Why You Keep Sabotaging Yourself

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there, you love this podcast, do me a favor, give us a rating or review on whatever platform you're listening to this on. It helps more than you can realize. Today, I'm gonna be talking to you about something that's extremely simple, but wildly powerful. And it's something called the self-perception theory. And basically, here's what it breaks down to. You are not who you think you are. You are who you have observed yourself to be.

0:41And so let me say it again and then we'll break it down. You're not who you think that you are. You are who you have observed yourself to be. And so most people are walking around with beliefs and habits and truths, quote unquote truths, if you're not watching the video, that you never actually chose. We just pick them up like lint on a sweater from childhood and from school and from family and from culture. And we never stopped to ask like, do I want to be this person? Like that's one of the most important questions you get yourself. Do I want to be this person that I've always been this negative person?

1:17This person talks down about other people, this person is judgmental. Like we just think, oh, this is just who I am versus taking a step back and going, do I want to be this person? And if you do, cool, keep being that person. If there's parts of you you don't want to be, well, that's where you need to actually start to change it. And so all of this comes from what's called the self-perception theory. It comes from a psychologist named Daryl Bem, and he started in 1972. And the gist of it is pretty simple. We don't form beliefs of ourself first and then act. We often do things first, and then we look back on what we've done, those actions, and then we decide what we must believe about ourselves based off of our actions in the past.

2:03It's kind of like this. You observe your own behavior and feelings like a outsider in some sort of way. And then you probably unconsciously, but you do do this, you draw conclusions about who you are based off of what you've seen. Oh, this person did that. Like if somebody is walking around and they, you know, you're watching somebody on the street and they walk up to a random person and give them a flower, you're going to think, oh my gosh, that person's probably such a sweet person, right? So we put an identity on top of a person based off of the behavior that we saw. They gave somebody a flower, they must be a sweet person.

2:40You see somebody screaming at an airport at their children, you think that person's probably got some anger issues. And so you think that person's angry. That's an identity statement, angry. I'm an angry person, that's an angry person. And so what happens is we take behaviors and we mesh them with identities, which are two completely different things. This is a really, really big problem because you take, once again, the behavior, something that happens, giving somebody a flower or slapping somebody in public. Those are behaviors. That's one thing. And then from it, you form an identity about yourself or about another person.

3:23In identity and behavior are two completely different things. You know, if you yell at your kids because you had a long, hard day and you accidentally blow up and you yell at them and your son runs off into the other room and he's crying, you think to yourself, I'm a bad parent. No, that's an identity. You're meshing the two of them. There is behavior, which is you blew up on your children. And then there's identity, which you're probably a good parent, but you just had a hard moment. You don't take the behavior and say, I'm a bad person or I'm a bad parent. When you do that, that's where it starts getting really, really hard to overcome.

4:01And so like, let me give you a couple of other examples, right? You overthink a lot of conversations that you're in. And so that's something that you've done, a behavior that you're noticing. And so you draw an identity from that, which is, I must be insecure. Maybe, but you probably, you're just sensitive to connection in some way. You're not broken. or you procrastinate on big goals and you think, well, once again, behavior, I must be lazy. That's an identity. You're taking behavior and creating an identity from it. No, you're probably not lazy. Maybe more than anything else, if someone's procrastinating, it's usually there's some sort of fear that's behind it or you're unsure of how to start.

4:45You might easily get triggered in close relationships and you think, oh, I'm an angry person or I'm emotionally unstable. No, no, no. That's not it. You got triggered. That's a behavior. And identity is something that's behind all of the behaviors. And so you think, oh, I'm emotionally unstable. I'm angry. There's something wrong with me. Maybe you've just got some old wounds from childhood that haven't been in knowledge yet. That's probably what's going on. Maybe the type of person that just really avoids confrontation or you avoid conflict and you think, oh, I'm weak. I'm just a people pleaser.

5:22Maybe you're just conflict adverse because you had a really chaotic upbringing and it's not that you're not incapable of the strength. It's just that you have learned to avoid all of that because you had some chaos that was in the household. Or maybe you start something and you're really, really bad at finishing things and you think, oh, I'm just undisciplined. That's what it is. Sure, maybe, or maybe your perfectionism is just a fear of judgment that's lurking underneath all of it. You know, it's a fear. It's not an inaction. It's not identity. You think to yourself, oh, I cry easily. And, you know, you cry easily.

5:59So you say, I must be too sensitive. I must be emotional. Yeah. Or you're just a beautiful human that's just emotionally tuned into yourself. Or maybe the type of person a lot of people hate asking for help. So you say, oh, I'm too independent. I'm too prideful. Yeah, or it's more likely that you learned somewhere in your childhood that needing help meant you were weak or that you couldn't trust other people. And so you start looking at these things and you're like, oh, these are all these behaviors. I must be this way. And you form an identity and then you have that identity, be who you are, quote unquote, be who you are.

6:35And then you act in the exact same behaviors you always have because taking action. outside of it doesn't line up with the idea that you have. So that right there basically encompasses this whole self-perception theory. And so the real power here is to start to get better at observing yourself. You know, at the heart of this theory is introspection, which is the ability to get out of your own shit in your head, zoom out, observe yourself as if you're observing this person that's across the street that gives somebody a flower. You're observing yourself, And you're like, hmm, why do I do the things that I do?

7:15And you actually start to think about why you are the person you are. Why do I do the things that I do? Is that who I want to be? You know, those things that I do, how's it impacting the people around me? Do I even want to keep doing this? You know, what am I trying to avoid feeling that causes me to do this? You know, is this behavior that I have been doing for years, is this pattern that I stuck in, is it protecting me in some sort of way? Or is it keeping me small? Is this just who I am? Or is this something that I've learned? And you sit down at the journal, you start asking yourself these questions and figure out who you are.

7:53These questions are really more than anything else designed to interrupt your autopilot. We've all got autopilot, but sometimes we do something where we're like, well, that's not who I want to be. I remember years ago, I was like, man, I was really judgmental. And I was like, that's, it was like, I would, I would be a really positive, nice person. Then I would see somebody on the street and my mind, something would pop up and be like, where the hell did that come from? It was like this autopilot. So I was like, okay, I need to interrupt this autopilot. And that's what these questions are designed for us to interrupt autopilot, to try to spark some curiosity within yourself.

8:26And then to help you observe your own behavior without judgment, because really that's the gateway to changes, to observe yourself without judgment. And, you know, most people never really take a step back and just like ask anything about themselves. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. They just say, oh, that's, that's who I am. You know, that's just me. Like I have one side of my family that's very much like that. Oh, this is just the way that the world is very fixed mindset. This is just the way the world is, is who I am. This is who I've always been. And it's like, no, that's just who you've chosen to be.

9:05And over time, and often a lot of the time, you've unconsciously chosen. But the good news is that none of this is set in stone. You know, if there's a part of your life that you don't like, you can change it. And obviously, you know that. That's why you're listening to this podcast is because you're the type of person who does know, okay, there's some aspects of my life that I want to change. And if I want to change these aspects of my life, I probably need to be the person to change. You wouldn't be listening to this podcast if you didn't believe that. There's a part of your life that you want to evolve.

9:35That's why you're here. And so let's bust down this lie that says like, oh, this is just who I am. Right? Okay, sure. We can go with that. Like if you really think like, oh, Rob, this is really hard to hold on to. This is just who I am. This is, you don't know my childhood. You don't know how I was raised. You don't know how my mom was and my dad was. This is who I am. Okay, let's break it down into a physical way, like a physical thing. Ready? From every single little teeny tiny microscopic cell in your body, every single one of them is going to be different. You literally are a new person, physically completely different person than you were seven years ago.

10:15So the only thing that stayed the same is your thinking and your identity. Are you still the same person that you were 15 years ago? No, of course not. And yet some people out there listening are acting just like they were 15 years ago because that's the story that they've been carrying. They have this story about themselves, this identity, this perception of themselves that they've had and they keep acting in accordance with that identity. The story needs a rewrite. And so what do you do with all this? The invitation I'm going to give you is start observing yourself like a scientist. Be curious.

10:57Don't try to judge yourself. Why do I act this way? Why do I think this way? You know, looking at this doesn't really reflect the future me that I want to become? What do I need to change? You know, do I want to be a different person? If you say to yourself, okay, like I want to be a different person. Okay. Then I can toss out that story of who I think I am. I can rewrite the story and say, this is who I'm going to be from this moment forward. And I can transform it. And, you know, like I'll give you an example of a client that I had and we were talking and she was telling me about how she lived in one city and she had grandchildren.

11:36She had a guest house that they had built. This is a little small guest house in the back of her daughter's property. And she built this guest house and she would go over to the guest house for years and years and years. She would just drive up there once, twice a week. And that's how she had all of her stuff. And then she started, she got into a relationship. She got married. She stayed in her city that she actually had a house in more often. And when she would come home, all of her belongings inside of her guest house were put away. They were in closets. They were all away. And what she had said to me was that, I feel like I don't matter.

12:15Like they don't want me around. And then I was like, okay, well, let's get your daughter onto a conversation. Like let's just talk it out. And what we ended up finding is that for about a year and a half, two years, this lady, the grandmother, had this identity that was, I don't matter. They don't want me around anymore. They don't love me anymore. I talked with her daughter and her daughter said that they were putting things away so that when the kids went into the guest house, they didn't break grandma's stuff. And so it was out of love and respect, not rejection. But the mom had an old narrative from childhood of I don't matter in some sort of way.

12:52She was a middle child. things happened in her life and she had this this identity this story about herself of i don't matter and she took that and placed it into this moment when in reality if she just would have had a conversation be like hey i'm curious like why is my stuff away her daughter would have said because we don't want to break it you know you've got four grandkids running around and they're going to break something that's for sure and so it's out of respect and love she ended up taking I don't matter, putting on top of this moment and feeling rejected. And so when she gets curious and we start asking the questions and we start having her daughter on the line, the whole thing flipped.

13:30It wasn't about rejection. It was just about protecting her belongings. That's the power of questioning your stories because you'll take your story and you'll place it on top of everything that happens to you. And so I want to give you two tools that you can start using literally today to help you with this. The first thing I want you to do, and I really hope that this helps you out to start looking through this lens, is I want you to just observe yourself more often. Just watch yourself. And when you do something that you don't like, which we all do, or you screw up in some way, don't be an asshole to yourself.

14:03Just notice it and go, hmm, that's curious. That person just did this. That person screwed that up. Like start noticing who you are, how you act, your reactions. If you feel triggered, pause. I'm going to pause. I'm going to ask myself, okay, I feel really triggered. What's the story I'm telling myself right now? What meaning am I giving this moment? And just observe yourself and you want to become more aware of who you are and why you act the way that you act. So that's the first thing. And the second thing is to do something in psychology. It's called cognitive reframing. It's to take your story.

14:39Once you identify your story and you're starting to notice it. oh, I'm like this lady would have done the example we were just giving. I don't matter. You have to challenge your story. This is called cognitive reframing. You try a new angle. You try a new perspective. You try to flip it on its head. You know, it's like the example I was giving is like if you remember debate in high school, it's like you're on one side of the debate and you've been on this side of the debate your entire life. I don't matter. You're going to go to the other side and you're going to say, what are the reasons why I matter?

15:11I'm going to debate why I matter versus why I don't matter. Because most limiting beliefs that you have, they're like a house of cards and they will collapse once you just ask one really good question and you'll realize, oh, this thing I've been believing my entire life doesn't make any freaking sense. A bonus tip that I'll give you is to ask people who you love, someone who you trust for feedback. Just get outside perspectives, some fresh insights. They're seeing things from a completely different perspective from their life than you are. Maybe they'll be able to help you break through some of these identities that you have of yourself.

15:47I want you to understand when you look at this, if you're self-sabotaged, if you're holding yourself back, it's because you're just stuck in old identities. You're not broken. You're just a human that has a pattern. That's what we are. We're just patterns that just keep running. And patterns can change. You can start paying attention to your own behavior, you can start asking yourself why. You can start using that awareness to choose something new. And if it doesn't align with who you want to become, throw that shit out the door, rewrite it and replace it and be somebody different because you have always had the power to be somebody different.

16:21You just never knew that you really could be. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. and once again, if you want to go off this podcast, start working with me on Zoom sessions. We got group coaching. We got a 12-week course that you can go through. All you got to do is go to coachwithrob.com. It is at a 33 % discount right now, which will be going away in just a couple of days. So if you want to learn more about it, once again, coachwithrob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode.

16:52Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.