Do This to Change Your Beliefs: The Self Perception Theory

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there, you love this podcast, please do me a favor. Give us a rating and review however you listen to us. The more positive ratings and reviews that we get, the more that Spotify and Apple Podcasts and those platforms present this podcast to people who have never heard of it before, which allows the podcast to grow and impact more people's lives and hopefully change the world in some sort of way. Today, I'm going to be talking about how to change your beliefs about yourself and how when you change your beliefs about yourself, you'll actually change everything that you do in the world.

0:44And it's actually something that's called the self-perception theory. And so when you look at psychology, one of the biggest parts of psychology, like maybe step one and of self-improvement as well, is self-awareness. It's a key psychological thing that you need in order to start to work on yourself. Like you can't fix something that you're unaware of. And so there's this thing that's called the self-perception theory. And it was brought up by psychologist Daryl Byrne in 1972. And this theory basically says that we develop our abilities, our beliefs, and our feelings by observing our own behaviors and then come to a conclusion on what must have caused them.

1:29And so we basically look at what we do and then we jump to some sort of conclusion. And then from there we figure out who we are. And so with self-perception theory, at the heart of self-perception theory is this concept that is considered introspection, which another way of saying that is like self-observation. A lot of people are just mindlessly wandering through the world and just doing things and acting in certain ways and thinking in certain ways and having certain beliefs, but not actually observing the way that they're interacting with the world. So one of the key parts of this is taking yourself out of your own head, looking at yourself as if you're just another person and saying like, why is this person this way?

2:12Why do they act like that? Should they always be this way? If they want to create the life they want, should they change? A lot of times we do things, but we don't like sit around and think about why we do them. And we don't think about how it's affecting other people. Like I think that if everybody in this world had extreme self-awareness, the entire world would be better because we would start to think about why we are the way that we are, but also we'd be very aware of how we affect other people. And then we'd start to be very aware of, man, maybe I should change this so I don't keep affecting people this way.

2:48And so we don't a lot of times ask ourself, you know, is this this way that I am? Is this how I want to continue being? Do I want to change myself? a lot of times people just say like, oh, well, that's how I am. Like, that's just how I've always been. You know, that's just me. And that's not true. I want you to understand that how you are and what you think that you are is how you have chosen to be over your lifetime. Yes, you have chosen to believe it. You have unconsciously chosen it most likely, but it is a choice to show up and be the way that you are. And nothing in this world is set in stone.

3:26nothing everything is always changing if there's an aspect of your life that you don't like then get off your ass and change it if there's an aspect of yourself that you don't like then get off your ass and change it nothing is the way that it is forever the only constant in this world is change the entire universe is changing you are a part of the entire universe do you think you're the only thing? Your personality is the only thing that doesn't change and it's that way forever? That's insane. Everything in the universe is changing but you? No. And let me ask you, are you the same person that you were 15 years ago?

4:03No. If I think about myself at 23 years old, way different person than I am right now. There is no part of you that is the same. In fact, every single cell of your body, trillions of them are all different cells than they were just seven years ago, which means physically there is no part of you that exists that is the same, except the fact that you think and act the same. So if you want to stay the same, by all means, stay the same. But if you're listening to this podcast, it's not because you want to stay the same. It's because there's something that you want to change. So then how do we start to use this theory of psychology, the self-perception theory?

4:49Well, the thing about it is to do this. And I do this because it's something I've always done and I've always been intrigued by why am I the way that I am? Why are other people the way that they are? Is you need to go on this quest of observing yourself and meticulously paying attention to everything that you do and then just question everything about yourself and test the validity of every single thought. Now, mind you, is this a daunting task? Hell yeah, it is. But really, if you're going to change, you need to just pull everything up from the roots and start questioning it. And I always say, when you're in the jar, you can't read the label.

5:27So you've got to take yourself out of the jar. You've got to read the label and you got to say, who is this person? That's interesting. Why is this person this way? And put no emotion into observing yourself. because a lot of times we observe ourself, we see something we don't like, then we start to get emotional. We start to guilt ourself and shame ourself and all that stuff. No, no, no. Just look at it, no emotion, and just say like, why is this person this way? So this self-perception process, what it requires of you is reflection and requires insight. And what I always recommend with people, you don't have to be obsessed with journaling, but whenever you're trying to figure something out that is complex, like why are you the way that you are?

6:07Why do you act the way that you act, it is important to take out pen and paper and start to write it down. And so let's say that you have something happen with your spouse and it turns into an argument and you're sitting there and you're like, why did that just turn into an argument? You ever done that before? You're sitting there like, why? What the hell just happened? Right? It's like, take out a pen and paper and write it down. Like what the hell just happened? And then just start journaling it as if you have to describe it to somebody else who is not you. And then you just said like, why did I act that way?

6:38You know, why do I think that way? Why am I who I am? Like, why did I act that way? Why did I say that to her? Why did I blow up in that way? Why did she blow up on me? And you start to notice yourself and start to look at yourself as if you're just somebody who's observing and there's no judgment. It's just more than anything else, it's curiosity. And you just get really curious about yourself. You start asking yourself questions about yourself. Why am I this way? Why do I act this way? Do I actually believe this? Is this who I am? Does this sign up with the person that I want to be in my future?

7:16Yes or no? And then you start to look at it and you decide from there if you want to keep it or if you want to change it. And we will be right back. And now, back to the show. Do you want to keep the way that you're acting? Do you want to keep the way that you're thinking? Do you want to keep showing up in the world this way? Or do you want to change it? And if you want to keep it, then keep it. No big deal. If you want to change it, then you need to start actually making a plan of how you want to be and who you want to be. And this self-perception theory works because there's basically two psychological principles that are happening in this moment.

7:51So there's one thing that's called cognitive dissonance, which we'll talk about. And the other one is called inferential insight. And so cognitive dissonance is basically the state of tension that pops up within somebody when our behaviors conflict with our beliefs and our attitudes about ourselves. And so one of the things that's really interesting about humans is that we don't like to act differently than we think we are. It makes us feel really awkward. It makes us feel really uneasy. And so that's what cognitive dissonance is, which is, you know, I am who I am and that's just the way that I am.

8:25And you have this belief about yourself and then you act differently. And so what happens is if you believe that you are somebody, for instance, that has a short temper, well, then you're going to act that way. But if you sit there and you start getting really curious about, why do I have a short temper? Do I always want to be this way? I don't always want to be this way. In fact, I'm going to, from this moment on, not have a short temper. And you decide to flip that switch, which it is that easy to flip that switch of, I'm not going to be somebody who is like this. This is how my father was. And I don't want to be the same way with my children, the same way that my father was.

9:00I'm not going to have a short fuse anymore. I'm going to be calm. I'm going to be cool, collected. That is a commitment I make to myself, to my family, to my children. And you decide that's who you're going to want to be. Well, then if you start to act outside of what you decide, it's going to make you feel really awkward. That's what cognitive dissonance is. And it's going to make you want to click back into place of what you've decided who you are. I am not somebody who has a short temper. I am somebody who is calm, cool, collected, and I am going to go through this world without being angry, without blowing up on people, whatever it is.

9:36And so cognitive dissonance is a big piece of it. And there's this thing called inferential insight, which is our ability to basically derive meanings or conclusions from our observations. So then we see, okay, this is how I acted. We immediately go, well, that's who I am. And so something happens and the human brain always wants to come to some sort of conclusion as to how or why it happened. So something triggers you and being triggered is one of the best things that can happen because, and you've heard me talk about in multiple episodes, where you are triggered is where you learn who you are.

10:11And so you get triggered and then you calm yourself down and you start asking yourself these questions. When you become triggered, become interested. This is your moment to learn about yourself. Get interested. Get curious. Why did I become triggered? What was I thinking? What's behind all of it? And then you go through and you start to find your thoughts and you just question the validity of those thoughts. When you get into that and you start to actually get into this uncomfortable state of like, ooh, I don't like who I am. I don't want to be this way anymore. It makes you start to change your thoughts about yourself and your actions, your beliefs about yourself.

10:46And our beliefs are nothing more than something that you just learn along the way. okay, I always thought that I was angry, but really when I go back to childhood, like I can think of a client of mine who, who was just like, always said like, I just have an anger issue and I have an anger issue. And I was like, why do you think you have an anger issue? Well, because I always get angry quickly. Okay. Why though? Well, you know, like, but where did that come from? Well, you know, when I was a child, my, my parents used to always say you get angry so quickly. And I was like, oh, so your parents told you that you get angry so quickly.

11:19And then I said, hey I'm curious did either one of your parents have an anger issue yeah my dad had an anger issue okay so you're telling me that a child came into this world without an anger issue like there's no just everyone has obviously different personalities and stuff but there's no child that's just born angry but a child came into this world saw his father's anger issues learned that's how you react in this world and because he started acting this way well then his parents started saying well you would just have anger issues. No, no, no. And then so what happens is because that happened from childhood, he just becomes this person who quote unquote has an anger issue.

11:56He blows up at people. That's just the way that he is. Well, no, now we can start to think about that and challenge your beliefs and be like, maybe you don't have anger issues. Maybe you were just accidentally programmed to be that way. Do you want to be that way forever? You don't. Well, what do you need to do to change it? Our beliefs are nothing more than something that you learned along the way. You weren't born with anger issues. You weren't born with those beliefs. These are all things you've learned along the way. And if you learn something, you could also learn something else, which is learn what it's like to not have an anger issue.

12:30Learn what it's like to take a deep breath, to be calm, to let things not trigger you. If you learned one thing, you can learn the other thing. And it might not be even your own belief. A lot of times it's other people's beliefs. And so when you have this lens of self-perception theory, what you do is you start to find your own beliefs. You know, you find the beliefs that you quote unquote believe and then decide if they align with who you want to be or who you're becoming. And then find the actions that you need that do align with who you want to become. You know, you decide, do they align with who I want to be in the future?

13:05Do they align with who I'm becoming? And I understand like this right here is not easy. like this is we're talking about pulling everything up from the roots it takes a lot of time it takes a lot of tension intention to remove yourself from your own head your own stuff when you're triggered but if you can do this you can change yourself extremely quickly and so the reason why this works is because our own self-perception plays a really critical role in our personal narrative of what we think of ourself what we think of the world what's going on inside of our head. And basically this narrative becomes the guiding compass in your life.

13:44Everything filters through your internal narrative of who you think you are. And humans are inherently meaning making creatures. So the meaning that you're creating around what is happening is really important. So it's like, what is the meaning that I'm giving what this person just did? What's the meaning that I'm giving this? I'll give you a really good example. I had a client one time and she was, she was speaking with with one of the clients I'm not going to give you too many details I'll just give you the details but I don't want to you know tell you specifically about this client but anyways I was speaking with a lady and she had a small home that was on her daughter's property and once a month she would go there and stay there with with the children and you know she would see her grandchildren she would see her daughter she would see her her son-in-law right and there's a small house that's in the back and she would stay there and that was her house she converted it it's her house, everything.

14:37And her daughter and her grandchildren would use this small house when she was not there. And every time recently, you know, for the first five or six years, everything's good. But recently, every time the mother has come over to the house that she owns, most of her stuff was put away inside of a closet. And so the mother ended up saying, she ended up saying, I feel like I don't matter anymore. They take all of my stuff and they just throw it in the closet as if I'm invisible, as if I don't exist. And she said, I feel like my daughter and my grandchildren are pushing me away. They're putting my stuff away and it makes me feel invisible.

15:13It's like they don't want to talk to me anymore. And so I was like, okay, let's get a three-way Zoom call. Like, let me speak with your daughter and you as well. And what we came to figure out was although the mother felt like she didn't matter anymore and felt like they didn't want her to be around and felt like she was quote unquote invisible. When we spoke to the daughter, what she said is they were putting the mother's stuff away because she didn't want her kids to break any of her stuff. So she was actually trying to take care of her mother's things. But the mother had an internal narrative from childhood of, I don't matter.

15:46And so she took this narrative from childhood and placed it on the situation with the relationship with her and her daughter. But once the daughter shared why they moved all of her stuff, the mother's internal narrative was just destroyed. It doesn't make any sense anymore. It no longer held any weight. In fact, the daughter said, the reason why we wanted you to build a house in the backyard is because you do matter and we wanted you to be around. If we didn't want you to be around, if you didn't matter, then we wouldn't have you come around. We wouldn't have built that house in the back. And see, the problem is this, is you have to start questioning.

16:21Like if she would have questioned her own thoughts. She could have probably come to this conclusion. But the problem is we don't see the world as it is. We see the world as we are. And so we're filtering everything through this narrative that we've built up from our lives. And now you have this lady who's literally taking her childhood and her narrative from her childhood of I don't matter, placing it in our relationship with her children or grandchildren, and she's fabricating a reality that doesn't even actually exist. And she's literally creating this feeling by saying, oh, my stuff is the way they must not want me to be here.

16:51They must think I'm invisible. When in reality, what they're trying to do is just respect her stuff, right? And so it's really interesting why you want to get like really, really clear on like, who am I? Why do I think this way? Is all of this true? We filter everything through this narrative that we built up through our entire lives. And the mother could have used the self-perception theory to help her. Get a pen and paper and ask yourself, does moving my things mean that I don't matter? What if they do think that I matter? Journal through, answer these questions. Are they actually trying to push me away?

17:22Are they trying to make me invisible? Could there be something that I'm not seeing in this situation? Or could I be seeing things incorrectly? And so when you can start to kind of get really curious about yourself and get curious about your thoughts, you start to poke holes in what you believe is actually truth in reality. And so when you can use this, you get a whole lot of self awareness. And what you'll do is you'll start to over time resolve inner conflicts before they even come up. And then you'll start to really, really construct empowering personal narratives versus ones that make you feel like shit.

17:59And so what you want to do is have this mindful observation of yourself, start to look at yourself from the outside looking in. And then you, you develop this, this cognitive reframing process and cognitive reframing is just taking your thoughts and reframing them and changing them to what you want them to be. And so this process of just constantly observing yourself without any judgment, any behavior, why am I feeling this way? What does this say about my attitudes, about my beliefs, about my feelings? And then reframe them to see if maybe there's a different perspective that I don't see that will just destroy my limiting beliefs.

18:31And a lot of times your beliefs are just a house of cards. And it just takes a little bit of just a flick and the entire thing comes crumbling down. And so then the last piece that I would recommend is if you feel like in these situations that you're seeing something this way, have a conversation with the other person. If there's another person involved, a lot of times you're seeing things completely differently than they're seeing things. And if that's the case, then all you got to do is have one conversation, completely destroy the entire thing. And you realize that you are seeing things differently than they were seeing things.

19:04And we can come together and try to figure out some sort of way for us to work together. And that right there is how you start to change your beliefs about yourself, your beliefs about the world, and how to actually use self-perception theory to change your life. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. The only way this podcast goes is from you guys sharing it. So I greatly appreciate it every time you share it. And also, if you love this podcast, you would also definitely love Mindset Mentor Plus.

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20:02And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way. I leave you every single episode. So make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.