This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:08Thank you so much for being here with me. And also thank you for taking the time to listen to something that could actually help you improve your life. Now, there is something that I cannot wait to talk to you about. I saw this 10-year-long research study. It's called like the American Time Study. Wait till I explain what this study tells you about time. seriously there are six shocking statistics about how you are spending your time and who you are spending your time with over the course of your life and here's why I want to talk to you about this when I saw this data about how I'm spending my time over my lifetime and who I'm spending it with it was like a wake-up call that lit a fire under my ass and oh my god when you see these six takeaways and the data, it's like depressing and inspiring because what you're going to learn today is there are critical moments in your life that change your relationships forever.

1:11Like for example, when you turn 18, the time you spend with your family and siblings drops off a cliff. When you turn 29, something crazy happens with friendship. When you turn 42, something else dramatic happens. And then again, when you're 50, when you're 60, again, when you're 70, And you are always asking me for information to help you make your life better. And let me tell you something. Today's conversation is absolutely going to inspire you to do it.

1:50So I want to start our talk today by just asking you a couple questions. They're easy. Don't worry about it. You don't need a pen or paper. You can answer these in your mind as I ask you. You ready? Here's the first one. Can you name the last five artists that won Artist of the Year at the Grammys? Me either. Or what about the last five companies that were at the top of the Inc. 500 list? The last five winners of the Olympic gold medal in women's gymnastics? Nope. Me either. You want to know why? Because it doesn't really matter to the average person, right? Who cares? But I bet you can name your five favorite people that you've ever worked with.

2:40Just stop and think about them. You probably even see their faces pop up into your mind. Or how about the five people that you always laugh the hardest with? Like, you know, if you're going to see these five people, you are going to have the kind of laughter where like your head hurts you're laughing so hard. Or what about the five people who had the biggest impact on your life? Five favorite memories with your siblings. Or if you don't have siblings, five of your favorite memories with your parents. Here's another great thing to think about. Think about the five people you used to spend a ton of time with, but you don't see them anymore.

3:22But you really do miss them. You know what's interesting about all those questions I just asked you? I bet you can answer all of them. You can give me five specific names or five specific memories for every one of those questions. Why? Well, because of how those people made you feel. And that brings me to today's topic. So I mentioned this research study. The research study I want to talk to you about is called the American Time Use Survey. And it's this big study where researchers collected data for over 10 years. And here's what they were looking for. They were looking at how social connections evolve through the average person's lifetime.

4:06And I'm sure you've heard that saying, it's all over the internet, that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And there's no doubt that having healthy relationships with other people and with yourself is one of the single most important pillars of a great life. Now, what we're going to look at today is what the research found over 10 years about who you spend time with over the course of your lifetime and how that changes over the course of your lifetime. And one giant caveat is that they only looked at data over 10 years with Americans. And regardless of where you're listening, though, or whatever your cultural background might be, I guarantee you there is something that you will learn in this data that will make you approach your relationships differently.

4:58It will make you look at friendship, your relationship with your parents or your siblings, where you're working, your relationship with your kids, with your partner, with your yourself in a very different way. I know it did for me. And so here's my intention with our conversation today. My intention is to wake you up, to wake you up to the reality of how time is passing you by and how much of your time you're probably spending on things that are not important to you. And so here's how the conversation is going to go today. I'm going to walk you through the six key takeaways. And if you want to see the data and the charts, which I think you would find them very compelling, all you got to do is go to my social media, Mel Robbins, that's the handle on all the accounts, or go down to the resources, which we have for every show, and we will link to the post because I want you to see the graphs with your own eyes because they are so compelling.

5:56And I got them right here in my hand, okay? And when you see the reality, and that's what I want to hammer into your head and my head, the reality, the reality of how time is impacting your relationships with your parents, your siblings, your partner, your friends, your kids, and your coworkers. This is not a fantasy. This is the reality of your life. And I want you to be more intentional from this point forward about how you spend your time, who you spend your time with. That's what this is about. To align your life with choices that match the reality of how fast time is going by. And look, everything that's already happened, that's in the rearview mirror.

6:37We cannot change the past. We know that. But you can learn from it. And you can learn from this data. And you can take from this moment and look forward. And you can use the data you're about to learn to change your life for the better. So let's go through these six crazy statistics on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And the first one is about family. So let's talk about your family. I mean, everybody loves to complain about their family, don't we? In fact, as I record this right now, I'm in a bit of a little like, you know, tiff with one of our kids. They haven't talked to me in 48 hours.

7:14And so I'm not immune to the kind of challenges that can come in family relationships. but this little tiff will pass. And I noticed that anytime I post something online about narcissism or toxic behavior, you guys go crazy over those kinds of posts. Yeah, yeah. Cut them out of my life. Yeah. Narcissist. But today I want to talk about the reality. And the reality is your time with your family is limited. And I'm talking about both your parents and your siblings. Your time is limited. And I'm going to break this down for you because I don't think we stop and think about this in terms of the data.

7:56We think about it in terms of kind of generally how your life feels. But let me just explain what happens for the average person. From zero to 18, those are the years that you will spend the most amount of time that you have with your parents and your siblings. And sometimes that time can feel like a prison. But the truth is when you zoom out and you really look at the data, it's very sobering. Here it is. When you turn 18, the amount of time that you spend with siblings and parents, it basically drops off a cliff and you know this. And it keeps dropping until you reach about age 26. And when you reach age 26, based on the data, you are now at a flatline for the rest of your life.

8:46That whatever time you're spending on a daily basis with your family, meaning your parents and your siblings, that's it. And if you're lucky, it tops out at less than an hour a day. Now, for those of you that are part of a big family farm, or you have a big family business, or you're a family where you have a multi-generational house, which I think is super cool. You see your family a little bit more than average, but I want you to stop and think about this. You never see your family, do you? I mean, we lived a mile from Chris's oldest brother as we were raising our kids outside of Boston. We never saw them.

9:22And Chris and I, we would talk about it all the time. Why don't we hang out with your brother more? It's almost like because they're family, you sort of put them in the box of just defaulting to see them over the holidays, right? Here's another example. My mother-in-law, she lives three miles from me. Now she's 85 and her social calendar is busier than mine. Plus I work full time. I'm lucky when she's here in Vermont, if I see her once every two weeks. Why? I don't know. I guess I don't really prioritize it. It's not that I don't like her. I just don't really think about it. And let me just take a giant highlighter and really put this in perspective about how fleeting your time is with your parents and your siblings.

10:10My dad, Bob, he is turning 80 this year. His father was dead by the age of 81. Chris's dad died at the age of 69 from esophageal cancer. So let's just say I'm lucky and my dad lives another 10 years. Now, my dad and mom, they live in Michigan. So I only see my dad three or four times a year. So let's put that in the context of how much time I have with him. If he lives 10 years, that's 30 more weekends with my dad. When you do the math that way, doesn't it make you think differently about it? Like take my sibling, my brother, he lives in Chicago. And Derek's got two twin boys who are freshmen in high school.

10:56And his public high school schedule and our public high school schedule, they are not on the same breaks ever. And so it's not like we can go on spring break together. Plus his kids are in competitive sports all summer long. Our son's going to go to college next year. When are we going to see each other? And this isn't a statistic where I'm trying to guilt you. This is the facts. And I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents or with your siblings. So I want to ask you this question in the context of this statistic, especially as your parents are getting older. If you think about this moment and you look forward and you think about the limited amount of time that you have, what kind of daughter or son do you want to be from this moment moving on?

11:44What kind of a brother or sister do you want to be from this moment moving forward? And look, maybe you've been listening to the experts that we've had on narcissism and difficult people and you're like, that's it. I'm cutting them out. But for most of us, when you really stop and think about the reality that time is slipping through your hands and this person is the way that they are and they are the way that they are because of their upbringing, their past experiences and their unhealed trauma and there's nothing you're going to do to change it. But who do you want to be? And I want you to really think about this.

12:27This is why I call my parents three times a week. I just do it to check in because of who I want to be. And I find personally that the more that I check in, the better our relationship is, the more that they soften, the warmer that they are. And I realize why. It's because when I call, they don't feel forgotten. And it does make me incredibly sad to think that I might only spend 30 more weekends with my dad. And look, I need to say my mom and dad, but my dad's older, so he's the one that's top of mind, and my mom just turned 75. She's still kicking. So mom, I need to see you too in case you're listening.

13:06And as I'm sitting here, I can't help but think, and I bet you're starting to think this too, you know, maybe I should find a weekend in the next month to go down and see them. I mean, you just never know, right? Even though I saw him a couple weeks ago, maybe I should make another plan. And I think that's a big takeaway. First of all, your time is limited. Do the math and think about how little time you actually have. And the second big takeaway is always have the next plan for when you're going to see them next. That helps me a ton to know that I've got something in the books. We have something to look forward to and that I'm checking in just because that's the kind of person that I want to be.

13:49And it's important that you think about this because enjoying your relationships is not just about savoring them and being grateful that you have the time to have with them because we all, and I don't mean to be making fun of being grateful, but it can become very surface level. My message today is look at the data, look at the reality. And if you value this, your parents and your siblings. Wake the hell up and start prioritizing it. And that's what I've been doing. In fact, over the holidays, we went on two back-to-back grandparent trips. I don't know if you've done any of those, but when the big milestone birthday happens, it's pretty awesome.

14:29Chris's mom turned 85, and so she brought together her three sons and all the kids, which meant nine cousins, six adults, and Judy and her partner on two sailboats. It was super awesome. And here's what I realized as we were all together. Do you know the last time that all 18 of us got together? It was 10 years ago. And I bet that's true with your family too, because the older you get, the harder it is to get everybody together. Like if I think about my family on Chris's side, nine cousins, they're all over the place. We've got cousins in Texas and Colorado and New York City and some in college and some graduate and they're living their lives.

15:07It's the reality. And it's difficult to get that many people together. And so I'm proud that we did that for Chris's mom for her 85th. And by the way, right after that, we went and spent the weekend with my entire family to celebrate my mom's 75th. And if you've ever been at a big gathering like that, a milestone birthday for a parent or a grandparent where everybody's there, I'm willing to bet it's one of the happiest times you'll ever see him. Because it's insanely difficult to get everyone together once people turn 18. And that is what the state is saying. Your time with your family is incredibly scarce once you turn 18.

15:53Take it seriously. And you want to know one thing I'd love for you to do? One way you could take it seriously? Share this episode with your siblings and your parents and your kids and your favorite niece or nephew or your cousin or your favorite aunt. And if you're listening to my voice right now, because one of your family members sent this episode to you, the message from that person in your family to you that they wanted me to deliver is this, they miss you. They love you. This matters. So let's get a date on the calendar and let's get together because we're going to regret it if we don't. And time is going to keep on going regardless of what we do with it.

16:31So make a date and make it happen. I told you this would be eye-opening and sobering and inspiring. And that's just statistic number one about who you spend your time with over the course of your lifetime. We still have five more statistics to unpack, all of them equally profound. The next one is very eye-opening because it's about what happens to you between the ages of 20 and 60, this 40-year span. During the ages of 20 and 60, who do you think you're spending most of your time with? The answer will surprise you, and we're going to unpack it when we come back. Stay with us.

17:22Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and you and I are talking about six shocking statistics. I got the graphs right here in my hand. And it's shocking statistics from a 10-year study on who you spend your time with over the course of your life. And this really changed a lot for me. It's a study called the American Time Study. It's a 10-year study. And when I first saw these six takeaways from the study, it was depressing. And then once I kind of sobered up a little bit from the depressing news, it lit a fire under my ass. And it pushed me to prioritize certain relationships while I still have the time to do it.

18:02Now, you and I have already covered takeaway number one, which is when you turn 18, the amount of time you spend with your parents and your siblings falls right off a cliff. And then it flatlines at age 26 for the rest of your life. And if that bothers you, the message is do something about it. This is happening not because your siblings hate you. This is happening because of how we start to spend our time as we age. There is data that explains all this. But just because this is the average, you don't have to be the average. You got that? Good. So let's dig into the next five, okay? And this next one is really interesting.

18:38The second key takeaway shows who you spend the most time with between the ages of 20 and 60. Any guesses? If you guessed your coworkers, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, you're right. So what is the takeaway from this? Well, the takeaway is something that I believe is really important for you to grasp. It's this. The people that you work with day in and day out have a huge impact on the quality of your life because based on research, 40 years of your life, these are the people you spend the most time with. Be choosy. It's not just about the money. If you prioritize a great work environment, which I want you to do, you're not only gonna reach your financial goals, but you will also surround yourself with coworkers that create energy in your life and that help you tap into a deeper potential inside of you.

19:42See, your coworkers are a net positive or a net negative. And so I want you to think about this because we think about work in a really selfish and narrow way. What's my job? What's my title? How much money do I make? How do I climb the ladder? How do I get this? How do I get that? But I want you to kind of lift your head up and wake up to the fact that you're going to spend 40 years in the workforce or volunteering or doing something outside the house. And the people that you are doing that with really matter. Companies are not just spreadsheets. Companies are made up of people. So pick good people.

20:14And one more thing, because I can hear you start to go, but, but, but, but, but, you're not stuck with a boss. You're not stuck with a toxic co-worker. You're not stuck where you're working right now. And if I ask you, name your three favorite coworkers that you've ever worked with, immediately three faces would pop into your mind. You'd immediately remember laughing in the break room or that all-nighter that you pilled doing something or some other thing that you did while you're on the road for work. If I asked you, name the most toxic person you've ever worked with, boom, bad apple right there, cannot stand that person, see them coming, duck into a cubicle.

20:58Oh my God, avoid them like the plague. In fact, there's research that shows that person you're thinking about, if they are festering, they can take down an entire team. It's called the bad apple effect. This is how important the people around you are in terms of influencing how you feel in your day-to-day life. And there's just endless research about why people leave jobs. And one of the biggest reasons why people leave a job. This comes from Gallup. Number one reason is because they can't stand the person they work for. So here are the takeaways. Do not stay in a job you hate with people you hate.

21:34Do not tell me you need the money because the fact is if you have this job paying you this much money, you can find another job in a better environment that also pays you that money. And I'm not hearing your excuses. I'm not hearing any of the BS that you're about to spit out that you can't make it happen or I live in this place, but I'm this year's old. But this This is 40 years of your freaking life. Second, if you don't like the people you're working with, be intentional about either getting out of that company or cultivating relationships with people in other departments while you're looking for another job.

22:07And finally, just like there can be a bad apple at work, be the ripe apple. Don't let the attitude of where you're working bring down your attitude because there's always something you can do. and I want to wake you up to the fact that where you work and how you feel at work and the people that you are spending time with are going to make up 40 years of your life. And as time is passing and it's going to keep on passing, you get to choose whether you're going to be in a place that lifts you up or brings you down. And that's takeaway number two. Between the ages of 20 and 60, you spend the majority of your time with your coworkers.

22:48So get serious about where you're working. All right, let's go to the third statistic. And I'm going to warn you, the third statistic right here, got the chart right here. This one's a little sad because it explains why you never see your friends. I want you to reflect on your own life for a minute. Can you pinpoint the age when you really started to feel like you didn't see your friends as much? You got that age of mind? It probably doesn't surprise you when you hear that for the average person, the time you spend with friends starts to decline at the age of 21. And over the course of your 20s, you start to see less and less of your friends.

23:45And that brings us to the pivotal age of 29, where all of a sudden the amount of time that you spend with your friends on a daily basis drops off for the rest of your life. And for most people, here's what that means. Your friends become the group that you spend the least amount of time with as you age. I'm going to say that again. for most people as you age, friends are the group of people you will spend the least amount of time with. And if you stop and think about it, it kind of makes sense, right? I mean, just think about your own experience. You saw your friends every day in middle school and high school, or if you went to college or to trade school, and then what happens?

24:22You graduate. And maybe for a year, some of you move in together, and then exactly what the data says starts to happen in your 20s, doesn't it? Everyone starts to do what you're supposed to do. You start focusing on your own life and creating a life for yourself. Maybe you move to a different city or you have different roommates or you take a job that takes you in a new direction or you go to graduate school and that consumes your life or you meet somebody and start falling in love and then you start to spend more time with them and slowly but surely, it's not the same. In fact, I see our daughters going through this right now, they're 25, 23, post-college, and the words they use evaporate, dispersing.

25:05Everyone I went to school with is going in different directions, and I really feel it. And based on the data, this is going to keep happening until you turn 29. And unless you do something about it, the amount of time that you're going to spend with friends after you're 29, it flatlines. Why? Well, you now know because of takeaway number two, You're spending all that time with your coworkers. And as you're going to learn in the next three statistics, a partner starts to enter the scene. Perhaps children, if you decide to have them, they start to enter into your world as well. But here's my message.

25:42This data is the average. But you are not average. This is what happens to people who are not paying attention, who are just letting life sweep them downstream. You can create whatever you want. In fact, you know, as I think about some of the conversations that we've had recently, you'll probably remember me saying that one of the main reasons why people get so stuck and lost in life is because they don't know what they want. And that's why I was like, oh my God, I have to talk to you about the American Times study. I have to share these statistics with you. because I want to wake you up and make you realize that this data is reflective of what's happening in your life.

26:28And if you're feeling lonely or you've lost touch with friends and it bothers you, you don't have to live like that. You don't want to be in a crappy work environment. You don't have to let it define your life for a decade. If you like your family and you really want to see them and you kind of, you got to make it a priority. I'm not immune to any of this data either. I mean, I feel like my friendships evaporated. And I also feel, I don't know if you feel this way, maybe this is something that happens when you get older, but I tend to feel like the people that I like also would prefer to be in bed on a Friday night.

27:02You know, I'm the kind of person that I can text you at 9.35 PM and be sound asleep at 9.37. So having this framework and having these statistics and these graphs that you can check out and the resources, it really helped me because I'm like, oh, it's not just me. Oh, this makes a lot of sense. Oh, this is what happens in life when you're not really intentional about what you want. And so let me share a framework with you that has really helped me around friendship because I do want to see my friends. But this framework will really simplify it. You ready? When you think about friendship, think about two Ps, and I'm talking about cultivating friendships.

27:44So you are going to be friends naturally based on the first P. And the first P is patterns. So when you have overlapping patterns in your life, you tend to become friends with people. For example, work. You show up at work every single day. That's a pattern. You tend to become friends with people at work because you have an overlapping pattern. Another one, your kids are playing on the same sports team. There's a pattern. Another one, maybe you've taken a pickleball and you're in the same league or you're taking an introduction to pickleball class. There's a pattern. You can become friends with those people.