The Power of Saying No

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1:44Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn and grow and improve yourself because if you can improve yourself, you can improve your life. So if that's the mission that you are on, join us on this journey and subscribe. Today, I'm going to be talking about the power of learning to say no because I want you to imagine real quickly that you're at your own funeral and And everyone's gathered around to talk about your life.

2:17I want you to ask yourself, what are they saying? Were they saying that you were a good person, but you never really made anything out of your life? Were they saying that you never really seemed to really truly feel happy because you always gave every bit of yourself to everyone else? Are they saying that you never really lived out your true purpose? Or are they saying that you lived an amazing life on purpose, with clarity, and that you were driven to make something out of this life, to make the most out of your life, what are they saying? If there's a part of you that feels like it would be the first situation and not the second situation, it might be because you've been living for everybody else and you're not in alignment with your true self and with your true purpose.

3:02And if that's the case, then something's not right and we need to correct that. And it starts with the powerful word, no. And that's what we're going going to dive into today. So let's dive in. When it comes to saying no, most people think that their problem with saying no is a time management issue. Like I always hear people say like, I need to say no because I'm running out of time in my schedule. And then when you dive deeper into it, you realize, oh no, no, no, this is, when you get to the roots of it, this is an actual core issue. You have a boundary issue. You have a clarity issue. You have a purpose issue.

3:38You You know, you can't protect your time if you don't know what you're trying to protect it for. Otherwise, you're just going to give your time out to everybody. And so what I want to dive into is really the psychology behind why you don't say no, why you need to say no. I want to talk about the identity and how your identity shifts through it. I really want to dive into a lot of childhood patterns that have made you who you are. And then I want to talk about the purpose that you're creating in your life and why you need to say no. So first off, I think the easiest place to start is why we struggle saying no.

4:10Now, I want you to understand this. You weren't born afraid of saying no. You weren't. Like, have you ever hung out with a toddler before? They have no problem saying no. They are actually, in fact, the best people in the world at saying no. They have no problem standing up and fighting for what they want. Like fighting for their truth. So what happened to you? Think about that for a second. Some fear was taught into you at some point in time through modeling people, like modeling what your parents did or what you were praised for or what you were punished for and everything in between all of that.

4:52And somewhere along the line of you growing up, you were a toddler who had no problem saying no to somebody who learned that saying no was dangerous. You learned, I guess you could say somewhere along the lines that if you said no, it made you less lovable or less accepted in some way. You learned that saying yes was more important than saying no. You learned that saying yes kept you safe and it made you accepted by other people and it made you loved and it made you needed and it kept you in the good graces of your parents or your grandparents or whoever else raised you. And so what happened was you learned who you needed to be and what you needed to do in order to fit in with your familial unit and then also everybody else around you.

5:41And so when you think about this, because of this, you internalized the belief that your needs were secondary. Or you were actually taught, like I know a lot of people, that what you wanted in wanting something for yourself was selfish. and that you need to actually put your needs aside in order to actually do what everybody else is doing. Pause for a second. Does that hit home in any sort of way? You have to realize that your nervous system over time from childhood until probably about 10 years old, your nervous system started associating, saying no to people with danger. It's dangerous because it gets me kicked out of the tribe or because my mom doesn't love me much because I don't get exception or maybe I'm rejected in some sort of way or I feel isolated.

6:29Like you're not consciously thinking this as a child, but all of this is going into your subconscious, which is I need to be accepted, I need to be loved, and I need the parental connection. So I will do whatever it is that I can do in order to get that parental connection. That's what we're all doing. This wasn't just you, this is everybody. This is what every child does. And so you didn't want to be disconnected from your parents. So you learned just to say yes, because you got what you needed, which was love and which was acceptance and which was parental connection. And so what you accidentally did, and don't worry, we all do this in some sort of way, you learned that your needs did not matter.

7:08And so now you're an adult and you're sitting there and you're like, I want to say no. But every time I start to say no, like my body flinches when I want to stand up for my own truth. And it still feels dangerous inside of your body just to say no. So even if, think about this, even if the logic of saying no makes complete sense, your inner child, that part of you inside still panics. And so what happens is because of that panic, you just go back into old patterns. You just go to what's comfortable and what's easy. You go into an old pattern, you ignore your true feelings, and then you say yes when you should have said no.

7:47And that is why it's so hard to stop saying no and why we've been kind of taught to say yes. And so when you really dive into it, the reasons why you keep saying yes are a couple different fears that kind of work in tandem here. The first thing that's really, really common for people is the fear of disappointing other people. Like we all know, and if you've listened to the podcast for a while, you know that humans are wired for connection. We want to be connected. And as a child, the most important thing is that one-on-one connection with each parent. And so if you are raised that way and you're raised to learn that you need to be quiet or you need to do what everybody else says or you need to fit in, then saying no can actually feel like a real threat to your connection.

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11:42So we become a people pleaser because it becomes a strategy. Like if I keep you happy, you stay around and that's what I want. But it can also be like guilt conditioning too. Like I know many people who I've talked to that said like their parents said that, you know, it's selfish to want anything for yourself. It's selfish to want something outside of what the family wants. It's selfish to do something other than what I say you're supposed be doing. You know, so especially if you believe that your, you know, your real value was in service to other people. And so you might avoid saying yes, because it's rude or because it's selfish, because it's ungrateful.

12:15But I want you to understand this. You betray yourself to protect others from a moment of discomfort. When you say yes, when you should say no, like you betray yourself. And I'm sorry to say it, but some people listening have betrayed themselves hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. So that's why I wanted to say and why I started this conversation was saying this isn't just like a time management conversation. It goes much, much, much deeper than just that. And so how do we heal from this? Like, what do we need to do first? The real problem here isn't your inability to say no. It's really an absence of like a guiding yes.

12:57And let me explain what I mean by that. You need something to guide the direction of your life. Like most people are just kind of floating around with no clear direction. It's just like being on a boat in the water with, you know, no rudder and no engine. You're just kind of like floating around and just hoping that things go well for you. And then they get really mad when they're not where they want to be. And it's like, well, how can you be mad where you're not where you want to be when you don't even have any idea where you want to be. And then you ask them like, okay, well, what do you want from your life?

13:30And there's like no real clear answer. So if you don't know your destination, you'll never actually get there. And so everybody needs something to guide their life. And what I like to call is this is a North Star. Like you need a North Star in your life. It is this internal compass that lets you navigate the direction that you're heading in life, but also navigate all of the choices that you need to make. Because you probably make 100, 200 choices a day. Like you need a North Star to help you navigate what you're going to say yes to and what you're going to say no to. And when you have a North Star, it becomes the why that's behind all of your boundaries, that's behind all of your decisions, that's behind the direction that you're going in life.

14:15when you have a North Star, it makes it, I'm being fully honest with you, when you really have a North Star and you know what you're here for and you know what you're trying to work towards, you know what direction you're going, it makes it way easier to say yes to things that align with your North Star. And it makes it way easier to say no to things that do not align with it. And so it's not like, oh, I'm going to say no, I'm going to say yes to this thing because I'm afraid of what happens if I say no. It's like, no, I'm just going to say no to this thing because it doesn't align. with my true purpose here.

14:46It doesn't align with my North Star. And so your North Star, sure, it can definitely be a goal of what you're trying to do with your life, but it's also more than just a goal. It's an identity. It's a purpose. It's a standard for who the fuck you are in what you're doing in your life and where you're going. And 99.9 % of people have no North Star of where they're going in their life. So they're just kind of bumping around in the dark, hoping that they end up where they want to be. Every moment of your life, every request from another person will filter through the filter of your North Star when you get really clear on what it is.

15:28Does this line up with my North Star? If so, easy yes. Okay, let's do it. Does this line up with my North Star? Not really. Easy no. And it makes it so much easier to say no to stuff because without it, you're just directionless, just floating around hoping things go well. And so you have to find your North Star. How do you do it? Well, let's talk about it. Well, it's not just about like finding your passion, right? Or your purpose in life. Sure, those are important, but I think that your purpose is not something that you find. I think it's something that you build along the way. And so if you're thinking like, I need to know my purpose in life, and you're 23 years old sitting there right now, like you probably aren't gonna be able to say your purpose.

16:11but you can at least think about your North Star and the direction that you want to go and then build your purpose along the way. And so I want you to understand, like ask yourself questions, like deep questions to try to figure out where you want to be. Questions like, you know, if I stripped away every expectation, what would I actually want in my life? And start figuring out what that is. Like ask yourself questions like, when do I feel the most aligned? When do I feel the most alive? When do I feel the most like myself? What are my non-negotiable values? What impact do I want to have on the people that I love?

16:45What impact do I want to have on the world? What would make me feel like I didn't waste my time here? What version of myself would I be proud of 10 years from now? If I wasn't afraid, what would I finally say no to? And you start becoming clear on like, why the hell are you here? What is it that you're trying to go towards? Another way of doing this that would be really powerful is ask yourself the questions that I just asked you. Write them all down if you want to. Another exercise that's really, really powerful is journal as if you're 90 years old and you're looking back on your life and ask yourself the question, what did you regret not doing?

17:22And get really clear on that. It's a really powerful exercise to basically like, I guess you could say like project yourself into your future self and then look back and go, what would I regret not doing? And actually figuring out like, oh, I would regret not doing this if I was on my deathbed right now. So I better be damn sure that I'm going to do this thing. And then you ask yourself these questions, you start paying attention more and you start being more present in your life instead of being run by old patterns. And you start paying attention to what makes you feel alive. And when your purpose is clear and it's important, then saying yes and saying no is really easy to do.

18:01And your no, whenever you say no to someone, can be clear, it can be unapologetic because it aligns with the highest version of what you are becoming. And there is no reason to waste time on anything else that's not part of who you're becoming. And so now I understand there's a lot of people out there that are listening that are like, I really want to do this, but I'm a people pleaser. Okay, people pleasers, this part's for you, right? People pleasers, this might be foreign to you, everything that I've just been saying, because you've lived your entire life ignoring what you want. Now, I want you to understand that people pleasing is not kindness.

18:36It's not kind at all. It's not kind to the other person. It's not kind to you. It is unprocessed fear dressed in politeness is what it is. It's a childhood wound that says, I'm only loved if I'm helpful. And it's playing out in adult form. So you fear disappointing other people and it triggers this shame of feeling unworthy. And so you anticipate rejection, right? So you basically preemptively betray yourself to just basically stay in control, I guess you could say. You've been conditioned over your entire childhood and into adulthood to value peace in the room over peace in your body. And so if you say no, saying no feels like a violation of your role of what you were taught in childhood to be the good boy or to be the good girl or to be the reliable one or to be the strong one.

19:26But the truth is being everything for everyone is the fastest way to be nothing for yourself. And so if you're a people pleaser, you've got to do this. You've got to learn how to say no. You cannot be authentic and agreeable at the same time. Those are two opposing roles. And so the path to your inner peace isn't being liked. It's being aligned with yourself and your mission and your North Star. And so I don't like to be to stop being a people pleaser. You don't have to be mean to people. You just need to become honest with yourself. That's what it comes down to. And so after you figure out what your North Star is, you need to start setting some boundaries in your life.

20:05And it's quite hard to set boundaries when you don't know what your North Star is. And that's why people have such trouble setting boundaries because they don't know what their North Star is. And so a boundary, what it is, is it's just simply clarity around what's okay and what's not with you. Like healthy boundaries don't control other people. They clarify what you will accept and what you will not accept. It's like a healthy boundary or boundaries is like a manual for how people can treat you because you teach people how to treat you, believe it or not. So when you say something like, hey, listen, I'm not available for that.

20:40That's a boundary. You say something like, if you speak to me that way again, I'm going to leave the conversation. That's a boundary. You're teaching people how to work with you and how to talk to you and how to treat you. Boundaries protect your energy, not just your time. You know, if people are offended by your boundaries, it's probably because they benefited from your lack of boundaries before. And so you teach people how to treat you. And so, you know, your boundaries might disappoint some people, but it will also teach them how to be in a relationship with you. And so what you have to do is learning how to start saying no.

21:15And so let's talk about how to say no without burning bridges with people, right? It doesn't need to be a massive no. you can start small with your no's like micro decisions you've been avoiding. Here's the thing to help you. Practice delaying your yes. If saying no is hard for you, practice delaying your yes. Instead of saying yes, say something like, hey, let me think about that and get back to you. If you're struggling saying no, that's the perfect phrase. Just delay your yes. Let me, hey, just let me think about that and get back to you. It buys yourself some space to check in with your gut and not just go through a pattern of guilt.

21:45You know? And then you can start practicing compassionate no's. hey, listen, I'm really honored that you asked, but I'm really busy. So I just need to say no right now. And then you don't need to over explain. Over explaining is also a trauma response. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm not available for that, but I wish you the best. That's enough. Your no doesn't require justification. You're allowed to honor your time and energy and focus. Like your no makes room for somebody else's yes. They would probably do a better job than you because it's a yes for them anyways. And so you have to start doing this. And as you start doing this, it starts becoming an identity for yourself.

22:19Like standing up for yourself will start to become an identity. Start becoming who you are. Saying no isn't just a behavior. It's a reflection of who you believe you are. And so every time you say no with integrity, you reinforce the belief to yourself that I matter. And I'm just telling you right now from coaching many, many people, many people have unconsciously taken on the belief that I don't matter. And when you say no to somebody, four years, and you say it for the purpose of yourself, you're reinforcing the identity of I matter. You start choosing your future over everybody else's. And you start to live a life that is yours, not a life that's been conditioned into you.

22:58And that is when your self-respect, your confidence skyrockets. And so my assignment for you this week is to say no one time where you would normally say yes out of guilt. Don't apologize. Don't explain. Just no thank you. Just a simple no from self-respect, not fear. And then notice how your body feels afterward. It might feel kind of uneasy, but after a little while, you're going to start to feel a little bit more relaxed. And that feeling, that's freedom. That's you being aligned with who you are. That's you living in alignment with what you want in the life that you're trying to build. So I want you to practice saying no more this week.

23:37So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories, tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want to learn more about coaching with me outside the podcast, you can learn more by going to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day. Hey, Fidelity, how can I remember to invest every month? With the Fidelity app, you can choose a schedule and set up recurring investments in stocks and ETFs.

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