If You’re a Perfectionist, Listen to This!

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1:37Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll probably love the live event that I'm doing later on this year. If you want to join the waitlist to be the first to learn about it and to get massive discounts for my in-person event in Austin, Texas later on this year, go to freedomwaitlist.com. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com. Today, we're going to talk about perfectionism. Listen, if you've ever called yourself a perfectionist, you need to hear this episode because that identification of quote unquote perfectionist might be the main identity that you have of yourself that's actually holding you back right now from creating the life that you want.

2:26Because have you ever noticed that, I've noticed it, that some people wear perfectionism like it's this badge of honor. Like I've done it before. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. Like I want everything to be perfect. Oh, I'm working so hard because I'm a perfectionist. Like people say it almost like proudly, like it is a badge of honor. It's like proof that they care more, or it's like proof that they have higher standards than everybody else. So they, they hold themselves to a higher standard. It's like the reason why they think they're going to be successful. But I want to challenge that idea for a second.

2:59I've coached thousands and thousands of people. And what I've realized is that perfectionism is not excellence. It's not this destination that we're trying to get to so we can make the best product possible. Perfectionism is a mask that you wear to cover up something else. And so we say, oh no, well, I'm a perfectionist. That's why it's taken me so long to get my art out there. I'm a perfectionist. That's why I'm trying to create the best presentation I possibly can for my boss, right? No, perfectionism is a mask that you wear to cover up something else. And what is that something else? Almost always fear.

3:36And so behind every perfectionist is fear. And once you really see it, you can't unsee it. And so I'm going to cover the three fears, like the three core fears underneath your perfectionism, and we can see which one is yours. And then I'm going to teach you how to actually work through it step by step after you've identified it. Because the truth is perfectionism has very little to do with trying to create something great, which is what we think. I'm trying to create something great. I want to put greatness into the world. I want something that I put out there to not just be average. I want it to be amazing.

4:11But we act like perfectionism is the filter that you put on your art or you put on your product before it's ready for the world to see. But most of the time, what it's really about for all of us is protecting. It's trying to protect you from feeling something that probably feels uncomfortable in some sort of way. And so we don't want to feel the thing that is uncomfortable. And so instead we unconsciously say, oh, well, perfectionism is the reason why. And so it might be protecting you from the fear of failure that you have. It might be protecting you from the fear of judgment of other people.

4:51It might be protecting you from the feeling of having to be vulnerable in some sort of way. And the crazy thing is, like I said, the very thing that we think is our badge of honor for creating something great. Believe me, I've said I'm a perfectionist in the past many, many, many times. But what we think, like the very thing that we think is our badge of honor is often the exact thing that's keeping us stuck and self-sabotaging over and over and over again. And let me give you an example, right? Think about this for a second. Let's say you go to a friend's house and you've known this friend for like 10 years.

5:25You're pretty close to them. You go to their house for the first time and you walk into their garage to go get something. And there's these beautiful paintings everywhere. And there's just like 40, 50 paintings. You're like, Oh my God, these are incredible. So you walk in, you're like, Hey, John, whose paintings are those that you have out there? Those are amazing. And John's like, Oh, those are my paintings. And you're like, you paint? I didn't even know that you painted. Like I'm thinking maybe you told me before, but those things are amazing. Like, why don't you do something with And why don't you sell them online?

5:53Or why don't you start an Etsy? Or why don't you open up like a pop-up where you can sell them? Or maybe you go to a farmer's market. And John's like, no, no, no. Like, you know, I'm still tweaking it. Like I'm still adjusting some of them. I really don't like the lighting on. They're not perfect yet. I'm just fixing the tiny details, right? That is what he uses to convince himself that he's a perfectionist. And then none of it is ready yet. But we convince ourselves that it's not ready. And we never show it to anyone. when in reality, what's really behind that is a whole lot of fear. You know, the fear of, you know, what if I do end up setting up an art show and I'm walking by and somebody, I overhear a conversation.

6:34Someone's like, oh my God, that painting is so ugly. And now I've got to hear somebody judge my art that feels like it's a piece of my heart and soul. Or maybe somebody sees a price tag and they're in a conversation with their friend and they're like, they want to charge$1 ,000 for that. I wouldn't pay 10 bucks for that ugly ass painting. And now he's got to hear that his art is not worth what he thinks it's worth. Right. And so instead of having to open ourselves up to be vulnerable or to be judged or to be found wrong or that our stuff is not good enough, instead of opening ourselves up to possibly be in feeling wounded, we're like, no, I'm a perfectionist.

7:12It's not perfect yet. Does that make sense? Like, was that perfectionism or was it fear? Because the way I see it is fear. fear that somebody might not like it fear that someone might criticize it fear that the work won't be received in the way that they hope that it would the fear that the one thing that they love more than anything else that they feel like they put their heart and soul into might fall short into the other eyes of other people and so what's the safest thing to just never be seen to say oh no it's not perfect yet i'm a perfectionist right no because you have to understand if you've never share it, nobody can judge it.

7:52And that's where perfectionism really gets sneaky, right? It disguises itself as high standards. It's not high standards. I'm telling you right now. Often what it is, is it's self-protection. And so you've got to ask yourself, like, what am I protecting myself from? You know, if you're editing your presentation for work, it doesn't even have to be your art. It could be a presentation for work and you're editing it over and over and over again, because you think like, I want to make sure that I can put my best possible foot forward for everyone to see. But really, it's like you're afraid that your boss is going to judge you.

8:25You're afraid of being made fun of. You know, it disguises itself as productivity when in reality, what I would say it actually is, is avoidance. And we will be right back. Hey, showing up for yourself day in and day out and doing the hard things is what creates a better life. And noon hydration helps you stay moving with the real deal. Activated hydration built to support you through those moments that challenge you. Noon hydration tablets deliver clean ingredients and optimize electrolytes that hydrate better than water alone, especially when you're sweating or on the go. The tablets dissolve quickly, taste great, and come in a single, no-mess tube that you can take anywhere.

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11:08Whether your company earns millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you stay ahead of the pack. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI at netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. And now back to the show. And so we say, hey, I'm trying to have really high standards, when in reality, it's avoidance of some other feeling. And so let's talk about what's underneath the perfectionism. And this is why I want you to try to identify with yourself what actually is there.

11:46Because if you follow it all the way down, you usually find that there's basically three core fears that we're trying not to have triggered within us. And that's why we say we're quote unquote perfectionist. Okay, the first one is the fear of failure. for many perfectionists mistakes don't feel like mistakes mistakes actually feel personal so like if we put a lot of time into a project or whatever it might be and suddenly it doesn't work out it tends to not be like oh that didn't work out and we tend to put it on ourselves and say i didn't work i'm not good enough you know a presentation doesn't go well and then what we do is we use it as evidence that you're not smart enough or like your business struggles and suddenly you start questioning your worth as a person, right?

12:39So that's the first one that's really, really big for most people in the situation is just this fear of failure, which is usually when I ask people their biggest fears, that's usually the biggest one, right? This fear that I don't know if I put it out there and it doesn't work out that I'm going to see that I'm a failure and that's my biggest insecurity. And so I'm just going to try to hide that thing away. Right. And so the fear is actually what failure might mean about you. So we think that it's, you know, it is failure, but really what it is, is what we actually make it to mean about ourselves.

13:12It's never really what happens to us. It's always what meaning we give what happens to us. And so if you fail, that might hurt, but really what it comes down to is what are you going to make it mean about you if you quote unquote fail, right? So that's the first thing that usually holds people back is the fear of failure. The second thing that is behind perfectionism is the fear of judgment. A lot of perfectionists spend their lives trying to manage other people's opinions. They edit a post 17 times before publishing it. They rewrite an email five times before sending it. And then they put in a chat GPT to make sure that it's perfect.

13:51So they keep adjusting the project and adjusting and adjusting because maybe one more tweak will finally make everybody approve of it. But here's the problem with all of that. The finish line in this case, especially in perfectionism, it just keeps moving because no matter how much you try to perfect something, somebody will still have an opinion. Perfection does not exist. And if your goal is universal approval from everybody alive, you signed up for a game that you can never win. People will only see the world through their own lens. Like I'm sure there is one crazy person who doesn't think that Michelangelo's David is great.

14:34They might be like, oh, it's just pretty average, right? Which if you've ever seen in person, it's, it's insane. It's considered by many people, their greatest people, piece of art that's ever been made. Not everybody loves it. I'm sure. And you have to understand not, if that's the case, not everyone will love you and not everyone will love what you create. And so by saying you're perfectionist, you're trying to, to not open yourself up to this feeling of judgment. And then the third fear for a lot of people is vulnerability. And I think this one is actually the deepest one because perfectionism creates the illusion that if you can just make everything flawless, you'll never have to feel exposed.

15:10You'll never have to risk rejection. You're never going to have to risk embarrassment. You'll never have to risk shame. But vulnerability, and this is something that I've really learned, especially since starting this podcast and over a decade ago and hundreds of millions of views on all the stuff that I've put out and being seen online. I was so afraid at the very beginning of being vulnerable. But what I have found is that vulnerability is a core part about being a human. You cannot have courage without vulnerability. You cannot have growth in your life without vulnerability. You cannot have real true connection with another person without vulnerability.

15:50If you don't have vulnerability in your romantic relationship, you don't have real true connection. That is the core of a true connection is the vulnerability. And so if you look at the word vulnerability, like the Latin root for vulnerable is the word vulnerar, which means to wound, to injure, or to harm. So we try not to be vulnerable as a way to try to protect ourselves. It's like putting armor up in front of us. But if we put up armor, armor is just not going to keep people out. It's going to keep us from being seen and really truly connecting with other people. The parts of your life that matter the most require vulnerability.

16:26And that's why perfection is it becomes exhausting because you're trying to accomplish something that doesn't exist. Like think about it. What is perfect? Name me something that's perfect, right? And then once you find it perfect, according to who? What one person loves, another person's going to criticize. And so perfectionism is, it's not a destination. It's a moving target that you'll never hit. And chasing a moving target is a recipe for frustration. You'll never get too perfect in anything that you do. And that's why perfectionism often creates one of three outcomes, procrastination, burnout, or missed opportunities.

17:00You know, you'll procrastinate because you're afraid that it won't be good enough. You'll burn out because you're trying so hard to achieve an impossible standard that you'll never get to. And you'll miss opportunities because you're waiting for the perfect moment that never arrives. And so how do we actually overcome this fear that is behind our perfectionism? The first thing that we have to do is shift from perfection to progress. Focus on progress more than anything else. One of the biggest mindset shifts that I've had is realizing that progress is what's going to change my life, not perfection.

17:34when I first started this podcast I used to edit out every single um and uh and all that stuff it's not like that anymore can I just put out the best possible product that I can because nothing will ever be perfect I mean almost every single episode when I get on you know shooting it and then a few hours later I'm like ah shit I could have said this I don't go back and re-record it it's just like hey progress over perfection I did the best that I could in that moment Tony Robbins always says progress equals happiness so as humans we want to feel like we're progressing You know, the first podcast episode I ever released wasn't perfect.

18:06The first video I ever posted wasn't perfect. The first coaching session I ever did wasn't perfect. If I had waited until I felt ready, I probably wouldn't be talking to you right now. Because ready is not a feeling. Ready is a decision that you make. And so progress of us focusing on that creates some sort of momentum. Progress creates momentum in our lives. Perfection creates paralysis. Progress is something that we can all build upon and we can always get better in. So that's the first thing. The second thing is you need to get honest with yourself about what you're actually afraid of. What is behind your perfectionism?

18:39Because perfectionism and the fears that run it thrive in vagueness, right? It thrives when the fear stays hidden. The hidden fears are the dangerous fears. But when you bring them to the light, you realize they're not that bad. Like fears in our heads are like the scene from The Wizard of Oz, right? where they meet the Wizard of Oz and he's big and he's powerful and he's mighty and he's so scary and they're so scared of him. But when you write down and identify your fears, you'll realize that it's not this big, scary thing like you thought it was in your head. When you write them down and actually start to work through them, it's like the movie when Toto runs over and moves the curtain and what you thought was scary, this big, scary being, the Wizard of Oz, is just some sweaty guy in the corner, like just fumbling over his words.

19:27Like even in the movie, he says, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Like that's what perfectionism is actually trying to do with your fears. Pay no attention to the fear that's actually there. We're going to call ourself a perfectionist, right? So you've got to ask yourself when you're writing it down, what is the fear? Like, what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of failing? Am I afraid of being judged? Am I afraid of people not liking me? Am I afraid that I will discover that I'm not as good as I hope that I am? The moment that you name the fear, you begin to start taking its power away.

19:55And then you realize, like I said, it's just the sweaty guy in the corner. Okay, that's number two. Number three, the third thing that I want you to do and the third part is to practice self-compassion because perfectionists are often incredibly hard on themselves. They speak to themselves in ways that they would never speak to someone that they love. And I want you to really think about that for a second. If your best friend was struggling with being a perfectionist and the fear and the judgment, and all that stuff. I don't know if I don't want to make the same mistake that I made last week. Would you talk to them the way that you talk to yourself?

20:26Oh yeah, you're an idiot. You probably shouldn't. No, of course you wouldn't say that. So why is it okay when you say it to you? Growth does not happen through self-abuse. I don't know where that came from. So many people think that it does, right? Growth happens through awareness, through ownership and compassion with yourself. You have to be your biggest fan, right? So have more compassion. And then finally, the last one, take action before you feel ready. This is one that nobody really wants here because everybody wants confident first and everybody wants certainty first and everybody wants guarantees first, but confidence never comes before action.

21:00It comes after action, right? Send the email, publish the post, apply for the job, post the video, start the business, like have the conversation, whatever it is, do it before you quote unquote feel ready. But in reality, ready is just a decision that you need to make. Because every time that you act, despite feeling fear, you're teaching your nervous system, it's not that dangerous. Like I can survive this. And every time you do that, perfectionism loses its grip just a little bit more on you. So if there's one thing like I really want you to take away from this episode, it's this. Perfectionism is not about being perfect.

21:36It's about being afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of judgment, afraid of vulnerability, afraid of being seen. And freedom within your life begins the moment that you stop trying to be perfect and you start allowing yourself to be human and to be just as screwed up as we all are because there is no perfect human on this earth. So the goal should never be perfection. It should be growth. It should be progress. It should be when my head hits the pillow tonight, am I just a tiny bit better than I was when I woke up? That's progress because your growth is going to be messy. It's always been messy, but that's really what makes you human.

22:09That makes it beautiful. Nobody, especially in the day and age with everything being perfect and filters and AI and all this fake stuff, people want real. Just be more real and be okay with being seen. So that's what I got for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at Rob Dial Jr., R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want to learn more about the waitlist to come to my in-person event in Austin, Texas later this year, once again, go to freedomwaitlist.com. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com. And I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode.

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