What If You’re Not Who You Think You Are?

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1:41Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And it is finally here. I'm running my first large scale event this year called Freedom Live. It's a three day in-person experience built around one thing, becoming the person who can build the life that you want of total freedom, financial freedom, mindset freedom, and the freedom in every area of your life. More money, bigger breakthroughs, everything that you want. Waitlist members get first access to the best pricing I will ever offer.

2:15If you want to join the waitlist to be the first to know about it, go to freedomwaitlist dot com right now. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com right now. Today, I want to start with a question. What if I told you that a huge percentage of your personality might not actually be who you are at all? What if I told you that it's most likely just behavioral adaptations from childhood? You know, what if humor was how you deflect? What if your ambition exists just because you don't feel safe? What if your independence came from learning that nobody was coming to save you? What if your niceness was just fear?

2:58What if your overthinking wasn't you being a planner, but it was out of protection? Now, I don't wanna scare the shit out of you, but I do want to wake you up just a little bit because if all of that is true, then who are you underneath all of it? So today we're going to go really deep into what you think is your personality because a lot of what we think is our personality is just behavioral adaptations. It is a child that shaped themselves emotionally to fit into a world that they were raised in. And over time, we confuse that adaptation for identity. We think, oh, like this is just who I am.

3:40No, a lot of times this is just who you learned that you needed to become. And there's a huge difference between the two of those. And so I don't want to change who you are. What I really want to do today is I want you to try to identify your true self beneath everything that might not actually be you. And I just want to open you up a little bit to thinking more about this. And so today we're going to go deep and I mean like really, really deep into all of this. The most important part of what we're going to chat about today is that children adapt themselves to survive. Because children are unbelievably adaptive.

4:20Like children are survival geniuses without even trying. Like they just do it automatically. So you have to understand when you're a child, you are completely dependent on the environment around you. You are dependent on your parents, your caregivers, your teachers, your emotional environments, approval, safety, belonging, love. And because of that, your brain and your nervous system are constantly asking a question. And that question is something like, how do I need to behave in order to be safe or loved or accepted or avoid pain? And none of that's actually happening consciously. It's all happening unconsciously.

5:02You know, children are not just like sitting around thinking, who am I authentically, right? Like they're not thinking that. Children are asking like, what version of me is most accepted? That's the game. And this is backed by attachment theory and developmental psychology as well. The guy who created attachment theory found that children adapt their emotional behaviors based off of how caregivers respond to them. So if emotional expression was welcomed, then the child adapts that way. If emotions were punished, the child adapts a different way. If love felt consistent for the child, they adapt one way.

5:38If love felt inconsistent, they adapt another way. So the child is constantly changing and shape-shifting and molding themselves around their environment. And that's what's really wild about it, is that the adaptation works. That's why the child survives. And that's why after they get out of that environment, the nervous system keeps it is because it becomes a pattern over time. Because your brain doesn't care if that pattern makes you happy. The brain cares if the pattern helps you survive socially and emotionally. That's a huge realization for everybody, right? Your nervous system is not asking like, does this create fulfillment?

6:20It's asking, does this feel familiar and safe? That's it. And so what happens is this, a child learns behaviors. Those behaviors become patterns. Those patterns you identify as your personality. But underneath all of it, it may have, not necessarily 100%, but it may have started as an adaptation for acceptance. Like I'll give you a good example. Like Jim Carrey, if you would ask people, who do you think Jim Carrey is? Oh my God, he's so funny, he's so wild, he's so outlandish. Like Jim Carrey openly talks about how growing up his mother had extreme depression and illness and he learned that if he could make her laugh, he could temporarily make her feel better and he could kind of like bring light to the house.

7:12Like he said that he became the funny one because humor became the way to change the emotional state of the environment around him. And what's powerful about it is that it eventually, like that adaptation became his identity. That survival strategy became Jim Carrey, the comedian, the funny guy. And underneath all of it, like it originally started as a child emotionally adapting to the environment that he was raised in. So do you see that? Like there's a lot of like real wisdom behind that. Not for me, but just from the situation itself, right? So even if something like being funny can be an adaptation to the environment, like when you look at it.

7:58And once again, like I'm not saying any of this is wrong. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you. I just want you to start noticing your patterns, take a step back from them and decide like is that truly you or not? And then start to make decisions from there. So like let me give you some examples that are similar to that Jim Carrey one, right? If you grew up in a house where there was tension all of the time or chaos, you too may have become funny because humor, you were able to learn diffused conflict or chaos in the house. Humor made people laugh. Humor changed the, enlightened the energy in the house.

8:40And we will be right back.

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11:06The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. netsuite.com slash D-I-A-L. And now back to the show. Humor got attention, so that got less attention from the person who was being abused. Humor distracted from all of the chaos. And now as an adult, everybody goes, oh my God, you're so hilarious. And maybe you are, but maybe humor started off as emotional survival. Maybe it was armor. Once again, I'm not saying just because you're funny that you had a fucked up childhood, just so you know, I'm just saying there are a few people that are listening that are going, oh my God, that is why I became who I became.

11:47You know, like another example is maybe you became hyper independent. right like i know i became hyper independent because maybe along the way you learned depending on people hurts right for me like i learned i had to be independent because my father was never there for me my father's an alcoholic who disappeared and never showed up when he was supposed to and so like i learned like people disappoint you people leave and maybe you learned that like people disappoint people leave people are inconsistent like vulnerability can be dangerous And so your nervous system adapted to that. And it said, I can never need anybody.

12:25And now you wear like independence, like this badge of honor. I don't need anybody. I can do it all myself. I like being alone. I hate asking for help. FYI, like society praises that. But deep down, maybe hyper-independence is an adaptation to emotional disappointment. And so if that's the case, it's not really freedom. It's protection. and trust me, just so you know, that will ruin all of your relationships if it doesn't change. Like take it from me, someone who realized years ago that they were hyper independent and that it would ruin all of the relationships. So I have been learning how to teach my nervous system to feel safe being vulnerable and being able to rely on other people for the past eight or nine years or so, right?

13:14Or maybe you became the nice person. You're extremely nice. Everybody loves you. You're sweet. You avoid conflict. You keep everybody happy. But maybe when you were younger, conflict felt really dangerous. Maybe anger in the house felt unsafe. Or maybe rejection felt terrifying. So your nervous system adapted to becoming agreeable. And just so you know, that's emotionally strategic. It's you learned if everybody is okay with me, then I'll be safe, right? Or maybe you're just a nice person. I don't know. That's these are for you to start asking yourself these questions. I'm just giving you guys a bunch of different scenarios because a lot of people are going to go, holy shit, that's me, right?

13:58Maybe, maybe for you, it's you're an overthinker. You overthink a lot of things. Like a lot of people think overthinking means like they're intelligent or because like they're a planner because they love to plan and then they plan to plan. But sometimes overthinking is simply just hypervigilance. Like it's the nervous system trying to predict danger before danger arrives. And there's actually lots of research on this too. Like studies on childhood adversity and hypervigilance show that children raised in unpredictable emotional environments become extremely attuned to subtle emotional shifts. Why?

14:37Well, you got to think about it. because their brain learned, if I can predict the emotional weather, I can protect myself. And so now, as an adult, they replay conversations over and over. They overanalyze text messages. They scan facial expressions. They are hypervigilant, and they assume worst-case scenarios, and they mentally rehearse the future to their own detriment. And they think like, oh, this is just my personality. I'm an overthinker. No, it may have originally been and adaptation, right? Or maybe you're also extremely ambitious. Like this one, this is for me, like I realized a lot about myself during this.

15:16This one hits hard for a lot of people, right? You're, oh, you're just extremely ambitious. There's nothing wrong with ambition. I want you to understand that. But some people become extremely successful and ambitious because success is linked to their worthiness. Like their self-worth is attached to how much they succeed. and it can come from childhood. Like maybe your praise only came when you achieved, whether that was through grades or whether that was through sports. Maybe your parents' love felt conditional on your success. Maybe you only got attention when you performed. For me, I realized that I was extremely ambitious because I unconsciously was trying to succeed as a 30, 35-year-old man to get my father's love.

16:04the crazy part about it was my father had died 20 years before so i was still unconsciously trying to prove my worth to my father who had passed away 15 20 years prior and so your nervous system might have adapted by becoming driven right becoming productive uh being impressive being successful and everybody claps for it in this world and rewards it which is what's hard about it. But internally, you might still feel like you're just trying to earn love and show your worth through success or through achievement. And there's actually research around this from self-determination theory and conditional regard psychology, showing that children who receive love and approval primarily through achievement often internalize performance as identity, which means they think to themselves i'm worthy when i succeed and when adulthood becomes this thing where you have to succeed all the time then it becomes this giant performance basically like i want to give all these scenarios because i like do you see this like all of this is adaptation to a childhood environment and so listen like i really do need you to hear me say this.

17:18Like these, these adaptations are not bad. They were extremely, incredibly intelligent is what they were. Like your nervous system adapted brilliantly without you even noticing. It did exactly what it needed to do. And that's why like, it's a really, really important part to understand. It was extremely intelligent. So it's not about shaming yourself because you are an overthinker or you're too ambitious or you're too guarded around other people. It's about understanding yourself. Your nervous system is incredibly intelligent. It said, okay, this environment that I'm in works this way. Like who do I need to become in order to survive this?

18:04And then it built that version of you. And that's why healing, like really healing yourself and working through these things require compassion more than anything else. Not like hatred for the fact that you're an overthinker, hatred for the fact that you, you know, are a people pleaser. It requires compassion more than anything else because you realize like, oh, I'm not broken. My nervous system adapted for survival. So the thing that you really need to understand is that, you know, like where the suffering of all of this starts, the suffering starts when we become so identified with the adaptation that it becomes our identity.

18:41Like we forget it was an adaptation and it's not who you actually are at your core. Like, so, you know, you don't, you don't think like I learned to become hypervigilant. You think like, this is who I am. No, that's, that's where the suffering is going to come from. Like, you don't think I adapted by becoming emotionally guarded. You just think, oh, I'm not emotional. Or like, you don't think I became successful to earn approval. You think I just love working. Like you don't think I learned to monitor everyone else's emotions to become safe. You just think, hey, I'm just highly empathetic. And maybe you are empathetic.

19:18Maybe you are funny. Maybe you are ambitious. Maybe you are independent. But the question is, did you consciously choose those? Do they really truly feel like who you are deeply at your core? Or did your nervous system build them in your childhood? Because often, you know, like the ego is not who you really are. A lot of times the ego is just who you learned that you had to become. You know, Carl Jung talks extensively about this through like his concept of the persona. The persona is the social mask that we develop to function in society to gain acceptance, right? And so over time, many people become fused with the mask and they lose the connection to their authentic self, which is what I really want you to really discover again.

20:03but if you like you really start looking at yourself honestly because of these questions because this episode you begin asking like a lot of questions and they can be really beautiful questions but they can also kind of be terrifying right they could be questions like who would i be if i no longer needed protection like who would i be if i no longer feared rejection who would i be if I no longer needed to earn love? Who would I be if my nervous system finally felt safe? Would I still overwork? Would I still overthink? Would I hide as much as I do? Would I still perform? Would I still need everybody to like me?

20:45Would I still abandon myself to keep other people comfortable? And like that's where the real work begins is by asking yourself these questions because healing is not becoming somebody else. healing is separating who you are from who you adapted yourself to be. Like healing is realizing I learned this. This is not who I truly am. And if you learned it, you can also unlearn it. And if it is truly not you, you do want to unlearn it because you are unconsciously wasting so much energy trying to keep up a facade and play a part that is not who you truly are. And so you can change. Like your brain remains adaptable throughout your entire life, which means the same brain that adapted to survive years ago can also adapt towards peace, towards authenticity, towards connection, towards emotional safety.

21:39But first, you really have to do become aware of the adaptation. You have to stop automatically calling every survival pattern my personality, right? Or that's just who I am. because maybe you're not naturally anxious. Maybe your nervous system just learned to be vigilant. Like maybe you're not emotionally distant. Maybe you just learned that closeness at one point in time hurt. You know, maybe you're not lazy. Maybe your nervous system is just exhausted from carrying protection mechanisms all day long. Maybe you just adapted, right? And honestly, I think one of the most beautiful things a human can do is slowly begin questioning themselves with compassion.

22:22Not with judgment, just with curiosity, right? Like just sit down and ask yourself, what parts of me are authentic and what parts of me were built for survival? That question alone can change your life because your real self was never lost. I promise you that. It's just underneath years of adaptation, underneath all of the performance, underneath the protection, in the coping mechanisms, in the survival mode. There's a version of you that's been waiting your entire life to finally feel safe enough to come back out. And maybe that's the real healing journey that we're here to do. So you're not becoming somebody new, but you're just finally coming back to your true self that's underneath all of that adaptation.

23:06So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. tag me at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. If you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way. I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day. Building a portfolio with Fidelity Basket portfolios is kind of like making a sandwich. It's as simple as picking your stocks and ETFs, sort of like your meats and other topics.

23:40and managing it as one big juicy investment. Now that's pretty good. Learn more at fidelity.com slash baskets. Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokers Services, LLC. Member NYSC SIPC. Guys, let's face it. As we get older, we can't just skip sleep and eat whatever we want and still feel great the next day. But if you're entering your men's health era, you know it can feel complicated. Sprouts Farmer's Market makes it easier. Not only does Sprouts have the high protein foods, nutrient dense organic produce, and innovative snacks your body craves, it's also got the newest supplements, vitamins, joint support, even creatine to help get you feeling more like you used to.

24:28Whether it's men's health or any other health journey, it's easier at Sprouts Farmer's Market. Hey listeners, Rob here. Thank you for tuning in to the Mindset Mentor each week. If you want to hear new episodes, ad-free, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts or visit SiriusXM.com slash podcast plus to listen with Spotify or another app of your choice.