“The Secret of a Happy Relationship…” the Best Advice That I Have Received

29:59So by the way, after this conversation, let's talk about what you need. But right now, the thing that I need the most is quality time. And I'm not getting that because of X, Y, Z. You can say that. But is it about you not getting your needs met? Or is it about the fact that you don't like that they're not like you? Which is a more interesting question because it gets into the territory of, do we need our partner to be like us in certain ways? Where is that coming from? We can talk about that, but I think that's interesting territory. Well, I definitely want to talk about that too, but I can give a couple examples.

30:31And I think your distinction is very helpful because it made me realize why these two examples matter. So the first one is that, you know, Chris and I have been together for a long time, but he recently went away on a ski trip with our son and I didn't go. It wasn't supposed to be a boys trip, but I literally was like, you know what? I don't want to go skiing for a week. I don't really like skiing. I think I'd rather be home alone and do a staycation without anybody home. Thank you very much. And the reason why that was actually super cool is because Chris's needs and my needs are getting met in other ways.

31:15So I didn't need to take a trip with him to get the connection that you often will get when you take time and go away together. And so it didn't feel like it was taking anything away. In fact, it was kind of additive. Versus, and here's the example where I did change. I have very bad ADHD and I have this habit when cardboard boxes come of stacking them up by the door because we live in the state where you got to flatten them and I hate flattening them I get like all kinds of paper cuts and I just I don't know why I don't like to do it but I don't like to do it so Chris hates that I stack these things up and he would yell at me all the time can't you just, can't you?

32:04And then I, of course, when he would yell at me about doing that, well, not really yell, but just like for crying out loud, can't you just do it? I would then defend myself. I'm so busy, you know, I'm traveling. Can't you just do this? I mean, for crying out, what else? And so we'd get into this standoff. And it wasn't until he sat me down and had the conversation. Listen, I get that you have ADHD. I get that you're tired. I get that you work long hours. I get that you do a ton of things. But let me tell you something. Every time I see that stack like a little kind of pyramid for me waiting like a gift from you, it makes me feel like you think I'm your maid.

32:45What I realized at a very profound level is that when he explained how my behavior made him feel, it made me realize that his need to be seen and taken care of and acts of service were not being met over and over and over again, even though he asked. And that's what motivated me to change my behavior. I am the best cardboard box flattener on the planet, Matt, but that's a really important thing because I think in these small moments where we're either forcing someone to be like us, which I don't think you should be doing, or you have an opportunity to express there's a deeper need behind why you want somebody to actually load the dishwasher or move the stuff from the washer to the dryer.

33:35That if you can express the deeper need, now you're strengthening the connection versus fighting with somebody over something. Yeah, that's exactly right. And you're giving someone in a relationship a real gift and an opportunity to give you something that may not be rational. And by the way, that's okay. hey, how many things do we need in life that are not rational? It's true. It's a beautiful thing sometimes to just understand that this is important to my partner, and it's worth showing up for them in this way, even if it doesn't make sense to me. But that only works in two people who are a genuine team, where it feels like that kind of generosity of spirit goes both ways.

34:20Matthew, my head is spinning. And you know what I want to talk about after a short break? I really want to dig deeper into hard conversations. And by the way, as you listen to our sponsors, be very generous and share this link with everybody that you know so that they can benefit from what you're learning today. Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you with Matthew Hussey after a short break. Stay with us.

34:48Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I'm here with Matthew Hussey, and I want to thank you. Thank you for sending this episode to people in your life, because I know that this information will help absolutely anybody who learns it to improve their relationships and also improve their relationship with themselves. Do you have a strategy for how you know if something's a deal breaker? Because I do think a lot of people don't truly understand what is a deal breaker and what's just something you need to be more flexible about. So in the case of the partner who's let themselves go, or the partner who is struggling with drinking, or the partner who has anger issues, or the partner who, you know what I'm saying?

35:33To your point, we could take them one by one, but let's say the partner who's let themselves go. I think that the default with someone you love is always compassion, not judgment, because that must be hard for them. I know when I've let myself go in life, it didn't feel good to me. My mind was in a certain state when I was letting myself go. That has to be met with love and compassion. Now, one of the things I want to make sure we at some point touch on is the compassion we have to show ourselves and what that looks like. But outward compassion there is really, really important. You have to ask yourself, if this was taken to its extreme, which either means it keeps getting worse or this person stays this way for the rest of their life.

36:20Is that compatible with me loving myself? Is it compatible with me taking care of myself? And part of taking care of myself is being in a relationship that supports my needs. And you have to go into, in what ways does that affect your needs? Well, we may say in the short term it affects my needs sexually let's say it's a hard place for us to go but if most people are honest and they say my partner has let themselves go to the point where they take no pride in their appearance they take no pride in their body they're not in that place and i'm also not in that place and this is something that's really really important to me it's no judgment on them that's why i say we have to start with compassion well it's interesting because if you start with compassion even when you're breaking up or you start with compassion and you're having a hard conversation about how somebody is mentally or physically and you start knowing that this is hard for them and you still love them but you also have to kind of have the conversation for yourself because it's not fair to somebody to silently be mad at them or silently judge them and if you find yourself talking more to your friends about it?

37:35No, and it breaks my heart as I say this, because I genuinely think it's as hard for them to change that thing as it is for you to change your hardest thing right now. We have to start looking at these things that way, that this thing that affects you is as hard for them to change that as it is for you to change something you're finding nearly impossible to change. And when you look at it through that lens, there is no judgment. It's just compassion. And the most tragic and heartbreaking thing would be if that thing that they couldn't change over time spelled the end of this beautiful relationship.

38:16That's the part that you have to A, connect with yourself, that that's truly heartbreaking. And that at a certain point you have to connect them to that as well because it's the last thing you want. And then your needs are not just that. Your needs might be your need for this person who you love to still be around for as many years as possible. And that there is a delayed heartbreak that is coming for me because of the way that you're not taking care of yourself right now. And you are going to be responsible for the greatest heartbreak of my entire life. and I come to you in that spirit that I want to be there for you.

39:02I want to support you. I want to put, you know, whatever support I can around you to help. I want to understand how hard it is for you. And let's talk about that. Let's go to therapy for that. Let's, whatever we have to do, let's do that. I'm not minimizing how hard it is, but I also don't want to minimize the impact that this is going to have on our life, is already having on our life, and will one day have in the most tremendous way if we're not careful, if we're not careful. And that kind of language, I think, gets out of the mode of judging someone for what they're not able to do that maybe comes more naturally to you, which is your gift and their curse.

39:43I think if the shoe's on the other foot and you're the one struggling, that's how you want your partner to show up for you. I get a lot of questions about what to do when you're changing and someone else isn't. And so this one comes from Heather. What do you do when the person holding you back is the partner that you love? I struggle to not be angry with my partner for not matching my desire for personal growth. And I resent the fact that I feel like I have to pull them along. My frustration to them is perceived as believing that they are a piece of shit or that they will never be good enough for me.

40:24I feel like I'm holding myself back to keep the peace. The more I grow, the more they become insecure. I don't want my kids to watch me sacrifice who I am because of my partner. What's your counsel to somebody that's in that position where they're growing and their partner's not? Well, so I want to set up that framework again, that is my problem that they're not like me, or that my needs aren't getting met. Now, if someone doesn't read the same books as you, or doesn't fancy going to that weekend seminar, that has no bearing on the relationship on its own. It's like skiing. It's just a program.

41:04It's just a book. It's just that someone could have grown up on a farm, having never even connected with the idea that there was a self-development world in existence. You might be the same age and meet each other and have learned just as much about life through completely different paths. And the fact that they don't know about this, or they don't know this language that you've learned, and they don't understand these therapies or this growth work or whatever is utterly irrelevant. But where the rubber meets the road is, is them not doing that work, denying you something fundamental in a relationship?

41:44For example, are they unable to apologize because they have no self-awareness of the traits that they have that are truly destructive? and they're not conscious of the things they're doing that are really destructive. And they're not even interested in becoming more aware of those things. They don't have to become aware of it through therapy. They don't have to become aware of it by reading the same books, but they can just become aware of it through conversation with you. What do you do if you're like in the relationship though? Because most people are not as transformed as you guys. If you find that when you bring something up that affects you, it's met with disinterest, it's met with judgment, it's met with contempt, then you don't have the kind of teammate that you're looking for.

42:32You don't have someone who values teamwork and that becomes a deep compatibility issue. So it's, you're sensing to what extent do I genuinely have a teammate? And you only know the extent to which you genuinely have a teammate when you're able to have these kinds of conversations. I don't want to have these conversations, Matt. I just want it to be perfect. I mean, what do you mean we have to talk about it? I have a bunch of speed round kind of questions around dating. What advice do you have for people who have been single for a long time and are struggling to find love? First, the story is almost certainly now going to become, if you're not careful, your biggest enemy.

43:13Now it's not just the pain of loneliness, that pang of, I wish I had someone and I don't. It's the story I've told myself about why that is, that I'm not enough, that I'm undesirable, that I'm always the person before the person they marry, that all the good ones are taken. There's a story now that's no longer serving you. The greatest gift you can give yourself is don't try to fix your loneliness or the fact that you would really like to meet someone. That's a part of being human. There are going to be times where you feel lonely. There are going to be times where you ache because you'd really like to have someone in this life.

43:52But the thing that turns that pain into unbearable pain is the relationship you have with your loneliness, the relationship you have with being single. And so much of that relationship is defined by this story that gets created. Loneliness, the ache of wanting someone and not having found them is like a chronic pain. It is a chronic pain. It's just a chronic emotional pain. How do you change it? Because it sounds terrible. Firstly, the deeper work is changing your relationship with it. The more surface level work is you do everything you can to make it inevitable that you can meet someone. And what are those things?

44:33Well, firstly, get comfortable with where you are. Because if you can't get comfortable where you are, then anytime someone comes along, you will join whatever cult comes your way because you just want to get out of pain. So you have to get yourself to a place where you're happy enough without someone. You don't have to be blissfully happy, but happy enough that you can always say no to the wrong thing because you will find the right person faster if you can say no to the wrong people quicker. Great. So you have to be happy enough that you can say no to the wrong people when they come along and not grip onto them.

45:07Give yourself a kind of portfolio of investments in your love life. So there's nothing wrong with online dating. it's one investment but it shouldn't be your only investment how are you investing in your social circle are you still hanging out with the same three friends that you've been hanging out with for the last 10 years two of which are married and one of whom you love but she never stops talking shit about men and she feels so disillusioned that she's like screw dating all together. Well, that's okay. Be that person's friend, but that can't be your peer group for trying to improve your love life.

45:47So start saying, have I got the right people around me who are opportunity generating? Are they the kinds of people that say to me, hey, let's go do something today. And let's not just go do something where the two of us do something on our own, but let's go be in a place where there's other people. Are you joining communities? If you run, why aren't you in a running club if you really want to meet someone and you're running anyway why are you not part of a running club where there's 50 people there that can become an entire new community for you some of which may be right for you one of them maybe or even if no one there is right for you there are now a community of people that are more likely to invite you to their individual birthday parties where their brother is single or their sister is single or there's someone there that could be the right person all because you put yourself in a new community.

46:42Now, if you say to me, my time's all spoken for, start looking for the things that you already do in your week. You keep going to the class at your gym. This is the thing people always say, oh, Matt, you think there's anyone at my class in my gym? There's no one there. Are you going to the only gym in your city? Like you're telling me that's the only, that's the only fitness class going on in your city. Switch classes. There, entire new group of people right there. You can't go to a different church this week, one weekend, so that you meet a whole different group of people. There's more than one place that does the things you enjoy.

47:18But if you're addicted to your existing community, the places where you do everything, the places, the friends you have, then you're never putting yourself in the new communities where you won't have one new option, but 10, 20, 30 new options. There's many, many pieces of advice like this, but that's just a couple. And it gives people a sense that the limitations I'm giving myself are really a kind of cover for the way my life has kind of calcified and hardened into this thing that I've made immovable when actually there's so much opportunity around me. I'm not exploring it because there's an activation energy required to explore it.

47:55And it's more than the price I want to pay. What advice do you give for just the scene of so many people doing online dating and the fatigue and the anxiety and the frustration that comes with just feeling like there's a lot of cycling through and flaking out and being ghosted as you are out in the world dating? And let's say you've taken your advice, which I think is so important for everyone to hear, that online dating is not your only option. And I think people have really relied on that and pulled away from communities and putting themselves out there and joining different churches and trying new things and joining the running club and just being more open in day-to-day life.

48:39And I think it takes even more post-pandemic to start doing that for yourself. But what are some of the other pieces of advice? because it is very hard. That's what I hear from everybody that is dating. It's very hard. It's very frustrating that the app scene sucks. It's just another social media app at this point. And you just feel like a commodity and it's a numbers game. Which is why you have to obsess over the way you use your energy, both on and off those vehicles, because those vehicles, they're dopamine machines. and me and my wife were talking about this literally this morning she was talking to me she was like you know i just realized i've got back into a little dopamine cycle with instagram where i now i'm like there's a friend i haven't texted back and i'm telling myself i haven't got time to text this friend back which is real connection and then i go straight to instagram and i relate to that too this is the same way that people use dating apps so we have to manage our own way that we use those things people are not wrong dating culture today for so many people sucks and it is hard to find love i i'm not one of those people that talks about how easy it is it's hard it's the one area where we feel like we're out of control Because if you want to lose weight or get in better shape, you can eat better and you can train every day and your body shape will change.

50:13You want to make more sales, you can pick up the phone, you want to save more money, you can deposit in the bank account every day. The money will accumulate. But you could go on a date every day of the week for the next year and still not find the love of your life. That is infuriating. If it were a board game, it wouldn't be Monopoly with its steady accumulation of houses and hotels. it would be chutes and ladders. When you feel like you make all this progress climbing up the ladder and finally I'm on date five with someone it feels like it's going somewhere and then they ghost me. And I just go all the way back down.

50:45But even worse it feels like because now I've got less time and I'm heartbroken and I feel bad about myself and I'm questioning my worth and I'm questioning the people that I'm dating and how great they are. One of my favorite quotes is a Mitch album quote where he says if you don't like the culture you have to be brave enough to create your own and that is so relevant in dating and in finding love because so many of us are going into our love lives as culture adopters not leaders you know one of the best things about like starting a business you know this is that you get to decide what you you get to look at all the other businesses that do things like you and you get to decide the kind of business you want to create.

51:34You get to decide the kind of culture you want to have with your team. And because of that, you get to put your thumbprint on it. And the strength of your leadership, then it has this infectious impact on everyone else. It's not just that you hire people who are like you. You hire people and you give them a heavy dose of that culture and the way we do things here. And some people go, oh my God, this is what I've been looking for. And they rise to that culture and other people fall off because they can't. That can happen in love too. How? How? Because here's the thing, like literally, I just, I really want to hear the how, because I have, I have so many extraordinary people in my life who are single, who are frustrated by the toxic dating scene that is very much driven by apps and social media and that the advice about creating your own culture and being brave enough to create your own.

52:35I totally get that. How do you do that? And what advice do you have without getting resigned if it's taking so long? You see what I'm saying? Like, I think that it's really important you go, I am not going to buy into this shit. I am going to have very high standards for myself. I'm going to be brave and have the courage to create a different culture and just have the conversation because my energy is worth it. And I'm also going to invest in things that make me come alive because I know the more that I'm raising my standards for my own life, the more likely I'm going to bump into somebody that I could potentially have a long-term relationship with.

53:13So first, you go slow to go fast in your love life. You don't race to date someone because you really want to be able to tell the people at Thanksgiving that you're dating someone now. You don't rush because you're just, you want a love story in your life, even if it's one that's precarious and you don't know where you stand because it's better than nothing. You go slow to go fast. Then when you're actually engaging with people, you start to lead with the kind of energy you would like to see from other people. There's a piece of advice I've been giving for a long time, which is both deeply true and flawed.

53:55It's don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in someone based on how much they invest in you. Now, if you follow that rule, you're going to be okay because you're not going to get into these situations where you are over-investing in someone who's not giving you the same back because you keep telling yourself it's so important and there's attraction when really that person is not investing or committing on the level you are. So why are you bothering? The problem with the advice, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you, is that at some point, someone has to do a little bit more than the other person.

54:35Otherwise, we're just in a stalemate. We're just at the school disco with these people on this side and these people on that side and no one doing anything. So at some point, someone's got across the room. Now, if you apply that to, let's say online dating or just you're texting someone, you've met someone on a dating app, you're now texting them. What does it look like to create your own culture in that situation? Well, if you're only mirroring what they're doing, then you're mirroring all of the worst parts of dating culture as a way to protect yourself because I'm only going to invest as much as they do but you're now actually mirroring the culture so instead what we have to do is say if I were creating my own culture what would I do well you know what there is in this texting thing there's a real lack of humanity it's just words on a screen and we've been going back and forth and there's just something missing in this it doesn't feel like a real connection so the next time they send me a text and say what you up to i'm going to leave them a voice note it's a tiny thing but i'm going to leave them a voice note and just say hey i am at ikea with my sister right now and we are buying furniture for this room in our house and i'm already dreading the fact that i have to put this thing together It's going to be a complete disaster.

56:00I'll send you a picture. They're hearing your voice. And it's already, let's say they are dating three other people or talking to three other people. You're attacking a different sense. They're hearing you. There's a different intimacy to a voice note. And it invites them to the table. But what I like about what you're saying is it's actually more about you giving yourself permission to just show up as yourself and not worry about whether or not that is what drives somebody to a different level. And having the standard on the back end, so having the bravery on the front end to create the culture and instigate it by being a leader, not a follower, but having the standard on the back end that says, if I don't feel that this pattern that I'm instigating is reciprocated, then I can back off.

56:56If I send you a message this tomorrow morning and I instigate and I say, you know, hi, lovely. I hope you have an amazing day today. I was just thinking of you. And I do that. I'm brave and I instigate that. If tomorrow you don't send me a message, then fair enough. All right. I got it. What I'm not going to do is send you another message tomorrow morning and then a week later say, I don't get it. Or just say, no, but let's say they texted back that day. You instigated, right? So that was a brave thing to do, but you don't want to be in a pattern with someone where you're always instigating. So if the next day they don't instigate or you find that you're the one constantly instigating, then you back off.

57:36What you don't do is keep instigating. They keep texting back and you say, I don't get it. They must like me because they keep texting me back, but you know, they never, I just wish they'd asked me on a date. Well, you are, you are setting up that dynamic by having no standards on the back end of this. So that's where you mirror. If you create the culture and then they can't reciprocate, then you go, okay, I'm going to back off. You model first, then you mirror. But what we're doing is mirroring someone from the start. If someone hasn't texted you in two weeks and then they say, and you've been hurt by it, and you're like, wow, this really sucks.

58:15We had such a great date two weeks ago. I really wanted to see them. I've barely heard from them. And then two weeks later on a Saturday, they say, do you want to do something tonight? Do you want to go to a movie? It'd be so great to see you. The temptation is to go, I'm going to be happy, cool person here because I don't want to make it seem like I've been thinking about them for two weeks. So then we mirror them. We go, yeah, movie sounds great. What time? Well, what the hell would you say without sounding like a psycho clingy bitch? You say, hey, one of the things I really value is consistency and I haven't really heard from you.

58:45So I'd like to see you. It would be fun to see you, but I kind of assumed we weren't on the same page because I haven't heard from you for two weeks. Like, you just say that. You make it sound so simple. And I think the advice is incredible. I'm reflecting because I know how emotions get the best of us, which comes back to your original point, that that's why it's dangerous. And that's why you have to go slow to go fast. And before you just immediately text back, take a beat, assess where you are, be a little bit more honest and vulnerable. And when you lead with that and you create your own culture in dating, now you are in a more powerful position.

59:34That's exactly right. And if you don't get your needs met, you have to be, you're being very warm and kind and compassionate in the way you bring things up. But if you don't get what you really need, you have to be ruthless in your response with your energy. And that's where the tiger comes out. It's not in me biting your head off because you haven't texted me for two weeks. You're going to get my sensitivity and my vulnerability about that part because I actually was kind of sad I didn't hear from you. We had such a great time. But where you'll see the tiger is that I have absolutely no patience for someone who's not showing up for me.

1:00:11So I aggressively move forward with my life. I am a train that goes. And if you step too close to the train as it's leaving the platform, you're going to get hurt. So you're either on or you're off. But this train is leaving. Right, because I'm not waiting around for somebody to text me back. No. You know, Matthew, I just want to say I'm so grateful you agreed to be my co-pilot today because I needed you to handle those online dating questions. And I'm also really grateful that I've never had to deal with it. And as you're listening, you're probably thinking of someone in your life that needs to hear this episode.

1:00:49I mean, maybe it's somebody who's struggling to find love or maybe they just went through a really bad breakup. Or maybe you've got a friend who went through a divorce and now they're thinking about putting themselves out there again and they just need the encouragement and the advice and the wisdom that you heard today. So share this with them because you know that they're an amazing human being. Let this conversation with me and Matthew Hussey remind them of the fact that they should never settle. You heard Matthew say that the biggest mistake that people make is thinking that they're not good enough.

1:01:20The truth is you are good enough for love. You just haven't met the person who's good enough for you yet. Ooh, don't you love thinking about it like that? And in case no one else tells you today, I want to tell you that I love you. I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a better life. And based on everything that you learned today, you now know what to do to create stronger, healthier, and happier relationships. already. Go do it. And I'll talk to you in a few days.

1:01:55Matthew.

1:02:00Share this episode with your friends and, and stay with us. Cause I'll be, Oh my God. Okay. Hold on. Really? Well, I would have been pissed if it was as worse. I mean, your standards, you would have been pissed if it was second best.

1:02:29Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write, and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher. Thank you.