Try it For 1 Week: Small Ways to Make Your Life Fun & Exciting Again

22:04But if you are feeling a sense of like, I'm feeling lonely, then to pause and to actually think about how you want to spend your time and invite the others who also may be frustrated with how they're spending their time to join you, you'll have a much richer, connected, delightful, fun life.

22:26Mel Robbins:Okay, let's put this to the test. So this summer, I'm hosting a bunch of different people at our home in Vermont, and one of the reasons why this is happening is it's our 30th wedding anniversary. Wow. And instead of, I know I'm surprised too. Congratulations. Thank you. Instead of throwing a party where I stopped and thought, you know, let's throw a big party and a dance party. I love a dance party. And I thought, well, wait a minute. I'm not going to talk to anybody. So do I really want to have a big party to celebrate or do I want to celebrate in a different way? And so we reached out to groups of friends that don't live near us and then invited them to come over certain weekends.

23:09Mel Robbins:And we have a bunch of my husband's college friends coming because there's a bluegrass festival nearby us. And there'll probably be 20 people at our house. And I said to everybody, bring tents and please leave your dogs at home. But beyond that, I haven't thought about it. I mean, you've already thought a lot about it. That's beautiful. So you have a purpose, right? You have a need, which is to celebrate your 30th anniversary. Is that, would you say that's the need? The need is really, I just, I think like everybody, the years of 2020 through 2025 basically hit delete on almost all of our social lives.

23:52Mel Robbins:Yeah. Between hybrid work and people moving and empty nesting and job changing and just getting reclusive because you're at home on Zoom calls and, you know, who wants to drive into the city to see people? Everyone's tired. Everyone's exhausted. And so I think the purpose that this is fulfilling is I miss seeing friends. It's beautiful. I miss these experiences. I miss the things that Chris and I used to do when we had either little kids that we could drag everywhere. You know, the parties that you have when you're young adults and every kid's running around in diapers. Yeah. You know, it doesn't matter if you're sleeping on a couch.

24:37Mel Robbins:We're all just kind of together. That I want—I miss that in my life. And I realize it's not going to fall out of the sky. Yeah. I need to create this. It's beautiful. It's a gift to them. And you're also naming something. There's so much. I'm a conflict resolution facilitator and sort of conflict resolution 101 is name it. Like name the thing, name the grief, name the loss, name it. And so part of what's so beautiful about you naming this thing and saying, wow, we haven't done this since 2019 is you're naming something that other people also experienced. And so you can almost feel like your throat sort of tightening in a good way that saying, yes, I have that too.

25:17And so when you're bringing your people together, almost the excuse of your 30th anniversary, right? Like this is a big moment. Maybe I'll use this as an excuse to bring everyone together, to be together in spectacle and joy and bluegrass and remembering that like we can be alive and we can be together. That's enough. It's so beautiful.

25:37Mel Robbins:So another thing that I could use help with is we have family coming in from out of town. And one of the patterns that I've noticed is that we tend to go to someone's house and then hang. And I notice that when we go on a trip somewhere where there are things to do, there's less conflict. Definitely. There is more fun. Definitely. That somehow going to people's houses and hanging becomes a cauldron. Yes. For all kinds of short tempers and frustrations and criticism. I mean, think about the difference between even just your body language describing your 30th anniversary of people are coming and we're pitching tents.

26:26And I said, no dogs and we're going to bluegrass. and then you're like versus this other thing that you're going to go and you're going to sit in this couch and you're going to sink deeper and deeper into this couch. Part of, you know, groups are groups and whether it's family or whether it's friends, people love adventure, right? You're actually when you're going out on adventure, when you're in a city or you're in a new place, you actually have a third element to interact with. And so, you know, talk is actually sometimes not good for connection. Ooh, hold on. Talk is not good for connection.

27:00My mentor, Hal Saunders, he created this process called sustained dialogue. Like literally his entire profession was about helping people talk better to each other. And what he would always tell us baby facilitators is dialogue is not always the right tool. Sometimes people need to play a soccer game. Sometimes people need a dance party. Sometimes they need to go out and have an effing blast together. Or go antiquing or go drive and - Go gardening. Yes. Go on a walk. Sometimes what people actually need is to talk less because we get into these loops, we get into these same patterns. And often there's a whole element of talk that actually creates much more distance.

27:39And so particularly with families, particularly with people that you spend a lot of time with where you sort of get stuck in a role, even more important is that the time to have fun, to go do something you wouldn't normally do. I had a friend for Thanksgiving last year who was bringing together in-laws for the first time, multiple uncles and aunts. And she organized a collective sound bath for the entire group. Like she literally created a sound bath. They're not going to talk. They're going to sit together in silence for 90 minutes. That sounds amazing. Right? And so even when you think about whether it's your family, what you think about is your friends coming for your 30th anniversary party.

28:18One of the best ways to lower your anxiety about hosting is to share the burden. Okay. And what I mean by that is to, in some way, make everyone be a subhost or a co-host in a way that would delight them. Oh. So with your friends, there's just one example. You don't have to do this. If you say you have three days together, sometimes I do this with friends' birthday parties, particularly for a big one when people are traveling, to invite everyone to bring some kind of gift or offering for the group. And that could be, I've done this before at a 40th birthday party, one person brought their favorite tiny little drops of a specific sunblock.

28:57And their offering for the entire group was making sure that everyone didn't get a sunburn. And someone else brought their favorite game from their childhood. And they introduced this game for 20 minutes.

29:08Mel Robbins:You know what I love about that? Is that you gave people a specific assignment, they can get creative, and then you don't end up with 14 bagels that nobody ate, and tubs of potato salad that people want to jam in your fridge. Or tap dancing the entire time trying to entertain everyone. Someone else brought beautiful little tiny bars of organic chocolate. And just literally the act of going around to 35 other guests at some point over the course of the weekend, it makes people look towards each other. It gives them a tiny little sense of like, this is my gathering too. And so part of thinking about spending time together is finding ways to help people have a shared experience without needing to be the same.

29:51Another very simple thing is fun dress codes. Fun dress codes meaning wear the single best thing in your closet. No shopping. Oh, I love the no shopping. I once did this for a birthday party. Three people showed up in their wedding dresses. Oh, that's killer. I know a woman who threw a no pants party in Chicago in her apartment. It was July. Her AC wasn't working. I think it was from like a Simpsons episode. People showed up in everything from bathing suits to skirts to dresses. Her father showed up in overalls and a good-natured fight broke out about whether or not overalls or pants. Like it was a total hit because there was shared context.

30:31Mel Robbins:Priya, thank you. I am so excited that you're here and I need to take a quick pause so we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors. But don't go anywhere. Priya writes about this concept called unhealthy peace, that you have unhealthy peace in your life, in friendships, with your family. She's gonna describe what that is and exactly what to do about it because we do need to do something about it. And we're gonna get to that a little bit later. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

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31:49Mel Robbins:Join hundreds of thousands of women getting real results with Ladder. No thinking, everything planned. If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit slash mel and take a quick quiz to find your perfect Ladder plan. Use my link, ladder.fit slash mel for a free seven-day trial, no credit card required, and$10 off your first month if you join. You know, a lot of us have tried learning another language, maybe Spanish in high school or a few phrases for an overseas trip. But what about when it's time to use those skills? That's when you realize that knowing a few random words isn't the same thing as having the confidence to have a conversation.

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34:18Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are here with the bestselling author of The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker. So Priya, one thing I want to circle back to because I think it's advice that is going to profoundly change for the better gatherings with our family, which is I want you to really think about the some people don't want to talk. They need to either go on a walk or go to a museum or play a soccer game. Yes. That oftentimes it's not that deep. And my husband and I tend to be deep people that want to talk. And I can see how when you try to engage somebody that does not like to talk, that does not want to discuss feelings or their plans for when they die or whatever it is that my husband, the death doula, would like to really get deep into there and that it creates tension.

35:20Mel Robbins:And how can you shift so that you can make them more comfortable and maybe let's keep moving, nothing to see here. Okay. Groups are like accordions and group gatherings are like accordions. Sometimes you want a lot of density in the conversation and everyone having a shared experience and sometimes you need to kind of loosen it out and pull it back out. So if you think about a family reunion or a friend's reunion for three days, actually some of the best gatherers I know are introverts. Some of the best gatherers I know recharge alone And in my research, so many of the gatherers that other people told me create amazing gatherings, self-identified as introverts, self-identified to often be on the outside of things.

36:02And I asked one of them, why do you think this is? And she said, I am so uncomfortable at so many of the gatherings that I come to that I started designing gatherings I actually want to be at.

36:11Mel Robbins:So what are some of the attributes of a gathering that introverts like? Structure. So I'm walking in knowing. So the first element is not relying on your personality and your tap dancing to be the person who's connecting everyone and being the person who's giving all the toasts and being the person who has to basically be the infrastructure of everyone else. It's actually thinking about the thoughtful structure ahead of time that will allow people to connect with each other. I was once at a birthday party that had a quiet corner and there's two, and it literally said quiet corner and there's two hammocks.

36:47and all day long. Part of the thing is we all need breaks, right? And so sometimes they're really good at saying, you know what? And they put two people together in the family who don't necessarily know each other. We all go out and just get some eggs. We need some eggs. Just shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. And they'll go and have a conversation in the car that they would never otherwise have. Introverts think, at least the ones that I've spent time with and that are really great gatherers, they really think about shared context. They think about meaning, And they also have the empathy to know that there's many ways to connect and it's not just through conversation.

37:22That's great.

37:24Mel Robbins:You say that another thing that a really good gathering requires is good controversy. What the heck does that mean? So, I mean, I should start by saying I am a conflict-averse conflict resolution facilitator. So I am a conflict resolution facilitator, and I hate conflict. My parents are divorced, and when they first separated— I bet you have a lot to talk about with your therapist. I have a lot to talk about with my husband. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. That was like a very interesting— So, I mean, basically when my parents separated, everyone was shocked because they never fought. Oh.

38:08They never fought. And so I learned from a young age that there's great loss and avoidance. And that human connection can be as threatened by unhealthy peace as it is by unhealthy conflicts.

38:20Mel Robbins:Unhealthy peace. Oh, I just thought of about five marriages I know of. And friendships. Oh. Right? And work relationships. Unhealthy peace. And so part of like I— Can we just talk about that for a minute? Yes. Give me some examples of unhealthy peace. Unhealthy peace is being hurt by somebody and holding on to it and choosing to not say something. And then a story about them grows in our head. And then eventually we're so scared to say something, we leave or we ghost or we exit rather than trying to get to what I call healthy heat or healthy conflict. Unhealthy peace is often in teams where everybody knows that it's a terrible idea to launch this product, but no one's willing to actually say it.

39:13Unhealthy peace can be in a family at a multi-generational family gathering and somebody, uncle, is belligerent towards another cousin, maybe their own child, and everyone freezes and just looks down under the table. You can have strategic avoidance, but unhealthy peace is choosing to not touch something you care about because you're afraid of loss and you're afraid of what might happen. And our society oscillates within our friendships and our families. We oscillate between unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict. We either avoid exit ghost or we burn the freaking house down. And I know this because my house was burned down, but metaphorically, through unhealthy peace.

40:05Because your parents never fought and then all of a sudden they got divorced. My parents never fought. They both came from conflict-averse families. One is white American from Iowa, from the Midwest. One is Indian. Totally different cultures, but this inherited culture that conflict is dangerous. I have such deep empathy for the people in the room who want to flee. And I've learned that you can hold heat. I've learned it's a learnable skill, but we're not taught it.

40:30Mel Robbins:So if you're listening right now and you're like, oh, my God, my whole life is full of unhealthy peace. There's all kinds of stuff at work. I never say anything. I am in a marriage where I feel like roommates. I hold resentment toward friends that I never express. I tolerate disrespect and other stuff from a parent. What is the first step to do if you're recognizing that unhealthy peace is in your life? So first is to know you're not alone. This is very, very, very common. And part of the reason so many of us, myself included, are like this is because we're taught that conflict is immoral. We're taught that conflict is sin, metaphorically.

41:19We're taught that conflict is dysfunctional. We're taught that conflict is for people who are all messed up. And so the first element is to pause and to actually be curious and invite the idea that conflict is actually necessary for connection. Healthy communities hold healthy heat. And so the first thing is just to just pause. And if you are like me, which is I was raised where if any of the heat starts to rise, we all just stick our head in the sand like ostriches, that it is not only okay to have conflict, that it is conflict is relevance. Conflict is we don't fight about the things we don't care about.

42:04Right. And so when you're starting to get upset about something, you're starting to something rubs you the wrong way. That means that it's getting to the things that you value. It's the things that are actually give you life. And so as a conflict resolution, one of the things we often look for is what the conflict resolution facilitator called Sethou Nair calls relational longing. And relational longing, as facilitators in any type of fight, we're not brought in with people who hate each other because they just leave. Right? Facilitators work with people who still want to belong to each other.

42:40And so part of the essence of getting into any type of relationship, friendship, long-term community is finding the relational longing that still exists at the center of the fight and coming from there to begin to say, hey, I'm going to speak this dangerous truth. I'm going to say this thing that scares me. In part, too, because as an investment in you, because otherwise I may just leave.

43:05Mel Robbins:What would your advice be for that moment when you are the one keeping the peace, but you're really scared to say anything or to try to shift the dynamic? Get curious about what this conflict actually is and don't assume that it's going to end the relationship. Conflict is actually quite intimate. When you actually get into a conflict with someone else, it's doing things like admitting that you're affected by the other person, admitting that you're vulnerable to the other person. One of the reasons conflict is so scary is because it's admitting that we affect each other. And so the first thing to think about is actually your own body.

43:53And before you figure out what you're going to say or when you're going to say it or how you're going to say it, I have a friend and facilitator, Prentice Hemphill, who says the most powerful body we have is a relaxed body. And so the first thing I'll tell you as a facilitator, I actually write about this in The Art of Fighting that's coming out this fall, is I break down what we as facilitators do to prepare for a fight we're going to hold. And a huge amount before I enter a room to hold a fight I'm not even a part of is physical. And we think of fights as physical, but actually the biggest physicality of a fight is in our own bodies.

44:31And so to think first is to breathe, to literally put both feet on the ground. I think about my own purpose and intention in coming in. And then I'm still kind of shaky. and my voice may still shake. And then to say, hey, do you have a moment? Can we talk about something? Do you have a moment to chat? I wanted to just share with you something that didn't sit well with me. And part of modern life is we actually oscillate between, again, saying nothing and suing each other. So in our cultural context where we don't have a lot of healthy heat examples, sometimes people do freak out. And so if you're listening and you're part of a team, you can actually start creating healthier cultures in your team for heat.

45:16Simple example, I had this manager do it, is I said, start your weekly meetings, your staff meetings, just for 10 minutes, no more, or you zip around and everybody does rose and thorn. It's just parents in the family. Parents, exactly. So best part of your week, worst part of your week. And I said, just do that 10 weeks in a row. Don't change anything else, just do that 10 weeks in a row. And she came back and she said, you know, the first few weeks, some people were really into it, other people weren't. Then week three, week four, they started realizing like, okay, we're really doing this. For some people, what was risky was sharing stuff outside of work.

45:45For some people, what was risky was sharing stuff inside of work. But by the eighth week, the rest of the meeting began to change because they started normalizing thorns. And so part of thinking about the cultures that you're creating in your families, particularly if you're somebody with some amount of social power or authority, is whatever your relationship to conflict is, it's going to be the group's relationship to conflict.

46:08Mel Robbins:Priya, I have so many things that I am going to put to use immediately already. Don't go anywhere. We're going to take a quick break so we can give our amazing sponsors a chance to share a few words, but we have so much more to dig into when we return. Stay with me.

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47:08Mel Robbins:Join hundreds of thousands of women getting real results with Ladder. No thinking, everything planned. If you have an iPhone, head to ladder.fit.com and take a quick quiz to find your perfect Ladder plan. Use my link, ladder.fit.com for a free seven-day trial, no credit card required, and$10 off your first month if you join. Are you getting enough omega-3s in your diet. Your heart, brain, and immune system all need omega-3s to function the way they're supposed to. Now, this is backed by tens of thousands of studies, and yet over 80 % of Americans are not getting enough omega-3s from food alone.

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49:51Mel Robbins:Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are here with Priya Parker, the bestselling author of The Art of Gathering. So I want to go back to the moment that we've all had where you are at a family gathering and you are sitting at the table and all of a sudden, somebody who we all know who the difficult person is in the extended family, they do their thing. You know, like whatever, they sound off about, and you are now in your unhealthy peace. Yeah. And you're thinking about Priya's art of gathering and the art of fighting, and you're starting to feel the heat and you're thinking, I would rather be on the planet Mars than sitting at this dining room table right now.

50:46Mel Robbins:How on earth does healthy heat or a little bit of conflict make the gathering better? First of all, that moment is really scary. Yes. And it is, most of us go back into the roles that we've always played. You know what I do? I start busting the table. Yeah. Yeah. And then I get a drink. Yeah. Which is not a way to handle healthy conflict, by the way. So this may sound like a cop-out, but it actually isn't, which is these moments in time are actually few and far between. And the best way to change them is before anyone enters the room. Oh, okay. I love that. The best way to change the dynamic is before anyone enters the room.

51:30Okay. What am I changing? So first of all, if this is something that's happening at your dinner table once a year, over and over again, first, find your allies. Find your allies that also at every moment feel like, I hate that he does that. I hate that they do that. But I don't know what to do in that moment. It feels so scary. This is also a multi-generational family ritual. Like, who are we to come in? Absolutely. You know who those people are?

51:52Mel Robbins:They're the ones that are looking at you across the table. Exactly. Find your allies. Find your allies. The second is sometimes the old structures actually no longer work. Can I give a simple example? Yeah, please. So I had a family who there was a lot of conflict and often like about politics and it was just sort of over and over and over again. I think that's all of us right now. It's just exhausting. It sort of felt like we all have to just like suck it in and go do this thing. And so what this family did was they, there's two people in it and they're like, okay, we still want to spend time as a family because it goes back to the purpose.

52:28I may not agree with everything in this large extent of family, but this is also these are my people. And what they ended up doing was they found their allies. There's a few other siblings and cousins who were on board with changing, just like everyone basically drinking for three hours and then sitting at a table and drinking more. And so they decided and they created a cooking championship where the next year at the family reunion, they put together teams ahead of time of different people, including the people who are like, I don't know how to cook. And it's like, well, here's a spatula, right?

53:01They put together the cooks and the non-cooks and every different team was responsible for a different meal. It took more time. The prep time took more time. Then everyone was excited about what everyone was eating. They focus on the food rather than what you squeeze out the politics conversation by arguing about who made the best salsa. Right. And so one of the things I talk about is like fight, but about other stuff. I love that. The activity is such a great diversion. Yes. You know, another thing, this is particularly to change conversation, host a hot takes party where you argue about stuff that does not matter.

53:38It's adding warmth to heat. It's saying, I did this with my team years ago. We hosted a hot takes party. It's our end of the year dinner. And people come with their most controversial opinion that does not matter. Give me an example. There should be only one type of pasta. Tuesday is the best day of the week. Winter is the best season. And you have to defend it to the end. And what happens, and I've seen this in teams, is people start laughing and it gives them permission to be like, how could you say there's only one type of pasta? My Italian heritage is deeply offended. But you're actually learning that you can argue.

54:11There can be juice. There can be warmth. There can be banter. And I've seen teams do this where you're starting to help people have warmth and humor in how they fight and realize that you can actually add juice, you know, water the ground and realize, again, there's a lot of energy here. But fight about other stuff. I freaking love that.

54:30Mel Robbins:You're a genius. You are. So we've talked about purpose. We've talked about a good controversy. You're going to have your hot takes. What is the third thing that can really create meaning in your next gathering? Thinking about how you open and how you close. Okay, give us some examples. So I think about a gathering as the creation of a temporary alternative world. And as a host, you're creating that world. It could be a mosh pit. It could be a rave. It could be a picnic by the river. But these are actually different worlds. And so part of as a host is to think about how do you actually open? The first 5 % of a gathering deeply matters.

55:11So when you're hosting a gathering, really deeply thinking about how do you open? And what are you doing in those first few moments when people are arriving, whether it's to the 30th anniversary, whether it's to a dinner party? Because we actually are looking to see how do we behave in any of these moments. And when a host comes and says, hey, either introduces people to each other or brings people around and says, hey, would you be our wine minister for the night? Whenever you see a cup, would you mind just filling up our water minister? Those first 5 % is when people actually realize, oh, this is how I behave here.

55:54Mel Robbins:Give us some fast ideas for those first few minutes when they're coming into your house. Stand there. Stand there. Take a moment. Have a greeting committee, meaning literally your two friends. I had a friend who was having a birthday party years ago, and she asked three friends who love doing this, this is important, to be the greeting committee. I'm saying that in quotes, right? All that meant was we stood by the door, and as people came in there, we were like, hi, welcome to so-and-so's birthday party. We've heard so much about you. And the way people respond, like, oh my gosh, you've heard so much about me?

56:34Mel Robbins:How about a Zoom meeting? Give us a bunch of fast ideas for the best way to open a Zoom call at work without it being cheese ball and also like pulling people in, like how you set that intention. Yeah. So Zoom is such a great context to learn from. And one of the things that creates connection is informal activity. And Zoom is like the enemy of informal, right? We're all in these squares. You have to mute on, mute off. You're not sure if you're supposed to talk, right? That you can't talk to someone else. So you enter an in-person meeting. You can go, you can choose the seat you sit in. You can be like, hey, can I get you a coffee, right?

57:14There's all of this informal stitching that actually binds a group. And so in these virtual contexts, that's taken from us. And so the host needs to actually create that. And so simple examples. First is if you are hosting this Zoom, be fully on. Like once it's on, once the time is start, be on time. And then be there. it's almost like, I mean, I say this as a facilitator that does a lot of Zooms. It's almost like you're a live sportscaster, right? And so you're just like, hey, how's it going? You know what? I'm just going to have a sip of this water. And I'm curious, what are all you, what's your, you're all in different time zones?

57:51Like just pop into the chat. What are you drinking right now? Oh, Earl Grey tea. Oh, some, right. You're actually warming up the group, But on Zoom, it's through your language. It's not unlike a podcast host. The second is to invite people to come on camera. I work with a lot of leaders and managers who say, like, I don't know how to get my team on camera, but I can't actually read their faces. So I had a leader who told me that one of the things he did was he told his team that they could be camera off if they sung a Neil Diamond song. No. And, like, I was with his team when they did it, and they all started laughing.

58:25and it was like, it was this playful pop-up rule. They all know he loves Neil Diamond. And the reason he did that and it worked for the team is because he wanted to know that they were engaged, right? They wanted, the reason he wanted the camera on is to know that they're not sitting there doing something else. One of the things I often do with my team and my students is I have them ask a magical question in the chat while people are waiting. What's the first concert you ever went to? And who took you? And people start populating in the chat. it creates a completely different world. It helps you understand sort of who's here and who's not here.

58:59So I have a friend who runs a tutoring company. Her name is Marcella, and she started doing this. She would ask a magical question every week, but at some point, it's kind of like the boss is asking a magical question again. And so she started rotating who everyone each week. Oh, you're assigned the magical question. Yes. Got it. Each week, a different team member was assigned coming up with a magical question and asking it in the first three minutes of the chat and everyone answers it. She's building leadership skills. She's sharing the weight. We actually are excited to hear what one another is going to ask.

59:33We can learn from that practice. We start understanding and getting to know each other as a group. And part of why this is important is particularly in virtual teams, when the going gets tough, when there's some mistake, as there will be in every team, the likelihood that I'll pick up the phone and be like, hey, Mel, I actually wanted to talk to you about something. You're creating psychological community through knowing things about each other within appropriate boundaries within that is relevant to the work. But that actually helps people understand who each other are and has some cross-stitching between the group.

1:00:07You say that the endings matter. How do you end? Most gatherings don't end. They stop. What's the difference? You're at a conference. You've had this like beautiful kind of arc of an experience. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, thanks for coming. You know, got to run. Coats are in the back. Okay, over and out. Thanks, everybody. And actually, as I said, every gathering is a temporary alternative world. And the more different it is from everyday life, the more you also have a responsibility to close it. I had an improv teacher called Dave Sawyer actually here in Boston. and he would always say, good actors think about how they enter a stage.

1:00:50Great actors also obsess about how they exit, how they leave. And so thinking about, again, very simply, walk people out. If somebody's coming to your home, right, walk people out. It's so touching. Sometimes people walk me out of their home and I'm like, thank you. Right, this is an extra piece of care. Thank you for walking me out. It can be, you know, and sometimes you need to get people out of your house. Let me walk you out. Yes. And so issuing like in bars, you know, the last call. Yeah. They ding. They there's a there's a they ding the bum like last call, last drink. It's a way to actually prime people to start leaving.

1:01:28And so thinking about what your last call is. My husband and I argue a lot about this. And he comes from my house. It's like you would never signal to your guests that they should leave. And I come from a family culture where you would never as a guest leave until your host releases you. That's right. So you have this like chicken game where everyone's like, do we leave now? Is it over? How do we close? And so finding simple ways to allow people to exit. One way is if you're having people for dinner and you're not really sure if it's time to leave, you can say, well, you know, thank you all so much for coming.

1:02:00For some of you, it's a school night. But for those of you who can stay, and we really hope you will, like, let's move to the living room for a nightcap. So finding ways to sort of allow people to exit, whether it's a life of a conversation, whether it's a party you can kind of feel when it's sort of it's coming to an end and so part of it is like give it an honorable death allow people to leave whether it's a final song whether it's a final dance whether it's just simply as a facilitator sometimes we do this in work it's like we're asking people like best moments of the night okay best jokes of the night okay who is the mvp who and just finding ways to help people meaning make together and then slowly be like what what transpired here.

1:02:39And in a work context, I do this with all of my Zooms. What did you most learn over the last hour? Summer camps do this really well. Because they have campfires. I mean, they should do it really well. They should do it really well, but they think really deeply about closing and they're closing day and the day before and closing ceremonies, right? Tiny little ways to bring ritual back. We're sort of a ritualist culture. Not now, because you just taught us how to bring in life is realizing that we still need and want ritual. And when our institutions are fraying and when more people can be part of many institutions, which is also a good thing, for better or for the worse, we actually need to start inventing these rituals.

1:03:25And when rituals that no longer served us because they were either oppressive or because they no longer make any sense because the village has changed, it doesn't mean you end all ritual. It means you ask now, what now do we need? And how might we together bring about something that allows us to break bread together, have meaning together, and be alive in this precious time that we have?

1:03:48Mel Robbins:So if you're the kind of person who doesn't really consider yourself to be a host, right? Or you are kind of like, ah, you recognize you're waiting for the invite, but you don't typically think of yourself as the host, what is your message? Hosting is not an identity. It's an activity. Groups end when people feel like they're not meaningfully contributing or it's not being meaningfully contributing back, basically a lack of reciprocity. And so to not think about it as like this big archetypal thing of like, I'm a host, but to actually think about it as effort, thinking about also host something you would love to attend.

1:04:31Host something that you want to do and invite one other person to join you. Start small, start simple. If it feels like an obligation, don't do it.

1:04:42Mel Robbins:What are your recommendations for someone who is living in an apartment building or moved to a new neighborhood, doesn't really know the neighbors? Just this week, I saw on Instagram a woman who posted that she hosted a chair and share in her neighborhood. She didn't know any of her neighbors. She sent out all analog invitations, flyers under her neighbor's doors, and the invitation was to bring a chair and share your name. 40 neighbors show up, and they had a great time. But again, it sounds silly. A chair, it's actually a symbol. It's specific. I can bring a chair. I'm afraid people are bringing lawn chairs.

1:05:31Somebody brought like their like wheelie office chair. It gives us something to sit on and it's showing the initiative. Also, a lot of people feel this way to find one or two other hosts, co-hosts ideally because it can be scary to do something alone. You can also, using flyers, use the occasion of either of holidays invented or not. There are many public institutions that have lots of free programming that actually exist over and over and over again. But the key is to keep going to the same event over and over again because proximity and repetition creates safety and community.

1:06:10Mel Robbins:You're at a gathering or you're at dinner with your friends. Yeah. And then you have caught up. How's kids? What's going on with work? Yeah, your parents, they're still doing okay? Awesome. What are you doing this summer? Yeah. And now there's that pause. Yeah. And you're kind of thinking about, and I realize you're going to tell me I should have thought about this before I'm there. But now that I'm there and we've done the small talk, what's a fast trick to get us to go in a different direction? To ask a magical question. Okay. And you can keep them in your pocket. I have a subset called Group Life.

1:06:47We have like more than 50 magical questions. Like take it in your pocket. Give me your top five magical questions. What is something you own that you're pretty sure no one else in this group owns? Oh, that's a good one. Right?

1:07:04Mel Robbins:A tractor. Why do you have a tractor? Because I live on a mountain and we have a field that needs stuff. and a long driveway that needs to be plowed. And I think my husband looks really sexy on it, honestly. There are, so what you just gave me there is like six different conversational doorknobs. A couple other magical questions. What's a movie, film, or TV show that you could never watch again? Probably Jaws, because that came out my like fifth grade summer or fourth grade summer. And there was something so terrifying about that movie that just about every person that I know in their mid to late 50s had a terrorizing summer, would not get in swimming pools, that shot from below.

1:07:51Mel Robbins:Oh my God. I still to this day, think about it. Totally. So do I. And so Jaws as a movie, then you can see all of this conversation. What should film be? Is that one of the greatest movies that have ever been created or that terrorize an entire generation and change our relationship to the water? Both. All right, give me the other three. What is an outfit you could have thrown away a long time ago, but you still keep? And what does it mean to you? If your life was a movie, what would the opening credits song be? That's amazing. What's the another one? What is your favorite way to eat a potato?

1:08:27Mel Robbins:I like a baked potato that's double stuffed where you've stirred in the cheese and the sour cream into the middle. And then you packed it back in and we get fresh scallions on top and bacon on top, maybe a little horseradish too. And then you cut it in half and you can eat it like a potato, you know, like taco, especially if that outside is super crispy. and if I'm having a clam roll or a burger or a lobster roll, it's gotta be shoestring fries. I mean, right now I learned about your regional preferences. I learned about your passionate beliefs about a potato. I could hear that you have time in New England, but I also could hear maybe you had time in the Midwest.

1:09:11I remembered my double stuffed potatoes from my childhood. I had memories of my stepsister putting those things in, coming out, right? There's so much context in that. And who can forget a tater tot? I mean, come on now. And in diverse groups and actually in global teams, this question, this humble question is beautiful because you think it's super simple. And then all of a sudden, people have everything from samosas to— Gnocchi? Absolutely. And what about you? For me, it would be alu puri, which is an Indian food. And when I—

1:09:45Mel Robbins:Is that potatoes and peas? It can be, but it's one of those recipes where it's like everyone has their own secret. Alu is usually, this is just potato. It's not just potato, but it's a potato kind of spiced. And I'm half Indian. My mother growing up, when I was growing up, would always take me to India for multiple weeks, sometimes multiple months to spend time with my Indian family. And my grandmother would be standing there in her nightcap and her long nightgown. and she'd hear us come and she'd shuffle into the kitchen and she'd microwave the alu puri that she had made for me. And she'd make more warm puris on the stove and it'd be three in the morning.

1:10:24And I would sit there and I'd eat her alu puri. And I was like, all is well with the world.

1:10:30Mel Robbins:You gave us so many great things that we can do. And I also love the fact that it doesn't have to take a lot of effort for you to get a massive, massive return. If the person listening takes just one thing away from all of the things that you have shared with us, the tactics, the questions, the different ideas, the fun, the inspiration, what do you think is the most important thing to do after you're done listening to this that will have your next gathering be very different. To pause and ask, what is the need? What is a need that I have? Or what is the need I'm seeing in this community? Why are we coming together?

1:11:20And the purpose need not be serious. In fact, probably better that it's not. But to pause and ask, how do I want to spend my time? And if this all feels overwhelming, just the next time you're in a gathering, the next, whether it's a meeting, whether it's a family reunion, whether it's a wedding, just start observing. Just start observing. Are people happy to be here? Is there a thought behind this? What are moments where people are starting to come alive? How am I feeling in this moment? Is there a way, is there a simple technique? I may be at a wedding table that I've been sat at with strangers and we don't know each other.

1:12:00Is there a tiny thing I could do, whether it's a person next to me or across, that might, for this one moment, make this more interesting? And if this all feels overwhelming, start by being a really good guest. Guests have a lot of power.

1:12:13Mel Robbins:Well, since you said that endings really matter, I thought maybe we'd end in a different way. Oh, how about you end by asking the person who was with us a magical question? So if I was sitting here and I was deeply thinking about your community, I would ask something like, what is a specific moment or insight from a Mel Robbins podcast that changed your life and what action did you take in your life because of it? But specifically, what action did you take and how to go? That's the story part of it. Oh, I'd love to hear the story. And you can either put it in the review or you can send it in at melrobbins.com or you can post about it on social.

1:13:01Mel Robbins:That's a great one. Priya Parker, Absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for the work that you're doing. The whole team has been so excited for you to come. And we have a lot of fun around here, but we all could have more meaningful and more intentional and purposeful connections in our lives. And I'm super excited because the things that you suggested seem super simple and that they would make an enormous difference. And I cannot wait. I am going to particularly use the piece about sometimes people just need to go on a walk or to do soccer or to play badminton and not have a deep talk.

1:13:45Mel Robbins:And sometimes we need to take ownership over changing the way we're doing things and finding allies. And the entire section about the unhealthy piece, holy cow, that was incredible. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for listening to something that will truly change the way you are showing up with your family, the kind of fun you can have and connections that you can make with your friends, your neighbors, work. There was so much here that I know I'm going to apply. I truly hope you apply it. And if you do, I guarantee you, you're going to have more fun and more meaningful connections, and you deserve that.

1:14:29Mel Robbins:And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you, and I believe in your ability to create a better life. And you just heard Priya share with you that part of living a better life, it requires a little bit of heat from you. It requires you to change some things. It requires you to think about what you actually want and need, and then take responsibility for being the one that creates it because you can. And I really hope you do. All righty. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

1:15:09Mel Robbins:So thinking about how you open and then - I've already screwed that up because I'm realizing the opening few minutes when you arrive at my house is me swinging open the front door, yelling at our two dogs, Get over here. Stop barking. They're nice. They're nice. They're not going to bite you. They just shout. Get in here. Who let these dogs out? Oh, you live on a farm. Oh, you have a thing. No, I just pretend to. I don't really actually live on a farm. But we do have a lot of land and there's a lot of crap to move around and dead trees and that kind of stuff. Ooh, OK. What is something? Sorry.

1:15:46Mel Robbins:I know a lot about you now. I know exactly what to make you if you're feeling sad. It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun. These magical questions are incredible. I cannot wait to think of them for our work meetings. You all are beautiful hosts. Oh, you really are. Well, thank you. It's I feel very well held.

1:16:07Mel Robbins:Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Sirius XM Podcasts.

1:16:49Mel Robbins:I am so excited to bring you this segment sponsored by our friends at Verizon. As we talk about honoring your personal standards and cutting out the things in life that we shouldn't tolerate. Keep in mind that this applies to everything, including your network. Verizon's Better Deal policy is there to make sure you get the best network and a better deal for yourself because that's what you deserve. Head over to a Verizon store to find out how to get a better deal. Even if you're an existing customer, which my family has been for 12 years, Verizon will make sure to get you a better deal that meets your personal standards.

1:17:32Mel Robbins:You know, I read this quote the other day that really stuck with me. Here it is. I just don't want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything. I want to say it again because I really want you to hear this. I just don't want that for myself anymore. Is a valid enough reason to stop anything. And as I've really sat with this quote, I kind of think the reason it hit me so hard is because it's so easy to just wait around for some big dramatic reason to change. And stop and think about that. What exactly are you waiting for? Are you waiting to change until you're completely burnt out?

1:18:13Mel Robbins:Are you waiting until you have some reason that sounds important enough to everybody else? Well, as your friend, I'm going to tell you something. Do not hit that breaking point. You are allowed to look at some aspect of your life and say, you know what? I'm done with this. And that's what raising your standards is all about. It doesn't mean you're being difficult. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. What it means is you're finally being honest with yourself. honest about what no longer works for you. Maybe you used to tolerate this stuff because you were just trying to keep the peace, even though it was creating this war inside of you.

1:18:51Mel Robbins:Or maybe you tolerated being the person who always says yes to everything and never learned that it's okay to say no. Maybe it's friendships where you're the one putting in all the effort. Or maybe it's actually something that you've been tolerating within yourself that you've got to say no to. The fact that you've constantly been putting yourself down. So let's revisit this powerful quote. I just don't want that for myself anymore is a valid enough reason to stop anything. You are allowed to throw away the negative things you used to tolerate. You know what that's called? Growth. And it doesn't always look like some huge transformation.

1:19:34Mel Robbins:Sometimes growth is just, I'm not available for this anymore. I'm not pretending that this is fine when deep down, I know it's not. Or simply saying, I just don't want this for myself anymore. That last one is so powerful because it puts you back in touch with who you are and what you want and deserve. You are allowed to want better. You are allowed to change. You don't have to spend the rest of your life as this version of yourself. And what would it look like to raise your standards just one decision at a time. You don't have to blow up your life. You don't have to make big declarations to everybody.

1:20:14Mel Robbins:Just one decision, one boundary that you're gonna set for yourself, one honest sentence that you're gonna say on repeat. I just don't want this for myself anymore. That's it. That's enough. That's where change starts and your next chapter begins. Thank you again to Verizon for sponsoring this segment. Verizon understands the importance of personal standards. Whether you're a new or an existing customer like me, they're here to work with you. Bring your AT &T or T-Mobile bill to Verizon for a better deal on the best network. Must provide recent consumer mobile bill in the name of the person redeeming the deal.

1:20:58Mel Robbins:Additional terms, conditions, and restrictions apply. Best network based on Root Metrics Best Overall Mobile Network Performance, U.S. Second Half 2025. All rights reserved. I love our sponsor, Viore. My husband, Chris, and my son, Oakley, basically live in Viore. And let me tell you about some of my favorites. The Viore All the Form Legging has new Viore Bliss Blend Form Fabric. What is that? It's the softest fabric you've ever felt in your entire life, and it has enhanced compression for this held-in sensation. Another one of my favorites, the Pose Plyo Tank. Okay, this is the perfect cut tank.

1:21:35Mel Robbins:It has a racer back, but my favorite part, it has a built-in bra. You can wear jeans, you can wear with casual linen pants. You're going to look so fantastic. And one more thing, when I was on tour, I lived in the villa pants. Super flowy. You can roll them up into a ball and shove them into a suitcase, pull them right out, no wrinkles. Get 20 % off your first purchase at viori.com slash mel and discover the versatility of Viore clothing. That's V-U-O-R-I dot com, viori.com slash mel. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Here on this podcast, we talk a lot about tools.

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