#570 - Chelsea Handler

25:43That's when it's bad. Yeah, maybe. I'm high as a Georgia pine. Oh, yeah. There was that one guy that did LSD. That would be good for sports. I love LSD. Yeah. Yeah, I love microdosing LSD. to put some fucking pep in your step. Like if you're really, really struggling and you're having like, your schedule's crazy and insane, LSD is the thing. I take LSD all the time. Really? I love it. A microdose. What, is there a type of, so how much is a microdose of LSD? I have a sheet of like 370 hits. I get all my drugs in Canada. I have a house in Whistler and drugs are legal there. And they're, it's like, you don't have to worry about any fucked up shit in Canada.

26:22My friends who make that, like who put, who gave, I get that are doctors, one's a therapist, one's a neurobiologist. They actually get the cleanest stuff. Like they get MDMA and they'll put in capsules and you'll get a microdose of like 50 milligrams of MDMA, which is awesome because that's like just being in a good mood. You know what I mean? You're not over the top. Right, you're not licking people and stuff. You're shaking hands and being normal. Yeah, and you're like, this is a great time. I feel like dancing. I like you. You know, LSD, same thing, just an upper, like a pick-me-up, you know?

26:50You're not hallucinating, but you're just like up, like a kind of like a psilocybin, like microdose. so I find that stuff to be very helpful and aiding with my schedule you know like I do a lot of talking I'm sure you feel the same way it's pretty much a ton of travel a ton of talking and a ton of kind of expending energy you know what I mean and absorbing other people's energy yeah so I want to be in a fucking high vibe mood yeah you don't realize how much it is you don't realize like I would do meet and greets after shows for like years just go out there for just and just do them And it just like I had like a breakdown a couple of years ago.

27:24I just was completely burnt. And I just kept doing it. I thought I wasn't working hard enough. That was my own take of it. I was like, oh, you're just not working hard enough. But I didn't realize that I just burned myself to like the end of the bowl, you know? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, those meet and greets will get you. Did you ever have a time where you got pretty burnt out? I mean, you've had a pretty – I mean, you've had an insane schedule for probably 25 years except for when you've taken breaks. Yeah, I took a six-year break after Chelsea Lately. and after, like, I didn't do stand-up for six years.

27:52That was the biggest break I've taken, but I just went so hard, you know, at both ends. I was touring, I was doing my show, I was writing books, just constantly, and I loved the idea that I had this amount of energy. I loved when people were like, how the fuck does she fly in Monday morning, tape four shows, and then go do five shows in a weekend? And I loved that adulation. Like, I got addicted to, like, the fact that I was that strong of a horse, you know what I mean? And then I went, as I left Chelsea lately, I was like, I was so over just working, but then I got roped in, not roped in. Netflix made me a really amazing offer.

28:28I thought I was going to take a break. You did a ton of episodes of that too. I did. Yeah. First I did documentaries. I did a documentary series. So that was kind of a break because that was a lighter schedule. And then I went into that show and then that show never really, like I went back to work before I was ready to go back to work. So that show never really felt like I was in my right, you know, zone, like in my flow state. So that show was like an example of don't just fucking work because someone's offering you the job. You know what I mean? You got to have your ducks in a row and understand when you need time off, when you don't.

29:00And without the time off, there is no creativity. I need the time off to be able to like have something to fucking say. So now, since I've been back to stand up after that six year break, this will be my probably fourth third special in like four years and so I'm into it now I'm back into it because I do have something to say now you know but it's important like when you are creative and you are like sharing for a living like talking you know sometimes you're out of fucking gas and the breaks are as important as the work yeah it's it's that's been a tough thing to learn because especially when you're so self-motivated and you've done all you like I've always been like, I can do this.

29:37I'll figure it out. I'll find a way. It's really hard to, um, start to use the brakes, you know, and use them to your own advantage. Also, you're so, you want to grab everything when you can grab it. You know, it's like, oh wait, I get this offer. I can't say no to this. This is a, I'm going to be even more successful. I'm going to do it. And there's an addiction component to that. And you're like, well, wait a second. You can say no to things. Things come back around. You have to like, it takes a while to get to know what you're capable of and what you're not and what's going to like deplete your energy because, you know, when you're pissed and you're burnt out, you're no good, you know, to anybody, especially yourself.

30:14So it's hard when we're in this business because it's like you can feel like feast or famine. You can be like, oh, my God, I'm getting all these opportunities. And I've certainly had times in my life where I wasn't getting a lot of opportunities. And I'm like, well, fuck, why aren't I doing that? And it's like, well, because your attitude sucks, you know, because you didn't take good care of yourself. and now you're pissed and now you're bitter. You got to get back to being happy and magnetic and like attracting good stuff. And then you get good stuff. So it really is about like adjusting your attitude, being grateful.

30:42You have to be fucking grateful. As corny as that can seem to certain people, you have to be grateful at the opportunities that are coming your way. And you also have to be a fucking pro. Like, you know, like you're not going to knock me down. I'm a pro. Like you can't get to me now. Because of so many years of knowing myself and understanding what my limits are and where I'm going to excel and where I'm going to like, you know, not excel. Yeah. Damn. Here's a not so well-kept secret. The insurance industry does not want you to know. Insurance companies profit by holding on your premiums and reserves longer so they may be motivated to delay or deny claims to keep funds invested.

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33:59I like to put mine into my smoothie. I just put it right in there and bam, I'm armored up. Tryarmra.com slash Theo. So was there you've had a good experience of drugs over the years, you know, I mean, you've talked about drinking over the years. You talked about using LSD a little bit ago. Did you ever have a time where you went sober? You tried it like you ever try recovery meetings. You ever try that kind of stuff? No, no, no, no, no. I've been, you know, have you ever been intervention or whatever? No, Jane Fonda. This is a story I write about in my book, which is Jane Fonda once called me over to her house and I had been to her birthday party.

34:38and I was out of my mind. I don't remember what drugs I was on. It could have been anything. And I was rude. I was dark. I was like, you know, insulting people. And she had given me the cold shoulder for a couple of months. And she summoned me to my house, her house, basically said, I want to have dinner with you. And I was like, what's this? This seems a little stern, this email. But it's Jane Fonda, who I respect. And I was like, okay. And I went to her house and she basically read me and was like, you were terrible at my party. You offended people. People were like not happy about what you said to them.

35:14And you were dark and moody. And why would you ever come out when you were in that kind of head space? And I was like, like, I was like, fuck, shit, fuck, shit. And mortified, mortified. But at the same time, I was also so grateful that she fucking took the time to be honest with me to have a difficult, most people don't go out of their way to have a difficult conversation with someone and tell them the truth. Like, to me, that was an example of sisterhood, you know, like that was her being a sister. And when I was writing my book, it was, it was like one of the, one of the tent poles of my book is like, I want all women to be fucking sisters to each other.

35:57You know, it's like, this book is for girls and daughters and girlfriends and mothers, you know, Like to remind each other, like you got to tell people the truth. You know, you've got to be honest with people. If someone's going through a bad time and they're close to you and they're important to you. And even for me as a woman, it doesn't matter if they're close to me. It matters that I'm a woman. You're a woman. I've got your back. I'm going to tell you the truth. And I would do that for a stranger. So for her to do that and I kind of like modeled that to me, that conversation. And I was like, that's the kind of woman I'm going to be.

36:31Like I'm going to tell people the truth, you know? So I value that. Obviously now we're many years beyond that and she and I are still friends and she knows about the book because she had to sign off on it. But yeah, like I liked it and I'm glad I had enough wherewithal when she was telling me about my bad behavior that I wasn't defensive. Wow. I wasn't like, it was this person or blame. I just took it on and said, you're absolutely right. I'm so sorry. you'll never have to speak to me again. So that was the closest thing to an intervention. But I've definitely overused drugs and alcohol at certain times in my life.

37:08But once I got the message, I dialed it back. You know, you got to some, I don't ever want to have to give anything up. So if there's ever an issue, I reel it in. You know, if there's ever been an issue, I always am like, okay, take a month off of this, get grounded again. And, you know, don't smoke cigarettes, don't smoke pot, don't drink, whatever it is that I'm having an issue with. Yeah. Yeah. Did you, what was the first concert that you ever went to? Do you remember going to that? John Bon Jovi. I'm from New Jersey. God, dude. My first song I ever heard, a lady took me to YMCA summer camp, right?

37:46I don't remember if she had breasts or not, but I think she did, right? And I remember. I bet she did have breasts. I bet she did. So she sounds like she had breasts. I bet she did. and I'll say this, we got in the car and I'd never had a woman drive me somewhere before so it was my first time I think I remember it so deeply because it was like my first time going somewhere with a girl that wasn't my mom, right? What do you mean you've never had a girl drive you? What are you from North Korea? What are you talking about? You had never been driven by her? I was a child. My mom didn't have any How old were you?

38:19I was probably 9 or something or maybe 11. It wasn't like last week or anything. Yeah, I was like 9 or 11, and she leaned over and she put my seatbelt on me, and I was like, oh, this is crazy, dude. And it was like, I think when you're a kid like that, and she played Johnny used to work on the docks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just was like, play it again, play it again. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I just, yeah. I've never been to Bon Jovi, but I just remember. John Bon Jovi inducted me into the Jersey Hall of Fame. No fucking way, dude. Yeah. Who has better hair, you think, right now? Pull him up. You or Jon Bon Jovi?

38:56You or JBJ? Oh, well, his hair is different now. Yeah, yeah, his hair is different now. But his face when he was younger, I mean, he's still pretty hot. But his face when he was younger was just fucking so hot. Look at him. Look how hot he is. Did you try to make a move on him or no? When I went to his concert. I mean, I was like 16 years. Whenever he inducted you. Oh, no, it was like a video message. It wasn't like we were together. It was during COVID. Yeah. So, no, I've met him, though. I've hung out with him. He's a nice guy. He's happily married. I try not to hit on married men, you know?

39:26Yeah. Just out of respect for marriage. I think that's important. What is, are you still dating a lot of brothers? I see you brought a brother here today. My black, this is my black lover. Am I still, no, I haven't, I haven't had a brother or boyfriend. Because I know that was a thing, you know? Well, yeah. Is that offensive to ask you too? I'm sorry. No, it's not offensive. I mean, I do. I like all men. It doesn't matter if they're black or brown or white or gray. I like old men. I like young men. I like black guys. I've never dated an Indian guy. That's pretty much the only thing area I haven't delved into.

40:00But Asian, Joe Coy was Asian. I think Joe Coy, you called Joe Coy once. Yes, and you gave me some advice actually. We were trying to figure out your poster for your Netflix special. And Joe Coy and I were in New York City, I think, and you called him. Thank you. Yeah. You know what? I forgot about that. I thought I remembered it before, but I forgot about it recently. But thank you for that. Yeah. I said, which one? And you said, this is the one because you want people to notice it and think about it. And you were right. That's the one I ended up doing. Oh, great. I love that. But that's, and that's probably the same thing I was kind of thinking about.

40:31I just wasn't sure. So thank you. Oh yeah. That was nice of you. Are you good friends with Joe Koi? We're good buddies. I think we're not like super close. We don't talk all the time, but he has, he's just always supportive. Yeah. Yeah. He's a real supportive guy. He's so full of supportive and Filipinos are like that. I'm not trying to generalize Filipinos, but first of all, Well, Filipinos are some of the last people that most people see when they're dying, right? Because they are hospice. They work in hospice. So a lot of times the last person you'll see when you die is a Filipino. So it's crazy.

41:02Some people might be racist, but then they're just gleaming into the eyes of a warm Filipino as they cross over. Filipinos are very good at caretaking. And our hospitals are filled with them. Thank God. Yeah, yeah. But Joe Coy typically isn't the last person you see when you die. No, that's fine. I don't want people to think that it's only Joe Coy. There are other Filipinos out there that you will run into. Yeah. Unless he starts working in a hospital. Which he could, though. He could. He stays busy. A lot of Filipinos, too, have good names like Sonny or Grace. You know? Yeah, yeah. They even get, like, a very happy American, like, branch of their name.

41:38That's true. Right. Yeah. I would love to be Filipino. I've said this before. I think if God is willing to let me do it again or whatever, I would like to do Filipino. Really? Yeah, I'd do Filipino or Mexican. What about – do you like – what is it about the food? Is it about the culture? Just the joy. Joy. I think the sheer just living – just like looking at a living fucking Easter every time you see a Filipino. They're just like – it's just like they just seem so good on the inside. And then Mexican, I just think I'm ready for it. I can see you being Mexican. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah.

42:13And then after that, I would go black. I would probably go black after that. I'm going to let it kind of pan out a little more. And then I would get over there and do that for sure. If they would have me, I think you almost have to like apply like. To be a Filipino or Mexican? To be black. They don't want everybody. Oh, no, no. Cat Williams is like, let's work a little bit particular about, you know, not particular, but don't just come over here without kind of talking to us about it first. No, I hear that. Yeah, I hear that. Did you hear them talking about black men? Is that why you're up? That's kind of what.

42:40Is that why you're up? That's kind of what he employed. Yeah. After having dated black men, what suggestions would you offer to white men? Is there any way to correlate any of that? Black men in general, and this is a generalization, seem to appreciate women like me more than white men. There seems to be a disconnect between strong, powerful white men and strong, powerful white women. There feels like I'm a lot of woman. I say what I want to say. I do what I want to do. And that, for some reason, threatens a lot of men. There's a certain type of men that don't like that. They think I'm too loud or I'm too brass.

43:22But I'm just acting like a man. You know, I'm not acting like anything. I'm acting like myself. And it's similar to what a man would do, which would be fine. And there's something about black men that like that. They think that's cute. And they're turned on by my outrageousness or the fact that I don't give a fuck or that I want, you know, that I'll say the thing. And so I like that. So there doesn't feel like such an imbalance. There's definitely like a cultural thing where black men kind of it feels like they appreciate that kind of thing more. And so that's attractive, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

43:55As a woman, you want to be desired and you want men who want to have sex with you and are like turned on by your strength, not emasculated by your strength. You know, like my my strength shouldn't make you feel weak. It should make you feel strong. Right. That's how I think. Like, I want men to feel strong around me, not weak. Right. Right. Like, look at my strong woman here. Yeah. Look, I'm look how strong I have a strong woman. That means I'm a strong man, that I'm confident that I have my ego in check. But there's a lot of men that think they want a woman like that is outspoken and sure of herself and successful.

44:33But then when it comes down to it, they have a lot of hard time. They have a hard time with it because I think in my experience with men, when they realize that you don't need really anything from like I don't need your money. I don't need your gifts. I don't want gifts. I don't want jewelry. I'm not like that. I'm not interested in that stuff. Yeah, I don't want to pretend I like something you got me. Yeah, I'm not interested in like that kind of showiness. I don't need, I don't really need anything except I want a decent, honest, good man who's not, doesn't have a huge ego that can deal with the fact that I'm going to be in the public eye and that I'm going to get attention.

45:10Like I want someone who can deal with that. So a lot of men think that they're down for that. And then when it comes down to it, they're not down. Yeah. Yeah. Dang. yeah that seems like a lot do you have a girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend right now I would like to get married you know next couple years I gotta get fucking married because really? yeah it just gets weird I think

45:35gets a little weird as a comic or as a man? I think when people are like what are you still doing? what do you do? how old are you? I'm 44 so it gets weird for a couple reasons for one it gets weird that well you have neat things that have happened in your life even if it's just like a nice day or something. And then at the end of the day, it's just you again, right? Which is okay. But some of you, it's like, oh, well, this would be cool if I had somebody to share it with, right? So that's one thing that I start to notice. The second thing is, yeah, it's like, do I want to have children? Why? And then if I do, why do I want to have children?

46:10Why do you want to have children? That's the best question is, yeah, why do I want to? I think I fear sometimes like maybe I would be missing out on some like another almost like a not a drug trip in a way but another like level a bit of another level maybe. But also like I have a big imagination and I got a couple fucking levels going on here. I have today I feel like you know there's times I feel like a kid and an adult at the same time. So it's like you know maybe I got enough of that and being an uncle is fine you know. I don't know but those are kind of some things that I think about it. And then, yeah, if I could take care of and help provide for kids in a healthy way and give kids a good life, then do I owe that to society?

46:54Do I owe that to myself? Or do I owe that to them? You know, that's stuff that I think about, I think. Interesting. Yeah, that reminds me of like I had this conversation with someone the other night. Oh, yeah. I had this shoulder infection. So I had this. I'm going to move this down just a minute. Yeah. I just had this PICC line in my arm where I had to get these like 24 hours. Every 24 hours I had to get an infusion in my arm. And I had this Filipino nurse, male nurse, who was coming to my house to give me these injections. Right. And so I was in kind of a bad, bad shape for Rocky or something like that.

47:27I'm not that Rocky is the man. But go on. Sorry. Yeah. No, I don't know if his name was Rocky, but he said to me, he said to me on our last visit, he said, hey, I just want to let you know, you seem like a really joyful, energetic person. and I almost had a near-death experience as well. I didn't even know that I had had a near-death experience. I had an infection. I had to get surgery on my shoulder for this like staph infection or something that I had. And I didn't consider it a near-death experience. But he said I almost had a near-death experience too and I was almost in a car accident. And I don't like when people say stuff like almost in a car accident.

48:05Either you were or you weren't. And if you weren't, don't fucking bring it up. You know, like almost is nothing. So the guy was like, oh. Like when it's almost my birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or your half birthday. I honestly don't want to hear about that. So he said these two cars were like coming close to each other and they were like careening towards each other and that they were going to hit. And he – at the last minute, the cars just – by an act of God or providence, the cars split open and they both moved in different directions. And he goes, it didn't make any sense and I was okay. And I'm like, so again, you were not in a car accident.

48:38But he said, he said, because of that moment, I started to believe in divine intervention and I found Jesus. And I'm looking at this guy. I'm in my bed in my house. Right. You know, I'm on it. I've got a fucking arm. I'm a mess. And he said, and I feel like I never experienced. There was a level of joy that I had never experienced before I found Jesus. And to me, it seems to me like you would appreciate that level of joy. and it took me a minute to realize I was being pitched, you know, in my house about religion. And then I had to tell him like, oh, oh, oh, I just want you to know I have already accepted that the level of joy associated with finding Jesus is something I will never experience.

49:25Like I've already accepted that. My joyful is already tapped out. This is as high as I'm going to go. I'm not going to break the ceiling. So, but that's in relation to you talking about children and knowing that there might be a feeling you might not experience without having them, which is something I deal with all the time. Cause I'm, I don't have children and people like to go out at me for that. Like I'm, you're a woman. How could you do that? It's like, how could I do it? Cause I don't think I'd be that good at it, but it's definitely something that I've learned to accept. Like when you say that I've also accepted, yes, I won't know that joy.

49:59There are other joys that I've experienced, but I will not know the joy of being a mother. So I can relate to what you're saying about the thought of thinking about that joy. Yeah. And there's certain things that I like. And then it's like, yeah, like a lot of my life is always always about me. I think with comedians, you get like that, you know, that's why you end up in comedy because you're kind of the boss and the employee, you know, you're going on stage with a microphone alone. So no one else can talk except for you. and no one else is responsible for it except for you it's like i don't want i want to be responsible for myself i just i never could i you know i think it goes back to just that being in a place where it was like what am i doing here i don't even have an employee id there's no fucking hours on the wall there's no wage union i have to be here every day this family didn't even make any fucking sense who would put this together can i talk to the boss there is no boss who's the superior if but i had to it was like so i never wanted anything to have any like jurisdiction over me except for me right but then sometimes for me like it starts to be like well how much of that is like old stuff that i had and how much of which has served me well because it helps me be self-motivated and um but it's it's been hard for me to like work with others and so that's been like a learning curve but yeah at a certain point does that kind of hinder me or has has have i had gotten other neat joys out of the world, like getting to experience like, you know, people coming out to a big show or something like that.

51:22And maybe those are the joys that I'll get instead of having a family, you know, not in a bad way. Yeah. And just trying to gauge, like, could I do it? Do I think I would do it well? And being honest with yourself. It's interesting to talk about not having a boss because that's my whole career, too. Like, I don't. Oh, yeah. You seemed. I don't really appreciate being told what to do by anyone. You know, I'm also not interested in the feedback. It's like if it's not working for you, that's fine. you don't have to pay attention to what I'm doing. It's working for me. Like I'm having a blast. So, but it's interesting when you say that, because it is true when you, when you are in this business and you are a comedian, like if I hadn't taken the path of becoming a standup comedian, everything starts to be created around you rather than you being placed in a role.

52:02And you're a person in a cast, you become the epicenter of all the stories, you know, whether it's your podcast, you're writing books or you're doing standup or any of these things. it's like you're a one man show and I think there's a lot of power in that and it's nice to be able to also do the other thing and work with other people and play nicely but it's much more attractive to be your own decision maker you know it's much more attractive to be your own entity I think well comedy was something that was pure to me there was a lot I think I didn't trust in the world I didn't trust this I didn't know about any of that but if comedy if you could fucking put an arrow through sometimes and get people to laugh Even people that didn't like you, if they were angry, people that fucking, they might have been your parents and fucking hated you.

52:44But if you could fucking snipe them with an arrow, just to get them, even in all their discomfort or whatever, to get them to fucking laugh. It felt like, oh, that's the only thing that's, to me, it just felt so real. And nobody could cheat it. Nobody's dad could put them on stage and say, oh, I'm famous. My son is going to be great. You know, it was like there wasn't any nepotism in it. I don't know. No, I hear you. I don't know. I'm not trying to like get any Debbie down or shit, but yeah, I don't know. That's kind of why I think I ended up in this place. But, but it also changes like, you know, as your career grows and evolves and like you're 44, you've been doing this for what?

53:1920 years more. Yeah. 20. Yeah. Like things change over time and then you start to realize, okay, there's another itch I want to scratch. There's another thing I want to do. Like, and you, excuse me. I come here, Dougie. Come over here. Come here, honey. It's so funny. we have two dogs in here today. Both Chows. I used to live with a Chow in Arizona for a bit. That's so funny that, yeah, what color was that other Chow? Oh, and this was a Chinese guy who was a roommate or was a guy who was already living in the room when I got there. No, the one that came today. What color was it? that one was brown, light brown.

53:53Yeah, you're a big black baby. They said, when I got this Chow, they're like, I called the Chow Rescue. One of my dogs was going downhill so I was like, it's time to regroup and, you know, buckle up so that when this dog dies I have a new dog. Oh, is that the dog that was here? Yep. Oh, that's a Chow Mix, right? Yeah, that's a Chow Main, I think it's called or something. A Chow Main. Oh, look at that little baby in the middle. That's Hassan Piker right there, dude. Fascinating guy. Kaya, that's that dog's name. It's its birthday today, too. Happy birthday to that dog, then. I don't remember what we were talking about.

54:27That's okay. Yeah. Do you think, oh, this is one more question I had about how comedians feel and stuff. Do you think like it's hard for comedians to be like, like accept, like I have a tough time sometimes accepting compliments from people. Did you ever feel like that? Yeah, totally. Do you have any insight like on what that kind of is? I think comedians are really insecure by nature. You know what I mean? Why else would we have to get on stage with microphones, you know, alone? Like what's that about? Most people who are secure don't feel the need. So I think we're insecure by nature. And I think it's our job to kind of hone that insecurity into something more dynamic, right?

55:08Because that's how it begins. So I think when you're insecure like that, you're uncomfortable with any sort of adulation. You want it, but you don't necessarily want to hear it to your face. You like to read it. Like I love to read a review of my book. I'd rather that than someone tell me how much it meant to them. Do you know what I mean? So I have that same thing. I get slightly uncomfortable when I get too much adulation in person. It's like, okay, when is this going to end? Like, thank you so much. And I want to be sincere and present, but I also sometimes check out. But it doesn't make any sense because that's what we're all here for is adulation.

55:40We all want the attention. So I think I just – now I have this thing where, like, it's not about you. It's about listening to that person. It's about giving time to the person whose life that you impacted, who has something nice to say to you. Because think about how hard it is for that person to come – like, I would never come up to a celebrity and be like, I saw you in, you know, whatever movie and you changed my life. Like I wouldn't even bother that person. So when you think about what it takes for someone to say those things to you, when they're not creepy and they're not weird and they're not like, you know, threatening in any way.

56:12And they're not wet. People are wet. That scares you. You want to give them the time. And so I think about it that way so that I'm a little bit more gracious than, you know. Yeah. Then just being still stuck in yourself, even after you're getting adulation is still about well how do I feel about adulation it's almost like an ego trap in a weird way kind of like because even though I'm getting it like it's like it's nice to get adulation from somebody or somebody saying thank you or something and then I'm wondering oh well it makes me feel like like at that point who gives a fuck really how it makes you feel kind of like yeah you can exactly have your boundaries and stuff right but imagine yeah if you somebody must really care if they went over to say something or they wanted to share that yeah and it's really not yeah you have to like I feel like there's a responsibility once you become a public person you know like i love the stuff that chapel ron is saying about like leave me alone you don't have the right to touch me it's all true you don't you don't have that i mean and if it bothers you it bothers you i don't give a shit you know if people come up to me in a restaurant i give a shit if people come up to me when i'm at i give a shit if someone waves they're rude and they wave over like come over here like when i'm sitting out down to dinner with friends or family in some fucking jackass it's like hey Chelsea, come over here.

57:20It's like, no, no, no, you, some Italian or something coming over to you. You, I don't even know you, but when people are really sweet about it, yeah. Like I do, I do feel a sense of responsibility also to be, I want to, I want people to feel good after they see me, you know what I mean? So it's not so much a struggle. I totally get what you're saying, but I think it's not a struggle so much as a, let them say their piece and let them say something nice they're gonna feel great after they say it like oh wow i did it you know so i tried to just think about them yeah yeah no it's just a good it's a good reminder it's a good reminder of that um so the feeling you're special it's like um i only watched like 32 minutes of it but um what is the feeling kind of like or do i have to wait to the end to get to know what it is uh well if you didn't see what the feeling was then you didn't see the whole the feeling is about i mean a lot of the feeling is so that i've seen so far it seems to be about feminal feminal masturbation.

58:16Well, feminal masturbation. Is that a new word? Feminal? It's about childhood masturbation. We used to call it the feeling when we would rub up against like swing set poles and corners of walls. We would use furniture, ladles. We were really into masturbating, me and a group of my girlfriends when we were nine and discovered our Pikachus. So we would, and it wasn't like, it wasn't like adult masturbation. You're not actually touching anything directly. You're basically rubbing your hands over material. Like the thicker the material, the better the traction. So it's like, you know, jeans, a thick corduroy burlap would be a great option.

58:56A corner of a wall. You want something that is going to give you the traction you need. And, and then, but how carried away I got as a child, once I found out about the feeling and about a fucking clitoris, how I went bonkers with it. And I was masturbating in school, getting the feeling, rubbing pencils. I mean, whatever I could get, rulers. I mean, I had anything I could, I would just overdo it. Just rub it against your body? So the feeling, yeah. Can I say that? We're talking about it. Yeah, yeah, you can say that. Of course, I'm the one talking about it. Okay. And yeah, it was, so that's where the feeling comes from.

59:31Got it. Just basically childhood exploration. Oh, the part with the ladle took, I was like, what is happening here? yeah there's a lot of like there's a lot of use of masturbation to get through time of moments maybe like when people masturbate Thanksgiving dinner I was like this is gonna suck I'm fucking nine no one is coming to me for my global opinions or world affairs no one gives a shit about my you know like I'm here with my family they suck I already established that they sucked so I took a ladle and brought it to my Thanksgiving dinner and then I got carried away And the next thing I know, I was dripping, sweating like a rapist at my family dinner and my mom asking me to stop.

1:00:13And that that's something that I needed to do in the privacy of my own room. But up until that point, no one had called me out because I grew up at a time where no one was going to say, hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pervert. Oh, people weren't saying that. No, no one was saying it. So I thought no one even knew what I was doing. So that's why I'd be like I'd see a book and I'd be like rubbing up against, you know, like while I would be talking to my father, I'd put like my ass behind an ottoman and think I was disguising it. Are you there, pussy? It's me, Chelsea. Are you there, pussy? It's me, Chelsea.

1:00:41And my family was just basically totally aware but also disgusted and horrified so that they didn't even say anything until it became unmanageable. Oh, yeah. If you see a child rubbing up on something – well, I guess if you have six other children, who gives a fuck what the last one is doing most of the time? Probably, yeah. But, yeah, I think it's hard to approach them even probably. You know, maybe now you could text them and say, you know, calm it down. Get your hand out of your pants. Yeah, or calm it down. Yeah, yeah. We're at a pizza hut. Yeah. I mean, I used to masturbate so much as a kid that my calves would be sore because I would be face down on the carpet, rubbing my Pikachu over my denim jeans, and then my calves would kick out and would be flexing, you know?

1:01:24And so I would have – I mean, I had very, very strong calves growing up.

1:01:31Wow, dude. That's bonkers, man. Yeah, but jerking off was fun, wasn't it? And I love how in this special, you call it jerking off. I hadn't heard a woman refer to it as that before. Really? Yeah, I'd never heard a woman say jerking off before. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was just kind of. Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess it was jerking off because you are climaxing technically. And it's the same thing as when you're an adult. You know when you climax as an adult, you're like, ugh, you're kind of grossed out. Oh, gross. Top it. Get off of me. Get away from me. And then like, you know, you give it like two, three minutes and you're ready to go again.

1:02:03You're like, oh, come back here. You know, get me that wall. Damn. I'm not a go again. I'm a, I'm more of like, you know, a lot of people are up by the front lines with the machine guns or whatever. I'm the cannon that comes in in the back. It shoots once. And that's it. Yeah. And then you're wrapped. And then it's like, yeah, neat, neat, down for repair or whatever. Like that's me. So two. So how long do you, I mean, how long can you have sex for? Oh, I don't know. about that five minutes ten minutes one minute let me think about the first one

1:02:37well the first time I mean no I mean five minutes I'm saying I mean yeah just don't yeah don't put me listen I don't think most people want to have sex for longer than that's my thing if anybody's having sex for four to the fuck are you you're some kind of like a mega you're some kind of like a cyborg or like who's like italians who was fucking for that long it's like that's crazy to me i want to get back to work i i well yeah i like fooling around i like men i like lots of different men but i also don't um want to get fucked for like 45 like i had a girlfriend who said to me this guy fucked me for 45 minutes and i went like i don't want to get fuck for 45 minutes.

1:03:17Thank you. I really don't want that. And I don't know many - Scream that for the ladies in the back. I don't know any women that do. So I don't know what that's about. I mean, like, talk about your pussy, like, not being able to handle a situation. That's too much. Yeah, that's like the Daytona 500. It's like, how much - Is that like the Goodyear pussy? I just don't want to - Yeah, it's like, I just get - I kind of, honestly - Get bored. I get bored. You almost said it, so I'm just going to finish it for you. Fuck. What does that mean? Is that bad, though? It means that you haven't had the right pussy yet, I don't think.

1:03:47But it doesn't mean that you're going to last longer. It's okay not to last. Five minutes is not a big deal. That's fine. But some guys like to go again and again and again. Like I would, someone stated a guy. Is that cool or that's crazy? Well, it's kind of nice to be able to get a, it's kind of nice as a woman to have a guy that's, because that means they're just, you interpret that as they're so attracted to you that they can just get hard every five minutes. Yeah. And while that can also seem like onerous, you're like, oh, I don't have the capacity. First of all, your vagina needs to retract after sex.

1:04:18Like it has to recover. Well, yeah. I mean, it's open and then it's closed. So it kind of has to, you know, there's a healing process. Yeah. Good. Especially if you have a really big penis. Good. Okay. So that's for your listeners. Yeah. I think a lot of people are wondering, yeah, what's an appropriate amount of time? Because you also, it's like, you hear these people like, let's fuck all night or whatever. and you're like, get, get, do not even knock on my door if we're fucking all night. I don't want anybody at my house doing anything all night. I don't want anybody even being awake in my house all night.

1:04:47Yeah. And I mean, it's, it's, I've had sex with men that where it's a one nighter thing and you have sex a bunch of times in one night and that's fun, but that's like a one night stand. That's not like what you're going to do with your husband. Right. Like, unless you're taking ecstasy and then you have sex and it never ends. And then you could fall asleep during sex, wake back up and be like, is this still fucking happening? Like, are we still having sex? I mean, God, when is this going to be overcome already? That's a Catholic sleepover right there, I think they call it. But girls are always trying to make guys come before they're ready to come anyway.

1:05:19Oh, girls are trying to do that. Yeah. Like, most women are trying to get it over with because five minutes is plenty of time. Yeah, it's good. So, like, a lot of guys, you know, you're like, oh, you know, you're just saying things to make them come so that it's over. Yeah. And you're lying, basically, you know, like you're so fucking hot. This feels so fucking good. I can't take it. Yeah. Come somewhere. Come all over my face. And then they try to come on your face. You're like, actually, I didn't mean that. Come on the fucking drapes. You know, like I wasn't serious about coming on my face. Come on this cum plant.

1:05:48I was just telling you to cum. So, cum. I was at a girl's place one time and she had a plant that guys would cum on. And it was doing pretty well. I don't know if it was a pear. How small is a pear plant? Bring up a small one real quick. I think it was pear. Wow. But it's kind of cool. And so everyone would just fuck her and then come in the plant? Maybe once a year. I mean, I don't know if people were doing it monthly or how often. Once a year? It only needed to come once a year, the plant? I mean, I have no clue what it's also like a supplement schedule was. But I do know that, yeah, young pear.

1:06:24Oh, no, it's something smaller. It was an indoors house plant. So that's not it. I can't remember. But yeah, it is fascinating the amount of time that there's – I think there is some miscommunication there about how long people want it to go on. Yeah, yeah. There's a definite misfire. It's not fair to men because men – first of all, you don't have to have a huge penis. Nobody cares about that. I mean you don't want like a Vienna sausage. That's disappointing and it sucks. But – Do they have those really? Yeah, I've had sex with guys with little tiny penises. It's happened to me a couple times actually.

1:06:51And what do you do in that instance? Do you – it's almost like a delicacy or not a – it's like a – No, it's the opposite of a delicacy. You want it to be over and you want them to go away. I've had sex with somebody who I didn't even know we were having sex and he came. And I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe how small your penis is. You know, obviously I wasn't going to have sex with that person again. But men's penises don't need to be huge. They just need to be hard. That's great. When a guy gets hard and that's fun and it's a decent size, it doesn't have to be massive. And it can be like – and it doesn't have to go on forever.

1:07:24So, yes, men who are listening, I'm sure there are all tons of men listening. So I hope that assuages the male ego a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what we need to hear. This is coming from a woman who's had sex with lots of men. Yeah. Did you keep tabs on the men that you slept with, do you think? I mean, I ran out of that. I don't have time for that anymore because that's a long list. Did you ever do like a little gift basket or some celebrities? Like if you make love to somebody, you give them a little gift or something? No, I don't. I mean, unless we're talking about STDs, I have never given a real gift to someone.

1:07:56No, I don't know. I don't. I haven't given a gift. No, I haven't had sex with a lot of celebrities either. I mean, I know you're saying I'm the celebrity, but still like I also like regular guys. You know, it's two celebrities together can be a little bit of a hot mess. Was it harder to date and stuff once you became once you had fame in your life, popularity in your life? It's not hard, but men are definitely like, you know, a little bit scared, turned off, intimidated, emasculated, that kind of vibe around me. Because it's hard to practice with somebody that's in it because there's not as many people that are popular.

1:08:31So it's hard to practice. It's like you don't get that world as much, you know? Yeah. I've been in lots of situations with men that were not celebrities or that were where we would be out or we'd be flirting for a while and then we'd go home and they couldn't perform. That's happened to me a lot to the point where I was like, what is wrong with me? And then you realize that happens to a lot of guys. There's a lot of performance anxiety. And I know that because I've dated men who've had that. So that's a real thing. So women also can't take that personally. It's not about that. But it is worth like being honest about it.

1:09:06Like, sorry, you know, I barely know you or I'm a little like this is our first time. Like it's good to kind of communicate that stuff so that everyone doesn't feel like weird. Yeah. You know, because then you have like an ick feeling. Then it's just this weird thing. Nobody ever said anything. Yeah. And these days, a lot of stuff so common. It's like everybody's talked about everything now. So it's like I think having certain conversations are a lot more the norm than even than they were like 20 years ago. So, you know, I remember I couldn't get an erection at some girl's place and it was like 3.30 in the morning or something.

1:09:34And I told her I had to go to swim practice or whatever. And it was early. Swim practice was at like five or whatever. And she's like, for what team? Whatever. I was like 28. I was fucking couldn't answer or whatever. Yeah. You know, just a bad idea. I have to go to swim team or whatever. Oh, you told her that you had to go to swim team? I was going to swim team practice early. My coach gets pissed. I'm like, what swim team are you on? Oh, yeah. You didn't know because you weren't on one. I wasn't in school or whatever, you know. Yeah. So just sometimes you say shit like that. I got to get home to let my dog out is a good one.

1:10:02I once left a guy's house once I felt his penis and realized it wasn't going to work. I once told a guy that I had to get my Invisalign out of my car, that I wouldn't be able to sleep without my Invisalign. And then I left and never came back. And so I've done things like that, too, to get out of a bad situation or a situation that's not going to be fruitful. Right. And not only just for you, but for them also. It's like, why create? why spend more time creating something that's just going to be uncomfortable, you know? That's true. But I'm sure when you get left in the dust, like we all, I mean, everyone's experienced that at some point.

1:10:35It does not, it does not feel good. Yeah. If someone comes, you take a chick back to your house and she leaves right as you get naked, that can't feel good. You know what I mean? I was on a date with this guy in London once and - I like London, don't you? I love London. It's my favorite. And I was on a date with this guy in London and we had a great date. I had been talking to him like on Raya or one of those apps before I went out there. And he was hot. And we went out to dinner. We had a great dinner. And I was like, oh, this is going great. I'm like, do you want some, you know, mushrooms? And he had talked about mushrooms.

1:11:08So, like, I thought we were both into it. And he's like, yeah, I would love some. And we get back to my house. And he – I would get back to my hotel. And he's just dripping, sweating. Like, and I'm like, are you – and he just looked like he was about to throw up. And he's like, I think I'm going to throw up. And I'm like, oh, my God, are you – he's like, I'm fucking flying. and I was like, oh my God, I felt like Bill Cosby. You know, like I drugged this man. And I go, oh my God. And then he had to take a walk outside. I go, yeah, go take a walk. And I'm texting. Take a walk. I go, go take a walk.

1:11:38You need a fresh air. I go, go take a walk. And he came back like 20 minutes later. He's like, I'm sorry, but I have to go home. Like I'm fucking hallucinating and I'm sitting there on shrooms too, but I'm fine. And I'm like, oh my God, I just drugged my date. Like, and I was telling my girlfriends the next day and they're like, why would you ever give mushrooms to someone after you fucking went out to dinner like that is not exotic or like erotic or anything it's like that's a party drug to fucking laugh like it's not seductive and you fucking made the guy sick to his stomach and i was like yeah no more drugs on first dates you know no more yeah mushrooms are crazy dude i remember taking them one time and some girl's like let me see she didn't even want to make out or she's like let me see your weird dick or whatever and i was like because I guess like she was really getting the swirls you know she's like let me see your weird dick I was like fucking all right you know but yeah that can be kind of a just a tough idea and then yeah it's just weird to touch somebody and hug somebody and then yeah like that can be but it is fun to sit around and laugh or something on some mushroom that's that's a lot of fun yeah mushrooms aren't a very sexual drug so like you that you know that was stupid yeah yeah but sometimes sometimes having a like enjoying time with somebody's fucking nice too and not feeling the pressure like you gotta make like yeah yeah you gotta have sex exactly so that's the that's the problem with that too especially on a night where you're you know yeah it's better to do that with someone you've gotten to know a little bit rather than like a first excursion yeah did you um i have one more question oh did you ever meet bill cosby i did meet bill cosby before he was um before he got that's in the special the part that you didn't see oh it is is it really it is yes and um i yes what was it like whenever you met him it was disappointing really but he uh yeah He was an asshole.

1:13:20He was an asshole because there was a guy opening for me. And we were in Atlantic City. And he basically went off on that. First of all, I showed up to his hotel room at 3 o 'clock in the afternoon. The casino manager said, hey, Bill Cosby wants to meet you because he was going to rape me. And I didn't know that at the time. I didn't know about Bill Cosby. This was before all of that came out. Because he would do afternoon rapes or whatever? Yeah, he would have women come up to his hotel room, give him pro-hypnol, and then fuck them. And they would be out of it. But I showed up with my security guard and my opener, who was a man, Chris Frangiolla.

1:13:50And he and I walked into the room. And when Bill Cosby realized I had two guys with me, his mood just was like, fuck off. And he basically read the guy telling him he was never going to amount to anything opening for me as a comedian, opening for a woman. And I'm like, this doesn't seem like he's in a good mood or like we should take this shit. and then later I found out you know everything's broke and we found out Bill Cosby was drugging hundreds of women he would come summon them to his hotel room give them like some barbiturate the same pattern that happened with you? Rohypnol but he never gave that to me and my sister after that happened she was like well now we know why Bill Cosby was such an asshole that day and I was like little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn't have put a fucking dent in me I know so the unrapeable That's right.

1:14:44What about Michael Jackson? I'm just trying to think. I ask everybody. I saw Macaulay Culkin the other night, and I wish I could have heard what he was saying to me because he was thanking me for something. And I don't remember ever interacting with Macaulay Culkin. But he kept going on and on and saying, thank you so much, Chelsea. Thank you so much. And it was so loud at the party that I don't know what he said. Was that an Oscars party? Yeah. It was a Gaio series after party. But I was wondering if it had anything to do with Michael Jackson. And I'm like, I wonder if I forgot that I did something about Michael Jackson.

1:15:11I probably did. I probably did a whole thing about Michael Jackson at some point. But I don't know. Was Michael Jackson raping kids or was he a kid wanting to hang out with other kids? It's very murky. Like I don't want to give him any credit, but it's like he didn't seem like somebody was having sex with anybody. He seemed like somebody who was like stunted. You know what I mean? Like a little kid. Oh, I don't think that. I think that was definitely part of his psychology that he was just like, yeah, like a seven-year-old that grew up and got super famous and also had sexuality going on inside him.

1:15:41At the same time, I don't know how all that comes out and maybe some of it was criminal, maybe some of it wasn't. I don't know. But no, I'm just curious as to who gets to run across certain people like in celebrity circles and stuff.

1:15:55But I'm trying to think of anything else. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about specifically, Chelsea? I don't think so. I think we're good. Yeah. Yeah. I think we're good, too. I think you can tell. Oh, you know, I'll tell your male listeners, too. If you want your daughter. Oh, he loves you. Look at that. Oh, that's nice of him. Thank you. If you want to get a good gift for your girlfriend's wives or daughters, get I'll Have What She's Having. That's my book that's just debuted at number one. I'm happy about that. My special is called The Feeling. It's on Netflix. And, yeah, those are my two projects right now.

1:16:26Yeah, congratulations. And, yeah, just thanks for coming and spending time with us today. Yeah, it's just, you get it done. And it's impressive to witness. And it's just, yeah, I feel lucky that you came and spent time with us today. Thank you. Thank you very much, Chelsea. Thank you. Thanks, Theo. You bet. Now I'm just floating on the breeze. And I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it in my bones But it's gonna take...