How to Instantly Stop People Pleasing

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week, and they're designed to make you understand yourself a little bit better so that you can grow yourself, improve yourself, and improve your life. So if you don't want to miss another episode, hit that subscribe button. Today, we're going to be talking about how to stop being a people pleaser and how to get better at setting boundaries in your life. So people pleasers, it is time.

0:38let's talk about how to stop people pleasing. I get messages all of the time on Instagram from people saying I'm a people pleaser. How do I stop people pleasing? Can you make an episode about people pleasing? So this is for all of you that have been asking for it for a while. And we're going to go deep into it today. The first thing that you need to know about people pleasing, it is basically a behavioral pattern where people learn from childhood to prioritize other people's needs and desires over their own. I'm going to explain to you very deeply why that is and also how to overcome it. A lot of times they prioritize other people's desires and at the cost of their own personal well-being and their own happiness.

1:23And after a while, just from people that I've spoken to over years and years about this, it really, really starts to take a toll on you. But before we dive into it, my first question whenever I'm looking at something is, why does it exist? Why does this behavioral adaptation exist? So question for you, if you've been on this podcast for a while, where do you think it starts? Yes, you guessed it, in your childhood. And guess where it usually comes from? Yep, you figured it out. It most likely, 99 % of the time, comes from your relationship with your parents or from your primary caretaker if your parents were not the ones that took care of you.

2:02If asked though, almost all parents would say that they love their children unconditionally. Oh, I love my child unconditionally. But if we're being truly honest, that's not really true. Yes, true love is absolutely unconditional, but most parents don't realize that the way that they raise their children, aka condition their children is by unconsciously a lot of time removing love from them and they don't really know that they're doing this but they're kind of doing this because this is the same way that they were raised and this is the way that their parents were raised and so let me give you examples of how this will pop up and how we become people pleasers over time if you're the type of person who is a people pleaser let's say that you're a child and you play basketball you have a great game and your dad's all excited he's all giving you a hug after the game he's all hugs and praises on the way home he talks about it he's you could tell he's excited he talks about all the great plays that you made and how excited he was and how great the team is doing but then we all know dads who have been like this you have a bad game your team loses maybe you miss the game winning shot and instead of him being hugs and praises and saying oh that's okay i love you anyways.

3:18You did a great job. He's quiet the entire ride. To the child, that feels like my dad doesn't love me when I'm this way. So I need to be a certain way for him to love me. It feels like a retraction of love. I need to succeed. I need to win the basketball game in order for my dad to love me. Another example might be with grades, right? This happens a lot of people with grades. You come home with good grades. You got a great report card or great test score. Your mom is all excited. She gives you kisses on the cheek when you come home. She's so excited for you. And she says, oh my gosh, you know what we're going to do?

3:52We're going to make your favorite dinner tonight because you did such a great job with your report card. Feels great. It feels very loving, right? But let's say you get a bad grade. Some, you know, let's say you get a bad grade and then she just acts like you're not even there. Subconsciously saying that you're not worthy of my love. parents or caretakers can do this unconsciously all the time to condition children to be the way they want them to be i guarantee a good portion of the listeners right now just connected a part of their childhood to how their parents would be that way as well because parents are caretakers they can withhold affection they can use the silent treatment they can act like you're not there they can compare you with your siblings to get you to do what they want you to do I've even heard people say that their parents would threaten to send them away.

4:45That's one of the worst things. If, oh my gosh, you weren't good in school, I'm going to send you away. I don't even want you in the fucking house is kind of what that's saying to the child. There are so many examples. And so what happens is a lot of people as children become people pleasers and basically learn to be a chameleon, to do what other people want us to do so that we can feel like we're getting their love. Now, as a parent, your child gets a bad grade or loses a game. It doesn't make you actually love your child less. But that's not what the child perceives it, which is the most important part.

5:22Because what you perceive is what you believe, right? So as a parent, you might be like, yeah, you know, I might have been mad about that one thing. But because it's important for you guys that are people pleasers, but also those of you that have children. But even though it doesn't make you love them less, they feel like you love them less. That's not what the child perceives. And perception is reality. And the connection that they make in their head is this is who I have to be in order to be loved. This is who I have to be in order for my mom to love me. This is who I have to be in order for my dad to love me.

5:53So many, many people become people pleasers and people pleasers become chameleons early in life. Now, as they grow up, people pleasers get jobs. And what do they do? They people please at work as well. They get slammed at work and they're completely busy at work. And the boss comes in and says, hey, I've got some extra stuff. Can you go ahead and do this for me? And rather than being honest with their boss and saying, hey, like, I've got so much. I just don't know if I can even get this done. I'm trying to figure out how I can get everything done right now that I'm doing. instead of saying that and being honest and speaking their own truth, they just say yes to everything.

6:31They put more on their plate and more on their plate in order to feel accepted by their boss or to feel accepted by their coworkers or their manager or whatever it might be. But what ends up happening is that they're stressing themselves out by putting too much on their plate. Then they might go home and they know they're putting too much on their plate. So then they start beating themselves up. Oh my gosh, you should have said something you should have spoken up. Why don't you say that you have too much going on right now? Now we have to stay up late and work. And then you can beat yourself up for not being the person who speaks up, who sets boundaries because you say yes too much.

7:06And it's hard because it's really hard because it gets reinforced because we feel like we are accepted when we say yes. So it's hard because a lot of us don't want to be not accepted. We want to be accepted. And when we say yes to taking on extra stuff from our boss or taking on extra stuff from a coworker who says they don't have time or they're going out of town. We feel like we are accepted. The important thing to understand about people pleasing is this majority of people who have the behavioral adaptation of people pleasing. The core of it is I don't matter. And that's something that you really need to understand is that, you know, that you matter if you're a people pleaser, but by people pleasing, the core of that is that I don't matter.

7:54What I want doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter. My time doesn't matter. I'm going to give up myself because I don't matter. So therefore, other people are pleased. I will do whatever other people want me to do so that I feel loved, so that I feel accepted. But in turn, what I want has to be thrown away. And that can really take a toll on someone over years and years and decades. And so people pleasers often experience a large range of psychological issues. They can stress themselves and burn themselves out because they're constantly trying to meet other people's expectations, which is really exhausting and can lead to a ton of burnout.

8:34They're constantly having too much on their plate, which will eventually wear you down if you have too much on your plate. There's also the point of understanding that when you give yourself away too much, you kind of start to lose your self-identity. People pleasers can struggle to recognize their own desires over time, their own needs over time, and they really start to disconnect from who they truly are. They've become a chameleon for so long, for so many people that they don't even know what they want anymore. They don't really know who they are. And truthfully, as someone who's a people pleaser, you need to learn how to say no.

9:12You need to get better at no. You just got to figure out a way to just say no more often. And so when you look at people pleasing, I'm going to give you a few steps to kind of overcome it. But really what it comes down to is if you're listening to this and this is hitting home with you in some sort of way, a lot of times as a people pleaser, you're giving away your own sovereignty as a human. And so the first thing and the most important thing for all of us to understand is that we need always to develop self-awareness. the first change like you can't change anything that you're unaware of but once you become aware of something you can change it so the first step in changing any behavior at all is recognizing and understanding the behavior and what i would recommend is if this hits home with you is to keep a journal of when you feel like you have been a people pleaser before when you feel like you've been stepped on when you feel like you have had your boundaries crossed in some sort of way and try to look into the past and try to start identifying patterns and triggers of what made you actually decide to do that.

10:16What were you searching for? Were you searching for love? Were you searching for acceptance? Did you not want to get fired? Whatever it might be, right? Try to keep a journal of the past and then start to become more aware of when these patterns start to pop up. When your boss says something to you and you don't know what to say and you're like, oh my gosh, I don't know what to say. Yes. And you're like, ah, shit, I shouldn't have said yes right there. Okay. Write it down. Record all the situations where you felt like you needed to act against your own desires to please other people. And just note, you know, how it popped up, why it popped up, how you felt during and after the event.

10:54So the first thing more than anything else is self-awareness. The second thing is establishing boundaries. Once again, you need to learn to say no. You need to understand that no is your best friend. No is the new best friend of people pleasers. You need to start journaling where you've let people overstep your boundaries so that you can be aware of where it's happened before and where you don't want it to happen again. And then what you need to do is you need to become aware of where you're giving up too much of yourself and start setting boundaries for where you're not going to give up anymore, where you're not going to give yourself away.

11:30And journal what you're going to do next time you're in that situation. Establish the boundaries. The thing that I see that people struggle with the most in boundaries is clarity. And if your boss tries to put more on your plate, initiate a pause. Have a little bit of like a buffer. Don't just say yes immediately. Just be honest. Like, hey, I really want to make sure I do my best work possible. Is it okay if I get back to you on that, that's initiating a pause before giving an answer so that you can have a little bit, you can dish yourself a little bit from the moment. Think about what you just got triggered by, how you almost just said yes, and now you can think about how to respond correctly.

12:09Boundaries are very simple. It's a three-step process that I teach people in boundaries, but it doesn't mean that they're not challenging. They're challenging, but they're very simple. Boundaries are basically a three-step process. Number one, you need to get extremely clear on your boundaries. And when you think you're clear on them, you need to get more clear on them. The second thing is communicating those boundaries with the people who need to hear it. And I would recommend in a very loving way, however you can. This automatically is triggering for people pleasers because now you're learning to start to speak your truth.

12:42And that's usually something that you've never really done much before. So you need to get better at communicating your truth. So first thing, get clear in boundaries. Second thing, communicate on those boundaries. Third thing, stay firm on those boundaries. When you feel your boundaries getting crossed, you need to make sure that you learn to be more assertive. Assertiveness is not something that you just are. It's something that you learn to be. And to be, like you could be assertive in a very brash and asshole type of way, but you could also be assertive in a very loving but firm type of way.

13:14And then really more than anything else is to rediscover yourself. Like go on the path of rediscovery. The problem with people pleasing is that you abandon your true self at some point in time in the past and you're abandoning yourself all of the time. And so when I say rediscover yourself, I want you to wake up every single morning, get your journal out, meditate on this and ask yourself this question. Like this question is something that you should ask yourself every single morning. You should journal on every single morning, but also honestly ask yourself this question 10 times a day. And the question is, what do I want?

13:47What do I want? Most of you have never really asked yourself that. If you have, you haven't gotten really clear. And if you have gotten clear, you haven't really stepped into what you want. You need to rediscover you is what you need to do. What do I want? And then practice being a little bit more assertive. Express your feelings openly, respectfully. Assertiveness can really help people pleasers communicate more effectively without having to feel guilty. And what I would recommend is find someone that you really love, someone who supports you, someone who is really there for you, whether it's a best friend, whether it's a significant other, whether it's a family member that you like really trust and speak to them about how you're starting to notice that you're a people pleaser and that you're trying to stop.

14:35And I noticed this about myself and I'm journaling and I noticed that I do this and I think I got this from my dad and I, and just start to speak with them. So you can have someone else. That's kind of your, your support system in this situation and, and ask them to, to notice like, first off, have you ever seen me being a people pleaser? Like, do you see any patterns within myself? A lot of times people that you're close to see your patterns better than you see your patterns. It's very obvious to them, which is not really obvious to you. And so ask them to speak up. if you really want support with being a people pleaser.

15:10So ask them to speak up if they see you being a people pleaser, if they see you giving yourself away. Ask them to help you stay firm. Ask them if it's okay if we talk a little bit deeper about it. Because ultimately, as a people pleaser, you need to start to rediscover yourself and you need to realize that you do matter. At some point in time, you learned that your needs and your desires were less important than other people's needs and desires. And that is bullshit. That's not the truth of it. But you have to really understand that within yourself. This is not an easy journey. I've walked many people through this journey before.

15:42It's not easy to do because you're basically stepping into a new version of yourself. But you have to understand that it's really interesting is that as you stop, like we become people pleasers to try to get love and acceptance from other people. But a lot of times that makes people step on us and not be what we would prefer. as we step into our true self and we identify as that true self, what's really interesting is people start to respect and love that version of you even more than the chameleon version of you that you were. And so it's really important for you to re-identify who you are, to be very clear on it, to communicate on it, and to step into that as well.

16:20So that's what I got for you around people pleasing. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram and tag me in it, Rob Dial Jr. I have something very special to announce. So hold on another 30 seconds. If you love the mindset mentor, I'm about to launch something that is super, super special. It's called mindset mentor plus so that you can not just listen to these episodes, but you can fully integrate them into your life. I've been working on how I can help every person who listens to this podcast fully integrate each episode into their lives. And that's going to be with mindset mentor plus that's going to be coming out very soon.

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