6 Ways to Protect Your Peace Without Cutting Everyone Off

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1:28Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn and grow and improve yourself. So if that's what you want to do, subscribe to us so you never miss another episode. Today, I want to talk about six different ways to protect your peace without cutting everyone in your life off. Because think about it. How many times have you said, I just need to cut people off to protect my peace. But deep down, like you don't actually want to lose people in your life.

2:03The truth in that situation is you don't necessarily need fewer people or to cut people out fully. You need better boundaries. You need better internal awareness. You need better internal control. Because if you don't fix your own internal patterns, you'll cut people off and then you'll recreate those exact same dynamics with new people. So today I just want to show you how to protect your peace without burning all of the bridges around you and your entire life down. So let's dive into it. Number one is you need to stop explaining yourself to people who cannot understand you. I want to go deeper than just the, hey, stop explaining yourself to people.

2:44Some people are not misunderstanding you, but they're actually incapable of understanding you at their current level of perception. their current level of wisdom or enlightenment or whatever it is you want to call it. Because every human sees reality through their own perceptual lens. And that lens is shaped by their entire life, their experiences, their childhood, their own personal emotional maturity, their beliefs about themselves and the world and other people, their own level of self-awareness. And so many people lack self-awareness. So when you're speaking at one level and they're listening from another level, they just don't actually hear and comprehend what you're saying.

3:33So it's kind of like you guys are speaking different languages. So what do they do? They translate it into something that fits their current identity. They translate what you're saying into what they can understand. So you have to understand they're doing the best that they can, but they just really might not be able to understand you. And so this is what I call perceptional ceilings. Everyone has a ceiling on what they can currently perceive, what they can understand, what they can integrate into their life. And no amount of explaining from your side will break through the ceiling of somebody and they haven't even outgrown that ceiling yet.

4:15And so like most people, they think, well, I just need to explain better. Or if I say it the right way, maybe they'll get what I'm saying. Or maybe I should just give more context. And then they over-explain. But what you're really doing is usually trying to force clarity where their capacity just doesn't even truly exist. And so then you start over-explaining because you want to be seen and you want to be heard. And over-explaining becomes a form of us seeking validation. or trying to control other people's perception of us or trying to be seen correctly. But the truth is you cannot be fully seen by someone who has not developed the ability to see at that level.

4:59And so instead of asking, how do I make them understand me? We need to ask, do they even have the capacity to understand me? And if the answer is no, then the conversation with them changes completely. And so your own internal peace will come when you realize not being understood by other people is not rejection. It might just be a difference of depth. Some people aren't misunderstanding you. They're just meeting you at the deepest level that they're capable of going. And sometimes you just gotta realize that and stop trying to be understood by people. Because honestly, not everyone will understand you and that is okay.

5:37It should not affect you at all if not everybody understands you. So that's number one. Number two is that if you want to have more peace, you need to protect your mornings like your life depends on it. Because it kind of does. Every day depends on what you do in the morning. Morning routines are great, but I don't want you to just think that it's a routine. Like something that you do to check off of a checklist because a book told you that you were supposed to do it. Your morning isn't just a routine. It's how you set your baseline for how you're going to feel throughout the day. Think of your brain like a prediction machine, right?

6:13The first 30 to 60 minutes of your day, you're setting emotional expectations. You're priming your nervous system. You're telling your brain, this is the world we live in. This is who we're going to be today. This is how we're going to act. This is who I'm going to be and how I'm going to show up. So if you just check your phone immediately, you absorb other people's energy and you jump into their chaos and the chaos of the world. so you're not starting your day you're basically inheriting somebody else's state so you have to protect your mornings like your life depends on it because it is this beautiful moment to prime yourself on who you're going to be for the entire day and like don't just protect your mornings physically like by making sure that you can't get a phone call or anything like that or making sure that you're you're time blocking and all that i also mean like really deeply like protect it cognitively.

7:08Ask yourself stuff like, what thoughts am I rehearsing? What emotional state am I going to practice today? Because you want to have as much repetition as you possibly can for who you're trying to be because that repetition will eventually equal your identity. The morning time should be your time to decide who you're going to be today. So if you don't choose your state first thing in the morning, the world will choose it for you. So that's number two. Number three, don't inherit other people's emotional states. This is a really big one. If you want more peace, most people think that they're being like, oh, I'm empathetic, but they're not.

7:44They're just emotionally permeable. And so you walk into a room and someone's stressed out and someone's anxious and now, oh shit, I'm carrying it with me. Why? Because your nervous system is trying to mirror and adapt and belong and be accepted. And I want you to understand this. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being empathetic. I think we all should be empathetic. Being empathetic and being an empath is fine, but don't say that you're an empath when you're really just not protecting your own state. You have to understand that saying you're an empath can make you a victim of other people's feelings and states.

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11:03Sign up for your$1 per month trial today at shopify.com slash dial. Go to shopify.com slash dial. That's shopify.com slash dial. And now back to the show. You should want to be the one in control of how you actually feel. And so this is what I call emotional contagion without conscious filtering. The truth of it is this. You can understand somebody and you can understand what they're going through without absorbing them, without absorbing their emotions or their negativity or their anger, you can feel for somebody and not take on their emotional state. That requires your own internal protection of your feelings, your emotions, and your boundaries as well.

11:49See, the other part of it, is that when you're attached to outcomes, like I need them to understand me, or this conversation needs to go well or they need to respond a certain way, you lose your peace instantly because now your internal state depends on their external behavior. So you want to walk into interactions with other people with the mindset of I'm going to show up fully, but I am not responsible for the outcome. I am not responsible for how this person feels, how this person acts. I'm not saying be an asshole to this person. I'm saying show up as the kindest, smartest, most open-hearted version of yourself, but don't take on whatever this person is going through.

12:34So you want to care deeply, but don't carry everything. Say it with me now. I am not responsible for how other people feel or react. Okay, so that's number three. Number four, stop trying to fix everyone. Let's be honest. A lot of people who are like quote unquote helpers are actually control seekers in disguise. So when you're trying to fix people, you're also really trying to reduce your own discomfort. You're trying to speed up their growth and you're trying to control uncertainty in some sort of way. This is actually called projection-based helping. You're not helping them. You're trying to resolve something inside of you so that you don't feel uncomfortable around them anymore.

13:22And so you have to just really get to understanding like people don't change because you tried to fix them. You get that, right? Like we don't actually change people. Like people change when their pain becomes louder than their patterns. When their pain of remaining the same is more painful than the pain of change. That is their decision. That is their actions. In fact, it is quite literally impossible for you to change another person. No one is strong enough to actually do that. So your new frame of mind should be like, can I allow them to be where they are and not lose myself? Can I just allow them to be where they are?

14:04Can I not lose myself? Can I not feel like I have to fix other people? Like you can love somebody deeply and still let them do their own work. In fact, that is one of the greatest forms of love that you can show somebody is to love them deeply and be there for them, but to allow them to do their own work. Okay. So that's number four. Number five, give yourself permission to outgrow certain dynamics. Like this one really hits for a lot of people because you're not like just outgrowing other people. What you're really doing is you're outgrowing versions of yourself within those relationships. Because it is same people and same conversations and same roles, but you're different now.

14:54And it feels a little bit off because of that. They didn't change. The relationship didn't change. The circumstances didn't change. You changed. And so this is called identity lag in relationships. Your internal identity has evolved. You have changed. You have become a different person in the same body, but the relationship is still operating from an old blueprint, an old identity that you have. And that causes identity dissonance. And so some people think like, ah, I just need to cut them off. Not necessarily. Just because you change doesn't mean that that person can't change in their relationship with you and the relationship can't change.

15:35You just need to stop playing the old role. Like you have evolved. So your role in the relationship needs to evolve as well. And like a lot of people in this world are fixers, or they are people pleasers, or they are the over explainer, or the one who is always accommodating other people. So when you evolve out of those roles, and you stop playing that role, the dynamic either has to evolve or it has to dissolve. And so whenever you change and you look at your relationships around you, you need to say to yourself, like, is this relationship going to evolve with me? Can this person like evolve with me?

16:13Or is this relationship just not going to go any further? Some people, most people will evolve with you. The relationship will evolve in some sort of way. Some people will fight, kick, and scream to try to keep you the same person. If that's the case, then maybe the relationship does need to dissolve. Your growth won't really change other people in your circle. It will always change you though. And when you change, your role in all of your relationships has to change as well. So that's number five. And number six, stop taking things so personally. Like this is very basic advice, but almost nobody goes deep enough with it, right?

16:51Most people are not reacting to you. in the world. They're reacting to their own internal world. They're reacting to their conditioning, to their stress, to their thoughts, to their insecurities, to their past experiences in their life. And this is what I call projection loops. Like people don't see you. They see their interpretation of you. And their interpretation comes from them projecting aspects of themselves and their beliefs and their lives onto you. The hard part about that is you can't do anything about that. It's them projecting their own beliefs and their own life, their own thoughts about themselves and the world on top of you.

17:37Something happens to you and you're like, oh, why did they do that to me? And you take it so personal. You need to ask yourself, what might be happening in that person's mind that created that behavior? I did a few years ago, I had somebody, actually, now that I'm thinking about it, a couple of people really kind of screw me over. And my wife was like, why are you not more like, why are you not more pissed at them? And I'm like, well, because I've just come to realize like through 20 years of working myself and working with other people, I've just come to realize that we're all just wounded children and adult bodies.

18:10And so I can't expect everyone to be perfect. I'm just seeing, okay, this person screwed me over. Well, that's because their level of perception, their level of growth is at that. Okay, that's the way it goes. It has nothing to do with me. I am not going to ever take on someone else's actions and place it on top of me and myself and my identity. And so your freedom and your peace will really come when you stop making everything that happens about your worth or lack thereof or about your value or about your identity. Like when you stop taking things so personally, you stop making everything about you.

18:50And then you realize people are just doing what they're doing. That's really what it comes down to. Like that's the, that's another like Matthew McConaughey phrase I could come up with. People are just doing what they're doing. That's it, right? You can remove yourself and your worth and your value from that. And when you do that, that's really where your peace is going to live. And so the truth I really want you to walk away with is you don't need to cut everybody off and become a hermit in order to protect your peace. You need to grow yourself and stop over-explaining and stop absorbing other people's feelings and emotions and stop trying to fix other people and stop trying to perform old roles that you've grown out of because your peace isn't created in controlling other people.

19:35Your peace is created when you have actually mastered yourself. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories. Tag me in at Rob Dial, Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day. Introducing Fidelity Trader Plus. With customizable tools and charts you can access across all your devices.

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