume done, you can't seem to do the get up and go, you're in that loop of thinking about what you need to do, but you can't quite get the juice to do it. What is going on when that's happening that relates to this overactive stress response? Yeah.

1:04:50So the analogy that I like to give is the way that our stress response works is that you can imagine if you're walking in the forest and you see a bear, right? Like what happens in our brains and bodies? Right? Well, the first thing is our amygdala, right? Which is our brain's alarm system sounds the alarm and tell our brain and body to release stress hormones. So we release adrenaline and cortisol. So our hearts start to pound, Our pupils dilate. Our airways open up. We shunt blood to our big muscles for running and jumping and away from that itty bitty muscle that holds your bladder closed. So you may pee your pants, but there's no judgment.

1:05:32Right. And so you're ready to either fight the bear. Yes. Or run from the bear. Yes. But if you were to think about it, fighting a bear would not seem like a good idea, would it? No. And that's why the amygdala actually sends neurons, it sends projections to the prefrontal cortex. That's the part of the brain that sits right here behind the forehead. And this is the part that's responsible for judgment, impulse control, executive functioning. And it turns it way down. Because the last thing you want, if you're in a forest and there's a bear, is some impulse control getting in the way of survival.

1:06:13Mel Robbins:Right, because if you were to make a rash, stupid decision to then go try to fight a bear, you would be dead. Right, exactly. And I take it when you're a little kid, if you're in a situation where you're under threat, that the same mechanism is happening, which is why a lot of us freeze or hide or run or do something different than put up the dukes and go after dad. That's exactly right. Now, that is what we call the fight or flight response. Or you're absolutely right. The other thing that can happen is that you can freeze. So there's a fight, flight, or freeze. And then the other thing that happens, and especially it's more common with women, is that you can fawn.

1:07:02It's the affiliative response. What does that mean? So that means is that you become compliant. You people please for your own safety.

1:07:11Mel Robbins:Yes. All of these are driven by safety. All of them are driven. Because in that moment when it's the bear or it's dad or it's systemic racism or it's bullying at school, no one's there. Right. Right. And so you're having to figure out how to survive this situation. And so this is the ways in which our stress response become wired for survival. Got it. Right. For the folks who really just can't get themselves organized or are procrastinating, even though that is when we see that prefrontal cortex is really just having a really hard time engaging, right? Because the amygdala is on overdrive. And that's actually biologically what happens.

1:08:08And that's why buffering is so important.

1:08:11Mel Robbins:This is so important because if you're trying to power through your own biology, you probably are always going to exhaust yourself and not win. But if you recognize that your biology is like subconsciously so quickly causing you to either freeze or whatever, the buffering allows you to downregulate your stress so you can re-engage a part of your brain. Is that right? No. It's even, I'm going to say it's even worse than that. In my experience. Yes. So if you are trying to power through. Yes. And you're struggling to do it because of your biology, but you don't know. Yes. You're going to say, why can't I do it?

1:08:57Look at that guy over there. Yes. He can do it, but I can't do it. I suck. Right? And that's where the shame layer comes in. Right? And what does shame do? Shame doesn't only increase our stress, but it also isolates us. So it makes us less likely to connect to the thing that we actually need to be successful. Right. And that's why understanding the biology is so powerful because it takes out where you're like, oh, oh, this is just my overactive stress response. Right. And this is how it shows up for me. That's a sign that what I need right now is buffering connection support. It means that I need to do these self-regulation practices.

1:09:44Yeah. I need to do some mindfulness, some journaling, go for a walk, go for a workout. And I need to be able to get support from someone who I feel safe with. Dr.

1:10:00Mel Robbins:Burke Harris, this is so awesome because you're explaining how the biology is keeping you stuck without even realizing it, but you offer a very hopeful message because the same biology that puts you in an overactive stress response that over time compounds into these things that we experience as an adult, whether it's autoimmune disorder, chronic procrastination, the shame cycles that you get yourself caught in because you see other people, why can't I do it? What the hell's wrong with me? But your message is hopeful because you say that the same biology that basically became overactive can adapt.

1:10:41Can adapt, right? And one of the most important things for that adaptation is corrective experiences.

1:10:50Mel Robbins:Okay, so what does that mean? So this is something that I learned from very smart researchers. One of them, Dr. Frank Anderson, is a psychologist who focuses on internal family systems. But we see this also with other trauma therapies like EMDR. DR. And essentially what it says is whatever it is that you learned, right? I learned that if I asked for help, no one would come to my aid. Then the corrective experience is asking for help and actually getting it. And then your body and your brain and your nervous system can learn that. How do you do that if even the idea of asking for help sends your nervous system into an overactive state?

1:11:45Mel Robbins:Right, right. So for someone who's really struggling, I really recommend getting support. Yeah. Right? Getting support, whether that is from a licensed professional, right? Or even in the context of talking with a great girlfriend who you really trust and say, you know what? I'm telling myself this story that if I ask for what I need, I'm not going to get it. Sometimes that support is with pharmacotherapy. So sometimes we need a little something to help us be able to balance and regulate our stress response so that then we can learn, right? Like our biology can learn, oh wait, there's a different outcome here.

1:12:50If the person listening starts to use these tools

1:12:56Mel Robbins:and you start to provide the buffering for yourself, I am here. What are some of the small little glimmers that you might notice that are signs that this is working? Honestly, some of the things that I've noticed in my own life and in my own relationships is that we can be less reactive, right, and more responsive. Um, what I've seen in my clinical practice is that, um, when we add this buffering to whatever the standard treatment is, whether it's ADHD or a child's not growing or whatever, then we see clinical improvement, right? So whether it's, you know, headache or abdominal pain, just when we add that layer of buffering, we're able to regulate the stress response.

1:13:58We see the impacts both behaviorally in terms of how we show up both for ourselves and in our relationships. And then we also can see the difference in our health.

1:14:11Mel Robbins:That makes sense to me because I know in my own experience that there are still things almost daily that trigger me. It knocks me off my balance for a moment and then I can take a deep breath because I've been practicing the buffering skills without really truly understanding it as a complete way to be there for yourself and to heal yourself. your response time is so I don't snap at my kids anymore I'm faster to apologize I'm more patient I'm way more compassion with annoying people in my life and I can just exhale and be there for myself and it's shocking how much things change you know can you speak to the person that's been listening who is realizing that somebody that they love has a lot of adverse childhood experiences.

1:15:10Mel Robbins:And they can see that this person that they love is in an overactive stress response. What is one thing that you want them to know that they could do to support this person in their life other than sending them this episode? One of the most important things, in addition to being there for ourselves, right? So being a regulated presence, so regulating ourselves, can also be just being a witness to their experience, right? And being able to recognize and say, wow, I can see how that impacted you. And then letting them know that we love them, right? And that healing is possible. I love that. I love that.

1:16:12Mel Robbins:Yeah. Dr. Burke Harris, if the person listening takes just one action based on all of the wisdom and love and buffering that you've poured into us by being here today with us, what do you think the most important thing to do is? I think the thing that enables all of this is really having the courage to look and say, do I have some aces? Right? And is that showing up in my life right now? And then go from there and say, okay, well, if that's the case, what does that mean about how I show up for myself? What kind of supports do I need so that I can be well-supported, right? And then so that I can show up for the people in my life.

1:17:12Mel Robbins:Dr. Burke Harris, what are your parting words?

1:17:17Well, because I am a super public health nerd, I will say, I believe infrastructure is love in action. What we build, the systems that we build in our personal lives for ourselves, whether it is connecting to a strong group of friends who we feel safe with, right? But building it ahead of time and not waiting for the wheels to fall off the cart, that would be like one of the most important things.

1:17:57Mel Robbins:Well, Dr. Burke Harris, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are a global treasure. I am so appreciative of the time that you took to come here and to teach everything and share everything that you did with us. And I cannot wait to see how this one conversation creates a positive wave of change in people's lives around the world. Mel, it has been my pleasure, my joy. Thank you so much. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for making the time and spending time listening to something that not only might have rocked your world, but I hope it opened your eyes and it opened your heart to a completely different possibility.

1:18:46Mel Robbins:And I love the fact that Dr. Burke Harris gave us a research-backed playbook that you can follow so that you can start to do the healing that you deserve, so that you can start to buffer yourself now, so that you can use this I am here method to start with yourself. And there's no doubt in my mind. I believe her that it begins with the systems you put in place for yourself, for your family, for community. And from there, by taking care of yourself, I think we actually take care of improving the world. And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.

1:19:28Mel Robbins:And one way that I can prove that is you took the time to listen to this. And if you follow what Dr. Burke Harris said, you will create a better life. Alrighty. I will see you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

1:19:48Mel Robbins:Okay, Bri, Trace, we ready? Awesome. We got a big thumbs up. Brian, I love the shirt today. You know, I love it when you're wearing your crazy shirts. I miss the shirt. Well, just tell your wife, okay? This is why I came here and I'm like, we're the same person. Yes. I'm going to tell you know how you end your thing. You're just like, if somebody else doesn't say I love you, I'm going to tell you right now. I love you. I was journaling this morning because I start every day with journaling. And I was just like, oh, I'm kind of nervous, you know, going on Mel's podcast. But I'm like, this will be successful if Mel is my friend.

1:20:30There you go. This is successful already. It's already successful. Yes, just because you showed up. Oh, my God. You're so awesome. You're so awesome. Did you get everything? Perfect.

1:20:41Mel Robbins:Yay! You did dynamite. Oh, my goodness. Thank you. So proud of you. Thank you. It's going to help so many people. That was so fun. You really, you really make it fun.

1:20:57Mel Robbins:Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. this is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

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