Pause, Breathe, Reflect: How A Brush With Death Changed Michael O’Brien’s Life

29:52It was relatively, again, new property. I probably was the first cyclist riding that stretch of road at that hour. You know, the sun was coming up and he probably in a million years never thought there would be a cyclist there. So let me just cut the apex as I go into work because I'm running late and I'm there, right? It's like, boom, timing. I wake up five minutes later. Heck, if I wake up a minute later or go a minute earlier, almost like the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow, it doesn't happen then. so but it happens i regain consciousness i'm surrounded by emt police fire ambulance they brought the state trooper in to pronounce me dead at the scene of the accident because they didn't think i was going to make it and i was trying to get my bearings i didn't have any id on me at the time.

30:54So I was trauma patient mango until my wife ID'd me. And they just kept on saying like, who are you? Like, you know, I kept on telling them who I was. At least I thought it was clear, but it probably wasn't. I did crack a joke because I learned growing up the way to cut tension when it gets uncomfortable is do a little humor. So I was like, Hey, how's my bike? like any good cyclist. Like any good cyclist, right? It's the question that every cyclist knows. They're like, your bike's fine. Just try to breathe. And there I was, Rich. I was surrounded by people, but I felt incredibly lonely. I was like, this can't be happening.

31:34Like, this isn't the script. Like, bad things happen to other people. I'm the person that gives their thoughts and prayers to other people when bad things happened to other people, but nothing bad had ever happened to me. And there I was lying on the asphalt. They called the helicopter to bring me to Albuquerque. I tried to convince them that I didn't need to go in the helicopter because I was scared of flying back then. I was like, do we really need to go in the helicopter? Because that seems like really dangerous. I still had some of my bearings straight. And they're like, yeah, we need to get you to Albuquerque right away.

32:16And when they put me on the medevac, I made a commitment. I was like, all right, whoever's listening. It was a complete bargain that I had no idea how to actually pull through. But I go, if anyone's listening, I promise if I live, because that was definitely in question based on the energy of the scene. I will live better. I'll stop chasing happiness because that was my chase, like the hamster wheel. I was like, I'll do better. Like, thanks for the warning, but like, I will do better. And I remember every minute of the 19 minutes that it took to get to Albuquerque, I landed on the roof. They brought me down into the trauma center.

32:58There were about 20 people in the trauma room. I met my surgeon and I was like, pleasure to meet you under the circumstances. And then the next thing I know, I was out. And I was out for about four days and change. And my wife flew out with our youngest. And when they told her that things were like bad, but you got to come out, she didn't think they were that bad. In fact, what she said at first, like, can you patch him up and just fly him home? He's crashed before. But they're like, no, you really have to come out. And so she landed. And as she's flying out, every time she would check in with the hospital, I was still in the trauma center.

33:43And she was like, well, this is weird. Well, at first she thought, well, probably someone else who's been injured worse than Michael got bumped in front of him. So this is no big deal. But when she landed and got to the hospital, I was still in the trauma room. And at that point in time, things got really real. And she said, I don't care who comes out of that room next, but I need to know what's happening with my husband. And the vascular surgeon came out and said, your husband's been in a very bad accident. We're doing the best we can. The next 72 hours are going to be critical. And that's when it really, yeah, became real for her.

34:24She was like, oh, like we might lose him. Yeah. And I think at some point, didn't the surgeon tell your wife, listen, had he been a couple of years older or not in as good of shape, he most certainly would have died. Yeah. They told her later, if your husband had been 10 years older or not in shape, he would never made it to the hospital because I lost so much blood. When the left femur shattered, it lacerated the femoral artery. So I was bleeding out and we didn't really know it until we got there and they started trying to fix me up. And they didn't really complete all my fractures in that first surgery.

35:08They really just tried to fix the left femur and fix the femoral tear. So I have a fem pop bypass in my left leg. and then the right leg and everything else they waited for like later to address so here we are like married seven years our oldest is three and a half our youngest is seven months old and our world just got tipped upside down and it's a story that a lot of families deal with every day. And it's what happens when the unexpected comes. And now you're faced with, all right, how do you want to show up? Life's pretty easy. You can follow the script fairly well when things are groovy, when things are simple.

35:56But now it was, all right, now what? Now what do you do?

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39:30This question or this bargain that you made with God, if I survive this, I will no longer chase happiness, is a very interesting bargain. it's unique. Because I think most people would say, if I live, I promise I'll be a good person or I will stop doing whatever bad thing I've been doing or you know what I mean? But there's something very specific about the prompt of I will no longer chase happiness. How did you have the awareness to hone in on that of all things that you could be thinking about in that liminal space between life and death? Well, first off, I'm not sure if I was talking to God.

40:15I was just talking to whoever was listening. The higher power. Like the higher power. Sure. A lot of people after the accident shared with me, man, God was looking out for you. And I was like, really? Like, where was she, they, he? Right before impact. because I was pretty angry at the higher power for letting this happen to begin with. Going back to Zig Ziglar, he would talk about living a be, have, do life or do, have, be. Basically, we're doing all this work to have stuff and then once you have this stuff, you can actually be who you want to be. So that phrase from Zig was a seed that was planted.

41:01So I knew, I think deep down inside, I was living life that way. I was working really hard, putting in the hours so I could have stuff. I could have status. My big chase was, I want a voice that matters. Because again, going back to childhood, I'm not sure if my voice matters. I'm not sure if I'm really wanted. Again, grew up in a loving family. My parents were really kind, but I still had that doubt. And so I knew I was chasing after it because once I got something, I felt good for a bit and then vanished. So there was something in that whole chasing. And I do think the tapes I was listening to from Zig was a seed that was planted on that specific thing.

41:48So I was calling out like whoever has power around here, anyone? Like if I stop chasing happiness, if I live, I'll stop. I'll do better. I'll try to be in the moment. And I had no idea how I was going to do that because the only thing I knew was the chase for more stuff and the whole do more, be more type of thing. For a lot of people who suffer some kind of hardship or reach a pain point or some kind of acute extreme experience like that, it's, of course, not uncommon for some version of, you know, that kind of bargain making, you know, to occur. but there's a half-life on that. The human brain has a way of snapping back and just going back to what's normal once the severity of the situation passes.

42:39But you've held that promise, you know, and we're human. I'm sure you haven't done it perfectly or whatever, but like this to this day has persisted as your raison d 'etre, like this is what drives you. Absolutely. And initially, and this is a bit of the thread from childhood, initially in my recovery, what I wanted to do was to prove that my life was worth saving that day. So I was like, I'm going to make good on this promise. Because I have so much gratitude for everyone who showed up that day. They didn't ask me who I voted for. They didn't ask me what type of people I love. They didn't ask me anything about where I lived or how much money I made.

43:32Granted, I'm a white dude. And that gave me some privilege right from the rip because we all have bias. But they showed up and they were on their game. And if they weren't, I don't survive. Or maybe I come away with injuries that don't allow me to recover. in the way that I have. So I was like, wow, like, man, they showed up. They really showed up. And the early phases of my recovery was like, all right, now I'm going to prove that. Like my life was worth saving. It was a transactional thing. I've come to realize that my life was worth saving, period. Full stop. Because all of our lives are worth saving.

44:14But in the early days, the real fuel for this was, I'm going to prove that I matter. I'm like, you did a good thing and I'm going to show you, you did a good thing. And I haven't been perfect. There have been times where I get caught in the chase when I left my corporate life and I started my life as an entrepreneur. It's easy to get caught into this whole new world. Like, oh, this is what you need to do. And this, you should do this and not that. And you got to get back on it. And you start comparing yourself to other people who are out there. And then I would check myself. and I would come back.

44:50Right. Why isn't it pause, breathe, reflect, like on par with calm or like all of that kind of comparison stuff. Like I deserve a seat at the table. Like what's that about? Like, and it's just like, that doesn't seem fair. And like all that, I am human. I have moments where I go back to that groove from when I was younger. I'm better at knowing when I feel it generally in my body Be like, okay, that's what's happening. You come back home, you come back to your center. But yeah, I've had all that. Or when I got to the executive suite in my career and I'm like, all right, now what? Because I had blown past my aspirational job in my corporate life.

45:38And I really didn't go after the executive role until people said, you need to do this role. I'm like, really? I'm happy. I got the job that I wanted to get coming out of college. This is good. Like I made it. They're like, no, no, you got to go to the next one. I'm like, oh, okay. We'll make people happy. Yeah. You got to do it for our culture. You got to go after this job. I'm like, but I don't want to. And they were like, you really need to. And I was like, okay. And I'm glad I did it. I learned a whole bunch about executive leadership and it's put me in a beautiful position today. But yeah, I've had my moments.

46:18I still have my moments where I get caught up in all the things that make us human. And instead of putting a rock in my backpack now, I sit with it. I reflect on it. I deal with it in a healthier way than when I did it before. So my backpack is really light today because I don't have so many rocks in it. In the aftermath of the accident, just paint the picture of the state of the union. Like what were your injuries and what was that recovery like for you? It was a mess. That was, I felt rich. Every type of pain you can feel. Chronic pain, sharp acute pain, a stinging pain. Like, you can name a sensation related to pain, and I think I've felt it through this whole thing.

47:20And when I came out of the ICU, they started telling me about, all right, here's what happened. Driver had a revoke license. I'm like, oh, great. So he shouldn't have been driving that day? Yep, he shouldn't have been driving. I'm like, well, this is a fine hello. How do you do? So here I am. I'm all laid up. In the hospital, when it gets dark, it gets really lonely. It's just you and beeping machines. And I'm like, why'd this happen to me? I would cry a ton. My parents came out and I knew I was a mess when my parents came out because my mom did not want to fly. But the early days of the recovery, I felt like my whole sense of dignity was stripped away.

48:04Because here you are. so I'm in the ICU for four days and change. I'm on a whole bunch of different meds. They got pain meds dripping through me in an IV and my body's shutting down. So the big thing they want you to do is, all right, have you had a bowel movement? So here I am, a 33-year-old man, naked on top of a bedpan. I can't move around. My leg's in traction. I can't really deal with my right shoulder because that's broken because my right leg was broken in multiple spots. The right shoulder was fractured. The left femur was blown apart. I have a fem pop bypass. I have nerve damage throughout my left leg.

48:47I can't really feel my toes. I have a toe drop in my left foot. So there is a lot going on. And the bottom of my foot, though, would feel like fireworks going off because all the nerve pain that was flaring up. and I just remember just like being on this bedpan and everyone's around me and there's just like a little curtain and everyone's like, did you poop yet, Michael? Did you poop yet? And I'm like, is this it? Like, is this my life now? Like everyone's giving me advice on how to move my bowels and I go, this is probably the lowest we can go. And I just felt sorry for myself. But at the same time, my front was, all right, we're going to make it happen.

49:31But deep down inside, I was like, who am I going to become now? Like my identity was that of a professional, of a leader, a dad, a husband, someone who is active. And the doctors basically said, listen, you're probably going to walk with difficulty and you're most likely based on your injuries, never going to get back on the bike again. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. This should not have happened. And I spent 10 days in New Mexico. They're going to fly me back on a medical jet, which I thought, oh, we're flying on a Learjet. Like this is going to be like Van Halen. Like this is going to be cool.

50:17So they put me on the air ambulance back to New Jersey for my first visit to a hospital in New Jersey. I throw a blood clot during that trip. So now I'm on Coumadin and no one wants to take me. So, cause I don't really have any medical providers back in New Jersey cause I'm relatively healthy. So I would never go to the doctor and I'm 33. Things are fine. I don't need to go to the doctor. The doctor is something that old people go to who are sick. So you don't have like a primary care. I have no primary care. So we are trying to figure out how to get to the closest trauma one hospital near where we live.

50:58And luckily, one of our neighbors at the time was a plastic surgeon at Hackensack, the trauma one center that everyone wanted me to go to. And she made the admissions possible. So my story is a team story. We'll get into this, but it's a whole Peloton story. So here, she's so kind. She makes this happen. And her and her team do my surgery there, which was skin grafts to close up all my fasciotomies. Because I lost so much blood, they had to cut fasciotomies in my left leg, like basically incisions to let my leg expand and swell up. So the medical team there in New Mexico, they looked at me and they're like, wow, you look a lot different than your earlier photos because I was all fluid up.

51:56I was really swelling like Michelin, man. So that surgery, I did skin graft, my skin graft operations. Then I healed up and then they sent me to West Orange, New Jersey, the Kessler Institute for Rehabilitation, where they took my Superman, Christopher Reeves, after his equestrian event. And I spent several months there. And when I was there, that's when I was like, okay, perspective is valuable. Because up until that point, I was the worst off in the orthopedic wing of any hospital I was at. And then I went to Kessler and my first three roommates were all quadriplegic. And I was like, oh, okay, this could have been a lot worse.

52:43And so then I started getting into, okay, how can I make this recovery happen? And then a mentor shared some advice with me. He said, listen, everything is neutral until you label it. Because I was having a pity party. I would have good moments and I would have some really dark moments. And he said, everything's neutral until you label it. This is an event and you get to choose how you want to look at it. And at first, Rich, I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. Like, is this some Jedi mindset trick? And he went on, he said, listen, there's some neutrality. And I think it ties back to what Viktor Frankl wrote, you know, in between stimulus and response, there's a space.

53:28And in that space is your ability to choose and your freedom to grow. So he's like, let's just give it some space. You get to decide how you want to look at this. And I was like, okay. And eventually after that moment, I saw, okay, well, I can have some neutrality in all my moments. I can choose my labels wisely. And then subsequently I labeled the day of the accident, my last bad day. Cause I started to look at that as like one really bad moment. But if I have people in my life when I fall asleep at night who I love and love me back, how can I call the whole day a bad one? So I was like, all right, I'm going to draw a line in the sand.

54:09This is going to be my last bad day. And I'm going to take an attitude that life is a series of moments throughout the day. Some are really good. Some are really challenging. But when we get to the end of the day, I'm not going to use binary labels to sum up how the day went. So I'm going to just try to live fully into that experience of all the different moments. Making a conscious decision to apply this frame, this way of perceiving what occurred to you, and locking in on that creates like this rubric for you to understand your life and move forward. And I assume that this person, was it David?

54:54Yeah, David. Well, David was a mentor of mine that I write about. He's in the ICU. So here I'm in the ICU. I don't remember anything about the ICU. I told my wife to buy Amazon stock. So I'm all drugged up. I'm strapped down because I'm - Good advice at the time. It was$11. I don't know if we really - She should have done that. I told people, like, I don't think we bought it, but we might have bought it through a mutual fund or something like that. Imagine if she sold your house and just bought it Amazon-style. We could have had a yacht next to Jeff Bezos. Yeah, it would have been really fantastic.

55:31Except that I don't want a yacht. But here I am in the ICU. I have tubes coming out of me left, right, and center. They're strapping me down because I'm really agitated. I'm pulling at everything. And so I went to her and I said, Amazon, it's going to be a hot company. We should buy some stock. This is 2001. 2001, right? So I also interview her for a job on my team. 45 minutes. I go through the whole interview guide, Rich. Those are some good meds. Well, I've lived a very clean life. So I - Low tolerance. Yeah, I took nothing at all growing up. here I am, like a lot of meds all at once. And so she, you know, she was patient with me.

56:18She went through the whole interview and I get to the end of the interview. And I said, listen, it's going to take me a while to get back to you. I've had a little accident. So I don't know when we're going to actually hire her. So she's writing down all these notes. But I also said to her, hey, go find David. He will show us the way. And David is a friend, a mentor. He was also a coach that my company had hired to help us with a co-promote relationship with another healthcare company. And I didn't know back then that executive coaching was a thing. You know, again, there's now a zillion executive coaches out there in the world.

56:58But back then, it was rare. And his sensibility, his energy, his approach was like, oh, wow. So you don't have to be some bro and be successful. So that was really the first opening. And we had been working with him for about six months. So here I am in the ICU and I'm telling her to go find David. And I came out of the ICU and Lynn asked, she's like, well, who's David? And I'm the type of guy that would never talk about work at home. I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, you just kept on telling me to go find David, that he's going to find the way for us. You know, we'll follow the way from David.

57:36And I was like, whoa, that's a matzo ball. But she doesn't even know who David is because you never brought work home. But the other ripple there is that that is some level of awareness that you had at this time. Like you were able to connect the dots later to that kind of instinct, like reach out for David. And perhaps walking in David's footsteps provided this new future for how your life might unfold. Yeah. So as I talked about, you know, I shared just a minute ago, like where I am today is due to so many people planting seeds along the way. And I think this is true for all of our lives. Like people are planting seeds and showing up in our lives in so many incredible ways.

58:25we're just not mindful of all of it happening. But that moment when I came out of the ICU and she said that, I was like, oh, that's something. I'm holding on to that one. Again, I didn't know what to do with it, but I was like, there's something there. And through other mentors, it's like this whole notion that, hey, everything's neutral until you label it. And then I came to this Buddhist parable about first arrow, second arrow. And then my last bad day label made a lot of sense. And so that story is about a warrior goes into the woods and she gets struck by an arrow or he or they. And doesn't really see where the arrow comes from.

59:09but it's hit by this first arrow. It's quite painful. They fall down. They wonder how they're going to get back up. And this first arrow is like the arrows that we get hit with from outside of who we are, the external arrows in life, the things that are happening all around us. But as they feel the pain of this first arrow, they start to ruminate. They start to fester around the pain that this is causing. Why did this happen? I have to get back at the person who shot this arrow at me and goes on and on. It creates this big tail and a whole bunch of energy and it adds to the pain of the first arrow.

59:47That's the second arrow. And so what I've done since learning about that story, again, just to reinforce the whole last bad day notion, is that I'm going to have first arrows in my life. We all do. They're going to suck. They're going to be painful. We won't want them to happen. But I've made a determination that I was going to try my best not to shoot any more second arrows at me. Because before my accident, I was really good at shooting second arrows at myself, as we all do. We beat ourselves up all the time. So this whole first arrow, second arrow parable has stayed with me as a way to reinforce the notion of my last bad day.

1:00:30Because when people first hear that, they're like, oh, this is like a unicorn and rainbow positivity thing. Right. Yeah, it has nothing to do with that. It's about the acknowledgement that our life is a series of moments. And we're going to feel a whole bunch of different feelings and have different experiences from the moment we get up to the moment we go to bed at night. And I'm not going to label the whole day in such binary fashion like I used to before my accident. it's very human of course to feel angry at the driver that hit you and to on some level you know desire revenge and all of that i mean that is the second arrow right so on a very practical level how did you transcend you know that need to get back at this person who had done you so wrong oh i had so many schemes rich i mean was there a criminal case or a civil suit or anything like that?

1:01:30Like what was the aftermath of that with that guy? Really nothing. So what had happened is that the property was built on indigenous land. So in a lot of ways, I was not hit in New Mexico. So there was a court case, you know, in the Pueblo's court that we went back for, But there was no jail. Like he was driving with a revoked license. He had, I think, five DUIs on his record. Wow. Yeah. And those are the ones that we knew of. But there was really no punishment because to go to jail, you would have to go to a county jail, which the Pueblo would have to finance. And they didn't have money to do that.

1:02:20So the judge gave him a big scolding and community service, but nothing ever happened to that. And that would just serve to deepen your anger and resentment. How is it possible that this guy could do this to me and literally walk away from it? That's what happened. So in the early days, I had a lot of time on my hands. You know, I couldn't read. You know, I basically had the attention span for Us Magazine, but not People. because the only thing I could really handle was like who wore it best. That's a very specific nuance. People were bringing me stuff to read. I'm like, I don't have the brain capacity to do any heavy reading.

1:03:01People magazine long reads versus Us magazine photo captions. Absolutely. And I can handle Us, but I couldn't handle people. That's where I was. So I would plot. I was like, okay, how can I get back at this guy? Because I grew up believing like an eye for an eye. Like you harm me. I'm going to harm you. If you hit me, I'm going to hit you back harder. I was coming up with schemes in the middle of the night. None of them made sense. But over time, as I eventually left the hospital system because insurance kicked us out, plus I wanted to get home. I was tired of being in the hospital. I was tired of that life, and I just wanted to come back home.

1:03:46I wanted to smell our house. I wanted to hear the neighborhood. And so I was eager to come home and insurance wanted me to get home. And as I continued my progress a little bit each day, so I had a little mantra, work hard today to create a better tomorrow, work hard today, create a better tomorrow. And that was like my mantra every morning. And over time, as my functionality got better, my revenge orientation toward the driver eased. But I still had a great deal of that, especially in the moments where I would re-injure myself or things got complicated or I was feeling the effects of my injuries and my accident.

1:04:30I was like, that driver, man, he got off scot-free. that accident took a moment and now I have a chronic life condition. It was so unfair. Like, I just wanted to get back at him. We took a family vacation in 2012 to Europe. We went to Normandy. We went to Paris. We visited some friends who live in Basel. And we also had a private tour along with 50 other people of Auschwitz from a Holocaust survivor, Eva Kaur, who passed away in 2019 at 96. But she came from Europe. Her and her twin sister survived. The rest of her family didn't. And she gave us a tour of her life fit Auschwitz. And for me, this was stuff that I was supposed to learn in high school, in history class.

1:05:30But since I wasn't a really great student, I sort of just paid attention enough. My wife is Jewish. We raised our girls Jewish. So my wife knew Eva because she donated to her Holocaust Museum in Terre Haute. So we had this opportunity to go to Krakow, Poland, take the train and do this tour. And Eva's known because she did a forgiveness project, which is controversial, as you can imagine. But she decided that she was going to forgive the Germans and the Nazis, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because she did. She thought if she held on to the hatred that she had for them, she couldn't live the life that she wanted to live.

1:06:17She couldn't be the light she wanted to be. Here we are. It's the middle of July. It feels like death there. Sun's beating down and she's sharing the story. And I'm like, man, if she can forgive them, like what's stopping me for forgiving him? And on the train ride back, I was like, all right, let me figure out how I can actually forgive him to take another rock out of my backpack. and that was it like she but that was 11 years 11 years I was hey yeah I've been carrying that backpack around like you know as we all do like my whole life now it's pretty empty it's not completely empty we still have some stuff because you know we still are living but yeah I carried that around with me for 11 years now the rock that was in my backpack in the very beginning felt like a boulder.

1:07:12Like every time I had a pain or a hurt or I couldn't do something or I was struggling with rehab, man, I went back to that guy like, God damn him. Why did he do that? Why did this happen to me? It took a while to get to why did this happen for me? You know, because a lot of people will be quick to be like, well, let's move Michael from, you know, This happening to you, to this happening for you. And sometimes those questions are really brilliant. And I've shared them with other people myself. But there's a timing to that question. Sure. No one wants to hear about why it's happening for them. Yeah, in the moment.

1:07:51Like I'm in this like muddy, gross, difficult moment. And I'm like, I do not need that right now. I just want you to understand that I'm in pain. and just be okay with that. But that first rock about him was really heavy. And then over time, it got smaller and smaller and smaller, but it was still there until we took that trip in 2012. And so when I rode my bike across the country in 2022, we went through Terre Haute and Lynn was able to go to the museum. She had been passed for three years, but we still wanted to go to candles there and pay our respects.

1:08:40I own a bunch of spectacles and I made the grave error the other day of donning a normal non-Roka pair on my indoor trainer when I was riding my bike indoors. And I got to tell you, it was a disaster. Every three to five seconds, I had to take my hands off the handlebars and pushed my glasses back up my nose until I got so frustrated I just tossed them aside. This is the dilemma of every active but optically impaired person I know. And as someone who has relied upon eyewear every single day since I was five years old, it is also the source of endless aggravation. Thankfully, now eradicated thanks to Broca, the stylish performance eyewear company founded by two former Stanford swimming teammates of mine who have gifted everyone like me and quite frankly, the world with their fashionable line of super lightweight prescription glasses and sunglasses with patented no-slip nose and temple pads that are just impervious to sweat.

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1:10:15On the physical side of things, you undergo countless procedures. I don't know how many surgeries. About 13. 13 surgeries. Lucky 13 like Taylor Swift. months and months before you were able to go home? And then how long before you got back on the bike? Because I know that's its own kind of challenge and story. Yeah, so I started to fall in love with going to rehab. And so a really funny story, when my oldest was in a preschool, she said something to one of the preschool teachers about daddy being in rehab and the teacher was like that's really good that's really good honey like that's good that your dad's getting help she didn't know about the whole accident she was a new teacher and i was like well what are you talking about but so physical rehab for me it felt great it was structured i felt supported and I was getting ready for another surgery.

1:11:19And then we finally had that surgery. I had that surgery at the Hospital for Special Surgery in New York, which took a while to get to. My trauma surgeon had to send a few letters to the surgeon at HSS because, again, here I am. I'm unknown. I'm a trauma patient now. And not everyone wants to handle a trauma patient because we're complicated. But eventually we have the surgery. Because what was happening was my left leg wasn't flexing enough. And I wanted to see if I could get back on the bike. So the leg was shorter. It was behaving shorter than my right. And it wasn't flexing enough. And so this surgery we had, and it was a success.

1:12:04Although when I went into it, the surgeon said, listen, this is really complicated. What happened when the bone started to heal, I had a whole bunch of heterotrophic ossification. So the body went crazy laying down bone. So I had all this extra bone around my knee joint. And so they had to chip some of that away, but they were worried if they chipped that away, they could damage the fem pop bypass. And if that bypass gets damaged, then I might lose the leg. So here I am getting ready for the surgery. He said, listen, this is complicated. If something happens while you're under anesthesia, we're not going to bring you back.

1:12:43we're just gonna do what we need to do to save your life so I woke up I saw my toes I was like okay good surgery and I was making progress and then my physical therapist said listen it's time to get back on the bike and I'm like well I don't want to get back on the bike I like I like coming here like this is good like this is contained it felt safe and she said you can't come back to rehab until you try to get back on the bike. And I was like, well, that's not right. I'm the patient. You can't do this. I have insurance. You need to see me. And she said, no, really, you're not going to get treated again until you try.

1:13:26So this was someone in my life now who is pushing my buttons. And we need people like that in our lives. And I drove home that day and I went to my wife and I was like, I can't believe her. She said, I can't come back until I get back on the bike. And I was venting and I was all pissed off and I was the patient and I have rights and whole shebang. And then the next day I went for a bike ride. We went to the industrial park where we do Thursday night bike races. The kids came and we were all in our van and I got on the bike and I was all wobbly and my dynamics on the bike as far as position on the bike was all a mess.

1:14:04And I just started riding. I was like, okay, all right. I didn't have really great balance. My pedal stroke wasn't fluid, but man, Rich, it felt so good. I was like, okay, all right. And I would just do laps. It was a mile loop at this industrial park. And I was like, okay, cool. The girls and my wife went to go get hot chocolate or something, even though it was August. I'm not sure why they went for hot chocolate, but that's the story and we're sticking to it. And while they're away, I was like, all right, let's go on the road. So this is a road that I ride on to this day, you know, 1 ,000, 2 ,000, 3 ,000 times.

1:14:42So I get on the road. I start heading towards New York because I live right in the corner of New Jersey, New York. And I could feel something coming up behind me. And I'm like, I look over and it's an SUV coming right at me, white. It was a Ford Expedition. the bigger version of the Explorer. And I was like, you got to be kidding me. Like right now, like I'm not ready for this. And I held my breath and I gripped my handlebars and the whole shebang, I stopped pedaling and it flew past me. It was speeding like most cars do. And once it went past me, I was like, oh, okay, I think I can do this. Was the Explorer that hit you also white?

1:15:30Yeah. Same color. Same color, everything, but just bigger. And here's the thing. A lot of people wonder, like, what was your hesitancy, you know, around getting back on the bike? Was it traffic? And it really wasn't traffic. What it was, was I didn't want to see how far I had to go to feel, quote unquote, normal again. how I share this is when we're on a diet right we're trying to lose a few pounds and you don't want to get on the scale because you know the scale is not going to lie but you put on your jeans that you haven't washed in about three weeks and they feel looser you're like no these jeans feel really good like and they're loose because you haven't washed them in a while and you don't want to get on the scale because you know the scale is going to be really truthful with you I knew getting on the bike was going to be truth serum like I was going to find out really quickly how far I had to go to get back to normal outside on a bike.

1:16:31Up until that moment, I was doing the exercise bike in the rehab facility, and I thought I was making progress. So that first ride was, okay, I dealt with the traffic thing that was something, but it wasn't the main barrier. And then I was like, oh, okay, you got a ways to go to get back to quote unquote normal. But that's when I basically use my method of like, okay, small steps consistently over time. So I would ride just a little bit further and then a little bit further and then maybe a little bit faster. And I would just do that. And that's what I did since that moment. So that was August, 2002.

1:17:14And I just kept on laying down like longer rides and longer rides. And then I did a charity ride from the Twin Towers to Washington, D.C. in 2003. And then I just kept on doing like small rides and small incremental improvements and getting faster and riding with the big fast ride, the rocket ride. And I'd get dropped at one town and the next week I'd be dropped in the next town. and that's how I built up my fitness again and then in 2008 I had my first bike race back right where I had that first ride yeah yeah yeah you mentioned trying to get back to normal but like what is what is normal even right like and why are you even establishing that as like the goal.

1:18:08Like it's a new world now. And like I've seen your left leg, like it looks different. Like, I don't know whether that's the skin grafts, but it almost looks like you're missing, you know, certain swaths of muscle in there. Oh, I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's, there's so much scar tissue in my left leg that there's spaces where it should be muscle, that muscle can't grow there. It's like trying to plant something in rocky soil. Yeah, it looks like somebody took a ice cream scooper and just scooped out. Yeah. Still to this day when I ride, every now and again, another cyclist will glance down at it.

1:18:48And some people will say something and other people will just like look. And if someone asks, they're like, what happened? I'm like, shark, shark bite. They're like, really? I go, no, no, like SUV. be. And then I tell them, listen, you should be really so much far in front of me, you know, because I'm riding like with 1.8 legs. That was sort of my story for the longest time until I had my total knee replacement. And I guess it's still part of my story, but the way I looked at my left leg, it was like 0.8 of a leg. So the way I would celebrate my little wins with these big rides would be like, I'm keeping up with these guys and I have 1.8 legs and they have two.

1:19:31Like, all right, Michael, you're doing a good job. Like, keep it, keep at it, keep at it, like keep moving. And back to the question, like what's normal back then, that was my fascination, right? As I was continuing to unpack and sort of the unbecoming of who I was. So I still had some old scripts of like, oh, let's get back to normal. In society today, we still have that. And we went through this incredible shared experience known as the pandemic. And the big push is, so are we back to normal? And normal is not a thing. Like what's normal? Normal is just what we're acclimated to or feel comfortable with, right?

1:20:15And it's a way of being in the world that makes other people comfortable. Yeah, it feels safe. It feels certain. It feels secure. the great lie of course beneath all of it is is this sense of agency and control that is an illusion yeah yeah like we feel like we're completely in control but when you get outside and you look up you realize like you're just a little dot on this big blue marble traveling through space and we don't have as much control as we we desire and the world's always going to be uncertain. There will always be a bit of insecurity in it. And so how do we want to dance with it?

1:21:02Right. That can be very fear producing, or you can put a different frame on that perspective being like kind of what you talk about so much and look at it as sort of a liberation. Yeah. Yeah. A lightness. Within which there is great opportunity to reimagine what you want your life to look like. And just to kind of put a button on the cycling aspect of this, you rode across the country, 4 ,300 miles from Oregon to Virginia. You've done all these cycling adventures and kind of ultra endurance things in that world. But more importantly, all of these things that you've learned through this very extreme experience then begin to translate into all the other areas of your life, not the least of which is your professional life.

1:21:53Yeah, my professional life and really just how I show up today as a person. We've done some pretty cool ultra endurance things since the accident. And for me, I try to do these big things around the anniversary of my accident as a way to celebrate life and really get into it. And also show that we can overcome some of our most challenging moments that we face. So during the pandemic, I rode 19 hours. This is 2020. I rode 19 hours inside on Zwift, which was crazy. I tried to raise money for 19 charities. supporting COVID-19. So it also happened to be the 19th anniversary of my accident date. And as you mentioned, I rode my bike across the country on a newly minted total knee replacement.

1:22:48And that total knee replacement was a result of the initial trauma. And then a couple months ago, I rode across New York state. And next year I'll do something else that's pretty big. those are awesome and fun and great achievements and I don't do those alone but what I'm most proud of is just how I'm showing up as a person as a friend as a husband as a dad and what this moment that happened 22 years ago how it's rippled into the current version of who I am. I'm so fortunate, along with my wife, we've raised two really good humans, you know, and our daughters who are 23 and 26. And for me, I'm like, job well done.

1:23:37Like all this other stuff is really fulfilling and awesome. But in a lot of ways, it's gravy, it's whipped cream, because my primary job is to be a dad, like to put good humans in the world that will put beautiful ripples into it so we can keep, you know, bending the curve towards a world that I think most people seek where there's more love and peace in it. There's more understanding. There's more belonging. We hear and see and love each other more deeply today than we did yesterday. To me, like that's the job. And we've been able together, along with their efforts as our daughters, to become really cool humans, really cool adults.

1:24:31And it's that work that I'm most proud of. Yeah. What is really important. Yeah. That's it. Like my feeling is that we all get to wake up every day and be very intentional about how we're showing up in the world. My language is what kind of ripple you're rippling into the world. What are you putting out there? Because at the end of the day, we're all in these big meat sacks that look good for a few years. And then we have a few scars and blemishes and gray hairs and wrinkles and we get shorter and all that jazz and all that stuff that part of our aging is so beautiful. But ultimately, it's what kind of energy you're putting out into the world.

1:25:21And we are living in a time right now that is calling us to put strong, positive ripples into the world because I believe we live at an inflection point. I do believe that a lot of the things that have happened are happening for us in such a way where we get to make decisions about how we want to move forward. I came through my accident. A lot of people would tell me like, well, this happened for a reason. And I don't necessarily think things happen for a reason. I think things happen. And then we give it meaning. We give it reason. So all that we've lived through over the last four years, over the last 10 years, all these different moments, I think we can put a lot of meaning towards it that can propel us or motivate us to putting more goodness and peace in the world.

1:26:19And that's how I look at it. Well, we certainly have more access and tools available to us to facilitate that. But it also feels like a very strange time in which what really travels most is acrimony and controversy and negativity and violence. These are the things that, you know, our internet is kind of wired for our information systems, whether it's the news or, you know, whatever appears when you scroll through your social media. And it makes me feel like to put a message of hope and positivity out there is almost like an act of rebellion because it's counter-programming against what the algorithms know people actually want to see or what they engage with the most.

1:27:14Yeah, and it takes so many more people to override the algorithm. them. We need a whole bunch of tiny ripples out there to overpower the divisiveness. And I also think we need just simple connection. You know, when I rode across the country, I rode through states that see the world not the way I see it. Like their lived experience, where they live, is quite different than mine. But what was common is this. I think we all go through moments of pain. There's suffering, right? There's suffering in life, as Buddha said. And for different reasons, we just have this pain that we're all dealing with.

1:28:05And I think COVID is this huge experience that accelerated a bit of the breaking apart. Like for me, my accident broke me apart, right? I was this form broke me apart. And then I went through a process of coming back together in some ways, becoming a different version of who I was by letting go of some of the stuff that I thought I was. I think we're struggling. And this is more global, you know, global and here in the US that COVID did a number on us and broke us apart. And now we're trying to figure out, okay, how do we come back together? How do we make sense of this? How can we turn this into something that can create something that has a different type of beauty?

1:28:56And I think we're living in that moment. It takes a lot of courage and empathy and compassion and love and kindness and all these other great attributes to bring us together. So as I rode across the country, I met a whole bunch of different people. And if we were online, we probably could throw arrows at each other politically or how we saw the world. But when I sat down with people, we have so much in common. There was a connection and just we saw our humanness. And I went into Rushville, Indiana, the Mocha Moose Cafe and Antiques. So here I'm coming through. Rushville celebrated their 250th anniversary in 2022.

1:29:42So it's small town America, farm country, a pretty rad part of Indiana, as Indiana's rad anyway. And I walk in for a latte and a blueberry muffin. It was like mid-morning. And there was a table of 12 elders. They all had their coffee, clutching their coffee. and I could only imagine they were talking about whatever they were talking about, world events, town dynamics, you name it. And as I waited for my latte, one woman said, hey, biker, come over here. And we got into like a 25-minute conversation about what I was doing and we laughed and we chuckled and we had like just this great conversation.

1:30:29And as I left, again, they didn't really ask me anything about like who I voted for, who I prayed to, any of that. They all said, you know, bless you. And it was a little bit of like the whole cafe was listening in. And there was this whole notion of like, you know, like may you be well. And I think if we can take a little bit more of that posture of like, may you be well as I come in contact with you, it's a way for us to build connection and hopefully more belonging so we can heal what needs to be healed because i think we have some healing to do i think we have a lot of healing to do yeah but yeah on a macro level how can we create a uh a fabric a culture that is this kintsugi effect yes that is the name of your podcast yes so that's come up on the podcast before, but explain what that is because it's such a beautiful metaphor for how our wounds can actually make us not just stronger, but more beautiful when we wear them proudly.

1:31:34Yeah. So Kintsugi is a Japanese art form and a philosophy. So for most of my corporate career, I worked for a Japanese global company and had the privilege of going to Japan numerous times and really fell in love with a lot of the concepts and culture. So kintsugi is really embracing our imperfections. So the way the art works, you have a piece of pottery that breaks. You know, think of a bowl. It's often a bowl or a plate, or it can be a mug. So this bowl breaks, and then the artist brings the pottery back together. There's something called a yurishi. which is made from a tree, and that becomes the lacquer.

1:32:22When it dries, it dries super hard. And they mix it with gold and sometimes silver and sometimes platinum, but it's commonly known as the golden repair. So the pottery all breaks in a unique way, and it comes back together. And the gold, this urishi, has a scar-like appearance. And so when I was earlier in my recovery, my youngest was... just tracing my scars on my leg. She might've been like eight years old. She's just playing with them, you know, playing with my skin grafts. And I was like, hey, what do you think of dad's scars? Because there was a point, Rich, where I did my best to cover them all up because I thought people were looking at them and thinking like, what happened to that guy?

1:33:09And what's wrong with that guy? So I would wear long pants when I was 95 out. I was doing all I could to cover it up. and she's just like mindlessly just scrolling. She was like, I think they're cool, dad. I'm like, okay. And right around that time, I also started to learn about kintsugi. And so the beauty of it, and there's also a Japanese term called wabi-sabi. And together they talk about really embracing imperfection. So wabi-sabi is about the beauty as things age. when I rode across the country, I loved looking at old barns. So there were a lot of great barns that are new and fancy, but that old barn that has lived through something, the wood has turned gray and cracked, and there might be a panel that's fallen off.

1:34:00There's a story there. And what Wabi Sabi does is it embraces that. It embraces the impermanence of life that we're all moving. And as you've mentioned multiple times in the podcast, we all cross the same finish line. None of us are getting out of this alive. But it embraces the fact that these moments go from moment to moment to moment, and we're going to have blemishes. We're going to have gray hairs and wrinkles and all that, and that should be celebrated. And kintsugi is about embracing our imperfections. So it takes something that's beautiful, the piece of pottery, that bowl before it was broken, beautiful.

1:34:40And then it breaks, and then it comes back together. in a different way of demonstrating beauty. It doesn't have to be more beautiful because a lot of people have said, well, you know, it was broken and now it's more beautiful. It's like, well, all right. And I've said that myself plenty of times. The powdery was beautiful to begin with. That's why you probably bought it and it breaks. And then now it comes back together in just a different way of being beautiful. Scars and imperfections and all that. And so for me, Kintsugi is about connection. It's about how do we come back together? How do we connect with ourselves?

1:35:20How do we connect with each other? How do we connect with our nature? Because we're part of nature. How do we do that? And everyone has their own formula of how to do that. But reconnecting, there's plenty of parties out there and people that want to break us apart, like break our pottery. and it's up to us, I think I mentioned this at the retreat, finding like-hearted humans. We often talk about finding like-minded people. I think that's a problem because what we're doing is we're finding people who think like us. What I want to do in my pursuit is I want to find people who are like-hearted, that are coming from the same place in their heart of compassion and kindness and love, because I believe that's what helps us come back together.

1:36:10And in this like-heartedness, you can be open-minded to different thoughts, to challenge your thinking, to learn something new, to unlearn what you learned in your past, and be comfortable with not knowing. And so, yeah, Kintsugi to me is all about connection, and it's all about belonging. And so how do we do that? You know, like what's the makeup of your urushi, that strength. And I think it's a wonderful concept. And as I've gotten older, I've tried to embrace it even more, especially the wabi-sabi part. Because, you know, we wrinkle, we gray. And in our society, we want to cover it up. You know, I happened yesterday to go to a very bougie market near the studio here.

1:37:00And there was a lot of covering up the natural wabi-sabi, which is very LA. Welcome to Los Angeles. But my feeling, and I will acknowledge there is a double standard. Like you and I can go gray, but women in society, it's more difficult to do that. Hopefully it changes quickly over time that we can all embrace that. But the definition of beauty is different for different people. But my hope is that through this whole Kintsugi spirit, we can embrace our imperfections and have a different relationship with perfection and just our flaws and really love on them. Well, that cultural shift begins with our own attitudes and behaviors around these sorts of things, of course.

1:37:49And I love that idea so beautifully put, by the way, around seeking out and congregating with like-hearted people as opposed to like-minded people. I was talking to Julie the other day and, you know, I was finding myself sort of somewhat depressed and bereft after a scroll session on social media. And I said, I don't think we're hardwired or meant to know what everybody's opinions are on everything all the time. You know what I mean? like when you walked into that cafe and you meet people as they are, and regardless of having some dissonance in whatever your worldviews are, you can connect on a heart level with people.

1:38:31And I think that's what we're meant to do. But when you scroll and you see people's avatars and their bios, and then you get their hot takes and their opinions on everything, you immediately, the brain just immediately goes to how that person is different or wrong and how I'm right or better or, you know, whatever that rubric is or whatever that math equation that runs in the brain. And it's not really a healthy exercise. Like, I just don't think we're supposed to, like, interface with people in that way. No. Our biology was, like, we're part of a tribe. We felt safety and belonging. We weren't exposed to millions of people online with a highlight reel.

1:39:16Like, we haven't evolved to handle that. Now, the really cool thing is humans, we have this beautiful prefrontal cortex that we can tap into when we keep it online. And so we can have practices to help us engage with that. Because of all the creatures out there, we've done some pretty cool things. We've done some pretty horrific things. But, you know, this part of our brain allows us to have better judgment, hopefully, to say, okay, well, how do I want to process all the stuff that's coming at me? But yeah, part of our biology, we're not used to having all these different points of view coming at us.

1:39:59And also on the extreme, so quickly with just the swipe of a finger. You know, we went from being part of a community, maybe getting a telegraph to then getting a newspaper to then getting a TV to then getting like radio or radio, then TV. And now we have all these social platforms and everyone has a voice and everyone wants to share it, which is great that we're embracing our voice. but it's a lot. And I don't think we have evolved to the point where we can really process it in a healthy way. In your case, you have this accident, which breaks you apart, and then you come back together, this Kintsugi effect where you become this more whole integrated person as a result of that I think as a society, we're still in the broken phase.

1:40:52We have yet to find the tree sap that's going to meld us together. And we're under this sense that, well, when something kind of happens that we can all unite around, that will bring us back together. But every time something like that happens, it seems to further divide us rather than have that effect. And so I find it at times difficult to hold on to the hopefulness, which is the work, I guess, right? Yeah. The work is to hold on to the optimism and the hope. At the same time, holding space for, we'll call it the pain that we see in the world, because we see the pain, we feel the pain, whether it's in our communities here in the States or worldwide and what's happening on the world stage, that the common denominator is that people are experiencing some level of dissatisfaction or pain or suffering.

1:41:53And I think a lot of what social media is about is like, do you see me? Do you feel my pain? Like starting there with a compassionate or empathetic exchange of like, Like, do you see me? Do you hear me? Do you appreciate me for all my differences? Even though that I may not be like you, like we can start there, but we're going so damn quickly. We're missing each other. And I think it's happening in corporate life. It's happening in our communities. You know, the interesting thing when I rode across the country, I could take in so much more when I was on a flat road going 19 miles an hour. I could hear the birds better.

1:42:38I could see the mountains better. I could see the cracks in the pavement. But when I was going 45 miles downhill in the Rockies, like my vision was like this. And for a lot of society, we're rushing towards I don't know what. We're moving from this part of our morning routine in a transactional way to this part of the day in a transactional way. We're just going from one thing, like it's one transaction after another, and we're blowing past each other. We're not taking the time to say, you know what, Rich, I see you. I hear you. I appreciate you. I love you. All that's going on with you. I think it takes us to slow down in order to start healing.

1:43:32Look what happened to the planet when we stopped in the early part of the pandemic. Look what Mother Earth did. Like we stopped. We weren't moving. And she started to heal herself. And it didn't really take all that long. And I get it. capitalism and the engine of the economy, we have to find a way to cohabitate with that. But if we can slow down and pause just enough, stop and see each other, I think that's the way we can begin. And we just keep on showing up and doing that. Because if we go from one big event, like when George Floyd was murdered in 2020, at least for me, that felt different.

1:44:20And maybe it was because of the pandemic or because of the video imagery that we now can see. It becomes real in a different way. And there was this big burst of energy, right? In a pandemic, people came out into the streets to protest and it felt different. And now we're three years removed plus, and it feels like we didn't make much progress at all. We can't fall back on big moments. So my accident was a big moment, but I don't get to this point unless I'm showing up every day, making incremental steps towards what I want to see in the world and in my world. And I think that's the work. It's the work that has no end.

1:45:11In our lifetimes, we will not get this job done. We will pass on to wherever we pass on to, knowing that the job's not done. It's not finished. We don't cross the finish line. We don't get to go hooray. But we get the opportunity to show up and make progress towards it. And hopefully we pass the baton to younger generations and they carry on that ripple and their work has no end. And that's how we can get to a point where we can look back and be like, okay, we've made progress. Because I do believe society as a whole, we've made progress. I can look at the U.S. today and say, wow, we've made a lot of progress since 1793.

1:45:57But each day doesn't feel like we're making progress at all. Sometimes we're regressing. It depends on what your definition of progress is and how you're evaluating that. But I think, yeah, the job or the legacy to leave behind is the positive ripple effect that on some level, there's like a little bit of immortality in that, right? Like what can we leave behind that becomes an anonymous vibration that percolates through many people that leaves the world maybe just a little bit better than it was before. And that's really it. And, you know, in your own case, you not only practice this, you work with other people.

1:46:34Like you've departed the corporate world, you're an executive coach. So you counsel all different kinds of people on these things that we've been talking about today. Not the least of which is meditation, mindfulness, practices, and breath work. And you've got this app, Pause, Breathe, Reflect. So I want to spend, of course, a couple minutes talking about what that looks like so you've had these experiences you've learned you practice them you show up every day and you do a variety of things to you know create that ripple effect sure make your life a little bit better how do you work with other people to you know access some version of that in their own lives well as you mentioned i do it through my executive coaching and also speaking at companies and through my meditation teaching and the app.

1:47:26So I came into mindfulness while I was in the hospital. So I had a moment while I was at Kessler where I was completely overwhelmed. I was not making progress. So again, keep in mind, going back, type A personality, got to make things happen, go, go, go. I got to get better. I got to get out of this place. I got to get back to work. even though I wasn't sure if I really wanted to go back to work, but it felt like that's the thing you do. And I was plateauing. And I had a moment with my physical therapist where I just broke down. She was trying to help me move from my wheelchair onto the exercise mat, and I was having so much difficulty doing it.

1:48:09I couldn't do it. And I just started to cry, which was something I would do a lot of back then. And she was like, why don't you just take a moment? And then I looked around at all the other patients doing rehab at that moment in time. And I was like, man, why are some people getting better and some people aren't? And again, comparison, why am I not making more progress? I think I'm working hard. And what I remembered, and this goes back to my youth in sports, that anytime the game got overwhelming, when it was going too fast, a coach would say, slow things down, take a breath. If you get hurt on the pitch or on the field, you fall down, you're hurt.

1:48:55And what does everyone tell you to do? Stay down. You crash on your bike, stay down, breathe. And I was like, all right, I need to breathe. I need to find a way to slow the game down because everything felt huge, overwhelming and going way too fast. And I had everyone with great intentions telling me what I needed to do. Well, you should do this, Michael. You should do this, Michael. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. I want to get better and I don't know what to do. And so the next day I was like, all right, new day, new you. And I got out of my hospital bed into my wheelchair and I wheeled myself to a quiet place in the hospital.

1:49:38And I did a box breathing pattern for the very first time. You know, just a simple four by four by four by four. And I just used it. That was the beginning of my morning routine of like, okay, how do you want to show up? Now that you've calmed yourself down, you get your head on straight. I was doing some stretches and neck rolls and stuff like that. But it was the beginning part of my, how do I want to show up? Where do I want to place my attention? What's my intention for the day? So I did it once. And then that day I had another big moment that went poorly. I was like, okay, great. But the next day I went back to it and then I just started adding to it.

1:50:19And again, I didn't know much about mindfulness back then, except I thought it was something a serious business person would not do. I thought it was like a San Francisco grape nuts, granola type of thing to do, which is common among a lot of people. Some would say, woo-woo. But I didn't have that language back then. I just thought, no business leader does this. I'm not going to do this. But it felt good. So I just kept on doing it. And then eventually I labeled them as my pause, breathe, reflect breaks. And the reflect part of it was the key. And so through meditation and through meditation apps, we can sit, we can pause, we can breathe.

1:51:03But the reflect piece was about how I wanted to show up. It was space to practice gratitude, which I wasn't practicing up until my accident. It was a chance to set intentions. It was a chance to understand where I wanted to place my attention. So that moment of reflection, some would consider it journaling now, but I couldn't really write because of my shoulder. It was all chicken scratch. But that point of reflection was just the space to say, okay, all right, now what? The classic mindfulness question, what now? And that was a big difference to my practice. So I just started this practice on my own.

1:51:48I wasn't really telling anyone. I found Jon Kabat-Zinn's work around mindfulness-based stress reduction. And I thought that was cool because I was coming from a very scientific world where there was clinical data on things. You had to prove yourself. And what Jon did was brought an Eastern practice to the West and brought it into UMass's medical department. I was like, okay, I think this can fit my world, but I still wasn't telling anyone. certainly wasn't going to tell anyone at work because the vice president of sales is not going to get up in front of his a thousand person team in 2006 and say, Hey folks, we're all going to meditate.

1:52:32Like no way. It was too soft. Like we had to talk about hard numbers. We had to drive the P and L. And I actually had an acronym called profit before royalty that I was judged against PBR. And I was like, oh, I can really play with this whole pause, breathe, reflect, and it could be my version of PBR. Now, a lot of people think of a different PBR here in the States when they think of that. Or a Papstleuribbon. Yeah, a Papstleuribbon. I've had people email me, they're like, I can't believe you are associating yourself with such a beverage. And they'll text me like throw up emojis and I'm like, Hey, we're on the same page.

1:53:13Like it's not my preferred drink. So we're good, but it has nothing to do with that. But that profit before royalty, that PBR privately, I was like, Oh, this is sort of funny. This can be my, it's a different version of, you know, pause, breathe, reflect for me. And I just kept at the practice studying other teachers, learning about loving kindness from Sharon Salzberg, listening to Tara Brock, just furthering my studies in a very quiet way. When I came out of my corporate life, I started sharing more about my pause, breathe, reflect moments. I went on to get my qualification as an MBSR teacher, but that practice is 45 minutes a day.

1:53:58And who I'm trying to reach are people that don't have 45 minutes in their day. And what I also found through my experience was a lot of people have these beautiful morning routines that have gotten a little crazy over the years. And it's all transactional. You might have a yoga practice in the morning, a meditation sit in the morning, but we're not bringing that practice and weaving it throughout our day. And for me, mindfulness is not an individual thing. And I think here in the States, we look at mindfulness now as an individual thing. Meaning it's something you do and then you go about your day as opposed to a sensibility or an energy that you bring to every aspect of your day from when you wake up until you go to sleep at night.

1:54:47Yes, and a sense of community. So we will check off, oh, I had a practice this morning, yoga, journaling, what have you. You might get a badge because we've gamified everything. And we can feel good about it, but we're not, yeah, embodying it. We're not weaving it throughout our day. So that's one part of the transactional nature. Mindfulness really is a way of living. It's remembering to remember. It's remembering to come back to our breath, come back to our center. But there's also an element of mindfulness that's about community. So here in the States, we look at mindfulness as, well, here's a way for me to reduce my stress.

1:55:32This is a way for me to get better sleep. It's a way for me to be happier. But ultimately, if you go way back, it's about how do we show up with awareness so we value the we over the me, which is a difference between Western culture and Eastern culture. So going back to this whole concept of like, who are you spending time with? Who's in your Peloton? For me, mindfulness is about community. It's about the Sangha. So it's that element of it. So it's more than transactional. It can be as cliche as this is, transformational, but a way of living. And it's a way of living that can help us connect with each other better because it helps us slow down.

1:56:19So now we can see, hear, and love each other a bit more than we have in the past. On the reflect piece, what does that look like? Practically, you mentioned journaling, but is that writing a gratitude list? Is that writing down your goals? Is that just reflecting on what happened yesterday and your ambitions for the day? Is it up to the individual or is there a specific approach? Is there a prompt or something that can really drive home like how you want people to practice that reflection aspect of it? There's an element of choosing your own adventure with it. Like so whatever gets you going to help you into a contemplative moment.

1:57:03So it could be a gratitude list, but I don't do a gratitude list. I practice gratitude every night before my head hits the pillow, but I don't write things down. I'll do some writing in the morning, much like we did in Italy with morning pages. So it could be a writing exercise. It can be a prompt. It could be, hey, what's happening in my body right now? Because mindfulness can be mindfulness of the mind. It can be mindfulness of the body, of feelings, also of dharma, like, you know, sense of purpose. So for me, like, I love to reflect on what's my body trying to say to me right now? Because I get a lot of cues from my body.

1:57:43I believe the body whispers to us before it really starts to scream. And with all my scar tissue, I have a whole bunch of nooks and crannies where bad juju can get trapped. And so I'm just listening to like, okay, what's happening with the body? What does the body need right now? What might my heart need right now? So for me, reflect can be about that. It can be, hey, this is popping up. Why is that popping up? Like, what's that? What's that story about? It can be about a future orientation about, all right, I have this meeting coming up. Like, I love talking to corporate people about doing a simple two-minute practice before the meeting.

1:58:25So, okay, come into the meeting because you're probably just, you're rushing from another meeting, another Microsoft Teams or Zoom. So come in. Let's hit pause. Let's just take two minutes. We're just going to connect with the breath. And then we're going to leave 30 seconds for you to reflect on how do you want to show up in this meeting? How can you be focused? How do you want to communicate? How do you want to collaborate? How can you bring out the best of the people who are on this Zoom with you? So it could be about that. So my practice is have a morning practice, which is great, but take moments throughout the day where you keep on coming back home.

1:59:10You keep on coming back to your center. You're coming back to your breath. You're coming back to your soundscape. You're coming back to what you feel in the body multiple times during the day. So it becomes, hey, this is just the way I live. So I feel something and I'm like, okay, time to slow down. and less make sure I'm showing up in a way that's consistent with my first principles, consistent with my values, so I can live an aligned life. And I think that can help people put out a more beautiful ripple. I think most people would be able to identify some aspect of their life that could be better or the little kind of scratch at the back of your brain, like, is this it?

1:59:54Is this really what I'm meant to be doing with my life? Is there something more? Am I on this hedonic treadmill in a way that I shouldn't be? But this is my life, maybe next time. And yes, we can bring meditation and mindfulness practices, breathwork practices, reflective practices into our daily life. In your case, and on some level in my case, it took a pretty extreme set of circumstances is to shake us out of that and set us on a path towards rewiring our lives. So I guess the question I'm asking is, do you think that that's necessary? I mean, obviously pain is like the great motivator, right?

2:00:35Like if you meet your maker, then you're going to be more receptive to making changes. But what about the person who doesn't get hit by the SUV, who's just kind of going along their way and they're in a little bit of a gray zone? Like it's not so bad. Actually, it's pretty good, but maybe there's a more colorful, rich living experience out there for me. But short of somebody coming in and just turning my life upside down, I'm probably not going to reach for that. Like, how do you connect with that person so they can get a little taste of what might be? Well, here's where our beauty is, because I don't think you need to have a big moment like you went through or what I went through.

2:01:22I think the telling of your story, Rich, to all your listeners, now I'm going to speak as a listener. And I promise I won't gush too much on you because I know that makes you uncomfortable. But like, I know there are millions of people that listen to this show each week, listen to your guests. And they haven't gone through a big moment like you went through or what I went through or some of your other guests have gone through. But they're listening. and when the moment's right, they implement maybe one or two things. They maybe were an animal eater and now they like slowly moved over to being a vegetarian, to them being a vegan.

2:02:05They knew nothing about mindfulness, but they hear you week in and week out, talk about the value of a contemplative practice, or they listen to some other guests. So they haven't gone through this big, huge, the unexpected knocks on their door, but they're paying attention and they're making incremental change happen. They're developing healthy habits. And when I share my story and when I look at the people in our community, like with Pause, Breathe, Reflect, a lot of folks are said, I didn't realize I could be a meditator because a lot of folks think, well, you know, I got to be sort of monk-like and I got to have this long practice.

2:02:40And I didn't realize I could start a practice this way. And they didn't go through something catastrophic. They didn't have a big moment. But they're like, okay, well, there's something here. The door's open, just a crack. And I'm going to look in. And is it safe? Do I feel like I belong? And I'm going to open the door a little bit more, take another step. And then six months down the road, they're like, yeah, I'm different. And that's what's powerful about the book you wrote. And there's a funny story, we can get to it later about your book when I first read it. But more importantly, each week and sometimes multiple times a week, as you are sharing your story and other people's stories, people are listening and they're making these incremental changes.

2:03:33And I think that's a really powerful ripple. Hopefully they don't have to go through something like you went through or I went through. And so I see it happening every day. Now, for some people, in order for them to get the message, for me to get the message... my mug, my grand barista. So my mug is an acronym, stands for Mother Earth, the universe, God. I have a better relationship with God today than I did back then. So whoever fills up my latte mug, right? So they were like, hey, you, hey, O 'Brien, we've been giving you some hints. You haven't been paying attention. So we're going to give you something that you cannot deny.

2:04:16We're going to stop you in your tracks. We see you and we see how you're doing it. and we just think you can do a little bit better. And so I think for some people, they need to get that big stark moment, that last bad day moment in order to have that change happen. But there are plenty of people that went through what you went through, that went through what I went through. You took one path and I took one path and a whole bunch of other people take a different path. And so I think it's a combination of listening to our moments and then being very intentional about how we want to go forward and what kind of life we want to have.

2:04:58And I think that's the opportunity for all of us. After the pandemic, we all had a moment where we broke apart. And now, collectively, hopefully, I have faith that we can come back together. You mentioned barreling down the Rockies and how that puts blinders on. and you can't really see with any expansiveness when your life is moving so quickly. And I think there's a lot of truth in this idea that when you're living sort of out of alignment with a higher version of yourself, that the universe does knock. Like if you're, but you have to be paying attention. And if your life is moving very quickly and you have those blinders on, it's very difficult to hear or see those knocks and to just engage with the denial of like, well, whatever, and like push that aside and the knocks get louder.

2:05:54And, you know, there's a little more chaos in your life and things start to, you know, get a little hectic or whatever. Like the intensity of that knock will increase. And ultimately, if left unheeded, you will face some type of crisis of some version or another because the universe will not allow you to, you know, continue down that path without consequences, right? In recovery, it's like they say the elevator's going down. It doesn't have to hit the bottom. Like you can actually get off before the cataclysm. It's just harder. It's harder to just hit that pause button on your life and say, I need a reset when everything is just sort of kind of okay but not as good as it could be.

2:06:37But when the whole thing explodes, you have no other choice. And the question really becomes like, what is your pain tolerance and do you really have to suffer in that way in order to make these changes? Because those changes are available to your point when you're paying attention and you're in the moment, anything is possible. And you have that facility to respond rather than to react. And, you know, each one of those decisions is like a little branch on a decision tree that can move your life in a different direction. And it's not about, you know, giant leaps and broad proclamations. It's really what you're doing in the small moments every single day that's dictating what that life is going to look like.

2:07:20Absolutely. In all those little moments, they're not easily shared on Instagram. No. Because. And they shouldn't be. That's between you and you and your mud or your higher power or whatever it is, you want to call it. It's. Your mug. Yeah, that's the work. That's the work, those moments between all the big moments that we happen to share. And that is a private affair. And hopefully the people nearest to you that love you are along for that journey. And sometimes when we're feeling pain, but we don't recognize that we're in pain or some level of discomfort, hopefully we have people in our lives that can help put up a mirror to what we're experiencing.

2:08:09And sometimes that's what we need. but how we all go through like little moments we don't have to get to the big one but like those little moments of discomfort or dissatisfaction or pain or suffering again we can phrase in a lot different ways in those moments are moments where we can open up our awareness and be like okay What's here? Who's around me? Who can support me? How do I step forward? And yeah, do the work. Do the work when no one else is watching and try to be consistent with it. Because you can look back after six months, after a year and say, yeah, you made a lot of progress. And that's the really cool thing about doing this work.

2:08:57You get to look back in reflection and say, all right, yeah. And it gives you fuel, hopefully to continue moving forward moment by moment, pedal stroke by pedal stroke. So if somebody is listening to this and they're thinking, I don't have a Peloton, how do I even create my own Peloton? Which is just a way of saying a board of advisors or people around you who can help guide your decision making. Or maybe I've never done breath work or meditated. I'm just now beginning to try to do an inventory of my life and realizing It's missing in certain ways. Like how do, what's the first step? How do I begin this journey?

2:09:38Michael, well, you can download the Pause, Breathe, Reflect app, which we'll get to. Yeah, we can get to that. Which you should certainly do. But what's the wisdom that you impart around people who are at the beginning stages of kind of reckoning with this type of thing? For me, what I recommend is begin to pay attention to what's happening in your body. I think that's the starting point. I believe we all have, regardless of how fast we're going, we know where we feel stress the most. And so we just, we start to build that awareness. Like what's happening? Where do you feel it? Do you feel it in your jaw?

2:10:19Does it get tight? Do you feel it in your belly? Is it butterflies? Is it in your chest? Is there something else going on? And so that is the first indication, hey, there might be something here. and then you take that moment to pause and in that moment of pausing you can reflect okay there's a lot of options who might I ask so you mentioned the Peloton so when I was in the hospital at Kessler my medical team came in doctors interns fellows nurses they were you know going over my case and studying me because that was an interesting case and when they left I was like oh I went to my wife. They're like my medical peloton.

2:11:01So they're helping me get down the road. They're trying to help me heal. And so for those that don't know, but I think most of your listeners will know what a peloton is. It's a group of cyclists in a bike race like the Tour de France. They're competing against each other, those cyclists, but they need each other. You know, they're drafting off of one another. They're pointing out road hazards. There is efficiency in the peloton. The notion that together we go farther and we go faster when we're riding together. There also needs to be trust and communication and all that. And for me, it's an analogy for how are you riding through life?

2:11:39Who's in your peloton? Are you in a trusting peloton that has connection and belonging? And are you bringing out the people that are around you in the best way and are they bringing out the best in you? So that whole concept of who's in your Peloton. And I always love to get to the person when I'm stuck that can ask me that beautiful question. So when I'm feeling something and I feel stuck, then the person in my Peloton I go to is a person that is a really curious person that can ask a really beautiful question. because we're really quick to try to find the answer in today's society. But I would rather try to sit with the questions just a little bit of a beat longer.

2:12:24And so I think a strong Peloton has people that can clarify things when we get stuck, asking a really good question. They can push us outside our comfort zone like my physical therapist did when she told me I had to get back on the bike. They can be there when we're celebrating something and they put all their energy into our celebration and they're not trying to steal our celebration. We also have people that can comfort us when we need comfort and are there in a crisis. Those are just five different roles. So listen to the body and then get with someone in your Peloton that can help you figure out the best plan forward.

2:13:03And then start really small. Just begin with one thing. So if it's journaling, just begin with a paragraph. If it's breath work, begin with a minute and then do another minute tomorrow. Start as small as possible, like the smallest viable dose, right? That sets you up for success. And that's how I would recommend people begin. If it's exercise, you do five minutes, you do a minute. You know, if it's walking, maybe walk around the block. So I'm a big fan of like, start where you're at, start where your feet are at and start really small. So small, it doesn't even feel like you're starting. And that was my first breathwork pattern.

2:13:49I was like, I started small and I was like, okay, that felt good. I can do this. And I just built it over time. Or when I came back to the bike, I'm going to get to this town line. Now I'm going to get to this town line. And that's how we create success. That's how we create habits that develop into the way we live. So then it becomes automatic. It's just like, no, this is just what I do. Like I started doing water first thing in the morning 25 years ago. And now every time I wake up, I get water first thing in the morning. It's just what I do. I don't even have to think about it. It's like putting on your seatbelt when you get into the car before you pull out of your driveway.

2:14:28You don't even think about it. So what I try to do is help people find those really small steps that they can replicate over time. And what is it that someone's going to find when they open up the app? What is the intentionality and the architecture of how you've designed these practices in the form of a digital product that can move the needle for people in terms of everything you just shared? Well, I hope people find when they open the app is a moment of tranquility. When they open the app and they can start to... It's very relaxing. It is. I can attest to that. Yeah, it's like, all of a sudden it's like, before they even do a practice.

2:15:12And maybe that's the practice, opening the app and just, and then how I've designed the app is that there's a daily practice. And again, these are practices that are shorter. It's like five to seven minutes long. And then throughout the day, I have short practices and a breathwork pattern. And it rotates throughout the day. So if you pop in in the morning, it looks one way. If you pop in during the day, it looks another way. And in the evening, we're looking to shut it down so you can have a gentle night's rest. So what I'm trying to encourage is, hey, come back and just do a short practice. A minute, two minutes.

2:15:51If you feel like you need to do a longer practice, cool. If you feel like you need to do a walking meditation, because that's what the body is saying to you right now, cool, we have those. but my feeling is come back home. It's going back to when I was in the hospital, I just wanted to come back home. So the app is designed in that way to come back home and meet you in whatever moment you happen to be in. So I try to keep it fun and relatable. So if you're in line at a fancy grocery store, instead of scrolling your Instagram, you could just take a moment and just spend a minute connecting with your breath because you're going to be shocked when you get the bill.

2:16:36So it's probably a good practice to do. But it's like those moments before meetings, waiting for a doctor's appointment, stuck in traffic, when you are shooting all over yourself, when you want to have fun storming the castle, which is, you know, like I try to do practices that are not traditional, like in the sense of how people think of meditation and mindfulness. It's secular. Our community, everyone belongs. I don't care where you come from. I don't care who you voted for. If you have like-heartedness, I want to invite people into your space. And we're going to figure out how to become better humans together.

2:17:18And that's what the practice is all about. To kind of close this down, can we do a short breath work practice? Sure. Yeah. Take me through that. All right, cool. We'll do one that's three simple inhales and exhales. All right. So in meditation, the first barrier we have is like, well, how should I sit? Right. So should I lie down? Should I sit? Should I stand? So my recommendation is just find a comfortable posture. So you can have your fingers exactly like this or it doesn't count. You can have your fingers like this or like this. You can have them open. You can have them closed. Well, let's just say we keep them open.

2:17:56and we're just going to bring a sense of dignity through the posture. You start to settle into it, getting comfortable, and then you can close your eyes as I do. You can also have them open. You may even wish to have a soft gaze. So as we sit here in this comfortable posture, we'll drop in. And I always love to begin with a few healthy inhales and slow-releasing exhales. Breathing in as full as you can through your nose, if possible.

2:18:41And then a nice slow breath out. and as you do you might notice that you start sinking a little bit deeper into your cushion or chair

2:18:57now we're going to take the next 30 seconds and we're just going to do three slow inhales and releasing exhales we're going to breathe in for a count of five and then release with a count of five. So as we breathe in, breathing in, two, three, four, five. Then breathing out, two, three, four, five. Then breathing in, allow you to count on your own.

2:19:33Then breathing out.

2:19:40And breathing in one last time.

2:19:47And now breathing out.

2:19:53And then open your eyes and wiggle those beautiful fingers and toes. Maybe give your body a little stretch. And there you have it. Just a simple 90 second practice. Just as a reset. and now something may have come up during the practice that you might've noticed and you can journal about it. You can be reflective. You can set your intentions. Maybe something popped up that was a moment of gratitude and okay, that only took 90 seconds and now I can get on with the next part of my day. And my recommendation is just keep on coming back to that. Keep on coming back to that. Beautiful. I do feel better.

2:20:37I was sitting here thinking, we should have done this at the beginning. So, well, you know, it's like beginning, during, middle, but it's so simple to do. Like our breath, it never forgets about us. Like we don't have to direct it. We take our breath for granted. And you know, my life prior to my accident, I took my health for granted. I, sorry, took my life for granted. I didn't know anything about my breath. I was like, whatever, except maybe from sports. But the breath is there and it's our body's regulator. So if we come back to it, okay. And certainly there's a lot of studies on the benefits of mindfulness.

2:21:22And that's great. There's rich data that shows that it has an impact. But for me, studies aside, do practices that make you feel good. If it's cold plunging, get your cold plunge on. If it's journaling, journal. So do these practices that feel good. Make up your own urishi, your own lacquer to help yourself heal. So then you can come into a different form of beauty. And then when you're healed, maybe you can ripple that into other people. And now we can start connecting as a community, as corporations, hopefully as a planet. So, and we can look back and say, okay, we did some good work. Well, I think you're doing good work.

2:22:15I think you are a living example of everything that you talked about and the ripple that you're putting out into the world is a worthy one. And I appreciate you coming here to talk to me. And I'm honored to know you. You're a really beautiful guy. And the fact that you took this experience that you had and really transformed it into something truly meaningful, not just for yourself, but for so many other people, is a beautiful act of compassion on behalf of yourself and the world. So thank you, Michael. Thank you, Rich. Thanks for having me on. Appreciate it. You've changed my life in so many ways.

2:22:53that you'll probably never know. But I so appreciate what you've put into the world. And when you and Julie started way back when, I guess in Hawaii, and see it come to this is really special. And I'll speak on behalf of all listeners, like all the average guys and gals out there, to see you putting in the work and just showing up as you do each week, every day, and seeing what you've created, it's motivating to all of us to do the type of work we can do in our own way and be able to look back in 10, 12 years and say, wow, we've really created a beautiful ripple. So on behalf of all the listeners out there, if they allow me to do so, thank you for the ripple that you're putting into the world.

2:23:47Thanks, man. I appreciate that. That means a lot. But if you want to learn more about Michael's world, pick up his books, My Last Bad Day Shift. Also, Shift, Creating Better Tomorrow, that's your first book. It's more like a memoir. It's a memoir, yeah. The podcast, The Kintsugi Effect, of course, and the app, Pause, Breathe, Reflect, available. Is it in Android also or iOS in both? You can get it in the App Store. Google and Google and people can start their first year. We have a pay what you can model. So you can pay as little as a dollar for the first full year and come into our community and we can hold each other's hand and learn how to do this thing called life together.

2:24:34Cool. And the coaching, if people want to learn more about how that works, where do they go? To the soulless platform known as LinkedIn. Wow. You're the first person to push LinkedIn. So, well, that's... But you have a website too, Michael O 'Brien Shift, right? Yeah, like Michael O 'Brien Shift is my corporate website. Pause, breathe, reflect.com is where you can find all the Pause, Breathe, Reflect merch. But from my corporate life and my executive coaching and my speaking... LinkedIn is the shift. It's LinkedIn, yeah. So that's where corporate people hang out. and you know I wish I didn't have to do any of it to be honest but as you know you have to put a message we all have to make our way in the world you know what I mean so people aren't going to just find me by chance so yeah LinkedIn, my websites, the app there are plenty of ways to find this Michael O 'Brien in the world cool well thank you my friend I appreciate it enjoy the rest of your time in LA thank you peace peace plants.

2:25:48That's it for today. Thank you for listening. I truly hope you enjoyed the conversation. To learn more about today's guest, including links and resources related to everything discussed today, visit the episode page at richroll.com, where you can find the entire podcast archive, as well as podcast merch, my books, Finding Ultra, Voicing Change, and the Plant Power Way, as well as the Plant Power Meal Planner at meals.richroll.com. If you'd like to support the podcast, the easiest and most impactful thing you can do is to subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, on Spotify, and on YouTube and leave a review and or comment.

2:26:33Supporting the Sponsors who support the show is also important and appreciated. And sharing the show or your favorite episode with friends or on social media is, of course, awesome and very helpful. And finally, for podcast updates, special offers on books, the meal planner, and other subjects, please subscribe to our newsletter, which you can find on the footer of any page at richroll.com. Today's show was produced and engineered by Jason Camiolo with additional audio engineering by Cale Curtis. The video edition of the podcast was created by Blake Curtis, with assistance by our creative director, Dan Drake.

2:27:11Portraits by Davey Greenberg, graphic and social media assets courtesy of Daniel Solis. Thank you, Georgia Whaley, for copywriting and website management. And of course, our theme music was created by Tyler Pyatt, Trapper Pyatt, and Harry Mathis. Appreciate the love. Love the support. See you back here soon. Peace. Plants. Namaste.