The Power of Choosing Yourself

0:00Guys, let's face it. As we get older, we can't just skip sleep and eat whatever we want and still feel great the next day. But if you're entering your men's health era, you know it can feel complicated. Sprouts Farmer's Market makes it easier. Not only does Sprouts have the high protein foods, nutrient-dense organic produce, and innovative snacks your body craves, it's also got the newest supplements, vitamins, joint support, even creatine to help get you feeling more like you used to. whether it's men's health or any other health journey, it's easier at Sprouts Farmer's Market. Hey, a bad hire can really cost your business and a great hire can really accelerate your business.

0:39Running a small business means every hire really matters. A bad hire can cost you time and money and momentum and a good hire can help grow your business immensely. Finding great talent isn't easy when you don't have the time or resources to sift through resumes. LinkedIn's new hiring pro screens candidates for you. So instead of sorting through applicants, you can spend time talking to only the right ones. Get started by posting your job for free at linkedin.com slash dial. Terms and conditions apply. Did you know that our body burns through magnesium faster than we can replace it? And magnesium is what our nervous system actually needs to wind down for sleep.

1:14Magnesium Breakthrough by BiOptimizers can help you sleep better, feel calmer, and wake up with real energy. Go to buyoptimizers.com slash mindsetmentor and use code mindsetmentor for 15 % off your entire order plus a free bottle of Maszymes, buy optimizers best-selling digestive enzyme. Make 2026 the year you finally start sleeping great again.

1:44Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week, every single week to help you learn and grow and improve yourself. So if that's something that you want to do so you can improve your life, subscribe and I'll see you on every episode. Today, I'm going to be talking about something extremely powerful, the power of choosing yourself in your life. Because let me ask you something, how many times have you known exactly what you want to say and then you said something else?

2:21How many times have you felt a clear no in your body but you still said yes for some reason? And then you walk away and there's this quiet feeling deep down inside of you. It's not like a loud screaming feeling. It's not dramatic but it's this subtle thought, this subtle feeling inside of you that's like, why do I keep doing that to myself? Like why do I keep abandoning myself for other people. And we're going to dive into it and talk about why and then how to actually fix it. Because here's the truth. You abandon yourself because somewhere along the way in your childhood, it worked. Think about that for a second.

3:00You learned to abandon yourself somewhere along the way because it worked for you. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, when you were younger, choosing yourself wasn't always safe. For most people that I've met and coached along the way choosing yourself is not safe. It's not what your parents want you to do and they want you to do something else. A lot of people you know love comes with conditions in their their childhood when they were younger. Maybe approval only came when you performed and when you got good grades or when you won a baseball game. Maybe peace came in the house when you stayed quiet and tried to be unseen.

3:41Maybe there was some chaos that was in the house and you had to be someone different than you truly were in order to keep the peace inside of the house. But somewhere along the way, you learned that you needed to abandon your true self because it was in your best interest to do so. Like, let that land in your bones for a second. Somewhere along the way in your life, you learned that you needed to abandon yourself because it was in your best interest to do so. And so what happens over time is because you start playing out this pattern over and over and over again, your brain adapted, not just emotionally, but actually neurologically.

4:22Like you actually unconsciously wired yourself to be somebody different. And now it's really hard to break. and then even though you're not a child anymore, you still do it. Even though you don't need to do it, you still do it. It is a habit. It is a pattern that you have created. So now you're an adult and you're living out an adult life, but you're stuck in an old pattern from your childhood that is no longer necessary. So you're sitting there and you're like, oh my god, I want to stop being this way. I want to change myself. I don't want to constantly abandon myself and be a people pleaser all the time, but you don't really know how to stop.

5:01And so let's talk about how to actually do it. Because when you look at your brain, like your brain only really has one primary job. You've heard me say this tons of times in the podcast. Your brain's primary job is to keep you safe. It is not trying to keep you happy. It's trying to keep you safe and alive. And so your amygdala, which is your brain's threat detector, doesn't respond just to physical danger. It responds to social threats. What is a social threat? Rejection is a social threat. Disapproval, conflict. And so when you actually look at psychological research, it actually shows that social rejection, like rejection or failure in front of people or disapproval or conflict or being judged, activates the same brain regions as physical pain.

5:48And so your brain literally has linked being disliked to being hurt physically, even though you're not physically being hurt. And so your brain over time has developed a strategy. And it's basically the strategy, if I stay liked, then I stay safe. And so I don't want to hurt. And so I will do anything that I think I need to do in order to be accepted or to keep the peace. Does this make sense to you? Is this hitting home? I really want you to understand this. It's crazy because your brain actually lights up the physical pain regions when you have social rejection or you're not liked by somebody or you feel like you're being judged.

6:30And so over time, you just patterned yourself to be a certain way, even though it's not your true self. And so you fast forward to today and you're not that little kid anymore. You got older, you're in an older body, you've got some wrinkles, maybe you've got some gray hairs, you're in a completely different environment than you were in your childhood, but your nervous system, it didn't get the memo. It didn't get updated. So you're basically like operating in your adult body with a childhood mind, with childhood fears and worries and childhood beliefs. It's kind of like trying to use an iPhone today that's 10, 15 years old.

7:10It didn't get updated. It's not gonna work really well. And so you still do the same things that you learned in childhood. So that's why you abandoned yourself. That's why we abandon ourselves and why we show up this way. And so now as an adult, it shows up as you over explain yourself, you apologize too much, you avoid conflict, you say yes when you really want to say no deep down inside of you. You get quiet and you shrink in rooms where you really should be expanding and trying to be your true self. You people please and you abandon what your true wants and needs are. And the crazy part is you're aware of it.

7:47Like you're smart. You know that you're doing it. but you still do it. Damn it. We still do it though, don't we? Why is that? Because awareness doesn't override conditioning. Repetition does. Being aware of the things you want to overcome doesn't change your conditioning. Awareness doesn't change it. Conditioning. The only way to change your conditioning is repetition. That's you taking a different action repeatedly. That's the only thing that actually makes changes. So your brain is wired based off of repetition, not what you would prefer. So if you've abandoned yourself for such a long time, and the more that you abandon yourself, the stronger those pathways become in your brain.

8:28And so the more that you actually decide to take a different action and you decide to choose yourself, the stronger those pathways are actually going to become. That's neuroplasticity, your brain's ability to change itself. You're practicing, literally practicing, a version of yourself every single day. And we will be right back. Hey, showing up for yourself day in and day out and doing the hard things is what creates a better life. And noon hydration helps you stay moving with the real deal. Activated hydration built to support you through those moments that challenge you. Noon hydration tablets deliver clean ingredients and optimize electrolytes that hydrate better than water alone.

9:10Especially when you're sweating or on the go. The tablets dissolve quickly, taste great, and come in a single, no-mess tube that you can take anywhere. Noon is designed for people who value whole self-growth, community, and the joy of showing up for themselves through movement, exploration, and effort. And at less than$1 per serving, it's easy to make part of your routine. Shop Noon Hydration at NoonLife.com. That's N-U-U-N Life.com. and fuel your next hard thing. IXL is an award-winning online learning platform that helps kids truly understand what they're learning, whether they're building math confidence, strengthening reading and writing skills, or reviewing science concepts.

9:57IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the US, and studies show kids who use IXL score higher on tests, proven in all 50 states. That's why I've been using IXL Learning. I love that it gives instant feedback with clear explanations, everything's organized by grade level and I can easily track their progress. Plus it's flexible enough to fit around travel camps and a busy summer schedule. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and the Mindset Mentor listeners can get an exclusive 20 % off IXL membership when they sign up today at IXL.com slash Mindset Mentor. Visit IXL.com slash Mindset Mentor to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.

10:40Mint Mobile plans are only$15 per month. Wondering, what's the catch? There isn't one. There are no gimmicks and no gotchas. Just unlimited talk, text, and data. Fast, reliable coverage on the nation's largest 5G network and an award-winning care team. That makes Mint Mobile a catch. Since switching to Mint Mobile, I've stopped stressing every month when my phone bill hits. I'm paying way less. My service still works great and honestly, I wish I would have switched sooner. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash mentor. That's mintmobile.com slash mentor.

11:16Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash mentor. That's it. There's no catch. $45 upfront payment required equivalent to$15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And now back to the show. So the real question isn't really like, hey, why do I keep doing this? The real question is what version of me have I been practicing? And then like what version of me do I want to practice instead? If I've been choosing other people for the past 47 years, I need to get to a point where I'm like, no, damn it.

11:59I'm going to choose myself from now on. I'm going to choose myself. I'm going to put myself first because if I improve myself and put myself first, everybody that I love in my life's life's get better. and so here's where we really need to get honest with ourselves. You're not just choosing other people over yourself. You're choosing temporary emotional safety over long-term self-trust. Life is really simple. It's not complex. We try to make it more complex than it is. Life is simple. You become what you repeatedly do. It's not magic. It's not like unknown. You become what you repeatedly do. That's it.

12:34You are born looking like your parents but you will die looking like your decisions. One of my favorite quotes. So what decisions are you making on who you want to be every day? What decisions are you making on who you're choosing and putting first every single day? Because in the moment, saying yes when you truly want to say no feels way easier. Avoiding tension feels safer. Keeping the peace feels like it's something that's smart, something that you should do. But every time you do it, you create a micro fracture inside of yourself. It is a teeny tiny breaking of trust and you're doing it 10 or 100 or a thousand times a day and your brain it notices it doesn't go unnoticed your brain's always collecting data evidence about who you are and how you operate in the world so every time you do something you don't want to do or you ignore your truth your brain logs it as i don't have my own back or you know like i i don't show up for myself i care about other people more than i care about myself i abandoned my own needs and over time, this becomes your identity.

13:34And once it becomes your identity, it's not just a pattern. It's also who you believe that you are. Now that's really hard to change. Oh, I'm not confident. I'm not decisive. I am a people pleaser. I'm not trustworthy. And what makes it so hard is, is the cost of those teeny tiny decisions is not like, it's not immediate. Usually it's, you're getting some short-term benefit. You're not getting into a fight. You know, there's no attention, but the cost isn't immediate. It's cumulative. You don't notice the consequences in the moment, but 10 years down the road, you notice the consequences. That self-abandonment doesn't just destroy your life overnight.

14:09It slowly erodes it like water flowing over a rock, slowly erodes your confidence, slowly erodes your sense of self until one day you wake up and you think like, I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. Right? And maybe you've gotten yourself to that and that's okay. So we need to actually learn to choose ourself. So how do we actually choose ourself? Not in like theory or like, you know, weird ways. Like how do we in real life choose ourself? Let me give you a step-by-step process. Okay. The first thing that you want to do, step number one is to start catching the micro moments. Like choosing yourself doesn't happen in big moments.

14:49It's not like one big, like, oh, I'm going to quit my job because it's my passion to go be a painter. That could be it, but it's not those big moments. It's these micro moments throughout your day. These teeny tiny ones, they might happen 10 times a day, 50 times a day, a hundred times a day. You know, when you, you want to speak up, but you don't, when you want to leave, but you stay, when you want to say no, but you say yes, those teeny tiny micro moments. This is where you need to actually start and you need to become aware of them because you cannot change something that you're not aware of.

15:21And you start to think about it and you notice, I wanted to speak up and I didn't. Like, where did I just abandon myself? Why did I do that? Like, is that what I truly want? And really what you want to do is you want to get curious. One of the best ways to start to change yourself is to stop being so freaking judgmental of yourself and stop guilting yourself and shaming yourself, but get curious. yes why the hell did I just do that like why did I say yes when I wanted to say no why did I do that what do I truly want you need to become keenly aware of yourself all too often like for decades at this point I've been coaching people for 20 years over 20 years at this point I've heard so many people say I thought I knew myself until I started really working on myself like the way you taught and then I realized I didn't know myself at all so you need to become keenly aware of yourself and you'll start becoming aware of your patterns.

16:17A lot of people are aware of what they do, but they're not really aware of their patterns or why their patterns exist in the first place. So you have to become keenly aware of yourself. You cannot change anything that you're not aware of. And so the first thing is you got to catch those micro moments. The second thing is that when you start to choose yourself, step two, expect it to feel wrong. Like don't expect it to feel right. Please don't. Choosing yourself will not feel good at first. Be okay with that. You're going to feel like you're selfish. It's going to feel extremely uncomfortable. It's going to feel wrong.

16:53It's not going to feel good. It's going to feel like anxiety. It's going to scare the shit out of you. Why? Because your nervous system thinks that it's a threat. It thinks that it's a threat because you've trained yourself to think that to abandon yourself is your normal pattern. So to choose yourself, it's going to feel wrong, not because it is wrong, but because it's unfamiliar. Do you get that? Like not because it's actually wrong, but because it's just unfamiliar. You trained it one way, doing something different feels wrong and it feels unsafe. Your emergency signals will go off inside of your body.

17:29Worry, threat, fear, all of that. Discomfort is not a sign that you're doing something wrong though. It's a sign that you're doing something new. I wish everybody could get that tattooed on their arm. Like it's not a sign. Feeling discomfort is not a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's just a sign that you're doing something new and that's okay. So being uncomfortable and scared to do something is actually a sign that you're doing it right. It's actually a sign that you're starting to choose yourself, that you're starting to take new action, that you're starting to build a new identity.

18:02So that's step number two. Step Step number three is to build self-trust. You need more evidence that you have your own back. This is huge, like massive for people. You need to build up more evidence that you have your own back. Self-trust is built like this. You listen to yourself. You act on it. You prove to your brain that you're safe. And then you repeat it over and over and over again. That's it. It's simple. It's not easy. It is not easy, but you must do it. You have to do that. You have to listen to yourself. What do I want? What do I truly want deep down inside of me? And then you have to act on that thing.

18:47And you have to go, hey, I just acted on that thing. Brain, do you see that we're safe? Do you see that we're okay? Yeah, I'm safe. Everything's okay. Okay, well, then I don't need to worry so much about it. And then you do it over and over and over again, whether that's 10 times a day, whether that's 75 times a day. and the reason why this works is that when you follow through on your own decisions your brain starts to reduce all of this internal conflict it's not like your true self versus your conditioned self anymore you're actually acting from your true self more often and so your brain over time will reduce this internal conflict because you know what i'm talking about that internal conflict when you want to do something and you don't do it now you're just wanting to do something and you're doing it.

19:29So over time, after you stop, you know, you get past the uncomfortable feelings over the first couple of weeks or first couple of months, your internal conflict actually is not going to be as bad. Like your decision-making is going to get better. Your stress response to making those decisions and taking different actions will over time start to decrease. All of this makes it easier to do the next time because you're literally becoming a person who chooses himself, which is what we really want to do. So that's step number three. And step number four, let people be disappointed. This isn't very common, but there might be a couple people like this.

20:06If you start choosing yourself, some people might not like it. Not because you're wrong at all, but because they benefited from the old version of you that didn't choose themselves. do you see that so you might lose one or two people but honestly think about this like if somebody's mad at you for choosing yourself is that really somebody that has your back no it's somebody who was only in a relationship with you because it benefited them and they didn't give a damn about what you wanted so you're not really losing something you're actually gaining a whole lot more than you're losing. And so I want you to realize like at the end of your life, the question you're not going to, you're not going to ask yourself, like, did everybody like me?

20:56Was I accepted by everybody? Your question that you're going to ask yourself is, did I live a life that was actually mine? Like under the five regrets of the dying, the number one regret of people dying is I wish I lived a life that was true to myself and not the life that other people expected of me. The number one regret of people on their deathbeds that know that they're leaving this planet is I wish I lived a life that was true to myself and not the life that other people expected of me. Can we look at that and learn from them so that we don't live the same life? Because I don't want that regret.

21:31So the next time that you feel that moment, the hesitation, that instinct, that quiet voice. You shouldn't say yes to this. Pause. Ask yourself, what would it look like if I chose myself right now? And then figure out what the next step is and take that step. Not a big step. Not a big scary step. Just a small step in the right direction. Because your goal isn't to become fearless. You will never become fearless. Your goal is to build courage and to be someone who finally stops leaving themselves behind. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories.

22:10Tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want to learn more about coaching with me live outside of this podcast, you can go ahead and go to coachwithrob.com for more information. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you. and I hope that you have an amazing, amazing day.

22:59See PowerMy401K.com for additional information. Confidence. It's listening to your gut. It's moving forward, even when the path ahead is unclear. For nearly 160 years, Pacific Life has helped people keep their promises, building confidence for generations. Whether you're confident in your financial future or just beginning to envision it, we're here to help. Ask a financial professional how. Pacific Life. The power of a promise. Pacific Life Insurance Company, Omaha, Nebraska. And in New York, Pacific Life and Annuity, Phoenix, Arizona. Who knew Walmart business could help a bustling school district stay on budget?

23:36Principal Lewis knew. He uses Walmart business to easily get the items his elementary school needs. Our tax-exempt status works online and in-store. And with our tight budgets, they have everything we need at prices I love. Expense management tools help him stay on top of what he's spending. I keep track of hundreds of things every day. Jenny, get out of there. Thankfully, Walmart business lets me keep track of all our expenses in one place. Aaron, don't need that. Michael? It's Walmart. Built for your business. Who knew? Eligible organizations. Additional terms apply.