How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor, share it with one person today, whether it's this episode or whatever your favorite episode might be. It allows us to impact more people and I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, we're gonna be talking about people pleasing. People pleasers that are out there, it is time. I'm going to prioritize you and talk about you because you don't prioritize yourself.

0:38And let's talk about how to stop people pleasing. I have to talk about this a lot on different coaching sessions with Mindset University. And there's so many people out there that are people pleasers. And I want you to understand that people pleasing is a behavioral adaptation where people basically prioritize the needs of other people's needs and desires and whatever it might be over their own needs and desires. And a lot of times it is at the cost of their own personal well-being and happiness. It's like death by a thousand cuts. And after a while, people-pleasing for too long is really, really going to take a toll on you.

1:19So let's talk about how people become people-pleasers so you can understand how this behavioral adaptation starts and why it actually starts. And then we're going to talk about how to actually get rid of it. So for those of you listening, why do you think that it starts? You guessed it. yep, something happened in your childhood. And take a guess of where it probably came from. Yep, your relationship with your parent is 99 % of the time where this people-pleasing is going to come from. And I want you to understand that if asked, I would say that probably all parents would say that they love their children unconditionally.

1:56And that's beautiful, but it's not true. And it's true that true love is to love unconditionally, but most parents, no matter how great parents are, no matter how loving they actually are, most parents don't realize that they actually raise their children, aka condition their children, by removing love from them. And a lot of people don't realize they're doing this because they're just doing the same thing a lot of times that their parents did for them. And nobody really had a psychology degree and said, well, what are we doing to our children? And so people don't really know that they're doing this when they're raising their children, but they really are.

2:35And this is very, very important, first off, for anyone who is a parent right now to understand and to ask yourself, like, where am I raising my children with conditional love? Because I hear it so many times that the reason why someone has become the way that they are as a 40-year-old adult, and I zoom back and find out how the relationship with their father was, I'm like, Well, that's where it came from. Because even though your father loved you so much, he was very conditional with his love and you started moving and shifting who you are in order to basically feel his love as much as you possibly could.

3:10And so, you know, an example that I see from a lot of people pleasers is something like you played a sport when you were a kid. Like, let's say you played basketball, right? And you have a great game in basketball and your dad's all excited and he's all hugs and praises and he talks to you about the game on the way home and he talks about the great plays that you made. And then if you have a bad game, he's quiet the entire ride. I hear this story or something like this all of the time. So then people think, well, in order to get love, I have to perform. In order to get love, I have to show and prove that I am worthy of love.

3:49So that becomes behavioral adaptation I see all the time. And so this happens a lot with people pleasers. Another good example of this as well is like, that I see all the time is like good grades, right? You get good grades, your mom is all excited. She gives you kisses on the cheek. She takes you out to go get ice cream when you have a good report card. And then your next report card, you have one bad grade. And she just acts like you're not even there, right? Subconsciously saying to you, you know, this is not worthy of my love. And so parents or caretakers can a lot of times withhold love and affection, or they can use the silent treatment.

4:28Or I hear a lot of times that people compare their one child to another child in order to get one of the children to do what they want them to do. And that in turn makes the other child feel like they're not enough. They can, you know, I've heard like threatening to send you away somewhere. They can, you know, make rude jokes that they see as funny, but as a child, you translate something's wrong with me. or they can dismiss your emotions and say that you're being too much or that you're too emotional or even just threatening you if you don't do what they want you to do. Like, hey, just do this or you're not going to come with us.

5:02There's so many examples of adults that I've had conversations with and how they have become who they become and they have these behavioral adaptations that are so hard to break as an adult, like people-pleasing, because of the conditional love that they are raised with by their parents. What happens over time is that if you're a people pleaser, you kind of learn to become a chameleon. You do what they want you to do or become who they want you to be simply so you can get their love. And that's how it starts in childhood. But usually the behavioral adaptations start in childhood, like morph into these weird other behavioral adaptations like people pleasing that are just really hard to break as you get older and you don't really see where they come from.

5:50So, you know, as a parent, a bad grade or a game that is lost doesn't make you love your children less. But I want you to understand that's not what the child perceives. And the connection that they make in their head is, well, then this is who I need to be in order to be loved. And I want to be loved, so I will become whatever my parent wants me to be. And so, so many people pleasers learn this in childhood and they become chameleons early in life. Or they grew up in a chaotic household and they learned, okay, well, this household is crazy and my sister is making it even worse. Like my parents are fighting, my sister's out there drinking and doing drugs.

6:37I need to be the peacekeeper. I need to be the one that makes sure that everyone is okay. And so then as the they grow up, people pleasers, then they get jobs. And instead of having to please their parents, now they're trying to please their boss. And so like they might be slammed at work and the boss gives them extra work. And rather than being honest with the boss and saying like, hey, I'm slammed. Like, I don't even know if I can get my own work done. And I definitely don't know if I can get this work done. Instead of telling the truth, they just say yes to everything. And they put more and more and more on their plate in order to feel accepted by their boss or their coworkers because they've learned that's what they need to do in order to be loved and accepted.

7:19And so a lot of times I see people pleasers that are just like exhausted because they've just said yes when they want to say no so many times. And then what ends up happening, like I said, they're stressing themselves out because they have too much on their plate. And then they have too much on the plate. And then a lot of times a lot of people as they beat themselves up for thinking like, oh, you should have spoken up. Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you say you have too much time going on? So now they have shame on top of all of the work that they have to get done. And this is, it's really, really hard on people.

7:51And it gets reinforced because we feel like we are accepted when we say yes. And so if you're a people pleaser, you're like, you want to be accepted, but you feel like you're only accepted when you feel that you say yes. And if you're a people pleaser, I want you to realize that the core of people pleasing is I don't matter. And at some point in time in your childhood, you learned, I don't matter in some sort of way. And so, you know, so I don't matter. So I need to do what other people want me to do. I don't matter. So I need to be a certain way for somebody. I don't matter. So I need to say no to my own desires and say yes to everybody else's desires.

8:26I will do what other people want me to do so that I feel loved and accepted. But in turn, what I want has to be thrown away because what I want doesn't matter. And so that can really take a toll on someone over years and years and decades, like just feel the weight of how much I don't, if you're a people pleaser and you identify with like, yeah, that I don't matter. That kind of resonates in some sort of way. Feel the weight of 20 years, 30 years of I don't matter. It's like a slow chipping away at your own self-confidence. And so having coached a ton of people pleasers, people pleasers can really have a wide range of psychological issues that come from it.

9:11One of the ones that's obviously very common is stress and also burnout. Because when you're constantly trying to meet the needs of others' expectations, that's exhausting. Like when you're trying to be this person for this person, that person for this person, this person for that person, it's like you're trying to be 25 different. It's like having 25 tabs open on your computer. Of course, it's going to slow the computer down. You know, when you're constantly having too much on your plate, it will eventually wear you down. Another super common thing that I see with people pleasers as well is kind of like the loss of their own self-identity because a lot of people pleasers struggle to recognize their own desires and needs because they have been putting them off for so long.

9:51They have been a chameleon for so long, for so many people that if you were to strip away all of that, they're like, I don't know what I want. I don't even know who I truly am. And truthfully, it's because they've never really respected their own desires as much as they should. They've always been doing what other people want them to do and becoming whoever people want them to be. And so it's like it can become like a loss of identity and a true real self-discovery that they really need to go on. And then very common thing that I see with a lot of people that are people pleasers is they have a really good face in front of people of like happy and everything's okay.

10:29but behind it they hold a lot of sadness and resentment this you know this continuous self-sacrifice leads to sadness of like i don't know who i am anymore i don't know what i want but also resentment because the fact they feel like they always have to please other people and so if you're in this situation i want you to understand number one you're not odd in any sort of way like people pleasing is extremely common i would say 50 60 percent of people probably are people pleasers. And so all of the things that you're dealing with are very common and there are steps to get you out of it. And that's what we're going to talk about.

11:03Okay. The first step, which is the first step for pretty much anything. When I teach you guys, something is self-awareness. The first step to changing anything, any behavior is to recognizing and understanding it. You cannot change something that you're not aware of. And so you've got to become aware of when you're a people pleaser. A really good way to do this is to keep a journal or even just like in your notes tab on your phone. Instances when you put your own desires second or third or fourth, and you say yes when you wanted to say no, and you put it in your notes tab so that you don't forget it.

11:37Because when you do this and you start to actually put it down, you start to notice over two, three, four, five weeks, you start to notice patterns. You're people-pleasing patterns. And it helps you identify the patterns. It helps you identify the triggers. And so if you put it in your notes tab and you jot down the situations where you feel like you should act against your own desires and please other people, then you also, what you want to do is note like, how did you feel during that time? Like before you said yes, how did you feel during the time when you're doing all the work? And then how did you feel after all of that?

12:12And notice how your feelings shift in different ways as well. And so a really good way to become aware of these things is anytime it pops up, write down the moment of when it happened and then write down what you're feeling in that moment. And if you do say yes, when you wanted to say no, why did you say yes? What made you feel like you need to say yes? How did you feel after the moment ended? And then you start becoming more aware of yourself and you start becoming more aware of your patterns, but also your triggers as well. The second thing that you need to do if you're a people pleaser is you need to get better at establishing boundaries.

12:47People pleasers, I'm going to give you full permission for this, okay? you need to learn to be selfish. People pleasers are terrible at being selfish. You need to get better at being selfish. You know, selfish can be bad for a lot of people. For people pleasers, it can actually be really good. The most important word for you is no. Like you need to know when to say no. Like no is your new best friend. And you need to start journaling like where you have let people overstep your boundaries. Like, you know what? My boss, my manager, he has overstepped these boundaries hundreds of times. And then you want to journal, like, how are you going to start to set these boundaries in front of them?

13:25How are you going to learn to say, hey, listen, like, listen, I'm sorry, I would love to get this work done. But like, I have this, this, this, this, and this on my plate. Like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to take this work on. Is there anybody else who could do it? Or, you know, if you want me to get rid of one of these things that are on my plate, then I can take that work on. And become aware of when you feel like you're giving yourself up too much. And then journal, okay, like, okay, I just said yes to my boss. I should have said no. So I want to journal what I'm going to do next time that I'm in this situation.

13:57And, you know, if your boss tries to put more on your plate, you know, initiate a pause. Hey, I really want to do this, but I'm just so slammed right now. Is it possible that, you know, I can get back to you on that? And there's a three-step process that I always tell people for setting boundaries. It's pretty simple, but it's hard to, you know, it's simple, but it's challenging to stay on track with them. Number one is you need to get really clear on what your boundaries are. If you can't see your boundaries, nobody in this world is going to see them. So you've got to get very clear on exactly what your boundaries are.

14:27Number two, you need to communicate your boundaries to other people. Clearly, hey, I'm sorry, I just have these boundaries. Like I've been working 70 hours every single week. I just, it's burning me out. Like, so I can't do any more work at this point. Right? So like whatever it might be, clearly communicate them. Or it's clear communication. A boundary might be like, hey, I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to let you speak to me that way. And you clearly communicate your boundaries. And then number three is you have to stay firm on your boundaries. Your boundaries will get stepped on and they will get overstepped, especially if people have a pattern of overstepping their boundaries, your boundaries with you.

15:03So number one, you get clear on them. Number two is you communicate them clearly. And number three, you need to stay firm on them and re-explain yourself when the moment's when you need to. And so, and the last thing I think is the most important for people who are people pleasers is to practice being assertive. Being assertive does not mean that you're mean. It means that you're honest without an apology. So it's like, hey, this, I'm sorry, it just doesn't work for me. You don't have to explain yourself any more than that. For people pleasers, you're like, oh my God, I need to figure out how to explain myself after.

15:34No, you don't. That doesn't work for me is a great explanation, right? Another way of saying is like, hey, I'm not going to, I'm not going to let this happen. Or I want this. Or I have needs too. Like those are ways of being assertive. It is honest without an apology. Don't say sorry so much. Assertiveness is a language of somebody who remembers who they are, right? It's being true to yourself, which is something that maybe you've never really practiced in your entire life. So instead of like an example would be like instead of saying yes to a friend's request of, hey, can you help me this weekend?

16:11You might say like, hey, I understand you need help moving this weekend, but I have prior commitments. Can we find another time when I might be able to assist you? Best response. It's like, hey, I understand what you need, but I have prior commitments that I'm sticking to. I'll help you, but can we find another time where I might be able to help you? And they're like, oh, don't worry about it. Not a big deal, right? It's just, it's assertive is not being rude. It's just being honest and it's just being upfront. And that's the thing about it as well. And the last thing I'll say around as well is like, seek support if you can.

16:41If you have a friend or a significant other that you can trust, that you can speak to about how you feel like you're a people pleaser, like tell them that you feel like you're a people pleaser. Like, hey, do you notice me being a people pleaser? What do you notice? Do you see? Because there's things that people around you that are close to you see that you don't see at all just because it's so normal for you. These patterns that you fall into. And so it's like, hey, can you help me if you notice me being a people pleaser? Can you help me on how to stop? You know, ask for them to speak up if they see you being a people pleaser and giving yourself away.

17:11And then ask them to help you stay firm as well. And that's really important about it. And what I want you to realize is that a behavioral adaptation, you know, people pleasing is just a behavioral adaptation. And it is a behavioral behavior that you created because of something that was happening in your environment in childhood. Well, now that you're not a child anymore, your environment does not require you to have that behavioral adaptation anymore. So if you created it in childhood, you can change it in adulthood. And so what you need to do is you need to figure out who you want to be, who you are, how you need to be assertive and stick to your boundaries and be as selfish as you need to be to find who you truly are.

17:46So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at Rob Dial Jr., R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, there's many ways to do so. You can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.