Surrendering Ego | EP 64

0:08Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to another episode of the success series. I am your host David Berg. Really excited to be back here with Erin Fetherston. We've had her on once before for those of you that are watching but we're going to explore different topics today. We'll again revisit all about her amazing story but get deeper into life and why we chase certain things and pursue certain aspects of life. And so Erin, it's great to be here with you here today. If you could share a little bit with our listeners who you are and why you're excited to be here.

0:34Erin Fetherston:Sure. Well, thanks for having me again. It's so fun to be here with you. I professionally, I think people know me as a designer. I had my start in fashion. I had a women's wear brand called Erin Featherston that I started in my young 20s. I started in Paris and then I eventually moved to New York where I showed in New York Fashion Week for over a decade and really built it to something that I would say really exceeded my dreams. And then I have, it's been a couple of years now, but I have evolved into doing interior design for homes, which is where my focus is now. I became a mother along the way, which sort of prompted that evolution, because it's a little more aligned with my life now as a mom of three young boys.

1:33Erin Fetherston:And I love doing interior design. I do mostly residential homes, and that's me. Love it. It's ironic. We had you on exactly almost one year ago from today. It was August the last year. And so I'm sure a ton has happened in your life since then. What are some of the milestones or highlights over the last year? Well, professionally, I've just been growing in my own career. So it's just been really exciting because I think when you do interior design, it's very much project to project. And these projects can take a long time to come to fruition. but um you know just seeing myself grow with experience growing my knowledge base and my confidence and references is just great to feel yourself like growing into what you love to do being able to take on larger projects um higher pressure projects being able to collaborate with really a talent people I think that has been something that's really revealed itself to me in the last 12 months as I've been able to work on projects with really high caliber talent where I'm just one person on a team of really incredible architects builders landscape architects so bringing my own perspective onto a team where everybody is in a player is really exciting for me personally because I just feel like you know you whatever you're bringing is going to be amplified right everyone else on the team because you know we all have our specialization but in the end it's always like part of a bigger whole right and you mentioned team it's something that I often think about and many conversations with people it's I think it's one of the hardest things to do to build like a really great team around you what have you noticed one with yourself and your ability to attract the right people and then also keep them excited about the mission and what you're building well in in this case I didn't build this team.

3:31Erin Fetherston:I brought on to a team that is a, you know, a client driven project. Sure. And so I get to be on their team. And it's, it's interesting. It's something that I spent most of my life actually trying to build my own team. Right. And this is actually the first time that I really feel like, oh, I got drafted onto an A team. And so instead of trying to like build an A-team from scratch, which gives you really hard, especially if you're up and coming and you may not have A-team resources. That was a struggle that I danced with in all the years I was doing fashion. It was an upstart, and so it's hard to attract A-level talent.

4:15Erin Fetherston:You want to sort of evolve together to be like an A-team still. Totally. But this is different because I feel Like I got drafted on. Right. You're not the head coach. You're you're the. Yeah. So it's a it's a new experience for me. So I'm not. The mastermind of it, I'm playing a role on it. And actually, I'm seeing this is a refreshing experience for me because I'm I have so much respect for all the other people. And I'm like, wow, you know, you have to be so brilliant to be them. I really am seeing the depth of knowledge and some of the people I'm working with, it's like they have a 40, 50 year career under their clothes.

4:59Erin Fetherston:So of course they know so much about topics that I may not know much about. So it's humbling and exciting. Totally. And then when you're, because I'm thinking when we work with our customers and when you work on a project or a given customer's request, how do you balance you as the expert really seeing the vision for the design and how you want it to manifest versus the feedback the client is giving you where sometimes it might be counterintuitive or really you know rejecting each other i think that's a great question and i think there's sort of affinity of form at least in my personal experience right it's not always going to be like this but i think in the nature of what i'm doing which is creative which is design the chances are I'm going to attract someone who's we're going to have a similar point of view sure right because my point of view and taste is established and that's going to either resonate with them or not so already the match is going to be made in a resonance right of like affinity of form and then of course it's more understanding I think when it comes to understanding like the needs of a client and how to adapt your vision for their needs it's like so layered like it's so much more than design work right feel like i use my intuition i use my emotional intelligence you have to use like all kinds of levels of listening skills you you have to perceive like family dynamics or that that's relevant to a residential home you know but understanding like I don't know I feel like I need to see everyone I want to know the kids I want to know how old they are and all this comes into the fix yeah because sometimes like if you're building a house from scratch that could take several years right so you might have a one-year-old baby but like by the time you're in that house you you're gonna have a four-year-old and if you're a first-time mom you might not really know what that looks like right right so like I'm just trying to kind of you see into the future a little bit because of Of course, when it comes to something like a house, you want it to stand the test of time.

7:12Erin Fetherston:So I think it's about understanding the needs and then interpreting that through the design lens. Right. But it's not always just about like, hey, I like white couches and you need to have a white couch. And white couches really, and you might like white couches, but you've got five kids and that's not going to be true. And they're peanut butter and jelly, you smear it all over. That's not going to be a practical choice for you. So we can both agree that white couches look great in a photo, but that's not what we're going to do. And they also won't stay white if you have four. Yeah, so there's ebb and flow.

7:46Erin Fetherston:But I've been fortunate that I haven't found myself in any real, like, Where it's like, hey, I need this. And you're like, no. Yeah, no, I've been really fortunate. I haven't felt like, oh, my God, my client is making me do this. I hate it. and if I feel strongly about something I will I will explain my position and I don't have to do it very often but I think it's funny I wish I actually had this confidence in other areas of my life it's funny because once I had a client she was a lawyer okay and I felt like she actually was gonna make the wrong decisions so I really presented to her listen I really feel it should be this and these are the reasons why and she says me at the end of everything she was like oh my goodness you should have been a lawyer because you presented your case really well and i was laughing to myself because being a lawyer is like the last thing i would be a point good at i hate conflict right i'm like that is the last thing so it's funny like i think sometimes where you have we all have our areas where we have more authority sure and um design happens to be that space for me right and then I'm not like that in every part of my life yeah we'll get into that you mentioned intuition when do you lean on intuition versus the facts in front of you or the data that's there would you say it's 50 % of the time is the majority of the time I don't know how to give you a percentage but I think it's just like it's it's very important to to use like the power of observation or also I think especially in does design but maybe other things too is understanding that like someone might be using words but you're like do they really mean the words that they're saying so like in a design conversation it could be like i know we're building a ranch but you keep telling me references about a cottage and i know that the house that we're building is not a cottage right but i know that you haven't been to design school of this is not your area that's what i'm here is to interpret what is she really trying to tell me about wanting this cottage aesthetic in this like modern ranch house we're building i'm like okay i know we're not going to do a cottage here because it's not the right context for this project but i understand oh when she's saying cottage i get what she means she wants cozy she wants this certain color palette that she's associating with that and so i can sort of like take that word and unpack it because if I took that literally if there's value would be with yeah we would be going the wrong direction so you know and that takes time and expertise in like one's own lane to be able to realize that someone might be telling you what they want but like you have to make sure that sometimes we won't have like mastery of those terms correctly so just I guess that's where the interpretation skills come in.

10:54Right. Yeah. Someone I used to work for, they would say, listen to what I mean, not what I say. And so, right. It's like, well, how do I know what you mean if that's what you said?

11:03Erin Fetherston:So, but I, it takes good listening or, you know, maybe it, it also, it takes time, especially it's very relationship based. Right. Um, you know, like you had a comment from them and a, in a different conversation about a different part, but maybe you glean something about their preferences. And so you can think ahead like, oh, I don't think that this is going to work for them based on this, that or the other. So when I started my fashion company, I did my first runway show and I was 24 years old. And it really came about in such a passion driven, organic way. Like I had gone to fashion design school because I just loved clothes and I loved making clothes and I loved dressing up and, and, and it was just really kind of as simple as that.

11:53Erin Fetherston:Like I couldn't find things that I liked, so I needed to figure out how to make them so I could have the things that I wanted. And then from there, it just like took kind of a life of its own. But I think what worked about it at the seed level was just like the authenticity of that. And really how I grew my brand like in the very beginning was just going out and wearing my creations and I would just meet great people who were like oh my gosh like I love I love your dress I'm like you do you want to wear it tomorrow right I mean a lot that really happened a lot and so it kind of became this I didn't plan it it wasn't a strategy that was on paper it just sort of happened like I was a young girl.

12:41Erin Fetherston:It was fun to be in my 20s, out and about. The world was different. This was pre-social media. So it was a very much in real life world, not like today. So if you wanted to meet someone or for things to happen, I feel like the only way for that to take place was to be out there. And for me, being in the cities of Paris and New York, and sometimes I come to LA too, like you know you just never would know right like fast forward you're trying to grow your brand then you're taking on overhead then it's like the seriousness of a business kicks in right like you have the spark and then you're lucky enough to actually get momentum and have success but now you've got a bowl of structure around it and like i had to really grow up so fast right so i just could remember by the end like thinking you know i've got a building it has to be a certain size and we've got to be a lifestyle brand and I've got to grow into all these other categories.

13:41Erin Fetherston:And by the end, I remember saying to myself, like, you want to have a lifestyle brand and you do not have a life. I was just like chained to my desk, you know, six, seven days a week working, you get 12 hour days, never taking a vacation, never taking time on, never even mentally taking time right there's always always in it and then i felt like you know the inspiration like those magic moments they're not happening when you're just chained to your desk it's not the same you can't automate the magic and i felt like that was challenging and when finally when i when I had when I had my first child he turned one I sort of had that like coming coming to Jesus moment for myself like you know this was amazing I had a great run doing this I like lived my dream but it's not the dream anymore that your dream can evolve and it it took a lot of courage actually because if you have something that you know you worked so hard to build it could be hard to walk away from it right you know because it's a lot of investment and but if something stops working i or working for you uh i think it takes a lot of courage but i see as every year passes even though that was like painful yeah it was painful yeah when you have to let go of right something amazing it was pretty hard and it wasn't like the nature of that business you can't kind of keep it going right you're either all in or you're all out you're out because it requires such a machine right and it's so time driven but there's no like dabbling right like what I'm doing now one could dabble sure but but not that so it was just like it was jarring right it took me a while to even really truly be at peace with it but it created space for a new life to come forth.

15:46Erin Fetherston:Now I have three children and I'm able to be very present with them. And I'm still able to work and use my mind, use my creativity, which is important to me. So sometimes it's important to be flexible and not be trapped by your illusion of success. Right. And you mentioned the pain and letting go of something that you've built and grown so large. How do you deal with the identity crisis that I can attest to feeling today, even actively running this company? It's when things are going well, my confidence is here. When things are not, my entire perception of self is in the gutter. Like, I don't feel like I'm worthy.

16:26I don't feel that I'm capable. I don't feel that I should be running this company. All those negative thoughts overwhelm you, right? So I can't even imagine like losing all, if I lost this tomorrow and be like, what do I have left? So how do you deal with that? And how did you?

16:41Erin Fetherston:It was hard. It was really hard for me because of course also my business was very much like my face, my name, very public facing work. I was really accustomed to having my runway shows a couple of times a year. You're always putting public facing work and you're Feeling like your work is in a public facing dialogue. So to just go quiet, I felt like I ceased to exist. Right, like where did Erin go? She just disappeared. Yeah, it was really hard for me, especially coupled with being a new mom where you're really home a lot. So having shifted from a very externalized existence where you're in a constant feedback loop, good or bad.

17:29Erin Fetherston:because you know you do a show you have great reviews you could get a bad review that doesn't feel good either right but like you're in a this sort of constant externalized feedback loop that is validating at least your existence right when i let step back from that if i was just like hung with a non-verbal toddler

17:51Erin Fetherston:what do i do yeah i mean it was tough but i think that um I think from myself personally in my own growth journey I think that probably was a divine a divinely orchestrated step and it's something I still grapple with too right of you know I I do exist I do continue to exist even if there's no external reflection of that and learning how to go within and really building your connection to the creator to the divine to yourself totally think it's a lifelong work yeah so what what excites you like when you look at your life today what are you what are you driven by primarily aside from your kids of course but well so many things honestly because i i love to learn and that could be learning about spirituality that could be learning about my trade my craft getting better just like I enjoy life experience right you know and just feeling like there's always momentum and we're always getting more information getting wiser so I think like being just a student of life is very exciting to me and even learning through my children it's not just about them but I see, I feel like I just learned so much about the human experience as a mom and just seeing how like these little children come in and they're also different.

19:28Erin Fetherston:And they're really like born with their personality. And then you get to observe them like, and then they're friends and then they have a whole little world. And you just see like the dynamics and how they are who they are. And that there's so many ways of being. I think like that's something I I learn a lot in this observational role as a as a mom going through like the school process not this time as a kid as a student where you're very much looking through like your own experience like looking a little bit more as an observer seeing children go through that experience I'm like oh my gosh like things that used to bother me as a kid or like you know that disruptive boy in the the class that was so menacing I'm like now as a mom like oh he's just dysregulated that's all it is exactly like yeah a different perspective more context and then just understanding like oh well like some people just it's funny like I used to be very annoyed by people chewing gum okay loudly it was like a pet peeve of mine now that I see so many kids I'm like oh some people really need to chew gum they need to chew gum because the act of the chewing helps them focus their mind so you know I used to think I was like bad just an annoying kid yeah or just and I'm like oh my gosh I have so much more like compassion and understanding and then the the being annoyed by it goes away right so I just think like being a student with life is very exciting I love that with all the chaos that's going on in the world and it's like almost especially you mentioned with social media and It's right in front of you, whether you want to see it or not.

21:13How do you balance your own internal energy in spite of all these fears and just things coming up? And then when you're talking to others, too, that maybe also have a very intense energy, how are you able to protect and control yours?

21:25Erin Fetherston:That's a great, great question. One, I think you have to actually be able to put the phone down. You know, they say, I think, like, there's an anthropological point of view that, like, humans were really designed to be in villages of about 150 people. Really? That's how we're wired. Okay. Sort of like a capacity of knowing about 150 people and, like, knowing what's happening in our village. and like we're not designed to know about the person across every single individual conflict and individual and it's like it's so overwhelming like I'm very empathic and I could get very overwhelmed right by the news and and I know what it's happening to me because I can feel it in my body like I can feel the tension and all this and sometimes I just have to say well me feeling like that isn't going to help anybody sure so taking a breath like putting arms length away and i think sometimes it is good to just really focus on those 150 of the village around you because i think like the butterfly effect like things do sort of resonate out into the world So I think it's important to be realistic about where you can have impact.

22:49Erin Fetherston:Right? It's like if I'm so busy looking on Instagram about horrendous occurrences in the world, but I'm not attending to my children, they don't know about that. They just want a mom who's engaged with them. like the quantum effect of me being present and modeling emotional regulation and showing them that they're a priority to me like not my screen because they don't know what the important story is that just happens and they can carry that out and it carries out so I think you just have to kind of of course remain aware but take responsibility for what's closest to you Sure. In lieu of finishing with something external for the world, what is your hope, both for your children, but for the world as a whole in 20, 30, 40 years as you look into the future?

23:41Where would you like to see the world?

23:42Erin Fetherston:I think the world is just operating under such a mega illusion of being divided. You're you. I'm me. We're on this team. You're on that team. Our teams can never come together. And I think that if this illusion could lift and we could all really actually see each other as brothers and sisters. I mean, I feel like cheesy saying that, but I just think like the number one thing that's needed in the world is a sense of unity and understanding like we're part of a collective one. And there needs to be like a massive perspective shift. Thank you so much for being on the show, Erin. Always a pleasure.

24:29Thank you guys for tuning in and we'll be back.