How to Never Run Out of Things to Say

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. Join over 4 million people who are subscribed to this podcast. And if you wanna get some inspirational mindset, motivational text messages, text to you throughout the week, text me right now, 512-580-9305. Once again, 512-580-9305. Today, I'm gonna talk about how to become the kind of person that people cannot stop talking to. The type of person that people actually want to talk to. Because let's be real, most conversations are painfully boring.

0:52Like painfully boring. Not because people are boring, but because they don't know the keys to become a great conversationalist. And if you've ever frozen in the middle of a conversation or gone blank or said something that even you might have found boring or you left a party and then questioned, did I say that the right way? This episode is for you. I'm going to teach you how to be a great communicator, how to be magnetic, how to be memorable and impossible to ignore. And so we're going to dive into the psychology behind it, the actual strategy behind it, and then the mindset to having great magnetic conversations with other people.

1:30Okay, so first off, before we talk about it, let's talk about the reasons why you actually freeze in conversation with other people. Okay. The first reason why is because we have perfection pressure that we put on ourself. You're trying to say the right thing, which means that you're editing your thoughts instead of fully expressing your thoughts. Because too many of us were edited by our parents, by our teachers, by people that were older than us on what we're supposed to say, what we're not supposed to say. Don't use those words because, you know, that's rude or those are bad words. And now what happens as adults is that we worry too much that we're saying the wrong thing.

2:07And in turn, we edit ourselves too much because we're so worried about saying the wrong thing. And then we don't truly connect with another person as if there is actually a wrong thing to say. Right. So that's the first thing. The second thing that we have is a lot of us have internal judgment. You're not listening to the other person. And a lot of cases, you're too busy listening to your inner critic. And that's the reason why the conversation stalls. Another thing that you're trying to do most likely is you're trying to seem like an interesting person, like you're trying to be interesting. I hope this person likes me.

2:40I want to say the right thing. I want to make sure that I seem really cool. A big key in one of my favorite quotes around this is stop trying to be interesting and start trying to be interested. Be interested in the other person more than you're trying to be interesting and you will crush it in conversations. And I'll teach you exactly how to do that in just a minute. And then all of that basically turns into the threat response in your brain trying to protect you because your brain is wired to protect you. If it senses potential rejection or embarrassment or I don't fit in here or not belonging, it usually triggers this mild stress response within us.

3:21and the stress response is either fight, flight, or freeze. And so what we do is then we start thinking, am I doing this right? Am I not doing this right? What are they thinking of me? We're not paying attention with the other person's thinking. We're thinking too much in our own head. And then we freeze and we screw up the conversation and we can get awkward. But what I really want you to think about is I want you to try to remember the last time that you were in a conversation or you were around someone who just said what they thought. Like not to be an asshole or any sort of way. They were just being themselves.

3:53Like no filter, no agenda, just being 100 % real. It's weirdly magnetic, right? Like we almost get kind of jealous when we see someone like that because we're like, man, they're so themselves. Like I wish I could be more like that. And so instead of rehearsing the perfect answer, one of the best things you could do in a conversation, hey, go figure, is to actually just say what you're thinking. and the way that you can do that if you're afraid like oh my gosh this might be too harsh I don't know if I can say this is to use what I call a buffer sentence before you truly say what you feel if you're worried about what you're about to say use a buffer sentence which is something like hey I'm not sure if this is going to come out right but here's what I think because it kind of buffers it or this might sound kind of random but I've been thinking this or it could be something then like this might be a hot take or people might not like this, but I actually think whatever it might be.

4:50Or you could just use my favorite one, which is, hey, can I tell you how I honestly feel? When you use this buffer, it's like you buffer it so that the people basically ask for permission for you to say whatever it is that you want, which means that you can't really offend them if you say exactly the way that you feel. It's like an actor breaking the fourth wall. People will lean into the conversation a little bit more when you use a buffer sentence like this because you're breaking the normal, boring, cordial conversation flow by going, hey, is it okay if I tell you how I honestly feel? And then they're like, yes, please, because I'm tired of these boring conversations, right?

5:27And just FYI, like you might feel a little bit exposed. You might feel a little bit nervous. That's a good thing. That's what connection feels like. They will feel more connected to you when you share your truth. Okay? So now the other thing that you want to make sure that you do is you want to try to match their body language and their tonality as much as you possibly can. If you want to create an instant connection with someone else, match their energy. Mirror their body language. Match their rhythm and their pacing. And this isn't manipulation in any sort of way. This is neurobiology. This is how trust is built.

6:01You're signaling to their subconscious, I'm safe. I get you. We're in sync. Like don't mimic them exactly like a robot. Like be subtle, be human, but try to mirror them as much as you possibly can. Pay attention to the way they hold eye contact, their smiles, their pauses, their head nods, the tone of their voice. Pay attention to your breathing. Like are you tight and tense or are you open? Are you relaxed? Are you open or are your arms crossed? Pay attention to all of these things. If you wanna be the type of person that people open up to, your energy needs to be safe enough to feel like they can open up to you.

6:43You know, if you're sitting there and you're not nodding your head, you're not like listening, but you're so like just, you're like a statue and your arms are crossed, people are unconsciously not going to feel as safe around you. And so you just want to think like, do I feel open and safe to talk to? People are unconsciously picking up your body language and your tonality all the time. It's what's your body is signaling to them. So you've got to ask yourself, what is my body signaling to them? Okay. The next really big key to this is that you need to be the leader in the conversation, like be the first one to go first.

7:18Most people are walking around secretly wanting to be led. Like most people in this world want to be led. They're waiting for somebody to open up first, to get vulnerable first. They're waiting for someone to say the honest thing. They're waiting for someone to ask a real meaningful question in the conversation. You need to be that person. You know, if you want real talk with somebody else, lead with real talk. If you want vulnerability from somebody else, you're going to have to be a little bit vulnerable first. If you want them to be real, you're going to have to be real first as well. And so it can be something like, hey, can I be honest with you about something?

7:56People are like, yes, of course. You know, and you can go, hey, you don't have to answer this, but like, I love to know. Or like, hey, I've never said this out loud before. People love, love when they feel like you're telling them a secret. You're telling them something that's deep inside of you because they will almost always reflect back that open and vulnerability if you do the same. It gives them for permission to come out of hiding. And it's unconsciously saying to them, hey, this isn't a normal, boring conversation like you're used to every single day, all day long. Okay? And then as I said just a little while ago, make sure you're trying to be interested in the person instead of interesting.

8:37And we will be right back. And now, back to the show. You know, most people really do mess that up. Like they think like, I need to have cool stories. I need to be funny. I need to try to impress them. I need to be X, Y, Z. Nope. you're focusing on you. If you really want to be great in a conversation and have a conversation go forever, focus on them. That's how people really start to like you is when you become genuinely interested in them, not for manipulation, but genuinely interested in them. You know, so like ask, like, do I, do I seem genuinely interested in this person right now? If yes, then the conversation will not die because your curiosity will keep the momentum going, Right?

9:19People don't want to be impressed. They want to be seen. So learn to ask better questions, you know? Come up with a list. You can go to chat GPT and say, hey, give me really good questions to be interested and to get people to open up. Right? Like, hey, what's something that you've been obsessed with lately? Like most people are like, hey, what do you do for work? You got any kids? Blah, blah, blah. Weather, boring politics, boring, like just boring stuff. Like, hey, what's something that you've been totally obsessed with lately? That's a cool question. What would you do every day if you never had to work again?

9:53What's something that you like secretly nerd out about? Who's had the biggest impact on your life? When was the last time something you did something like really changed you? You know, if you could see your younger self and your younger self could see you now, what would surprise them most about you? One of my favorite questions that used to be asked by one of my mentors, he used to go up to people. And he was like one of the most engaging people. And he just loved people so much is he would sit down with somebody they just met and he'd say, Hey, Rob, so like, tell me about you. What's your story?

10:28He'd always say that. What's your story? It's like this magical open-ended portal into real talk into getting to know somebody. So instead of just saying, what's your, what's your story? Like, that's a weird way to say it. Hey, Rob, tell me about you. Like, I'm really interested. What's your story? Oh my God. The type of conversations this guy could have were incredible. Another question I really love, one of my favorites, is what's a question that you wish more people would ask you? If you ask that question, people almost always tell you one of the most important things in their life that they never get to talk about.

10:57And so what we're trying to do here is we're trying to shift from this normal BS small talk to being really connected with another person. Like small talk, it's not evil, it's just so shallow. Like it's like playing in the kiddie pool, right? You got to eventually dive deeper in a conversation, but you know, don't force it. You got to kind of guide the conversation there. And so, you know, you can, you know, instead of saying something like, so what do you do for work? Right. Who gives a shit, right? Like who cares at this point? Like I hate when people ask that question. I've been asked that so many times.

11:29I never asked that question to people because I hate being asked that question. So like a better question would be like, what do you love to do? That's awesome. Or if you want to talk about work, what do you love about what you do? Right? Or like you could say something like, instead of where are you from, like a real good question I've had asked me before, where do you feel the most at home? Ooh, that's a good one. Because they're going to tell you a lot about themselves in that. Right? Instead of saying like, oh, was today busy for you? Say something like, hey, what part of today actually gave you energy?

12:00Like the key is to try to ask questions that no one else asks, not the same questions that everyone's used to getting five times a day. Here's why all of this is important. Because people don't just remember conversations. They will remember almost nothing that you said and nothing that they said. They remember how you made them feel in that conversation. And so that's what's really important with it. Now, if you want an actual step-by-step process of how to never run out of things to say, this is kind of like the cheat code to it, right? So if you're trying to be more open, trying to be more talking to people, it's a five-step process, okay?

12:36The first thing is to just observe something in that moment. Like, hey, that's an interesting bracelet. Or when you said X, Y, Z, you really lit up when you talked about that. Observe something about them. It could be a bracelet. It could be a necklace. Oh my gosh, I really love your tattoo. Observe something. And then ask a deeper question around that thing. Is there a story behind that thing? What makes that so exciting for you? They start talking about it. One of my favorite things to say, tell me more about that. What else? They just keep going deeper and they keep going deeper around it. And then what you're going to do is after they share something about their life, you're going to quickly share something about your life.

13:17And you're not going to talk for the next five minutes about it. You're not going to steal the show, but you're going to share something that makes them and what they just said connect with you. You're going to make some sort of connection. Oh, that reminds me of when dot, dot, dot. Oh, I totally get that. For me, it's X, Y, Z, right? So you share something from your own life. Then number four is you want to reflect back what they said. So it sounds like you, you know, that experience really changed the way that you see things. Oh man, that's really powerful. I didn't think of it that way. And then the last part of it is to loop it forward.

13:48So what's next for you with that? What do you want to do more of in your life? Like, do you want to do more of that in your life? And then you just rinse and repeat. It's just about, you know, a five-step process to kind of get people to keep conversing. You converse with them, they converse with you. you open up, they open up. So like, let's say I'll give you a couple of examples just to make this make sense, right? Let's say you're talking to someone at a party and you observe something in the moment and you're like, Hey, that's a really cool tattoo. What's the meaning behind that tattoo? And they're like, well, I got this tattoo when I was on a solo trip backpacking in Europe.

14:19And then what you do, step two is ask a deeper question. You got to backpack in Europe. That's awesome. Was that a big moment in your life? Like was something happening when you got it? They tell you what it is. Three, share something from your life. Man, I've never gotten a tattoo, but I've definitely had moments where like I wanted to mark the moment somehow. Like how, you know, I did my first solo trip and I thought about doing the same thing. Three, right? Don't steal the moment, just a couple sentences. Number four, reflect back what they said. So it sounds like that trip like really shifted how you saw yourself, huh?

14:52Yes, okay. Five, loop it forward. Do you think you could get more tattoos for like future milestones in your life. And you see how it just keeps the conversation going. It's like, you notice something about them. You ask a question about it. You see how it reflects back in your life. You reflect back what they said. Then you ask them another question about that, right? Another example I can give you is like, let's say you're chatting with a new, like a new friend or a coworker or something, right? You observe something in the moment. Hey, you really like lit up just now when you mentioned that side project you've been working on.

15:23Okay, number one. Number two, ask a deeper question around it. what's like, what is it about doing that? That like really energizes you so much. Share something about your own life. Number three, man, that's how I feel whenever I'm writing. Like, I feel like I lose track of time. Number four, reflect back what they said. So it's not just like the project. It sounds like, like, it's not just like you doing that project. It sounds more of like what it brings out of you, huh? Number five, loop it back. Like, do you want to do more of that? Like, what would it look like if you did more of that in your daily life?

15:55You see, it's like just, it's these conversational tips that you're interested in them. You're talking about yourself a little bit. You ask them questions about yourself. You can be a little bit more vulnerable. They can be a little bit more vulnerable. And it's like cuts through this stupid small talk that so many people are stuck in. And so like, you don't need to be interesting. You don't need to have all of the answers. You don't need to like research jokes or anything like that. Like you don't run out of things to say when you're interested in somebody else. You get that? You only run out of things to say when you're trying to be interesting to other people.

16:29You know, you run out of things to say when you're overthinking or where you're trying to perform or you're trying to control the conversation. So it's like, let go a little bit. Try to have some fun with it. Be yourself. Learn to open up more. Like lead the conversation. Say what's true. Say what you actually feel. And then try to actually compliment the people, get into the conversation and notice something about them. because real connection is not built on like polished lines and trying to seem perfect. It's built on like unfiltered honesty, being curious and like really trying to connect with another person.

17:01So if you do that, it will make you mostly never run out of things to say with another human. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories, tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. If you're looking to do some coaching with me outside of the podcast, I have programs that go from 12 weeks all the way to 12 months. Go ahead and go to coachwithrob.com for some more information. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave this same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better.

17:30I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.