Overloaded, Exhausted, and Ready for a Reset: 3 Doctors Give Their Best Advice

26:14That's what agency is. And I think that's power. I love that she took the time to explain that because when you're in the mode of caregiving, you feel like you have no power. You feel like things are completely out of control. And I personally have heard the word agency a bazillion times. You may have too. But I really never understood how it was connected to control and power until Dr. Lakshman explained it that way. It's true. Agency is what's missing when you're burnt out because you feel like you have no control. It's being able to say, okay, I can't fix everything, but I can handle this one thing today.

26:53That's where things start to shift. That's how you get a little of yourself back by reminding yourself, I don't have to worry about all of the outliers here. I can just remind myself that I have control over this one little thing that I'm gonna handle. That's the crack in the wall. That's where the light starts to come through. and we're going to let a lot of light in because Dr. Lakshman is here and she has five simple questions that she uses with her patients as a check-in. I want you to answer them for yourself because in hearing these questions and answering them, you're going to locate yourself and know exactly where you are, where your energy is going, where that energy is leaking and why you feel so depleted.

27:39Doesn't that sound good? Of course it sounds good. You know what else sounds good? taking a little break right now to hear a word from our sponsors, because we're already talking a lot about how you need a break and how to get those breaks. And while you're listening to our sponsors, do yourself a favor and share this with someone in your life who is also caring for little kids or caring for an aging parent. It's one of the most beautiful things that you could do to let a friend or a sister or a brother know that they're not alone. In fact, we aren't alone. We're in this together, and we've got three extraordinary medical experts who've shown up to give you the support that you deserve.

28:15So don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me.

28:29Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing this conversation with people that you care about. and thank you for taking the time to listen to this and get yourself the support that you need. So this is almost like you walking into her office and Dr. Lukshman is sitting there and she's gonna ask you the same five simple questions, gonna help you find some agency. And as you listen, I want you to notice which one of these five questions really hits a nerve. Now that's not a sign that you're doing anything wrong. It's a clue about where you need to start to regain your agency and control.

29:06And don't worry, tools are coming a little bit later to help you do just that. Right now, we're just gonna go through these five questions, okay? They're gonna give you an inventory. And before I let Dr. Luxman ask you these five simple questions, I do wanna say this. If your answer to all five questions is, nope, I don't do that. I don't even know how to start doing that. Dr. Luxman gets it. She's been there. We all have. You're not failing. You're just way overdue for a check-in. And these questions, it's not about setting perfect boundaries. It's just about getting honest with yourself. That's where you start.

29:42Because once you get honest with yourself, things can start to shift. Because you can't control everything. But if you ask yourself these five questions honestly, it's going to tell you exactly what is the one thing you need to change. So here's Dr. Pooja Lakshman asking you those five questions that are going to assess the areas where you can find more agency. Do I feel motivated to tackle my tasks or am I overwhelmed or am I apathetic? Are there any particular people or situations that are constantly draining me? Do I set aside regular time for rest or am I always pushing through and gritting my teeth?

30:26Do I ever ask for help? And when people offer help, am I able to actually receive it? Am I making time for things that truly matter to me, not to my kids, not to my partner, not to society, but to me? Or am I constantly caught up in things that don't serve me? I think I just heard the person who's with us right now slump a little. There were a couple of those, especially the one, do I set aside time for rest? Or am I always pushing through? That really was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. What does it tell you as a psychiatrist when someone is answering these questions as a, no, I don't feel like I can tackle my tasks, or I'm really drained by situations, or I never rest, or I don't allow people to help me, and I definitely don't make time for things that truly matter to me, not to everyone else.

31:24And frankly, I don't even know what matters to me. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else. Like, what does that tell you when you walk somebody through these questions? The reality is that's all of us. That is all of us. That is all my patients. That is me at various times in my life. I think that we need to understand we are all under these pressures. So of course you're going to feel this way. And when I see this come up in my practice, again, this is everybody, naming it is so powerful because then we can actually say, okay, what do we do? How do we work on this? I imagine that most folks listening are, yeah, they checked off yes for everything.

32:06I don't want anybody to panic. I don't want you to freak out. If you've checked all these things, you might be burnt out. But I think that we kind of treat burnout as like this dreaded, catastrophic thing. But when something is so dreaded, you engage in denial, you engage in avoidance. And then it takes landing yourself in the hospital or losing your job, getting into a car accident to finally say, oh yeah, I guess, I guess I am burnt out. So in reality, I think that we need to understand that's just part of the game right now because of the world that we live in. And the whole process of boundaries and real self-care is to recognize it sooner, to recognize it when it's like a little B burnout as opposed to a big B burnout so that you can start to get back on the wagon, start to get back into your boundaries, right?

32:56So you're not reaching that place of on the floor. I'm saying this because I want folks to understand that there are solutions. This is not incurable. And I walk patients through this all the time. And I, you know, I will say, if you're somebody who's type A or perfectionistic or workaholic, not that I know anybody like that, you will probably go through this cycle more often because you are constantly sort of moving forward. So I will say for myself, I go through this like every six months where I have to kind of like reconfigure and think about my boundaries and relearn how to talk to myself.

33:36But there's a silver lining. it gets easier each time. It gets so much easier each time. How do you define burnout? I think it's a little bit chicken and egg when it comes to boundaries and burnout. Because one of the characteristics of burnout is feeling like your actions have no meaning, almost like kind of like a cynicism. Like you're just going through the motions, but nothing that you do actually really matters or is going to impact anything. And when you don't have boundaries, you also sort of feel like everything's closing in on you. You don't have a choice. You're not actually living your life.

34:12Your life is sort of happening to you. I think it's tough. I think that, you know, this is one of the things, this is why therapy takes so long, you know, because you have to tease apart all the different pieces, because certainly not having boundaries makes it more likely that you're going to become burnt out. But when you are burnt out and even little bit burnout, your boundaries are usually worse. So it's like this cycle that keeps going. So what does somebody's life look like if they don't have any boundaries? Yeah, so there's three telltale signs that tell me a patient doesn't have boundaries.

34:47The first is that they are angry and irritable all the time, that everybody around them knows that they're kind of like a ticking time bomb. But the person actually, they just think that they're selfless. They think that they're doing everything for everyone else. So the perfect example is, you know, the mom that stays up all night on Christmas Eve, wrapping all the gifts. And then the next morning is just like a terror and is like, oh my God, like, don't you guys see that this, you know, wrapping paper is like perfect one. And everyone's just like, oh my gosh, like mom has lost the pot. You mean me.

35:20Yeah. You mean me. That is me. Like, and you know what I, what I was thinking is, oh my gosh, I have that. I do get angry. I go overboard and I get angry when I don't feel appreciated. and then I feel like a victim and I have this whole thing where my family takes me for granted and you're not thankful enough when really I didn't need to buy matching wrapping paper. I didn't need to go overboard and basically drive myself into the ground to make everything perfect. And instead of having a boundary with myself and stopping myself, I then become a victim and get pissed off at my family because they don't appreciate all this stuff that they never even asked me to do in the first place, and they don't even want me to do.

36:03Exactly, exactly. And that's actually, that's the other thing that I see. That's the second sign is expecting everybody else to be constantly grateful and thanking you, when in fact they haven't even asked for any of these things. But you have this underlying assumption and need that people need to be pouring their thanks out to you. And then, you know, you're resentful when you don't get it. But the reality is nobody asked for it. You made that choice. The person that doesn't have boundaries is constantly feeling like they are managing their life as opposed to living their life. I see this a lot with my patients who are all women, mostly moms, right?

36:46Like you feel like you're managing your family as opposed to actually being part of your family. because you haven't taken the space to unload some things and actually allow yourself to be present. So another sign is that you constantly fantasize about escape. So whether that is, I just need to go to a retreat for a week. I just need to lay on the beach. So the reality is those are escapes and your mind goes there because you feel so overwhelmed and you feel powerless about actually making decisions and choices in your life? You know, as I'm listening to you, I'm having this massive realization about boundaries.

37:27I've always known that boundaries are not for other people. Boundaries are like my rules for myself. But the mistake that I'm realizing that I made is that I've always made those rules about what I do and don't do with other people. And I've never hit that pause and truly thought about what are the rules that I have for myself that allow me to truly care for myself. And it's a completely different way to look at this topic and why the pause then becomes essential so that you stop yourself from constantly pouring into everybody else and then running them over when they're not grateful like I always do or feeling like the victim or unappreciated.

38:13Wow, this is like kind of pulling on a string of a sweater and now my whole life is unraveling before my eyes and I realized I have a lot of work to do. I'm so sorry. Well, I should be thanking you. I'm happy to do the work to not drive myself crazy and into the ground and make my family the villains here. So it does beg the question though, how the heck do you start? I mean, am I gonna put my hands on my hips and be like, all right, no wrapping on Christmas presents. You guys are getting them in the grocery bags this year and you better be grateful. Like I have a boundary. Like how do you do with this?

38:44Well, don't do that. Okay. You wanna start small. And so that means actually not with your family because your family is actually the hardest. That's like advanced level, setting boundaries with family or in-laws. You want to actually start really, really small. Why is it hard to set boundaries with family? Because you have years and years and years of history with family that you have to undo. So if mom has been folding laundry and putting everyone's folded laundry in their drawers for the past 30 years, and all of a sudden mom says like, hey guys, I'm not going to do laundry anymore. Like people are going to have some feelings.

39:22You have to let go of control. You have to let the other person do what they're going to do. Even if it means a messy underwear drawer and it drives you crazy, you have to let go of control. The other thing is it's going to take longer. People are going to do it their own way. A lot of times we avoid the yes, no, and negotiate because it's just easier to say yes and just do it and get it done. And then you can just move on with your day. But instead, when you stop and you negotiate or you say no, or it's this whole thing, and we kind of trick ourselves into thinking it's not worth it. But the reality is it is worth it because you're setting new expectations for the future.

40:00For yourself and for them. Correct. That I'm not going to get upset about this because my energy is needed elsewhere. Correct. Wow. So how do you get started if we're going to start small and not with our family? So you want to start at really low stakes risks. So very baby risks. So I will tell you with my patients and even for me at times, it's remedial. It's like, I am going to sit down and eat lunch. You mean like actually eat, but not stand and eat and work and talk and eat? And not in front of my computer. Yes. I'm going to sit down at a table and actually eat lunch. I have a patient who is a healthcare worker.

40:39And so as we got to working on these things, we realized she can go an entire eight-hour shift on the wards working and not eat anything and not drink anything, not even have a sip of water. So we start small. We start really basic. Okay, every hour, you're going to go to the nurse's station and you're going to drink some water. That's where you start. You do not start with your kids and Christmas or your mother-in-law and Thanksgiving. You start by the drinking water. Those skills, they build on each other. They give you confidence and then you work your way up. And you may be thinking, water?

41:18But I don't think you realize how little space you give yourself to take care of yourself. Just stop and think, are you drinking enough water? For real? And could you make the one change where starting today, you're going to take a break every hour, just put a little alarm on your phone, have it go off in an hour. And I want you to either take a drink of water or stand up from where you're sitting or take a deep breath for a minute and just inhale and then exhale. It sounds so dumb, doesn't it? But I got to tell you, it's everything. Because what she's teaching you to do is to tap the brakes on the runaway day that you have and force yourself to tune back in and take care of yourself.

42:07And let's be honest, if you can't once an hour remind yourself with the alarm, you need the alarm, I need the alarm, to drink some water or take a deep breath or stand up from where you've been sitting, how the heck are you going to do the bigger things? You're not. And so this is a way for you to find a small moment of control when you are in a situation caregiving where there is a lot out of your control. But if we can start here, we can build from there. And one of the reasons why I wanted you to learn and be supported by Dr. Lakshman is because I think particularly if you're listening and you're a woman, you tend to feel guilty when you're not just go, go, go, go, go for your job.

42:56Go, go, go, go, go for your kids. Go, go, go, go, go for your partner. Go, go, go for your parents. And that's why you and I are not starting with some big dramatic change. because I know you don't take any time for yourself because you already feel guilty about it. That's why you're going to start with something tiny, something easy. So the alarm goes off, have I had any water? No, I'm going to take a sip of water. Every time you do it, it builds on each other. It's like a foundation that you're building. And once you start, they start to stack. You drink the water. Next thing you know, you're sitting down for lunch.

43:26Next thing you know, you are getting to bed at a consistent bedtime. Next thing you know, you're getting yourself dressed before you help everybody else get dressed because you can't control everything, but you can change something and you have to start small. That's what Dr. Lakshman is all about. And she's about to walk you through this. How do you start small so the guilt doesn't stop you from doing it? Here's Dr. Lakshman counseling you. The number one reason that my patients struggle with boundaries is the guilt. So I'm going to share a little, a tool that can help with the guilt. So imagine that you are at a sushi restaurant.

44:10So one of those sushi restaurants where the plates are coming around on the conveyor belt, there is a sushi chef and he is at the center of all the plates. That chef, the sushi chef, is your brain. That's your mind. The plates of sushi that are going around the conveyor belt are your thoughts and your feelings and your memories and your desires rolling through over the course of the whole day. And now, you know, you're sitting at that sushi bar, there's going to be plates that are really appetizing, like that you're going to want to pick up and grab and gobble. But then there's going to be plates that like really are unappetizing.

44:46And we all have different things where we're like, oh, I just want to push that away. Yes. But you don't do that at a sushi restaurant. You just let the plates go by. So that's how we need to think about guilt. Guilt is not something that is, it doesn't need to be our moral compass. It is just one feeling that is there among many other feelings and thoughts. And when we frame all of our decisions around boundaries based on guilt, we're giving it way too much power. The reason that I think that this, hopefully, this metaphor helps for folks is because when you visualize the sushi train, you're able to see that the guilt is just one small piece over everything else.

45:29And if you spend all of your time trying to avoid feeling guilty, you're actually giving the guilt just as much power. So I'm thinking about the person who is taking their break and they're going to have their water and a little snack. And the second that they go down one floor and they hide in a room that nobody else is in so you can just take a break and set that boundary, the feelings of, I should really get back to work. I shouldn't stay so long. I'm going to get in trouble if I'm doing this. You're saying every one of those thoughts are just a sushi plate of sea urchin going by, and you can just let it come and let it go and stay and have your water and keep in the pause.

46:16Correct. Your job is to learn how to tolerate the guilt. And I know that this is difficult, but the good news is that as you start to practice it, it becomes easier. The volume goes down on the guilt. It never completely goes away, but it gets so much softer. It becomes more of a whisper and you're able to be like, oh, it doesn't bother you. How do you counsel a patient who is coming to you and the guilt is related to being a single parent or related to caring for an aging parent or somebody that is going through an illness and it's just nonstop? How do you handle boundaries and truly caring for yourself or asking for help in those situations?

47:03Yeah, well, look, people who are in those situations usually are in fight or flight. Their nervous system is hypervigilant and stressed for good reason. They are carrying so much responsibility. So the first piece is just to acknowledge the grief, really. Just acknowledge how hard this is and how much it sucks, really. That validation goes a really long way. After that, there's a couple things. Recognizing that by setting a boundary, by pausing, you're not always going to be able to say no, right? The boundary is the pause. understanding that that will feel uncomfortable because there are a lot of people depending on them, but they have to start somewhere small, right?

47:44We're just, we're talking about the small things, the feeding and watering yourself. You'll be able to work up to the bigger things and acknowledging in those situations, like, yes, there is going to be a cost. Like balls will drop. You know, Nora Roberts talks about the rubber balls versus the glass balls, right? You need to know what those rubber balls are. Can you give us examples of what they are? It's things like I have three kids and they're all in different schools. And those schools, each one is like 30 minutes from the other. Do my kids really all need to go to schools that are 30 minutes from each other?

48:17That is a choice. That is a choice that you have made. Here's another example. And I talk about this in the book. I'm the one who is taking care of my father. My mother passed away. I have other siblings, but they are not contributing at all. And I've been taking this. I've been taking this for years and years and years, but you're finally going to understand that you can't do it all by yourself and you will get sick if you continue to keep doing it all by yourself. So again, that's kind of like setting the boundary and understanding I need to have a hard conversation with my siblings. They need to chip in as well.

48:55I just love listening to her. One of the things that changed in my life after learning from Dr. Lakshman, all the things that she's sharing with you right now, is I started truly eating lunch at work. I was the kind of person that was like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. I couldn't possibly take a lot. And forcing myself to stop for 20 minutes and sit down and have a proper lunch made me feel human and more in control. It made me feel as though work wasn't running me over, that I still had a say. And so I'm telling you that because it would be easy to dismiss this advice as something that doesn't really matter.

49:38But I can't tell you enough how much this does matter. So start small because when you start doing this, what you're actually learning is how to dislodge that internalized guilt because it's the guilt that you got to do it all that keeps you pushing even when you're breaking. You know, I also kept thinking about something else that's just as powerful. And that's the story that you tell yourself that you can't stop, that you couldn't possibly take a break, that if you're not there, everything's going to fall apart. If you don't get this thing done today, you know, then you're a lousy daughter or you're screwed or whatever.

50:14The stories that you're repeating in your own head, you have to do it all. If I don't show up, no one will. Like, you know, their well-being is my responsibility. If I'm not there, who's going to be there? I don't have anybody to help. That story is shaping what you tolerate. It shapes what you believe that you're allowed to feel or what you're allowed to ask for. And that brings me to the next amazing medical doctor and expert on this topic, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, who will tell you how he changed the story he was telling himself as he was in his busy medical practice and taking care of his father who was dying.

50:53He's going to give you a very specific before and after picture so you can understand exactly what he did and how he did it, the changes that he made. And Dr. Chatterjee is going to tell you what a huge difference it made when it came time to then take care of his aging mother. And since I've been telling you, you got to learn how to take quick breaks for water or go to the bathroom or eat lunch, I'm going to take a break right now and give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words with you. And I also want to give you a chance to share this conversation and these three medical experts with people in your life who are caring for people in their lives.

51:31We all need support. We all need to be reminded that we need breaks. And we all need the simple things that we can do based on the research that gives us back that feeling of control and agency that we so deserve. And don't go anywhere. Because while we're going to take that short break, you're going to hear a word from our sponsors. I would love for you to share this with people in your life who could really use the support. Take a moment and do that. I'll be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me.

52:08Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. I'm thrilled that you're still here. I'm thrilled that you took the time to share this with people in your life who are stressed out because they're caregiving. And I'm also thrilled that you are getting supported by your buddy Mel and also by these world-renowned medical experts. We were just talking about all the stories that you have in your head when you're dealing with caregiver stress, how you're driven by guilt, the shame that you feel, the resentment that you feel bad about feeling, whether it's because your friends aren't in this situation or your sister isn't helping or you just can't believe how long your mom is holding on.

52:46and look, I know that's a terrible thing to say, but you may be feeling it, so let's normalize it. That feeling that I have to do it. If I don't show up, no one's gonna show up. Their wellbeing, my responsibility. That story that you're telling yourself right now, that determines what you tolerate. It also shapes what you believe that you're allowed to feel, that you're allowed to ask for, that you're allowed to talk about. Now, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, he knows this storytelling all too well because he lived it. Dr. Chatterjee is a British physician with 20 years in medical practice. He's a best-selling author, a medical expert for the BBC, and he hosts Europe's number one health and wellness podcast.

53:27He's also the author of the brand new best-selling book, Make Change That Lasts. He is a busy guy, and when his father got sick, he threw himself, just like you had thrown yourself, headfirst into the caregiving role, not just with his time, but with his identity. Caregiving for his dying father became who he was, and it almost broke him. But what's beautiful is what he learned from it, and how that pain transformed the way he lives now and how he approaches caregiving. And that's why he's the perfect person to show up today to support you and teach you this last lesson. You are not here to disappear.

54:10Here is Dr. Chatterjee's inspiring story as he tells it. I know how stressful it can feel. I know how it can feel that there's no way out and you have no time for yourself. I was there. I was there for a long, long time. Now, I can reflect back and, you know, to put it in real context, in the months and years leading up to dad's death, this is what my life used to look like. I would wake up. I lived five minutes away from my mom and dad. I'd wake up at about five. I'd go round to mom and dad. I'd help get dad up. I'd help get him shaved and ready. And that could take all kinds of time, depending on what was going on and how well he was.

54:57I'd then come home, try and see my wife and my young baby boy. Then I'd drive to work as a primary care doctor and be busy in the day. I'd try sometimes on lunch if one of the home visits was near my parents' house, I'd try and nip in and just check how dad was doing. I'd then go back to work. On the way back from work, after a long day seeing patients, again, I'd go. I'd often end up coming back home feeling really, really stressed. My wife would already put my son to bed. I was chronically stressed. if I think about it now the impact on my marriage on those early years as a father you know I don't believe in regrets I really don't I believe regrets in many ways are a form of perfectionism but I believe I can learn from the past and I can learn from those mistakes not even mistakes I can learn from those experiences ago if I was in the same situation again and I have been in a similar the situation over the last few years because my mom has become more and more unwell.

55:58I'm very different now looking after my mom. My mom's like 84, 85. How are you different? It's not my identity that I'm the only person who is going to be here and responsible for everything, right? With my dad, I made it my identity. It was who I was. My dad being well was a reflection of who I was as a human being, right? I would do everything. If dad wasn't well, I'd done something wrong. I was going to go and fix it. That creates so much inner torture when you see yourself like that. No one expected that. Like that was a story I created inside my own head. Was it real? I think a lot of caregivers do.

56:42Yeah. That it's all on me. This is my identity. If they're not doing well, it's my fault. If I'm not here, no one's here? It's not dissimilar in some ways. I mean, when I read the letter theory, one of the things I find really powerful about it is the separation between me and the other person, but in a really beautiful way, not a separation that I don't care. In your book, you write about how it's okay for other people to feel their emotions and feel disappointed. And, you know, you can apply the same principle here, Mel, where if the cost, and this was the cost, if the cost of looking after my dad meant that it was going to impact my ability to be a good father and a good husband, that's a cost I wasn't aware that I was paying.

57:37But now I know. Now, to be really clear, I have a great relationship with my kids. I'm happily married. It's just passed 17 years recently, okay? things are great. But I've learned from that. And now with my mom, who I love just as much as my dad, I'm not falling into the same traps. Well, what I love about the fact that you as a doctor and as a son shared that you made it your identity. You drove yourself into the ground. That didn't help your father. It didn't help you. It didn't help your mother. And that we've talked a lot about small changes. And maybe the small change that somebody could make is if you're able to see that this doesn't have to be your identity.

58:20It's just one of the things that you are taking care of because you really are the kind of person that values taking care of somebody else. It's part of your values, but it doesn't define you. That maybe that allows you to claim another five to 10 % of your time back and say, it's okay if they have a bad day. It's okay if they're struggling right now. It's okay if they're alone for 20 minutes. This is so key, Mel. Exactly. And that's why I brought out your book, right? Because it's a key theme that I got from that book that I think totally applies here. I couldn't tolerate something, me or someone not being there for my dad to meet his every needs, right?

59:10But it's ridiculous. It's utterly ridiculous, right? I would argue that I care just as much for my mother as I did for my father, but in a completely different way. I practice self-care. I will do these things for my own health. I will also, the truth be known, if for whatever reason I can't do something, I'm not going to kill myself like I used to to get it done. I'm like, actually, you know what? On balance, it's okay. I can't meet every need for my mom anymore. Okay, it's okay. If sometimes she wants me around and I can't be there, that's okay, right? And it's okay to come around and see her disappointed, okay?

59:55That's okay. And the funny thing is, I would almost argue that I'm caring for my mom in a much better way. When I'm around that, I'm not tired. I've got the energy. I've given myself five minutes each day. And then there's another powerful story at the start of chapter one, where I talk about my dad's funeral, Mel. And I remember I had back pain for years, chronic back pain. And I saw this amazing muscular skillet who helped it like 70, 80 % for sure. But there was still this niggling tightness. And I can still remember, Mel. 2013, I'm at my dad's funeral. I'm in my best suits. We've just had the ceremony.

1:00:32and I can still remember being at Manchester Crematorium, watching the body go into the flames and the tiniest of my right back just vanished. And I second guessed myself, I said, did that just happen? I know that happens, right? And what I've realized, because I've read for years about how the body stores emotions. Of course. But that's the first time I truly got it. I got it. I was like, oh my God, the weight, the pressure that I put on myself that I'm the one who's responsible for my dad's well-being, even though it was dad who was sleep deprived for 30 years, chronically stressed, you know, didn't take his holidays, somehow it's my responsibility.

1:01:15That was giving me backache. It's absolutely crazy now to realize that I needed to see my dad's flesh and blood being burnt for my body, for my subconscious to finally realize, oh, it's not on you anymore. That back pain was the weight of expectation I put on myself to look after him. So for the person listening and all of the people that they're about to share this with who are just the relentless demands of being a caregiver, what is the one thing that they could shift right now to reclaim a little space for themselves without feeling like you're giving up on someone else? Yeah, there's two things.

1:01:59Okay. Okay, there's not one thing, there's two things. One of them is what we've already spoken about. And it's the cliche of putting on your oxygen mask first, okay? If you do a five-minute action for yourself each day, I promise you, you will be better able to look after whoever you have to look after in your life. When you think you don't have any time for yourself, that it's all on that person. And frankly, take this away from being a caregiver for a sick elderly parent. What about mothers? Or an autistic child. Yeah. Like my practice was full of, well, many people for years, right? But I saw a lot of mothers who literally never gave themselves any time.

1:02:40Everything was for their partner, their parents, their children. Like they did nothing for themselves. They didn't feel that they could. And actually one of the biggest things I would teach a lot of my patients throughout the years was that I gave them, well, I didn't teach them this. I shared with them how important it was. and a lot of them would come back to me and say, hey doc, you know what you've done for me? You've given me permission to relax. You've given me permission to look after myself. Even if you've got the most tax and care job in the world, I promise you have five minutes for yourself each day, right?

1:03:13You have five minutes to nourish yourself. That will make you a better carer. It will make you kinder. It will make you healthier. And it will really do something quite special to how you view yourself. So that's the first thing I'd say. The second thing I'd say, and it goes back to why I believe a daily practice of solitude is the most important thing. If you sit with yourself each day, whether it's a three, four, five breath, or you just frankly sit in silence with your cup of coffee and you're not scrolling email at the same time, you will start to feel things in your body, right? So Mel, what was going on for years with me that I never knew because I was too busy and I didn't have solitude was when my stress load is building up, I start to feel tightness in my right upper back.

1:04:01When I was so busy, I never paid attention. Now, because I have a daily practice of solitude, when I feel that tightness in my right back, it's like an early warning signal. When I feel that pressure coming up, Mel, I'm like, oh, what's going on in my life? Oh, there's a difficult conversation I need to have with my wife. I've taken on too much at work. Maybe I need to really switch off this weekend. Whatever it might be, it's an early warning signal to tell me that I need to take aversive action. And at the moment, Mel, people are not doing this. In the UK, 88 % of people are thought to have experienced some degree of burnout in the past two years.

1:04:43I mean, that is a really damning indictment of the state of modern society. And what I'm trying to say for the person listening right now is that one of the ways that you will improve every aspect of your life is with a daily practice of solitude. Start listening to yourself, feel where the tightness is in your tummy, your back, your neck, right? and then start asking yourself, what is this telling me? And you will start to develop this inner trust in yourself. You will start to pick up problems before they start to arise. You know, I cannot highlight enough how important this is. And I'm going to give you an example.

1:05:23My husband and I are supposed to go tonight. It's supposed to be a full moon here in Southern Vermont. And we've got really close friends that live about an hour away. We're going to meet halfway between us and go on this short hike and spend some time together today. And exactly what Dr. Chatterjee is telling you to do, trust yourself, take a moment and scan your body. I'll tell you what, I woke up this morning, I love these people that we're supposed to hang out with tonight. One of my big goals is seeing our friends, but the tightness in my back, the stiffness in my neck, I just don't have the energy for it tonight.

1:06:00and knowing that and developing this inner trust that I don't need to go on a hike and see friends. I need to be quiet tonight. I need a really good dinner. I need to rest. That's how you pick up problems before they start to arise. We have this tendency to just push, push, push, push, push. Oh, my friends are gonna be disappointed. Chris really wanna. No, you deserve to also have moments of solitude and rest, but you got to be able to tune in and pick up when you need it. And one other thing that I keep thinking about that Dr. Chatterjee shared was he gave everything to caring for his dad. He made it his identity and that's what made it harder on him, right?

1:06:47And maybe you've made it your identity. Maybe you're trying to be the best this or the best that, or you think you, oh, 1 ,000%, not even 100%. But it wasn't until he let go of the guilt and he stopped trying to control everything and recognized that, hey, I can't just give 100 % to this because then I got zero for my wife and my kids and myself and my patients. Until he had that realization and changed the story and started caring for himself, that's what allowed him to be a better son and a better doctor and a healthier and more present human being. And that's what I want you to take away from this conversation today.

1:07:35First of all, you're not alone. The stress that you're feeling right now, it is real. In fact, I personally like to say this is something that comes from Dr. Lisa Damore. If you're constantly caregiving and you're all stressed out, that's kind of like a mentally healthy response to what you're going through. So you're doing it well and you're not weak for feeling the stress and you're not weak for feeling the resentment. This is just part of the package. Okay? So you're not alone. You're doing this exactly as you should be doing it. And what you're feeling is the appropriate thing to feel based on the situation that you're in right now.

1:08:12Okay? So good job. Second, and this is where we're going to turn the tables. You have way more power than you think. You have way more power than you've been telling yourself. And I hope Dr. Lakshman in particular is convincing you that the smallest of boundaries, taking a drink of water, going for a walk, taking a bath, sitting down and eating lunch, those tiny acts of self-care matter because they signal to you that your identity is not just caregiving. Your value is not just in making sure everybody else is taken care of. Your value is also in the small moments of caring for yourself. Those matter so much.

1:08:56And you can build from there. And so it's so important for you to lean into that advice right now, however you can. And third, you're not here to disappear. You don't get an award if you run yourself into the ground. You are not just a caregiver. You're a person. and you deserve to matter too. And that's why I'm so proud of you for finding the time and making the time to listen to something that will remind you that you deserve to matter too. I am proud of you for listening to and applying the advice of these three amazing medical experts and caregivers who are reminding you that even when everything seems out of control, you can find control by creating small moments for yourself.

1:09:46That's how you do it. That's the realistic way. It's not all that sexy. It's not going to rescue you from where you're at. It's going to actually lift you up and help you with where you're at. And you deserve that. And in case no one else has told you today, let me be the person who tells you. You are doing more than enough. You're allowed to need help too. You don't have to lose yourself in order to care and love the people that you love. And this conversation that you and I have had today matters because you matter. So as your friend, I hope you'll take the pressure off. I hope you will just dispend with the guilt because you are doing more than anybody ever expected.

1:10:29and please, whatever you do, don't forget that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life. One small, brave choice at a time. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I'll see you there.

1:10:57breath what is the right word i don't even know who cares okay oh great this goes right to the i love this great okay great great great great great okay on stand go back up from build from there great did she already do another thing there what do you mean okay great do i have did i do makeup raw? No. Aime, will you look at that and just make sure I didn't smear my mascara on this eye? It's hard for me to tell if that's a shadow or... You can look on the big one. Okay, good. Awesome. Okay. Great job, Aime. No, great job. The prep destroyed it. It's so good.

1:11:45Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. this is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Sirius XM Podcasts