Stop Trying To Make People Love You

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast and you live in the United States or Canada, and you want to receive inspirational texts from me directly to your cell phone, text me right now 512-580-9305. 512-580-9305. Today, we're going to be talking about how your need for acceptance from other people is changing who you actually are and how it's not really your job to make other people love you. Now, I do understand this.

0:45As humans, we all want to be loved. We all want to be accepted. We all want to be part of something. It's built into the human circuitry. It's what helped our species survive. In order for us to grow and become the adults that we are now, we had to have our caretakers, our parents, whoever it might have been that was there, take care of us. And we had to basically do what they needed us to do or wanted us to do in order for us to basically still be able to fit in and be able to be taken care of. At least that's how he feels. I need to do what my parents tell me to do so that therefore they continue to love me.

1:18And sometimes our quest for acceptance from other people, when we're trying to be accepted by other people, we can absolutely 100 % lose ourselves. Many people do this when they're younger and they're in relationships and you can see how they start to change themselves simply because of the people that they're hanging out around. And maybe they change themselves because they have found their truest self. But a lot of times what we do is we change ourselves and we become more like the people that we surround ourselves with so that we can fit in, so that we can feel loved, so that we can feel accepted, whether that be our friends, whether that be a romantic relationship.

1:54And we can become so focused on trying to be someone that we're not in order to fit in, in order to please others, that we actually kind of forget who we truly are. I mean, there's been many times that I've spoken with people who are 45, 50 years old. And I'm like, who are you? What do you want? Like, who are you at the core? And everyone, they're just like, I don't know anymore. I'm like, well, you need to go on a path of rediscovering who that is. It's really important to remember that it's not our job though, to be someone that we're not. It's not your job to be someone that you're not to make people love you.

2:34I did a really quick 45 second reel that I put up on Instagram about a month ago that has over a couple million views at this point where I talk about this. And I think it hits home because so many of us lose ourselves in order to fit in, but it's not your job to make people love you. Your job is to find who you are, to find your truest version of yourself and to be that person. as often as you possibly can be. And today I'm going to talk about why it's important to be your true self, but then also how you can actually go about doing that. So real quick, before we dive into that, I always like to take a step back, as you probably know, and actually look at like, why does this exist?

3:13Why do people feel the need to change themselves? And I think one of the things, and I just had a podcast episode come out about it, is the fear of rejection. Many people are afraid of being rejected or excluded from social groups or from friends groups. So they might try to change themselves in order to fit in. And this can be really true for people who have experienced rejection or bullying in the past. So one of the things is we want to fit in with other people. We have the fear of rejection. I don't want to be rejected. I want to be accepted. I want to be loved. I want to feel like I'm worthy and I'm accepted into a group of people.

3:46Another thing that really reason why we tend to change ourselves in a lot of ways is because we all have, no matter who you are, where you are, we all have cultural pressures and we all have societal pressures. When you look at cultural and societal pressures, those can really influence and change who you are. Oh, you're this gender. Oh, you're this race. Oh, you're this sexual preference. You're supposed to, quote unquote, supposed to act this way. And so what do we do? We change ourselves in order to fit in with those people, in order to fit in with people who look like us, who grew up in the same part of town as us.

4:21And so, you know, for example, like I know the one thing that a lot of women experience is some women may feel pressure to conform with traditional beauty standards. When in reality, it might be like, you know what? I don't want to wear any fucking makeup. But they might feel like, oh, I have to wear makeup or I have to dress this way. I have to act this way because that's what I've been told. You know, another thing is a lot of men can feel pressure to conform to expectations of masculinity and that's for both of us, whether it's male or female is really like, really like pushed into our brain from childhood.

4:53I remember in sports being younger where, you know, you can't cry. You've got to be a big boy. Big boys don't cry. You can't act a certain way. And so we have to, we kind of learn from childhood to conform to expectations of being masculine or being feminine or being male or female, whatever it might be. And so that's the thing that really makes us start to conform and change ourselves. Another reason why people tend to conform and change themselves is lack of self-confidence. Some people may be the type of person who has no self-confidence or very little self-confidence or self-esteem. And they believe that, you know what, if I change myself, then it might make me more attractive to other people, whether that's the opposite sex or whether that's a friends group, or maybe changing myself will make me more successful.

5:39And they may feel like they need to change their personality or appearance in order to be liked respected by others. I know for me that when I was younger, I had a really vulnerable conversation with my manager one time. I was running in a, it was a, you know, I was 22, 23 years old and I was, yeah, 22 years old. I was running the number one office in a$250 million company. And I thought I was hot shit. I thought it was awesome. And we were crushing it. We had won awards and I was running the office and all this stuff. And, you know, my mentor called me up one day and he's like, hey, can we go get some lunch?

6:14I was like, yeah, sure. Let's go get some lunch. We go to Chipotle. We get our burritos. We sit down. And he immediately just cut to the point. He goes, hey, I don't know how to tell you this, but a lot of people don't like you. And I was like, what? What do you mean a lot of people? I thought I was hot shit. I thought I was just the coolest, the best thing since sliced bread. And what I realized is that what happened through me is growing up, I had a lot of things and trauma to happen to me when I was a child. and through having a parent that was an alcoholic and through going into school and playing sports and bullying and all of these things that happened.

6:48And I morphed and changed myself over years that by the time I had gotten to that point, I had a friends group and we had surfed and we would make fun of each other and give each other shit. And then I grew up in a sales company and in a sales company, we'd compete and we'd talk trash to each other and all of this stuff. And I realized that over years of all of this, it morphed and changed me, or I guess I could say I morphed and changed myself. I want to take responsibility for it. And I kind of became an asshole. I kind of became really brash and short to the point. And I would say things to kind of cut people first so that they would know never to come and try to come and say something sharp to me because I'd always be sharper.

7:28And so I kind of changed my personality so that I felt like I would be quote unquote respected by others. And then over years, I was like, that's not who I am. Like if I think back to who I was as a child, and there's a moment that I can remember specifically when you look at childhood videos and it's my third grade, my third of, not third grade, third or fourth birthday. It's like all the kids are playing and we're outside and all that stuff. And all the kids are playing. And then my mom zooms over to the left and it's me by myself in the sandbox. And I used to be the kid that would bring rocks home to my mom and pick flowers and give it to her.

7:58And I was like, the rock giving flower picking little boy is not the asshole who's trying to cut people first to make them realize like, I should be respected. I'm the tough one here. And so over time, I realized like I'd kind of lost myself. And I was like, well, who am I again? Let me go on a path of rediscovering it. You know, and so that's one thing that really happens is, you know, we lack self-confidence. We become someone that we're not. We get into groups and over years and years and years, it's not like something that just happens overnight. over years, we kind of like just lose ourselves.

8:29And sometimes we wake up and we're like, who the hell am I? We have to go on this path of rediscovery. Another thing that really changes people, like I said, is past traumas and experiences. Past traumas or negative experiences that we have in our life can influence who we are and we can change ourselves. And we could say, well, this thing happened to me when I was younger, so I need to protect myself. In order to protect myself, I've got to act this way. And so somebody could be in, for instance, like an abusive relationship and may believe that they need to change himself in order to avoid future abuse, or they need to be meaner so that they don't attract somebody that is like that.

9:03Maybe they want to be the overpowering one in the relationship, so they're not overpowered. And so we kind of change ourselves. And it's really what it comes down to is, who the hell are you? And I've had to ask myself this many times, like look myself in the mirror and be like, dude, who the hell are you? Because you've strayed off from who you are a while ago. Who are you? Like, who do you want to be. You've made yourself into this person for that person, this person into that group, and you don't know who you are anymore, but all you know is that who you are, you don't really like much. And so who are you and who do you want to be?

9:35So let's dive into it. Let's talk about why it's really important to be your true self. You know, being your true self means being honest with who you are or in rediscovering who you are and finding out like, what do you believe in? What is the life that you want? What are your values? And not compromising those values and not changing your personality in order to fit in with a certain group of people or to please your spouse or to please your boyfriend or girlfriend or parents. But really like discovering who you truly are, finding who that is, journaling through it. It's not like a one journaling session.

10:12You're like, oh, yeah, this is who I am. It's you rediscover day after day after day and more pieces come in. Oh, that's right. I want to be this way. I used to be this way. This is who I would prefer to be here. And then you screw up and you're like, I don't want to be that way anymore. And I want to get rid of this part of my personality. And figuring out who you are, who your true self is, then being true to your true self. And it's really important for a few reasons, like why you want to be true to your true, like why you want to be true to your true self. And it's a couple different reasons.

10:41Number one, when you find out who you truly are and when you start stepping into that confidently, it really does help you start to build self-confidence. When you're true to yourself, you can feel more confident in your own skin. You don't have to pretend to be someone else, pretend to be someone that you're not because pretending to be someone that you're not putting on a mask, it's exhausting. It's draining. And instead, what you can do is you can start to focus on developing your own strengths, your own skills, being proud of who you actually are. So it helps you build your confidence. Another thing that it really helps, it helps you with your relationships as well.

11:15When you're not true to yourself, it's really hard to find somebody who would love your true self. When you're true to yourself, though, and you're acting like your true self, you attract people who share the same values as you, who share the same interests as you. And you're more likely to develop really meaningful relationships, authentic relationships, based on mutual interests, mutual respects, understandings, all of that. If you're always trying, think about this for a second. It's pretty crazy. If you're always trying to be someone else, if you're always trying to be someone that you're not, then you will attract people who vibe with the fake version of you, which means you will attract people who don't truly understand and appreciate the real you.

12:00They like the fake you. They don't like the real you. And so it's really important because you're going to start attracting people who are not the type of people you want around or not the true. They don't like the true version of you. And then when you want to switch, they might be like, well, who the hell is this? I thought you were this person, right? And so it's really important to say, this is who I am. This is what I value in a step truly into being that person. Cause then you will attract people who actually like you. If you're being a fake version of yourself or who you think you should be, you will only attract people who like the fake version of you.

12:30And they don't truly understand and appreciate the real version of you. So that's another thing. Another thing it really helps with is help you make better decisions. And so when you know who you are and you know what you want in life and you are really firm in that, you can then make decisions that align with your values and your goals. You're less likely to make choices based on other people's pressures or expectations. And you're really more likely to make choices that reflect your desires, reflect your needs. And so the natural question that comes from that is, all right, cool, this all sounds great, but like how in the hell do I find out who I am?

13:06How do I find my truest self? Well, it's not like a one-time thing. It's a process that takes time. It takes self-reflection and you're constantly losing yourself and finding yourself, I think, throughout your entire life. So here's a couple of steps that I think will really help you. Number one, I think it's very important to identify your values. You know, and one of the best ways to say, what are my values is if you were at your funeral and you were listening to people talk about you, What would you want them to say about you? Your values are your principles and your beliefs that guide your behaviors in all of your decisions.

13:40And so take some time. Think about it. What matters most to you in your life? What principles do you want to live by? What causes do you feel passionate about? How do you want to be talked about after you're dead? Because they won't talk about what you did or how much money you made. They're going to talk about what type of person you were. What do you want them to say? And once you've identified those values, make sure that you're trying to live in alignment with them as much as possible. I promise you, you're going to notice yourself slipping. You're going to mess up. We all mess up over and over and over again.

14:07That's what being a human is. It's messing up. You're going to get lost and then find yourself. And then lost, you'll find yourself. So you're going to notice yourself slipping. And when you do, just bring yourself back. So that's the first thing. The second thing is try to understand your personality. Your personality, really more than anything else, is the traits, the behaviors, the characteristics that make you just exactly who you are. So reflect on that. What is your personality? What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? What do you like about yourself? What do you not like about yourself?

14:36What do you want to improve about yourself? And then figure out what your strengths are. Figure out how you can get better at your strengths. If you want to improve some of your weaknesses, you can improve some of them or just say, yeah, I suck at this and that's fine. I'm okay with sucking at this thing. And so you really start to figure out exactly what your personality is. And you're like, who do I want to be? How do I want to act? What do I want to be interested in? Then what type of person do I want to be until the day I die? And that's what we're really trying to uncover here. The next thing is that kind of goes along with this to help you get a little bit better is to figure out what your interests are.

15:08What activities do you love? What activities bring you joy? What activities bring you fulfillment? What hobbies do you enjoy? What did you love doing as a kid? Or what did you love doing and you haven't done in 10 years? What sports, what interests do you have? Maybe you've gotten so busy with the kids and with work that you haven't done X, Y, Z in so long. And you're like, damn, I used to love doing that. I'm going to start doing that again. I'm going to find some people that are interested in that. Maybe you're like, you know what? I kind of think I want to get into some pickleball. Play some pickleball.

15:37See if you like it. Maybe you're going to make some new friends. You know, just try to do new things. I think all too often as we get older, what I notice about people is that we just do, we're like, I kind of like this thing. I kind of like this. And this is what I do on my day. And this is how I am. And this is who I am. And we stay that person until we die. And it's like, that sucks. Like, let's figure out if there's other versions of us, other interests, other hobbies, other things that we can do. So that's the next thing is to explore your interests. The next thing after that is just learn to be a little bit more honest with yourself.

16:08You know, be honest. It's okay to be honest. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't be an asshole, but be honest. Like you need to be honest about who you are, what you want, what you're willing to do to achieve your goals. You know, what you're willing to die for, the flag that you're going to put in the ground and say, this is who I am. And don't be afraid to admit your strengths and your weaknesses. And don't be afraid to acknowledge when you're wrong. Like when you're being honest and you're being true to yourself, the first step in really trying to start doing that is identifying it. And then just saying, yeah, I'm going to be honest with myself.

16:40When I slip, I'm going to get myself back on track. That's who I said I want to be. This is, you know, what, Rob? You screwed up. Let's get you back on track. I'm not going to guilt you. I'm not going to shame you. But like, what you said back there was not the truest version of yourself. you should probably go apologize and then you should notice when it starts to come up again so that you don't do that another time so you know what can you do to start to once you've now identified that true version of yourself what can you do to um to be true to yourself you know once you've discovered that truest version of yourself which always going to be use refining and stuff like that.

17:18The next step is to really try to figure out a way to live in a way that reflects that true version of yourself. And so there's a few tips. The first thing I want to say is once you've discovered who you are, is start setting boundaries. Start setting boundaries with yourself, but also start setting boundaries with other people. Boundaries are really important for protecting your sense of self more than anything else. And what I see with people with boundaries is that a lot of people don't really have a whole... They're not really good with boundaries. And so I would say boundaries are kind of like a three-step process.

17:49Number one, you've got to get really clear on what your boundaries are, who you are, what you want to do, what you stand for, what you don't stand for, how you're going to act, how you're going to be treated, how you're going to allow other people to treat you, what you're not going to allow them to do or say to you. So you've got to get really clear on what your boundaries are. The second thing you need to do is you need to communicate those verbally to other people about what your boundaries are. Hey, this is what I believe. This is what I see. This is who I'm going to be. This is how I'm going to act.

18:16I'd appreciate it if you would just respect these boundaries from now on. Now, will everybody respect them? A hundred percent? No. Most people will not. And so then what you have to do is step three, which is stay firm on your boundaries. Okay. You get clear on them, you communicate them, and then stay firm. And you let people know when they have overstepped your boundaries. Hey, do you remember when I said about X, Y, Z? Well, yeah, I just noticed this. And I would appreciate it once again, if you would respect the boundaries that I have with this. And so that's the first thing is kind of become clear what your boundaries are.

18:45The next thing is speak your truth. Don't be an asshole, but speak your truth. You know, it can be really difficult to speak your truth, especially when it might be not really popular with some people. It might be controversial. But really what you have to do is just start to speak your truth. Start to speak with more of who you truly are. You know, one thing for me, I've said it before, I had 650 podcast episodes of this podcast before I ever really started truly cussing. I wasn't my true self, like fully true. I was like 99 % there. And then, you know, do I get negative reviews of people who say that they don't like me cussing?

19:19Yeah, but am I going to hold back my true self for, you know, 1 % of people? No, I'm going to step into my true self. And if I attract people who love it, I'm going to attract people who love it. Am I going to have people who I'm not their cup of tea? Absolutely. And so you've just got to learn who you truly are and then speak your truth as long as you're not hurting other people. And then really what it comes down to is you're different, you're unique. You've got to learn to embrace your uniqueness. As you discover who you truly are and you start stepping into it, what's really interesting is you start loving that version of yourself.

19:49If you don't love yourself as you currently are, it's because your true self is noticing that there's a fake version of yourself that you've created. And your true self will never love your fake self. And so embrace your uniqueness and start stepping into it and be true to it and speak your truth. And as you start doing it, you'll start falling in love with yourself more often. You'll be accepting of yourself. You won't be so hard on yourself. and you'll start to embrace yourself a little bit more and more. And then last thing that I would say is start surrounding yourself with people who are really supportive of you, who love that version of you and find your people.

20:22Some people that are around you are your people. Some people that are around you right now might not be your people. But what does your people look like and how can you start to bring people around you and attract people who love you for who you truly are? So that's it. That's what I got for you for today's episode. It's not your job to make other people love you. It's your job to figure out who you are, to step into that version of yourself and you will attract people who love you. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories.

20:47Tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.