851: Try a Little Tenderness

22:24I thought we had something Something real I suppose I've been a fool I'll just take my Batmans and go Uh-oh, looks like someone got into the Hanukkah drawer I watched with silent rage as Mama snaps the stickers from my hand. He's going through a phase, sneaking around, getting into everything. He thinks he's a little detective.

22:56The grown-up laughed in my face. And as their sick coffee breath hit my nose, something snapped inside my brain. Before I could stop myself, I was lunging at them. Arms flailing and legs kicking. Terrible twos! I punched and spat as the grown-ups tried to restrain me But I was determined not to break this time, no This time, I wasn't going down without a fight How about some yummy medicine?

23:38I woke hours later My mind was so foggy It took me a second to realize I wasn't there alone Staring up at me from the rug Was baby Zoe What the hell are you doing here? I brought this for you She slid something to me through the bars of my crib I couldn't make it out in the darkness, but I could feel. Soft cape, groovy hooves, fun horn. Oh, don't be crazy, kid. This moo-moo's all you have. I want us to be square. Besides, it's not like it's the real moo-moo.

24:24What are you saying? I'm saying I believe you Anyways, see you around She started to crawl away She was halfway across the very small rug she was on When I said, wait, hey, hold on now This case isn't closed A lot remains unsolved Like what? We still don't know why Mama and Dada went away this weekend Or where they went or what they did there We don't know why they go to work or what work is Or why they both have glasses We don't know their penis and vagina situation Or why they take showers and not baths We don't even know if Mama and Dada are their real names That's a lot to crack Sure, but I was thinking maybe it'd be easier if we cut a deal What are you saying?

25:22I'm saying partners You and me Well, I don't have any experience You'd have to train me Won't take long We can start right now I handed her a crayon to take notes Is this food? Sort of

25:42Okay, I'm completely lost I don't know where I am And I forgot what time it is I don't know if I'm awake Or if this is a dream And also I do not understand Mirrors Don't worry, kiddo We'll figure it all out Together

26:11John Mulaney, Chloe Fineman, Richard Kine, and Fred Armisen. They were the stars of All In, comedy about love. The show was written by Simon Rich. He has a new show, a sequel to All In, that is called All Out, comedy about ambition, on Broadway, New York City, at the Nederlander Theater. Coming up, how do you get a wild animal that hates your guts to turn the other cheek, especially if it doesn't have cheeks, that's in a minute from Chicago Public Radio when our program continues.

26:44This is American Life from Ira Glass. Today on our program, Triagal Tenderness. We have stories of people putting aside aggressiveness and anger and disappointment in other human beings and reaching out in kindness. Instead, today's show is a rerun. We've arrived at Act 2 of our program, Act 2. The Gladiator starring Ruffled Crow. Aviva de Kornfeld brings us this story about a person who tried to be considerate and where it got him. This story starts with a little tenderness. Alan Martin's a real nature lover, spends as much time as possible hiking around the mountains and birdwatching near his home in Vancouver.

27:21So it pained him when he had to cut a big tree down in his front yard because he didn't want to disturb any of the animals living in it. But the tree was starting to rot, and he was afraid it would fall onto his house. And so, like the sensitive environmental scientist that he is, Alan waited until autumn, when he knew that nesting season was over. And then, just to be extra careful, he brought in an arborist to assess the tree, to make sure he wouldn't be messing with any little critters' homes. He got the okay and hired a couple guys to cut the tree down, while he stood by, directing them this way and that.

27:58And then, the next morning, Alan stepped out of his house, and... There was this crow sitting in the front lawn at a close distance to the steps, and it's just staring right at me. That's very weird. It was a bit off-putting. I couldn't quite figure it out, but I walked down my path, and as soon as the crow was out of my sight, that's when I got this thump on the back of my head. Out of the corner of his eye, Alan saw the crow fly past him. And he thought, did that crow just hit me? It hurt. And then I did a few little experiments. I would turn away purposely and walk away, and it would leave the power line attending another hit, and I would turn around just in time, and it would swoop away.

28:42And I did this a couple of times. It was just clearly waiting for me to turn away so that it could hit me in the back of the head. Alan thought, okay, maybe this crow didn't live in this tree, but it must have meant something to it. He knew that crows are really smart, but they're also very vengeful birds and territorial. And so a short while later, when he walked out of his house... I came out and there was a crow sitting on the line, but it was a different crow. How could you tell? It was smaller. It was a bit smaller. And it wasn't as bulky. Okay. This crow, when I came outside, it caught at me.

29:25It was as if it almost recognized me as if, oh, that's the guy. It caught, and then it left. It flew down the block, and there's a green space at the end of the street. And about a minute later, it came back with the enforcer crow. This smaller crow snitching on Alan to the bigger crow. This is a real thing. I ran Alan's story by a crow researcher named Loma Pendergraft. Loma said that if a crow sees something it deems dangerous, it'll sound an alarm to summon other crows. And if they agree there's a threat, they'll dive bomb. This whole routine is called mobbing. Some people, attacked by a murder of crows, they'd be angry.

30:09Not Alan or his family. We felt bad. We'd realized we'd hurt these crows. That's a very nice reaction. Yeah, that was initially. But as the harassment persisted over the coming days, it became a source of anxiety just going outside. So the compassion for the crow, I would say, waned over time a little bit because of that. And my next questions were, how long is this going to go on for? Science actually has an answer to this question. It turns out crows can hold grudges for a very long time. Back in 2006, John Marsleff, who was a professor in wildlife science at the University of Washington, he set up an experiment to test this.

31:01He put on this ugly orange ogre mask and walked around an area where he knew crows lived. And then he captured a bunch of the crows while the rest of the flock looked on. Then he released them. The point was to distress the crows, but not hurt them. And then, for the next 17 years, every time he put on his ogre mask and walked around the place where he first captured the birds, the crows would swarm him. For years, each time he returned, more and more crows would join in. Because crows not only remember their enemies, but pass their grievances onto their crow children and grandchildren. Alan was not aware of all of that.

31:45So for weeks, he'd leave his house every day, hoping the birds had finally forgotten about him. No such luck. So he tried a new tactic. I put on a wig and a beard, and the crow was looking hard. You know, it was kind of turning its head a bit side to side. You can tell it was trying to figure out who this was, but it didn't recognize me. Just a PSA. There are other ways to ward off an angry crow, should you not have a wig on hand. You can hide yourself under an umbrella so the crows can't see you. Or you can wear sunglasses, backwards. Apparently, crows understand that sunglasses go on your eyes.

32:27And they know that if you can see them, you can potentially hurt them. So they won't attack the back of your sunglassed head, because they think you have an extra set of eyes back there. Anyway, Alan's disguise, it was working perfectly for him. And then I ripped off the beard and the wig and the crow flipped. It flipped out. Did a back flip. What? It literally flipped out. It just literally kind of flipped back up into the air a little bit, but it was completely in shock. And extremely pissed off. Like, how dare you? It sounds like you're developing a whole kind of relationship with these birds, almost.

33:11Yeah, it's a relationship of antagonism, and it's not a rewarding one.

33:24Alan decided he had to make amends with the crows. A real truce. But how do you do that? How do you make things right with a couple of birds? If you could have just sat down with them and I could have apologized. And maybe they could have explained why those trees were so important and I could have shown some understanding for them. And maybe we could have worked things out that way. But because we were unable to do that, I just thought food is maybe the next best thing. Food. You know, the tool of every animal trainer that's ever lived. And so I found this kind of brass gold-colored plate. It was shiny.

34:05And so I put some almonds on it, and I walked outside with it above my head, kind of holding my arms straight above my head. And I laid it out on the lawn. The crows caw at him loudly while he puts the plate down. He goes back inside, and a couple hours later, Alan sees the plate sitting there, empty. The almonds are gone. I did that for another three days. And then it was on the fourth day, I came outside with the plate, but they weren't calling this time. They seemed more subdued, less aggressive. And I put the plate out, I went back inside, and that was the last time I saw them.

34:54The crow researcher told me that it seemed like since Alan had merely stressed the crows out and not actually hurt them it might have been easier for them to forget why they were mad at him in the first place Alan said the whole thing having a couple of birds angry at him kind of hurt his feelings It's not like he's naive He knows nature doesn't care about his feelings It's just that he loves nature so much, and his intentions were good. He can't help but feel like, would have been nice if the crows had shown a little tenderness towards him.

35:37Evie Vida Kornfeld is the producer of our program.

35:45Act three, you'll spank me later for this. So in this show today about tenderness, we turn now to comedian Josh Johnson, who's been thinking a lot lately about when tenderness is called for and when the opposite of tenderness may actually be the right way to go. Okay. This is like a contentious thing. So just stick with me for a second. because it's weird that people are weird about it. Okay, so my friends are having kids, right? A lot of them are starting to have kids, so they're all having the conversation about, like, if they're going to spank their kids, right? And people have very strong feelings either way.

36:27Some people think, like, oh, you know, if it's rare and it's warranted, then, like, a spanking here and there is not that bad. And then some people are like, no, this is like, this is full on abuse. This is like, you're creating trauma and everything. And I'm not even telling anybody how to feel. Like, I know that I was spanked when I was a kid, right? And it made sense that I was spanked because we were poor.

37:00Do you understand what I mean? Like, there was nothing to take away.

37:07You know? Like, there was a year that my mom and I shared a bedroom when I was a little kid. What was she going to take away? The floor? She's like, rest of the month, you float from now on. And if I catch you not floating, that's your ass, all right? Do you see what I mean?

37:30because i i was in a i was in a very weird position at one point because i you know i didn't have much money but i i got a scholarship and um my family pulled their money together to make the ends meet for me to go to this catholic school right so i was a kid with no money going to school with kids with real money like like like money where they they they don't need to read you know i'm talking you know that proper money that you can't mess up you know that old money and so you know i remember it was one time we were we were sitting around lunch table

38:18and this one kid, I said something about my mom spanking me for something and we were still in junior high or whatever so I was talking about a time from before, you know? And then this other kid was like, oh, don't worry about it, you know, my dad still spanks me, right? And I was like, ooh.

38:46Tyler, you have a pool that's abuse

38:57I feel like no matter your no matter your feelings on spanking we've all met we've all met like a grown man that deserve to have their ass beat.

39:17And I think the thing for me, the thing for me is that when, when could it have happened earlier?

39:29And I want to be clear here. I'm not like blanketing, cosigning anything. I'm asking questions genuinely. I'm asking questions because people are very split on it. You know what I mean? But once again, we've all met a dude who like, damn.

39:48He really probably had it coming sooner than today.

39:57But then how do you, how do you gauge that? You know, because I get what some people are saying. Some people are like, look, we're all individuals. So even though you have your kids and your kids have a part of you in them, they're still going to be different people so then how do you make sure that this kid doesn't walk away with the worst lesson possible the worst feeling possible from this thing that like worked out for you but it might not work out for them that's that's a scary thing you know like i okay i used to i used to be like very nervous about moving to new york right i moved to New York years ago, and I remember when I got to Brooklyn, I saw...

40:39I saw a fight when I got there. And... It was a... These were two kind of big guys. One guy was, like, medium-sized, bigger than me, and he was muscular. And he looked like he knew how to fight because he did all the stances. He knew where to put his shoulders, put his fists, he could kick. He's either trained MMA in boxing or he's watched all the movies. Like, this guy really knows how to move, right? And then the big guy was just a big guy. Like, he was that, you know that type of big where you can't tell if it's fat or muscle? You just know it's in the way, right? You know that he can move things where he wants them to go.

41:23Just a big guy, right? And I don't know exactly what they were fighting about, but it felt like one of those fights it felt like one of those fights where they really wanted to fight their dad have you ever been in a bar and then you see a fight, like you can smell it brewing, and then you're also like I think if you would like punch your dad years ago, none of this would be happening right now, like you would just have one good row with them this would be a quiet evening right and uh and they were they were going at each other and some some of it was punching some of it was kicking now the guy that was like on the bigger side and muscular he really knew his way around like he was even like doing the hop of someone who knows how to fight you know you know that little light foot hop where You're like, they're about to get into it.

42:25Okay. And then there was one moment, because I walked out of this bar because I was doing a show, like a bar show with my friends. And then we were all walking out and we all saw this like happening. It would start on the sidewalk and it spilled into the street. And basically, you know, he's doing the hops and he goes for a lunch. He goes for like this big punch. Right. And when he goes for the big punch, the big dude moves out of the way and grabs his wrist. And they both look at it. They both look at it like he grabs his wrist and looks at it. And then he looks at it like, oh, oh.

43:02And and then and then he grabs his wrist. And with his other hand, he grabs the back of the dude's belt. Right. Pulls him forward. Knocks the guy pretty much off balance. lets go of the wrist, passes the belt to his other hand, lifts him up, and then spanked him in public. And like...

43:35I had never seen somebody with a beard get spanked before. And he's really like floating and everything. And this guy is like letting them have it, right? Like one after the other. This dude spanked him so much he took a break. There was one point where he was holding him suspended in the air by his belt, but also like...

44:02And then after like the 36th lick, let's go of the belt dude drops to the ground he gets up and he sort of limps off a lot of expletives and stuff but it's kind of done and uh this guy goes back into the bar we were just in because he wasn't watching the show the show was in like a back room this guy was just in the bar and i had no idea like what the fight was about because once again we had already walked out and was already happening. But he walked back in and I'm like, I'm a curious duck. You know what I mean? Like, so I go back in after him and I'm like, hey man, are you okay? Which is a weird thing to ask him, but it's like, are you okay?

44:50What was all that about? And then he turns to me and goes, I look like a lot of dudes' dads.

45:11Because dude was like 30. And he looked like he could be a dad, right? And so he's like, no, I just look like a lot of dude's dads. And I was like, wow, how did you find that out? And he was like, oh, yeah, you know, after the fourth or fifth fight,

45:33you start to put things together

45:42and he told me he told me that sometimes he goes to the bar with his friends and you know he's like after a while i can just tell some guy starts looking at me and then he comes and starts jawing at me and i can tell it's not about me because it's I was just sitting here. I wasn't doing anything. And then he wants to fight. And he either swings at me first or he says, let's go outside, but this happens pretty often.

46:12And I was like, wow, are you a dad, though? And he was like, yeah.

46:23I was like, do you spank your kid? He was like, oh, no. No, I would never.

46:39Josh Johnson. Check out his YouTube channel, Josh Johnson Comedy. Tour dates, videos, and albums are at joshjohnsoncomedy.com. Act four, the feels on the bus. There are, of course, so many people who believe that being tenderhearted is not a good way to live. in this tough and unforgiving world. For some people, it's a matter of principle. They think it works out better for everybody that way. Eckhart Carreth has this short story about someone like that. This is a story about a bus driver who would never open the door of the bus for people who were late. Not for anyone. Not for repressed high school kids who'd run alongside the bus and stare at it longingly.

47:22And not for high-strung people in windbreakers who'd bang on the door as if they were actually on time and it was the driver who was out of line. And not even for little old ladies with brown paper bags full of groceries who struggled to flag him down with trembling hands. And it wasn't because he was mean that he didn't open the door, because this driver didn't have a mean bone in his body. It was a matter of ideology. The driver's ideology said that even if the delay caused by opening the door for someone who came late was just under 30 seconds, and even if not opening the door meant that this person would wind up losing 15 minutes of his life, it would still be more fair to society to not open the door.

48:09Because the 30 seconds would be lost by every single passenger on the bus. And if there were, say, 60 people on the bus, who hadn't done anything wrong, and had all arrived to the bus stop on time, then together they'd be losing half an hour, which is double 15 minutes.

48:34This was the only reason why he'd never opened the door. He knew that the passengers hadn't the slightest idea what his reason was and that the people running after the bus and singling him to stop had no idea either. He also knew that most of them thought he was just an ass and that personally it would have been much much easier for him to let them on and receive their smiles and thanks. Except that when it came to choosing between smiles and thanks on the one hand and the good of society on the other, this driver knew what it had to be.

49:12The person who should have suffered the most from the driver's ideology was named Eddie. But unlike the other people in this story, he wouldn't even try to run for the bus. That's how lazy and out of it he was. Now Eddie was assistant cook at a restaurant called The Steakout, which was the best pan that the stupid owner of this place could come up with. The food there was nothing to write home about, but Eddie himself was a really nice guy. So nice that sometimes when something he made didn't come out too great, he'd serve it to the table himself and apologize. It was during one of these apologies that he met happiness.

49:52Or at least a shot at happiness, in the form of a girl that was so sweet that she tried to finish the entire portion of roast beef he brought her, just so he wouldn't feel bad. And this girl didn't want to tell him her name or give him her phone number, but she was sweet enough to agree to meet him the next day at five, at a spot they decided on together. At a Dolphinarium, to be exact.

50:24Now Eddie had this condition, one that had already caused him to miss out on all sorts of things in life. It wasn't one of those conditions where your adenoids get all swollen or anything like that. But still, it had already caused him a lot of damage. This sickness always made him oversleep. By 10 minutes. And no alarm clock did any good. That was why he was always late for work at the stakeout. That, and our bus driver, the one who always chose the good of society over smiles and thanks. Except at this time, since happiness was at stake, Eddie decided to beat the condition, and instead of taking an afternoon nap, he stayed awake and watched television.

51:12Just to be on the safe side, he even lined up not one, but three alarm clocks, and ordered a wake-up call to boot. But this sickness was incurable, and Eddie fell asleep like a baby, watching the kiddie channel.

51:34He woke up in a sweat to the screeching of a trillion million alarm clocks. Ten minutes too late. Rushed out of the house, without stopping to change, and ran toward the bus stop. He barely remembered how to run anymore, and his feet fumbled a bit every time they left the sidewalk. The last time he ran was before he discovered he could cut gym class, which was about in the 6th grade. Except that unlike in those gym classes, this time he ran like crazy, because now he had something to lose, and all the pain in his chest and his lucky strike wheezing weren't going to get in the way of his pursuit of happiness.

52:11Nothing was going to get in his way. except our bus driver who had just closed the door and was beginning to pull away. The driver saw Eddie in the rearview mirror but as we've already explained he had an ideology that more than anything relied on love of justice and on simple arithmetic except that Eddie didn't care about the driver's arithmetic for the first time in his life he really wanted to get somewhere on time And that's why he went right on chasing the bus, even though he didn't have a chance.

52:54But then, Eddie's luck turned. But only halfway, 100 yards past the bus stop, there was a traffic light. And just a second before the bus reached it, the traffic light turned red. Eddie managed to catch up with the bus and to drag himself all the way to the driver's door He didn't even bang on the glass he was so weak He just looked at the driver with moist eyes and fell to his knees, panting and wheezing And this reminded the driver of something Something from out of the past From a time before he wanted to become a bus driver When he still wanted to become God It was kind of a sad memory, because the driver didn't become God at the end.

53:39But it was a happy one too, because he became a bus driver, which was his second choice. And suddenly, the driver remembered how he once promised himself that if he became God in the end, he'd be merciful and kind, and would listen to all these creatures. so when he saw Eddie from way up in his driver's seat kneeling on the asphalt he simply couldn't go through with it and in spite of all his ideology and his simple arithmetic he opened the door and Eddie got on and didn't even say thank you he was so out of breath

54:24okay Maybe the best thing would be to stop listening right now. Because even though Eddie did get to the Dolphinarium one time, happiness didn't come. Because happiness already had a boyfriend. It's just she was so sweet that she couldn't bring herself to tell Eddie, so she preferred to stand him up. Eddie waited for her on the bench they'd agreed on for almost two hours. While he sat there, he kept thinking all sorts of depressing thoughts about his life. and while he was at it he watched the sunset which was a pretty good one and thought about how cramped his legs were going to be later on. When he was really desperate to get home he saw his bus in the distance pulling in at the bus stop and letting off passengers and he knew that even if he'd had the strength to run he'd never catch up with it anyway.

55:15So he just kept on walking slowly feeling about a million tired muscles with every step. and when he finally reached the bus stop, he saw that the bus was still there, waiting for him. And even though the passengers were shouting and grumbling to get a move on, the driver waited for Eddie, and he didn't touch the accelerator till Eddie was seated. And when they started moving, he looked in the rearview mirror and gave Eddie a said wink, which somehow made the whole thing almost bearable.

56:00Edgar Carrot, reading the title story from his collection, The Bus Driver Who Wanted to Be God and Other Stories. If you want to get a short story in your email from Edgar once a week, you can sign up for that at his substack at edgarkarrot.substack.com.

56:29She may be weary Women do get weary Wearing that same old shabby dress When she gets weary Try a little tenderness

57:13She may be director Alex Timbers, producers Micah Frank and Greg Noble, also Scott Rowan and Alison Ebling, Wagner-Johnson Productions, O &M, and everybody else at the Hudson Theater. Also thanks today to Emily Woodbury and Griffin Dunn. This American Life is delivered to public radio stations by PRX, the public radio exchange, to become a This American Life partner, which gets you bonus content, ad-free listening, and hundreds of our favorite episodes of the show that'll show up right in your podcast feed. Go to thisamericanlife.org slash lifepartners. It's a great deal. It helps us out. That link is also in the show notes.

57:50Thanks, as always, to our program's co-founder, Mr. Tori Malatia. You know, he's been throwing out all of his old CDs, every single one, but he is such a Bono fan. He looks at the package, Joshua Tree, Achton Baby, and screams, Oh, God, I can't lose you too! I'm Ira Glass. Back next week with more stories of This American Life.

58:39Peace me, feed me, sock it to me, whoop it on me, put it to me, my little tender name. You got to do the things that you want to do. You got to help me, please me. Next week on the podcast of This American Life, 9-1-1 calls about ICE agents from around the country. I've got two vehicles that are in Border Patrol and they're following me. and I'm a U.S. citizen and there's actually four of them trying to ram into my car. Can you please send someone ASAP? There are calls from emergency rooms, business owners, and immigration agents themselves. I'm a Border Patrol agent. They stole my uniform. That's this week.