Why You Self Sabotage And How To Stop

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn and grow and understand yourself better. We base it in neurology, psychology, and early childhood development because the better that you can know yourself, the more that you can grow, the better you can make your life, and the more you can improve it. So once again, if you're interested in that, hit that subscribe button. Today, I'm going to be talking about why you self-sabotage yourself.

0:36It's really interesting. I give a lot of talks and I'm around a lot of business people. And one question I like to ask people as business owners, because as business owners, I'm just going to be honest with you, the success or the failure of a business is coming down like 98 % of times to the mindset of the business owner. And so I always say to people, I always ask the question, do you think that if there was a switch, just like right on the side of your head in the temple, and you could do on and off, and if you clicked it off, It would turn off all of the fear, all of the stories, all of the amygdala, the thing that's bringing the fears into your life, all of your limiting beliefs.

1:16You could flip this little switch and turn all of those things off. Do you think you would be more successful? And it's always a resounding yes, of course, which shows that the people who are in the room, basically all of us, you know, make our lives harder than it needs to be. If we would be more successful, if there was a switch, we could turn off our fears and our limiting beliefs and our stories about ourselves. And so today I'm going to talk about those stories, those beliefs, the self-sabotage that we have. And we're going to talk about how you fight for what you don't want and you fight for your insecurities more than the things that you actually want.

1:54And I was thinking about this because I had a team member and we were just talking about his life. we were talking about his goals and I noticed that as he was explaining his life goals to me and what he was working towards he kept throwing these little little teeny tiny reasons why it was going to be hard or why it was going to be difficult for him or why he might not succeed at it and he was telling me about his goals and what he wanted but then he had these little things of like yeah but it might be hard and and you know why it might not work out all of the challenges that would pop up, all of the reasons why he wasn't ready, why now wasn't the right time, everything.

2:29And I had to stop him like in the middle of it. And I was like, you're not going to hit your goal. He was like, what? Because like, I'm the mindset mentor. You know, I'm supposed to be the guy who like gets people all excited. That's why I hate being called a motivational speaker because that's not what I'm here to do. I'm not here to motivate. And so he's like, what do you mean? And I was like, from what I see, if I were to guess your future, and I would put a lot of money down on this, you're not going to hit that goal that you're telling me about. And he's like, okay. I was like, you want to know why?

2:57Because you have not given me one really good reason why it's going to work out. You haven't given me any good reason why it's going to work out. But I've been listening to you talk and you've been telling me all of the obstacles, all of the reasons why it's not going to work out, why now's the right time, why you're not qualified, why you're not ready. You're finding all of the obstacles in your way. And you're telling me about the obstacles and not once have you told me about the opportunities that are lying in front of you. You're focusing on the obstacles. You're not focusing on the opportunities.

3:29And so that's what we tend to do is we tend to focus on all the obstacles that could be in front of us. And we never focus on the actual opportunity of what could become of us, of our life, of our families, if we do the thing that we ultimately want to do. And if, you know, the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. This isn't something that just happens, you know, in the case of my, my employee, this isn't something that just happens here. It happens all over in your life. It happens in your relationship. It happens to your bank account. It happens to your mindset. It happens everywhere.

4:00And I was like, you've given me 10 to 15 in the past, like seven minutes, 10 to 15 small reasons why it might not work out, but not one good reason why it's going to work out. You've basically sold me on why you're not going to succeed. You've sold me on why you're not going to win the race. And you haven't even put your foot on the starting line. And I was like, do you do that often? He's like, yeah, yeah, I guess I do. I was like, how's that working for you? He's like, well, not really well. You know, and so it's really important for us to start to, to be honest with you, like he was completely unaware he was doing it.

4:37It was very unconscious, like subconsciously coming out. I had to bring it to him. And he's like, yeah, I guess I do kind of do that often. And so it tends to be, you know, there's a lot of reasons why this is, but there's a couple of reasons why it happens for most people. The first reason why is because the belief we have in ourselves, which stems from our childhood. You know, it comes from our parents. It comes from other children. It comes from our internal story that we build, you know, after being the worst player on a baseball team and we started telling ourselves, I'm not good enough. I'm the worst.

5:08it's all these millions of little teeny tiny events and happenings in our past that build up this personality of who we think we are this identity of who we think we are it's not who we are it's who we think we are it's our perception of ourself and so we have this story and you can you know like think about some of you guys have had parents that have and i've heard many stories over the course of my you know professional career doing this where people talk about how their parents talked down to them about how they weren't smart enough about how they weren't good enough about how nobody in our family is athletic so you won't be either and there's all these little teeny tiny um stories that come from parents that children kind of pick and choose which ones they want and they kind of take them in they kind of build them into their own identity then there's also other children there's bullies that you know you might might have been not really good at sports and then there was a kid that was in your class was really good at sports and he used to make fun of you for not being good at sports and then he built this internal story of you know not being good enough to do anything.

6:05Or maybe you fail a class and the kid sitting next to you is kind of a little shitty kid. And he's like, oh, you're stupid. And then you start thinking that you're stupid to yourself. Like this is, this is what happens. And so we build up this whole thing. And so then as my, my team member speaking to me, all of these little teeny pieces of his story, I'm starting to notice and I'm listening to, and I'm like, you've counted yourself out and you haven't even started, started anything yet. And so it's super important to understand that. And the second reason why I find a lot of people do this and we tend to self-sabotage is if and when you don't hit your goal, you don't feel as let down.

6:41And so because of the fact that you're thinking to yourself, oh, I really want this, but then you're telling yourself 10 to 15 reasons why it's probably not going to work out, you self-sabotage and either don't start or you give up in the middle of it because you're going to lose anyway, so you might as well not finish. because if you're going to lose anyways, why put an ounce of energy more? And then if you do end up putting the effort through and end up going through and you don't succeed the way that you want to, you don't feel as let down. So you are like, that's okay because I knew I was going to...

7:14It's hard to get yourself really excited about something and then be let down by it and not have it, right? It's easier to be like, oh, I'm probably going to fail. And then when you do fail, you're like, well, at least I wasn't excited about it. but if you're focusing on it not working out, it's not going to work out. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy is what it is. And I don't know about you, but I would rather talk to myself, like talk well to myself and build myself up and get myself excited and try to build my confidence and fail at something than talk down to myself and fail so that I don't feel as let down.

7:53At least I didn't feel like shit the entire time I was trying to do it, right? I was building myself. I was trying to get better. So I'd rather talk myself up and fail than talk down to myself and tell myself it's not going to work out and then fail and not feel as let down by doing it because then you're just beating yourself up the entire time. For most people, you'd rather be miserable and right in your failure than uncomfortable and possibly be wrong and succeed. It's the weirdest thing that I see is that because of the fact that you have failed so many times, you are more comfortable in failure than you are in success.

8:26And so you'd rather be miserable and then think you're not going to succeed and then not succeed. And you're right about your failure. Then really uncomfortable for an extended amount of time to go do something you've never done before and possibly be wrong about yourself and succeed at it. It's the craziest thing. And most people don't want to be miserable that are miserable, but it's comfortable. So they go back to the comfort, even though they don't want to be there, they go back to the comfort. So in this case, I'm sitting down and I'm talking to my team member and I was like, tell me why it's going to work.

9:00Tell me about all of the opportunities in front of you. And tell me how it's an amazing opportunity and build this amazing story for me. And he started saying it will work because of this and it will work because of that. And these are the opportunities that are in front of me. But there was like no passion behind it. There's no belief behind it. I could tell that he felt like he was full of shit. And I was like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I was like, I don't believe you. And if I don't believe you, you don't believe you. So stop. And I want you to start over again. I want you to tell me as if you're trying to sell me on why this is going to work with you.

9:40Why is this going to work? Make me believe it. Tell me the opportunities. Tell me as if I am a investor and I'm trying to invest into your future. Why is this going to work with you? Like, sell me on this opportunity. it's going to work because of this and it's going to work because of that. It's a great opportunity because of this, because of that. And you have to understand everything, as he started to actually talk about it and start to talk about it, he started believing in it more and he started believing it more. And as he started believing it more, his tonality changed and his body language changed.

10:11Everything about him changed because he actually started speaking it into existence, starting believing it. And as he started believing, he started getting more excited. Then his body language changed. He started to sit up a little bit more. His hand started moving more. And I was like, does that feel different for you? His exact answer was, I literally feel different in my body. So what would your life be like if you went and looked at everything through the lens of opportunity, not the lens of obstacles? All too often, I see people fighting for reasons why they will not succeed. I see people all over the world fight for their insecurities.

10:45I've told this story before on the podcast, but years ago, I ran an event for all business owners. And, um, and I turned to, to the person I was running, Dean, I was running the event with them and I go, watch, I'm going to try to trigger somebody. And I was like, just follow my lead. He's like, all right, go for it. And then, so I said, I said, who here thinks it would be awesome to make a million dollars a month? And everyone's hand goes up and I was like, why aren't you making a million dollars a month yet? And it was silent for a while. And I went to each person that I could until I, until somebody I could tell was like a little bit agitated.

11:19And I was like, you know, tell me, you know, what would it, you know, why aren't you making a million dollars a month? Oh, because I've got this problem. I've got this problem. Why aren't you making a million dollars a month? This problem, this problem. Then I got to one person and it was a lady and I was like, why aren't you making a million dollars a month? And I could tell that there was something bubble under the surface. And I was like, you look a little bit triggered. Are you triggered? And she's like, I am triggered. And I was like, okay, why are you triggered? And she's like, well, I'm like, I can't do it because of this and because of that.

11:51And you know, you're my coach and you're not even consistently hitting a million dollars a month. So if you're not like, why aren't you hitting it? And then she started getting kind of aggressive. And I was like, this is what I was looking for. Right. And so, um, and she's, she's telling me, you know, before she started saying to me, like, why aren't you at a million dollars every single, every single month. We were talking about it and she was like, I'm not going to do it because of this. And I could tell that, that looking at the opportunity of her business being bigger than she could possibly imagine started triggering her in some sort of way.

12:19And then she started fighting for her insecurities, fighting for why she's not going to. And she was unconsciously selling me on why it's not going to happen ever. And I was like, okay, great. Thanks for that. And I had her come up to the, she was, she was like so into it. I was like, come on up, like, come up to the front. Let's talk about it. And she was up in the front and she was freaking out and all this stuff, not freaking out. She was just, she was very triggered. You could tell. Um, and we had known each other for a long time. So it was nothing but love. And I was like, Hey, do you see how you're fighting for your insecurities?

12:52And she was like, I guess. And I was like, when I asked you, why aren't you making a million dollars a month? You started aggressively telling me, I could tell in your body language and your tonality, all of this. And what you did was sell me on your insecurities. Sell me on why it's not going to work. I was like, I've never seen you that aggressive for why it is going to work. So why don't you sell me on your opportunities the same way, with the same amount of passion, with the same amount of emphasis into everything? I was like, do you think that you're not going to succeed kind of often? She's like, yeah, I do.

13:29I was like, do you have your insecurities come up a lot throughout the day when you're trying to build your business? She's like, absolutely. All of the time. She's like, it's harder to stop my mind from talking shit to me than it is to build my business. But my business isn't growing because I can't stop my mind. And so I was like, if you can sell me so passionately on why you can't do something, can you sell me passionately on why you can do something? There's so many people that are out there in this world that are fighting for their insecurities just so they can be right. That's the crazy part about it.

13:58They'll fight for the reasons why it won't happen so that when it doesn't happen, they were right versus I'd rather jump off in a possibility and be wrong and succeed, right? Your brain will naturally go negative. I've said it thousands of times in this podcast. A brain left to its own devices will go negative. So you have to be intentional about finding the positive. You need to start noticing this. You need to be intentional. You need to become more self-aware of when your brain starts to go towards the negative. When your story starts to tell you why you're not good enough, why you're not smart enough, why it's not going to work out, why you're going to be alone forever, whatever it might be.

14:30You need to get better at selling yourself on the reasons why it will work. And you switch your mindset around it. In cognitive behavioral therapy, it's called cognitive reframing. You have to become aware of all of the stuff that you want to change first. You can't change anything that's outside of your awareness. But when something's inside of your awareness, you can change it. And so become aware and start journaling. Okay, next time this happens, this is what I'm going to do. And come up with a plan. Then become aware of when it does happen, whatever it might be, you talking down to yourself, why it's not going to work, why you're self-sabotaging and whatever it might be that's popping up.

15:03So you have to become aware in the moment next. And then you need to intentionally change your thoughts and your actions around that thing. Intentionally change your thoughts and your actions. That's cognitive reframing. You need to repeat this over and over again. You need to become the bouncer of your mind. It is, I promise you, it is very tedious. It is so damn tedious. I've been doing it for so long in my life, but it is so important. And if you start changing your thoughts over and over and over and over again, I always say you can't control your first thought, but you can always control your second thought.

15:31And if you control your second thought enough over years, not two or three months, but over years, your second thought will eventually become that first thought that you want it to become. It's so tedious, but it's so important. I try to challenge my thinking as often as I possibly can. It is a debate in my head almost all day long. It's a debate when I notice my old story that I don't want anymore that I got through childhood and through adolescence and through teenage years and college and all of that. And I look at it and I say, is that true? Is that true or is it just my perception? And I want to, you know, is it true?

16:06In cognitive behavioral therapy, they say to test the validity of your thoughts. So I'm testing, is that true that I was just thinking that thing about me or about my success or who I'm going to be or the people around me or my family or whatever it is. Is that true or is that just my perception? guess what? It's always my perception. And if perception is just a part of the whole story, what else could be true that is outside of my perception? Is there another side to the coin that I'm not allowing myself to see? And I'm testing every single thought. And once you test it enough, you'll realize it's like a house of cards.

16:39You just give it one good flick and the whole thing comes falling down. Your whole belief system just comes falling down. And then you can start to rebuild your belief system the way that you want to believe your belief system. And so the reason why you self-sabotage is because of who you are, how you were raised, things that you picked up along the way. And a lot of it is very, very unconscious. But your job as an adult listening to this podcast is to become very conscious of your belief system and the belief system that you want to change. And as they start to pop up, actually start to change them.

17:08And that is ultimately what's going to help you change your mindset, which will help you change your life. So that's all I got for you for this episode. If you love this podcast, you'll also probably really love something I got coming up. It's called Mindset Mentor Plus. I have an actual community that I'm building and a program that I'm building that is going to help you fully integrate every single one of these episodes. So you're not just listening to it passively, but you're actually integrating every single episode into your life. And so inside of Mindset Mentor Plus, it's going to come every single episode is going to come with detailed worksheets to help you learn more about the subject, get more detailed on the subject.

17:42There's going to be journaling questions to help you take that subject and the thing that we spoke about in the podcast, put into your life to help you start to become more aware of yourself. There's going to be assignments for how you could take that episode and change things in your life to help you actively engage in your life. And there's also going to be exclusive Q &A sessions with just me. There's going to be access to an entire community of Mindset Mentor listeners so you could connect with other weird people like you and I who are interested in improving their lives and trying to get better.

18:10And for most of you, it's going to be less than you spend on coffee every single month. And the people who are the founding members will actually get a discount. So if you want to sign up for the waitlist to be the first to learn about it, go to mindsetwaitlist.com to learn more about it. And we will email you before we announce on the podcast so that you can get access to the discount. So once again, it's mindsetwaitlist.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode, making sure I should make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.