2 Simple Ways to Improve Your Relationships

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast.

0:30show this and present to people who have never listened to it before, which allows us to grow and allows you to be able to help somebody else find it as well. So if you do that, I would greatly appreciate it. Today, we're going to be talking about how to overcome your fear of rejection. And there's one thing that I realized after coaching people for going on 18 years now is that one of the main things that people are afraid of is being rejected by other people, whether that be in a business sense, whether that be in a relationship sense, whether that be, you know, just seeing somebody and saying, Hey, can, do you want to go do this thing?

1:04And they say no. And it's like, there's a little bit of fear of rejection that we all kind of have in us. And the thing that you have to understand about being a human is that we all will be rejected at some point in time in our lives. Many, many times. There's really no way around it. The only way around it is really just, uh, not coming in contact with any people at all. And that could be a job application you get rejected. It could be a scholarship. It could be asking someone out. It could be asking for an order when you're a salesperson. And let's face it, if we're being honest, rejection can hurt if we're looking at rejection through the wrong lens, because everything in life is about your perception.

1:42And so if we're perceiving this in the wrong way, which I've done many times in my life, trust me, then we really start to see it the wrong way. And we're not actually looking at what could be the benefits of rejection. You know, if you look at it the wrong way, it can bring up a lot of feelings of worthlessness, of doubt in ourselves, doubt in our path. It could bring up the feeling of loneliness or what if this person says no to me and I'm alone forever. It can bring up a lot of feelings and it's really, whenever you find something that you're afraid of, that's really something that's a portal that you need to try to step through, a door that you need to open to discover more about yourself.

2:18And if you run from it, you're going to lose all of the lessons that come from it. But what if we could see rejections in a little bit different light? What if instead of letting rejection bring us down, we could actually use our rejection whenever we do have them as an opportunity to grow and as an opportunity to learn? Well, that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about the power of no, the power of hearing no from other people. But before I dive into that, what I really want to talk about is like the thing that I always think when someone's dealing with something, And I always say, why, why does this exist?

2:50And what I want to talk about is why does rejection hurt so much? Like, why are we so afraid of it? Well, you know, if you go back to hunter and gatherer days or caveman days or whatever they used to be back then, we were tribal people. You hear me say this in the podcast, at least once a month, we were tribal beings, which meant that if we were rejected and we were kicked out of the tribe, we were going to die. There's no way around it. But today, rejection doesn't mean death. We want to be accepted is what it comes down to. We just want it. It's not that we need to be accepted. But the other thing about rejection is it can also bring in the feelings of loss.

3:24Like you were really excited about getting that house and you ended up putting an offer on the house and you didn't get it. And now you feel like you lost the house. You feel like there's a lack that's inside of you. Or you apply for a job and you go through the process and you're excited about it. You're excited about making more money, getting a raise, all of that. And then you don't get it. So you feel like you lost what you would have had. It could also feel the feeling of loss with that relationship that you wanted to get into, that raise that you applied for, all of that. And really what it does, what our fears, what our insecurities, what our self-limiting beliefs do whenever they come onto the surface and we notice them is it shines a light on one of our biggest insecurities.

4:05One of the biggest insecurities with humans and that I've noticed from coaching thousands of people is the feeling of unworthiness, the feeling of I am not enough. I am not worthy. I'm not worthy of praise. I'm not worthy of love. And if I'm not worthy, then I won't be loved. And if I'm not loved, then I could be alone forever. And really, that's what I think our deepest seated fear is, is that, you know, we won't be accepted for some reason. And if we're not accepted, we won't be loved and we won't be able to feel the love that we're really searching for. Most people though, what's really, really interesting.

4:38And this will be for another episode, but most people, we look to other people for our self-worth. So really what's happening is I'm looking to you to reflect back to me that I am worthy of love or that I'm worthy of being accepted or I'm worthy of whatever it might be. So we look to other people. We look outside of ourselves for our own self-worth in a lot of ways. And when we're rejected, that makes us feel worthless. It can lower our self-worth if we're looking in the wrong direction. And what you're actually searching for from other people, that love, that acceptance that you're searching for from other people, in all honesty, is actually what you're searching for from yourself.

5:24But that's for a completely different episode. We're not diving into it in this episode. I just want to kind of plant that seed for you. What you're searching for from other people, to be love to be accepted. All of that is actually what you're searching for in yourself. If you get it from yourself, you don't need it from anybody. But we'll dive into that another time. But really what it comes down to when we go back to the feeling of rejection, as many of us have internalized the belief that our worth is tied to our achievements and how much money we make and the things that we can put after our name that say that we got a piece of paper from a college.

5:57and when we don't reach our goals, we don't get the achievements that we want, it can make us feel like we're not good enough because we have been trained through society in a lot of ways. I can definitely attest this for myself and you know some people that aren't competitive, they might not feel this as much but for me, very competitive person, very driven person, I have internalized and many of us internalize the belief that our self-worth is tied to our achievements and who we become. So in order for us to feel worthy, we have to achieve not which which means if we don't achieve, we don't feel worthy.

6:29And when we don't reach those goals, we can feel like we're not worthy. We can feel like we're not enough. And so really that's the thing that we're afraid of. So if that's the case, what do we do instead? So what do we do? You know, not take action so that we don't feel those feelings. You know, if we think about that, we will do anything except feel what we are afraid of feeling. And so if we're like, okay, I don't want to feel the feeling of rejection. I don't want to feel a feeling of unworthiness. So I'm going to take no action so that I don't come in contact with those feelings. I'm going to take no action so that there's no spotlight shined on the fact that I don't think I'm worthy or that I'm unlovable or that I don't feel like I'm good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or whatever it is that's holding you back.

7:16And what's funny is we will keep ourselves busy doing anything except what we need to do to move further down our path so that we don't come in contact with our rejection. I have worked with so many business owners over years, and it is mind boggling to me how many other things that they will do except for the thing that they need to do. And so they know that they need to knock on some doors or make some cold calls or whatever it might be to grow their business and bring in revenue. They will distract themselves completely doing other things that are not as important, that are not revenue generating activities, so that they don't put themselves out there so that they don't possibly get rejected.

7:59It's pretty wild. And then what happens? The business fails. Why? Because of the mindset of the business owner. I have found that 99 % of failed businesses come from the actual mindset of the business owner. So before we dive into the benefits of rejection, though, it's important to really note when we talk about this type of stuff, what we're getting rejected for. So for instance, if we go back to the example of a business owner, or we go back to the example of a salesperson. When I was younger and I first started in sales, when I was 19, started training people when I was 20, I trained over 2 ,000 sales reps, salespeople by the time I was 24.

8:35So in four years, I trained over 2 ,000 sales reps. Almost everyone struggles with making sales calls. It's the funniest thing. 99.9 % of sales reps struggle with making phone calls. not because of rejection specifically, but because we feel like we are getting rejected as a human. And so this is really important if you're a salesperson, if you're in business, you're trying to climb the corporate ladder, whatever it might be, then put yourself out there and get products sold or upgrade your customers and try to get them something sold on the backend and have them ascend in whatever it is you're trying to do.

9:12but we feel like if somebody says no to our business proposal, they're saying no to us. We feel like rejection is we are getting rejected when in business, the reality is they're just saying no to your business proposal. They're saying, no, I don't want your product. Why does it hurt? Because we internalize that and think that they're saying no to us. That's just a no in the sales process. They're not saying, no, you suck. I hate you. You're a terrible human. they're just saying no to buying your product. But we sit there and go, no, that's so sad. Somebody said no to me. And then we start to create an entire story in our head of, well, I must not be good at this.

9:50I must not be as good as John. He's such a better salesperson. And maybe I wasn't meant to do this. Maybe I should go back to being an engineer and not being a salesperson. Maybe I don't have the mindset or the drive to do this. And we created a whole internal story when all the person did was say, I don't want to buy your stuff. right? But we change and we morph it to think that we're not good enough. So what do we do? We avoid it. I've trained many, many, many salespeople and worked with many, many business owners. And this is a core thing that holds them back. They're afraid to get rejected because they hear no to a business proposal.

10:23And then they internalize it, creating a whole story in their own head about how they're not good enough, not smart enough, whatever it might be. When in reality, the person said, I don't want to buy your things. That's it. But there's really a whole lot of benefits to getting a no. You know, there's many benefits to being rejected. First off, it gets us out of our comfort zone. You know, we, we felt the feelings of fear. I did not want to make that cold call. I did not want to make that, you know, walk up to that person and ask them out. We feel the feelings of fear and we say, you know what?

10:53I'm going to do it anyways. Like that alone puts us out of our comfort zone. That alone is a positive. Whether they say yes, whether they say no, whether they buy from you, whether they say they want to go on a date with you or not, those things, just putting yourself out of that comfort zone and doing it anyways is a really big positive. And the thing that I want you to understand about it is this, is I've been working on my fears and my limiting beliefs for a long time. I've been trying to help people work with them for a long time. They never actually go away. Like someone asked me the other day, they said, what's the secret to overcoming fears?

11:25It's funny with running a podcast called the Mindset Mentor, because everyone's always looking like, what's the tips and tricks and the shortcuts and the secrets. And there's really not any, you know, when you look at what's the secret to overcoming fear, fears, and all of that, there is no magic pill. Your fears are always going to be there. You just have to learn to feel the fear and do it anyways. Now, as a, when you do go on the personal development journey, your fear might right now be at a eight or a nine. Then you work on yourself for a year, two years, three years, you invest time, money, energy into growing yourself, books, courses, whatever it is it might be to help you grow.

12:00And it takes it from a nine or, you know, an eight, a nine to maybe like a two or three, it's still there. It's just not screaming at you anymore, but you learn, you know what? I'm going to have to just feel this fear and do it anyways. You know, I wrote an entire chapter on fear and how to work through fears in my book, level up. So if you want to learn more about overcoming and working through your fears, you can definitely read that. I guess you'll go much more in depth on it. But if you never get rejected, you never leave your comfort zone and you're destined to have the exact same life that you currently have.

12:31Because if you don't leave your comfort zone, everything's going to stay the same. So if you're like, I want to avoid rejection, you will never leave your comfort zone, which means that your destiny is to have the exact same life that you currently have. And it might be okay, but I'm guessing if you listen to this podcast, you probably want things to be a little bit better. So that's not really what you're working for. And if we never hear the word no, it could mean that we're not taking enough risks. And it's, you know, it could say that you're not taking enough risks or maybe you're just not talented or lucky.

13:02And so you can try to say, Hey, how can I get more talented? How can I get more lucky? But you know, if you don't put yourself out there and risk, it's like the, one of my favorite quotes is when you risk nothing, you risk everything. If you risk nothing in your life, you risk everything in your life. You risk the potential that you have inside of you, who you could become, the life that you could have, the, the, the fun and the joy and the happiness and the money that you can make and all of that, and the place that you could travel to and the way that you can impact the world. When you don't take any risks and you stay in the same fucking place that you've been in for so long, you risk everything in your life because you risk just staying the same.

13:43And that's not what you want. And so you've got to start to understand that. Like one of the things that I love about rejection. There was a guy years ago that I saw, and I remember, I love this guy. He's like a really shy man. And he was 30 years old. He had just celebrated his 30th birthday. And he had this idea, he'd spoken with his therapist of something called rejection therapy. And he said, for a hundred days, I'm going to try to be rejected by asking somebody for something outlandish every single day. And so he filmed it. He blogged it back when blogging was like a real big thing. And you know, he did some crazy things.

14:14Like he, he would do some crazy things and they're not some super crazy things. Like I know he asked for a burger refill at a burger joint. So he bought a burger and then he went back up and he said, Hey, I just finished my burger. Can I get a, I just finished my burger. Can I get a burger refill? And they're like, yeah, no, we don't do that. You know, he asked his dog groomer where he took his dog to cut his hair like a German shepherd. Like now, yeah, we don't really do that. He walked into a random Superbowl party with chips asking if he could join their party and he got rejected a lot. But what was really crazy for him is he was putting himself out of his comfort zone every single day, but he was so surprised by how many times people said yes.

14:51You know, like he knocked on a random person's door and there's videos all over the place of this. He knocked on a random person's door and asked if he could just play soccer in their backyard. And the guy's like, yeah, come on in. Like he didn't have children with him. He was by himself with a soccer ball and just said, hey, can I just play soccer in your backyard? And the guy's like, yeah, go ahead. I don't care. Right. He asked the police officer if he could drive his car and pretend to be a cop. And he said, yeah, just go ahead, go for it. He asked the flight attendant when he was on his flight if he could read the safety announcement.

15:20And she said yes. He went into a donut shop and he was like, hey, is it possible that you could take five donuts, like just normal glazed donuts, and you could link them together to look like the Olympic symbol? And then they did it. They colored them. They made it literally an Olympic symbol made out of donuts. and then they were like, hey, we'll just give you two of these. We'll just give these to you for free because that was so much fun. You know, because our job can be boring. Sometimes it made it fun for us. They gave him the donuts for free and he was just blown away by how kind people were.

15:51And one thing that he said that I really loved is when you open up to the world, the world will open up to you. So many times we're so afraid of being rejected that we close ourself off to the world. We close ourself off from all of the amazing opportunities, people, places, things that's out there for us that we could come in contact with and be able to open ourself up to the world. And when we open ourself up to the world, the world will open up to us. When you look at people who look at rejection, say, I'm not going to stop. I'm just going to keep on going. People like C.S. Lewis, he was rejected 800 times before he got a yes for his first manuscript.

16:26Had he given up there, he would have never created the Chronicles of Narnia. And I had to fact check that because I was like, let me make sure that's a lot of times to be rejected. 800 times before he got a yes. Ended up finally getting yes. So when we look at the benefits of no, there's a few benefits of getting no. First off, we can use rejection as a feedback mechanism. We can learn how we might need to improve. I remember my very first, back in 2015, my very first podcast negative review on Apple Podcasts. And I read it and it was some lady and I remember reading it. and she said, uh, for a quote unquote motivational speaker, this guy has one of the most unmotivating voices I've ever heard.

17:11And the first thing popped in my head was screw her. She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about. She's not living my life. And I got, I got real pissed. And I took a step back and I was like, huh, let me think about this for a second. Okay. People can't see me on a podcast. They can't, you know, notice my body language and all of that. So if they're just listening to my voice, you know what? Maybe I need to emphasize things a little bit more. Maybe I need to get a little bit better, not just be so monotone. And so my first negative comment pissed me off. And I looked at it. I was like, hmm, that's actually really good feedback.

17:43I should work on that. You know, so there's some very positive feedback that can come in my ear and just go out the other side, right? We all have that. We hear no positive feedback. Oh, yeah, no big deal. And then we hear no, or we get rejected. And that's the thing that we kind of stay on, right? And so we can find how we might need to adjust sometimes when we get rejected. When we hear no, when we feel like we're being pushed away from something. We can also use rejections as a chance to reassess our goals and make sure we're on the right path. Okay, I got rejected. Maybe, let me just see, is it possible that I'm on the wrong path?

18:18Maybe God or the universe or whatever it is just trying to nudge me into a little bit different of a direction. I'm not going to change my direction out of fear, but I'm going to ask myself, is this really what I should be doing? Are we really pursuing what matters to us? Or are we just chasing after something that doesn't really align with our values and our passions? Are we just going for money? Are we going for our true passion? And so rejections can be a wake up call to make sure that we're not settling for something that doesn't truly make us happy. Another way to turn rejection into a positive is to use it as a motivator.

18:46When we're rejected, it can be tempting to give up, to throw in the towel. But instead of giving up, we can use it as fuel to motivate us to work harder, improve ourselves. One of the things that I love doing is I love having a chip on my shoulder. Oh, I didn't get that. Oh, somebody beat me. Oh, I didn't win that award. Oh, I wasn't invited to this thing. Fuck it. I'm going to make sure that they know who I am. Right? It's like the phrase, I think it was Steve Martin says, be so good they can't ignore you. All right. Let's see if we can use it that way. Because, you know, rejection can be a tough pill to swallow, but can also be a really great opportunity to learn from our stakes and to come back even stronger.

19:21and we can use the rejection to use up a way to build our resilience. You know, when you're in sales, you hear no all the time. You just start getting used to it after a few years. And so you get really resilient. That's why sales is such a high paying job is because so many people are afraid of hearing no. And so when we have setbacks, we have failures. It's really easy to get discouraged and to lose faith in ourselves. But instead of doing that, we can use those rejections and say, you know what? I'm going to use this as a chance to develop my resilience and learn how to bounce back in tough times.

19:50And by learning how to handle rejection and the setbacks, we can become more resilient to everything that we do and better equipped to handle challenges that might come to us in the future. And so really what it comes down to is rejection can be looked at as a bad thing. It depends on the lens that you're looking through, or it could be looked at as a good thing that can actually help us get better. So the next time that you get rejected, don't let it get you down. Use it as a chance to grow. Use it a chance to learn, to find new opportunities. Remember that with every no, you're just one step closer to a yes.

20:18And who knows that yes could be the yes that absolutely changed your life. So don't let rejection hold you back, embrace it, learn from it and use it as a way to grow and improve. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories, tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And also if you're out there, you love this podcast and you live in the United States or Canada and you want to receive inspirational messages directly to your phone through text messages from me, go ahead and text me right now. 512-580-9305. Once again, 512-580-9305.

20:52And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way. I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission. Make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.