What's Your Achilles' Heel?

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0:59If you could change one thing about your behavior, what would it be? What would it be? One thing about your behavior. What would it be? Yes? I'd be less compulsive to solve other people's problems. Really? Yeah. Do you really have time for that? No. I don't get any of my own stuff done. But you're worried about other people's problems? Yeah. Oh, I just took...oh, that's amazing. Because I think we all have so many problems of our own, I just didn't even know what it would be like to try to figure out somebody else's. Well, when you have kids and you think that you want to save them some troubles or heartaches, as soon as they have a problem...

1:34They don't listen to you. I know, but I try to... Yeah? I try to dive right in and help them out. Oh, but you can't...you know that you can't save them. No. You just have to be there to catch them once they've gone in and pull them out before they drown. That's it. Okay, anybody else? Yes, yes. I just want to slow down a little bit. I'm always in a hurry. My kids are little, and I don't want to be sorry later that I missed it. you know, we're able to enjoy them. I'm always going to work, running around. So what would it take for you to do that? I don't know. Well, if you don't know, who might know the answer to that question?

2:07You know what I mean? Like to let the laundry go or to let the... Just to be able to spend more time with them and relax instead of always being on the go. On the go. Yeah. Okay. So, again, what would it take for you to do that? What would you have to let go of to do that? I'd probably have to change my personality a little bit and learn to let things go. Uh-huh. And so where would you like... Not to worry about everything. Okay. So you would start with a little thing, like, say, laundry maybe. Yeah. Uh-huh. And so when would you be about the business of doing that? Because this is what I'm about, you know, using this show to help people change themselves.

2:42And it just is so bothersome to me that year after year, we keep repeating the same things in our lives and expecting different results, when really you just have to settle inside yourself and decide what you want, because you can have what you want. The problem is most people are being ordered by somebody else's priorities or have their priorities all messed up. So once you decide what is important and then you start taking action to do what is important, then that will happen. That's why when I said, you know, who's going to change it? When you say, I don't know, nobody. So what would it take, like today, for you to stop running around, because you know your kids are going to grow up.

3:21Right. I just have to take the time. And what would that mean? Stop doing worrying about everything else and worry just about spending time with them. And today, today, what are you going to give up? Would you like to have some time to think about it? Yes. Okay. See, that's the moment when you use that. That's the moment when you say, let me get back to you. Okay, where's Michelle? Michelle, where are you? Yes? Right here. Uh-huh. Basically, my Achilles' heel is I talk way too much. Uh-huh. It's not just that, though. I find myself coming up to complete strangers and telling my life story for no specific reason.

4:02You know her? Yeah. This is my niece. And, for example, my daughter had a birthday party and invited her over. She had a lot of her coworkers there. Well, Michelle came with her husband, and Michelle started talking. She monopolized the entire conversation. We had to hear about what her children ate, the tapes they watched. I mean, everybody was so disgusted because most of them were single, didn't have children. They had to listen to her. She doesn't know when to shut up. When to stop. Thank you. And then the other thing that she really has to work on is, well, she's home alone all day with her children.

4:40Oh, that's why she doesn't know when to shut up because when she gets real conversation. And when she calls on the phone, Well, if you have that ID thing, you know, you don't have to answer. But if you don't, then you have to answer the phone. And I was talking to her. She calls me all the time. I love her dearly. She's a doll. And I don't want to hurt her feelings. But after an hour of what the kids... But here comes the butt. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but get ready. Brace yourself. After an hour about what they did, what they ate, and what they wore, I fell asleep and started snoring on the phone.

5:14On the phone? on the phone. Whoa. And all of a sudden you hear, Auntie Patty, wake up! Wake up! You're snoring! And I was like... And I thought, oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, Michelle, that is bad. I'm so embarrassed. Well, when you don't... I mean, it sounds stupid, but when you watch children's shows all day long, you do finger painting, you do coloring with your kids, your life is so involved with it. She has every Barney memorized. Yeah. But, I mean, you don't seem to have an outside life. Oh, you need a life for yourself. Yeah. She's in too much. You know, and when you get an adult conversation, even if it's going to the store or a perfect stranger at the grocery store or whatever, it's so nice to have someone talk back to you instead of going, Mama.

5:55But you don't give them a chance to talk, obviously. That's what she said. She falls asleep before baby talk. Okay, Debra. Debra, disease to police. Where's Debra? Right here. Over, Kate. Debra? Yes. I have...my problem is I do not know how to say no. Mm-hmm. I went to a store the other day just to look around for little boy suits, and this guy brought me the salesman, a hideous tie. So I was like, well, I think that's too bold. He's like, no, you need it for the little boy. I was like, no, I don't think so. He's like, put a down payment on it. I said, I don't have no money. He's like... I don't have no money.

6:28I don't have no money. That means none at all. Yeah. That means get out of my face. Don't even try to talk to me. I'm surprised he didn't leave you alone. No, he told me, you don't have the money. I said, my mother has money. He says, well, send your mother. I said, I'll send my mother. You should have then just turned to him and said, you're being a little obnoxious, aren't you? Well, he told me to put a red rose on her so he'll know when she comes into the store. And then... Oh, you are a walking target. I'm always trying to please others. I'm always trying to please others. Why? I don't know.

7:03I have the faintest idea. Okay, well, then you need to answer that question for yourself. Now, I know my own answers. everybody else who has the disease to please, ask the question for yourself. Why? Why do you feel you have to say yes to everybody? Why? Rejection. Okay. Of what they might say or what they might do or... So what was it about that guy that you didn't even know in the store with an ugly tie that you know you didn't wanted that you felt some sense of rejection for? I don't know. I just felt like I didn't want to make him unhappy. I just wanted to... I mean, because he was pulling my hair.

7:46I mean, I mean, it was just a whole situation. And you wanted him to be happy. And you thought... I didn't want to hurt his feelings. About the tie. Right. I had a guy call me for the survey the other day, and he said, please help me. And we were on the phone for two hours. Oh. Oh. Target. I know it. I can tell you. Target. Target. A survey about what? I don't know. It's a medical. He wanted to know what hospital and when the hospital and where the hospital was. And you were on the phone with a guy doing... For two hours, and this was during dinner, and I was still feeding my son. I was like, are we almost done?

8:20He's like, well, please just help me. My commission's... Are we almost done when it's your house and your phone? Yeah, but he needed help because... He needed help? Yeah. Okay. All right. We'll visit that a moment later. Larry has to always be right. Larry? Well, yes, I like to be right. And when I...what really my Achilles heel is, when I am right and I try to convey the information like to my children, I've spent a lifetime of learning experience. And when I want to tell them something to save them from some harm, and they will say nothing, and then later on, someone else will tell them the same thing.

9:06And, oh, that other person gets all the credit. And I get no credit for having any brains whatsoever. And it makes me feel about that high. Uh-huh. And I just feel... So the issue really is, is that you want acknowledgement and credit and to feel valued by your children and other people. Yes. Uh-huh. So the issue isn't really about you proving yourself to be right. The issue is about you wanting knowledge, acknowledgement and credit. And credit. And feeling a sense of value. Right. Now, what about you that you don't feel that yourself, that you feel you got to get it from them? Because if you know you're right, why do you need them to affirm that for you?

9:41Well, I like to be acknowledged because then, first of all, they, like, just ignore me and think that I'm nuts. Like, if I tell my daughter-in-law, you know, those children are ill. What are you, a doctor? No, I'm not a doctor, but I've raised enough children that I know when a child is sick. Or when my, one of my granddaughters, her hair was falling out. Okay, let me ask you this. Let me, her hair was falling out. her hair got real thin. Uh-huh. And I told my daughter, I said, well, you know, take her and have her hair cut short. Yeah. And so she ignored me. A month later, she comes back and she says, I said, oh, she's got a haircut.

10:13She said, yeah, a friend of mine told me to have her hair cut short and it would make her hair grow back thicker. Well, didn't I tell you that a month ago? You know, like, don't I have any sense? Yeah. I understand what you're saying. And it makes me feel very, like, It takes all the wind out of my sails. Okay. Now, would you rather be right or do you want peace? I want both.

10:43Okay. I wanted to just say something to you all. All of you have the disease to please, that you get in life exactly what you intend. You all understand that? You understand the law of cause and effect that you have, at any given point in your life, whatever experience you're having, you're experiencing because there was an intention and a thought and then a behavior which you acted on based upon the intention and the thought, which was the cause, and then you're in the experience of the effect. So anytime you're experiencing anything, you can look back to what the original intention was and figure out why you're in that predicament.

11:19And this is what a huge lesson I learned because, you know, I am bombarded thousands of requests a week where everybody wanted me to be the spokesperson for this, and would you come to this ball and this charity, and would you just try to save this child? And you have to be able to hold on to the center of yourself. And it's no different than, you know, everybody demanding of you to be in the carpool or the guy wanting to sell the tie. It's just we're all bombarded. But the key in life is to be able to hold on to yourself, to the center of yourself. And this is what I learned about intention. All the times I used to say yes to people, my intention was to make them think I was a nice person, Make them think I was a nice person so that they wouldn't be mad at me, so they wouldn't feel like I hurt their feelings.

12:00And that's exactly what would happen. They'd say, what a nice person. Let me call her again. What a nice person. You can just call her at the last minute and get her to drive that carpool for you. What a nice person, because I got exactly what I intended. I intended to make the people feel like, listen, she's the person who will do anything at any time when you ask her, caller in the middle of the night?" And that's exactly the result I kept getting. And then when I decided to have a different intention, to teach people how to treat me, that, no, you can't call me at the last minute, and no, I'm not going to do everything that you ask, and no, I'm not just going to be there for you just because you said so, but I'm still a nice person, but I will define my niceness in terms of my own boundaries and my own terms.

12:45That is the key to being able to learn to say no. That was for me.

12:53It is. Because when you say you didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings, and he then is following you around and pulling your hair, and you didn't hurt his feelings. And when you say you didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings who was doing the survey, that's why you're on the phone for two hours, because that is your intention. That has nothing to do with him. Has everything to do with you. But you... it's deep and wide. Wes Roberts is the author of Protect Your Achilles' Heel, and Wes says that individual individual character flaws bring down a marriage, a friendship, a career, or an entire company because we all have an Achilles' heel.

13:27Wes, welcome to the show. Wes Thank you. So is an Achilles' heel a character flaw? Wes In the context of what I was writing about in the book, it's a character flaw. But an Achilles' heel can be a behavior pattern, as you just so eloquently addressed. And you have to be able to distinguish between a character flaw, which is a flaw in your intention. If your intention is mean-spirited, if it is selfish, if selfish... Or good-spirited. Or good-spirited, it makes a big difference. But a character flaw is something that over time can erode, you know, the bridge to success in your life or the bridge to significance in your life.

14:08Yeah, like if Michelle can't shut up and people can't get a word in edgewise. And see, that's more of a behavioral Achilles heel than it is a flaw in her character. her because she doesn't mean that mean-spirited, I don't think. Right. But it still has the same effect. Absolutely, because it gets in the way of her effectiveness with other people. And pretty soon they stop listening to her because she's always talking, always interrupting. Always. Well, yeah. But that has nothing to do with her. It's really the opposite, which is usually what happens with people. Like the most insecure people in the world are the ones who are the biggest jerks.

14:42Right. You know, you find that. Because what they're really trying to say is, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me, I'm secure. It's the need to get attention that builds their self-esteem to get over that insecurity. Okay. Let's talk about the need to be right. When you are always right, you can't always be right unless you're continually growing in progress in yourself. So you sometimes have to listen to other people, because that's where you get new ideas, new opinions from, and find new opportunities for your own personal growth and development that makes you even more right in the future.

15:14Okay. There are so many people intent on changing other people, a lot of y 'all. This will help you to change yourself. Who in your life makes you mad and why? Okay, who can answer that question? My mother and my sister. Okay. They don't give me enough attention. It's like I have to fight for their love. They take, but they don't give. Okay. What is it in life that gets in the way of your happiness and why? Yes, sir? Sarcastic people. Sarcastic people? Yeah. get in the way of your happiness? Yeah. I allow them to affect me and I don't know why. Do you run into a lot of sarcastic people? Yeah, a lot.

15:52In the business that I'm in now, there's like a lot of sarcastic people. What is that business? Right now I'm in musical theater. Uh-huh. I'm in town doing Rent High. Oh, Rent. Yeah, I love it. So, yeah, but they're like, it's a lot of sarcastic people and I'm not sarcastic, you know, so when I talk to someone, I talk to them the way I think I should be treated or talk to. So when I say hi and they go, yeah, I'm like, you know, easy. Easy, sugar, easy. Just say hi and walk away. You know, sarcasm just gets to me. What, is that a theater thing? It's not just a theater thing. It's like just with most people in life.

16:22It's like sometimes you're in a cab or something, or I'll walk into a store and I'm like, hi, sir, how are you today? And you're being nice and they're like, well, you know, I'm like, well, I'm trying to be nice to you, so. Okay, why does that always happen to you? Because I don't know. I don't know if it's like a pet peeve of mine, I guess, maybe growing up, I got a lot of that. Oh, well, that's why it keeps happening to you, for you to release it. Because I don't know how to let go of it, but I'm trying and, you know, a lot of people are trying to help. Oh, well, let me just tell you, if you don't know how to let go, that's when it slams you in the face.

16:47And it has been. I've been getting these rashes in my body because everything is, like, inside of me. You're getting rashes from other people's sarcasm? Yeah. It's crazy. It's affecting me. It really is. It's affecting me. I called my mom the other day and I was like, I'm going out of my mind because I've been in a room for about two years now, and it's like things are just happening. I have no one to talk to. I'm like, everything's just inside of me, so it's, like, affecting me. But I'm allowing it to happen, but I'm trying to work on it. Yes, I am. And you realize that it's not other people ever.

17:13It's me. It's you know it's you. It's all me. Okay. So when you answer the question about what is it about you that lets other people's sarcasm get to you, what is that answer? Since you've been thinking about it so much, what is that answer? I don't know. You don't know? Get back to me. Okay. Okay. What do you consider distractions? Who wants to answer that question? Yes, ma 'am. It's probably the negative people that you meet every day. You tell them you're about to do something and it's like they distract you or they take your attention away. Like if you tell them I'm about to go on a plane and they say, what if your plane crashes?

17:46And you're like, oh, okay. Or you know, you say you're about to do something and they say, you know, you can't do that. It's the people who are always holding you back by distracting you like towards the negative. Uh-huh. And there are so many of them. I mean, you go in the store and you say, you know, you try on something and they say, yeah, but you know, this just doesn't look right on you. Or, you know, it shows too much and it's like you think you're looking good and they're over picking out your negative aspects and you're like, oh, okay, so they distract your attention. From you, you're thinking...

18:12Are they trying to sell you a tie, too? Oh, no. No, no one can sell me anything I don't want to buy. Okay. But it's like people who you think you're right and then someone comes along and makes you believe otherwise. You know, they almost like take all your attention away and say... And then you start double-thinking yourself. You start to think, oh, maybe they're right. Maybe if I get on a plane... What if the plane does crash? You know, it's just, people just get your dog distracted. What if it does? Oh, well, then I'm dead. Maybe. Maybe, maybe not. Yeah. Okay. If you've reached any goal, any of your goals, are you as happy as you thought you'd be?

18:48That's a great question, Wes, isn't it? Thank you. Yeah, it is, because you see a lot of people reach their financial goals, whether it's a marriage, whether it's a job, whether it is having children, whether it's becoming a grandparent or achieving some other type of goal in their life, that after it's achieved, it doesn't have the happiness of that. Okay. Anybody here there in that position? You had a goal. You reached the goal. Come on. Yes. Well, this is really good because my goal was to lose weight. I used to be over 200 pounds. Wow. And... Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. And I reached that goal.

19:22And I, like you, was in Shape magazine. Really? Yes. My success story was in November's issue of Shape magazine. And was it as fulfilling to be, to reach the goal after... Yes, yes, it was. I had the help of my friends. I couldn't have done it without them supporting me all the way. I think I was self-conf... I had some self-confidence before, but it gave me more. I'm more confident when I go out. There's no question that it does that. Yeah. Yes, it gives me more self-confidence and I feel better. And now I can help others. I've done it and now people come to me at the health club and because they saw me through all this, they want to know how I did it.

19:55And I just tell them, follow me and I'm going to show you what I did and we'll do it. and they ask questions. And I think they're encouraged by my enthusiasm. So your answer is you reached the goal and it was as fulfilling and rewarding. Oh, yes, it was. Is there anybody here for whom, I understand that, anybody for whom you reached the goal and it was not? Okay, go ahead. And the reason it was not is because I think I have more fun getting there. What was the goal? Well, I succeeded in my business and gotten to the point where we're financially okay. And I like what I do. I love what I do. And getting there is more exciting for me than actually having gotten there.

20:28It's like thinking about Christmas and getting all of those gifts or buying the new couch And then all of a sudden that new couch is there and it's like it's just a couch What is on the agenda next and I really have more fun getting there than the actual goal. Yeah Okay, what is the number one problem in relationships that causes so much divorce you think number one problem is people going in two different Directions they are not working together in the sense of the of a core ideology, if you want to look at it that way, a core commitment. They get committed to other things other than the marriage and other than to each other.

21:01And it's easy to happen. They get caught up in their careers. They get caught up with their circle of friends. And pretty soon, what brought them together has evaporated. I know you talk in the book about a core ideology and about it as being one of the steps to commitment. But don't you think that part of the problem is that people don't have to identify their own personal ideology? Yeah, absolutely. They're just kind of willy-nilly, kind of getting through it, getting up, going through the routine, and become like zombies in the world, really. Right. And by the way, having your personal ideology, your personal ambitions does not have to get in the way of marriage.

21:37You can have two equally successful people, two people doing other things that doesn't make the marriage incompatible. But what happens is, in a marriage, you have to have something that keeps that marriage together. And over time, if it keeps chipping away, chipping away, pretty soon the marriage is over and you haven't even seen a lawyer yet. And that's because you've gone in separate directions. Separate directions. Anybody here who's been divorced understands that, right? Yes. That's it. Yes, very much so. I went to college and my wife didn't go to college, because that was always my life's dream, my life's ambition, was to get a college degree.

22:11And she said that that's where our troubles began. When you went to college? When I went to college and she didn't. and I grew up here and she stayed here. And as a result, we got a divorce. Well, in many cases that can work if the other person is supporting that ideology. Isn't that correct? Yeah, absolutely. In my own case, my wife went to college for a while. I went to college for nine years. But she continued to read and study with me, and she still reads and studies and teaches me things all of the time. So just because... You keep up with each other. Yeah, absolutely. It's a thing of... Well, this is what's so amazing to me.