Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People (Steal This!)

0:00Hey, it's Mel. And welcome to an impromptu jump on the mic people episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's fricking do this.

0:13Oh my God, you guys, I have something I have to talk to you about. Making your life as an adult as fun as summer camp and how to make adult friends using coffee shops in your neighborhood. Okay. Awesome. Okay. Yes. But first I got, I came from a coffee shop. Can we talk about this fricking pastry that I brought? It's gorgeous. Oh my God. I love a pastry, everybody. Betty, I exercise simply to eat a 10 ,000 calorie pastry. Yeah. Yeah. Look at it. Well, it's worth it. Most of you don't know this, but I have a love affair with pastries because my grandparents, Betty and Frank Schneeberger, they...

0:52What are you laughing about? That name. I'm laughing at my freaking name. Yeah. It is a funny name. And also you act like, you know, oh, you know, Betty and Frank Schneeberger? Yeah. Right down the road. Like, it's like a very funny, like... Well, they're under the ground and up in heaven now. No, I'm sure. Sure. Yeah. No, but they sound like folksy and like they are people that we would like to be friends with. I would like to know them. And eat a pastry with. They are salt of the earth. My grandfather immigrated here from Austria at the age of 15. Wow. He was in the Navy. My grandmother grew up in a coal mining town in Ohio.

1:21And they met because she was shipped off from the coal mining town to become a maid for some rich family based on a newspaper ad. Whoa. And they met. And when he got out of the Navy, they started working in a bakery in Chatham, New Jersey. And my grandfather was the baker. And ultimately, over the years, they bought out the owner and they were the Chatham bakery people. This is, by the way, why I never saw them, because they ran a bakery by themselves. And when you run a bakery, you're running a bakery. Right. So I always think about my grandparents when I see a great pastry. So I love pastries.

1:59Yeah. Here's the breakthrough that I had. When I first moved to this tiny ass town a couple years ago now, I guess I haven't, I've lived here full time now for about a year. When I first moved here, I hated it. I was lonely. I had no friends other than you two. And you two are amazing, but I'm sorry. Like, it's kind of lame if your only friends are from work, right? Yes. I hated it here. Today, I realized that I have had a life changing breakthrough. I woke up today and I feel like I live in adult summer camp. That's awesome. I woke up, I rolled out of bed, I had my glass of water, I made my bed and then I checked my phone and Amy, you and David Gerbitz were already texting like schoolgirls.

2:56We were. Like at 530 in the morning. You're like, who's up? And you're texting photos of the view this morning. And then you're like, who wants to do something? Is Amy pulling a card? Are we going for a walk? What's happening? And then you said, Mel, get in here. And that was the last text I read. And I was like, here, what do you mean in here? And then I realized you were talking about just get in the text chat. Yeah. And then talk to us. Well, we were up before the bugle, you know, at camp kind of like we were just up. And yeah, we're like-minded in that way. We're all up early in the morning, doing our thing, getting our day started.

3:31So I was like, Mel, get in here. What have you got to say? What are we doing? Oh my God. And I felt this like, oh, I have friends. Yeah. I have friends that are having fun that want me to have fun with this. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then like, it just was this moment. And so as I was reflecting on this this morning, I thought, how did I get here? How did I get here? How did I get from being new to a tiny community, feeling so depressed and lonely, being worried that I had made a huge mistake by leaving a place that I had been for a very long time, convincing myself I would never find people like people have in college or you have at summer camp and you're just having fun and you're doing life together.

4:17And there's no there's some drama, but no drama, really. Like, you know, right. And here I am and I've created it. And I realize the point of the episode today is to get you to consider that it is within your power to create an experience as an adult where your life feels like summer camp, where your friendships are really fun, where you're having fun, where you wake up to tax chains, where friends are already talking. And that's what's happened. And oddly enough, it has to do a lot with coffee shops. I can't wait to hear this. Let's do it. Okay. Okay, great. And I just need to also say that there are people outside doing all kinds of work around here.

5:00There are tractors. There are stone walls that are getting built. There is pavement going in today. And so, you know, you're going to hear some stuff. Yes. And we're not going to edit it out because the whole point of the Mel Robbins podcast is that we're doing life together and we're putting our arm around you and taking you on that walk with us. Along with all the brawny men outside. Yes. We're jumping on the mic. Yeah, we're just jumping on the mic together. And I want to inspire you today to think about the next 12 months of your life and the breakthrough that is available to you if you start to show up differently and you get super intentional about creating fun with friends and meeting new people and putting yourself out there.

5:41Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's a friend of mine calling like on cue gretchen gretchen now yes you're on the podcast we were just talking about friendship and how it sounds it feels like summer camp here and then you called oh i'm so glad i called too i'll call you back when you're done with your podcast all right but just tell everybody how miserable i was a year ago well you thought you had no friends you did have friends and you were depressed and you are sad sack but you had friends and you were loved you just didn't feel it oh whoa drop them drop them hey wow exactly okay she sounds like the camp counselor this yes yes all right my love all right i love you i'll call you later bye oh okay maybe we should start there yeah like maybe you do have friends and you're not letting them in amy i'm looking at you yeah i believe it you're looking at me because i just said that yes yes just yesterday amy turned to me and was like i i i need to find my friend group i'm like bitch i'm in your friend group what are you talking about i thought about that and i told my husband tim about that and he was like that is probably the rudest thing you could ever say to somebody i need friends while looking at a room full of people that are like your contacts not you not you i mean real friends no i know it's it's true but you know what the you know what that points to though, Mel is I was feeling, you know, a little sad.

7:16Why? Because I was looking at life through the lens of, I don't have any friends. I was literally telling the person you that I am friends with, well, I don't have any friends. How lame is that? You know? And, and I was thinking about that moment and how I changed my mindset on that and how, you know, you were kind of like, all right, listen, this ends here. If you're not going to consider me, you know, like a good friend And I thought about it and I thought, why do I feel like that? It's just a habit to feel like that. Yes. And I also think that as an adult, there is a major change in mindset that you need to make.

7:57And interestingly, Gretchen clearly called at the exact right time to make sure that we talked about this. I mean, it's kind of uncanny because when you're growing up, so much of your friendships are orchestrated through teams and classes that you're in and through people that live on your hallway or people that you work with. And so they are made for you through proximity. Right. But the older that you get, the more intentional you need to be about causing those bump ins and causing reasons to get together. As life gets busier, as you get older, as people move away, as people go through different life experiences, whether it's a change in a job or an ending of a marriage or a breakup or whatever, or start having kids or get a ton of dogs or whatever ends up happening.

8:51your friendships change because you stop seeing people so much but here's the mistake that I made is I stopped thinking that the people that I didn't see as much were my friends we associate the amount of times you see somebody with whether or not they are actually a friend of yours and I am here to make you think differently on a number of levels because these are big breakthroughs that I had. A year ago when I was a sad sack, lonely, I got no friends, bitch. I remember it. I was so sad. Amy's favorite story about me is like the definition of pathetic. Yeah. Well, you were, you had just moved into this house and it is a gorgeous home and your surroundings are fantastic.

9:36And yet you're crying your eyes out. And you know, like Gretchen said, super sad sack. And I was trying to cheer you up. And I said, Mel, what do you think you'll do with the landscaping here, knowing that you love flowers. I said, do you think you're maybe going to plant some, some hydrangea here or peonies that you love? And you said, I don't know. I'll probably just leave it all dirt.

10:04And what do we know who's outside today? Right. We're planning. Yeah. A year later, here I am planting peonies, hydrangeas and tons of pasta. Yeah. And here, this is an important part because when it comes to loneliness and friendship, it doesn't matter how nice your car is. It doesn't matter how good your job is. It doesn't matter how much money you have or you don't have. If you tell yourself the story that nobody likes you or that all your friends are gone or that you're the only one that doesn't have a friend group or you can't have any fun or you're not having any fun or you'll never have fun again, you will stay stuck there.

10:42And the truth is your friends didn't go anywhere. Your friends, I am convinced, and I need you to hear this loud and clear. Every single adult right now is having a friendship crisis. You believe that your friends are having this wild party and you're not invited. And it's not true. Every single time I talk about this topic with anybody, they chime in and say, I feel the exact same way. I feel like I never see my friends. I feel lonely. I'm not having as much fun as I would like to have. And I got so sick and tired of going, I'm just going to live with dirt. I'm not going to plant anything. Then I said, woman, if you want to have more fun, if you want friends, you got to put your ass out there again.

11:28You do. You have to cause us just like if I want plants to grow, I got to plant the seeds. I got to split the hosta. I got to stick in the ground. And I'm telling you, I want to inspire you today to think differently about friendship. Okay. I want today to be the day that you turn the corner and you start to plant those seeds because you can wake up a year from now and go, holy guacamole. My life feels like camp. Yeah. I have a lot of friends. I'm having fun again. And they're on purpose friends. What is an on purpose friend? On purpose friend is somebody that you deliberately wanted to be friends with and made that friendship happen.

12:06Okay. So, uh, not on purpose would be work friends or friends that you, um, I don't know that you maybe do some kind of sporting activity with, but like, it's not because you're a friend group first. It's just the sport. Yeah. There's a common bond, but that bond comes before the friendship. So like the softball, softball team's going to always exist, whether you're on it or not. Hold on a second. Okay. I love this distinction. Okay. The difference between the bond that's created versus the friendship that's developed. So to use the three of us as an example, we have a bond because we work together every day, but our friendship got created because we took it way further than just the bond of work.

12:54Yes. Yes. There's caring and empathy and nurturing and support. Outside hours. And probably HR non-compliant. Yeah. But that's cool because it's on purpose. It's okay. It's on purpose. So we want to. On purpose friends that are amazing. And I'm kind of just opening up to that too, because you don't feel like they're, I think that's part of the reason why I felt like I didn't have any friends because you feel like they're just friends with me because I work with them. right yeah or they're just friends with me because i'm in school with them right right and and that can make you feel like you're not really a good friend yeah but on purpose friends for me fill your life with such vitality and activity and excitement because they're there for you yeah they're the friend that's behind you not behind the softball team or the organization that you work for or whatever they're there for you how great is that to be on purpose with your friendship Great.

13:53So already two massive takeaways. Number one, there's a lie you're telling yourself, which is you have no friends. That's actually not true. Your friends are still there. What's been missing is the fact that you're not being proactive about developing the friendship piece. So let's take Amy's little framework there. Every relationship when it's a friendship has both the bond, which is usually created from some outside force. You're a neighbor or you're working together or you go to the same yoga studio. Or your family. Or your family. Yeah, it's a good one. Or whatever, like you went to college together.

14:35When the bond that brings you together all the time disappears, it's on you to keep the caring and the interest and the outreach alive, because that's what the friendship actually is. And so I want you to understand that all those people that you used to hang out with, that you used to feel that bond with, they're still there. And they're thinking you'd left. And you have an opportunity to flip your thinking and realize it's literally about reaching back out, getting very intentional about the reconnection. Because the last three years and everything that we've all been through, I think, evaporated the bond that brought most of us together in real life with our friends.

15:28And so I that's takeaway number one. Mm-hmm. Takeaway number two is that this is possible in your life. You can have an experience in your adult life that your entire adult life when it comes to friendship is a camp experience, that you're in it with other like-minded people, that you're having fun, that there are activities. And if you want that, then get the shovel out and start planting some seeds. And today, I'm so excited to share with you this framework around coffee shops, because I think this is a simple way to get your butt out of the house. Yeah. Especially for those of you like the three of us who moved to a new area in the last three years and all the bonds disappear because we're in a new physical location.

16:19And so this could be you. This could be you that you've gotten a divorce. You've changed jobs. You've moved in the last three years. You've graduated from college. You're in a new city. You broke up with somebody and now you're single. All these things that evaporate bonds, your friends are still there, number one. Number two, you can make new amazing friends too. I got to take a quick pause and eat this freaking pastry. When we come back, I'm going to unpack this amazing coffee shop example to how you, yes, you can start to create the best friends you've ever had in your life as an adult. I can't wait.

16:57Awesome.

17:06Welcome back. It's your friend, Mel. Got my arm around you. We're going for that walk. We're having pastries this morning. Amy and Jesse have joined us. This is one of these impromptu episodes. I cannot get the information out of my mouth faster. Yeah, you got a lot to say. I have a lot to say. You have a lot to say. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about friendship and coffee houses. It seems like a low lift. Right. Seems like, you know, something achievable. So. Okay. Tell us. What you got, Mel? I'm so excited about this because I do think it's possible for the next year for you to take on a project around friendship and for you to create the best friendships of your entire life doing this.

17:48and I'm so excited because I realize looking backwards that that's what I've been doing for a year. I've been putting myself out there and putting myself out there and putting myself out there. So here's the, here's the, the, the bakery friendship. What, what should I call this framework? The three part, I don't even know what the hell to call this. Here's how you use a bakery to get friends as an adult. There you go. So I think one of the hard things about being an adult, particularly in this world of remote work, is that you don't have as many chances to bump into people. And so that bond of a softball team or work or your kids' soccer games or going to a yoga studio, one major thing that has impacted adult friendship is that people are way more secluded in their homes.

18:43And so it's reduced exponentially the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you got to create the bond. And what I realized in moving to a new town, it's hard to find people. Like, where am I finding my people? And I don't want to seem like a desperate stalker. So, you know, how do I find my people and when I'm out in public trying to create this bond? How do I approach without seeming creepy? How do you do that if you're introverted? Like this is weird. Yeah. It's not like we're all freshmen in college again, because people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area.

19:26You don't know if they've been here forever. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yes. And so we sort of opt out of these opportunities. And that's where the coffee shop comes in. So first, I want you to think about your town. And I'm going to tell you something that's true that you've probably never thought about. There are four types of coffee shops in your town. Okay. There is the chain. So Dunkin' Donuts, Honeydew, Starbucks, insert your favorite chain. Okay. Yeah. And that's one type. There is the first responder coffee shop where the EMTs, the volunteer fire folks, the police officers, they're all gathered there every morning.

20:11There is the neighborhood local coffee shop, which is the place that a lot of moms stop by quickly on their way to school or maybe they meet their mom friends after school. And then there's the fourth type of coffee shop in your neighborhood, which is that high end one. You know, the kind of place where people wear an apron with leather straps and the pastries look like you would pay$75 for them. Yeah. I get a cocktail or coffee. Yes. And you have to think about it and identify those four types of coffee shops because the coffee shops themselves create an opportunity to create that external bond.

20:52that is needed in order to form a friendship. Hear me out. Yeah. Because all four of those types of coffee shops automatically, like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, sort out the kind of people that walk through the front door. Yeah. I could see this. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So if you think about the first type of coffee shop, the chain, Yeah. That is not a great place for you to create a bond with anybody that you want to become friends with. Yeah. A lot of them have mobile order. A lot of them have drive through. And so the entire psychology and energy of anybody going to that coffee shop is get in and get out.

21:43Yeah. Get in and get out. Get efficient. Get in and get out. Don't want to be seen. Correct. And if there is somebody sitting in there with a laptop, they're likely going to have headphones on. Right. Because they're trying to get something done. And because that kind of coffee shop experience is so transactional that people are in and out and in and out and in and out, it's a very distracting place to work. Right. And so it's not a great place to create a bond. So we're going to just move that off the table. OK. Yeah. Makes sense. Second type of coffee shop in every community is what I call the first responders, salt of the earth coffee shop.

22:20This is where the people that grew up in the town, the old timers, the volunteers that keep our town running. They got the best damn donuts in town. And the little cups of coffee. Oh, yeah. The little, those like thick saucers. This like used to be the diner crowd. Yeah. It's an institution. It's an institution. Yeah. And when you're new, it is intimidating as hell to walk into it, even though it's all of the most best, amazing people. Nicest people. Who know everyone. I know. They make your town run. But it feels. Like an insider? Yeah. Yeah. It feels like a hard casing on top of that, that you have to kind of crack through.

23:02And you feel like you have to sit down there. Yes. Where it's like, no, I'm just here to grab and go. But you got, I don't know. Everyone in there is relaxed and sitting and going to be there for a while. Yeah. Now that kind of first responder, salt of the earth, thank you for your service, everybody. We love you. Yes. The backbone of our town. That kind of coffee shop proves my point because that coffee shop experience where everybody gathers, they're always there having their cup of coffee before work, or they're always there after plowing all the driveways of a snowstorm, that coffee shop has created their bond.

23:42Yes. They prove that it's possible. Yes. Never thought about that. Right? Yeah. And by sitting there over a cup of coffee and having it be a ritual to start their day together, most mornings, their friendship is deepening. A couple things about this kind of coffee shop, best donuts in town. They probably have a crawler, you know, that big, you know, kind of donut thing that you're going to dip in. I'll tell you what they don't have. Those kinds of coffee shops never have a machine that makes cappuccinos and lattes. You're right. Donut espresso. Right. Yeah. Nope. And so here's the thing I want to tell you.

24:18If those are the kind of folks that you really connect with, and this is my entire extended family. I come from a line of farmers and machinists and COs and sheriffs and nail technicians and school administrators and people that own bakeries. These are my people. Yeah. Yeah. But it is so intimidating when you're in a new town. It is. To penetrate that established crowd. It's like being a kid and sneaking into the teacher's lounge. It is like that. Yeah. But if you're lucky enough to do it, they're going to be great people. You're in good hands. If you just show up every week and you sit down, they will put their arm around you.

25:08You just got to start showing up. And so that's coffee shop number two. We're going to take another quick break because I want more of this pastry. Get in there, Mel. And when we return, I'm going to explain coffee shop number three and coffee shop number four. And then we're going to get into some really great techniques that you can use. Once you pick which coffee shop you're going to try to establish your bond in to make the approach. Stay with us. Awesome.

25:46welcome back it's your friend mel this pastry is so damn good i'm talking about adult friendship and how i'm on a mission to inspire you to create the best friendships of your entire life coffee shop number three in your town the local coffee shop it's where all the moms go on the way to work or on the way to dropping off kids at school and it's the place where it's bustling in the morning you got people with laptops out every other customer they're like i'll have the regular and the people working behind the counter like they know oh that means you want a a latte with three sugars and you want the carrot muffin to go.

26:34They're usually busy till like 11 because a lot of people meet there after dropping off their kids. Like it's that kind of place. Yeah. Yeah. So it's different from number one because it's maybe not a franchise and it's just more local. Yes. The local feel. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Okay. And different for number two because it's not really the place where you see the established group. Yeah. Almost every morning. Yeah. Okay. This is the place that if I had to meet you at 10 o 'clock to catch up, we'd meet there. Yeah. You know what I mean? Solid food, solid coffee. Yeah. You know, you're going to get the right thing.

27:11Exactly. They got the little punch card where you buy the coffee, the loyalty cards. Yeah. Yeah. They might even have the alphabetized index on the desk, you know, for your cards, you can leave it there. It's like that kind of place, right? Yeah. They might convert to sandwiches, you know, at noontime, that kind of place. And all the teenagers in town work there in the summertime. Exactly, exactly, exactly. And, you know, one of the other things I'm going to layer into this is that sorting hat reference. Certain types of people go to certain types of coffee shops on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't frequent all four because I do frequent all four of these.

27:51Sure. There is my go-to that if you could only pick one of the four, there is one that you would pick. And that's how you know the kind of person that you are and the kind of sorting hat thing that's going to happen for you. And this gets deeper and deeper, but let me tell you number four next. So number four is that coffee shop that is always written up in the travel guide about your town. It is the one that is with Barnwood and the people that work there are very like kind of cool. Yeah. Maybe a beanie. Yeah. You've got a, you've got a, a, a apron on with a leather strap. Yeah. The pastries look like a million dollars.