Take Control of Your Mindset: Master Your Mental Habits for a Happier Life

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins and today we're talking mindset reset on the Mel Robbins podcast Let's go.

0:11I'm really excited for today's show because mindset reset is one of my favorite topics. In fact, for years, I taught a course online that I created called Mindset Reset, all about the science of reprogramming the default soundtrack in your mind. More than half a million people have taken that online course. I'm really proud of it. And today I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. If you're brand new to the podcast, I'm Mel Robbins. Welcome. I am one of the world's leading experts on behavior change, motivation and habits.

0:53I'm also a New York Times bestselling author. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I just want to take a minute before we jump into these live coaching sessions to thank you. I always say this is our podcast and I mean it. I couldn't be doing this without you, without you listening, without you sharing, without you submitting topics, sending me videos in the DMs. You are a critical part of the success of this podcast. And I always envisioned that this would just be like, you know, taking a walk with a friend. But you have taken this to an entirely different level. And so from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you.

1:33You are a force for good in people's lives around the world. Thank you for sharing this show. Thank you for listening. Thank you for making our podcast a life-changing, zero-cost resource for people. And today's going to be no different. Today, we're going to do something really cool. You're going to listen in on two live, raw, real coaching sessions. These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head. The first coaching session is with a woman named Poppy who grew up with very, very critical parents. And what's happened is since her parents were so critical when she was little, she is now incredibly critical of herself and she's sick of it.

2:20She wants to evict that jerk in her head. Then we're going to move on to a second listener who is realizing by listening to this podcast that she has been surrounded by narcissists her entire life. And they have beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault. And we're going to talk about the steps she needs to take in order to evict that jerk in her head and program in a positive new soundtrack, one that is all her own, that is empowering. So that's what we're doing today. I invite you to pull up a seat. You are going to laugh. You're going to feel seen. You're going to feel empowered.

2:56You're going to leave with tactical tools and a step-by-step process for giving yourself a mindset reset. So let's get into it with our first coaching session with Poppy, who wrote to me asking for advice on how to change her mindset and get her parents' critical voices out of her head once and for all. Hi, Poppy. Hi. Mel? How can I help you? So like, how does one turn off that voice that's, you know, been programmed into our head, telling us that, you know, our needs, our emotions don't matter, and we must cater to theirs? How do you turn that off? Okay, it's an excellent question. And you don't turn it off, you have to lay a new soundtrack.

3:47If you think about the default mindset, almost like a playlist that runs in the background, that it's almost hard to make it go silent. It's much easier to put a new playlist in there. And so there are two tricks I'm going to give you. Well, before I get into the tricks, I just want to acknowledge something. Great job recognizing that the default thinking doesn't serve you in your life now. So the fact that you recognize, wow, I have this way of thinking that I don't want in my life, and I'm going to do something about it. So that's enormous, and it's amazing. Can you tell me what does this default soundtrack sound like?

4:42What does it say to you? So it says that, you know, whenever I put myself first and don't put, you know, other people first, I'm selfish. Or if I want to do something for myself, it's never going to succeed. Did somebody tell you that? Yes, my parents, actually. All right. So thank you for admitting that. And the reason why your parents told you that is because their parents probably told them that. And so they probably thought that they were protecting you. and instead they sentenced you to a way of thinking that makes you feel terrible. Right. And so when you can recognize who the programming comes from, it also helps because then you can separate yourself from that voice because it's not your voice, it's your parents' voice.

5:54and you have a chance to break this chain. You have the chance to be the one that this playlist dies with. Right. You have the chance to create a whole new way of thinking and talking to yourself. And that's incredible. The first thing that you said is that you have a belief because somebody programmed this into your mind that runs on default, that putting yourself first is selfish. Correct? Right. How does that impact your life?

6:30I get burnout, basically. If you could program a different belief, what would the belief be? That, you know, but worth it, basically. It's okay for me to take care of myself. it's okay for me to have emotions it's okay for me to just be me yeah oh I love this your whole life's about to change because not only is it okay I deserve to feel how I feel right the main mantra I want you to have is I deserve to be happy does this make me happy I deserve to feel happy? Does this make me happy? What would change in your life if you started to tell yourself over and over every single morning when you start your day, I deserve to be happy today?

7:29What would change if you believed that happiness was something you deserved?

7:37Wow. I think that my day-to-day would be a lot better, basically. I would actually, you know, get to cross off all the lists that I put down on my to-do list. I would have self-confidence. I would be able to go out and have a great day with friends. I noticed that I hold myself back a lot because of what's been programmed in my head. And I'm done with that, you know? Well, I'm glad you recognize it. That's a huge step. Most of us sleepwalk through life and don't even realize that we have been trained as little kids to make everybody around us happy and that it's your job to make people happy. It's your job to keep people satisfied.

8:21It's your job to make sure nobody's disappointed with you. And part of the problem is, is that underneath what your story is, which is it's selfish to put myself first, you have an uglier story. And the uglier story, which I recognize because I had this one too, is people will be mad at me if I put myself first. There will be consequences if I do what's good for me. And so that's what you're really wrestling with is that you've connected taking care of yourself with somebody pulling their love way. Yes. And that's why you're scared to put yourself first. This goes way deeper. And so you're doing fantastic on behalf of all of us by recognizing that your own thinking is holding yourself back.

9:17And I can, I can tell you're just sick of it. And so here's what you have to start to do. Number one, I want you to name the voice. Name it? Yeah, give it a name.

9:34Sally, Sue, Jocko, Raul, Michael. We got to name this thing. Oh boy. Vicki, I guess. Vicki. Okay. So when this default programming comes up, you're going to talk back to Vicki. Okay. And literally you can even physically, when you feel yourself holding yourself back, that's the signal that this is default programming. You're going to turn toward Vicki. Let me like, literally, I want you to like turn your body and you're going to look as if Vicki's there and you're going to be like, shut up, Vicki. right now i want to hear you do it shut up vicky yeah but if you uh don't make your boss happy nobody's gonna love you

10:33tell her shut up shut up if you uh don't do exactly what your parents want they're going to be disappointed shut up say it louder i don't believe you shut up say her name shut up vicky

10:57you don't want to believe this shit vicky's saying right nope what do you want to believe and myself yeah your parents want you to be happy they don't know how to make you happy so they're just telling you what their parents told them i'm not saying it's right i'm just saying, this is what people do. You are now an adult. You're not to blame for the crap, the malarkey, the garbage, the gunk, the generational trauma shit that your parents put in your brain. You're responsible now that you're an adult for reprogramming this. And so whenever your mind tells you something that you don't want to think, shut up, Vicki.

11:38I believe that if I'm happy, my parents are going to think they won the lottery. I don't believe that. I believe that if I put myself first, I'm going to do better work. Shut up, Vicky. What the hell? You're not paying my rent. Shut up, Vicky. You're not going to the party. I'm not taking you with you. There's no plus one on this invitation. Shut up, Vicky. By distancing yourself and talking back to it, it loses its power over you. And what also starts to happen is the filter in your brain, the RAS, it's now noticing, Oh, you actually care about empowering yourself. And you're going to see more and more reasons to put yourself first.

12:20But it really does start with, you got to delete that song. Shut up, Vicky. Shut up, Vicky. Shut up, Vicky. On the playlist in your mind from the past. And you've got to insert the new programming you want to run on default, which is I deserve to be happy. My parents are proud of me for being me. Nobody's disappointed in me. And if they are, I'm an adult. I can freaking handle it. And I got to start taking care of myself because I deserve that. Those are your beliefs, period. And whenever you start to feel like, here you go, holding yourself back. Shut up, Vicki. Shut up, Vicki. And you'll notice the more you do this and you take ownership for programming your mind, the less Vicki's going to show up.

13:08Okay. I mean it. Right. I really mean it. If you believed in yourself, what's one change you would make that would improve your life?

13:20I would be less intense, I would say. Why are you intense? Because, um, well, just a little story for you. Like, I'm an immigrant and so are my parents. and they are very tough on me. They're very toxic because of, you know, culture and they feel the need to raise me a certain way. But in terms of, you know, living in America, what they're doing to me, it's very toxic and abusive. So I'm just like always living on the edge, basically. Yeah. And if I could just, you know, embrace myself, I think I would be a more relaxed person. Yes. So are you open to some coaching? Yes. Great. Let's do that when we come back.

14:23Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. And today on the podcast, I'm teaching you and two listeners how to give yourself a mindset reset, which you now know is the process where you intentionally identify the negative soundtrack from your past that's been playing in your head since childhood and making a decision to override it with a positive new soundtrack for your adult life. Why? Because you deserve this. You need to have a positive soundtrack because your thoughts, when you repeat them, they become your beliefs and your beliefs, they become your actions and your actions turn into your habits and your habits define who you are.

15:05And that's why it's critical to change your thoughts because of what they ultimately trigger. Now, Poppy, who you've been listening to, has a very harsh, critical soundtrack that's been playing in her mind from her tough immigrant parents, and it's been wearing her down since she was a little girl. Now that she's an adult, it's her job to delete that old toxic soundtrack, get rid of that critical voice, and lay down a new soundtrack, something that she wants to listen to, something that empowers her. Because when you change your thoughts, you start to change everything. And Poppy, when you do that, you're going to relax.

15:47And the reason why you feel so intense and so stressed and so on edge is because your parents and your childhood, it trained you to believe that at any moment, something could go wrong. Right. And that's your lived experience. That is real. That happened. And that is what happened during your childhood. And it will also help you if you can lose the word toxic, like unless your parents are abusing you, and I don't know that they are or they're not. But if you lose the word toxic and you amplify a little compassion and you say, hmm, I'm not saying what my parents are doing is right. I'm not saying that they didn't cause issues for me emotionally and mentally and psychologically, but they did the best that they could.

16:51And I bet it was kind of hard to immigrate here. And I bet it was really hard for them. And I bet the stakes did feel high. And they felt like outsiders. And they felt like they couldn't mess up. And I bet they took all of that stress that was their lived experience, and out of fear and love, they aimed it at you. Right. And the reason why I want you to drop the word toxic is because I see this word thrown all over the Internet. And it's a very divisive word, particularly if you want to improve your relationship with the people who are engaged in behavior that feels toxic. And so I think your parents probably did the best they could with their experiences in life and with the situation that they were in.

17:44And that if they truly understood what it was like for you as a child, they'd be mortified and horrified and they'd feel terrible. Is that a fair assessment?

17:59I guess for some parts. Okay. So I don't want to have you have to go into your whole family history, but if there's, you know, abuse and that kind of stuff, then yeah, that is toxic and you do need boundaries and you'll figure that out with your therapist. But when it comes to not adding more pressure on yourself, adding a little compassion so that it doesn't feel so personal and accepting the fact that this was a form of like emotional abuse for you that stressed you the hell out. You have this toxic stress in your body. You feel on edge all the time. You can change this. And you can also change this and change the dynamic with your parents.

18:45And the way that you change the dynamics with your parents is by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself. There's always kind of two people in a relationship. When you change, the energy that you bring into that relationship is going to change. And they're going to have no choice but to change in reaction to it. That's how this creates a major ripple effect. because it has held you hostage for far too long and you have the chance to not only heal yourself, but to heal this pattern that's been passed down through your family. Yeah. What are you thinking?

19:27So for right now, we're not really on speaking terms. Yes, they have abused me physically, emotionally, mentally. It's bad. Yeah. Okay. and you said in your note to me when you reached out that you are currently seeking professional help. Yeah. Okay. Since you're not on speaking terms and you're seeking therapeutic health, let's first say this. I am proud of you for getting the help that you need. And I'm proud of you for drawing boundaries that put you first and drawing boundaries that put you first is an example of you believing that you're worthy and that you deserve to be happy. And that's amazing.

20:20Absolutely amazing. And when you continue to start to evict the bully that's in your head by naming that bully and talking back to that bully, you will start to hear and reclaim the most powerful voice on the planet, your own, period. And you don't need to worry about your parents. The time will come, if it ever comes, when you will feel strong enough, confident enough, secure enough, and safe enough to reconnect with them if that's what you choose to do. And if you choose to never do that, that's okay too. Because you deserve to be happy. You do. Okay. What did you get from this conversation?

21:25who basically to have more compassion for others as well as myself yes because part of learning to accept yourself is being compassionate compassion for self is super important you don't have to excuse what somebody did but when you seek to kind kind of understand what was going on, both for yourself, for other people, when you bring compassion to it, that's where you open the door to true power for yourself and where you take control and responsibility for what happens in your life moving forward. You get to decide what happens next. And when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself, again, your whole mindset's going to change.

22:17And that will be what empowers you to create a new relationship if that's what you decide to do in the future. But what you're doing right now is you're actually working on the most important relationship on the planet. And that's the one you have with yourself. Right. Awesome. Thank you so much, Mel. I'm really proud of you. Thank you. And thank you for telling me what you told me because you actually saying, wait a minute, I can hear what you're saying, but there was physical abuse here, Mel. That's you putting yourself first. That's another example of how strong you are. Thank you. You're welcome.

22:58I love you, Mel. I love you too. You're awesome, Poppy. And next up, you're going to hear from a fellow podcast listener who's been impacted by the negativity of narcissism and she's sick of it. And we're to talk about what steps she can take and what steps you can take too when we come back.

23:30Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the negative default programming that's been in your mind since childhood, you know, that critical voice constantly chirping away in the background. You're never good enough. Oh, you didn't get that right. You look fat today. Once you identify that negative default programming, you can erase that bully. You can evict that bully. And more importantly, you can program a new positive mindset, soundtrack, voice in its place. Well, Diane wrote in because she's realizing that she's been surrounded by narcissists her entire life, and they've beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault.

24:16And even though her narcissistic ex-husband is in the rearview mirror, his voice is still in her head. Hi, Diane. Hi. My question comes more, what about when this kind of programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers? You know, and they're just basically building on what your parents or other people have said. Great question. So the question is, what if you've got programming from childhood that now is basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend group, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah. Yes. What is the kind of default negative thing that you say to yourself? It's definitely not good enough.

25:10And who the heck do you think you are? Ooh, the who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it. Yes, it does. Yeah, it does.

25:23So I don't know why I'm going to ask you this, but I'm going to ask you this. were either of your parents on the narcissism personality disorder by chance spectrum well i'm pretty close i would say yes one of them for sure and the reason why i say that is because the who do you think you are has a very um hostile nature to it so i would imagine And again, I'm just guessing, just guessing here that there was a level of either hostility or fighting or outbursts or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid happening with the adults in your house. I've blocked out a lot. I remember more of my adulthood where my ex was a narcissist.

26:17Okay. You know, definitely. Yep. Okay. So I am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out because what happens is that when you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid, because the adults around you can't be trusted or they're erratic or whatever the situation may be, you live in a state of fight or flight and the alarm system in your body's going off. And when you are on edge and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. This comes from research out of UCLA.

27:08Dr. Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system dysregulation impacts the brain's ability to function. And so if you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories. And so super normal to not have a lot of memories, by the way. I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood, from high school, from college, from law school, because I was in a constant state of anxiety, never present in the room to make memories there. And what I want to tell you first is the good news. So the good news is, even though you have been the victim of being with a narcissist, and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain.

28:04You can learn how to calm your nervous system and you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there. Because even though a narcissist or somebody with a narcissistic personality is not deliberately doing this to you, they are so incapable of empathy they're not even considering you and me we're objects they're just doing what they're doing but we get damaged in the way that we think about ourselves when you're around somebody like that because you think you're the problem you think that if there was something different about you then everything would be okay and lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue, they actually tell you that you're the problem.