Master Self-Control in 15 Minutes

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1:37Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have never done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss any more podcast episodes because I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn and grow and improve who you are so that you can improve your life. So if that's what you're looking to do, subscribe. Let's go on this journey together. Today, I'm going to be talking about how to master your self-control in just about 15 minutes. Because if you really paid attention, you'd notice you're not choosing your behaviors throughout the day. You're usually just reacting to your emotions and then following a pattern.

2:15So the scroll, the procrastination, the overthinking, all of that is just escape. And the craziest part about it is that most of it was wired into you before you were even aware of it. So what you have been doing is you've been trying to fix your life at the surface level while all of the real problems and feelings really lie underneath the surface. So today, I'm going to show you how to finally break that cycle for good and build real self-control. Okay, so most people think that self-control is about willpower. It's about force. It's about action. But that's not what it's actually about. It's not really what's happening behind the scenes.

2:55That's really just what's happening at the surface level. What is really happening? Well, let's dive into it. You feel stress and stress creates discomfort inside of your body. And your brain says, nope, word out. We're not going to do this, right? So you distract yourself, and then after you distract yourself comes the guilt. And then you say, oh, I'll try again tomorrow. And that stress basically leads to avoidance. Avoidance leads to distraction. Distraction leads to guilt. And the cycle repeats over and over and over again. So you can see when you look at it that way, it's not really a discipline problem below the surface.

3:34It's more of a emotional regulation failure more than anything else. And let's be honest, like the majority of our parents did not know how to regulate their own emotions. So there was no real chance of them ever being able to teach us emotional regulation because they didn't know what emotional regulation was. So I believe that emotional regulation might be one of the greatest skills that you can develop. It will help you build self-control. It'll help you be happier. It'll help you be more successful. And overall, it will just lead to a more positive life and more successful life as well. So let's talk about why self-control is so hard and what happens when you usually feel overwhelmed.

4:19When you feel overwhelmed, your brain will shift into survival mode. Your amygdala, which is your brain's fear center, will activate. Your prefrontal cortex, which is your decision making and executive functioning, will go offline. your brain stops sending as much blood flow to your prefrontal cortex. And so that means that your decision-making just goes down. And so self-control is really hard when you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable or like something is wrong or you're covered in fear or worry or self-limiting beliefs, right? So your decision-making basically shuts down. And if that shuts down, that means that your self-control is basically just going to disappear because now you're not going to make great decisions.

5:02And under stress, your brain will always choose old habits over any intention that you have. You default to what feels safe. You default to what gives you relief. And what feels safe? Old habits. Staying in your comfort zone. So what do you do instead of taking action or using the self-control? You scroll, you procrastinate, you avoid because your brain is simply just trying to protect you. Not from anything that actually needs to protect you from, but from discomfort, from a feeling that you don't want to feel. And I know you've heard me say this before. Hundreds of times if you listen to a lot of these episodes, all your brain really is trying to do all the time is protect you.

5:46Almost always, when you look at how you get in your own way, whether that's procrastination or fears or worries or negative self-talk or limiting beliefs, all of those are just different versions of you in your brain trying to keep you safe because it's afraid to do something out of your comfort zone. And so it creates all of these things, these traps to keep you in your comfort zone, the fear, the worry, the limiting beliefs and negative self-talk because it's too busy keeping itself occupied with a bunch of BS that doesn't matter versus actually taking action and doing what you you to do. It wants you to stay where it's safe.

6:25So if you're trying to understand yourself at a deeper level, you must find out what is behind what is actually what you think is holding you back. So you say, oh, my problem is procrastination. No, there's something behind the procrastination that comes before that's causing you to procrastinate. Oh, my worries and my fears are the problem. No, they're not. What's behind your worries and fear? It's almost always protection. So you have to understand that you're not distracted. You're not addicted to distraction. Everybody thinks they're addicted to distraction. Your phone, social media, TV, shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever it might be.

7:04You're not addicted to the distraction. You're addicted to escape. And most people nowadays are. And this isn't something that just started recently in your life. I promise you that. You've been doing this in many, many different ways for a very long time. And so let's look at where this came from so that you can actually understand yourself. Because if you can understand yourself, then you can understand how to actually master your self-control. So if we go into your childhood, if emotions weren't safe when you were younger, then you probably learned to suppress your emotions. If you were told to stop crying or that you were too much or children are supposed to be seen and not heard or that big girls or big boys don't cry, then you learned most likely that your feelings are inconvenient and they should not be seen and you should not bring them up.

7:52So you know you learn that there's probably something wrong with your feelings. There's probably something wrong with your emotions. There's probably something wrong with expressing how you feel. So you might have had to be strong even when you didn't want to when you really just wanted a hug when you really wanted some love from somebody. You learned that vulnerability is dangerous and your brain basically adapted. And you learned that feeling means that I am unsafe. And so now every uncomfortable emotion then triggers avoidance in you. This is really key. Do you get this? Because you want self-control so that you can take action so you can create the life that you want.

8:30But if you are constantly being triggered into avoidance from uncomfortable emotions, it's going to be really hard to master self-control. and we will be right back. Hey, showing up for yourself day in and day out and doing the hard things is what creates a better life. And noon hydration helps you stay moving with the real deal. Activated hydration built to support you through those moments that challenge you. Noon hydration tablets deliver clean ingredients and optimize electrolytes that hydrate better than water alone, especially when you're sweating or on the go. The tablets dissolve quickly, taste great, and come in a single, no-mess tube that you can take anywhere.

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11:15Whether your company earns millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you stay ahead of the pack. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, get our free business guide, Demystifying AI at netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. Netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. And now back to the show. Every time something gets hard or you're just a little bit out of your comfort zone, it will trigger avoidance inside of you. Your system basically says, nope, get out. I'm not going to do this. And that's why discipline can feel really impossible. So for years, 15 years of my life, I thought like action, force yourself to do it, all of this stuff.

12:00And then as of like the past five to eight years-ish, I've been looking at it going, oh my God, there's a deeper level that nobody ever talks about. And it's this, what's going on below the surface. The deeper level is what you really need to understand. You're not fighting laziness or taking action. You're fighting your old conditioning. You have a learned pattern, and you need to unlearn that pattern and learn a new one. So let's talk about how to actually, when you notice yourself getting emotionally charged or triggered or in fear or worry or self-doubt or negative self-talk, let's talk about how to actually reset yourself when you start to feel this way so that you can move out of your old habits and patterns and start to get into the driver's seat of your own life.

12:48Like you kick out your old habits, you kick out your old patterns, your old fears, your old worries out of the driver's seat of your life. And now you can hop in the driver's seat and make the decision of the actions that you want to take. So this is a 15 minute reset. Okay. Minutes one through three, you want to regulate. The first thing you want to do is regulate your nervous system. Honestly, I've been in self-development for a very long time. This is not talked about enough because there's no reason to try to take action if you're not even regulated in your nervous system. It's going to be hard as hell to do so.

13:19Most people are mentally trying to change things because we live in a very mental world, thinking, thinking, thinking analytics, but none of that is going to stick if your nervous system is unregulated and thinks that it needs to be in fight or flight and there's danger everywhere. So what do you do? You've heard me say it before. The first thing you need to work on is your breath. Slow it down. Inhale for four seconds. Exhale, so inhale through your nose, preferably. Exhale through your mouth for six to eight seconds. I recommend that you actually hum because the humming actually, the vibration actually stimulates your vagus nerve, which actually calms you down even more and gets you into your calm side of your nervous system.

14:02It gets you, you know, calms your nervous system. It lowers your stress hormones. It brings your brain back online. It allows you to get out of fight or flight. And this is the first step to regaining control. If you're in fight or flight, you're not going to be thinking very well. You're not going to have much self-control at all. You need to basically regulate yourself before you do something different. So that's, you know, minutes three through zero, zero through three. You take three minutes and you just.

14:36you just do that for three minutes. I promise you. Oh my God. It makes you feel so much better, so much quicker. Okay. Minutes three through eight get really clear. We have a dirty, messy whiteboard in front of us. Let's wipe it all off. And then let's write down what's actually going on. Right? So you want to write pen and paper. Don't filter it. Dump everything that's in your head onto a piece of paper. And then ask yourself, what am I feeling? What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? Put words to it because naming an emotion reduces the intensity like 10x. It's not even about like, you don't even have to figure anything out a lot of times, usually just naming it.

15:22That's why they say name it to tame it. Like just naming it and figuring out what it is usually like just calms people down a lot. A lot of times our brains are thinking thoughts that we're not even truly aware of. So when you put it on a piece of paper, you can start to see it and it loses its power over you. And once it's on that piece of paper, you can start to work through it. There are fewer things in this world that are harder to work through than your thoughts, feelings, and emotions when they're running a million miles a minute in your brain. When you put it on a piece of paper, you can actually start to work through them.

15:53Okay. Okay. So that's minutes until eight, minute eight to 13. Get honest with yourself. Ask yourself one question. What do I actually need right now? Not what should I do, not what's productive, not what's going to bring me the most money, but what do I actually need? You know, the answer might be uncomfortable. It might be rest. It might be honesty. It might be boundaries. It might be, I need to sit in this uncomfortable feeling. Like an example I'll give you. So let's, I'll give you a few examples, right? Procrastination, the classic procrastination. You're sitting down to work. You keep checking your phone.

16:31You feel distracted. You tell yourself, I just need to be more disciplined. I need more self-control. Nope, that's not it. Pause. Ask yourself, what do I actually need right now? And the answer might be like, I'm overwhelmed, or I don't know where to start, or I'm afraid that I'm going to do it wrong. So what do you actually need? Maybe you need more clarity, not necessarily discipline. Maybe you need a smaller first step. Maybe you need to give yourself permission to do it imperfectly. And now you give yourself what you need, which makes it easier to take action, which is the first step of getting self-control, right?

17:05Another example I'll give you is like, let's say that you have a short fuse and you snap at somebody. Someone says something small, nothing really that big. You overreact and you feel it instantly. Pause. Ask yourself, what do I actually need right now? You know, you might find, oh, I feel like I'm disrespected or I feel like I'm on scene or I'm already so stressed out and this person's just adding to my stress. So what do you actually need? Maybe you need to communicate better, not react. Maybe you need to slow down. Maybe you need to acknowledge the emotions that you have before acting on anything to feel instead of trying to fix, right?

17:42Pretty good one. Let's say, for instance, another example I hear all the time is like avoiding the gym or like a hard task. You know, you told yourself that you would go, you didn't, and you think like, oh, I just need to be more motivated. I need to get better at taking action. Okay. I noticed that I just screwed something up. What do I do? Pause. I need to ask myself, what do I actually need right now? I am tired. We're like, I don't want to feel uncomfortable. Or maybe you've been going for a while and you're like, this feels pointless. I don't feel like I'm making any progress. So then what do you actually need?

18:11Maybe you need some rest if it's legitimate fatigue. Or honestly, maybe you're just avoiding discomfort and you push yourself to go. Or maybe you just need a smaller version of the task. So instead of going to the gym for an hour, maybe it's just, hey, I'm going to put on 15 minute YouTube video of a workout and I'm just going to do that instead. To be honest, when you start to write these down and figure out, a lot of times just doing this and acknowledging what you need and how you feel will make it like 50 % easier to take action. it's really weird like once you name it and you see it and you find out what you need it's like it's it had this tight grip on you and it's just like just acknowledging it it like loosens its grip on you it's almost like it just needs to be heard and nothing really needs to be fixed okay and then the last piece of it is minute 13 to 15 is you need to shift your identity now that you have regulated yourself now that you've figured out what you need now that you have a pretty good idea.

19:10You've written it all down on a piece of paper. Get in the driver's seat. You get to choose who you want to be. Every action is a vote for the person that you wish to become, right? That's what James Clear says. And it's true. So you've got to decide who do I want to be in this moment? Do I want to be the person that goes into my old habits and procrastination and fears and worries and limiting beliefs? Or do I want to step into a new version myself? And so then what you want to do is for two minutes, just visualize the version of you. See how they think. See how they act. See how they respond in these types of moments.

19:42This is how you actually start to rewire your brain. In psychology, this is called cognitive reframing. It's constantly being aware of your thoughts, noticing the ones that you don't want anymore, and then actually making a decision to change that thought in the moment. And this is not like a one-time thing. This is something that you must do thousands and thousands and thousands of times. But the average person has 60 to 80 ,000 thoughts a day. So you're going to get this repetition pretty quickly, right? Repetition creates a new baseline. The key is more intentional and less on autopilot. We're so on autopilot.

20:21If we're on autopilot, we're going to go to comfort. We're going to go to go to old habits, old beliefs, old actions. And so the more intentional and present and aware of ourselves we can be, the less on autopilot will be. And the faster that you can change and the faster that you can start to rewire yourself. The reason why all of this works is because you're not building discipline. You're building basically like state control. Like your state determines your behavior and you're actually changing your state versus feeling like shit. You actually go, I'm going to take 15 minutes to build myself back up and get myself into an empowering state so that I can master self-control and I can take the action I need to, right?

21:00A calm brain makes way better choices than a stressed out brain that's trying to seek escape. So the goal is not to like force yourself. The goal is to regulate yourself. The goal is to then step into the driver's seat and be the one in charge. Not your old habits, not your old patterns, not your old thoughts. Self-control isn't about forcing action or discipline. It's about removing the need to escape. It's about becoming somebody who has a deep understanding of who they are. And it's about becoming somebody who jumps into the driver's seat of their own life as often as they possibly can. That is how you build self-control.

21:40So the next time you want to distract yourself, you want to avoid, pause for a second. You don't need to act immediately. Just chill for a second, right? Ask yourself what you're trying not to feel. Sit with it, even for just a moment. Most people's problems come from the fact that they're just trying to avoid what they need to feel. And then actually start to go through the step-by-step process of breathing, writing it down, figuring out what you need to do, what you need, and then visualizing who you need to be and taking the right action. Because in that moment, when all of that happens is where change happens and your life changes.

22:15So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in it. Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. I love when I see all of you guys always sharing this every single day. So if you do that, I'd greatly appreciate it. And if you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

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