330. Quick Thinks: A CLEAR Way Through Conflict

0:00Hi, Matt here. We're partnering with Masterclass to host a free Ask Matt Anything based on content from Think Fast Talk Smart and my Strategic Communication Masterclass Certification course. Please join us at 8.30 a.m. Pacific on October 14th. Sign up at fastersmarter.io slash masterclass. Again, 8.30 a.m. Pacific on October 14th at fastersmarter.io slash masterclass. And now a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, allowing us to bring you this episode free of charge. The more time I can spend thinking, teaching, and communicating clearly, the better I can do the work that really matters to me.

0:44Superhuman Go helps me protect more of that time. It works where I already work and is already up to speed on what's in front of me. So if I'm catching up on a long email thread, preparing for a meeting, or drafting a response, I can get help right there without switching apps, losing my place, or having to explain all the context again. It's from the makers of Grammarly, which I have relied on for years. And I like that Go can handle some of the most repetitive work that I have to do while I stay in control and focus on the work that actually needs me. Try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly.

1:17Find out more at superhuman.com.

1:25Conflict and challenge can arise in a flash. Being able to communicate calmly and clearly in these situations can have a huge impact on your short and long-term relationships. My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach strategic communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business. Welcome to this special Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast. I am thrilled to share that an updated version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter book and audiobook is now available. I've added content that shares how best to leverage AI for spontaneous speaking, how to reduce the added communication anxiety AI can bring, along with many other best practices I've learned since the book first came out.

2:09Additionally, I've added a chapter many people requested on how to handle in-the-moment conflict. Take a listen to an excerpt from the updated audiobook on how to better manage emotional challenges that can flare up in our relationships. Application number seven, staying calm, focused, and clear when conflict strikes. Key insight. Years ago, a friend of mine ran into some unexpected trouble during a birthday dinner for his sister that he was hosting. As my friend was slicing up his sister's favorite roast chicken dish, she made a snide remark about his parenting skills. Feeling hurt and offended, he couldn't help but lob some bitter insults back at her.

2:55Their dispute escalated, and despite the efforts of other family members to intervene, his sister stormed out. The two didn't speak for a few years. Today, my friend realizes that their rupture didn't have to happen, but was spurred by the spontaneous, unpredictable nature of the conflict. Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't handle the situation as calmly and productively as he might have. Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but they aren't inherently bad. In fact, they're essential. Research suggests that conflict, when properly handled, can lead to better work outcomes, stronger relationships, and creative problem-solving.

3:34The key is to overcome the strong emotions that seize hold of us when we unexpectedly find ourselves under fire. The spontaneous nature of these moments is precisely what makes them so challenging. When someone takes offense at a comment we've made, or interrupts with sharp criticism, or says something that disappoints us and leaves us stewing, we know that an aggressive or otherwise ill-advised retort on our part will only make matters worse. We have to get our message right, but we're also usually not at our calmest, clearest, or most rational. These situations demand our very best communication precisely when our stress response undermines our ability to deliver it.

4:16As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book Crucial Conversations, notes, under conditions of threat, we have a tendency to tell ourselves three kinds of stories. Victim, villain, and helpless stories. In the moment, my friend might have convinced himself that he was a helpless victim who had been accosted by his sister. He hadn't done anything to deserve that. He might have framed his sister as the villain, someone who apparently feels entitled to say whatever she wants, regardless of whom she hurts. He might have justified the insults he threw at her by reasoning that he had no choice as he was under attack.

4:53Anyone affronted like he'd been would have responded similarly. He was helpless to respond otherwise. These three kinds of narratives work together to lock us into defensiveness. They amp up our emotions and justify unhealthy responses, creating what researchers call a conflict spiral in which negative emotions and expressions feed on themselves. We're not doomed to such spirals. With the right tools and a bit of practice, we can train ourselves to overcome the emotions that arise when we're caught by surprise so that we can respond in ways that strengthen our relationships. Although we might not always achieve the outcomes we want, we can boost our chances if we learn to manage conflict productively and disagree nicely.

5:41Why it matters. Understanding how to communicate effectively in these unplanned conflict moments is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. When we mishandle impromptu disagreements at work or at home, our productivity and that of others around us declines. Our relationships fracture, and we can suffer long-term damage to our reputations. We also miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, which could lead to better solutions and set us up better for future interactions. When we become adept at disagreeing, we can become more effective, happier, and connected with others around us.

6:20Craft your content A mountain of research exists around conflict, and I've been fortunate to have a number of experts appear on my Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast as guests. Coming away from these conversations, it occurred to me that devices from earlier in this audiobook, for instance, what, so what, now what, can help structure our communication responses in conflict, so we don't simply need another one. Instead, we need a method for cautiously laying the groundwork for an effective response. Before we can pin down precisely how to communicate when in the heat of conflict, we first must step back, calm ourselves, and interrogate the situation in a methodical way.

7:06Synthesizing the insights and approaches of my podcast guests, I've arrived at a five-step framework called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows us to achieve a refreshing clarity even in the most heated moments. C. Check yourself. L. Listen with receptiveness. E. Explore their perspective. A. Acknowledge before advocating. R. Respond strategically. After running through the first four steps in the CLEAR framework, you can then leverage earlier structures in the R step to help you craft your message in the moment. Let's explore each of these five steps in turn. Step 1. Check yourself. Self-awareness is the foundation for effective communication during conflicts.

8:01You can't engage productively with others if you don't understand your own internal state. Jen Wynn, a professor at New York University's Stern School of Business, advises we should first look for cues and clues that we're feeling triggered. A lump in our throat. Butterflies. A clenched jaw. A quickened pulse. If we sense these and similar signs, we can learn to pause even just for a few seconds, taking a breath or two while imagining a peaceful place or person whom we find calming. This serves to activate our parasympathetic nervous system and counteract our stress response. It also gives us a moment to shift out of a reactive mode and move from a hotter emotional state to a cooler one.

8:47As we're pausing, we can reframe the situation in our minds, reminding ourselves that what we initially took as a threat might actually be an opportunity to learn. We might ask ourselves why someone might reasonably be acting as our partner in conflict is. Example. Years ago, a colleague of mine, I'll call him Chuck, and I were collaborating on a fairly high-stakes work project. During a meeting with our mutual boss, Chuck proposed a course of action that undercut me and ran counter to what he and I had previously agreed. I was surprised and angry. I felt my chest tighten as it always does when I get upset, and this clued me in to take a moment to pause and check in with myself.

9:30Rather than rushing to confront Chuck in front of our boss, I managed to calmly ask Chuck why he thought his approach was the best course of action. Step 2. Listen openly. Once you've checked yourself, focus on listening, making use of the skills presented in Chapter 4. Passive hearing isn't enough. You must show genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective and openness to what they might be saying. What Harvard University's Julia Minson calls conversational receptiveness. As she found in her research, adding simple phrases that express a willingness to learn dramatically changes how others perceive us.

10:12Try saying, I understand this is a really complicated topic and I'd love to understand your point of view. Or, I get that some people might disagree, and I'd like to learn about your perspective. You can also convey curiosity explicitly by asking respectful, open questions. As the person speaks, process what they're saying rather than planning out what you're going to say next. We often feel uncomfortable showing curiosity when we're in conflict with others, as it can feel like we're acquiescing. But the benefits of curiosity and listening are significant. As Minson notes, research participants who expressed curiosity came across as dramatically more reasonable and thoughtful and pleasant than those who didn't.

10:58Example In my conflict with Chuck, I asked lots of questions, including, what are the short and long-term implications of your plan of action? And are there ways that we can support your goals while also addressing mine? I queried him about specific tactical issues like cost, timing, and scalability. My tone here was critically important. I conveyed genuine curiosity and deference, listening intently to his responses. Although Chuck did provide a clear rationale and detailed information, he wound up digging into his position. This wasn't what I'd hoped, but at least I had a better sense of how strongly he held his position and how thoroughly he'd thought it out.

11:42We'll be right back to finish our conversation. But first, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors. Their support covers the cost of production, so we can bring you this show for free. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. The best communicators don't just get their message across. They make it easy for people to know what to do next. Your website can do the same thing. With Squarespace, you can build a polished online presence that clearly shows people who you are, what you offer, and how they can work with you. If you offer coaching, consulting, classes, or other services, Squarespace lets you showcase those offerings, take payments, and use acuity scheduling so people can book time with you directly.

12:23And with built-in analytics, you can see how people are finding and engaging with your site, helping you make smarter decisions about where to focus. So your online presence doesn't just look professional, it helps people take action. Go to squarespace.com slash thinkfast for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code THINKFAST to save 10 % off your first purchase of a website or domain. Teams don't usually struggle because people aren't working hard. They struggle because everyone is working from a slightly different understanding. One person has the latest version. Someone else remembers a decision differently.

13:02before long, you're spending more time getting aligned than actually moving the work forward. That's why I find Notion's approach so interesting. Notion is the AI workspace where your team's knowledge, projects, and AI all come together in one place. When everyone is working from the same shared context, teams move faster, stay aligned, and spend less time searching for information. What I like most is the philosophy behind it. It feels less like AI replacing people and more like AI helping people communicate, collaborate, and make better decisions together. Learn more about how Notion can support your business at notion.com slash thinkfast.

13:41That's all lowercase letters, notion.com slash thinkfast to try Notion today. And when you use our link, you're supporting our show. Step three, explore their perspective. Before you can respond effectively, be sure that you understand not just what the other person is saying, but why they're saying it. This requires that you think strategically about their situation, motivations, and interests. Ask yourself, what's going on in this person's mind? What concerns do they have? Thinking back to the villain stories that Joseph Grenny mentioned, try to challenge such narratives in your mind. Might this person be behaving more reasonably or rationally than you think?

14:22Do they have insight, perspective, or experience that you lack? And might this be guiding their actions? Are you ascribing negative intent to them where none existed? Example. As my conversation with Chuck unfolded, my boss and I learned that he was really most concerned about finding a new role for an employee of his who had a lot of potential but was struggling in his current role. The desire to help this employee was a key reason that Chuck had deviated from the course of action on which we'd previously agreed. Step 4. Acknowledge before advocating. Once you understand the other person's perspective, don't just rush in presenting your own.

15:05Rather, convey your understanding by paraphrasing back what the other person said and making sure that you've heard them correctly. Many conflicts flare out of control because we rush to make our point without first showing we've genuinely listened. By conveying our understanding, we're not necessarily agreeing with the other person. We're simply demonstrating that we've heard them and that we respect them enough to consider carefully what they're saying. In repeating what you've heard, emphasize any points of agreement, ask for clarification if needed, and guard against subtly disparaging or reframing what they've said in the course of paraphrasing it.

15:43When conveying disagreement, don't immediately contradict it, but instead point to a more integrative and inclusive approach. Instead of saying, I understand you're frustrated, but we discussed this deadline last week, say, I understand why you might be frustrated, and I want to talk about how we can make this deadline work. The simple use of and instead of but makes all the difference. Example. After posing questions and listening attentively, I recounted Chuck's position in my own words, indicating that I understood how strongly he felt and that I appreciated his position. I also indicated respectfully that I didn't agree with him and that I also had an alternative viewpoint that was worth considering.

16:30Step 5. Respond strategically. After the first four steps, you're finally ready to respond substantively. You might feel tempted to advocate strongly for your position and adopt a take-no-prisoners approach. Instead, respond with an eye toward maintaining the relationship and keeping dialogue open. Following the advice given elsewhere in this audiobook, clarify your own deeper goals and core priorities and adjust your communication given the specific relationships in play. Think too about which communication medium might be the most advantageous given the circumstances. Instead of responding immediately in the moment, perhaps it would help to wait a few hours and send an email.

17:11Doing so might give you and the other person time and space to think and let your emotions cool. On the other hand, email might feel too formal and using it might be taken as a sign of distancing and disrespect. It all depends on the situation. Example. In my conflict with Chuck, I thought of a way we could implement his desired course of action while modifying it to satisfy my concerns. We could adopt a phased approach that allowed his employee to do both the role Chuck wanted and a bit of the role I needed. This wasn't a perfect solution, but it was good enough. Although Chuck grew heated, I presented this solution in a way that was calm and reasonable.

17:54My boss expressed appreciation for the professional way I'd conducted myself, and in the end, he decided to go with what I proposed. Well, there you have it. A clear way to handle the in-the-moment conflicts that we all experience. I find myself relying on these techniques often, and they really can make a difference. I encourage you to use these techniques as well. Please check out my updated Think Faster, Talk Smarter book wherever you get your books and audiobooks. This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast Company and the audio team at Simon & Schuster for providing this excerpt.

18:42Thanks for joining me for this Quick Thanks episode. If these takeaways were helpful, I'd love for you to listen to the full episode that started this conversation. There's more context, more stories, and more tools to support your communication. Give it a listen. And as always, thanks for your support. Before we wrap up, I just want to say thank you for listening. It really means a lot to hear how people all over the world are using these ideas in their own lives. It inspires me and the whole team that brings you this show. If you want more episodes and resources, feel free to follow, subscribe, and explore past conversations.

19:14We're grateful for your support of Think Fast, Talk Smart.