#84: How to Talk so People Like You (SUMMER REPLAY)

0:00Here's three steps, tactical steps, that you can use to become more magnetic. Slow down. Just slow down. Slow down the conversation. Tune in. And I'm going to teach you to do that in a second. Tune in to the person that you're actually talking to. And there's some easy, easy ways to do that. Respond from connection. Like, keep the connection going. You're listening to the StoryBrand Podcast, based on Donald Miller's best-selling book, building a story brand. The story brand framework is made up of seven key elements, all of them anchored in one powerful idea. Your customer is the hero and you are their guide.

0:40Each week on the podcast, you'll get exactly what you need to craft clear messaging that connects with more customers and grows your business. Now let's dive in with your host, Donald Miller.

0:55This episode of the podcast, I think, is a really fun, slight departure from normal business messaging. However, it may be something you learn on this episode grows your business faster than even good messaging on your website, because we're really talking about how to connect with other people, especially if you are a real estate agent, a financial advisor, a sales rep, anything where you're interacting with customers, I guarantee you 50 % of the business you close has to do with the way people feel about you. And we're going to talk about the kind of messages that make people like you, the kind of messages that make people see you as magnetic.

1:36And I've had to study this because this is not something I'm naturally good at. There's this thing called culture index. You might've heard of it, but it tells you what you're strong at. It's one of these sort of StrengthsFinders things, except it's just on steroids. It's by far the best one I've ever encountered. It's really helped me understand myself and the way I work, helped me understand my team, moving people into the right spots on my team where they can just effortlessly do their work, that sort of thing. So one of the things that it said about me was that it was very, very high autonomy, meaning like didn't need, doesn't need a lot of consensus thinking in order to make decisions.

2:13I'm not really looking for whether other people agree. I can kind of see what I think we need to do and we'll take action on that. Low on social connection, not low on the ability to connect socially, low on the need. So like in the bottom 6 % is where I was in the top 2 % on autonomy, on decision-making and drive. Bottom 6 % on the need for connection, not the ability to connect, not antisocial, but the actual need for it. Of course, if there's a need for something, you tend to do it. So what I tend to not do very much is go out and connect with people. So what I found was my skills were often really rusty because what I want to talk to people about is their business, their goals, if they're trying to build a personal brand, what they want that talk to be shaped like, the reaction they're trying to get to the...

3:04I just want to start building something with you instead of getting to know you a little bit. And so I've had to learn these skills because it's not that they weren't intuitive, but there just wasn't a drive to be able to have them. And so I've realized, okay, this is costing me. I actually need to stop. And one of the things that I've done is instead of walking into the office and saying, hey, hey, what about that website? I think we're going to get that up. I have learned these tactics that have greatly helped me and my team. Instead of walking in and saying, hey, I noticed the website wasn't up this morning.

3:43I thought we were going to get that done today. I'll walk in and I'll say, how was your weekend? Often, high social people, all they need are three minutes. It's not like they want to waste time. They just need to know that we are connected first. Once we are connected, then they want to talk business. That is completely counterintuitive to me. I think what people want is to talk business for about eight hours. And then when our brains stop working, we can ask about each other's families. That's what I assume people want, which is not true. It turns out of about 95 % of human beings on the planet.

4:22So you're talking to guys not very good at what we're going to talk about today, but somebody who's actually done a little bit of research and thought it through. So you take that for what it's worth. But by the end of this, you and I are going to have magnetic personalities. I promise by the end of it. Look, if you don't know how to do this stuff, you do tend to get overlooked. You tend to get forgotten. Other people are chosen for raises instead of you. By the way, the number one way to get a promotion at a company is not, I mean, you have to do the work and you have to be good at your job, but it's literally how you make the boss feel.

4:53That's it. And I'm a boss. I'm telling you, man, there are people who I know who are very competent and they're insubordinate and they're rude and they make me feel like crap and they don't last. They're gone. And they're just gone. And it's absolutely true in every walk of life. If you can be a little bit more magnetic, you're going to get chosen. How do people who are magnetic make you feel? They make you open up effortlessly. They make you feel grounded and safe. They reduce anxiety when you are around them. They remember you. They remember little details about you, and it just means the world to them.

5:35They trust that your intentions are good, that your intentions are not that you're going to use them as a means to an end. You know, Immanuel Kant talks about that. He calls it an ethical crime. To use anybody as a means to an end is an ethical crime, according to Kant's philosophy. I don't know that I completely agree with that. I really like mutual wins, like mutual benefits, I think are the heart of any really strong, good relationship. I think it's too pie in the sky to say that my entire life has to be about somebody else and it can't be about me at all. That's completely unrealistic and unsustainable, but mutual benefit is really important.

6:20But your intentions have to be good for the person and for yourself. You build kind of emotional credit in these relationships when you know how to be magnetic and caring. Conversations become opportunities for people when they talk to you rather than a competitive threat. All right, here's three steps. These are just tactical steps that you can use to become more magnetic. First, slow down. Just slow down. Slow down the conversation. Second, tune in. And I'm going to teach you to do that in a second based on what I've learned. Tune in to the person that you're actually talking to. And there's some easy, easy ways to do that.

7:03And then third, respond from connection. Keep the connection going. So why slow down? Here's why. Rushed energy creates tension. If we're moving very, very quickly, I am railroading you. And you get this feeling that you're being bombarded. Listen, there are people who I really like and I care about, really. And I have to limit the amount of time that I spin with them because they are so freaking intense. It's like I'm being lobbied and pressured no matter what we're talking about. I hope I've never made anybody feel that way, but those are hard relationships to be in. I don't actually seek them out.

7:50I care about those people, but I don't seek them out. Calm, slow energy creates a sense of safety. You know, Chris Voss and lots of negotiators talk about this. Slow down your cadence. Make the person that you're working with feel very, very safe. You know, just a general rule. Speak about 10 % to 20 % slower. Pause before responding. Just take a second. I watched an interview with somebody the other day. I can't remember who it was, but they really made an impression on me. um, the interviewer on, it was a YouTube, but it was a media channel of some sort. And, um, the interviewer would ask a question.

8:36I literally thought the screen was frozen. The person just did not respond. And then finally, after like five, six seconds, they said, I believe that you are correct in that assumption. I would also add, and I remember just thinking this dude is smooth. This dude is smooth, man. Like making you wait. And you could tell he was kind of thinking about it, but he didn't feel this pressure to perform. Maybe that's what I'm getting at. He didn't feel a pressure to perform. He felt a pressure to give a thoughtful answer and took the time to do that, which made this person just seem to me really, really competent.

9:24Do you ever wonder why some marketing instantly grabs your attention while other marketing you just ignore? It's not about luck. It's not about a bigger budget. It's that the marketing that works actually follows just a few simple principles that actually makes it easier to understand, makes it memorable, and most important, impossible to overlook. That's why StoryBrand has a free guide, the four rules of messaging that will teach you those principles. In just a few minutes, you'll have a simple framework for evaluating every message you create, from your website and emails to your ads and sales conversations.

9:59Download your free copy of those four rules today by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, here's something that's even more powerful. Tune in. Curiosity over ego is really what I'm talking about. So what you want to do is you want to find an anchor in the person's response. Like if you ask them a question. I just had coffee with an old friend this morning who's a negotiation expert. John Lowry wrote a book called Negotiation Made Simple. And I was doing a lot of this because I've gotten good at it. And we just had a wonderful conversation. It was really great catching up. Normally I would rush in and go, hey, here's what I'm working on.

10:41Here's my goals. Here's what I'm trying to build. I know you're a lawyer. What's your perspective on this? I had all those questions for him, by the way. We didn't get to it for 30 minutes because I know now to build connection first. But I would say, John, how's life? You used to be at Lipscomb University. Now you got your own consulting firm. Oh, it's great. I was just actually in Memphis for a thing with this Caterpillar company, this company that sells equipment. Oh, really? How do you like working with those guys. I would imagine they're all kind of down-home, backwoods, wealthy business guys.

11:16Do you find any connection with them? Has your inner Hunter and Hick come out a little bit? Those are the kinds of questions. So you're basically taking his answer and you're finding a piece of it. And just like on your iPhone where you zoom in on a picture or you look at all your pictures and you can zoom in on like five of them and zoom in on one and then zoom way in on your forehead or whatever. That's what you want to be thinking about. Let me zoom in on that. And really, you're just trying to think of a way to get the person to expand a little bit more and talk a little bit more about themselves.

11:52One thing that I try to do in a conversation is I ask myself an overriding question as I'm talking to the person. What does this person need from me right now? And if you have that question always in the back of your brain, what does this person need from me right now? It changes the whole conversation, mainly because you would normally be thinking about yourself and what you need and the information that you need and how you're coming off and whether or not this person likes you or respects you or whatever. You're thinking about yourself. But when you actually say, what does this person need from me?

12:33You are subconsciously positioning yourself as the guide in this hero's life. And the guide is an authority figure. They are in control. The hero needs something from them. And let me tell you, there's always something they need. Affirmation, care, somebody to talk to, wisdom, encouragement, inspiration. they always need something from you and you need something from them to be fair but they're probably not asking themselves what does don need from me and if so if you're asking yourself what does this person need from me you are going to be way more composed and in control in that conversation and assume it with everybody i don't care if you're meeting somebody really famous what does this person need from me right now?

13:27This person needs me to get out of their way here pretty soon and not lock them down. This person needs me to be efficient. This person needs me to say something brief. I really appreciate your work. It must be very hard to be as good at what you do as you are. I know it's hard. I appreciate the work. You're an inspiration to me. Pleasure to meet you. that that person because you thought about them you know I don't want to take up too much your time I know a lot of people stop however I would like your autograph if it's possible and also I just want to say something I promised myself if I ever met you I'd say this the work that you are doing shows you make it look easy but I know how hard you're working I know how hard you're working and that inspires me.

14:15You will be in the top 1 % of fans that that person has ever met. They will think you are special by the end of that because that's just not the way people are, man. That's just not the way they are. They don't slow down. They don't think about you. They don't ask what you need of them. If you can do that, you will be magnetic. Also, you will be seen as a healed, healthy person. What do I mean by that? Wounded people think about themselves. Wounded people talk about themselves. Wounded people try to get something from others. Wounded people use people as a means to an end. Healthy people give from a sense of abundance.

14:54Healthy people have health flowing out of them, and I can now serve you. So you want to slow down, and you want to tune in. By slow down, I literally mean talk slower. By tuning in, I mean be curious and ask yourself, what does this person need from me? How can I serve them? Just ask yourself that, by the way. Everybody you interact with, how can I serve this person? How can I serve this person? All right, step three, respond from connection, not performance. right respond from connection not performance here's some tips on that affirm their story what do i mean by that uh chris voss calls it labeling and i do this a lot i do it just intuitively now i don't think about it but i will say that says a lot about you i just met a woman in washington dc the other day who commutes from chattanooga tennessee literally gets on airplanes and flies to Washington, D.C.

15:58every week. And what I said when she told me that was, well, she said she chose Chattanooga because she and her husband loved the city and they loved being able to hike. They loved how beautiful it was. And I literally thought to myself, that says a lot about you. And I said it, that says a lot about you. It says that you care about the outdoors. It says that you are not willing to sacrifice your quality of life. It says that you have standards. It says that you have a whole and balanced life. And that's what I mean when I say affirm their story. It's another way that you can actually respond with more connection or from a sense of connectedness than talking at somebody.

16:47Also, express what you share in common. I'm like that too. Yeah, me too. Same here. I believe that. But my wife and I had lunch with an old friend in New York City, and I said something somewhat provocative or controversial I can't remember. Oh, I think I said she's young and she's single. And so I said, I think sometimes it's healthy to view relationships almost like commodities, where you just say, how can I increase my worth on the open market? And I said, I know that's base. I know. But I just think it's just a helpful paradigm. And she goes, I completely agree with you. I was like, okay, I really like you.

17:30You kind of let me off the hook here because I thought I was saying something that might not, might be offensive. And that idea of like, I completely agree with you is responding from connection. Another thing you can do, another tip, summarize what you heard. It was a great one. All right. I'm hearing you say this. This is what I'm hearing you say. That just makes somebody feel so safe. You know, we are drawn to people who are survival assets. We are drawn away from people or repulsed by people who are survival liability because the brain, the human brain, its main job is to keep you alive and help you survive.

18:05And so people who think about us and who listen to us, people who can repeat what we just said, those are survival assets. They're listening. They care. That is somebody we want around. And we call that magnetic or charming. It's none of that. It's survival. They are a survival asset. Now, let's say that you are in a contentious conversation. It's an argument. There's a disagreement. You can still be magnetic. What you want to do is you want to say, I've heard you say this, and I want you to know I'm willing to consider that. I'm going to take that back with me. That's interesting. I'm willing to consider that.

18:50And then also thank them for sharing and say, I appreciate you connecting with me on this issue. Listen to those words. I appreciate you connecting with me about this. Instead of, it was great to see you. If you say, I appreciate you connecting with me about this, they believe that you just connected and that you are somebody easy to connect with. Why? Why do they believe that? Because that's what you told them. I really like connecting with you today. Thanks for making a little time. You know, people believe what you tell them to believe, and you just told them that we connected. And you've also told them that you're an easy person to connect with.

19:41So how does this look in real conversation? Before this podcast, you talked fast. After, you were calm. Before this podcast, you were defensive. Now, you're curious. So I'll go back through the three things that you and I need to do if we want to have better connections with people. Slow down. Tune in. and respond from connection. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of the StoryBrand podcast. Took a little departure here, but hey, I see it all as messaging. And there's no question that you are a big part of growing your business. Do me a favor. I want you to share this episode with everybody on your team because if everybody on your team is really good at connecting, then lots of customers are going to feel connected to your brand and to your business.

20:38Business is all about people, all about relationships, all about the way we make people feel. And brands that make people feel heard, seen, understood, and cared about, especially by somebody who is in authority, they see your brand as a survival asset, and they buy more of your products. If you want more information about StoryBrand, how to create messaging that builds your business, go to storybrand.com. We've got a live workshop takes place in Nashville, Tennessee, and I have a mastermind that I'd love for you to join. Just go to storybrand.com if you want to learn more. Thanks for listening to the StoryBrand podcast.

21:20No matter where you are in your marketing and messaging journey, get the tools, the training, and the support you need to start clarifying that message at storybrand.com. And don't forget to follow and subscribe to the show wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode. And if you're watching on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and then leave a comment letting us know what resonated with you and what we can unpack to help your business grow in a future episode. Thanks again for listening and we'll see you next week.