You Asked, I Answered: Don’t Blame Me for Delivering the Hard Truth

0:00Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

0:07Today, we're going to do something a little bit different, and I have a feeling it's going to become a favorite of yours and mine. And what are we doing today? Well, we're going to answer your questions rapid fire. See, my team and friends and colleagues here are like, knock, knock, knock, Mel Robbins. Do you know how many questions have been backed up in the inbox? We need to take out a storage unit to store all of the questions that people have from deep, serious, light, funny, personal, too much information. So here's how we're going to do this. My friend and colleague who you've heard on this podcast, give it up for Amy McLean.

0:49Hi, everybody. Okay, Amy has some of the, I don't know, 900 pages of questions that you guys have submitted, and they range from advice to curiosities about me. I have no idea what she's going to ask me. What are we going to call this type of episode? A little bit of everything. A little bit of everything with Mel Robbins, and your burning questions answered, maybe, yeah, I don't know, something. Exactly. Okay. We're going to jump right in. Anything goes. Everything's on the table. And don't fucking blame me because you asked me. There you go. All right. Okay. First question is from Jeannie. And I'm not going to say anybody's last name because we're all on a first name basis here, right?

1:31Okay. Jeannie wants to know, Mel, when do I know when it's time to walk away from a friendship? When you're giving more than you're getting. and here's the thing friendships are a give and take and I think it's very important when you have a friendship that if your friend is going through a hard time that you are there for your friend that you understand that they are not capable of pouring back into you the way that you may need them to and part of friendship is showing up in hard times and so when I say that you know when a friendship is no longer worth it, when it's been a sustained feeling of you not getting back what you're putting in.

2:20It's no longer that somebody is going through postpartum depression or they're going through a divorce or a breakup or they're recovering from an illness and your role in the friendship in this moment is to be the strong one, to be the one checking in. It's a situation where it's just sustained. You're the one always making the effort. You're the one that is always asking about them. You're the one that is always making the plans. You're the one that is always reaching out, and you are not seeing that reciprocated. And the thing about friendship that we don't think about is not everybody's supposed to be in your life forever.

3:01And I don't know where we all got this idea that you have to be lifelong friends with everybody. You're not going to be because friendship is about energy exchange. It's about a vibe. It's about you and this person being in a place in your lives where you are able to kind of bring out the best in one another. You're able to support one another. You can laugh together. And sometimes those friendships are because of circumstance. It's because of where you live or where you work or who your kids are friends with or who your partner is friends with. And that's how you came to be. and I talked about this with my daughter a lot about a relationship that ended that sometimes your friendships or your relationships make a lot of sense when you share a container of college or a job or being of a certain relationship status or living in a certain place and what you'll find in life is when the container disappears oftentimes the binds that kept you in the friendship disappear as well.

4:12And that's normal. And it means you are meant to pour your energy into other friendships. And so you will know when a friendship is no longer worth investing in because you have been feeling this way for a while and you have checked in with said person and there is not something devastating or difficult going on with them such that they need your support. And here's the other thing. If you have a friend that's been down for a long ass time and you have been their support system and over the course of the years, you're not getting anything back or very little back, it's okay to pull back. It's okay to spend less energy.

5:01you're not abandoning them entirely but nobody said that your life had to be about pouring into other people and expecting nothing in return you get to spend your time and energy on relationships that lift you up that fulfill you and there's nothing selfish about it in fact i think it is life sustaining when you do that absolutely so you said you could pull back what does that look like? Like you don't answer their calls or their texts or what do you think that looks like for Jeannie? I think that that could look like only reaching out once every two weeks instead of once a week. It means not answering their texts the moment that they text you.

5:48It means not feeling obligated to invite them to the party that they're throwing. Like stop and think about, well, what are you getting in return for your effort? Because there is a reciprocal nature to friendships. Friendships are not one way. And what you often find in a relationship is when you stop putting in the effort, the relationship completely disappears. And what you come to realize is, holy shit, this actually wasn't a friendship. This was me chasing something. and this was me thinking that the relationship was something more than what this person thought it was. And the same is true in romantic relationships, that a lot of times when you let the person reveal who they really are, you stop chasing them, you realize, oh, I was just in a relationship with the possibility and the potential of who this person and what this could be.

6:44And the second I stopped living in a fantasy and I started pulling back the chase and I just started seeing how this person showed up, I realized, oh, shit. I've been in a fantasy land in this relationship for a long time pretending that it was something else. And that's a painful moment, but I'd rather you do that on your own than have somebody rip out the rug from underneath you because you were too scared or too stupid or too blind by your own fantasy or chasing or insecurity that you didn't wake up and drop the reins and realize you're the one putting in all the effort. Right. Makes a lot of sense.

7:24And here's the other thing. Everybody's busy. Like, I also feel like I've got a hundred people or more that I think are really awesome that I never see, that I don't have time to text. And guess what? They don't have time to text me either. And I feel like life has gotten so busy and people move a lot in modern life. It's not like it was when our parents or grandparents were around where everybody stayed in the same state or county. And so I also think you got to upgrade your definition of friendship in general to not have to mean that you have to be in constant contact with people. Some of my favorite people in the entire fucking world live the furthest away from me.

8:12I almost never see them. We don't text back and forth. We did not raise our kids together. And yet, if they needed me, I would be on a plane. Every time they call or they text once a year, whatever, I smile. And so also don't grip this friendship thing so tight because I think you have a lot more friends than you realize. You may not be spending time with them. And instead, you're pouring energy into people who are not giving it back to you. And that's when you got to pull in the let them theory. Just like stop chasing everybody. Stop pouring into things that don't give you energy back. And then when you stop doing it and you let the other person show up or not, now you know what you're dealing with.

9:00Awesome. Love that. Upgrade your friendship expectations. Next question from Natasha. And she says, Mel, how do I make decisions without all of the overthinking that goes along with it? I'm going to give you a simple tool. Use objectification and literally take somebody that you respect and ask yourself, what would so-and-so do? Love that. That's it. That's it. And here's what you're going to notice. If you were to say, well, what would Mel Robbins do? You can borrow confidence. You can borrow decisiveness from other people. You know, I am a very decisive person. if you feel a little like, ooh, if you know what I would do, here's the way I want you to think about that.

9:47That, ooh. Like insecurity? Like, I don't want to do that. That's just fear. That's just fear. Makes sense. Because you're picking a person that you respect, or you're picking a person who has what you want. And so when you ask yourself, what would so-and-so do? What would the rock do in this situation? What would my mentor do in this situation? If you get a little bristle when you get the answer, that's just your fear. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Boom. Go. I love that. So pick your person. Yep. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Boom. Boom. Go. And then all the overthinking, Natasha, out the window. All right. Neely says, how do you negotiate a salary as a woman with a male boss?

10:26Oh, you prove what you want. Most of us do not do our homework. And the homework that you're doing is typically the wrong homework. So typically what people do when they go in to negotiate some sort of salary increase is that you do a comparison of the job title in the area that you live. But that's not necessarily relevant to your employer. What's more relevant to your employer is you proving to your employer the amount of things and the contribution that you're making specifically to the bottom line and to the things that matter. Because if you can walk in armed with all the things that you're doing that impact the bottom line, with the problems that you've solved, what you've actually shown me is that you're invaluable.

11:15And what somebody else is paying somebody else with your title at another company is completely irrelevant to me as your boss. Because a lot of bosses feel not conflicted, but almost like, okay, if you want to go make that, go work there. Show me that you've earned that. And if you really start to pay attention and keep track of all the contributions you're making and the problems that you're solving and how that impacts the bottom line, now you're proving value. And you might be even worth more than what that salary analysis shows you. Nice. Awesome. Next question. What were your dreams, Mel, as a young girl?

11:58I really looked up to my dad, and he was a doctor, and I had a dream of being a doctor, and I'm going to like laugh when I say this, but I thought, okay, I'm going to be a doctor and cure cancer. That was my dream. I didn't do that. Okay. Yeah. You didn't do that yet. No. Well, I'm not planning on it. It doesn't call to me anymore. I think it was more of an admiration than a dream of my own. Yeah. Because if I were really to dig deep, I think what I really wanted to do was be a performer. Wow. I think it was the seeing artists on stage singing and acting and plays and that kind of stuff really brought me alive.

12:41Even if you went into church and there was a sermon that really stirred something in you, that's really, if I dig deep, I wanted to do something like that, but I didn't know what that meant. So I would just say, I really want to be a doctor. And all it took was freshman intro to, I think it was either biology or chemistry class. And I'm like, this ain't for me. No, thank you. Right. So it evolved from being a doctor to a performer. And then when did you know, like, this is what I want to do with my life? Oh, not that. No, I literally, I became a history and a film major. And I got a, they called it a certificate.

13:24I got a certificate in women's studies. So I was like a double major in American history and filmmaking. And I got a certificate in women's studies. And the other big thing that I did is I was a volunteer crisis intervention counselor. I would volunteer a couple times a month taking calls on a domestic violence hotline. Wow. Nice, Mel. Okay, so Trini says, hey, Mel, no question. I just wanted to let you know that you're my North Star. I love you, Mel. Oh, I love you, Trinity. All right. I love this, but we got to take a quick break and hear a word from our sponsors and we'll be right back.

14:10Hey, it's Mel and I am taking your questions rapid fire today. Ask me anything. Just don't bitch at me because you don't like the answer. All right, Amy, what's up next? Okay. So next question, how do you get people to go to therapy but refuse to say that they need it. So how do you get people to go to therapy when you know they need it and they refuse? Well, you can't make anybody do anything. But you can make it clear what your boundaries are. If somebody doesn't think they, quote, need therapy, then the first issue is that they don't understand what therapy's for. because everybody needs therapy in their life.

15:01Now, let me unpack that sentence. You don't need therapy. You need therapy in your life. What does that mean? Therapy is when you are engaged in a conversation about your life, about your thoughts, about your habits, about your hopes and dreams and your relationships and the obstacles and challenges that you're facing, that you're in a conversation about those things intentionally and you're doing it with a person that is objective, meaning they're not a friend and they're not a family member. And the most powerful thing about the relationship is that because they're objective and because they have some level of training, you're not responsible for their feelings.

15:59So this is the one person in your life. You don't have to worry about what they think or about what their feelings are about what you're discussing, you have another human being that is trained to listen to you and help you untangle the thoughts and the behaviors and the patterns and the things in your life that you want less of or that are making you unhappy and to amplify the things that are going well. And so I look at therapy as a luxury. I think it's a privilege and I believe it is something that every human being on the planet deserves. Just like when you go to an elementary school or middle school or high school and there's a school counselor.

16:45That is a resource that is there in order to help you be successful. And that's what I see about therapy. And so I would start to talk about therapy very differently because when you tell somebody they need to go to therapy, you're basically saying you're fucked up and you need to do something about it. And so that's confronting. Who wants to go to therapy when you feel like it must mean something's wrong with you? So to me, therapy is an incredible gift you give to yourself if you can afford it, if you have access to it. That's one thing. Second thing is that if somebody understood that a therapist or the right therapist could help them achieve goals and be more successful and happy in life, and you frame it around the change and the opportunity.

17:42That's more enticing, isn't it? Wouldn't you love to go to talk to somebody if you knew that it would make you feel better, if you knew it would make you feel more motivated and capable and courageous and confident? Wouldn't you love to talk to somebody who could help you strategize about how to deal with things at work, how to diffuse situations with your family? That's what you're doing there. It's not kind of that caricature that we all have in our minds where you're laying on a couch, staring at a ceiling, and somebody is taking notes and looking in a different direction as you blob on and on and on about the sob story that's your life.

18:17That is not what my therapy sessions are like, and that's not what therapy has to be. And so I think you could frame it differently. Now, one other thing. You tee it up like that, and then you got to use the let them theory again. Let them decide where they're going or not. Because you can't force somebody. You can't shame somebody. You can't drag them. If you're a parent, of course, you have agency over your kids, and you should. empower your kids to talk to a therapist if you think it would help but i'm talking adult to adult that said you got to let them make a decision but then you've got to let yourself express what you need it is 1000 your responsibility to say to somebody i'm worried about you i'm worried that you have depression.

19:15I can't handle this on my own. It is killing me to watch you struggle. And I need you to see a therapist. And I've found one. And I have made an appointment for you. It is your call if you're going to go or not. I've done the work. But I am asking you, because I am so worried about you, to go see this person and talk to them and get some support. if they say no now you can express a boundary i can't be in this relationship if you're not going to get help for your depression i will not stay married to you if you do not get help for your addiction i will have to end this if you cannot be sober and if you refuse to get help, I am very scared that you're not going to be successful.

20:14And I would love for you to be successful. How you go about it is yours. But if you're not going to address this, then I'm not going to stay. And that's on you. That's not manipulation. That's clear communication. See, what most of us do is we badger somebody to go to therapy, right? And then we get pissed off when they don't go or they go once and then they bark about the therapist. And then you know what we do? We never express a boundary. We just build up resentment. And then that resentment builds within us and we don't express it. It comes out in like barking and this and that and fighting and no longer having sex with the person and just being kind of angry and frustrated when this whole thing could have been fixed by you being a clear communicator.

21:01And sometimes a clear communicator means if you don't do X, then I'm not going to be in this relationship. That's what a boundary is. It's a clear line in the sand. There isn't a lot of gray in this area because most relationships die on the vine because of built up resentment. And the reason why resentments build up is because you're not fucking talking about the things you feel about. Absolutely. Did I go off track there? I think a lot of people are going to have stern conversations with their partners tonight after hearing that. I love that. And, you know, look, you don't have to be like, I'm out of here after 17 years of marriage because people don't pivot on a dime.

21:43But you can say, I'm worried about this. I'm giving you three months to deal with it. I want you to go to therapy. I've done the research. Here is the person. I am asking that you do. I did this with Chris. He was struggling with major depression for, I mean, turns out like seven years. Thank God he had healthy habits or the guy probably would have died from it. And by healthy habits, I meant waking up every morning, meditating every morning, going for a walk in the woods every morning, doing work that made him feel like he was doing something meaningful, writing in his journal every single day, talking to a therapist.

22:21But he did not want to face a depression diagnosis. And he felt that if he took medication, it would be week. And I was concerned that all of the fucking meditating was making the depression worse because he was isolated. And there is new research out that shows that too much meditation can make depression worse because you are sitting in your thoughts. And it was, in my opinion, making it worse for Chris. I had to finally, after two years of watching him get worse and worse, go, look, here's my boundary because what you're doing is not working. You need to go on the medication that the psychopharmacologist and our marriage counselor have both recommended and you need to take it for a fucking year.

23:12And if you can't do that, this marriage won't work because I can't sit here and watch you get worse and have you argue against the thing that the professionals are telling you to do. And he took the medication. And do I feel like I won? No. I feel like I expressed a boundary, and that freed me of any resentment and desire to control him, and it made me feel safe. and that medication gave him a ladder to climb out of the mental hole. And after a year, he went off it. And he's been great. And in the words of our therapist, the medication got him out of that spiral, which allowed the therapy we were doing to work.

24:06That makes sense. Makes a lot of sense. I really like dropped a bomb on that answer right there. So let me take a quick pause. You take a quick pause, collect yourself, and do not go anywhere because we've got a pile of your questions coming up and the next one could be yours. Stay with us. We'll be right back.

24:36Welcome back. It's your friend, Mal. I'm here with Amy. We are going rapid fire, boom, boom, boom, through your questions. We have an avalanche of them and we are swimming upstream. So Amy, hit me with the next one. Okay, next question from Sean. Mel, how do you initiate being vulnerable without word vomiting? So I guess Sean gets a little nervous and then tries to be vulnerable and then just spills all the beans. What's really cute about Sean's question is that Sean's trying to control being vulnerable. And Sean, as a fellow word vomiter, word vomiting is your form of vulnerability. Awesome. Okay, here we go from Deanna.

25:26She's asking you, Mel, what's your favorite swear word? Swear word? Swear word. Probably the F-bomb, I would think. I mean, like, as in, like, just a swear word? Yes. That's probably my favorite swear word. Like your all-time favorite thing to say. That's definitely the OG all-time favorite. Felt the naughtiest when you were a little kid, which meant I had the most excited attachment to it. And, but, you know, I have, like, kind of swear word sort of trash insults per season. You have one, too. You've been saying it recently. I'm going to steal from you. What is your swear insult for the season, Amy McGlynn?

26:11For the season of fall, my swear word is dickbag. Just some really enjoying saying that. I laugh every time you say it because you do this thing where you have, you do the, Amy, you need to understand, is a standup comedian. Like she does standup. You really do. you perform standup. I do. Yes. And so sometimes I feel when I'm working with you that you'll be having a conversation with yourself about something that will happen and you'll go, you dick bag. And I'm like, that is the greatest insult. I like, um, do show. I don't know that that's mine right now. Right. Well, I like, it sounds French.

26:53It does. If you say it really fast, it could be a last name, but you really know that it's your, your private, just favorite swear word for autumn. Yes, for autumn. Yes, for autumn. Okay. This listener says, Mel, you got to get me out of what I feel is a midlife crisis. What the hell happens after 40? Help! Everything happens after 40. Being older, getting the insecure comparison, confusing 20s out of the way, getting the ladder climbing, status chasing, keeping up with the Joneses 30s out of the way. When you start sliding into your 40s, you are wiser, you give less shits, you have more experience, you have moved through relationships, you have fucked up, you have failed, you have succeeded, you have regrets, you have so much time left.

27:56You, I mean, it's the best. I would not go back in time for fucking anything. You know how everybody says, oh, college, best four years of your life. No, they're not. They're the next four years of your life. I just love being the age that I am, which is 54. I actually like my 50s better than my 40s. And so here's the thing. It's not a midlife crisis. You have a midlife opportunity. You have a midlife freaking, like, and I hate calling it a do-over because you're not doing anything over, you're building from experience. Like you could pivot from anywhere from here. Think about the network that you have that you didn't have in your 20s.

28:37Think about how much more you know about life or relationships or any of it than you did in your 30s. Think about how much technology is advanced and how you could leverage all of that skillset and that wisdom and that bigger network that you have and all of the failures that you've had and utilize technology if you're willing to be curious enough to create something. Are you kidding me? We need to have a revolution, a wake-up moment on this planet that the best years of your life are as you get older. Awesome. I'm not buying into it. Don't buy into this midlife crisis bullshit. No. And if you're going to have that moment, let it fuel you.

29:23If you're that unhappy with what happened in the first part of your life and you're panic-stricken, that you're feeling halfway through this road trip we call life, fucking do something about it. I'm not going to talk you out of having a midlife crisis. I'm going to ask you, all right, so you're a little worried about where you are or where you're going. Fucking do something about it. Love it. All right. From Betsy. She says, how do I get my husband to get hearing aids? he acts like his deafness is my imagination. You've got to help Betsy out. I think, Betsy, there's a couple things you could do.

30:03Number one, you could have some fun with it, right? Yeah, you could. You could plan a weekend away where you're going to go do something that you love to do. Like, for example, my dad wears hearing aids now, and my parents love to go up to the casino in Central Michigan and go gambling like for an afternoon. That's what they will do on an afternoon. They'll drive up to the casino. My mom will play the slots. My dad will play a couple of hands of blackjack. They'll go out for a nice lunch and they come home. And so you could plan something that is like meant to be like that. And then on the way home, you're like, oh, and I have another surprise.