How to Create a Powerful Self-Image

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1:28Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. Because I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn and grow and improve yourself. So if that's what you're looking to do in your life, hit that subscribe button and join us. Today, I'm going to be talking about how to create a powerful self-image. Because have you ever felt like you know exactly who you want to become, but you just can't seem to act like that person consistently? Like one day you're locked in, and the next day you're back to your old habits.

2:03And it makes you feel like maybe your self-image of who you want to be isn't strong enough, or maybe who you are isn't strong enough. But what if that's not actually the problem? What if the real reason why your reality hasn't changed is because you don't have one self-image? You have multiple self-images and they're competing inside of your brain all day long. And whichever one wins becomes your life. So in today's episode, I'm actually going to show you how to align those identities so that the version of you that you want to become stops being this vision that you have and it actually starts becoming your default.

2:39Okay, so let's call something out right away. There's a pretty good chance that you think that there's something wrong with you. Like I have found being in self-development now for over 20 years, that a lot of people try to fix this. They try to fix that. They try to add this. They try to add that. And when you are trying to fix something, inherently, when something needs to be fixed, it means that something is broken. And so when you say something like, oh, I need more discipline, you're assuming that there's a part of you that's broken that needs more discipline. When you say something like you need to be more consistent, you're assuming that there's a part of you that's failing.

3:15When you say, why do I self-sabotage all the time? You're assuming there's a part of you that's making bad choices. But that's not really what's happening. What's actually happening is that there is a part of you, a part of you that wants to grow. And there is another part of you, another part of you that is trying to protect you from that growth. And they're actually fighting in a battle inside of you. And so psychology has actually known this for a while. It sounds crazy, but as you actually dive deep into it, it's gonna make a whole lot of sense to you. There's a framework in psychology that's called internal family systems, which I know makes it seem like, you know, it's how to fix a family, but it's not.

3:54It's everything that's happening inside of you. And it says that your mind is basically made up of different parts. And not metaphorically, but actually functionally. And each part does have its own job. Like there's a protector that says, don't post that on Instagram because people are going to judge you. There's a protector that says, stay where it's safe. There's a future self that says, this is who we could become. There's a future self that says, let's build something bigger and make our life amazing. There's a child self that holds emotional memory and trauma. There's a child self that carries fear and rejection and abandonment and not being enough.

4:35There's a inner critic that says you're not ready. There's an inner critic that says you always mess this up. And it's not just one of you. There's many parts of you inside of you. It's kind of like a symphony, right? You're basically a human symphony of emotions and parts and thoughts and everything that's happening inside of you. And a symphony needs all of the parts for the symphony to work. But you don't want just, you know, the trombone player just playing a solo all day long over the entire symphony. And so like there's a part of you and you look at it, it's like, yeah, that's just a part of me.

5:06Like it really wants a better life. Like it really wants change. It really wants to put in the hard work. And then there's a part of you that's scared to put in the work, scared of something, scared of judgment or failure or success or other people's opinions or not being loved or being rejected. And for the most part, for most people that I have found, the part of them that is actually winning is one of the scared parts. It's the one that you're listening to the most because you will always unconsciously avoid pain more than you'll actually run towards pleasure. So just imagine that there's a few parts that are inside of you, inside of your head for the rest of this episode, and it's all going to make a whole lot of sense.

5:48Okay. And just so you know, like this isn't philosophy, this, this isn't like just like some sort of philosophical idea that I came up with. It's biology as well. Like your brain is made of competing neural networks. Like one is wired for growth and reward and one is wired for safety and threat detection. And they literally compete for activation. And so when you feel stuck, it's not just laziness, that's competing neural networks firing at the same time. And what causes you to be quote unquote lazy and not take action is the one that's wired for safety and threat detection is actually winning, okay?

6:21So when we're looking at internal family systems, it's not really just a concept. It's an actual framework in psychology. It was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, and it completely changed how we understand personality. And so internal family system says your mind is a system. It's just like a family. There's a whole lot of parts that are happening inside of you. Different identities, different voices, different emotional states, different traumas, different beliefs, everything. and each one of them is believing that it's trying to help you and there's three core types of parts that you need to understand okay it's broken down into three categories number one is what's called the protectors the protectors are the parts of you that are trying to keep you safe they are proactive and reactive in different ways some protect you by trying to control everything some protect you by trying to avoid everything you know this would be like your procrastination your perfectionism, your overthinking.

7:22And they're not flaws, they're just strategies. They're just strategies to keep you safe. They're trying to protect you from some sort of imagined threat. And so most people see their procrastination and they look at that thing and they say, that's what I need to fix. But they never ask themselves like, hey, what am I trying to actually protect myself from? Is it something I need to protect myself from? So those are the protectors. The second category of parts of you are what's called exiles. Exiles are the wounded parts of you. They're usually formed in childhood. They carry pain. They carry shame.

7:55They carry fear. And it would be something like the fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment, the fear of not being enough, the fear of not being loved. And the key to it is that the protectors exist to keep you from feeling the exiles. And so, for instance, like a protector might make you procrastinate because if you feel like you're going to take action, you're going to get rejected. And we will be right back. Hey, showing up for yourself day in and day out and doing the hard things is what creates a better life. And noon hydration helps you stay moving with the real deal. Activated hydration built to support you through those moments that challenge you.

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10:51Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash mentor. That's it. There's no catch. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to$15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And now back to the show. And so see, that's a protector, which is procrastination. It's a strategy protecting you from an exile, which is the feeling of being rejected, right? So those are the two parts right there. And then the third part is what they call in IFS, they call it the self.

11:32This is the part that most people miss. Like you have it, but we usually don't bring it online as much as we should, right? There's a deeper part of you that's inside of you. It's not reactive. It's not emotional in the same way. And IFS calls it the self. It is your grounded awareness. It is your calm, clear, centered state. When you're not triggered, when you're not defensive, when you just know and you have wisdom and you're making great decisions and you just feel like you're operating from just like this place of really, really deeply knowing yourself. That is you. That's not just your parts.

12:11That's you. It's this deep wisdom that lives inside of you that when you allow it to come online and actually on board can actually see through everything, all of the protectors and all of the exiles, and it can see the truth of what's actually happening so that you can give yourself what you need so that you can take action. The problem is that the protectors and the exiles are so reactive and so loud and they're so conditioned into you over your entire lifetime that they usually take over and they come from childhood to keep us safe. But the self, it's not as loud. It's kind of like this whisper.

12:50It's this quiet awareness that we have to be intentional about asking to come on stage and speak. Like the visual I always think of when I think of internal family systems to kind of give you an idea besides like just a symphony, it's kind of like a crowded room with a stage and And different parts of us can go on stage and get the microphone, but only one part at a time can we listen to. And so the wounded parts of us, the protectors, the exiles, they get on stage and they just scream and they just take over the microphone. And that's usually what we're hearing in our heads more than anything else.

13:24It's the fear. It's the worry. It's the projections. It's the anger. It's whatever it might be. What we need to do is be able to become aware of ourselves and what part of us in our self image is actually on stage. Like who is on stage right now? And we've got to be like, oh my gosh, that is my fear of rejection. Okay. Do I want my fear of rejection to be on stage right now? Nope. I actually don't. Okay. So I'm going to take the mic from them and I'm going to put on the stage who I want to be on stage. Maybe it's our wisdom or maybe it's our courageous self when we're afraid, or maybe it's our action taker self, whomever it might be that we want to put on stage.

14:02Okay? And so here's how the dynamic actually works. Something in your life triggers an exile and the pain starts to rise. And immediately a protector will jump in and he'll say, nope, we're not going to feel that again. No, no, no, no, no. We're not going to feel that again. And so it distracts you, right? Makes you procrastinate. It shuts you down. It makes you overwork in some sort of way. It makes you avoid whatever it is that you need to avoid so you don't feel those feelings again. And from the outside, what it looks like when you're looking at yourself is it looks like self-sabotage, but internally it's actually protection.

14:40So if you're not doing something that you want to be doing and you know will make your life better, you're probably protecting yourself from something that you don't want to feel. I mean, it just makes sense, doesn't it? So most of the time we're trying to stop our procrastinating. We're like, oh, procrastination is my problem. I need to stop procrastinating. procrastination is not really the problem. Procrastination is the symptom. It is not the cause. It is the symptom. And if you don't work on the cause, the symptom will always come back. So you've got to work at the root cause of all of this.

15:16And so that's the reason why you can feel stuck is because your protectors are doing their job and they're doing it so well. They're doing it too well, that they would rather keep you small and safe than risk you feeling whatever that pain is. Again, that old pain that you felt from the past in some sort of way. So every time you try to grow, they step in, they sabotage in some sort of way. And so the most important shift is like, okay, so how do I work with this? Well, you have to understand you don't fight your parts. Most people be like, I want to, I want to get rid of this part and I want to get rid of that part.

15:51You're never going to get rid of any parts of yourself. You cannot, well, you can, but you should not suppress your parts. You shouldn't fight them. You shouldn't try to override them. You should try to understand them. Hmm. Okay. Because if you look at them and you can actually understand them and why the protectors exist and why the exiles exist and why the fear of rejection and fear of failure and fear of success and fear of abandonment and fear of not being good enough or not being loved or whatever, when you understand them, that part starts to feel understood. understood. What's crazy about it is it kind of relaxes.

16:28So next time like you feel this resistance like oh my god I really want to do this thing but like I'm I'm at a battle right now and I can't get myself to do it. Pause for a second and just ask yourself like hey what part of me is here right now? Like what part of me is on stage screaming into the microphone? And you're like you know what it is? It's the fear of rejection. Okay and then ask yourself what are you trying to protect me from? And it's really good to journal these out. Okay. It's my fear of rejection. It's up here. What are you trying to protect me from? And then the next question, and this is really the key question is what are you afraid of happening?

17:03Because what's happening is your brain is trying to predict the future. Your brain is a prediction mechanism. So it's trying to predict the future and see like, okay, well, if I do this and I'll get rejected. And if I get rejected, then it will bring up those old wounds of when I was rejected and bullied when I was eight years old and I don't ever want to feel that again. So instead, I'm just going to procrastinate instead of actually taking action. Right. And so you actually start to unravel these things. And as you put it on paper and you unravel it, they really just kind of like, it's like they have a really like they have a death grip on you right now.

17:32And as you start to understand them more, it's like the grip just kind of loosens for you. And so you just listen. You don't fix, you don't force, you don't judge, you just build awareness around these parts. And you know, the reason why this changes everything is because now you're not at war with yourself, which is what most people are internally. Like they're in war with theirself. They're just, their muscles are so tight. They're, I mean, like half the people listen to me right now, like your muscles are tense. Like let go for a second. Why are your muscles so tense? Because you're kind of at war with yourself, right?

18:07You want to be doing something that you're not be doing something. You want to make more money, but you're not making more money. You want to lose weight, but you're not losing. It's like you're, you're this battle. Most people are at war with themselves. But if you do this and you start to become a little bit more curious about these parts, now you're not at war with yourself. You're in a conversation. And that right there is the difference between like temporary discipline and forcing yourself to take action versus like long-term permanent transformation. So like, let me give you a couple of examples, right?

18:33Let's say that, you know, you're someone, you're like, you say to yourself, like, I keep procrastinating on something I know I should do, right? You have something really important to do. Maybe it's starting a business, maybe it's posting content, maybe it's applying for something bigger, another job. But instead of doing it, you scroll or you clean the house or you literally do anything else except for this thing. And so what's actually happening inside of you is that your future self is like, hey, this matters. I really want to do this. Your protector says this feels dangerous. Why dangerous?

19:04Because if you try and you fail, it activates an exile, whatever it might be. And the fear of rejection again, right? And that exile holds like maybe also the fear of not being good enough or the fear of rejection and the fear of embarrassment. And so the protector steps in and says, nope, let's not even go there. So it gives you procrastination. It makes you procrastinate. And now you're sitting there and you're calling yourself lazy and you're calling it laziness. but really what's actually is behind the scenes, it's actually protection, right? And so the shift is instead of trying to force yourself, you ask yourself like, what am I afraid will happen if I actually try?

19:44Then you journal through it. And you know, what am I feeling that I'm avoiding? Like what feeling am I avoiding right now? And you journal through it. And what happens is as these things come out of your head and out of your psyche and onto a piece of paper, like it's, It's just so relieving and it's just like so much tension in your body just gets released. And then you look at it and you're like, oh, I don't think that that's going to happen. I don't logically think that's going to happen. Maybe the lizard brain part of me and my amygdala thinks that's going to happen, but my logical brain's going, yeah, that thing's not going to happen.

20:17This thing that I think is going to happen, it's not going to happen. And that's where the real work is. It's like just listening and getting curious about a part that's trying to stop you and allow that part of you to come up, express, tell you its fears, tell you its worries, whatever it might be. And then it allows it to subside like a lot. And I get you, like you might be thinking that if like, well, but if I give the microphone to this part, I get curious about it and I start thinking about these things that I'm afraid of, it might make it worse. And I get that and I completely understand that, but it's kind of like emotional constipation is really what it is.

20:53Like acting like it ain't there, ain't going to make you feel any better, right? Like you're emotionally constipated, but like asking the questions and allowing it just to flow out, right? Like that's going to stop blocking you. And so you're like, you're like emotionally constipated. It's like, you just need to think about these things. You need to journal through these things. And when you do it, like you just kind of, it's like, you're cleaning the house. You got all this shit everywhere and you just need to clean it up. This is how we do it. Right. Another example would be like, I sabotage good relationships.

21:23Things are going well with someone. They're consistent. They care about you. They love you. And then suddenly you pull away or you overanalyze or you create distance in some sort of way. What's actually happening behind the scenes is that your exile probably holds abandonment wounds, maybe from childhood, maybe from a past relationship where your heart was broken. And it believes like, people leave me. I'm not safe in any sort of way. And so when things get close, that exile starts to activate. And then your protector jumps in fast. And it says like, let's leave first. Let's not get too attached.

21:56Like, let's find something wrong with them. It's trying to leave before you get hurt. Because last time that you were hurt, it was way too painful last time. And it's like, we don't want to go through that again. So I'm going to protect you from that feeling. I'm just going to shut it down. Right? And so the shift that you want to make is instead of thinking like, why am I so screwed up? Why am I always like this? Or why do I always mess up relationships? Those are the wrong questions. You want to ask yourself, like, what part of me is scared right now? And it's like, you know what? It's that part of me that like, that nine-year-old version of me that was just feels like my dad left and never came back.

22:31Okay, well, what does that part of me want to say right now? Like, what's that feeling? What is it trying to protect me from feeling? You know? And then usually the answer is something along the lines of getting hurt again. And then, you know, you just kind of figure it out and you get a little bit better from there. And so the reason why I really want you to understand this and start to dive into this is because a lot of times people are trying to build a new version of themselves and they're trying to create this great version of themselves, but they don't realize there's other versions of themselves, other parts in the stage.

23:01They're screaming into the microphone that we just kind of have to like, let them run their course. We have to get curious about them. We have to ask them questions. And after a while, it's kind of like, they're like, okay, well, I'm, I'm done talking on the stage. Anybody else want to hop up? And it's like, well, yes, the one that wants to hop up is the new self-image that I'm building of myself. The one that wants to take action. The one that wants to build a better life. The one that wants to make more money, have more success, have more fun, have more joy. And so if you're trying to build a self-image that is so strong that you actually start changing your life and the world around you, you've got to let these old guys that are just been protecting you, these exiles and these protectors that just been running the show for so long, you've got to get curious about them.

23:40Let them speak for a bit, start to understand them, and they'll never fully go away. But what happens is you'll notice, okay, I feel kind of anxious right now. What am I feeling? And you'll get curious about yourself. And now you'll have tools in your tool belt to actually start to let those feelings subside so that you can have the new self-image step in. Because you don't change your life by forcing new behaviors. You change your life by aligning the parts of you that create those behaviors. And so you have to understand, like if you felt stuck, if you felt inconsistent, if you felt like you know what you're doing, but you're not doing it, you're not broken.