You Think You’re Self-Aware? Think Again.

0:07Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. Hope you have an amazing day. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put episodes four times a week, every single week for the past almost 10 years. And so if you're ready to learn and grow and improve yourself and you want some short, to the point, no BS podcasting to improve yourself, this is it, hit that subscribe button. Today, we're gonna be talking about how what you perceive in your life usually isn't 100 % of the story and how perception is not reality and how you have these things called cognitive distortions that actually are a mental filter on your brain that actually change reality in front of you so that you see reality in a specific way.

0:57I want you to understand that there is no such thing as your perception being full 100 % reality. If you look at it, subjective perception, is subjective reality, not perception is reality. People always say like, oh, perception is reality. No, no, no, no, no. Subjective perception is subjective reality. Your perception is not absolute reality. In fact, your perception usually isn't reality at all because like I said, your brain filters and distorts everything that comes in through your five senses. So all of these billions and millions of bits of information come in through your five senses. And then your brain has to make some sort of sense of it.

1:40It has to put things into boxes and labels and hopefully try to make as many things as possible fit into these boxes. And so what it does is it filters everything that goes through your senses, through conditionings, through the way you were raised, through millions and millions of experiences that you've had in your life. These little distortions in psychology are actually called cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are biased ways of thinking that reinforce thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. And they're really common in many mental health conditions such as depression, such as anxiety, but we all have them.

2:22They're not just in anxiety and depression. We all have them, even if you don't have any sort of mental health diagnosis at all. And so understanding your cognitive distortions is one of the most critical steps in improving your mental health and also creating better self-awareness and overall a better life. Let's talk a little bit more about him real quick so I can really talk about how to fix him. What are cognitive distortions? Cognitive distortions are irrational, biased thoughts that perpetuate negative thinking patterns that you have. And so if you think, oh, the world's out to get me, you're going to see all of the ways in which the world is out to get you or that all men are cheaters.

3:02You're going to see all of the ways that men are cheaters or this type of person is bad. You're going to see all the ways where that type of person is bad. They're basically errors in your thinking that distort your perception of reality. And these distortions are basically automatic. They're unconscious most of the time. Usually if, you know, it's a person who doesn't work on themselves and they're not very self-aware, they just don't even notice in the first place because they're so deeply ingrained, they often occur without us even being aware of them. They go unnoticed unless you pay more attention.

3:36And that's why I always say this, and this is really what they say in cognitive behavioral therapy, is to question the validity of your thoughts. When you have thoughts that are getting in the way of the life that you want to create, you've got to question to see, is this actually valid? And that's where questioning the validity of your thoughts comes from, is because cognitive distortions will come in change reality in front of you, you think that it's real reality, and then you've got to go, hold on, is this valid or is this just me? And so I'm going to give you a few different types of really, really common cognitive distortions.

4:11I think I got like six of them for you, okay? Number one is one that's called all or nothing thinking. This is also known as black or white thinking. This distortion tends to see things in very absolute terms. For example, if I'm not perfect, I'm a total failure. That's all or nothing thinking. Or I didn't get an A on the test, so I must be stupid. I miss a deadline at work. Now I'm never going to get a promotion. And maybe you're working on your fitness and you eat bad one meal. Say, I'm never going to hit my fitness goals. And so it's like all or nothing. And if you think that way, it tends to derail you when you're trying to get better.

4:46If you think, okay, I eat bad one time, you know, maybe you have 17 days of really good fitness and eating really healthy. And then, you know, you have a little bit too much ice cream one night and you're like, I'm never going to hit my fitness goals. And you're focusing on this one moment where you ate a lot of ice cream and you're not even paying attention to the other 17 days where you did really well. And so you just give up. I'm never going to hit my fitness goals. You see how that's a distortion? It's distorting reality in front of you. So that's the first one is all or nothing thinking.

5:17The second one is overgeneralization. and this involves broad conclusions based off of a single event. It is very similar, not exactly the same thing as all or nothing thinking. For instance, I failed this test, so I'm gonna fail all of my tests or I felt awkward at this party and I'm always awkward in social situations or I failed this exam, so I'm gonna fail all of my classes. And so what happens is we take one event and we just put a broad stroke over all of the rest of the events that are gonna be happening in the future. That's overgeneralization. The third one is called negative mental filter, which is another way of calling it negativity bias is what it is.

5:59The distortion involves focusing solely on the negative aspects of a situation and then just ignoring all of the positive. So for an example, I made a mistake on my presentation. So the whole presentation was a disaster. Or, you know, you get a work review and it says great job here great job here great job here this needs improvement great job here great job here and then all of your focus goes to needs the improvement like you don't pay attention to any of the great jobs the one thing you focus on is needs the improvement like i remember when i first started putting content out online about nine years ago i remember i had one video that did really well and it was on Facebook and I had like a thousand positive comments and there was one negative comment.

6:49And like two hours later, I'm walking around my house and I'm ruminating and thinking about that one negative comment. I'm not paying attention to any of the thousand positive ones. I'm focusing on just the one negative one. You know, it's like you can have a, maybe you go out to a party, you have a great time at a party. And I don't know if you've ever done this. I've done this many times. You say one thing a little bit weird, or you say something that might be just a little bit different. You don't get the reaction that you want to. And you go home and you dwell on that one negative, that one thing so negatively.

7:25And you think, oh my God, everyone must think that I'm so awkward. I hope they didn't think that what I said meant X, Y, Z. And so you're focusing on just that one thing. And so that's the negative mental filter. The fourth one, which is very common, is discounting the positive. We do this a lot. People do this a lot. I see it all of the time with people. What you're basically doing is you're dismissing the positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. And the reason why is because they don't really line up with your filter of yourself and what you think of yourself. So you want to dismiss that.

7:59So an example of this would be like, I only did well on the assignment because it was easy. You know, I'm sure everybody did well on it. You know, you think you're going to fail something, you get an A. You know, like, well, yeah, I only did that. I only got an A because it was easy. Not because I'm smart, not because I did well. I'm sure everybody else did well. Or, you know, maybe we'll go back to the presentation at work. You do a presentation at work and everyone's like, oh, great job, great job. And you're like, well, they only said great job because they feel bad for me. And maybe you, this one happens all the time.

8:29I see this one more common than any of the other ones. you get a compliment and you're like, oh, they're just being nice. They don't think I actually look good. Like so many people, it's really, really hard for them to take compliments from other people because it doesn't line up with what they actually think of themselves. And so they're like, oh no, no, they're just being nice. They just, they don't actually think I look good. If you have trouble taking compliments, discounting the positive could be a cognitive distortion that you might have. The fifth one is labeling and it involves attaching a negative label to yourself or even to other people as well.

9:03So for example, let's say you, you mess something up. And so you're like, I'm such an idiot. Or you fail a math test and you say, I'm terrible at math. Or you screw something up at work and you're like, I'm terrible at my job. Or once again, you say something weird at a party and you're like, oh, I'm just so awkward. Or you lose your temper one day after having a hard day in front of your children, like I'm a terrible parent. Or you sleep in one morning and you're like, I'm just lazy. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. What you're doing is you're labeling yourself and attaching an identity to a behavior.

9:39So, you know, the behavior was you mess something up. I'm an idiot. That's just a behavior, right? If you screw something up at work, that's just a behavior. I'm terrible at my job. And so what you're doing is you're making a behavior and turning it into an actual label and identity for yourself, which is very dangerous to do. So that's the fifth one. And then the sixth one, which is very common as well, is catastrophizing. So this cognitive distortion is where a person expects the worst possible outcome in almost every single situation. So they just imagine the worst that could happen no matter what.

10:11And it leads to increased anxiety, stress, and a sense of helplessness because you really can't control the majority of stuff that happens in your life. You know, like let's say you make a small mistake at work and you think, oh, well, I messed up this project. I'm going to get fired. That doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. But what happens is a tiny little thing turns into this big explosion, catastrophizing. So you're making a catastrophe out of something that's small. No, you just messed up a work project. Doesn't mean you're going to get fired. Or, you know, going back to say something awkward at a party.

10:42It's like everyone must think that I'm an idiot. it. They never want to talk to me again. Right. That's catastrophizing. Maybe, you know, you're you're in a relationship with someone and your partner doesn't reply to your text message for a few hours and you're like, they must be angry with me. They want to break up. Right. That's that's what catastrophizing looks like versus just looking at the reality of being like reality is they haven't text back in a few hours. They're out with their friends. Maybe they're having fun. Maybe this phone died. Maybe whatever. But you're like catastrophizing a small event.

11:13And that's how you can see reality gets distorted. And so why do we have cognitive distortions? That's really what pops into my head. Why do we have these then? It comes down to something that's actually called secondary gains. And so it's actually doing something for us, believe it or not, even if we don't know that it is. Really what it is more than anything else is it is a defense mechanism in some way. And it can keep us in our comfort zone so that we feel safe. That would be the secondary gain that we get out of it. It can make us not want to get into another relationship so that we don't get hurt.

11:48That's the secondary gain. There's always some sort of secondary gain that comes from these defense mechanisms. It's protecting you in some sort of way. Maybe, yeah, that can be good sometimes. But the problem is in the long run, it means us not having the life that we truly want. And it can make you feel safe or right or whatever it is in the short run. But in the long run, they can make you miserable unless you start to actually see reality for what it is. So in the short run, what I'm saying is it's the defense mechanism, right? In the long run, it becomes part of your personality and it can throw your life off course.

12:27It can cause depression. It could cause anxiety. Or it could just be something as simple as just not reaching your potential because, you know, short-term avoidance turns into long-term suffering. Whenever you're avoiding something that you really want and you're avoiding and avoiding the feelings or the emotions or whatever it is, it turns into long-term suffering. And so how do you get past these cognitive distortions? So maybe you're at the point where you're noticing, oh, you know what? That one cognitive distortion that he just said really hits home for me. Well, how do I get past that thing?

12:58The first thing is, as always, it's always the first thing for me is awareness. you need to become aware of yourself. You need to start becoming more aware of your thinking. And so when it pops up, write it down, get really clear on like, okay, I was just, I just did this thing. Is that absolute reality? Probably not. Okay. So what happened? I'm going to write it down. I'm gonna get really clear on what actually happened in reality and how I distorted reality and start thinking about that. Right? So that's the first thing, become very aware of it and And writing it down helps you get more clear because you have to put it on paper.

13:32Second thing is to ask yourself what short-term benefit of thinking that thought would be. And so find the secondary benefit. Is it defending you from something? Is it protecting you from feeling a certain way? Is it trying to make me feel safe? Is it me trying to be right? Oh yeah, I'm just, I'm always bad at math, right? Or is it trying to reinforce an identity or a label that you already have of yourself? Oh, they're just being nice. They're giving me a compliment because they actually think I look terrible and they want to make me feel good. That's reinforcing an identity of, oh, I'm ugly or I'm unlovable or I don't look good or I can't lose weight or whatever it might be.

14:12Remember, short-term safety, long-term consequence. And so then you got to ask yourself, what are the long-term consequences of me believing this thought that I'm believing? thinking. So that's the second thing. Number three is to learn to challenge the distorted thinking. So you look at it, and I do this with people all the time when I do one-on-one coaching sessions and, you know, like Mindset University and stuff like that, where I run, you know, weekly coaching sessions and I work with people live. And I'll notice someone has a cognitive distortion. And I'll be like, is what you said absolutely true?

14:48And they're like, well, it's true. And I'm like, no, no, no. Is it absolutely true that you're terrible at math? Is it absolutely true that you're unlovable? Is it absolutely true that you screw every single thing up in your entire life? And what happens is most people, it's not true. It's true to them, but it's not objectively true in reality. So I say like, what would a friend say? Would they believe the exact same thing that you believe or would they have a different perspective? So you do the exact same thing for yourself. Is this absolutely true? This thing that I'm believing, is it absolutely true?

15:23Or is it just like true to me, but not objectively true? If I brought one of my friends in here, what would they say? Would they believe the exact same thing that I'm saying? Or would they might, maybe they have a different perspective. And so then you've got to ask yourself, that's step number three. Number four is you've got to do opposite thinking, which is what's the exact opposite of what I'm thinking? And how would my life be different if I believed this thing instead. So if someone says, oh, I look really good. And it's like, well, I don't think that I look good. I think that I look terrible.

15:52I think that I look ugly. Okay. So what's the opposite of that? Well, that I actually do look good. Okay. Well, how would my life be different if I did believe this instead? And so you start testing the boundaries, playing a little bit devil's advocate with opposite thinking. And then what you do, the last part of it, number five, is to replace the thought with the thought that you prefer. So if you're saying, okay, does this thinking, if I were to keep it for the rest of my life, would it help me get to where I want to go in life, this cognitive distortion, I bet you it's probably not going to help you out.

16:21I'll put it that way. If I were to be able to have a magic wand and to just replace this thought with a thought that would help me out, what would it be? And that's what I'm going to do. When I start noticing the cognitive distortion pop up, I'm going to replace a new thought. I'm going to replace a new thought. I'm going to replace a new thought. And you do this over and over and over again. You start realizing, oh my God, like I'm lying to myself all the time. I'm distorting reality all the time to make me feel safe, to keep me small, to keep me in my comfort zone, to reinforce what I already believe about myself or my identity or the world.

16:53And so you've got to start challenging yourself, start thinking differently. You realize that you're distorting reality hundreds of times a day. And the more that you start realizing that your perception is not reality, you start realizing, oh my God, like I can kind of let go of some things. realize that the way I see the world is not absolutely how reality is. And if that's the case, maybe I can change the way that I'm distorting it. I would rather distort reality for my benefit versus my demise. And so if we're distorting it, let's try to distort it for our benefit more than anything else. And if you do that, your life will be better and you'll start to actually create the thoughts and the beliefs and the actions that you need to to create the life that you want.

17:34So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a massive favor. If you've never done it before, but you've listened to 20 or 30 or 100 of these episodes, please share this podcast, however you listen to it. Help us pay it forward so that more people can find this podcast because hopefully we can impact more people's lives. And if you do that, I'd greatly appreciate it. And with that, I'm gonna leave it the same way to leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.