When You Realize No One Cares... Everything Changes

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1:37Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you did not hear, I am doing my first ever live event called Freedom Live. It is three days in person in Austin, Texas to become the person that you want to build a life of total freedom. That is financial freedom, mindset freedom, and freedom across every single area of your life. More income, a better life, and finally close the gap between where you are and where you know you should be. Waitlist members will get the first access to ultra early bird pricing.

2:13So get your name on the waitlist now at freedomwaitlist.com. Once again, freedomwaitlist.com right now. Today, we're going to be talking about one of the most freeing realizations that you can have as a human being. And that realization is nobody cares about you. And I understand it sounds depressing, but you're really going to realize after today's episode, it is the biggest relief in the world because most people are walking around trapped inside invisible prisons. And I don't mean like a real prison. I mean a psychological prison, a prison that's made up of imagined judgment and imagined criticism and imagine embarrassment and imagine rejection.

3:01And, you know, people don't follow their dreams or they don't start a business because they think, what if people think that I fail? What if they think I'm a failure? Or they don't post on social media because they think like, what if people judge me? Or they don't speak up at a meeting because they think, what if I sound stupid? They don't wear what they want. They don't dance the way that they want to. They don't love the way that they want to. They don't create art the way that they want to. Why? Because they think that everybody is watching when truth is nobody is paying attention to you because every single other person is too busy obsessing over themselves.

3:38So you're worried about people judging you. Meanwhile, they are worried about people judging them. And this is one of the craziest paradoxes about being a human. We are all starring in our own psychological movie and everybody else is just an extra in the background. But that means that everybody else is starring in their own psychological movie and they're not paying attention to you. You know, there's a quote that David Foster Wallace once said. And he says, you'll stop worrying what other people think about you when you realize how seldom they actually do. And I swear, if you truly understand this, your life will change.

4:14Because what most people think is like a lack of confidence is just hyper awareness, hyper consciousness of themselves. It's this chronic self-monitoring. It's walking through life, acting like there's a spotlight pointed at you. And so let's dive into it because I really want to help you free yourself from this judgment in other people's opinions and worrying about what other people are thinking for. Okay, so neurologically, there is a reason why we do this. If we go deep into this for a second, your nervous system wasn't designed for this modern life. Your nervous system was created for tribes 10 ,000 years ago.

4:48If your tribe rejected you, you died. Literally, you could not survive without your tribe. So if the tribe thought that you were dangerous or weird or lazy or unstable or just not useful, you could be cast out of the tribe. And if you were cast out, that means no protection, no food, no shelter, no reproduction. It meant death. So your brain evolved to constantly scan for social threats. And that's why your stomach will drop when somebody unfollows you. Or it's why criticism can ruin your entire day. It's why speaking in front of other people can feel terrifying. Is your brain interprets social rejection as danger.

5:28And this is neurologically true. Research from UCLA discovered that social rejection activates the same regions in the brain as physical pain. Specifically, it is your dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and your anterior insula, meaning your brain literally processes social rejection the same way that it does physical pain. And that's like insane when you actually think about it. Your body reacts to humiliation almost the same as physical injury, which explains why like embarrassment is terrifying why shame feels crushing for you why judgment is something that we fear so much your nervous system doesn't know the difference between i might die and people might not approve of me because it thinks like it's 10 000 years ago which is people might not approve of me so i will die that's what it thinks and so once you understand that you can honestly give yourself some grace and stop making yourself feel like a POS because you're feeling some sort of fear around people.

6:31Like your fear, it isn't weakness. Your fear is ancient programming. It is natural. But here's the problem. Your brain evolved for tribes of 150 people or less. Not social media, not millions of strangers, not comment sections. Your nervous system is trying to survive a world that it was not designed for. And so psychologists actually have a name for this. It's called the spotlight effect. Human beings dramatically overestimate how much other people notice them. Like, oh, womp, womp, right? There was a famous study at Cornell University where participants were forced to wear an embarrassing Barry Manilow t-shirt into a room full of people.

7:14And the participants, they thought that at least 50 % of people or more would notice the shirt. But in reality, only about 20 % of them notice. And that's because everybody else was too busy thinking about themselves to even notice the shirt that someone else is wearing. That's the whole game, everybody. Do you get it? You think everybody notices your awkwardness, your weight gain, your bad skin, your nervousness, your weird comment, your failure, your insecurity. But meanwhile, everybody else is internally screaming to themselves, do they notice my flaws? and so people are obsessed with themselves and when i say people are obsessed with themselves i don't necessarily mean like everybody is a narcissist in the clinical sense i mean psychologically everyone has some narcissistic tendencies everyone is always subconsciously thinking how am i being perceived and so your subconscious monitors your status in a group approval of other people, comparison of you to other people, your safety, your identity, your belonging.

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11:45And so like once you, once you really get this like deep into your bones, you realize I can do whatever the fuck I want, right? Like you really can, like I can actually live. I can be free. I can post that thing. I can create that business. I can dance like an idiot in the streets. I can speak up. I can fail publicly in front of everybody. I can try things. I can look stupid. I can be a beginner. And guess what? The world keeps spinning. Why? Because nobody is paying attention to you. Nobody cares nearly as much as you think that they do. And so here's what's wild. When you actually look at this, you're not actually suffering from other people's judgment of you.

12:31You suffer from anticipation of judgment. Your imagination is torturing you way more than reality ever actually does because your brain creates simulations constantly. You know, what if I embarrass myself? What if they reject me? What if I fail in front of other people? What if people think that I'm cringe? What if I give people the ick, right? And your body, because you're creating these fictitious scenarios in your mind, your body reacts as if it's happening right now. And this is when you start overthinking everything because, you know, overthinking is exhausting. Your nervous system, it can't actually distinguish between something that is vividly imagined in your mind and actual like real danger in reality.

13:23And so that's why your heart races before you have a difficult conversation. It's not the difficult time of conversation. It's your anticipation of what you think is going to happen after the difficult conversation. You know, it's why public speaking feels terrifying before it ever happens. Because public speaking, when you're sitting there in the green room before you ever talk in front of anybody and your heart is racing, it's because you're rehearsing the failure in what could possibly happen and then what you'll think of yourself if that happens. Your body is responding to imagined social pain.

13:55So then what is the actual real problem here? Well, you know, what I think is one of the biggest problems and causes the most suffering right now for people, especially with social media, is excessive self-awareness. Not like healthy awareness, like obsessive self-monitoring, like constantly thinking like, how do I sound? Do I look weird? Like, do people think that I'm awkward? Do these people like me? What if that thing that I said was stupid? Like, should I have said that differently? And you cannot be free mentally if you're constantly observing yourself like that and picking apart every single thing that you're doing.

14:37Like think about the moments in your life where you have felt the most alive, like the most free, like you're like laughing uncontrollably with friends or you're, you're dancing or you're playing sports or you're creating some sort of art in some sort of way, or you're singing in the car. Like you're just fully immersed in those things. Why did those moments feel so amazing for you? because for a few seconds, you disappeared. The self-monitoring stopped for a little while. Your ego dissolved. You kind of like entered a little bit of a flow state. And so if that's the case, how do we free ourselves?

15:18How do we get out of this constant monitoring over and over again in creating this suffering when we don't really need to? How do we free ourselves? The first thing that you need to do is realize that people are mirrors, not magnifying glasses. Like most people interpret you through themselves. So if someone judges you too harshly, it usually says more about their inner world than it says about you. Because people do not see reality. They project their mind onto reality and only see what their mind projects. So an insecure person might project arrogance and they might see you as arrogant. A fearful person might see risk.

16:02A wounded person might see threats everywhere. And so most reactions are just projections. So realize that most of the time, what other people think about you actually has nothing to do with you in the first place. That's crazy. So if that's the case, that brings us to number two. Number two is if that's the case, stop trying to control perception. So number two is stop trying to control perception. This is huge. You could be the best person on earth. Kind, intelligent, genuine, loving, thoughtful, and somebody will still misunderstand you. That's life. You will never be everyone's cup of tea.

16:48Trying to control everyone's perception of you is absolutely insane. It goes back to this quote I always think about, which is I'd rather be a wolf that doesn't fit in than a donkey that everybody rides. And if you're trying to fit in with everybody, you're just trying to be a donkey that everybody rides. Okay, so that's number two. Stop trying to control perception. Number three is become willing to be embarrassed. One of the biggest growth hacks in existence is this. Your freedom is directly tied to your willingness to tolerate temporary discomfort. If you want confidence, embarrass yourself more often.

17:28Seriously, like I'm not kidding. Confidence is not, hmm, I know nobody will judge me. That's not what it is. Confidence is even if people judge me, I don't care because I like myself. Like I remember when I was in my 20s, one of the things that freed me the most from other people's perceptions was my friends and I, we used to challenge each other to act as dumb as possible in public as we could. Like stupid things, but completely harmless, right? It's just like what 20 year old guys do. And once you do it a few times, you stop caring what other people think in your entire life. Because most people, when you do something stupid in public, most people don't even notice you in the first place.

18:14and the ones that do forget about you in 30 seconds and they'll never see you again and so you realize oh my god like i am i am like in a straight jacket of how i think i'm supposed to act and how i'm supposed to be and who i'm supposed to what i'm supposed to do and what's correct and what's polite and we're just like fucking robots walking through life being what we think we're supposed to be versus being fully authentically ourself and so that brings me to number four, practice being seen. This is like nervous system exposure therapy because too many people don't like being seen because of the childhood that they had, right?

18:57You've got to practice being seen. You've got to post the video. You've got to say the thing. You've got to wear the outfit that you want to wear. You have to start the business. You have to speak publicly. your nervous system learns through evidence and so every time especially for the type of person who learned like it's not safe to speak up in childhood and you're holding yourself back now or you're a people pleaser and all of the stuff like you're you're holding yourself back from being your true authentic self and your nervous system learns through evidence and so every time you survive being seen and you don't die your brain goes oh i didn't die it must not be that dangerous.

19:37And if we can do that over and over and over again, over time, the fear of being seen, the fear of judgment, the fear of other people's opinions, weakens. That's neuroplasticity. Your brain changing itself over time. You know what? Like I think one of the saddest things in life is how many people die with a life unlived. Because psychologically, like they never allowed themselves to fully exist. They basically edited themselves into invisibility. Like it's like, uh, Jim Carrey has a quote that says your need for acceptance will make you invisible in this world. I don't want that for you because your life is too short to spend at just managing perception.

20:19If you look at the number one regret of the dying, according to the book, the five regrets of the dying, the number one regret of the dying from a hospice nurse, where people told them their regrets at the end of their lives was this. I wish I lived a life that was true to myself and not the life that others expected of me. One day you're going to die and on your deathbed, I promise you, you will not care what people thought about you. You won't care about that awkward post or your failed business or the weird thing that you said or the judgment of other people or the time that you were embarrassed.

20:51You'll care that you didn't fully live. You'll care about the risks that you didn't take because you are more worried about the a judgment from other people who never noticed you anyways. Like you'll care about how many moments fear stole from you. And just so you know, like the goal here isn't to become fearless. Maybe the goal is to finally become more devoted to your life than to other people's opinions. And when you truly realize that nobody's watching you in the way that you think that they are, you're free to do whatever the hell you want. So that's what I got for you for today's episode.

21:28If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. If you want to learn more about coaching with me outside of this podcast, you can go to coachwithrob.com. Once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day. Hey, everybody. Ted Danson here to tell you about my podcast with my longtime friend and sometimes co-host, Woody Harrelson. It's called Where Everybody Knows Your Name, and we're back for another season.

22:01I'm so excited to be joined this season by friends like John Mulaney, David Spade, Sarah Silverman, Ed Helms, and many more. You don't want to miss it. Listen to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with me, Ted Danson, and Woody Harrelson sometimes, wherever you get your podcasts. Out on the road, it helps to have a partner like the Loves Rewards app. Download Love's Rewards today to get sweet discounts and earn points on food, fuel, drinks, and more every time you scan. Love's Rewards. Save and earn at every turn. Terms apply. See website for details. There's a fire inside you you can't ignore. Stand still?

22:37Not a chance. You're a lifelong learner who's come this far. Now, we're here to help you keep going further. Capella University. What can't you do? Visit capella.edu to learn more.