How To Overcome The Fear of Being Judged

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week around neurology, psychology, early childhood development, cognitive behavioral therapy, so you can start to learn who you are, why you are the way that you are, your patterns, and you can start to grow yourself and become better because if you can do that, you can create a better life for yourself. So if that interests you, hit that subscribe button. Today, we're going to talk about how to overcome the fear of being judged.

0:38I'm going to talk about how to stop being hurt by other people's opinions and how to stop holding yourself back because you're worried of what somebody else is going to say to you. And I decided to do this episode because I got a message on Instagram and the question was something like, how do I deal with someone or how do I deal with someone that says things that hurt me all the time? Let's talk about it real quick. I want to give you guys as many tips I possibly can to how to not be offended, how to not feel judged, how to not care what other people think about you. The first thing I'll say before I dive into it is what I would do is before you do anything else is to make a short list of people whose opinions matter to you.

1:22In this list, like mine is maybe three people. and if that person is not if somebody judges you or they give you an opinion and they're not on your short list just stop caring just push their thoughts away are they okay hold on this person on instagram just said xyz let me are they on my short list they're not okay cool no big deal let me go ahead and just let it go so that's the first thing i'll say before i should start giving you more tips um the first thing i'll say around it though as far as like actual tips just stop hanging out with people who talk down to you. You know, stop hanging out with people who don't want the best for you, who cut you down, who find holes in all of your success, who give you those little, you know, I've heard them called negs.

2:04Those little negs are just like the little negative comments where it's like death by a thousand cuts. Like just stop hanging out with those people and your life will automatically start to get better. The second thing that I'll say around this, when we think about being judged or other people's opinions or being hurt by other people's opinions or judgments is no one can hurt you with words that you don't already believe. And this is going to sting for some of you guys. Think about this for a second. No one can hurt you with words that you don't already believe. There are many things that I could come up and say to you and it wouldn't offend you at all.

2:38Wouldn't care. Not a big deal. But then there's something I could come up and say to you and it would offend you. That shows you what you already think of yourself. And so it's not that you're worried about other people's lack of acceptance of you. It's actually your lack of acceptance for yourself. Whatever you're searching for in the external world is actually what you're searching for from yourself. If you're searching for more acceptance and love from the external world, you're actually searching for love and acceptance of yourself. And that's why self-belief is such an important thing. Self-confidence is such an important thing, which I'll cover later on in this episode.

3:13You know, and I've given this example hundreds of times in the podcast, but it's just so good and it makes so much sense. It just tends to click in people's heads. But one of my friends was talking to me about how he was with his mentor and he was in his early 20s and he was doing millions of dollars a year in his business. And he was with his mentor who was in his 40s. They were going on a walk and he was like, hey, Ryan, tell me about your business. Everything seems to be going great. Tell me about it. And my friend Ryan was like, you know what, man, I'm not enjoying it. He's like, what do you mean?

3:44You're making millions of dollars a year. And he's like, every time I get an email from somebody to customer service talking about they hate my product or it's a bad review, he's like, I just want to shut it all down. And his mentor's like, yeah, it's because you're insecure. And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm not insecure. I'm talking about my business. He goes, yeah, you're insecure and it's showing up in your business. That's why you're triggered. He goes, I'll give you an example. If a lady came up to you on the street right now and she's like, hey, Ryan, you have pink hair, what would you think?

4:14He's like, I really wouldn't think anything of it. And he goes, why not? And he goes, because I don't have pink hair. He goes, right. You wouldn't be triggered by something that you don't feel is already true. And so anytime somebody says they don't like your product or something that speaks down about your company, you don't have enough self-confidence to actually not care about what they say because they're showing you your insufficiencies that you feel that you already have that exist. And it's like Eleanor Roosevelt says, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. you know i don't like your hair no big deal okay fine i don't like the color of your car okay fine i don't like your voice okay fine but then somebody says something that you have an insecurity about boom that's when it hurts that's when you get angry that's when you get emotional that's when you get sad that's when you blow up whatever it might be no one can say something that hurts you unless you already believe it to be true and so that's why it's so important for us to work on ourselves to make sure that our mental health is in such a good place, that our self-love, that our self-acceptance is in such a good place.

5:16As pissed off or hurt as you might be, when someone comes up and triggers you in some sort of way, whether it's your spouse, whether it's your children, whether it's your mom, your dad, whatever it might be, that person is giving you a gift. It is the universe coming through them to you to show you where you are not free. They are showing you where you are hung up in your mind. They are showing you where you still need to work on yourselves. They're showing you where you're not free. And you have to realize life for all, hopefully 90, 100 years that all of us listening to this podcast are going to get, hopefully we all get 100 years, right?

5:54Life until we die is just a constant up-leveling. It's just constant growth. And, you know, physically our bodies might start to deteriorate over time, but mentally we can still in our self-acceptance and self-love and our personal development, our spiritual development, our emotional development, we should always be striving to up-level ourselves, to grow. And the growth never stops. You know, there's never a point. And I don't expect for years in the beginning of my self-development journey, it was almost as if I was working to get to a destination. Like, man, I can't wait till I get there because then everything's going to be perfect.

6:31I can't wait till I make this amount of money and have this amount of money in my bank account because then everything will be perfect. I can't wait until I get in a relationship because then my life is going to be whole. No matter what happens, there is no destination. And we will be right back. And now, back to the show. There's no place that you get to where you don't have any flaws. There's no place that you get to where you don't have any baggage, where you don't have any triggers, where you're never completely not offended, where you have no temper, where you have no emotion, perfectly calm at all times.

7:05And, you know, even in the middle of a tornado, you'll probably never get there. I'll probably never get there. But what I'm trying to do is I'm constantly trying to just get a little bit better. Can I just get a tiny bit better, just one step forward in my life today? And this is the reason why self-belief is so important. If you believe in yourself, it doesn't matter what anyone says to you because you don't need them to believe in you. At this point, what a lot of us are doing is, like I said, what we're searching for from the external world is what we're actually searching for from ourself.

7:39If you need somebody, you feel you need people to show you and reflect back to you that you're good enough, that you're smart enough, that you're pretty enough, it's because you don't think that you're good enough or you're smart enough or you're pretty enough. You don't feel whole within yourself and so you're trying to have other people fill a void that they can't fill within you. The only one that can fill that is yourself and this is why working on your own self-belief is so important. So then the natural question is how do I believe in myself more? You have to push yourself to do something you don't want to do or you have to do something uncomfortable every single day and you have to do something that's a little bit out of your comfort zone and you need to get yourself to go to the gym when you don't want to and you're a little bit too tired.

8:21You need to sit down and read when you didn't want to read or sit down and meditate when your anxiety is going crazy. You just do something that just makes you a little bit better. It's like one of my very first mentors used to always say, you're either green and growing or brown and dying. And so I've always just been thinking in my head, how can I just get a little bit better? I don't need to push myself and get a million times better today, but just a tiny bit better. So that when my head hits the bed and I go to sleep, I'm just like, I did a good job today. I'm getting a little bit better.

8:48and you start to gain confidence. You know, and I think it's really important. I say this all the time on the podcast. Confidence doesn't come only from success. It also comes from doing something that you didn't want to do. By whether you succeed or whether you fail, the important thing is that you saw yourself show up for yourself. That builds confidence. That builds trust within yourself. When you say you're going to do something and you don't do it, you're losing trust within yourself. And this is why it's so important for you to show up for yourself. I see so many people that will do everything for everybody else, but they don't do shit for themselves.

9:28They will put themselves at the bottom of the totem pole. You have to put yourself at the top of the totem pole because if you're better, everyone in your life is affected by you being better. Your children, your spouse, your family, your co-workers, your employees. So you have to show up for yourself way more than you'll show up for anybody else. It's not being selfish. It's about doing something for yourself, knowing that when you're better, everybody else is better. You know, you say, oh, I'm going to go for a run, and you don't go for a run. I'm going to wake up early, and you don't wake up early.

9:57You say you're going to go on a diet, and you don't go on a diet. When you don't show up for yourself, you're seeing that. When you show up for yourself, you're seeing that. And so if you can make sure that you continue to keep showing up for yourself, you will gain more confidence. And the more confidence you gain yourself, the more trust you gain yourself. The more trust you get in yourself, the more that you don't need anybody else to fill a void within your soul and you search for them for your validation. You know, there's a study that is called the self-efficacy theory and it's by Albert Bandera.

10:27And the study that they did on people found that it was basically on individuals belief in their ability to succeed. And so do I believe that I can succeed in accomplished tasks? And what they found was that one of the primary ways to build self-efficacy, confidence within yourself, is through situations where an individual faces a challenge. Doesn't matter if they succeed or fail, but they face the challenge. And that alone builds self-confidence. And so overcoming obstacles and achieving goals, especially when they're challenging, can significantly increase your confidence in your abilities.

11:03The other thing that's really important is to choose your circle wisely. the people that you surround yourself with, they should motivate you to be better, but also they should show you in their own actions how to be better. You know, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If the people around you don't want the best for you, if they find faults in your successes, they try to make you play small, and they make negative, little subtle negative comments. You know, if they're the type of person who you win the lottery and they're like, oh, congratulations. Ugh, do you know how much you're gonna have to pay in taxes?

11:39Like just enough. Let them go. Find a new circle. There was a study that was done that was called the Framingham Heart Study. And the study's been going on since 1948. And in 2007, researchers analyzed all the data that they had of this study. And so you're basically talking almost 60 years of data at this point. And they found that various behaviors and traits, including your happiness, including obesity, including smoking habits, spread throughout social networks like a virus. You actually become who you surround yourself with. They found that if a close friend of yours becomes obese, your chances of becoming obese increased by 57%, which shows that our social circles significantly, significantly, good God, can I get this word out?

12:31Significantly influence our behaviors and also our habits as well. There was another study that was done on depression. It was called the Rosenquist study. And they found that, and they were trying to figure out about happiness and depression and if it spreads like a virus throughout social networks. And research that they found was having a friend who becomes depressed increases your chance of depression. On the other side of that, having friends who are happy and are not depressed and feel like they have great life increases your chances of being happier. So, you know, if you have people who are sad and depressed and they aren't challenging you and they don't want better and maybe they have a fixed mindset, maybe it's time for you to just see if there's other people out there that you could hang out with.

13:17You know, another thing that I'll say around that is as you start looking at other people's opinions and other people's judgments. It's really important, of course, like I said, to have a short list of people who you trust. But also when you take somebody's advice, if you decide to take somebody's advice, look at it and say, would I trade places with this person based off of the advice that they're giving me? And so, you know, if you're sitting with somebody and they're telling you marriage advice and you know they've just had terrible relationships their entire life, you're probably not going to take advice from them.

13:56If you sit with somebody and they are broke as a joke and they're trying to give you money advice, you probably shouldn't take advice from them. Like, I'll give you a great example. I love my mom. She's a great woman. But I would never take advice from her on how to grow my Instagram. Why? My mom doesn't even have an Instagram. That doesn't make any sense. But how many people are out there and they want to start a business, and I hear this all the time, I want to start a business, but my mom thinks it's a terrible idea. And I'm like, how many businesses does your mom run? Zero. Well, she's probably not the best person to take advice from around a business.

14:35Maybe you should talk to somebody who's successful in their business. You know, so if your mom or dad is saying, no, you shouldn't start a business, no, you shouldn't start a business, and they've never had a business or they've never run a successful business, they're probably not the best person to take advice from. You know, would you rather take advice from someone on how to be a millionaire, from someone who's never been a millionaire or someone who's a multimillionaire? Probably the person that's a multimillionaire. People love to give advice. People love to give their advice. They love to give their opinions, especially online.

15:03Just stay out of the comment section, right? They love to give their opinions. They love to give advice, but just because they're giving it doesn't mean that you need to take it. And so I recommend having a short list of who you actually care about and trust, and you know, they want the best for you. And those are people that you're going to take advice from. And then also when you are trying to have your own discretion of, do I take advice from this person or do I not? From this thing that they're giving me advice from, what I want to trade place with them. Business advice? Are they running a successful business?

15:33Relationship advice? Do they have a successful relationship? Money advice? Are they good with their money? All of those things. Just start to think about who you're taking advice from. But at the core of it, the thing that really matters the most is that if you're searching for other people to validate you, And that's why you're so afraid of other people's opinions, other people's judgment. What you really want is self-validation. And that's the thing that you need to work on with the advice that I gave just a little while ago. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a massive favor.

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