How to DELETE Your Fear of Rejection

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor, right now, send it to a friend in a text message to try to change your life in some sort of way, whether it's this episode or another episode that you love, just so we can try to change more people's lives. If you would do that, I would love you forever and ever and ever. Today, I'm going to be talking about how to get rid of your fear of rejection.

0:38rejection and let's be real rejection sucks like nobody really likes to be rejected gives you this this feeling in the pit of your stomach when somebody says no right and the thing i really want to talk about before i talk about how to get past is i really want to talk about the actual rejection itself like we talk about rejection kind of like it's a nuisance or that it's a minor inconvenience but if we're like being brutally honest like if you really think about rejection, sometimes being rejected can feel like you got punched in the face or like a punch to the gut where it's just like, oh God, it hurts.

1:12Like it can feel personal. It can feel shameful, almost like you're not worth it. It can bring up all of your insecurities of not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or not lovable, whatever your insecurities might be. So it really, really can hurt. But the interesting thing about rejection is we try to avoid it as much as we possibly can, like as if it's the enemy. But what if rejection wasn't your enemy? Like what if rejection was the absolute training ground for the traits and the characteristics that you actually want within yourself? Like rejection is how you build courage.

1:50You cannot build courage unless you're willing to put yourself out there and be rejected and face it. Facing rejections is required for you to build a life of freedom and for you to build a life of success. So the very training ground of what we want in life and who we wanna be oftentimes comes from having to be rejected. And so the truth is, rejection, in my opinion, if you're afraid of it, if you're listening to this episode, you're probably afraid of it in some way, I think that you should actually actively seek out rejection. The most successful people in the world didn't become successful by dodging as many noses as they possibly could.

2:29They got there by piling up rejections so high that they're near immune to rejections at this point. And so let's go deeper into it. Let's talk about rejection, what it is, why it hurts so much, and how to get past it. I wanna talk with you about the neuroscience of it, the psychology of it, and then actually how to practice rejection and why you should be chasing it. And I wanna talk about this today because yesterday I was at a farmer's market with my wife and right outside the farmer's market, there was this lady. She was sitting there and she was just asking for signups and we were watching her and it was just rejection, rejection, rejection.

3:04And what was wild is that she got rejected over and over and over again. I don't care what it was. She was like trying to save the pandas or turtles or I don't remember what it was. She was trying to save something. And even when she got a no and we watched her get another no and another no, her enthusiasm didn't waver from one person to the next, which I loved. And I was watching my wife was like, I can never do that. Could you? And I was looking at it and I was like, yeah, I could do that. I mean, I don't want to do it, but I could do it. And the reason why is because I have been in sales since I was 19 years old.

3:35So over two decades at this point, and I've made hundreds of thousands of cold calls, maybe at this point, I've done presentations that had so many people say no to my face. And I have detached my self-worth from someone saying no to me. When I was first in sales though, getting a no felt like myself was getting destroyed. And so after you get enough no's and if you have young children, please get them into some form of sales. If you are young, please get into some form of sales because the more hard work and rejection that you can get over your younger years, the better it will pay off as you become older.

4:15And you get so many no's after a while that a no can actually become fun. And rejection actually becomes fun. And so let's talk about why rejection hurts so much. Before we talk about how to actually transform it, like let's acknowledge the reality that rejection hurts because your brain actually acts like it's life or death. And in neurology, it backs it up. When you're rejected, your anterior cingulate cortex and your insula, which are the same brain regions that light up when you feel physical pain, light up. So when you look at it, a simple no hurts when we're like, oh my God, that hurts. It hurts to be rejected.

4:54It's actually because your nervous system is wired to get the same parts of your brain to come online to treat rejection like it's actual physical pain. And that's why rejection feels like danger to you. You want to naturally avoid it. It is natural for us to want to avoid it. Because over the course of evolution, you know, thousands of years ago, when you're rejected from the tribe, literal exile, exile meant death. And so your brain and your wiring is saying, no, we don't want to get rejected. We don't want to get kicked out of the tribe. That wiring didn't just vanish because humans invented iPhones and Amazon.

5:31Your brain still equates social exclusion with a mortal threat. And so I just want to say that before Devin, because I think that you should cut yourself some slack. Like if rejection feels heavy, it's not because you're weak, it's because you're a human. Okay. And so now here's the mental shift that I want to give you for today. Instead of measuring success by how many times you get accepted, you should start measuring your success by how many times you get rejected. Like for instance, if you're in sales and you know that your closing ratio is 40 % and you know, because you've been doing it for long enough, then instead of saying, well, I just need to get four sales, you could also think about it as I just need to get six no's.

6:13And you start measuring your no's and your yes's in some sort of way of being a win, because every single no that you get, gets you that much closer to a yes. And so you can measure your success by how many times you're rejected. Like, think about it. If you set a goal for yourself of getting 10 sales, so let's say it's two sales, right? And we're working off of your averages. What if you just flipped it for just the week and your goal was to hear 10 no's this week? How differently would you go at it? Like it is a win every single time that someone turns you down. Like to think of it instead of, because most people think, oh, if I get a no or I get rejected, that's a failure.

6:51What if just for the next week, just try it out. See if it works or not for you. Just try to get rejected 10 times. Try to get rejected as many times you can. Because if you do, you'll no longer chase approval of other people. When you're trying to get no's, what you're really doing is you're starting to chase courage. And rejection stops feeling like a failure. And it becomes proof that you are playing the game of life at one of the highest levels that there is. And this whole psychological principle is called desensitization. And it means basically that you have so much repeated exposure to the thing that you're afraid of and your brain registers, oh, I'm so afraid of this thing.

7:31I'm getting repeated exposure. I'm not dying. Like there's no catastrophic consequences. And over time, your brain goes, well, maybe we shouldn't have this fear as much. So in plain English, it means the more rejections that you collect, the less that they sting. The more times that you're rejected, the less you care. The more times you're rejected, the less you see it as a reflection of your self-worth. The people with the highest fear, like the most, that are the most afraid of fear, are the ones who haven't been rejected very much. Like the people who are the most afraid of being rejected are the ones who have not been rejected very much.

8:06And the people that are least afraid of rejection are the ones who have been rejected the most. And guess what? They're still alive. And they know they're still alive, and so they're going, well, last time I got rejected, I didn't die, so it must not be that bad. And so it's basically exposure therapy. You know, that's what psychologists call it, exposure therapy. Entrepreneurs, if you're an entrepreneur, if you're a salesperson, if you're, you know, any of those, we call it rejection therapy. Rejection therapy became popular through deliberate games that, you know, these wild people that are entrepreneurs and salespeople came up with, which is like, hey, I'm going to do rejection therapy, which means I'm going to seek out rejection by asking the most ridiculous things I possibly can't.

8:52Like asking for ridiculous favors that you expect no one to say yes to, just so you can go out and get rejected. Or going to a store and asking for a discount every single time you're at a store. Or daring yourself to do things that just scare you. Not because you expect a yes from somebody, but because of the fact you're actually trying to get a no. Like you're trying, you're seeking out, instead of trying to get a yes and to be accepted, which is what we all kind of do unconsciously. It's like, I'm going to actively seek out people saying no to me. I'm going to actively seek out rejection because you're training your nervous system to stop panicking at no.

9:29Like for instance, you might not be afraid of snakes at all. Like you don't like them, but you're not like terrified of them, right? There is another person in this world somewhere that is absolutely deathly afraid of snakes. Now it is the exact same circumstance, It's the exact same situation. There's a snake that's in the room. You can see it and go, oh, that's an ugly animal. I don't really care for it. And the other person can literally start to have anxiety from it, which the only difference is it's the same stimulus. It's a different response to your nervous system than it is to their nervous system.

10:01So you need to focus on training your nervous system to stop panicking at the nose. And so psychological experience have shown us over and over again that people who try rejection therapy, here's the interesting thing. They didn't really stop feeling anxious or scared of no's, but they stopped letting that scared feeling dictate their actions. So really what it did was it wasn't about erasing fear. It was about building courage. And so you could still feel the fear, but you have courage to do it anyways. It's about acting despite the fact that you're afraid of something. It's really building your courageous muscles more than anything else.

10:42And this is why so many great leaders and so many great entrepreneurs, when they're younger at some point in time, cut their teeth in sales. It's because sales is really just like rejection bootcamp. Like if you're in sales, you're basically waking up and asking yourself to get kicked in the crotch 50 times a day. Like you get door after door slammed in front of you. you get no after no after no when you pitch somebody you get people that hang up on the phone you get people that yell at you and eventually just start getting yeses and you realize okay well if I call a hundred people a certain percentage of them will say yes a certain percentage will say no so why don't I just call the hundred people and then I can get my yeses and the no's are just going to happen anyways you know we used to have a phrase when I was in sales when I was the first company I worked for and it was it was some will some won't so what who's next That's it.

11:35Some will, some won't. So what? Who's next? Eventually, you just stop trying to be rejected. Like you're trying, you're stop trying to not be rejected and just realize that rejection is just part of the rhythm of progress. Like every single no gets you closer to that next yes. And so this is the key. Chasing rejection isn't about breaking yourself down. It's about trying to retrain your brain and your nervous system to stop equating no with danger. And so let's talk about how you retrain your nervous system, okay? Like how do you actually do this? Because there's a science and tested roadmap to be able to do this.

12:13So the first thing is this. Number one is you want to, and this is my challenge for everybody listening to me right now. I want you to get rejected today. I want you to put yourself out there. Some of you guys, your stomach's just got all tight, right? You're like, oh my God, I don't know. If I want to be rejected, then that means you need to be rejected. So this is what you need to do step by step, okay? Number one is you need to set some sort of rejection goal. So instead of saying like, I want to land three clients this week, it could be like, hey, I'm not going to stop until I get 10 rejections.

12:46And you win regardless of the outcome as long as you just get 10 rejections. Or it could be, you know what? I want to ask something so ridiculous that somebody says no to me like today. I want to be rejected today. What can you do, okay? That goes on to step number two is you play the rejection game. I remember seeing this years ago when TED Talks were at the very beginning of the 15 years ago, I want to say, that there was this guy that put this TED Talk out and he was talking about how he was so deathly terrified of rejection and he realized that it was just destroying his life. And he's like, you know what?

13:24I'm going to make it a goal to go and get rejected 100 times over the next 100 days. I'm just going to get rejected once a day. And so he had to come out with these weird ways to try to like get people to reject him. And his goal was to get one rejection a day. And so he would go into like, like, and what was wild about it too, is that he was so surprised how many weird things that people actually said yes to. Like he went in, it was around the time of the Olympics, he went into Dunkin' Donuts and he's like, yeah, can I have these donuts created into the shape and colors of the Olympic rings. And they're like, yeah, we're not really busy right now.

13:58We could try it. And he was like, oh, I wasn't expecting to say yes. So then they said yes to him. And then they gave him for free because they're like, that was so much fun. We haven't had anybody do something like that before. He went up to another guy's house and he was like, hey, I'm going to, I'm just going to try to get rejected. I have a soccer ball. I'm going to walk up to some random person's house, knock on the door and ask if I can play soccer in their backyard. The very first guy knocks on his door. He's like, hey, can I play soccer in your backyard? And the guy's like, how long do you want to play?

14:23He's like, I don't know, like 10 minutes? He goes, yeah, I guess, go ahead. And the guy just lets him in his freaking backyard to play soccer. And what he realized is that over and over and over again, he started actually not fearing rejection. He was trying to be rejected. And he realized that sometimes when he was trying these outlandish things would have some of the coolest experience of his life. And so how can you do this? Ask for a discount at the coffee shop today. Walk in and just ask for 30%. Why? They're like, well, you know, okay, it's going to be$5.34. Can I get 30 % off? They'll always go, why?

14:57You just go, oh no, just be cool. You'd be surprised how many people actually go, okay, we'll do it. I had this one time, this was years ago. And one of the things that I was coaching, this was probably nine years ago at this point, I had everybody try rejection therapy. And I said, I want you to go and ask for 30 % off at whatever store you walk into next. And one of the ladies walked into a purse store, asked for 30 % off. And the lady goes, for what? And she goes, I don't know, just because I thought we had a pretty good connection. And the lady goes, you know what? We did. She gave her 30 % off.

15:27She saved like$1 ,000 on a purse just because she asked for it, right? Do something that's going to get you rejected or try to be rejected in some sort of way. Ask a stranger for an oddly specific favor, you know, ask for it to be part of an opportunity that you're definitely not quote unquote qualified for. You know, half the time to be rejected, half the time you'll be really shocked at how many people actually say yes. So that's the second thing, okay? I want you to play the rejection game. Number three is I want you to track the no's. Write them down, pen and paper. Here's the reason why. When you keep a rejection journal and you record each no over time, how it felt, what you learned, over time, because you're writing it down and you're actually processing it deeper when you write it down, the sting of rejection will fade.

16:12And then number four, I want you to build up gradually. I don't want you to jump into the most terrifying task first because that can backfire on you. You know, you're still just trying this out. You're just a young little pup trying it out. So try to build step by step, like go for like a micro ejection today. You know, that's like the 30 % off at a coffee shop. Then you want to go for a little bit more aggressive, like a media mask in the next couple of days. And then you want to ask for some crazy outlandish thing. But the thing that you're trying to do is just trying to get yourself exposure therapy to it.

16:41And then number five, the last part of it is to celebrate your wins. When you don't get a no, or when you go out and you get a no, don't just shrug it off, like celebrate it, like high five yourself, you know, post it on your scoreboard of your rejections. And then that will flip the emotional script of rejection hurts to rejection is actually kind of fun. And so, you know, I like to think of rejection like a fire, like a fire can be deadly. And if you've never seen a fire before, it could terrify you. But the more time that you spend near a fire, controlled, intentional exposure, the more that you realize that fire isn't your enemy.

17:18Like fire forges steel. Fire will cook your food. Fire will warm your body when it's warm outside. And so rejection is kind of like that. It can seem terrifying until you actually learn how to use it. You know, it can forge the resilience that's within you. So if you avoid rejection, it's kind of like the fire, stay cold. When you step into it and you step closer to it, that's how you actually start to harden yourself to become more unstoppable. And so when you look at the people that you admire the most, the greatest entrepreneurs or artists or leaders, they're not rejection proof. They're just rejection trained.

17:53You know, when you look at like J.K. Rowling, you know, she was rejected by 12 publishers before somebody accepted Harry Potter. When you look at Stephen King, his first novel, Carrie, was rejected 30 times. When you look at Dr. Seuss, he was rejected 27 times before his first book became a bestseller. When you look at Colonel Sanders of KFC, he was rejected by over a thousand restaurants when he pitched his fried chicken recipe before finding one partner that would say yes. When you look at Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever to play the game, we could probably debate between him and LeBron, but I would say Michael Jordan because I'm old school, but he was cut from his varsity basketball team when he was young.

18:33And so it's like, you have to understand so many successful people have had many, many, many, many no's and many rejections. Your challenge this week is to go out and collect as many rejections as possible. Make it a game. Keep the score. Watch how you stop caring as much and it starts becoming more fun. And then here's what I want you to do. Here's my challenge for you. Go and get rejected in some crazy way. Send me an email, rob at robdial.com and let me know what kind of crazy shit you did this week. Because I know a certain percentage of you are not going to do this at all. but a certain percentage of you are wild just like I am, go out and do it and then send me an email because rejection is not a dead end.

19:09You know, every no that you have gets you one step closer to the yes that changes everything in your life. And as I always say, if you don't risk anything in this life and you play safe your entire life, you risk everything. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you're out there and you love this podcast and you want to learn more about working with me a little bit more in depth, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com to see about different programs that I have for you.

19:39And with that, I'm gonna leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.