This is how to outsmart your negative thoughts, once and for all

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, go ahead and send me a text, 512-580-9305. Once again, 512-580-9305. I'll send you some inspirational, motivational mindset tips and tricks throughout the day to help you learn and grow and improve yourself. Today, we're gonna talk about how to outsmart your negative thoughts. What kind of crazy stuff goes on in your head? If you're like most people, if I could hear into your brain and we could hear everything that you're saying to yourself, we'd probably call it emotional abuse, right?

0:48If somebody else said it to you, it'd probably be emotional abuse. But because it's coming from your own mind, you've learned to tolerate it and not even just learn to tolerate it. You've actually probably learned to believe it. You know, the voice that says that you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you'll never be enough, you're not worthy of love. It's not truth. It's a program. And today I'm going to teach you a step-by-step, a six-step process for how to uninstall it based on psychology. So first off, let's talk real quick about why your brain is wired for negativity in the first place.

1:20Because no matter what, if you are a living, breathing human, you have some form of negativity that is going to live inside of your brain. And that doesn't mean that you're broken. It means that you're a human. Because if you've listened to this podcast long enough, you know that your brain, its job is not to make you happy. or rich or successful. Its job is to keep you safe. And in brain language, safe means familiar. That's it. It's very simple, which means that you'll keep thinking the same thoughts that you've thought a thousand times, even if they're negative, even if they're mean, even if they're terrible.

1:57You will stay in patterns that feel terrible because they feel predictable. And predictable means safe. Your brain doesn't care about if you're anxious, happy, successful, sad, whatever it might be. It wants everything to be predictable because predictable means safe. So you'll avoid change, not because you're lazy, but because your brain equates the unknown with danger. Don't do that. That's dangerous. And this in psychology is called the negativity bias. We all have it. It is your brain's tendency to scan throughout your entire environment, everything that's happening outside of you, everything that's happening inside of you, everything that could happen in the future and scan for threats and then focus on what's wrong or in most cases what could go wrong but isn't even actually wrong in reality.

2:54And then what it'll do a lot of times is catastrophize, which make it way worse than it actually could be so that you stay in the same place and you stay predictable. and you stay safe. So it will predict the worst things that could happen just so you stay safe. It's not a character flaw. There's nothing wrong with you. It is a survival strategy that we all have inside of our brains. You just need to learn a strategy to get you out of this because you're a human. That's the way it's going to be. There's no outrunning it. You just learn how to work with it. And so let me give you a few of the psychological common negative thought loops that people have.

3:32You know, like let's get clinical for a second so you can really understand yourself. These are straight out of cognitive behavioral therapy. They're called cognitive distortions, which means your brain is actually distorting reality. And so then what happens is if we distort reality enough, these mental lives we actually start to believe is truth. And so let me go through them real quick. One of them, first one is called all or nothing thinking, which is to see things in black or white. There's no middle ground between it. And what that means is like, if I don't eat perfectly today, I've totally failed.

4:04Like I see this all the time with people who like work out perfectly for 21 days. They screw up on the 22nd day and then they just think they're a failure and they completely give up. Or if you, if you're like a, somebody who has a business, you're like, if this launch isn't huge, then I'm a loser and I should give up. That is all or nothing thinking. That is a cognitive distortion. Another one that's very common for people is called catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is taking a situation and assuming that the worst case scenario is what's going to happen. And it happens like fast. You know, if I mess up this presentation, I'll get fired.

4:39I'll lose everything. No, you just messed up a presentation. It's not a huge deal. If they don't text me back, they probably hate me. That's what catastrophizing means. I get bad news. When I go into the doctor, I'm going to die. That's catastrophizing. Very common for people. That's the second one. The third one is something that's called mental filtering, which is extremely common as well, which is focusing only on the negative and ignoring any of the positive, ignoring any of the good. So somebody could compliment you. And then you start thinking about, well, I can't think, I can't stop thinking about that one critique.

5:13You know, you can go and give a presentation and, you know, they're like, that presentation was amazing. And then your boss just says one little tiny critique. You forget about the entire compliment, how great it was, how great you did. And you can't stop thinking about that one critique. or you hit your goal and you're like, well, sure, I hit my goal, but I should have done it faster. That's mental filtering. A lot of people do that as well. The next one's called personalization, which is blaming yourself for things that aren't really even about you in the first place. You know, if someone else is in a bad mood, I must have made them upset.

5:44The team is underperforming. Clearly, I'm a terrible leader. That's personalization, taking something that has nothing to do with you, that's not really about you and making it all about you. The next one is called mind reading, which is believing that you know what other people are thinking without any real evidence. And so it could be like, oh, she didn't smile at me. She must think that I'm annoying in some way. Or he looked bored. He must think that I'm a joke. And so we think that we can read other people's minds. And so we make an entire story out of something that we notice within another person when they could just be having a bad day and it has nothing to do with us at all.

6:19So that's the next one. Number six is called fortune telling, which is predicting the future like it's already been decided like people think that they can predict the future so it's like this is what they do they go um well there's there's no point in applying for that job because i'm not going to get the job anyways okay fortune teller or i'll never be able to change because i always mess things up so i'm just going to stay the same right like you're you don't know that something different can't happen in the future but you just say oh no this is the way it's going to work so i'm just going to do this you know you're trying to predict the future.

6:52It's not true. The next one is called should statements, which is beating yourself up for very rigid expectations. Like I should be more successful by now. I shouldn't feel this way. What's wrong with me? Those are should statements. Another one that's very common is called labeling, which is turning a behavior into a label, like a fixed identity in some sort of way. So like, oh, I forgot to do that. I'm so stupid. Forgot behavior. Stupid. I'm stupid. That's an identity. I failed a test. I'm a total loser. Failed a test. Behavior, something that happened. Total loser. That's an identity. Okay, we got two more.

7:28The next one is called emotional reasoning, which is assuming that your feelings are facts. You take your feelings and you think that it's a fact, right? So like, I feel anxious. Something must be wrong. I feel worthless. I must be worthless, which is emotional reasoning. And then the last one is called discounting the positive, which is minimizing all of your wins or your progress. Oh yeah, you know, that doesn't count. Whatever that thing was, anyone probably could have done it because you think negatively of yourself. Yeah, they said that, but they were just being nice. Okay, do you see how these cognitive distortions are so exhausting?

8:07Like you're taking reality and you're distorting it. That's why it's called a cognitive distortion. You're distorting it so that you see the negative in something or you make yourself feel negative. And the kicker, the hardest part about it is that the more you think these thoughts, the deeper those neural pathways become, which means that it literally means that your brain gets better at thinking negatively unless you interrupt it. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. And so what do we need to do? We need to figure out some sort of way for us to interrupt what's going on inside of our brain and actually make a change.

8:44And so this is the six-step cognitive behavioral therapy-based process to basically outsmart your negative thoughts. This is where the magic happens. You're going to see how to observe your thoughts, how to interrupt your thoughts, and how to rewire your thoughts using a step-by-step process. So this is the gold standard in thought change therapy, which is cognitive behavioral therapy. So step number one, the first thing you need to do is you need to name the thought. Catch it to change it. You've got to catch the thought in order to be able to change it. When a negative thought comes in, don't fight the negative thought.

9:17What you want to do is you want to label the negative thought. You want to say it out loud. Like literally say out loud, I'm having the thought that I'm not good enough. Okay, say it out loud to yourself. Or I'm noticing that I'm a failure. The reason why you want to do this and label it and then say it out loud is it because it creates distance between you and the thought. Because a lot of us identify with our thoughts and then we create them to be like absolute truth. No, you're not the thought. You are the observer of the thought. So what you're trying to do in step one is create distance between you and the thought.

9:52So that's the first one. The second thing is to identify the distortion in some sort of way. That's why I gave you the list of distortions, right? My boss didn't respond to my email. I must be getting fired. What are the distortions there? It's probably catastrophizing. Okay, so I'm catastrophizing. and I must be getting fired, it's probably mind reading in some sort of way. I think that I have a crystal ball, right? So I'm identifying the distortions. He didn't respond to your email. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he just decided to take the day off. Maybe he's sick. Maybe he's got tyrrhea. I don't know what it is.

10:28Try to see the other side of what it could possibly be. So what you're doing is you're looking at it. You're going, okay, well, I'm just distorting reality in some sort of way. Let me figure out how I'm distorting reality. Once you label it, you disarm the power that it has over you. Now it's a pattern that you are recognizing. It's not an actual truth in reality. More distance between you and the thought. This third step is to ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen? There's actually benefit. It's called negative visualization. It's to look at the absolute worst thing that could happen.

11:03Allow your mind to go crazy. What's the worst thing that could happen? And the reason why it's important is because a lot of times you'll look at it and be like, that's ridiculous. It's not even ever going to be that bad. And it makes you distance yourself from the thought even more. Okay, so that's step number three. Step number four is to ask yourself, what's the best that can happen? Because if you're going to allow yourself to see the absolute worst, which is what we usually do with catastrophizing in the first place, I'm going to also make myself see the absolute best. So let me see what's the worst that could happen.

11:30Let me see what the best thing that could happen and realize it's probably not going to be either one of those. it's going to be somewhere in the middle. When you do that, it makes you feel a lot better because you're not allowing your negative thoughts just to run your mind. What you're doing is you're going, let me see all of the options. And it will help you feel a little bit better because your brain, once again, likes to predict the future. So if it can predict the worst and predict the best, it knows it's probably going to fall in between that somewhere. It's like, oh, it gives your brain a feeling that it is predicting and something that's predictable feels a lot more safe.

12:03So that's step number four. Step number five is to reframe the thought. Now that I've identified the thought, I've identified the distortion, I've seen the worst that could happen. I've seen the best that could happen. I want to rewrite the thought into something that is more balanced and something that's more neutral, not something that's fake or something that's fluffy or any of that type of stuff, just more like, I don't know if it's a word, more truer, right? More truer is what I'm trying to look for. So you might think like, I'm not good enough. Okay, I'm noticing the feeling that I'm not good enough.

12:33Is it true? No, it's not true. What's another way to reframe this? Okay, I'm really struggling with this right now. But because I'm struggling, that doesn't mean that I'm not capable. It doesn't mean that I'm stupid. And so it's not fake. It's not fluffy. It's just something more balanced and neutral than it was before. Another thought could be like, oh, I always mess things up. Well, it's like, let me look at that and see if I can make it a little bit more true and not as crazy. Like, listen, I've made mistakes, but through every mistake that I've had, I've grown. Then I've become better through every mistake.

13:11So I don't always mess things up. Have I always messed up every single thing? No, there's things that I definitely haven't messed up. So clearly that thought is bullshit. Maybe another thought you could have is like, I'll never be successful. Oh, I'm screwing up with this. I'll never be successful. Okay. Let me try to reframe that a little bit. Success is not instant. And I'm learning as I grow. And if I just don't give up, there's a pretty good chance I'm going to figure it out. You see what I mean? So all you're doing is you're just reframing the thought and you're just rewriting it as something that's a little bit more balanced and neutral in some sort of way.

13:45This incognitive behavioral therapy is called cognitive restructuring. It's one of the most important things that you could do. It's also one of the most evidence-based tools in all of psychology. You're literally rewiring the brain through repetition of doing this. So that's step number five. And then step number six is to act from the reframe. This is the part that most people skip, but your thoughts will change if you start having thoughts, if you start changing your thoughts over and over and over again through repetition, but thoughts also change when behavior changes. So you want not only your thoughts to change.

14:19You also want your behavior to change. Ask yourself, if I believed this new thought, what is one small action that I would take right now? If I believed that I'm learning to trust myself, then maybe what I'll do is I will just decide to hit publish on that post instead of holding it back. If I believe that my worth isn't tied to other people's opinions, well, then maybe I would stop replaying that conversation that I thought I showed up in so awkwardly. Because behavior reinforces belief. And so if I want my beliefs to change, my thoughts need to change, but also my behaviors need to start to change as well.

15:00Every small action in a different direction tells your brain, this new thought is safe and it's working. And so I want you to realize that just because you think negatively doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. You are a human. You're going to think negatively, but your negative thoughts cannot run your life. And if you become aware of them, you can change them because you can't change something that you're not aware of. But once you see the thought, you create distance from a thought, you break it down. You no longer have to be the thought. You know, your brain might be an old default mode for a while.

15:35It takes time to change. People want things to happen right away. No, it's okay for things that take time. This isn't about, you know, building. Really, what I guess more than anything else, what it is about is it's kind of like, the way I see it is it's kind of like brushing your teeth, right? You don't just brush your teeth one time and you're like, oh, my teeth are clean forever. No, hopefully you're brushing your teeth at least every single morning and every single evening. You need to do it to stay clean. It drives me crazy. People are like, well, I thought this thought for a couple of days and it didn't work.

16:03I'm like, you brush your teeth multiple times a day. It's exactly what you need to do with trying to change your mental programming to start to get rid of the negative thoughts. It's like brushing your teeth. You don't stop negative thoughts forever. You don't have clean teeth forever. But you don't have those negative, you don't just like get rid of those negative thoughts. You just get better at catching them before they hijack your entire day. And you also learn to make changes quicker. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories.

16:33Tag me in at RobDahlJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you're out there and you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go ahead and go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day.