Relationships Are Hard… Here’s The Best Advice

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. And if you're out there and you've ever gotten any value from this podcast, do me a favor, send this podcast or another podcast episode to one of your friends. If you would do that, it would help us change the world in a small little way and I would love you forever for doing so. So if you do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, I'm gonna be giving you four pieces of relationship advice to help you improve your relationships.

0:37Now, I am not a relationship coach, but I have been with my wife now for well over a decade. And at the same time, I have worked with many people that are in relationships and also getting into relationships, getting out of relationships, getting a divorce, seeing why they get divorced, talking them through their struggles with relationships. This is one of the things that I think a lot of people really need to hear. These four different pieces that have helped my life massively in my relationship with my wife, but also my relationship with everyone else that I know. So let's go ahead and dive into it.

1:08Number one, most important relationship advice that I can give you is this. The most important relationship that you'll ever have is with yourself. Stop acting like it's the least important relationship that you have. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation to every other human connection that you have in life. It shapes how you view the world. It shapes how you treat other people. And ultimately, how other people are going to treat you as well. You cannot tell me that you can love yourself at 50 % but give 100 % to everybody else. No, because the amount that you love and accept yourself will either expand or retract how much you can give out to other people as well.

1:53A broken relationship with yourself leads to insecurities within yourself. It leads to doubts within yourself. It leads to toxic patterns and triggers that ripple into other relationships that you have with other people as well. So many people act like their relationship with their children is important, which it is. Their relationship with their spouse is important. It is. Their relationship with everybody else is important. There is. The relationship with their boss is important. It is. But you know what? My relationship with myself, I'll get to that later. Like some people really, like actually not being sarcastic, prioritize the relationship with their boss more than they prioritize the relationship with their self.

2:32They will show up more for their boss, more than they they'll show up for themselves. And so when we neglect our own self-worth, we look to other people to fill that void. So we may start to look at other people and say, hey, like unconsciously, I don't feel worthy within myself. I need you to show me some love. I will tolerate whatever you will do to me so that therefore I can at least feel like my void that I have within myself that comes from my lack of self-worth is being filled. And so we might start to tolerate being treated poorly by other people. We seek external validation from other people whenever we don't have internal validation.

3:13And we can over-rely on other people to make us feel whole or worthy. And it has been shown that prioritizing self-love makes us more likely to cultivate healthier relationships with other people. So you can't think that you're just going to have a great relationship with everybody else in your life, but have this negative person that lives inside of your own head that just beats you up, that brings you down, that makes you feel like you're not worthy. You know, so many different studies in psychology show that self-compassion, practicing it actually lowers your cortisol levels, which is your stress hormone, and increases your resilience in all of your other relationships.

3:53Because when you regulate your own nervous system, you're less likely to project your anxiety and your anger and your fears and all of the other crap that's in your head onto other people, which means your relationships will naturally become calmer, healthier, and better as well. So the first step is recognizing that your self-relationship, like putting time and energy into yourself, is not selfish. Even though so many people have been told that it is. It's about acknowledging yourself for the human that has needs, that needs to set boundaries, to have a really, really strong sense of who you are.

4:29Like, think about it. If you don't know who you are, like at your core, and have a great relationship with yourself, what, like in knowing what you need, how can you truly expect anyone else to know how to love you well? You can't. You know, if you don't trust yourself or love yourself, you'll constantly look for someone else to fill that gap. And that leads to imbalances in relationships. This is where codependency takes root, where you say, oh, I rely on this other person for this thing and for that thing, for love and for acceptance and for worth. Like, no, there's no way that you can get all of those other things from one person, you know?

5:06So healing yourself is forgiving yourself, healing past traumas, working through them, getting rid of your negative self-talk, getting rid of your internalized beliefs about how you're not worthy or not lovable or not good enough. Forgiving other people, forgiving yourself. You know, you must meet your own needs, your own emotional needs before expecting anyone else can do so. The better relationship that you have with yourself, the better relationship that you can have with other people. So that's number one. Number two, do not expect another person ever to complete you. No one can complete you.

5:41You are not incomplete, so therefore you cannot be completed, right? The idea that someone else can quote unquote complete you is a ridiculous idea that's been popularized by movies and books. But in reality, it sets a really dangerous example of what a real relationship actually is, right? And hear me closely on this. Nobody is responsible for filling the gaps within your own self-worth or trying to make you feel whole. No one can do that. And that just in all honesty is way too much pressure for another person. That's way too much of a burden for another person to take on. They've already got their own shit.

6:16You want to throw your shit on top of them as well? It's impossible. But if that's the case, if you look for the other person to fill your voids and to make you feel better about yourself, what happens when that person's gone? What happens when that person's not around? You feel less than again. And so you are never truly healed. Psychologists call this, it's called the external locus of control. And so it is when your self-worth is outsourced to somebody else. You're always at the mercy of someone else's actions if that's the case. And it creates this fragility in your relationships. Wholeness is really about internal stability and being able to say, hey, I'm okay whether you're here or not.

6:56Like healthy relationships are not about finding your other half or whatever the movies want to say. It's about two complete individuals coming together to support each other, to grow together. That's what it comes down to. Two complete individuals coming together. And it comes from a place of I choose you versus I'm lonely and I need you. Like, think about this for a second. Do you want someone to choose you or do you want someone to need you? I don't know. Someone needing me does not sound sexy, right? Like, if you can only have one, is it choosing you or needing you? You're probably going to say someone that chooses you, right?

7:35When you expect someone to complete you, it places, and I'm going to say it again, so much unnecessary pressure on them to meet all of your emotional needs. That's too much pressure for another person. Like they've already got all their own stuff they're trying to work through. And so when you are working yourself, you're already whole and you're not looking for someone else to make you happy. You're not going to cling to anybody else. You're just simply here because I want to make your life better. And you're here because you want to make my life better as well. And so the goal really should be to find wholeness within yourself.

8:11Because when two whole people come together, the relationship then becomes a space for growth and to mutually support each other and becoming the best that you could possibly be. And then you both amplify each other's strengths and help each other evolve and become better. rather than trying to fix each other and trying to fill voids within each other's self-worth. And so it's really important to understand that no partner, no matter how wonderful, how loving, how sweet, how supportive they are, can be everything for you. And once again, that's just too much pressure for another person. So that's the second one.

8:43Number three is that love is a choice and not a feeling. It's a choice and not a feeling. And if you've never been in a real long-term relationship, I think this one's kind of hard to understand. but for those of you guys that have been in a really long-term relationship, you can kind of start to understand this, right? Because with all of the movies and the books and the rom-coms, like we think of love as this all-consuming emotion that happens and we're head over heels. It's beyond our control. No, that, what they put in movies most of the time, is called infatuation. It's not really love, right?

9:16And that's what you see in all the rom-coms and all the movies. But if you think that that's what love is all the time, then every relationship is going to fall short because a long relationship is going to have ups it's going to have downs it's going to have tragedies it's going to have people that die it's going to have needing to be there for each other you know in relationship this is going to happen but also in life there's going to be ups and downs right so the relationship is going to be up it's going to be down it's going to be up it's down life is going to be up it's going to be down it's going to be up it's going to be down in this all-consuming feeling won't be there all of the time it can be there a lot but it won't be all the time.

9:50And, you know, while you look at it and you, yes, 100%, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that love doesn't mean passion and doesn't mean any of that type of stuff. It definitely can mean that. But really, it's a choice of connection that is a series of conscious choices that we also have to make every single day. Love is a decision. It's this decision of, listen, I'm going to be here for you no matter what. I'm going to be your safe space. I think that a deep relationship with another person can be the best place to open up and heal your traumas. I think that one of the highest versions of a great loving relationship is to feel so safe with somebody that you can come to them, like you feel so safe, like literally, that nothing can make you, you could say nothing or do nothing to make them change your mind about you so that you can open up and you can tell them everything that you're afraid to tell everybody and realize they're not going to love me less.

10:51They're not going to accept me less. And if I can do that, then they can help me heal my traumas as well. That's one of the biggest things that I think people don't talk about in relationships because neuroscience actually shows when you look at it, that long-term attachment shifts from what's called dopamine driven infatuation, which is like, you know, that's why I guess you could say dopamine driven infatuation would kind of be like the honeymoon stage. That's the neurologist way of saying the honeymoon stage. And it shifts from that to what's called oxytocin-driven bonding. And oxytocin is the cuddle chemical, the love chemical.

11:26It's what we release in your brain whenever you look at your children. Because the initial high, the dopamine highs fades, but the deeper connection is built through trust, through rituals, through consistently showing up for each other and saying, hey, I'm going to be here for you no matter what. And over time, like I said, the infatuation might fade in some way. Love will still be there. You can still be passionate and love your partner as much as you can. But what remains is this decision to continue to loving and investing into your partner and them doing the same with you. So when I say choosing love, it means showing up for your partner through the difficult moments, through the mundane moments where it's not as exciting as it was before.

12:04It means being there for them when they're struggling, offering support where they're down, and making the effort to keep the relationship going strong, even at times when it's challenging. And those choices deepen love and connection over time, which creates a bond that's built on mutual trust and mutual respect and care rather than fleeting emotions. You know, long-term love requires intention and effort, you know, because there's going to be arguments that pop up. And so when arguments or conflicts pop up, remembering that love is the choice that you're both going in on this allows you to see this partner that you have with you and see the situation and say, hey, instead of fighting, I want to actually try to understand what's going on here.

12:48And I want to try to heal versus trying to win the argument or trying to prove a point. The relationship's more important than being right. And so conflict becomes an opportunity for understanding each other more, for intimacy, for trusting each other more versus division as you start to see it when love is a choice of it's us versus the problem rather than it's me versus you. And this mindset shift challenges and really makes you start to think about like, I'm going to use this relationship for deeper connection to another person and also to myself. So that's number three. And then number four, which is an important piece I want you to understand is that you are actually responsible for your own happiness.

13:31One of the most common mistakes that people do in relationships is expecting their partner to be the source of their happiness. And listen, they can make you happy. They can bring you joy. They can bring you fulfillment. But no one else can actually truly make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don't put that responsibility on someone else because nothing outside you can actually make you happy. And I've done episodes on it. If you want to search back and find episodes on happiness and how happiness is truly just an inside job and how circumstances and situations cannot make you happy, they cannot make you sad, they cannot make you depressed.

14:10It is us and our reaction to those circumstances that make us feel something. And so you can get a moment of happiness with somebody else and being there. It's like a fleeting, you know, it's like a spark. But real deep happiness starts inside. And so if you place the responsibility on your partner to fulfill that need, it's number one, it's not only unrealistic, it's also really unfair on that person as well. You know, when you depend on your partner for your happiness, you create this dynamic where your emotional state is tied to their actions, it's tied to their mood, it's tied to their behavior.

14:47You know, what if they're having a bad day? What if they're having a bad week? You know, then they can't make you happy. and this can lead to resentment, to disconnection because no one can meet all of your emotional needs all the time. And so it creates this power imbalance where one person becomes responsible for the other person's wellbeing and frankly, that can just burn your partner out. That's too much responsibility for another person. The truth is we are all responsible for our own mental and emotional health. That means taking time to understand your needs, practicing self-care. And when I say self-care, I don't mean like a bubble bath.

15:21Like they can be if you want to. I don't mean like going to get your nails done. Sure, if you want to, you can. I mean like self-cares and caring for the being that lives inside of your body. Journaling, meditation, paying attention to your needs, working out, yoga, stretching, whatever it is that you need. And then you really start to find a way to care for that person that lives inside of your body, right? That's what it comes down to. So in both partners, though, if you have a relationship where both partners take ownership of their own happiness, that relationship between those two people becomes a place of support.

15:52It becomes a place of encouragement rather than pressure and burden. So it becomes a place where both of those two people can come into this relationship and a relationship is supposed to amplify the two people. And so if you both come in knowing that I am in charge of making myself happy, then you come into that relationship and you amplify each other. And when you focus on your happiness and your own well-being, you free your partner from this sole source of happiness. that I see so many people in relationships with where they look to the other person to be happier. And if you look to yourself to be happier, it'll ask for a healthier, better, balanced relationship where both of the individuals are really here to grow and thrive.

16:35And it also really reduces the risk of codependency, which is where one person's partner becomes their source of happiness. It's entirely reliant on the other person's approval or validation or how they feel today. And codependency is not the best way to be in a relationship. And so in a healthy relationship, partners support each other's happiness and are actually there to grow, support, and make each other better. So those are the four different things. Number one, the most important relationship that you will ever have is a relationship with yourself. Number two, do not expect any other person to complete you.

17:09Number three, you have to make sure that you understand that love is a choice. It's not just a feeling that you feel inside of your body every once in a while or whenever they look a certain way. and number four, you're responsible for your own happiness. Those are the four relationship tips that I can give you. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories. Tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you're interested in checking out how you can do some coaching with me outside of the podcast, I have programs outside of just podcasts that can be kind of sporadic and about different topics.

17:41I have step-by-step processes that I can take you through. If you go to coachwithrob.com, once again, coachwithrob.com, And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission. Make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day.