Why You’re Not Growing

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, please give us a rating and review, however you listen to us. It helps us grow and helps us grow organically more than you could possibly imagine. So if you do that, I'd greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, I'm going to talk to you about why self-help books, why self-development, why learning and journaling and all of that stuff is not enough. and how there's another level that really is the most important part of self-development and it's life.

0:46We're going to talk about how to improve your life quickly and how to get past a lot of things that are really holding you back. We're going to talk why the self-development books are great, self-help books, great, all of that stuff. It's all great, but it's not enough. And really the thing that I want you to understand is that all of that is great, but if you're not implementing any of it, it's completely worthless. Your life is a classroom. Your life and being aware of yourself and becoming more self-aware of everything that you feel, everything that you do, everything that you say, everything that you think is actually more important than reading the books or going through and going to a conference or any of that stuff.

1:28Those things are great. I don't think you shouldn't sign up for courses and you shouldn't read books and you shouldn't go to courses and go to conferences. Of course, you should do all of those things if you want to. But what's really the most important is to become more self-aware in the moment, to always be learning yourself, right? To be learning yourself, to be more curious. When you close off the curiosity around yourself, you're going to stay the same. You have now solidified who you are as if you were just a statue and you're going to be that person forever. I want you, instead of judging yourself, instead of shaming yourself, instead of guilting yourself, I want you to become curious about yourself.

2:09Huh. Why do I think that? Is that true? Where did I get that? Where did I learn that? Is that fear that I'm feeling, is it absolute truth? Everything that happens to you, whether it's good, whether it's bad, whether it's neutral, every single thing that happens to you is an opportunity for you to learn. The problem is that most people don't see it that way. They don't even know that everything that happens to them is a lesson in disguise. Your life is a classroom perfectly designed for you. Your life is a perfectly crafted curriculum for you to learn and grow into the person that you can become.

2:53And one of the biggest misconceptions of personal development is that it's just reading a book. It's just meditating. It's just going to a conference. It's just journaling. It's just listening to this podcast. All of those are great. All of them are needed, but they're not the only things. People think that, you know, I got to get my 30 minutes of personal development in. Cool. You could do that if you like, but life is your personal development. It's interesting how I see people where they're like, oh, I'm learning and growing. You know, some people will go and read a book and then they'll get into an argument with their spouse and not realize that the argument with their spouse was their greatest opportunity for personal development that day.

3:39Not the book. Cool. You read a little bit about yourself or learn something new. All of that's great. But your greatest opportunity to learn and to develop yourself into, I guess the better phrase is to evolve yourself into the next version of you, is that argument. Why was there an argument? Were you triggered in some sort of way? What was it that triggered you? Why did it trigger you? Triggering is a massive opportunity to learn. It's a place where you are not free. When you're triggered by something, you are not free. Because someone could come and say something to you that's not your spouse, and it doesn't trigger you at all.

4:20And then your spouse could come and say that exact same thing to you that's not a stranger, and you get completely triggered by it. Why is that? You have some sort of attachment, some sort of belief, some sort of story, some sort of narrative around what was said to you, and now you're triggered. That is where you learn. And so you could have this fight with your spouse. and then you go, you know what? Now that I've calmed down, I'm really curious what happened there. You know what I should do? Maybe if you don't have a coach or maybe you don't have a therapist, you go and you take a pen and paper and you ask yourself those questions.

4:54Why was there an argument? Oh man, it was an argument because this is what I had said. And why did I say that? Well, I said that because, oh, you know what? Because something similar to that happened two months ago when I was triggered by it. Okay. Why were you triggered by it? What was it that trigger. Oh, you know what? It reminds me of something that my sister used to do when I was younger that made me feel like I wasn't worth it. And I noticed, oh my gosh, it's actually not even the relationship with my spouse. It's my relationship with myself based off of something that happened to me when I was younger in my relationship with my sibling.

5:27Oh my gosh. Now I'm starting to make some fucking breakthroughs versus being like, oh, we got into a fight. Let's put it under the rug, whatever it might be. And you have to realize like someone else could have gone through the exact same thing that you are triggered by and not be triggered. So it shows you it's not the trigger. It shows you that it's you. Was your spouse triggered by something? Why? Where did that come from? Can we help them through it? Maybe not in the moment. Definitely don't try to do it in the moment, but maybe when things calm down and be like, Hey, I really want to talk about, you know, a couple hours later, I really want to talk about our argument earlier.

6:01I want us to not be triggered in any sort of way. I want us to be open, honest, and vulnerable. I want to see if we could talk about it because I don't like arguments. I know you don't like arguments and I like to see if we can scoot our way around it. And so can we have like a real conversation around it and, you know, not get triggered, not have heightened emotions, but just talk to each other in a very calm way. And if your spouse is able to do it, which I hope that they are, then have that conversation and see what you can work through, right? Most people want to just act like it didn't happen.

6:31And then it builds up and builds up and builds up, right? When you have a relationship, relationship takes like the biggest key to a relationship is a communication in that relationship. Like you can listen to this podcast and be all excited about growing. And I love that you're listening to this podcast, but really your life is your greatest lesson. I'm just trying to hopefully teach you little tiny things that you could use along the way. You can listen to this podcast. You can be all excited, driving over to target with your kid. And then 30 minutes later, your kid has a temper tantrum and inside of target and it completely pisses you off and you yell at them and you realize, Oh man, I just reacted in a way that I shouldn't have.

7:11That is a much better place to get your personal moment. I love that you're listening to this podcast, but this podcast is nothing compared to your own life and the lessons that are supposed to be coming from it. And the things that you can learn about yourself and about the world and about other people through having a very watchful eye in your life. You can learn how to keep calm in the middle of any storm. So maybe you go, you know what? My child had a meltdown. I was triggered. I yelled at them. Why did I do that? Oh, you know what? It reminded me of the way when I noticed that when I was yelling at them, I was noticing my mom.

7:48I was noticing my dad. I was noticing the way that I had my parents communicate with me when I was a child. And I didn't appreciate that. And I just noticed myself lashing out in the same way that my parents lashed out at me, right? You might not take a step back. And if you don't take a step back after that happens, after you, you know, apologize to the kid and you give him a hug and a kiss and you get back in the car and you take them home and you're at home and they're having a nap, sit down and be like, man, what happened there? What was it that just happened? You take a pen and paper, your journal, and you just ask yourself questions.

8:21What happened? Why was I triggered? Is that how I want to be? Is that how I want my children to remember me when they're 20 years old and they've moved out of the house? And you start to actually just get, once again, really curious about yourself, not push it under the rug and be ashamed of it and act like it's not there because it's there. But maybe there was something for me to learn. That moment was an opportunity for you to learn and for you to grow. Did you take the universe up on that opportunity? Hmm. Something to think about, right? That's much. I love my podcast. I love that you're listening.

8:58It's better than the podcast is for you to sit down and for you to learn yourself. That's ultimately what you're here to do and try to get better and try to remove yourself from the triggers and become more free. Your boyfriend or girlfriend forgets to call you and it triggers you and you start freaking out. Why is that? Maybe you sit down and journal and you start realizing, Oh my God. Now. Okay. So hold on. Here's what happened. So they didn't call me. I thought they were going to call me and I got triggered. Is that their fault? No, it's not their fault. It's my fault that I got triggered. Okay.

9:34I need to take responsibility for it. Why did I get triggered? Hmm. I don't really know why I got triggered. Did it remind me of something? Maybe it didn't remind me of something from past relationships. Did it remind me of something of my childhood. Oh my gosh. Yes. Clicks in. It triggered me because I have a fear of abandonment from my childhood and the way that my parents treated me. That's your trigger. Sure. You can blame it on them if you'd like to and say, it's your fault that you didn't call me, but you can take a step back and say, okay, I'm an adult. I'm 32 years old, whatever, however old you might be.

10:08I'm 32 years old. There's something I'm supposed to learn here. I'm not really sure what it is. Let me get curious about it. Let me act like I don't know myself. And let me act like I'm just another person sitting down asking this person questions because I want to learn them. I want to get curious about them. When you start to see this and you start to do this, you really start to understand that all of life is a lesson. All of your life is your classroom. As I said earlier, your life is a perfectly crafted curriculum for you to evolve into the highest version of yourself. Everything. Love is a lesson.

10:47Loss is a lesson. Sadness is a lesson. Happiness is a lesson. Anger is a lesson. Joy is a lesson. Frustration is a lesson. Yelling is a lesson. All of those things are a lesson. Every single thing is an opportunity for you to learn and grow. Are you picking up on them or are you trying to act like they're not there? Are you a people pleaser? Why are you a people pleaser? Where did that come from? Do you want to continue to be a people pleaser? Anytime you miss these lessons, you're missing the opportunity to grow. And so it's really important to have this journaling practice. Like a lot of people have like a gratitude journal.

11:24I think that's beautiful to be grateful for something. But if you just sit down, write the right three things that you're grateful for every single morning, you're also missing your lessons, opportunities to learn and to grow and to improve yourself in many ways. I'm not saying don't be grateful. You definitely should do that. You definitely should keep that gratitude journal. But in the end of those three things, say, hey, you know what? Like what happened yesterday? You know, there was that moment where my spouse came in and they tried to give me feedback and they actually did it in a very loving way.

11:56And I blew up on them. Am I good at taking feedback? Were they just trying to give me loving feedback and I'm bad at it? Why am I bad at taking feedback? Huh? Does this relate to my childhood? FYI, I guess almost all of the time it does relate to your childhood in some way. Okay. How does it relate to my childhood? Oh, you know what? I remember my mom used to always overcorrect me in every single thing. And it used to drive me crazy. And now when someone tries to give me feedback, I get that same feeling inside of me. And because I get that same feeling inside of me, I lash out because I don't want to feel that way anymore.

12:31So I want you to understand that all of this is very important. There's always something for you to learn. And I realize that this might not be for everybody because maybe you just want to listen and read and just feel like you're growing. But if you're really wanting to get into the nitty gritty of learning who you are, act as if you are a therapist sitting down with you. And that therapist is just trying to figure out who you are and figure out they can make some connections because what happens is as you start to journal as you start to get curious about yourself you really start to connect the dots and I recommend that you don't do this in your head you do it on pen and paper because it takes more time with pen and paper it takes more intention and you can actually see it there and so you actually start making more connections oh my gosh I never realized that the reason why I was triggered by my girlfriend not calling me back is because it reminded me of my fear of abandonment that I got from my childhood because my dad used to say that he would pick me up and then he would never show.

13:29So what I'm doing is I'm actually using my girlfriend as a proxy for my dad. Holy shit. Look at what I've just discovered about myself. You think you know yourself until you really start journaling and getting curious about yourself. And then you realize there have been patterns, subconscious patterns running your life that you've been totally unconscious of. The highest version of you is not found in a book. It's on the other side of a breakdown. It's on the other side of being triggered. It's on the other side of your life when you get really curious about it. Notice how you're feeling. Notice when you feel a feeling in your body shift.

14:06You were calm five minutes ago. Now you're feeling anxious. Why am I feeling anxious right now? Notice the feeling. Breathe for a second. Get into your body. Breathe in the feeling. Don't resist it. Ask yourself, what am I feeling? oh man I'm feeling really anxious right now why am I feeling this way oh man I'm not really sure let me get curious what's been happening today is there something that maybe happened an hour ago that's making me feel anxious maybe it's just living and taking up energy in my subconscious and I just kind of push it away oh my gosh yeah that person said that thing to me that made me feel worthless oh I'm noticing patterns within myself and you start noticing patterns inside of yourself.

14:49It's pattern recognition. And then once you start noticing the patterns, you can ask yourself, do I want to keep these patterns? Do I want to continue down this path of being this way? Because absolutely you have great patterns. You have beautiful patterns inside of you as well. Or there are some patterns where you're like, I could see how that's not going to serve the greater good for who I'm trying to become. Being triggered is a gift. Don't resist it. it's there for you your resistance doesn't help you your your acting like it's not there doesn't help you it doesn't help you it doesn't help your loved ones it doesn't help the world it's showing you it is it is putting a a spotlight on your insecurities on your fears on your limiting beliefs it's putting a spotlight on it and allowing you to see it it's showing you where you are not free.

15:42It's showing you a part of your mind where you're still holding yourself inside of a straitjacket. You can learn from it. You can grow from it and you can always become better from it as well. And so please grow yourself. Please read. Please go to conferences. Please invest in many different ways, courses, coaches, all of those things. But your life is the place where there's actually the most lessons. Your life is the classroom. Be curious about yourself. Be curious about who you are and where your patents came from. And you'll become very self-aware of who you are. And you can start to work through the things that you want to change from there.

16:17So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a favor, share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in at Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. The only way this podcast grows is from you guys actually sharing it. And so I greatly appreciate if this has impacted your life in any sort of way, please share it. It allows more people to finest that allows us to grow and allows us to impact the world, which is really, truly all I really want to do. So if you do that, I'd greatly appreciate it. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode.

16:46Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.