#626 - Baby Me - This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von: Summary & Transcript

In short

Podcast Notes: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von - Episode #626: Baby Me

Episode Overview In this solo episode, Theo Von reflects on Thanksgiving, shares his thoughts on gratitude, discusses various small pleasures in life, and responds to listeners' voicemails. The episode also features an exciting life update from Riley Mau.

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Key Themes and Discussions

Thanksgiving Reflections

Acknowledgment of Native Americans: Theo addresses the historical injustices faced by indigenous peoples during Thanksgiving, expressing a desire to honor their experiences.
Gratitude: Theo shares what he is thankful for as the year comes to a close, including a successful charity auction that raised $40,000 for Cumberland Heights, a rehabilitation center.

Humor and Food

Love for Garlic Bread: Theo humorously expresses his passion for garlic bread, emphasizing its importance during Thanksgiving and beyond.
Conspiracy Theories: He reflects on the prevalence of conspiracy theories in society and the importance of focusing on tangible, real-life experiences.

Small Pleasures in Life

Theo shares a list of small, enjoyable life moments

Accidentally touching someone’s leg in a dark movie theater.
The experience of petting a cat and the humorous tension that can arise.
Showing up for a loved one and the joy it brings.
Fun experiences like calling the police on neighbors for amusement.

Life Update from Riley Mau

Exciting News: Riley announces that he is expecting a child, revealing that he and his partner are having a baby boy.
Discussion on Parenthood: Theo and Riley discuss the emotions surrounding impending fatherhood, including fears and hopes for the future.

Voicemail Interactions

Listener Gratitude: Theo plays a voicemail from a listener who shares their struggles but expresses hope and gratitude for the podcast.
Family Dynamics: Another voicemail reveals a listener's strained relationship with their family during the holidays, prompting a discussion about the importance of connection and self-reflection.

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Key Takeaways

The Importance of Connection: Theo emphasizes the value of familial and social connections, especially during the holidays.
Living in the Present: He encourages focusing on real, immediate experiences rather than getting caught up in conspiracy theories or negative thoughts.
Gratitude and Reflection: The episode serves as a reminder to reflect on the small joys in life and to express gratitude for what we have.
Anticipation of New Life: The announcement of Riley's baby signifies hope and new beginnings, highlighting the joys and challenges of parenthood.

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Closing Thoughts Theo Von closes the episode with a heartfelt message of thanks to his listeners, encouraging them to be good to themselves and cherish their loved ones during the holiday season. He expresses a desire to continue growing alongside his audience as they navigate life's ups and downs together.

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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00At Sierra, discover joyous deals on great gifts for everyone on your list. like cozy slippers, ski gear, fishing poles, bikes, large kayaks, even larger canoes, which might lead to another discovery.

0:19Wrapping gifts is the only sport you need to stay fit this season. Tis the season to discover great gifts at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. I want to say that we have new collegiate gang gang hoodies that have just dropped two new colorways. Plus stuff from the Return of the Rat tour. If you missed merchandise out there on that tour, I think we still have some remaining that's available there. All of that at TheoVonStore.com. And thank you guys for all of the support. Love y 'all. All right.

0:58oh here we are here we are thanksgiving it's thanksgiving time it's uh seasonal i want to wish a happy thanksgiving to everyone i know there are some people out there that are not probably ecstatic about it and i'm going to say who it is really fast so it's not I don't want there to be the elephant in the room or whatever, but Native Americans. And I know that everything that happened with the beautiful indigenous people, the original people of this land. and I know that if you know that the things that happened to them were not fair and that's that but and not that that's not that that's not that but yeah anyway I don't know why I brought it up I just I feel weird if you're saying happy Thanksgiving and then somebody's indigenous and they're like well so I just wanted to honor those people and say look you know, our bed or whatever.

2:18I didn't do it. Somebody did it. And, um, and I hope we catch them. I'll tell you this. If we ever get a time machine to go back in time and catch the people that are coming here, I will enlist. I will go. I will be happy to go. Um, but yeah, we just have We have to live where we are, and the country is, you know, all of existence is kind of stacked on sin. Excuse me. Yeah, the history of time is just stacked on sin, right? Things get stacked on sin over time, and that's, you know, in mistakes and accidents and let's eat. That's where we're at. So anyway, it's the time of year to finally sit down with people and eat and get you a little something.

3:09I like to stare somebody right in the eyes and say, pass that big cut. Pass that sweet potato souffle. I want that. Pass that fucking garlic bread. God, don't you want some garlic bread right now?

3:31This goes out to just anybody right now, anybody anywhere. I don't care if you are incarcerated. I don't care if you're working a double. I don't care if you're in a coma, but somebody put some headphones on you. Don't you want some garlic bread? God, I want that. Dude, I love garlic bread. and even if people make it like bad I like bad garlic bread sometimes you go to a restaurant and they have the fascia or whatever I don't give a fuck about the fascia I want garlic ass bread I don't care if somebody I don't care if it's some bitch and uh she just has a you know even if she just has a spoon and she puts a little just like some trap house cook she just has a spoon with a little bit of bread in it puts a little butter on it little garlic and then just cooks it with a lighter under the spoon like that I don't care if she you know and then she puts that shit in a crack pipe and we smoke it dude all I'm saying is bro garlic bread is so good underrated it's the bacon of breads I'll go ahead and say that shit is fire but I do want to say happy Thanksgiving everybody I want to say thank you to everybody that bid in the charity jersey auction.

5:00We had a series of jerseys that were given to us in certain cities along the last comedy tour. And we got to auction all those off. And we raised about$40 ,000 for a local rehabilitation place called Cumberland Heights. And that's going to go towards helping people get recovery. helping subsidize the recovery costs for people. So thank you so much. If you even listen to this podcast, or if you have and you're like, I feel like I haven't done anything this year. You were a part of this. So that's on behalf of us that we make that donation. And then we all made a donation last week to the Gary Sinise Foundation.

5:45So that was really great. So if, yeah, I just want everybody out there to feel like we're doing that sort of thing together. and yeah, that's how I feel about it. So thank you. You know, what a blessing to know that people are gonna be able to get some help. What have I been thinking about? You know, it's, you know, it's, there's, you know, it's just, it's a wild time in the world and it feels like it's happened fast, you know, just a wild time. and it's like who are we and where are we going what does the future look like and I think it's times like this I'm realizing you kind of have to just lock back into like things are most important you know because if you get caught up in a lot of the info it gets gets kind of you know you're sitting there at Thanksgiving you're staring across the table at somebody.

6:47And they're just like, do you want the baked beans? And you're like, I think I know who killed Charlie Kirk. There was a second shooter. There was 12 Israeli cell phones. Just, you know, it can get deep. You got to be careful there. Somebody's like, do you want the baked beans? And you're like, not if you think we fucking landed on the moon, I don't. i'm like okay all right get your own sides then um yeah there's just it's just a lot there's some there's a lot of conspiracies out there and and they're not even conspiracies a lot of them anymore they're all coming true and so you know as we go it is this wild time where we're kind of going through this it feels like this awakening where you know i mentioned it on joe rogan's show where it was like, you know, the video game and like, there's the, there, you know, there's like, uh, Mario or, um, link or, um, and suddenly like you're, you're playing with the character, you're controlling them, but suddenly the character just comes over to the front of the screen and just looks right at you.

7:59And it's like, Hey, who's controlling me? and that's when the controllers are like bullshit so that's just i feel like we're just in an interesting space there and i think instead of like i think there can be fear about it but also it can be excitement about it but no matter which which like which cup you're putting your straw in at the moment fear excitement i do believe that uh there is the fact that around the holidays ways or around any time that the one thing you have to lock into even more is things that are real, things that are tangible in your world, your family, your friends, familiarity, you know, connecting with people.

8:49And I wrote me a little list. We have some great calls that came in from people. I wrote me a little list here of things that I enjoy about life, some little things that I enjoy. And if you want to call in, we'll put some of these up next year. And they can just be brief things. And you can even text them as well. You can go to the website, Theovan.com, and there's a ways on there where you can contact the podcast. but some things that I like about life, small things. Accidentally touching someone's leg that you don't know very well. Now, it's weird. It's kind of weird how it happens. You might be sitting somewhere at a movie theater.

9:36You drop something. You drop a lip balm or you drop a couple grams or whatever. I don't know how you – I don't know. I don't, but I don't know what you do, but whatever. you drop some, you know, a couple of Funyuns or whatever. And you're like, oh, I'm getting those bitches. But it's dark in the theater. So you reach down there to get them and bam, you touch somebody's leg. You didn't really see it. And it's weird because you don't know them. They don't know, you all don't know each other. But you've touched their leg and that's weird and shit. But there's something unique about it. There's something very human about it.

10:18What else? petting a cat. If you're petting a cat and it strikes at you like that and you call it a little bitch, I like that. If you or ever somebody's like, oh, this is my cat. This is Cheryl or whatever. Or this is Aunt Cheryl. I had a friend, his cat was named Aunt Cheryl. I'm like, okay. So I'm not going to be friends with this guy too long. But he'd be like, oh, don't you want to pet Aunt Cheryl? And I'm like, And at first I was like, no, I do not want to. But he's like, he kept kind of giving me the, like, he kept like giving me like the, I guess the warm shoulder. He kept like wanting me to do it.

11:03You know, it's like, I guess that's called warm shouldering. What is cold shouldering? Cold. Oh, yeah. Intentionally cold or unsympathetic treatment. So, yeah, this guy was giving me more like he's kind of warm shouldering me and be like, oh, don't you know, don't you want to pet Aunt Cheryl? And I didn't want to pet. I didn't want to pet Aunt Cheryl. And then finally I was like, all right, I'll pet Aunt Cheryl. And I go to pet this cat. I pet one time. And I don't pet more than two times usually because if you do, if you keep doing that, you know what I'm saying? Somebody's going to fucking get active.

11:43if somebody's going to get activated in their body. So I pet one, and I go for the second pet, and the fucking cat, Aunt Cheryl, strikes me. Like that. And I'm like, this little bitch. And anyway, I don't like it when that happens, but I also do respect that it's a unique thing about life. And so I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the times that I get to pet a cat, and it strikes at me, and I call it a little bitch. that's something I like oh showing up for a loved one that's number three that's one thing I really really uh enjoy um showing up for a loved one that's important um making loud noises around your grandmother because she is hard of hearing and you can do that you can you know it's very rare you can be around someone and rattle off a loud slur, right?

12:41And it can be a racial slur. It can be non-racial if you want. I mean, we know which ones are more fun, but that can be exciting if the person can't hear, but you're right there with them because it's very rare you can do that. But that's something I'm grateful for. Burying something somewhere that no one will ever know about. And some people are like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? But go do it. Get you a shovel. Get you a trowel, which is just a little baby shovel. And they should just call it baby shovel. You know? And get something. Get a little something. Get an earring. Get a set of earrings.

13:27Get a

13:32little sack of underpants or whatever, whatever, get something, get a, uh, yeah, get a bag of hair, get us, you know, pair of earrings, get, um, you know, get a thing of, get a little, uh, just get something. You know what things are, get something, right? Get something and then go just bury it somewhere, bury it somewhere. Don't tell anybody. Always fun. Uh, calling the cops on someone. There's nothing more fun than that. People kind of poo-poo it or whatever. I love it. I used to live next door. I used to live under a guy over there on Claiborne Avenue in New Orleans, bro. And his family, they were Baltic or Russian or Europe.

14:21They was like, you know, they was, I don't know. You could hear some of the women kind of, it felt like there was some abuse up there sometimes. And they were heavy set. They had them big fatty calves, you know what I'm saying? Big fucking knees. I mean, God. Like, this dude had a spray WD-40 on his knees or whatever to get them bitches to go. You know, he just had them, God, baby, them leg knuckles, homie. This motherfucker was all knees. He had knees in his damn arms. He was just big bone like that. Anyway, I would call the police a lot. I'd be like, hey, they have a gun upstairs. That's what I would say.

14:57Did they have it? I don't know. But the police get their quit. If you say, oh, there's some guy with big knees upstairs who's causing a lot of shit, maybe abusing people. They don't come, dude. But you say that, you know, big dog up there, some fucking European construction worker up there has got that pew pew on him. Bam. 11 minutes they're over. And then I take off my shirt when I talk to the cops in the yard. That's where I'm from. And I think that's how you learn a lot about people. How do you talk to the cops in your front yard? Shirt on, shirt off. I'll go shirt off.

15:39But those are little things about life that are kind of exciting. Riley Mal. Yes, sir. What is something that you are kind of grateful for this year? A little thing in the world that, like, is there a moment or something in the world that makes you feel some gratitude? dude um yeah i mean you know i just uh there's there's a new new thing coming at the end of this year there's a new thing coming up yeah that i'm grateful for that you're grateful for and it's not here yet you're saying not yet and good to hear your voice brother have you been taking uh voice lessons or something you just sound more comfortable in your skin no just talking more okay and what is you're saying there's something on the way that's coming what is it or can you share it yeah yeah I've got a got a little baby coming along the way

16:45yeah dang you have a you have a baby coming I do. Oh, my gosh. Bro. Unreal, dude. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Oh, my gosh, bro. Dude, I remember when you hadn't even come out of your own nuts or whatever. Remember that? Yeah. Wow. And now you're like, I'll show them. Wow, dude. Dude, I'm going to make this skeet grow up. That's crazy, dude. Does everybody know about this? Yeah, we made a post about it. Man, I'm sorry, dude. I've really, I mean, it's selfish. I've been caught up in my own universe, I think. But man, I want to hear more about this. And is this with a woman that you are still involved with?

17:44Yes. Oh, wow. Wow. So cool, man. Well, okay. I want to get back to you on that. I'm going to finish out this list. Is there anything that you can think of outside of this future baby coming? And is it a male or female? Do you know? Have y 'all looked at it? It's a male.

18:06Amen, brother. God. God has got you, man. I want to we can even pray about it right now you care if we pray about it for a second yeah let's do it let's do it man

18:20God we just want to thank you today um you know in times where we're uncertain about things and where we it feels like it's tough to get a foothold that sometimes our sense of purpose wanes based on our society that you can remind us that there are important things in the world. God, we want to thank you so much for giving Riley a chance to be a father. You know, when I met Riley, he was barely, he hadn't even had any, I'm going to say it fast so it's not because we are in a prayer. he hadn't even had any semen come out of his body and here he is just serving blast sauce and just having it grow up into something beautiful and we want to lift this child up to you god before it's even here uh and what's the name of the child riley uh we haven't announced it yet okay god we want to lift up this unannounced child to you that at this point is still just a batch of semen and egg that you are helping cultivate and moisturize.

19:41And so we just want to lift that up to you, God, and say thank you for reminding us what is purposeful and that we can find purpose in family. Riley, amen. Amen. Do you feel like this has given you a sense of purpose, Riley? I do. Wow. I'm so excited for you, man. And I'm also just like, I mean, And that's what's important. That's what's important, man. I'm going to rattle off a few other things. If you can think of something small, Riley, we're going to get back to you and talk about this in a few seconds. Because we have questions that we're going to get to from the hotline. Some other things that people enjoy doing.

20:21Oh, on my list was getting engaged. That was one. That's a fun, beautiful thing where when you see that moment of somebody getting engaged, it really means something. Did that happen as well for you, Riley? Not yet. Okay. So you're having a child out of wedlock currently? Yeah. Okay. So we are stacking sin, brother. That's okay. But hey, you're trying, right? You're figuring it out. Here's something. Painting something and then realizing you can't paint for shit. That happens to me a lot. you know, I'll sit down with a kid or a niece or nephew or something. I'll want to draw something and I'm like, let's draw.

21:00I'll be like, okay, let's draw. And, um, and we'll start drawing. I'm like, ah, fuck. I still can't draw. I can't draw for shit. I never could. I can't paint for shit. But, and that's a weird moment, but it's still a moment that I appreciate about life. There's something oddly kind of nice about it because it's very real. Um, so those are some things that I, uh, some feelings that I've enjoyed in, and over the years. And those are little things that I like to lock back in on that make me feel alive and purposeful. Um, and, uh, and you have a lot of those, I'm sure, you know, you have a lot of those.

21:41You want to name one Riley, anything else that comes to your mind?

21:50Not that I could think of. Yep. I knew. I knew that. Look, I've been jocking some new unders, baby. I've been, I found a pair that just, they really engulf my body and they cover my packages, my front package and my rear package, my butt. I'm talking about Wonder Balls, baby. A men's underwear brand engineered for performance, built for all-day comfort, and crafted with men's health in mind. Whether it's a hard workout, a long shift at work, or a laid-back weekend, Wonder Balls moves with you and keeps you comfortable all day. One of my favorite features that I noticed about Wonder Balls is that they just got you.

22:38Some of these underwear, you put them on and you feel like somebody might be able to steal your ride out of them. Like, hey, they have a unique blend. That's right. Made with ultra soft Peruvian Pima cotton and Australian modale with four styles and a toxin-free ultra soft design. Your boys will thank you. Go to wonderballsusa.com and use code Theo for 25 % off your first purchase. Shipping is always free. That's code T-H-E-O at wonderballsusa.com for 25 % off. Isn't it time you feel wonderful where it counts? In your balls. You know, earlier this year, I had a friend that passed away and there was fundraising for him, you know, to help, just to help have finances to take care of his family moving forward, to help with some things.

23:30And fortunately, he also had a life insurance policy. You know, because you want to be able to make sure that just tuition, childcare costs, mortgage, if you have one, things like that, that your family will be able to go on with some comfort. And that's where Ethos comes in. Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect your family's future in minutes, not months. There's no complicated process. It's 100 % online. No medical exam required. You just answer a few health questions, get a quote in as little as 10 minutes, and you can get up to$3 million in coverage.

24:11As of March 2025, business insider named Ethos the number one no medical exam instant life insurance provider. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash theo. That's E-T-H-O-S dot com slash T-H-E-O. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Yeah. Oh, before we move on, tomorrow we're putting out a special episode with Mike Rowe. And it's all about focusing on companies that make products in America. And some of them are very small, and some of them are a little bit bigger and have more history. But we wanted to, you know, a lot of stuff isn't made here anymore.

24:58And we all get kind of stuck where we have to buy things from these big conglomerates. And that's okay. Maybe that's how it will always be. But we were thinking, well, if we could buy stuff from our fellow Americans, then we can support them, right? So, yeah, it was just kind of this pipe dream where, yeah, I'd rather buy something from you. because then I get what I want and you get my money. And so then if we do that, then we just need each other. So we started looking at some companies. There were more we could have done, but we tried to do the best we could. It was kind of like last minute putting it together.

25:40But that episode will come out this week. And if you want to watch through and support some of those, cool. And if not, that's okay too. but thank you to all the companies that submitted those american originals products and and we even made a page it's uh theovan.com slash american originals and you'll be able to go there and just see what all of them are so yeah just really happy that we got to do something like that um oh my friend sebastian maniscalco has a new special coming out on hulu and uh somebody sent a clip of that so we can take a look at that right here let's give it a watch is anybody getting up in the morning refreshed is anybody getting out of bed going whoa i had a great sleep i get up i feel worse than when i went to bed i'm like did i sleep last night what the hell happened

26:47I'm waking up my wife with the sounds coming out of my body. Three o 'clock in the morning, she's like, are you eating potato chips? That's my knees extending onto the floor for my ninth piss. Go back to bed, babe. I didn't bring a can of Pringles into the bed. speaking of going to the bathroom i took my son to the bathroom at a restaurant and i was watching him go i was jealous at the strength of his stream he was chipping porcelain off the back of the bowl oh yeah and i have i yeah i'll also i will say that if i'm in a public place i will wait to go urinate before I go I will let it build up I will do you know I will save up I will go I will let it build until I'm really big bagging and then I'll go in there because I want and I'll pee straight into the water as fast as I can um so that people are like dang this guy's really he got that psi on him you know you feel me player let's hear more here from Sebastian I get up in the middle of the night and when I go to the bathroom, it's two streams.

28:03I need two toilets now. I'm pissing mist. All right. I'm pissing mist. Yeah, this guy, right? That's a, like, this guy, this guy, you know? like Sebastian like if he saw a ghost or something he'd be like reporting it to the police he'd be like yeah officer you know this guy he's not a guy you can't see him you know the guy's a fucking ghost you know and the ghost you know he's wearing like you know and I'm like looking he doesn't even have any footprints Prince. Nigga. That would be good. Yeah, he's reporting a goat. Like, yeah, officer.

29:08The guy, he's a guy, but he's not a guy. You feel me? He's a guy. You know what I'm saying? He used to be a guy. I don't know. He's a ghost. And the officer's like, excuse me, what are you trying? He's like, I'm telling you. The guy used to be a guy. Yeah, I don't know. That's Sebastian Maniscalco reporting a ghost. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Who does? But yeah, there you go. Watch Sebastian Maniscalco. It ain't right. that's what it's called. Now streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus for bundle subscribers. Yeah, I'm going to support my guy there. So, blessings to you, Sebastian, always being supportive, being brave, going out and doing some movies, different things that he wants to do over the years.

30:09I admire that guy. I admire that guy. I got to work on that. That is one of the best, though. There's so many people that do so many great Sebastian impersonations And just like you see like couples in his audience and stuff like that. And there's something pretty magical about his crowd and his fan base. We got some calls that came in the holidays. Here's one that came in right here. Let's hit it. Hey, Theo. This is Bailey and I'm 23. What's up, Bailey? And thank you for being alive and calling in. Onward. And I was just calling to just tell people that like shit does get better. This time last year on Thanksgiving, I was in a psych ward.

30:57You know, I got the BPD and it's like tough to come to terms with. Wait, you got the what? Let me hear it again. In a psych ward. You know, I got the BPD. What is BPD? Riley, are you familiar with that? I am not. Okay. You think you could create some familiarity with it pretty quickly somehow over there? BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. Okay. There we go. I didn't know it, and thank you, sir. Onward. And it's tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression, but I don't know, man. you don't notice it like right away but suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm almost a year later and turning 24 and I don't know man like it feels cool to live and I've just really enjoyed listening to your podcast and you're just such a light man and I really appreciate you and you just say some of the craziest shit and it always makes my day well thank you Theo everybody shit it gets better.

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32:12Even if you can't see it right now, I think there's a purpose in life and it will work out just the way it needs to, even if you can't see it right now. So let me just like tell you all that. Bye. Amen. Wow. That's very profound. I could hear a lot of the joy in your voice too. Yeah. It's like almost like, well, thank you right there. Even just that statement, like it were, you know, like even if I just let your words be my glasses for a minute, you know, Out of my own eyes, I can't see that this is going to be different. But if I can take your words of experience right there and put them on my face for a second, I could see, oh, there's so much possibility.

32:52There is a different, there is something different, you know? So that's kind of like, yeah, that's, I guess, what people's words and encouragement can do for you and sharing your testimony on something. but I'm so happy for you I'm so happy for you Bailey that you hung in there I love this part this part really made me feel something right in here let me play it again tough to come to terms with and just dealing with depression but I don't know man you don't notice it like right away but suddenly like it kind of lifts and I'm almost a year later and turning 24 and I don't know man Like, it feels cool to live.

33:40There you go. That's cool. Yeah. Oh, that's another great feeling, huh? When it feels cool to live, dude. When you see two people with big bellies that are hugging each other kind of. Or like kind of, God, I love that. When you see them fucking first, those bellies touch. And then they touch each other with their arms. Fuck, I love that. We had some neighbors at our first apartment complex. And they were bellied up. I mean, these bitches had some fucking fronts on them, you know. and we people in our area were poor and so if you saw somebody had a little bit extra body on him you almost were you were kind of fucking jealous because you knew they'd been eating and they'd been you know snacking or whatever and doing ice creams at night and it was like no judgment you know i would look damn emaciated as a child and so uh but god you'd see some of them thickers and you'd be like, damn, boy, these thickers out here, they really, they showing off, you know?

34:38Because if everybody's hungry and you walking around and you stouting about and you got a little sack of, you know, cheese nuggets or whatever in your pocket and shit at all time, baby, then people are going to question things, you know? And the one dude, he would always keep a little thing of bacon bits on him and he'd fucking sprinkle them bitches in his hand and put a couple in his mouth because he like having that hit of meat on his tongue. Anyway, but you had them bacon bits. You ever have any bacon bits, Raleigh Mal? I have. What you think of them, baby? I think they're pretty good. That's what I'm talking about, big dog.

35:22What was I talking about? I don't know. What were we just talking about, Raleigh? Do you remember? I do not. unreal man good to see you again as always dude uh i had just i just played this freaking and i said we're having a great time and then uh shit i don't know but thank you bailey for that calling in and just uh reminding us that things get better and that that we are here for a purpose that's what i like putting that on my shoulders. Well, then if this is what the world is, right, then what is my purpose in it? Because it's still a video game and I'm still the hero, right? That's how we have to look at it, right?

36:07Not in an egotistical way, but it's like that I'm the first player. That's what I mean. You're player one. We're all player one for our own lives. And so what is our purpose? You know, what is my purpose? You know, and it's kind of nice if you think we live in a world of good versus evil, you know, and not that we all, you know, that we all don't have part pieces of both in us, but that if you fight and that you can fight for one side and what does that fight for me look like? That's kind of exciting. It gives your life a little bit of gravity. Riley Mal, let's go to you, man. Dude, I want to say thank you so much, man.

36:48riley yep can you hear me yep okay well didn't seem like you could but uh what so take me through this man because i remember how long ago was it that you and i met and you would never even felt that that sauce climb right out of you that little fucking baby rocket you got out of that little gerbil arm you got? Yeah, we, I think we met back in what, 2020? Nah. I wasn't here. I thought you were. Well, we've seen you think a lot of things over the years, big dog, that did not pan out. But no, look, well, look, whatever year it was, man, when we connected, you remember you were at a space sexually, you were not even sexually active.

37:37right um and then that changed and how did you get to the point of father i mean because you got there really fast it seems like do you feel like that just tell me something yeah um i uh i was on tour when you know when on tour with you were you were working as a uh doing audio visual on tour correct okay and then uh that's when she found out so she didn't tell me until I came back. Okay. And, um, did she do a special ceremony to let you know? No. Did she put it in a card or anything? Did she write it? Like, you know, a lot of times women will, uh, you know, if they're pissed, they'll fucking write it on the front of your house with spray paint.

38:27Like it's yours mother, you know? Um, but if they're not, sometimes I'll put like a little picture of a baby or something or draw a picture of a baby with a crayon or something and put that, you know, hide it under your dinner napkin or dinner dish. Nope. Okay. Nothing, huh? Nothing. Did she look you in the eyes? Was she vacuuming and she just stopped it for a second and said, Hey, we're, we're, you know, we're having one. And then start like, did she, was there any extracurriculars involved with it? Uh, no, we were just sitting down. Wow. and how do you feel man uh now i feel pretty good okay at the first at the beginning were you scared yeah what were some of your original fears man and thank you for sharing this with us because i think a lot of people go through this i mean we've we talked to a guy a couple of months ago and he was saying that you know he was having a child and he was very scared um but yeah tell me about that rally baby yeah i mean at first i was i was terrified i uh what did you do did you stand up do you fucking shake your hands like this you make a sound like do you can you take me through a little bit of it no we were both just sitting down and i was looking at her and i was like oh like you're not kidding and she was like no not kidding i'm like you sure she was like yeah i'm I'm pretty sure.

39:53I'm like, oh, okay. And did you guys make love again that night or is that? Not that night. Okay. But soon after, you think? Yeah. Wow, Riley. Returning to the scene of the crime, bro. Dang, dude. Riley stopping back by to peep the skeet work, homie. Damn. That's crazy work, bro. That's unhinged, dog. do you guys remember the night of conception? Was that a big night? I know that, you know, whenever we'd spoken last, I think you'd probably had sex, I think almost six times. And is, did that, was this a special evening at all? When you guys look back on it, had you guys been out to hear any music?

40:42Had you heard some, you know, had you been to the Young Boys show? Had you been listening to some Ella Langley? Had you, you know, I know that Dermot Kennedy had also played recently. Was there anybody that you guys had listened to? No, it wasn't like that. I will say it was on April 1st. Wow.

41:07So Riley popping in, huh? Yeah. With that Chinese chop work on fucking April Fool's Day. do you think that is a risky day to ejaculate into somebody now i do big facts homie big facts riley freaking ejacking damn homie god i remember when you were just a little fucking magic lamp bro just waiting to bust i was afraid to even accidentally bump into you. I figured your semen would just fly out of your eyes because you were so full and you'd never even eject or whatever. God, baby, praise God. And now, and have you seen photos of you sure you guys are having a child? Yeah. And is there a short list of names even, a few names?

42:02I think we finally narrowed it down. Can you give us one letter that's in the name? M.

42:14can I have one guess even if you don't tell me if it's right yeah

42:24mark good guess but you're not telling me if it's right huh nope yeah and you can is there yeah I don't know if you can mark is kind of it's a great name my friend I have a friend named mark He's doing pretty good, I think. Well, I want you to think of a couple of things. Like, I'm going to come back to this, Riley. We're going to jump into another call right here, okay? Here's one right here, a call that came in. Hi, Theo. It's Anna. Hey, Anna. Thank you for calling. And blessings to you this time of year, my love. Onward. I'm just calling because, you know, the holidays are coming up. Thanksgiving, Christmas, for all who celebrate.

43:04Right. And anyways, I hate my family. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that is a thing. That's a thing. I hate saying it out loud, but I hate them. They're so mean to me. and I have no one to celebrate with and I'm just sad, man. I'm just so sad about it. And I don't know if you've ever had problems with your family, but it just sucks. So, anyways, I figured I'd just send this voicemail because I don't know. I just wanted to. Bye, Thea. Bye, Anne. Was it Anne or Anna? I'm sorry. Do you remember, Riley?

44:05hi Theo it's Anna

44:10well Anna thanks for calling in and just letting us know sometimes you have to say something you know sometimes you have to say something sometimes you have to say stuff I hate my family I don't give a shit I think somebody's a wizard fuck you piece of shit. Those are five things I'd have said that were inside of me. Sometimes if you do that, you rattle off five things. You just make it every other second. You put a finger up and you have to say them no matter what. You know? Start that one, Riley. Start it with I hate my family and do four others right after. See what comes out of you.

44:56Just try it. There's no right or wrong. I love my girlfriend. We have to start with I hate my family. We're not saying we hate our families. We're just saying we're supporting Anne. All right. I hate my family. I love my girlfriend. This podcast is great. Come on, you're thinking too hard. Let it out. Fuck. Let it out, motherfucker. Parker, say it.

45:34Whatever. It's all good, man. You do your best. Was that the best you could do? Yeah. Okay. That's all right, man. I think you're still in your head about it, but sometimes just letting those feelings out. And yeah, I could definitely relate. Look, I'll tell you some things, though, and I will say this. There's times where I didn't like my family, but the truth was I'm the problem. You know? Now, if they're so mean to you, that's one thing. But I had times in my life where I'm the problem. Oh, I don't want to go to that. Why? Because I don't want to be uncomfortable. Well, if I already know, you know, now if it's true that I'm all, it's like they're mean to me and they are, you know, if they put on heavy gloves and tickle me or they do something bad or call me dirty baby or something or fucking write racial shit on my car or whatever.

46:21Yeah, that's fucked up. but if they're just, you know, being family and stuff and, you know, I don't know, like we have to make things real. So it's like, yeah, I got to go show up. It's an act, you know, consider it an act of service, at least in my family, there might be another family member that gets to look across the table and I'm there for them. Right. And the truth is I I'll get more joy out of it because I need family. I need connection. So I'm not preaching at you or anything. I think I'm actually just talking to myself out loud. But I've made, you know, over the years, I've thought I don't need this.

47:01I don't need this, you know.

47:05But so maybe there's a way to try to work it out for the best. And if not, don't get caught in that self-pity place. Like right here, you were saying, and I have no one to celebrate with. and I'm just sad, man. I'm just so sad about it. Right. That place can get kind of tricky. Like, it's okay to feel some sadness, but don't get so caught in it where you're just always just telling people you're sad or feeling too sad. Like, it's okay, but that can become like, I got addicted in my life to self-pity and I didn't realize it. So, I hope you don't think I'm trying to preach at you. um and maybe i was a little bit i'm sorry i'm a little animated um and i just uh yeah we're trying our best though and so are you and so that's okay and happy holidays to you and um and y 'all be thinking of you and i'll say a nice little prayer for you and anna anna happy uh thanksgiving anna and i hope you create a moment where you find some other friends, you know, or find some other family can, you know, you don't have to do it all, but make sure, yeah, try to have some sense of connection out there.

48:20Even if you just holding a puppy or you doing something, looking at animals online, you know, just don't isolate too much. I think if you can help it. Rinse takes your laundry and hand delivers it to your door, expertly cleaned and folded. So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you. Like tea time you. Or this tea time you. Or even this tea time you. Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you. So update on Dave. It's up to you. We'll take the laundry. Rinse. It's time to be great. The holidays are here, which means it's time to give the gift of smoothness.

49:07Whether you're shopping for your partner, your brother, or yourself. We don't judge. Manscaped's Performance Package 5.0 Ultra is the ultimate upgrade because nothing says happy holidays like a perfectly groomed package. From trimming to freshening up, this all-in-one grooming kit keeps you clean, confident, and ready for any festive occasion. So go ahead, unwrap confidence this season with Manscaped. Head over to manscaped.com and join over 13 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped. Use code Theo for 15 % off your entire order. And the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra doesn't just stop at grooming essentials.

49:51It also comes with two holiday bonuses. The Boxers 2.0 in Colorway Midnight Bravo and the Shed 2.0 Toiletry Bag. I have one of those. I like it. Give the gift of smooth this holiday season with the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra. Get 15 % off your entire order with code Theo at Manscaped.com. That's 15 % off with code Theo at Manscaped.com. Stay on top of your grooming game and be ready for anything this season throws your way. All righty, let's hit another call here. What's up, Theo? This is Cage from down here in Allenboro, North Carolina. What's up, Cage over there from North Carolina. Thank you for calling, brother.

50:38Happy holidays. Onward. And me and my old lady, we got a little boy, and we was trying to have another baby. And we, you know, we pregnant, and we went to the doctor. We're having two of them little fuckers. We're having twins, and there's two little girls. We got a boy now. I'm just asking, what kind of advice do you think you can give me? I don't know. We ain't got no girls or nothing. There's going to be two babies at once. So what's your thoughts, and what's some advice you can give me? Thank you, man. Amen, brother. Thank you, brother. and thank you for calling in, man. Congratulations, I would say right there.

51:13That's what I would say. Riley Mal, what would you say to this fella? I would say congratulations. And what advice would you have for him or what fears do you have here with even one coming in? Because y 'all are running one and this fella's, he's got that side-by-side going. I mean, it's, you know, just get ready. and there you go right there i'll tell you right this there cage i don't and you you know people know this and blessings to you and your family but i don't believe in twins right i've never believed in twins i don't kind of believe in some of that that wizardry you know that you know i don't believe in some of the trickery and wizardry of uh of the darker realms um but you guys are having twins and you guys are going to be owner operators of twins and so I support that you know I support you and I want your children to be happy of course you know but I've seen a lot of stuff happening out there that can get pretty wild where twins will keep secrets there was that twin they had that twin baby there's a video of it that can whistle You know, bitch is four months old, bitch is whistling.

52:37Dogs are showing up outside. So that seems extracurricular spiritually to me.

52:48But I think one thing is, man, you just got to just be there and love them. You got to be there and love them. And it sounds like you guys are already ready to do that. You know, you sounded excited. I could hear the excitement in your voice. yeah, it's tough, you know. But now if you could, like, you might have to ration food. I don't know what it gets like. You know, I don't know how crazy the world gets if their government will take a twin. I don't know what realm we're headed into. But I just think you got, man, you got a lot of work ahead, brother, but it sounds like your heart is ready for it, man.

53:35And congratulations and blessings to you guys over there. And praise God. And yeah. You know, I can't even imagine what that's like. You know, I just can't even imagine. My stepdad used to own one of those five bay outdoor car washes and yacht. Because he had a three bay, right? He ran a three bay over there for a while. I was coin operated off of a one 90 over there in Covington, right near, right up river from a boat, Boga fly park. And he ran that coin up over there and, and he got that five bay and God, it shook him. It shook him. So it was a lot. So yeah. And I'm not trying to, you know, maybe I, yeah, I shouldn't be comparing owning corn operated car washes to, an amount of children you can have but you know some people do that shit man you know I mean yeah I mean I had a neighbor like that she'd compare things that shouldn't even be you know it'd be like I'd say you know there's been a lot of fentanyl overdoses and just heartbreaking for America and she'd just always be like well we you know we got very sick from that new Chinese food place.

55:02All right, bitch. All right. That ain't the same. Let me see. Let's finish up this holiday episode here. Thanksgiving. And man, this is kind of some of the most fun is some of this. And I want to lean into this more. I think I didn't know, you know, you're just trying with podcasts. You're just trying to figure out what do you want? what do uh and then you start thinking well what does your audience want but then even when I was um uh on my buddy's podcast the other day he said well it's like yeah who do you want to listen to what do you want to learn about and what do you want to talk about and what excites you you know and uh and that was good that was good to hear and be reminded of and And yeah, I think sometimes I struggle when I'm losing, when I'm lacking confidence about myself.

55:58I don't know what my plan is. And so I'll like look at other people's plans and see, well, maybe I'll just try and do that, do what's worked for somebody else type of thing. And there's nothing wrong with that. But yeah, I like it better when I feel grounded. I'm more locked in on my own plan. and so I think that's something I hope over this holiday season to just connect with God more and get a stronger sense of myself and my own plan but yeah I'm just thankful that we can be alive to think about these things and hear about them together and to watch some God bravely bring twins into the world dark arts brother Um, what do we got here?

56:52Hey, Theo. My name is Danielle. Hey, Danielle. Thanks for calling. Onward. Um, I'm calling from Southern California. I had a question for you. I've heard you say before that, um, you are trying to meet God halfway. Um, and you know, in my life lately, I've been struggling with some stuff and I'm, I'm seeing God or at least like the universe or some sort of higher power working to help me in kind of mysterious ways. But anyway, so my question for you is, well, I guess I want to learn how to meet that higher power halfway. So what does that look like to you when you say that you're trying to meet God halfway?

57:40All right. Thank you so much. Thanks for all that you do. oh thank you so much for the call there um yeah i guess when i what i mean about that is like um yeah it's just it's a relationship you know so if i have uh if i'm you know in prayer in consultation with a higher power right it can be god it can be the universe It can be what you need for you, right? If I'm praying regularly, if I'm thinking about others regularly, if I'm checking in on people to see how they're doing, if I'm getting outside of myself,

58:25those are things I feel like God wants me to do, you know? And if I do those things, it keeps my relationship with my higher power, with the universe, with God, however you choose to describe it. It keeps that warm. You know, it's a comfortable, it's not a far walk. You know, if I've talked to God in prayer and thought or in consultation in the past day or two or today a couple times, then if I need some help and say, God, I don't know what to do right now. Can you help guide me? You know, can you give me some intuition? Can you, do you have any, do you have any direction for me? those sorts of things, then the relationship's already warm because I've been praying and kind of talking with God through prayers and just through moments of silence and peace, meditation, those sorts of things.

59:22So if I have that going and the relationship's already warm, then if I need God for something immediately or I need some influence from the universe, I need some help, I need some guidance, some suggestion, then the walkway is already warm because there's already a lot of footprints on it. It's more of a thoroughfare than if I'm just running in last minute and be like, where's God? I need something. So yeah, I think that's all I was saying because I think God's right there. It's just like, how much do we want to connect? And I think we've gotten away from that as a society maybe and maybe that might just be me saying that.

59:59So I think I've gotten it away from it some of my life. We got a call right here that came in. Let's get one more here. Hi, Theo. I was just calling to tell you how much I've appreciated all of your podcasts. I've been to two of your comedy shows. And I just am happy to hear that you're getting a break for yourself and that you're done touring because you really give so much of yourself to us. And I'm so grateful for that. but I hope you're taking time to practice healthcare because you've been through a lot just from hearing about your stories and hearing even the truths of your comedy show. I just hope that you're getting some time to just really reflect and appreciate your own work and how much, how much you've made a difference in all of our lives.

1:00:46I listened to you in my first half marathon. I listened to you throughout college, listened to you in med school now. And I just wanted to call and just give you my appreciation. because you really made a difference in my life and you've made me see things so much differently. And I just, I love you for that. And yeah, that's all I wanted to say. I don't have a question or anything. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you. And yeah, gang gang. Oh, thanks for that. That's a, that's a very sweet message. The half marathon really shook me. That's cool. I can't even imagine somebody running by and they're hearing me rattling around in their head.

1:01:27That's crazy work. Well, thank you for being a doctor. Thank you for working hard to get out there and do something in the world that can help some other people. That's great. I love that in a medical way. I think people find different ways to do it. And some of us can be doctors and you're able to be able to go do that. So that's really exciting. Yeah, I'm trying to learn how to take time for myself. You know, it's, it's been, uh, like the break from touring has been good, but then the crazy part was you, I break from, I break from touring and then I realized that I'm still busy. You're like, Oh my God.

1:02:07Um, but some of that, uh, has like, some of that has been finishing ups, uh, has been finishing up stuff that I needed to get done. Like, um, finishing up movie at this little movie edit thing that we made. you know just different responsibilities different little things that we're trying to do the thing with Mike Rowe for buying products from other Americans that sort of thing making sure we got that done and it's weird because the part of you that's creative doesn't really stop it's like it still wants to do stuff but like your body and your brain are just like hey man let's get a little bit of organization here.

1:02:45So, um, yeah, I'm, I'm certainly more focused on it and, uh, I'm grateful that I have the means to be able to take some time off. I also feel like we're in a spot where, you know, you know, you want to have a voice, you know it feels like right now it's like you know I feel like it's more important than ever to try and have a voice and to be brave and sometimes I feel like I'm letting I'm faltering in some of that space and like is it my responsibility you know to try and talk about things or speak up about things and then is it just my ego that's saying that

1:03:38you know or like in the timeline of existence like yeah what am i supposed to be doing now what am i you know what means something um yeah now that i can feed myself you know uh for the rest of my life probably to be you know what me what means something you know what means something and um maybe it just goes back to that last call about you know just praying more about it and getting more idea so but having some time off has offered me I got to go to like 10 football games this year SEC football games and I'd never gotten to do I've been touring like in the like I mean probably 16 years probably I don't even know forever like actually but if you tour every other weekend in the fall on your weekends off it's hard to go somewhere it's just like you know it's a lot so to be able to go to like a lot of football games is like that's brought me a ton of joy so i have found a lot of things that have brought me more joy and had more of a social life so that's been a good time um but i still think of finding more ways to give myself like uh just more rest and um you know got back into therapy so that's good uh just things like that so i think that's growing and so I'm grateful for that but thank you so much for the call and yeah I think we might be able to maybe finish this episode up Riley anything else you have?

1:05:06Nope

1:05:10Nothing at all What do you wish for your child as he comes into the world and it's a boy Yeah Little Mark or whatever We're not going to say it's Mark but it'd be something Mark Mao that would be his name Huh? you can think that if it were mark i'm saying sure it'd be mark mal mark mal but then it's always mark set go people always do that and people try to race you all the time mark set go and you're like fuck that would suck but what do you wish for that baby that little semen that's fucking growing in your lady right now what do you wish for that little freaking yellow bus that You freaking launched over there, and now it's over there doing work.

1:05:54Big dog, what do you wish for that little fucking edamame you got growing, baby boy? What do you think, Riley? I just wish that he's healthy. Well, look, man, I'm happy for you, dude. You've come a long way, dude. Did you think that this would happen in your life? What age are you, Riley? I don't even know. I don't know if you're 70 or fucking 15. How old are you? I'm 27. Are you really? Oh my God, I thought you were 16. Nope. That's beautiful, dude. So this is time, huh? Yeah. And what's it been like having a pregnant woman and being blessed enough to deal with someone like that? It's a lot. Okay.

1:06:44Type shit, man. Well, we love you, man. And thank you so much for being on this journey with us over the years. I can't believe that I knew you when you had, I mean, you were, I remember when you didn't even have any fucking hair on your neck, I think. Just a little bag of just yum, yum soup, just full of that energy. When you look back and now a few years back and realize you had never ejaculated, do you feel like now that you've been doing it well since then? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You ever miss the old days when you were just full? Um, not really. There we go. Busting and growing them. That's where he is now.

1:07:32Yeah, thank you to everybody that supported the auction. Thank you to you guys just for letting me be a part of your lives and for me and for you being a part of mine. and uh thanks for just bearing with me as we've tried to kind of navigate like what's most important things have changed so much over the years and like things in my life have kind of changed and like um uh but it's like like and so it's been i you know i didn't ever know what it would be like to have a podcast and to and that and to do it and and to navigate it and stuff so So it's, you know, it's, it's been interesting. And then at the same time, you, you, you realize your own shortcomings as a, um, business developer and all that kind of, it's just like, you know, there's so many things where like I've learned on the fly kind of as I've gone along, you know, um, and you guys have had a lot of grace with me and just letting me do that.

1:08:40and so thank you. Thank you for having enough grace with me as I've just kind of figured things out because I think we're all just doing that. We're all just kind of trying our best to figure it out. All love out there. Happy Thanksgiving. Shout out everybody and all love to the Native Americans out there. If I get a time machine and I get to go back, I'm gonna pull up for y 'all. I'm going to pull up for y 'all, and I'm going to bring weapons so you could have a, let's make it a fair fight. That's what I'm thinking. But God bless, bro. Praise God. And I just wish everybody a happy Thanksgiving, man.

1:09:24And if you need me, baby, I'm upstairs. Riley Mal, what do you have to say? You want to say goodbye? What do you feel like, huh? You got that turkey in the oven already. I do. And is that wiener still working good, brother? it is and are you allowed to have sex on a uh what a uh a um a woman that is with child or whatever yeah okay up until how when is that cut off what's that cutoff date there brother um as soon as she has the baby no oh so you can do it up until she has the baby oh bro what a sick dude bro bro that's crazy dude if you run in that kind of game cut anyway blessings to you brother and when will the new baby be here December 30th Riley

1:10:25that's awesome brother well we look forward to seeing a picture of it in the new year brother what do you think yes sir will you bring us one is that okay i will all right in prayers to your wife do you let her know that we'll be praying for you guys is peace and comfort is she excited yeah all right all right um on behalf of everybody happy thanksgiving um you guys be good to yourselves man you deserve it and uh yeah i'm all over the place but i'm also right here and so were you so thank you for your time praise god

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From the publisher

Theo returns with a solo episode to talk about conspiracy Thanksgivings, freebasing garlic bread, and what he’s grateful for as the year winds down. He also responds to some of your voicemails and gets a major life update from Riley Mau.

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#626 - Baby Me

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Theo shares a list of small, enjoyable life moments

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