A conversation with Kelsey Lu about new album 'So Help Me God'

0:12Kelsey Lu:Hello and welcome to the Monaco Weekly. I am Fernando Augusto Pacheco and this week I speak with singer and classically trained cellist Kelsey Lu about their new album So Help Me God. It was a pleasure to welcome Kelsey to the studio.

0:34Oh, my God.

1:09So much of this album was kind of healing my inner child and getting back into a sense of play. Even though, you know, I'm talking about serious things or not always, but Running to Pain is like this pop ballad. But lyrically, it's not all woohoo. It's celebratory, you know, it's victorious. And I think there are a lot of songs on the album that are like that. Victorious, but also a bit like haunting. A lot of the visual world of the album was created around a lot of dream work that I've done over the years or reoccurring dreams that I've had ever since I was a child. One of them, the most potent one actually, was a dream where, and I had it for as long back as I can remember up until I left home.

2:14And every time that I would have it, I would be the same age that I currently was in. And it would start out in bed. There was this creature in the corner. And I knew I had to leave. I had to get out. I needed to, like, put a light on. I could feel its presence, but I didn't know exactly. I, like, didn't have the will to do it. Something was, like, holding me down. And then I eventually found the will to get up, and I had to really, like,

2:53everything, like, every muscle that I had to get out of bed. And I turned on the light, and then I ran out of the house as fast as possible. And then I was running down my street. The light posts were lighting the way, and there was this amber glow. and I was running and it was almost as if I was running on a globe. I could never see the end and all alongside either side of me were rows and rows of storage units that all looked exactly the same. And then I could feel this creature behind me and I was so afraid to turn around. I didn't know if the road would ever end. And so I turned down one of the aisles, the storage units, and then I opened a door.

3:48And all of a sudden it was like I was in this cathedral that also felt like Home Depot. And there were just rows and rows of stacked lumber and all of these men walking around in hard hats. and I was ducking behind each aisle and I could feel the creature getting closer and then there was just all of a sudden this hole in the ground and I didn't know where it led but I knew that I had to jump through it and I jumped through it and then I was just falling and falling into nothingness and it was just black and then I could see myself falling I was outside of my body and then in my body again And as soon as I came into my body, I would see from below me the roof of my house that I grew up in.

4:45And then I would crash through the roof and then into my bedroom and then through my bed and then into nothingness and then into the roof and into the bed. Nothingness, roof, bed, over and over again. until I would crash into my room and I'd see myself lying there in bed. And as soon as I would crash into myself, then I would wake up. And there were these collections of dreams that I really wanted to try and turn into. Like, how can I create a space of dreaming? You know, dreaming is such a personal thing. And sometimes when you try to tell somebody your dream, they're like, I don't really get it.

5:30Kelsey Lu:I was very invested in you. You're just telling me now. I'm kind of a storyteller. You are. You know, with Penumbra, I was like, how can I create these different spaces? But then also telling the arc of the album, which is sifting and drifting between lightness and darkness, between shadow and light. And Penumbra is like the gray, the in-between. And with life, it's neither white or black. There's a spectrum. And I think within the seven years of making this, there's been so many in-betweens, whether it's me despising music, like making it, it being a place of pain or a place of joy. I feel like I dreamt of being able to present this album in this kind of way where I'm a performance artist, but I'm also a pop star.

6:34yeah it's a spectrum my art is a total spectrum and i think being able to marry the work that i've done within the art world or within the fashion world or within just you know cinema cinema like all of these things and the dancer josh johnson and the musicians that are part of it i've known for years. Mikkel, who plays piano, I've known since I was 15, and my sister was playing violin. Alicia Hall-Moran, who's the vocalist, she was in that opera that I made, This Is A Test. Josh Johnson and I go back many years, and we started embodying the physicality of the album last year in Zurich where he's based.

7:31I'm able to take my time. I'm also able to do something in no time.

7:37Kelsey Lu:Which is quite precious in today's world to take your time, especially, as you say, for a pop star like you. I'm sure there were demands for a newer album maybe a little bit sooner or something like that, right? Oh, what was great about this record was that I wasn't on anyone else's time but my own. the last album I was on Columbia's time and I'm like three years I'm like that was nothing like wow to think there was a moment within making blood that I was I was rushed in that time which I was I remember at one point the what are they A &R's was this was maybe like two years in I was at some event and he was bragging about how he had a girlfriend because he was such a player and everybody and he was like can you believe it can you believe that I and I was like I don't care and he was like but within this same within the same vein of this of speaking about that immediately turned to be like so are you done yet but are you done yet though i'm like wait what you're done right come on you've got to be finished i'm like oh we're talking about my album now what i'm an artist give me my time you know like what like no it's not it's not done yet but you know like earth mama the first film my first feature film i scored I had four weeks, and then the second film that I did, Daughters, I was given a 10-day deadline.

9:20And I think I fulfilled both pretty well. Daughters, after it premiered at Sundance, and then it was picked up by Netflix, had a bit more time. We were given a little bit more time to extend the deadline. But both had finished relatively quickly. a lot of collaborations that I've done with artists or yeah, there's things that I haven't taken seven years to complete, but

9:48Kelsey Lu:this is your album, right? It's your solo album, it's not a soundtrack

10:35It is, it is mine. And this one, you know, after I was dropped from Columbia, I was just, okay, well, and now I make the next album. I didn't think about how long it would take. I didn't think it would take seven years. But I also needed to find my way back to many things within that time. And yeah, I think, like, it took the time that it needed to. And I think seven years is like a full cycle.

11:09Kelsey Lu:How much have you changed musically 2019? Because it's very Kelsey Loon, the new album. So of course it's you for people who know your work. But there are new kind of music styles, perhaps a little bit darker. There's some guitars. There's been a change, right? I think there's been a natural evolution. I think with scoring, I grew a bit more muscular in my production and composing. Good word. And also confidence. I think that my voice has changed. I've grown into my voice more. It's matured. There's so much more that I know now than I did then. And I think maybe then I was like a bit more, I don't want to say afraid, but confrontation.

12:06Like I didn't really want to be like confrontational as much. Not saying that there was a lot of confrontation in the making of this, but I think that if I wasn't comfortable in the way something was going, say with a collaborator or something, I felt maybe less awkward about bringing those things up. It feels a bit more expansive.

12:29Kelsey Lu:The first song itself, Reaper, that's the longest song. It's over eight minutes. I think it's wonderful. It's one of my favorites as well. I think that's a good kind of introduction to the album, right? Yeah, mine too. For a while, I don't know why I say this as if I don't think it anymore, but it kind of felt like a sort of thesis of the album in a way. You know, it starts off maybe, oh, you know where this is going. It feels a little familiar, maybe a little like Carole King ode in a way, in a sense. And then it starts to shift a bit. It's structurally pretty loose. Which I like. Yes, me too.

13:13And then it just kind of takes a turn. And then you think maybe the song's over. and then it opens up into something completely different. It kind of feels like three acts in a way. And that second act is almost like this liminal, this dream liminal space. You're kind of floating. It's like the coagulo space before a caterpillar becomes a butterfly when it's just this goo and a little shell and like a delicate shell. it's like the metamorphosis is the first song the beginning is the caterpillar and then the middle is the goo you know formlessness and then the end is the blossoming butterfly yeah there's different story arcs it's a conversation between myself with myself and and myself with God, and myself with death.

14:15And then there are talks amongst one another in this sort of trinity of spaces of conversation. I think a lot of the songs are a bit, yeah, I'm talking to myself a lot.

14:29Kelsey Lu:And do you, I mean, because when I listen to the album, I think of film a lot, I think of cinema, and a lot of music critics describe your music as cinematic, but it is true. I mean, there is something to, I wonder how much that influenced you. Are you, do you watch films every day? I mean, tell me your relationship with cinema. Another one of my favorite songs, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, you know, that's super cinematic. Yeah, I actually did write after watching the film. Which is great. Which is an amazing film. Also, there is a connection with the film then because I thought it was just kind of a coincidence.

15:06No, no. Okay. No. direct reference direct reference

15:49I watched that film for the first time over the pandemic and I was like, yeah, locked down with my girlfriend at the time and we were like at the beginning of our relationship and it was tough. I was like going through what felt like this an intense breakup with music or what I thought like maybe my musical journey was going to be and breaking up with that idea or ideal. and while also in this new relationship that I didn't think I'd be like all of a sudden living with this person and while in that going through pains and then realizing like oh I'm longing for someone else and that also feels a little forbidden but also that feeling like a juicy fruit and kind of entangled with all of these emotions.

16:51And then while watching that film, I was like, oh, oh my God, yes. And then watch it like three times in a row. And then I started writing this song. When it came to titling, I mean, I just put that as like a temporary title, thinking I'd change it at some point, but I never could. It's just too fitting. It's a song about longing and also of maybe a fantasy of wanting something and realizing the fantasy is probably better than the real thing. But yeah, cinema, I love films. I think that comes from growing up. We would watch movies every Friday. There was like a public library a couple blocks away from home.

17:43We'd go to the library and check out VHSs for the weekend to watch. And the selection was, like, limited to what's in a public library. Just a lot of, like, old films, you know, a lot of, like, noirs or a lot of musicals. And then when I went to art school, one of my best friends was in the film school. And so they were constantly watching movies. And I remember when I did, I did, did, I mean, I guess it is a drug, took Adderall for the first time. And I just watched movies all night. I was like, I can't sleep. And I just watched movie after movie after movie. I love storytelling, the craft of it all.

18:32The craft that goes into making a film is just, it's really, it's incredible. All of the people that are involved into making this magic happen. It's somewhere where you can escape. It's somewhere where you can feel seen or you can be disgusted or horrified or cry. You know, it's like...

18:54Kelsey Lu:When you're alive, do you think you're in a film sometimes? I don't know. That's very different. Every day. Every day. Maybe you're in the Blue Nose performing, you know, I don't know. Oh my gosh. I mean, yeah. I think every day is a movie. It could be your own movie. But a lot of things happen in my life that feel impossible. Almost. It does feel like this is a movie. Maybe a documentary. a documentary yeah by the way I'm not sure but are you planning to do more gigs later this year I don't know how much you can tell us yeah definitely there'll be more performances in fall I'll be touring the album comes out in June 12th and so come fall there'll be some dates floating around for sure

19:59Holy comfort, I'm trying to find you I hear you calling

20:13Holy comfort, I'm fighting to find you I'll feel you somewhere In the near future

20:37Kelsey Lu:Thank you very much, Kelsey Lou there. So Help Me, God is out from the 12th of June. I'm Fernando Gusto Pacheco and the show was edited by Jack Dewars. Thank you for listening. Thank you.