The Science of Gratitude & 6 Surprising Ways You’re Getting It Wrong

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:07I am so grateful that you tuned in today. This morning was freaking crazy. I came down to New York City and spent the night because I am really excited that the Mel Robbins podcast was selected by Good Morning America as their podcast of the month. So we come down from Southern Vermont. We spend the night in a hotel. I am sound asleep. and at 3.48 in the morning, the freaking fire alarm goes off in the hotel. And it's so loud. It's like, and my first thought was, is it already 6.30? Because that's the time that I'd set my alarm for. And then I realized, oh my gosh, it's the fire alarm. And in my elementary school education.

0:54We went through fire drills so often. I don't know why we did, but there were constant fire drills. And how many times did you have to stop, drop, and roll? Like I literally thought stop, drop, and rolling was going to be a skill that I would use all the time in my adult life. So immediately elementary school Mel takes over and it's as if the principal was coming over the loudspeaker and the hotel management is like, attention, ladies and gentlemen, the fire alarm is going off. We are investigating. The New York City Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your room and await further instructions.

1:37Who on earth is going to stay in their damn room when that is happening at 3.48 a.m. in a high-rise hotel in New York City? Well, I'll tell you, Mel Robbins certainly is not. So I scramble around my hotel room, and these days I sleep naked because I'm constantly having hot flashes, and so I'm soaking wet because I've soaked through the bedsheets. Thankfully, I had laid out my exercise tights. I pull them on. I pull on a T-shirt without a bra. I put on my sneakers. I put on my favorite necklace, and I run out of my door. Now, I do not get in the elevator because I have had training as an elementary school student that if you're ever in a fire in a building with an elevator, you do not get into the elevator.

2:22So I go down eight flights of stairs. And when I push open the door to the lobby, I startle the gentleman that is working at the front desk. And I was surprised there wasn't already a party down there. As I was going down the stairs, I was thinking, I'm going to be late. There's going to be a ton of people down there. We're all going to be in robes and PJs. and I got to get down there and I'm not smelling smoke, but I get down there. I am the only person in the lobby, the only one out of an entire New York City hotel. There is one person in the entire hotel who has decided to leave their room and it is Mel Robbins.

2:57The fire trucks show up and as the fire trucks show up, it was really cute. A family of six, they had their kids in strollers and I could tell they had gotten up in a hurry because shirts were inside out and their shoes. You know, when you put your shoes on really quickly, they become almost like mules instead of sneakers. All six of them had on shoes like that. And then as the firemen start walking in, a second couple come down, tourists from Australia. And it was at that moment that we heard the manager go, attention, attention. This is the hotel manager. Everything is okay. Thank you for your patience.

3:34Good night. And that was it. So I get in the elevator and I look in the mirror in the elevator and you want to know what? It's now like 4.06. I'm wearing my exercise tights, not only inside out, but backwards. So the label is right on my stomach, facing out, and my t-shirt is inside out and backwards. Okay. Thankfully, nobody was in the lobby to notice. So I go back to bed. Now, what happens next? Well, my alarm goes off at 6.30, but I'm such a daze that I don't even know if I heard it. I don't know if I heard it and turned it off. I didn't even remember waking up. And then I wake up again and it is 6.55 and I realize, oh my God, I have registered for a pure bar class and it starts in five minutes.

4:23And Amy, who is my colleague, is probably waiting for me in the lobby. And so I immediately pull on my clothes. It is now 6.57. I see Amy has texted me, are you coming? I then text her, I'm running, hold a spot, grab me socks, and I go out the door. Now, I am panicking and here's why. Have you ever been to a bar class? A bar class is a very unique animal. Because typically, if you are late to a bar class, you are treated as though you have been cut from a New York City ballet tryout. How dare you show up very strict, very precise. The studios have a very strict and precise staff. And so I'm sprinting down to New York City blocks, and I am not in any kind of running shape whatsoever.

5:22So I'm sweating, I'm huffing and puffing. I'm imagining a scenario where I roll into class five minutes late, the person at the front desk, Holt, who goes there? No one goes in class, not you. Don't be late. And so I'm going anyway. I'm going to try because I really want to exercise because it's going to help me do better on Good Morning America this morning, and it's a big morning. And so I am huffing and puffing. I get to the building. I run up the second flight of stairs. I am fully out of shape and about to have cardiac arrest at this point. And I go blowing through the front door. And there is a human rainbow, sunshine, goodness sitting at the front desk.

6:07and I will add that if JVN, you know, from Queer Eye, if he had a doppelganger, he is sitting at the front desk and he has the biggest smile and he says, your friend Amy is all waiting for you. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He just had this radiating goodness. It was as if he put his arms energetically around me. like a beautiful blanket, warm and kind. And we walked toward the studio and he was just so loving. He's like, honey, here, here's your little, you know, here's your thing. And I'm like, oh no, no, no. I'm just going to put my shoes here. Oh, let's put the tennies right here.

6:51Oh, and Amy's already got you set up. Do you have a hairband? Do you have a hairband? I forgot a hairband. Oh, honey, right here. And he was so calm and he was so grounding and so loving. I was in the hands of somebody divine. And he put his arm around me and walked me into the exercise studio. And there was Amy and they had set me up and Amy had even bought me a pair of those sticky socks and they were rainbow socks. Happy pride, everybody. I just felt so appreciative and so much love for not only Amy, but Judah who had walked me in with his arm around my shoulder. I mean, wow. It was the exact opposite of what I had been bracing for.

7:37So after class, I was still buzzing with this appreciation for how he took care of me by the energy exchange, by the care and the generosity and his spirit that I had to thank him. And so I walk up to the desk and I asked him his name and he said it was Judah. And I say, I am just so grateful for you. You are warm and you're caring and you're so generous with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a human ray of sunshine. And when I said you are the human version of a ray of sunshine, he just smiled wide and he said, oh, well, that's the name of my band, Sunshine and the Fox. I can't make this stuff up.

8:25And we had this incredible back and forth. I wanted to tell you that because what I experienced and what I expressed to Judah this morning is an example of what researchers call genuine gratitude. And genuine gratitude is what I had planned on talking to you about today all along. And here this story appears like a gift from the universe on the exact day that we're going to talk about the topic of genuine gratitude. I just love this. And specifically, what I want to dig into is the difference between genuine gratitude and toxic gratitude. And here's the reason why you need to care about this topic.

9:08Because number one, genuine gratitude, it's something that you need in your toolkit. But here's what I've learned based on the research. Most of you are practicing gratitude wrong. And if you're practicing gratitude wrong, you're not getting the full effect of its power. And you're going to learn that there are four specific parts to practicing genuine gratitude based on the research today. And then the second thing we're going to dig into is toxic gratitude. I was very surprised to learn in researching this show that there are six forms of toxic gratitude. And another thing that I was surprised to learn is that I have engaged in all six of them.

9:50I mean, I shouldn't be laughing about it because they're kind of gross. I didn't even realize it. And that's why I wanted to share these six forms of toxic gratitude with you because I bet you're going to have some epiphanies about your own behavior or the behavior of other people. And please, please, please stick around to the end because you know that story I just told you about Barclas and Judah? Well, it's not over. I get choked up when I think about the way the conversation ended, what Judah shared with me, and he has something that he wants to say to you too. But let's go back to unpacking genuine gratitude because I personally found the research around gratitude and what it is and what it isn't to be a helpful place to start before you and I jump into the six types of toxic gratitude that I certainly am guilty of engaging in.

10:44And I bet you're going to recognize some of them too. When you start to look into the research around gratitude, all roads lead to a guy named Robert Eamons. And he's a psychologist and a professor at the University of California, Davis, that researches gratitude, like that's what this guy's known for. And his definition of gratitude is that gratitude is a deep appreciation for what you have received. It will literally rewire your brain when you do it correctly. First of all, you're teaching yourself to scan the world for the positive instead of constantly scanning for the negative. So for example, let's go back to my story this morning.

11:26When I was racing late to the bar studio, I was scanning the world for the negative, wasn't I? And what was happening? I was sweating. I was stressed. I was panting and hyperventilating. I was bracing for the worst. I was probably jacking up my cortisol, which created a negative experience in my body. Genuine gratitude is when you're noticing and appreciating what's happening around you, and that triggers a positive chain of events. There are four different types of neurotransmitters that get stimulated. It also triggers the flow of neuroeparephrine. I cannot say this word. Neuroeparephrine? Neuroeparephrine?

12:09You know what I'm talking about. It's the energy hormone, and I cannot say it. Thank you, dyslexia. And what happens when all of these feel good hormones and the neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine, whatever the heck it's called, you still love me, you feel calmer, you feel brighter, you feel more focused, which in turn makes you feel healthier, it makes you feel happier, it helps with decision making, it helps you with focus. And so there's such a profound chain reaction that happens in your mind. And that's exactly what I experienced this morning. And the second that I started to feel this wave of appreciation toward Judah and how he was taking care of me, I was expressing and feeling genuine gratitude.

12:59This is what the research describes. It did shift how I felt in my body. I did feel calmer. I did start to focus and feel more focused on the positive about the class. I felt a deep level of connection to this person that I had just met seconds ago. Now, one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about toxic gratitude in particular is because gratitude to me feels like it's reached the jump the shark moment. And for those of you that may be too young to understand the happy days reference, it just means that something has gone way overboard. It's no longer in, it's out. And you know how I know when you walk into TJ Maxx or HomeGoods and there are a bunch of pillows that have gratitude on them on the clearance rack, we have all gone way too overboard on the gratitude train.

13:49And it also means that we are not doing it correctly because gratitude is a deep, deep, deep experience and And it's deeply personal. And I will admit to you, I have, in fact, bought a pillow off of the clearance rack at HomeGoods. Mine did not say gratitude. They said thankful. So when we come back after hearing a short word from our sponsors, I'm going to explain the key difference between being thankful and being genuinely grateful based on Professor Edmund's research at UC Davis. And you're going to want to know this because it will help you really understand the six types of toxic gratitude that you need to knock off.

14:33You need to know about. And then we've got three amazing takeaways for how you can cultivate a genuine gratitude practice based on the research. And one more thing, because I am so genuinely grateful that you're here. I have a surprise for you today. I'm so excited. I've been wanting to do this for a while. Well, listen all the way to the end because the Mel Robbins podcast now has bloopers. And why did I want to do this? Because I think it's fun to laugh at yourself. We're doing so much hard work here to try to improve our lives. Let's have a little fun and laugh at one another or me at the end of every podcast.

15:08I can't wait to hear what you think of them. We'll be right back.

15:20Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about the research that explains what genuine gratitude is and the six forms of toxic gratitude that you need to stop doing in your life. All right. So I promised that I would unpack the difference between being thankful versus genuine gratitude. Okay. You ready? So being thankful, think about this as something transactional that's just sort of on the surface. Because if you're thankful, it's automatic, it's in the moment, and it's sort of like good manners, right? If somebody, for example, holds the elevator door for you, you're not grateful.

16:03You're thankful. You say thanks. And the second the doors close, you forget that you said thanks, and they forget that you said thanks because they expected you to say thanks because they held the door open. That is what it means to be thankful. It's transactional. It's automatic. It's momentary. Gratitude, something else entirely. Genuine gratitude is when you are deeply moved. When the emotion of appreciation, the emotion of being connected either to another human being or some larger force that you can't explain. The emotion lingers. And the other thing that's important about gratitude is that it's not expected in the moment from anyone else.

16:54And oftentimes moments of genuine gratitude, they take you by pure surprise and the impact is lasting. It's like a positive energy buzz. And so let's go back to the example this morning with Judah. I was deeply moved by how kind he was. I was so moved that even when I was in class and my quads were quivering and I was huffing and puffing, I was still thinking and feeling this emotion of appreciation for how I was welcomed late into the studio and how I was taken care of. And when I stopped by the desk and I called Judah a human ray of sunshine, he wasn't expecting that. He smiled wide. He might've been expecting a thank you, but no, I expressed this deep, deep emotion.

17:54And I think you can tell because this happened just a couple hours ago, I'm still buzzing from the appreciation and the dopamine rush and the oxytocin and the epiphylifrin or whatever you call that. It is lingering in me. That's how I know it is genuine gratitude. And there is this connection that happens. When you have a situation where you express genuine gratitude, you feel deeply connected to the energy of the other person. And you're going to feel that when you hear the message that Judah has for you and the three takeaways that he has for you about gratitude. Let me give you one more example of being thankful versus being grateful.

18:39Let's say that you're in an area where there is a huge snowstorm and you have an elderly neighbor. And you go over in the morning after shoveling your own steps and your own drive and you shovel the steps of your neighbor. When you're done shoveling the steps, can we just be honest with one another? You kind of expect a thank you, right? You'd be sort of like, meh, what a rude person if they didn't open up the door and say thank you or didn't wander over later and say thank you. That's what I mean by the nature of a thank you. It's transactional, it's expected. That's not how gratitude works. Gratitude is the woman opening the door and coming down and hugging you and putting her hands on your shoulders and looking you in the eye and telling you, the last time somebody shoveled my walk was when my son was alive.

19:35Thank you so much. I am so grateful that you took care of me this morning. You can feel the fact that she's deeply moved. You can feel the lingering emotion. You didn't expect that. But you now have this lasting buzz, feel good thing too, don't you? That is genuine gratitude. When you cultivate those moments, it changes how you move through your day-to-day life. That's why this is such a profound practice. And one of the mistakes that people make when they, quote, have a gratitude practice, is they're really writing down things that they're thankful for. I'm thankful for my health. I'm thankful for my kids.

20:23I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful for this. I'm thankful for that. That's not practicing genuine gratitude. Genuine gratitude has four requirements based on the research. And you need these four requirements present in order to tap into the profound internal impact, to get the chemical release, to get the flood that's lasting, that changes your mood and helps you feel more confident and connected to people around you. And those four requirements are, number one, it has to be really specific, the thing that is triggering this flood of gratitude. And so when you write down that you're thankful for your health, you're thankful for your kids, you kind of do that on autopilot, don't you?

21:02You got to get really specific. The second thing that's got to be present is there needs to be something deeply personal about it. And the way that you can figure that out is tapping into the third piece, which is why is it moving you? What is it about this specific and deeply personal thing that moves you? And the fourth thing, and this is when you know it's genuine gratitude. It's not just a passing thing. The feeling lingers with you. And so when you're writing down generic things like, I'm thankful for the food right now, that's not specific enough. It's not personal enough. it's certainly not tapping into why that moves you.

21:48And it's not going to leave a lingering emotion because the second you start eating the food that you're thankful for, you're going to forget the gratitude that you wanted to feel. Genuine gratitude is deeper. It's filled with emotion. It lingers. I'll give you an example. And it's kind of weird, but just bear with me. I am so grateful for my daughter who always calls me out on the ugly clothing that I wear, even though I hate hearing it in the moment, because she wants me to feel and look my best. I say that because my daughter picked out my outfit for Good Morning America, and I kind of second guessed her, but she was right.

22:31So I'm sitting here very grateful because I got a lot of compliments on my bell-bottom jeans and my red t-shirt that I wore at Good Morning America today. And I have a lingering buzz about it. Now let's talk toxic gratitude. Yes, there is such a thing as toxic gratitude. It's when you use gratitude in a very negative way. And I'm going to walk through the six examples of this after we hear a short word from our sponsors. They allow me to bring all of this to you at zero cost. And so I'm, you know, very thankful for our sponsors. And I am grateful that today is the inaugural podcast episode with bloopers all the way at the end.

23:14All right, stick around. We'll be right back.

23:25Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. And today we're talking about genuine gratitude and the six types of toxic gratitude that we all engage in, including yours truly. And here's how we're going to do this. First, I'm going to tell you what all six are, and then I'm going to go one by one and explain them. And I'm also going to share with you the takeaway that you need so that you can stop doing this. Okay. And it's all based in the research. You're going to love this. So the six forms of toxic gratitude is when you use gratitude to only focus on the thing that's going well in your life, but you completely ignore the big messes.

24:00The second way that you use gratitude in a toxic way is when you use gratitude to manipulate or shame other people. The third way is when gratitude becomes a justification to do nothing and to stay stuck where you are. The fourth way that gratitude gets toxic is when gratitude is a way to escape uncomfortable emotions that you don't want to feel in yourself. The fifth way that gratitude becomes toxic is when you start pushing positivity on other people because you don't know what to say. So you say something positive. And the final toxic form of gratitude is when you use gratitude as a way to knock yourself down when you're accomplishing something.

24:42And so let's unpack them all and then give you the takeaway. Okay, here we go. Number one, toxic gratitude is when you only focus on the things that are going good in your life. And you are so over focused on what is a blessing and what you're grateful for that you ignore the gigantic shit show of a mess that is right behind you. And the perfect example of this is that friend of yours who is constantly posting only the most beautiful, lovey-dovey, kissy, feet-on-the-beach photos of them and their significant other. Grateful, blessed, love of my life. And yet every time you see this person, they spend three hours bitching about what's actually going on.

25:39That right there is a form of toxic gratitude because you are grandstanding the good part of your life and you are lying about what's going on. When gratitude is genuine, it gives space for the negative. Genuine, deep felt gratitude acknowledges the painful, the broken, the messy part in partnership with the beauty, with the lessons, and with the hard work. And when you only have one of those things present, it's not genuine gratitude. And so instead of posting the absolute beautiful, most incredible, phenomenal things, don't post anything if you can't post the truth. I'm not suggesting you air everything out like dirty laundry on the Internet, but you could certainly post photos.

26:42Love this person because through the ups and downs, we always tend to work through it. And that's the sign of somebody that I want to be with. That's way better than the polished filtered photos anyway. That's the message we all need. And it's the truth. And aren't we all grateful when we see the truth expressed from other people? The second form of toxic gratitude, and this is one that I am so guilty of. It does not make me proud to admit this to you. But it's when you use gratitude like a sledgehammer and you shame and you manipulate other people. this type of toxic gratitude was the way people parented for generations.

27:20And it's the way that I used to parent. And it's something that I'm really working on, which is you basically invalidate people. You cook dinner and you put dinner out for your family and your family. I don't want to eat that. And what do you say? You should be grateful that you have anything on your plate at all. Right. Or the kids lose their soccer match in the semifinals. and they get in the back of the car and they're crying and they're sad and you can't deal with it. And so you're like, well, you should be grateful you made it this far. I mean, that's a really good thing.

27:58Or like I did the other night, you know, Oakley, we hosted the Palm Party. You'd think you'd be grateful enough for crying out loud to help me unload the dishwasher. Oops. do not use gratitude to shame somebody to blame somebody to guilt somebody period you know it's wrong i know it's wrong i still do it why because that's how everybody parented for a long time in a transactional way in a i expect this from you i gave you this you give me that that's not genuine gratitude what i was expressing was resentment that's not gratitude so don't use the word gratitude in those cases. Third form of toxic gratitude is when gratitude becomes a justification to keep you stuck in a place that makes you unhappy.