4 Steps To Become a Great Communicator

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor, give us a rating or review however you listen to us. The more positive ratings and reviews that we get, the more that those platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts present this podcast to people who have never heard of it before, which allows us to be seen, which allows us to be discovered and hopefully impact more people's lives. So if you would do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it.

0:36Today, we're gonna be talking about four steps to becoming a master communicator. There's one thing that you can't run from as a human. If you deal with other humans, you're going to have to communicate with them in some sort of way. And for me, this is something that I realized when I was younger. I was a very shy kid. And for me, as an introvert, I can push myself now to be extroverted at times. But when I was younger, I was young and I didn't really know how to communicate and I was shy and I was afraid of talking to other people. and I didn't have my first girlfriend until I was in eighth grade.

1:11And I remember being in eighth grade, not having a girlfriend and realizing I need to stop being so shy and I need to learn how to talk to people if I ever want to have a girlfriend. And so for me, I hated speaking up and raising my hand in school and I hated being in front of people. Public speaking just terrified me. And then when I was 19, I started into a company that forced me to get on stage. But within four months of being in the company, they just basically said, hey, go on stage and present. And you're going to be on stage tonight, just go ahead and talk. And I had to speak from stage and learn how to speak from stage.

1:47And they gave us training of how to go and speak from stage. I remember the hardest part of training from speaking from stage was that I'd be 19, 20 years old in front of 40 of my friends who are also going through this management training with me. and anytime you said a filler word like um or uh everybody was trained to go um uh like immediately after you say it and so they forced you to get on stage they forced you to get better and they forced us to you know as we open up our office in the company to be on stage whether that be three people or a hundred people for basically six hours a day for five years and so i studied communication, I read books, and I watched people.

2:30And what I'm going to go over with you today is just the four major pillars to communication and to being a master communicator, not just in public speaking, but just interacting with people. And by incorporating these into your daily interactions, you will experience much more meaningful and richer conversations and connections with other people. And the fourth one's probably going to surprise you quite a bit. So let's dive into it. Number one is to understand and master nonverbal communication. That is speaking without words. Research suggests that about 55 % of all communication is nonverbal.

3:08There's a study that's done in the 1960s that discovered that 7 % of what you say in the way that you communicate is words. 38 % of what you say in the way you communicate is your tonality. and 55 % of what you say and how you say it is your body language. Stuff like head knots, the shoulders being squared up, if your arms are crossed, if you're leaning back, if you're leaning forward. And so to be honest with you, women tend to be way better than this than men do. And I realized that when I was younger and I asked one of my very first mentors. He was a really, really good developer of people, but he had in the company I was in, had tens of thousands of sales reps and employees, he was the number one developer of females.

3:56And I asked him, what do I need to do to understand how to communicate more effectively with females and be able to develop them in my office? The first thing he said is, read the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, so that you can understand that men and women are completely different in the way that they communicate, in the way that they think, in the way that they speak to each other. And one of the things that I realized as I was starting to do research on the difference between men versus women, and especially the way we communicate, is even from childhood, boys often engage in activities where they're side by side.

4:31So like playing a video game or participating in sports, their conversations usually occur within the context of being next to each other side by side. The thought of this is that they think that it goes back to the days of hunting. When you're hunting and they're hunter and gatherers, there's no real reason if you're out on a hunt to be looking at each other. So you want to be looking, you know, side to side or maybe back to back. And so they think that, you know, if they were looking at each other, they could have missed an animal and not seen the animal or been killed in some sort of way. And so I think over time, males maybe just developed communication and getting used to communicating without looking at each other or squaring up shoulders.

5:12On the other hand, And from very young age, girls tend to form more intimate, small groups and face-to-face conversations when they're talking to each other. This is usually why they're better with body language and showing that they're listening in some sort of way. Women, you know, if you've ever complained to your guy that he's not listening to you and he's like, what are you talking about? I heard everything. He might have heard it, but probably didn't get the visual cues that you're used to getting from other people that shows that he's actually listening. Guys, if you've ever been in the situation where you've had your girlfriend or your wife be like, you're not listening to me.

5:50You're like, well, I just heard everything that you said. And so we need to be conscious of our body language when we're in communication with other people. And we need to maintain an open posture. We need to avoid crossing our arms or our legs because unconsciously when someone, we're in a conversation with someone, they have their arms crossed, it appears like they're closed off or appears that they're defensive. When we're in a conversation, we want to show and convey that we're interested and we're engaged. Lean slightly forward just a little bit. Maintain appropriate eye contact. Don't look over the person's shoulder or look away from them.

6:25When you're looking them directly in the eyes, it demonstrates confidence in yourself and attentiveness to what they're saying. And then also watch for nonverbal cues with other people. recognize when someone is becoming disinterested, like looking at their watch or uncomfortable because maybe they're shifting their way back and forth. And when you can start to notice other people's nonverbals, it makes you seem like a better communicator because you're able to tend to what their nonverbals are showing you. And so you want to be really attuned to other people's nonverbal signals that can help you adjust your approach real time to make sure that you're communicating as effectively as possible, but also the person that you're in a communication with feels like they're being heard as much as possible.

7:06So that's the first thing is your body language. The second thing is your tonality. So regulate your tone in your pitch. So if you have a calm, steady tone with somebody when there's escalated moments, it can de-escalate tensions. And if you're in a fun conversation with somebody, the tonalities will be varied. They'll go up and down. You know, 38 % of communication is tonality. And let me give you a good example. this is one of my favorite examples when we talk about tonality. So I'm just going to tell you a sentence and the sentence is, I didn't say she stole my money. That's it. I didn't say she stole my money.

7:44What I'm going to do is I'm going to go through each word and I'm going to emphasize each word and show you just how changing the emphasis on each word changes it completely. And this will show you why it is so important to have tonality. So I didn't say she stole my money. Implication, you know, not really sure there. But if we say, okay, I didn't say that she stole my money. The implication is someone else said it, but not me. If I say I didn't say she stole my money, the implication is I'm denying the claim or the accusation that she said she stole my money. I didn't say she stole my money.

8:27I might have hinted or I might have written it down, but I didn't verbally communicate it. I didn't say she stole my money. I'm not accusing her specifically, but somebody else. I didn't say she stole my money. Maybe she borrowed it. Maybe she found it, but I didn't say she stole it. I didn't say she stole my money. I basically said she stole money, but I didn't necessarily say it was my money that she stole. I didn't say she stole my money, she might have taken something else of mine, but it wasn't necessarily my money. And so the sentence completely changes and shifts as my tonality and word emphasis changes.

9:11And we will be right back. And now back to the show. And so we want to make sure that we get really good at our tonality. And this is something that I realized when I first started my podcast in a bad way, I guess you could say. I put out the podcast, the first 10, 15 episodes, whatever it was. And I went back and I looked at the reviews that I had on Apple Podcasts. And one of the reviews was something along the lines, this lady said, for a motivational podcast, this guy has the most unmotivating voice. And I thought to myself, this motherfucker, like I was just, I got pissed. And then I just took a step back and I thought about it.

9:53I was like, huh, maybe she's got a point. And the reason why is because people who are listening to my podcast, they can't see me. They can't see my body language. They can't notice the way that I'm speaking or the emphasis or my arms moving around. They only hear the words that I'm saying and the tonality that I'm using. So maybe I need to learn to speak with more emphasis so that therefore people can get the point a little bit better. And so that's the importance of making sure that we're paying attention to our tonality when we're speaking with other people. The third thing is to try to be more concise when you're speaking.

10:34Less is more. I don't know if you guys know somebody like this. I have a really good friend who I have to talk whenever he's talking and he's going on and on. I have to do this hand movement with my hand and act like a plane that's landing. And because we've been friends for so long that I'm basically telling him, land the plane, which means get to the point because you're just talking in circles and you're there's I'm lost is basically what it is. And so you want to get better at being concise in a world that's really bombarded with information. Being clear and concise is really, really important.

11:07If you use big words and complex thoughts, there's been studies that have found that people actually think that you are less intelligent when they're listening to you. If you use big words and complex thoughts, which is interesting because you would think, oh, I'm using big words. My vocabulary is so amazing. But that's not the case. Einstein said, if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough. And I remember having a conversation with my friend who uses really big words and complex thoughts. And I was like, hey man, like when you're speaking on stage, do you have to speak that way?

11:42And he's like, well, this is just the way that I speak. And I asked him a question. I said, are you speaking from stage so that the audience can hear how smart you are or so the audience can understand what you're trying to convey? And he was like, oh my God, I've never thought of that before. And so since then, he's become a very clear and articulate communicator because he was trying to convey how smart he was by his huge vocabulary. And so there was a study, one of my favorite study titles ever, that was done by Daniel Oppenheimer that was titled, Consequences of Erudite Venacular utilize introspective of necessity problems with using long words needlessly.

12:22The title, humorously, reflects the study's theme. Basically what Oppenheimer did was he found that when content is made more complex unnecessarily, readers and listeners rate the author or the speaker as less intelligent. On the other side of that, when content is very clear, straightforward, or the communicator is often viewed as more intelligent. So don't use big words. Don't talk forever about something. Realize that if you can convey something in a very clear and concise way, as simply as possible, people actually view you as a more intelligent communicator. I remember years ago, one of the things that people say is that they love about the podcast.

13:05They love how clear and concise it is and how I'll give a whole lot of information in a very short period of time. And I just like get to the freaking point. And one of the reasons why is because I remember years ago, I read an article that says that the average American does not read above a seventh grade reading level. And so I thought to myself, I need to get better at saying, like taking these very complex topics like neurology and psychology and early childhood development, but speaking as clearly as possible. So hopefully as many people as possible can understand and be impacted by my words.

13:34And so being clear and concise helps the listener's understanding. So that's number three. And number four is to get better at being an active listener, which is listening to what the other person is saying. You might say, well, how does that make me a better communicator? One of the things that's really wild is that if somebody gets into a conversation with you and they feel like they've been listened to and you're giving them space to speak and to be heard, they almost always leave the conversation be like, oh my God, that was an incredible conversation. You know, it's like the phrase you've been given two ears and one mouth so that you should listen twice as much as you speak.

14:08Have you ever been in a conversation that is with someone and the whole time they're almost talking? And like I was saying just a second ago, they're talking and talking and talking. And then they're like, get it done. And they're like, man, this is a great conversation. You're like, I said like four words. Well, you will seem like an even better communicator when you listen better. So give up being interesting for being interested. Active listening requires your full engagement. Here's how you do it. Try to silence your inner dialogue and keep your focus on the speaker. Try to resist the urge to mentally formulate a response before they're done speaking.

14:46Just listen to them the entire time. And when they get done speaking, then you can decide how you're going to respond. Another thing you also want to do is acknowledge and validate them. Nod your head, maintain eye contact, provide small verbal affirmations and cues like, I see, I understand. Oh, what was that like? Ask them questions, you know, ask open-ended questions about it. Encourage them to elaborate so they talk about something. You say, okay, well, that's amazing. How did that make you feel? What do you think the next step should be? When you ask those, it makes it seem like you're in the conversation, you're paying attention, and it makes them feel seen and understood, which very few people in this world feel nowadays.

15:23You also want to reflect and summarize. Every so often, not always, obviously, it'd be real weird, paraphrase what you just heard. It shows that you're engaged in what they're doing, but you're like, oh, man, that's crazy. So she said X, Y, Z to her. Another thing to challenge yourself with is to give a couple seconds after they stop speaking before you respond. Lots of times people will start talking again and they'll go deeper into their story. They don't always give everything the first time. So my very first coach used to always challenge me with this is he would say, okay, when someone gets finished speaking and you're in a conversation with them or they are a prospect of yours and you're a sales rep, when they get done speaking, in your head go, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and then respond.

16:08Usually that three second gap, somebody will want to fill that space and they'll start speaking more and they'll start telling you even more and go deeper into their conversation of what they were telling you about. Also, active listening, it really fosters trust and rapport with the other person. And it allows them to feel like they can be more open. They can give more honest feedback and tell you the truth around stuff. And people tend to just trust people who listen to them. And just remember this, people want to be seen and they want to be heard. And all too often, most people in the world are just trying to say what they want to say.

16:44And so if you really want to be a better communicator, take these four different things, these four different steps that you can use. Number one is pay attention to your nonverbal communication like your body language. Number two is pay attention to your tonality. Number three is be as clear and concise as you possibly can because less is more. Number four, really start to work on active listening. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And with that, I'm going to leave it the same way, leave you every episode, make it your mission, make someone else's day better.

17:18I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.