Talk to Yourself Like This and Your Life Will Change

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1:38Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll probably love the live event that I'm doing later on this year. If you want to join the wait list to be the first to learn about it and to get massive discounts for my in-person event in Austin, Texas later on this year. Go to freedomwaitlist.com. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com. Today, I'm going to teach you how to talk to yourself because let's be honest, are you an asshole to yourself?

2:13Because so many people are so terrible to themselves in their heads and they don't realize that if they don't change that inner voice that they will never feel different in their own mind and in their own body. And honestly, who wants to feel terrible in your own body? Because you can have all of the success and the business and the money and the external things that you want, but still feel miserable inside of your own body because you did not change your inner dialogue. Success, money, achievements does not change the way that you feel or talk to yourself. And trust me, I coach people who have more money than you can imagine, but their inner voice turns what could be heaven into hell.

2:58And so today I want to talk to you about the most important relationship that you will ever have in your entire life, no matter what. And I'm not talking about your marriage. I'm not talking about your relationship with your kids. I'm not talking about your relationship with your parents or your boss or your friends. I'm talking about the relationship with you. that is the most important relationship you ever have. All of the other ones, they definitely matter a lot. But your relationship with you, your own inner connection, affects everything and everyone around you. More specifically, I want to talk to you about the voice that's inside of your head.

3:31Because that voice is with you all day long. It's with you when you wake up. It's with you when you look in the mirror right after you get out of the shower. It's there when you make a mistake on something that's important to you. It's there when you're trying to figure out if you should try something new. It's there when you're scared, when you're excited, when you're failing, when you're growing, and when you're dreaming bigger than your current identity knows how to actually handle. And for a lot of people, that voice is not supportive. It's critical. It's harsh. It's judgmental. And that voice says things like, you're not good enough.

4:04You always mess this up. You're so stupid. You're ugly. You'll never figure this out. Who do you think that you are? And so the craziest part about all of this is when you really dive into psychology, you, you can find out where that voice came from. It's not your voice. That's the craziest part about it. It might be the voice in your head, but you did not design that voice. Most people never step back and ask like, whose voice is this? Because psychologists are pretty much have almost a consensus that have found out that the voice inside of your head is often the internal voice, like the internalized voice of your primary caregivers.

4:40Meaning the way that you speak to yourself is usually how your parents spoke to you or gardens, grandparents, teachers, early caregivers spoke to you growing up as well. This is really crazy and I want you to understand this. You didn't just learn how to speak from your parents. You didn't just learn your ABCs from your parents. You didn't learn how to count, just like how to count from them, tie your shoes, brush your teeth, say please and thank you and not also learn how to speak to yourself through all of that learning you learned the abcs you learned a tree was a tree but you also learned how they speak to me is how i speak to myself wow think about that for a second you learn that from the way that they spoke to you and so if they were supportive and patient and encouraging and loving there's a pretty a chance that your internal voice has some of that in it.

5:37But if they happen to be critical or impatient or dismissive or angry or impossible to please, there's a pretty good chance that your inner voice might have learned some of that too. And I want to be very clear here. I'm not trying to blame your parents for anything. I don't want you to blame your parents for the rest of your life because at some point healing as an adult requires us to say, okay, listen, like this may not have started with me, but it has to change with me. That's what being adult is. Like that's what it is. That's self-leadership. That's the moment where you stop letting an old voice run your whole operating system of your life.

6:16Because if you do not change the way that you speak to yourself, that voice will limit you. Not because the voice is telling the truth, because most of the time it's actually not the truth. It's just the repetition of what you've been thinking for a long time. Whatever you repeat long enough, you will eventually start to believe. Do you understand that? You'll eventually start to believe whatever you think the most. Not because it is true here in reality. It's because it feels true to you in your head because you've said it so many times. And that's a huge difference. It doesn't mean it's true in reality.

6:49You think it's true in your head, but it's not true in reality. I need you to like really, really understand this. A thought can feel true and not be true. I'm not lovable, can feel true. I'm behind, can feel true. I'm always a failure, can feel true. I'm too much, can feel true. I'm too loud, I'm not enough, can feel true. Yet all of those things can feel true and not actually be true. They're just old programmings that you've repeated so many times that your brain now acts like they are a fact. Your brain is like cosmic Google. right? You go into Google and you type something in and you're going to get some sort of answer, right?

7:29Whatever you type into it, it goes, searches the entire internet, finds evidence for it, and then gives it to you. Like for instance, if you go into Google right now and you type in, is coffee bad for your eyesight? There are studies and websites that say coffee is bad for your eyesight. But if you go into Google and say, is coffee good for your eyesight? There are studies and websites that say coffee is good for your eyesight. And so if you go in there and you type into your brain, why am I such a failure? And you ask yourself that, your brain will go, um, cool. Let me pull up some of the archives.

8:01And then it will show you that time that you failed in that relationship and the time that you failed in that business and the time that you, you study really hard for a test and you still bombed the thing that you started that was important to you and you got scared and quit. It will always find what you're looking for. you will always find what you're looking for you have to ask yourself though what am i looking for am i looking for how i'm not good enough not smart enough not pretty if i'm a failure how i'm going to be a loser i'll be alone forever am i looking for that or am i looking for something better and we will be right back before i am eight i had way too many things in my routine different supplements powders vitamins and honestly it was hard to stay consistent since starting IM8, it simplified everything for me into one easy habit every morning.

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11:19That's it. There's no catch. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to$15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And now, back to the show. If you say, you know, how do I fuck up? It'll go brrrp. Remember that mistake that you made 14 years ago that nobody else remembers? Well, your brain has saved that in 4k. Let's go ahead and replay it for you. Your brain will always try to answer the question that you give it, what are you asking of it? You got to give it better questions.

12:00So instead of saying like, why am I like this? Start asking yourself, what am I learning right now? Right? This is really hard. Why am I always like this? Why is it so hard for me to study? Why is it so hard for me to get things? Hey, what am I learning right now? Instead of going like, why do I always mess things up? Why do I always fuck up everything? Ask yourself, how can I support myself through this right now? Those are two completely different questions. And the questions that you ask yourself will give you whatever it is that you're looking for. Instead of asking yourself, like, what's wrong with me?

12:31You could ask yourself a question like, hey, what part of me really needs support right now? Those are two completely different answers that you're going to get. Do you see that? Because a shift in words is a shift in perspective. And a shift in perspective can shift your entire life. One of the things that I do as a coach, And what most coaches do, like good coaches do, is they don't change your life. They don't tell you what to do. They change your perspective because usually your perspective is the problem. And if you can shift the perspective and you can see something from a different angle, that old perspective has to fall.

13:06And now you have to rebuild a new perspective, which can be a more beneficial perspective that actually helps you build your life in the direction you want to go. And I want you to do this real quick with me, okay? I want everybody to do this. I want you to think of somebody that you love, like more than anything else in the world. Like maybe it's your daughter, maybe it's your son, maybe it's your husband or wife, maybe it's like your little niece or nephew, preferably somebody who still has some innocence left in them. Maybe it's a little kid, right? If you could think of your niece or nephew or kids, someone who still has some innocence left in them, right?

13:39And I want you to picture the face, like I really want you to do this right now. Like think of them for a second. Think of how much you love this person. And then I want you to imagine them making some sort of mistake. Imagine that they fail at something important to them. Imagine that they try something new and it doesn't work out. Imagine that they look at you and say, you know what? Like, I don't think I could do this. I don't think that I'm good enough. Would you ever speak to them in that moment the way that you speak to yourself? Would you? Would you ever speak to them the way that you speak to yourself?

14:12Would you say, yeah, you're right. You're pathetic. Would you say, wow, yeah, like you really are far behind for your age. Would you say something like, yeah, you know what? You do always ruin everything. Or would you say like, yeah, you know what? Nobody is going to love you. Of course not. You would never say that to them. You would get down to their level. You would soften your voice. You would look at them in the eyes with as much love as you could possibly bring. And you'd say, hey, it's okay. Like you're learning. I'm proud of you for trying. This doesn't define you. You're getting better and I love you.

14:47Why don't you talk to yourself that way? Seriously, why? Why does the person that you spend every second of your life with get the worst version of your voice? Why does that other person get your compassion and your encouragement and your patience and your softness, which they do deserve. Don't get me wrong. They do deserve it. I don't want you to stop giving it to them. But why did you not treat yourself the same way? Like, I really want you to think about this deeply. Like I'm at the point where my son is young and he's, he's learning things and he's messing things up. And I am trying to be as supportive as I possibly can all of the time.

15:26Like the other day, he knocked something over and spilled something all over the place. And I know a lot of people from childhood, like as adults are still holding themselves back because they spilled something as an adult or they broke a glass and they got yelled at for it. And so of course the immediate reaction is like a knee jerk reaction. Be like, and I got to stop myself. And I want you to be like, Hey, I got to sit down with him. I'm like, Hey bud, it's okay. Don't worry. Like you just spilled milk. It's not a big deal. It's completely okay. We'll clean it up. Things break. We're not perfect.

15:57It's okay. Why don't you speak to yourself the same way that you would speak to that person? Like, I really want you to think about it deeply. How would your life change if you spoke to yourself the same way that you speak to that person that we're talking about, that child that we're talking about? How much more confident would you be? How much faster would you recover from failure? How much more would you try? How much less would you self-sabotage? Hmm, how about this one? How much more peace do you think that you would feel in your own body? Because you have to be your biggest fan. You have to be supportive of yourself.

16:33You cannot be your worst enemy and then wonder why things feel so heavy. And I've done this before and I've messed this up. You cannot beat yourself into confidence. I promise you. I've tried it, it didn't work. You cannot shame yourself into self-worth. You cannot bully yourself into becoming the highest version of yourself. That's not how it works. Positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement. I don't give a shit about what any, oh, well, my parents used to spank me or my mom used to do this to me and I turned out okay. It's been proven. Positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement.

17:06For your children, if you have children, understand that, please. And for yourself. So think about that. And this is like where most people tend to get it wrong because they think like, oh, well, if I'm hard on myself, that's what keeps me successful, right? Like if I stop criticizing myself, then I'll get lazy. I've thought that. Most very successful people think that. No, well, if I get healed, I'm going to lose all of my ambition. No, dude. There's a massive difference between self-accountability and self-abuse. Self-accountability says like, hey, listen, I can do better and I know I'm capable of doing better.

17:42Self-abuse says I'm a piece of shit because I didn't do it better. You get that? I've been both people, believe me, and I know most people have. Those are two very different energies. One grows you and calls you forward and supports yourself, the other shrinks you. It keeps you stuck in shame. And shame is a terrible long-term coach. It will not work. Like it might get you moving for like a minute, but eventually it will burn down your nervous system. And so what do you do? You start practicing a new voice. That's what you have to do. And I mean practicing, like practicing 10, 20, 30 times a day.

18:16You might need to practice this. I really want you to understand it. Like you need to, we all need to work on our own inner connection, our personal relationship with ourselves. You were born with one person to take care of. Act like you are in charge of taking care of this person that you are. Understand that your first thought is usually just your conditioning. It comes from somebody else, somewhere else. You cannot always control your first thought, but you can control your second thought. And your first thought might be like, I'm such an idiot. I get it. I understand. That's the old pattern.

18:51But how would you speak to that person that you love? Would you be like, yeah, you're such an idiot? No? Okay, well then the second thought, right? Hey, listen, you made a mistake. You're learning. That's fine. The mistake doesn't mean that you're a mistake. You're not a mistake. You messed up. You're going to do better next time. I love you. I believe in you. You can do it. Second thought is where your freedom begins. And if you repeat this second thought enough times, eventually the second thought does become the first thought. This is how you reprogram yourself. It's your practice, right? And this is the practice I really want you to get down, right?

19:26I'm going to give you an assignment. I want you to try this for the next seven days. I want you to catch your inner voice. I don't want you to judge it. I don't want you to shame it. I don't want you to get mad at yourself. I want you to notice it. And then I want you to what psychologists call cognitively reframe it. Cognitively reframing is to notice a thought and then reframe it to a second thought that you choose. When you hear yourself say something cruel, pause and ask, would I say this to that person's name? Whoever that is. Would I say this to Jonathan? Would I say this to Stacey? Whoever it is.

20:01If the answer is no, ask yourself, what would I say to them in this situation? Act like you're speaking to the person that you love the most. How would you speak to them if they were going through this? and then close your eyes and you're like, you should take a deep breath and just like, put your hand on your chest and just sit for a second and like make a connection with yourself. And you can say, Hey, listen, talk to yourself exactly like you would talk to them. I'm proud of you for trying. You're allowed to be new at this. Like you're safe. You're learning. You can do hard things and you don't have to be perfect to be worthy.

20:31Yes. I know it's weird at first. It's so weird, especially for me as a guy, because we're taught to be like big guys, don't cry and get shit done and don't be a fucking wimp and all of this stuff, right? So it feels weird at first. It feels kind of corny. Do it anyways. It doesn't take long for it to start to feel comfortable. You start to like settle in and your nervous system kind of settles into your body, which it may have never done in your entire life because that old voice only feels natural because it's familiar and familiar does not mean healthy. For me, over the past 20 years, one of the biggest things that I focus on is making sure that the most supportive person in my life is me.

21:08It's like a competition with myself and with other people. I am going to be more supportive than anybody else in my world. And it's not that I don't like need other people. No, I do like we all do. But because I am the only person who's guaranteed to be with me every single day for the rest of my life. And this isn't like me trying to blow smoke up my own ass. I think that I'm fucking awesome. I didn't always think I was awesome though. Like I really, really do. Like I've been through so much shit and I still continue to grow and still continue to keep pushing. And I support myself every single step of the way.

21:40And I think that you should recognize the same within yourself, right? I refuse to spend my life living with an enemy inside my own head. And I want you to refuse that as well. I want you to become the safest place in your own life. I want you to become the voice that says, keep going. Like, I believe in you. You're not broken. you're growing because the way you speak to yourself becomes the way that you experience yourself. And the way that you experience yourself is the way that you experience the world and the way that you move through the world. So today, just like try to notice that voice and then just ask yourself, what would I say to Jonathan?

22:16And just start changing your tone, changing your voice. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's just one thought at a time, right? You're listening. You're always listening. Your brain is always listening. Your body's listening. Like your future is listening. So speak to yourself like someone that you love deeply because you need to be someone that you love deeply. So that's what I got for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want to learn more about the waitlist to come to my in-person event in Austin, Texas later this year, once again, go to freedomwaitlist.com.

22:51Once again, freedomwaitlist.com. And I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day. What's up, sports fans? I'm Rachel Demita, here to tell you about my show, Courtside Club. If you love hoops and hot takes, then you're in the right place. Want to hear about Caitlin Clark's unstoppable rise in the WNBA? How stars like Wemby and Luka Doncic are dominating the NBA? Or maybe you just want the tea on this week's most viral sports moments. Don't worry, we'll keep you updated on all of it.

23:23So grab your popcorn and come hang with us. Courtside. You can listen to Courtside Club wherever you get your podcasts. Who knew Walmart business could help a thriving office motivate their employees? Pamela knew she uses Walmart business to get the assortment of items her team needs at the prices she loves. As the office manager, it's my job to make sure my team stays on top of their game. I can get the basics like cleaning supplies and paper towels, but what they really care about snacks and she can get everything they need when they need it. Greg loves wheat crackers, Brenda Crave Sour Candy, and Max Oval.